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Extended - Thursday, August 20, 2015 - Uncensored

  • 08/20/2015
  • views: 26,011

Derek Waters, Natasha Leggero and Andy Daly write political Yelp reviews, read #BadInFlightAnnouncements and search for porn on this uncensored, extended episode. (23:06)

>> HARDWICK: IT IS THURSDAY,

WHICH MEANS IT'S OUR TIME FOROUR WEEKLY GLIMPSE THROUGH THE

PEEPHOLE OF POLITICAL PANDERING.

IT'S PANDERDOME.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)>> MM-HMM.

(HARDWICK LAUGHS)>> HARDWICK: THIS WEEK, FORMER

HEWLETT-PACKARD CEO ANDDEHYDRATED CHERI OTERI

CHARACTER, CARLY FIORINA...

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)(HARDWICK CHUCKLES)

(LAUGHTER)SORRY...

>> DICK PICK.

(LAUGHTER)>> SHE MADE A MILD SPLASH IN HER

PRESIDENTIAL RUN BY LEAVING AONE-STAR YELP REVIEW FOR THE

TSA.

WHAT?! OH, SHIT'S GETTING REAL.

AS IF THE ONLY THING KEEPING THETSA FROM GETTING THEIR ACT

TOGETHER WAS SOME LIGHT INTERNETBITCHING.

UH...

COME ON, CARLY!

DON'T YOU KNOW THEY'RE BUSYGRABBING SWEATER TITS AND

CONFISCATING BATARANGS?

WE WERE VERY SURPRISED THATSOMETHING SO TONE DEAF WOULD

COME FROM SOMEONE WHO ONCE RAN ATECH COMPANY...

INTO THE GROUND.

UH... YOU CAN...

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)YOU CAN...

WHEN YOU THE REVIEW, YOU CANSMELL HOW SOMEONE TOLD HER TO

USE SOCIAL MEDIA, AND SHE WAS,LIKE, "IS YELP A SOCIAL MEDIA?"

AND HER TEAM WAS, LIKE, "I DON'TKNOW, KIND OF."

AND SHE WAS, LIKE, "GREAT.

I'LL SEND THEM AN ELECTRONICMAILING."

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)THIS IS HER YELP REVIEW FOR THE

TSA RIGHT HERE.

THESE THREE PARAGRAPHS, WHICHCULMINATE IN, UH, "JOIN US.

CARLYFORPRESIDENT.COM."

SO SHE'S BASICALLY CAMPAIGNINGIN A YELP REVIEW.

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)>> BOO.

>> WOW.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, THAT'SEXACTLY THE RIGHT...

OH, YOU KNOW WHAT?

HERE'S THE PROBLEM.

OH. ZERO FRIENDS.

(SADLY): OH.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)SO, I DON'T KNOW.

THIS COULD CATCH ON... MAYBE.

COMEDIANS, WHAT'S ANOTHER YELPREVIEW A PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE

MIGHT WRITE TO FURTHER THEIRPOLITICAL AGENDA?

DEREK.

>> UH, BILL CLINTON GAVE HISBONER FIVE STARS.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH. POINTS.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)>> IT'S A LITTLE DATED, BUT...

HE-HE...

>> HARDWICK: I MEAN...

>> IT'S AN OLD YELP, BUT A GOODYELP.

HE SAID HE'D LOVE TO COME BACK.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, IT'S AGREAT...

IT IS A GREAT PLACE TO EAT.

ALWAYS.

ANDY DALY.

>> CHRIS CHRISTIE GAVE SUBWAYFIVE STARS BECAUSE HE'LL NEED A

NEW JOB, AND SUBWAY NEEDS A NEWFAT SPOKESPERSON WITH A LESS

DISGUSTING SCANDAL.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE & CHEERING)(APPLAUSE, WHOOPING)

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

WHEN YOU'RE A PRESIDENTIALCANDIDATE TRYING TO PROVE YOU'RE

A REGULAR JOE AND NOT A DETACHEDAMBITION-BOT FUELED BY LOBBYIST

CASH, YOU GOT TO DOORDINARY-PEOPLE SHIT, LIKE

TOSSING AROUND THE OLD PIGSKIN.

UNFORTUNATELY FOR DEFAULT RPGCHARACTER MODEL MARCO RUBIO...

(LAUGHTER)...AT AN IOWA CAMPAIGN STOP THIS

WEEK, HE ENDED UP BRAINING ASMALL BOY WITH A FOOTBALL.

(LAUGHTER, GROANING)GO LONG! WOOPS.

(LAUGHTER)HE'S... ALMOST AS INACCURATE AS

TIM TEBOW. UH...

(LAUGHTER)DON'T GET MAD AT ME-- I DON'T

GET THAT REFERENCE. UH...

(LAUGHTER)NOW, LET'S SEE THAT AGAIN IN THE

MAGIC OF THE LOOPING GIF.

HERE WE GO.

YES! IT IS FUNNY...

EVERY...

TIME!

>> IT KEEPS HAPPENING!

>> HARDWICK: OH, NO, THIS ISPLAYING IN A LOOP, ANDY.

>> OH...

>> HARDWICK: DID YOU THINK HEWAS DOING THIS HUNDREDS OF

TIMES?

>> YEAH, I WAS LIKE, HE'S GONNALEARN HOW TO DO IT AT SOME

POINT, RIGHT?

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE, WHOOPING)

>> HARDWICK: UH, COMEDIANS, ASRUBIO'S CAMPAIGN MANAGER, SPIN

THIS AS A POSITIVE.

ANDY DALY.

>> THE SENATOR HAD REASON TOBELIEVE THAT YOUNG MAN WAS ISIS.

>> HARDWICK: YES. POINTS.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)YEAH.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU'RE RIGHT, NO ONE'S TRIEDHITTING THEM WITH A FOOTBALL

YET. YEAH.

NATASHA.

>> IF WE CAN'T END POLICEBRUTALITY AGAINST BLACK PEOPLE,

MAYBE A LITTLE BRUTALITY AGAINSTBLONDS WILL EVEN THE SCORE.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, OKAY. POINTS.

YEAH, THAT SHOULD HELP.

>> NO, WAIT A MINUTE.

NO, WAIT A MINUTE.

THAT'S A TERRIBLE IDEA.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: SHUT UP AND TAKE

IT, BLONDIE!

>> WE SHOULD NOT DO THAT.

>> HARDWICK: YOU'RE GETTINGYOURS!

>> AND, CHRIS, TIM TEBOW WAS AQUARTER... IS STILL A

QUARTERBACK, BUT JUST NOT THATGOOD.

>> HARDWICK: OH, OKAY, GOTCHA.

YEAH, I DON'T KNOW, HE'S ON AFOOTBALLING TEAM, APPARENTLY.

>> RIGHT.

>> HARDWICK: UH...

>> I'M WITH YOU.

>> HARDWICK: I APPRECIATE THAT.

WHO DOES HE PLAY FOR?

>> I DON'T KNOW.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY.

(LAUGHTER)

IT'S NOW TIME FOR THE HASHTAGWARS.

(CHEERING)STATISTICALLY SPEAKING, JOKES

ABOUT FLYING ARE SAFER THANJOKES ABOUT DRIVING.

IT'S TRUE. THAT'S WHY WE'REPLAYING IT SAFE TONIGHT WITH THE

HASHTAG:BADINFLIGHTANNOUNCEMENTS.

BADINFLIGHTANNOUNCEMENTS.

UH... EXAMPLES MIGHT BE...

MY WIFE JUST DIED AND WE'RE SOONGONNA JOIN HER. OR...

(LAUGHTER)OR... OR...

OH, GOD, OH, GOD, OH, GOD, I'MPREPARING FOR ARRIVAL.

WOOPS, THAT'S STILL ON.

(LAUGHTER)I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THE

CLOCK, AND BEGIN.

ANDY DALY.

>> THIS IS YOUR CAPTAINSPEAKING.

LET'S SEE WHAT THIS BABY CAN DO.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH. POINTS.

(LAUGHTER)POINTS. NATASHA.

>> 9/11 WAS AN INSIDE JOB, ANDI'M ABOUT TO PROVE IT.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)YOU DEFINITELY DO NOT WANT TO

HEAR THAT.

DEREK WATERS.

>> WHOSE COBRA IS THIS?

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: TV'S ANDY DALY.

>> WE HAVE MEALS AVAILABLE FORPURCHASE.

I COOKED THEM MYSELF RIGHT AFTERMY MOTHER DISAPPEARED.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(LAUGHTER)WAIT. WAIT. WAIT.

THE PILOT IS SERVING HIS MOTHERON THE PLANE?

>> THAT'S WHAT I THINK ISHAPPENING.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

HIS MOTHER IS IN THE LASAGNA!

>> HARDWICK: MY GOSH!

DEREK.

>> HOPE Y'ALL CAN SWIM.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH. POINTS.

(LAUGHTER)ANDY.

>> IF ANYBODY BACK THERE THINKSTHEY CAN DO A BETTER JOB OF

FLYING THIS PLANE THAN ME, GETUP HERE AND LET'S SETTLE IT!

>> HARDWICK: YEAH. POINTS.

NATASHA.

>> THANK YOU FOR FLYING UNITED.

>> HARDWICK: YES. POINTS.

(LAUGHTER)YEAH. YEAH.

(WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)YEAH, I GOT TO AGREE.

I GOT TO AGREE.

THAT IS THE END OF THE HASHTAGWARS.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY SQUAD GOALS,SCHMOD GOALS.

(CHEERING, WHOOPING)SQUAD GOALS IS A SOCIAL TREND

WHERE USERS POST PICS OF DOPECREWS THEY WANT TO ROLL WITH AND

TAG IT: SQUAD GOALS.

I'M GONNA SHOW YOU A PHOTO, ANDYOU'RE GONNA TELL ME WHAT THE

NAME OF THIS CLUB IS, ALL RIGHT?

FIRST ONE, THESE SWOLL BROS.

OH!

DO YOU EVEN LIFT, BROS?

DEREK.

>> STRAIGHT AS HELL.

>> HARDWICK: YEP. POINTS.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

(APPLAUSE)>> RIGHT?

>> HARDWICK: NATASHA.

>> ORANGE IS THE NEW HATESBLACKS.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

FANTASTIC.

TV'S ANDY DALY.

>> THE "WE'RE EITHER WORKING ONOUR ABS OR TALKING ABOUT WORKING

ON OUR ABS" GANG.

>> HARDWICK: YES. POINTS. YEAH.

(APPLAUSE)BEST WEEKEND I EVER HAD IN MY

LIFE, HANDS DOWN!

(LAUGHTER)YOUR PANTS!

>> IT DOES LOOK GREAT.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

NEXT ONE, NEXT ONE.

THESE MEN'S ROOM BUDDIES...

(AUDIENCE GROANING)DEREK.

>> COOL PUSSY.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

(LAUGHTER)(WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)

>> I'M NOT SURE WHICH IS SAYINGIT, BUT...

I THINK THE RED SHIRT... REDJACKET HAS A COOL PUSSY.

>> HARDWICK: YOU THINK THAT'S ACOOL PUSSY.

NATASHA.

>> URINE NATION.

>> HARDWICK: YES! URINE NATION.

POINTS.

YEP.

>> THEY COULD JUST BE GUYS WHOCHOOSE WEIRD PLACES TO PRAY

TOGETHER.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

>> HARDWICK: HUNDRED POINTS TOANDY DALY FOR THAT.

DON'T CROSS THE STREAMS.

(LAUGHTER)NEXT ONE.

THIS TAG TEAM OF TRUMP ANDHOGAN.

ANDY.

>> THUNDERLIPS AND COTTON CANDYHAIR.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POINTS.

DEREK.

>> YOU'RE FIRED, BROTHER!

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

YUP.

YUP.

NATASHA.

>> UH, DONALD TRUMP AND A MANWHO WILL BE A BETTER PRESIDENT

THAN DONALD TRUMP.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POINTS.

ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

NEXT ONE-- THESE FUN FELLAS.

WHAT DO WE GOT, UH...

LITERALLY THE OPPOSITE OF THEFIRST ONE.

ANDY.

>> FOUR KARATE MASTERS, A KIDWITH A GUN AND A GUY WHO KNOWS

HOW TO MAKE A CIRCLE WITH HISFINGERS.

>> HARDWICK: YUP.

POINTS.

>> THIS ALSO LOOKS LIKE ANINCREDIBLY DISAPPOINTING REBOOT

OF THE WARRIORS.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, NEXTONE-- THESE EARTH'S MIGHTIEST

HEROES.

(BELL DINGS)UH, YES, DEREK?

>> IT'S A BIRD!

IT'S A PLANE!

OH, WAIT, NO, IT'S JUST TWODUDES FUCKING ON A PLANK.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POINTS.

>> I THINK.

>> HARDWICK: UH, NATASHA.

>> JUST ASS LEAGUE.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POINTS.

>> THAT'S-THAT'S NOT WHATWATERBOARDING IS, IS IT?

>> HARDWICK: UH...

THIS IS WHAT THEY WERE DOING ATGUANTANAMO?!

WHY...

>> YEAH.

INHUMAN.

>> HARDWICK: LAST ONE, LAST ONE.

THERE YOU GO.

IT'S, UH, TOY STORY...

UH, WHAT IS...

YEAH, NATASHA.

>> JUNIOR SLAVE OWNER'S CLUB.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

ANDY.

>> THIS IS, UH, THE CAST OF SEXTOY STORY, A TRIPLE-X PARODY.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POINTS.

IT MIGHT ACTUALLY BE.

YOU WOULDN'T EVEN HAVE TO CHANGEWOODY'S NAME, LIKE, YOU...

>> THAT'S TRUE.

I FEEL LIKE THOSE THREE MIGHTNOT KNOW THE GUY IN THE YELLOW

SHIRT.

>> TOO SOON.

>> HARDWICK: BEFORE THE BREAK ISHOWED YOU THIS MAR...

BEFORE...

BEFORE THE BREAK I SHOWED YOUTHIS MARQUEE OUTSIDE SANTA FE

HIGH SCHOOL, READING "RESISTANCEIF FUTILE.

YOU WILL BE EDUCATED."

I ASKED YOU TO COME UP WITH ANANNOUNCEMENT FROM THIS EVIL

PRINCIPAL.

LET'S HEAR WHAT YOU GOT.

DEREK WATERS, LET'S START WITHYOU.

>> SCHOOL STARTS UP AGAIN SOON.

DON'T FORGET TO SHOOT YOURSELF AREMINDER.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, YUP.

I CAN SEE THAT.

NATASHA.

>> UH, TO ALL STUDENTS, THISWEEKEND'S READING ASSIGNMENT IS

THE FIRST 200 PAGES OF MY DEEPSPACE NINE FAN FICTION.

>> HARDWICK: YOU MONSTER!

YOU MONSTER!

ANDY DALY.

>> ATTENTION TARDY STUDENTS.

TO THE LAST, I WILL GRAPPLE WITHTHEE.

FROM HELL'S HEART I STAB ATTHEE.

FOR HATE'S SAKE, I SPIT MY LASTBREATH AT THEE!

>> HARDWICK: WOW, WELL DONE.

WE GO TO OUR NEXT GAME,UNFAPPABLE.

UNFAPPABLE.

THE INTERNET HAS CONNECTED LOSTRELATIVES AND HELPED TOPPLE

REGIMES.

BUT, MAINLY, YOU USE IT TO JERKOFF.

SOMETIMES THOUGH, ON THE SEARCHFOR A GOOD WANK ROLL, YOU

INADVERTENTLY STUMBLE UPON THATSMALL PORTION OF THE WEB THAT IS

NOT PORN AT ALL.

WHAT? FOR EXAMPLE, YOU MIGHTTYPE IN "ASIAN FACIAL" AND YOU

GET THIS.

NO!

SO, COMEDIANS, I'M GONNA SHOWYOU A...

(NATASHA LAUGHING)I'M GONNA SHOW YOU A SERIES OF

ANNOYINGLY INNOCENT IMAGES, ANDI WANT YOU TO GIVE ME THE PORN

SEARCH TERMS THAT ACCIDENTALLYLED YOU THERE.

I'M GONNA START THE CLOCK RIGHTNOW.

FIRST ONE. HUH?

(BELL DINGS)ANDY.

>> ARYAN MOMS.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

NEXT ONE.

(BELL DINGS)NATASHA.

>> BLOND WITH NO GAG REFLEX.

>> HARDWICK: OH!

AMAZING!

POINTS!

SO MANY POINTS.

N-NEXT ONE.

(BELL DINGS)HUH?

ANDY DALY.

ANDY DALY.

>> FURRY-FURRY HELD AGAINSTWILL.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

POINTS.

UH, NEXT ONE. HUH?

(BELL DINGS)NATASHA.

>> FOUR-MONTH-OLD GETS AMOUTHFUL.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POINTS.

(GROANING, LAUGHTER)NEXT ONE. HUH, HUH?

WHAT IS... ANDY.

>> THINGS STICKING TO TITS.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, P...

POINTS.

NEXT ONE...

(BELL DINGS)NATASHA.

>> STEPDAD BATHROOM SURPRISE.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POINTS.

MM-HMM. YEP.

(BELL DINGS)THERE'S THIS ONE. ANDY DALY.

>> FUCKABLE SUCCULENTS.

>> HARDWICK: LAST ONE HERE.

(BELL DINGS)DEREK.

>> DAVY COCKETT.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT, POINTS. YEAH.

YEAH, YEAH, DEFINITELY.

DEFINITELY POINTS.

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