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Philadelphia

Baron von Steuben whips Washington's army into shape, longtime friends John Adams and Thomas Jefferson break ties, and Benedict Arnold becomes a British spy. (21:13)

SO VON STEUBENSHOWS UP WITH COOKS

AND BUTLERS.

HE'S DRESSED TO THE NINES.

HE'S WEARING FURS.

HE'S GOT A DOG,AND HE SAYS,

HEY, I'M VON STEUBEN.

HE LOOKS AT ALL OFGENERAL WASHINGTON'S SOLDIERS,

AND HE SAYS,LOOK AT THIS GROUP OF DOGS.

THEY'RE DYING.

THEY'RE STARVING.

THEY HAVE NO AMMUNITION,NO LOVE.

THE SOLDIERS ARE LIKE,I DON'T LIKE THIS GUY.

GEORGE WASHINGTON SAYS,NO, NO.

GIVE HIM A CHANCE.GIVE HIM A CHANCE.

GIVE HIM A CHANCE.

AND VON STEUBEN'S LIKE,

I AM GONNA WHIP YOU GUYSINTO SHAPE.

NEW COACH IS IN TOWN.

VON STEUBEN STARTSTRAINING THE SOLDIERS,

RUNNING THEM THROUGH THE RANKS.

HE'S STRETCHING THEMTHROUGH THE STRETCHERS.

HE'S YELLING AT THEMIN PRUSSIAN.

AND THEY GO,WHAT'S HE SAYING?

WASHINGTON IS LIKE, OH, BOY.

THE GUY DOESN'TEVEN SPEAK ENGLISH,

SO HE SAYS,BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

BLAH, BLAH.

AND THEY HEAR,BLAH, BLAH, BLAH,

BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?

BUT GUESS WHAT.

A YOUNG CAPTAIN SHOWS UP--BEN WALKER.

HE SAYS, I CAN UNDERSTANDALL THE BLAH-BLAH-BLAHS.

I SPEAK PRUSSIAN,AND I CAN HELP THE AMERICANS

UNDERSTAND HIM.

VON STEUBEN TURNS OVERHIS SHOULDER AND SEES...

THE MOST HANDSOME AMERICANHE'S SEEN SO FAR.

STEUBEN'S INTO BLONDESAND THIS GUY IS PLATINUM BLONDE.

BEAUTIFUL CHEEKBONES,PUFFY LIPS.

BENJAMIN WALKER SAYS,I WILL BE YOUR GUIDE,

AND, UH, THEY BECOME BUDS.

BUDS.- [laughs]

THEY HAVE THIS--THIS--

THIS TRAINING MONTAGE.

[Survivor's Eye of the Tiger]

SO BENJAMIN WALKER ENDS UPBEING EXACTLY WHAT THEY NEEDED.

HE HELPS THEM WITH THE TROOPS.

VON STEUBENSTARTS TEACHING THEM THINGS.

HE'S LIKE, THESE ARE KNIVES.

YOU CAN USE THEMTO STAB PEOPLE.

AND THEY'RE LIKE,OH, THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.

HE TEACHES THEMHOW TO CLEAN THEIR TEETH.

TEACHES THEMHOW TO CLEAN THEIR BODIES

SO THEY DON'T GET DISEASE.

PEOPLE WERE LIKE, WE'RE JUSTTRYING TO WIN A WAR, MAN.

AND HE WAS LIKE,THIS IS HOW YOU WIN A WAR.

- ♪ IT'S THE EYEOF THE TIGER ♪

- THEY START TRAINING HARDER,AND THEN HE SAYS,

BEN WALKER, YELL AT THEMIN ENGLISH,

AND THAT GUY SAYS,MORE SQUATS.

MORE SQUATS, COME ON!

HE LITERALLY CHURN--HE CHURNED--

HE CHURNED THE ARMYINTO BUTTER.

[slurps, laughs]

THOMAS JEFFERSONAND JOHN ADAMS--

THEY WERE FOUNDINGFATHERS OF AMERICA.

THEY WERE ALSOTHE BEST OF FRIENDS.

ADAMS WAS LIKE,THE CONSTITUTION--

YOU CAN KIND OF BEND THATHOW YOU NEED TO BEND IT.

WE CAN KIND OF WORKWITH THIS,

AND JEFFERSONWAS ALWAYS LIKE,

CONSTITUTION ISTHE CONSTITUTION.

YOU CAN'T [bleep] WITH THAT.

BUT THEY LOVED EACH OTHER...

UNTIL ADAMS BECAME PRESIDENT,

AND IMMEDIATELYTHEY STARTED BUTTING HEADS.

JOHN ADAMS WAS LIKE,IT'S ILLEGAL TO TALK ANY [bleep]

ABOUT THE PRESIDENTOF THE UNITED STATES,

AND IF YOU DISAGREEWITH THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT,

[bleep] YOU.

AND JEFFERSON WAS LIKE,WELL, THIS IS TYRANNY.

THAT'S A VIOLATIONOF A LITTLE SOMETHING CALLED

FREEDOM OF SPEECH.

IT ALL REALLY REACHES ITS HEADON THE ELECTION OF 1800,

WHERE THESE TWO LIFELONG FRIENDSWERE PITTED AGAINST EACH OTHER.

ADAMS IS LIKE,IF YOU ELECT THOMAS JEFFERSON,

HERE'S WHAT YOU'RE GONNA GET.

MURDER ALL THE TIME.

EVERYBODY'S GONNA BEMURDERING EACH OTHER.

INCEST, YOUR WIVES WILL LOSETHEIR VIRTUE HAVING SEX

WITH A LOT OF DUDESWILLY-NILLY.

SO JEFFERSON STARTSTALKING A LOT OF [bleep]

ABOUT JOHN ADAMS.

WE'RE TALKINGABOUT GUYS WHO, LIKE,

CREATED THIS COUNTRY.

THEY WERE REALLY LIKEA BUNCH OF EIGHTH GRADERS.

HE WAS LIKE, YOU KNOW WHAT?

ADAMS HAS PROSTITUTESSHIPPED IN FROM OVERSEAS

THAT HE BANGS ALL THE TIME.

I'M JUST GONNA--I'M JUSTGONNA TELL YOU THAT RIGHT NOW.

I-I FEEL LIKE I KEEP SEEINGSPIT FLYING FROM MY MOUTH.

- NO, I'M FEELING IT.- AM I SPITTING A LOT?

- YEAH, I'M GLADYOU'RE SEEING IT, YEAH.

- THAT'S GOOD.- I'M IN THE SPLASH ZONE.

- SO JEFFERSONWENT TO THE NEWSPAPERS.

HE SAYS,I WANT TO TELL YOU THIS--

JOHN ADAMSIS A HERMAPHRODITE.

HE'S GOT BOTH MANAND WOMAN SEX ORGANS.

THIS IS, LIKE,A PUBLISHED STATEMENT

FROM THOMAS JEFFERSON.

ADAMS WAS LIKE, OKAY, FINE.

YOU WANT TO GO THAT ROUTE?

THAT'S WHEN [bleep]GOT REALLY DIRTY.

ADAMS SAYS, OH, BY THE WAY,IF YOU WERE THINKING

ABOUT VOTING FOR JEFFERSON,YOU SHOULDN'T BECAUSE HE'S DEAD.

- THAT'S A PRETTY GOOD CAMPAIGN.- IT'S A VERY GOOD CAMPAIGN.

- VOTE FOR ME.I'M ALIVE.

- YEAH.

EVEN IF YOU DISAGREEWITH EVERYTHING I SAY,

AT THE VERY LEAST, I'M ALIVE.

- WOULD YOU RATHER BE ACCUSEDOF HAVING

A PENIS AND A VAGINAOR BEING DEAD?

- I THINK BEING ALIVEWITH A PENIS AND A VAGINA

WOULD BE AN AMAZING EXPERIENCE.

AND YOU'RE ALIVE.- [laughs]

TODAY WE ARE GOING TO TALKABOUT BENEDICT ARNOLD.

BENEDICT ARNOLD WAS A GENERALIN THE AMERICAN REVOLUTION.

HE'S A HERO OF SARATOGA,BUT THE CONTINENTAL CONGRESS

PROMOTED FIVE OTHER GENERALSAND NOT BENEDICT ARNOLD.

BENEDICT ARNOLDWAS VERY BUMMED OUT BY THAT,

SO HE GOES TO PHILADELPHIA.

THERE'S A YOUNG WOMAN,PEGGY SHIPPEN,

WHO IS THE IT GIRLOF PHILADELPHIA.

PEGGY WAS LIKE,I'M HILARIOUS, I'M BRITISH,

AND I'M THE MOST BEAUTIFULPERSON THAT ANYONE'S EVER SEEN.

SHE HAS A SUITORNAMED JOHN ANDRE,

BUT BENEDICT SEES HER AND JUSTFALLS CRAZY IN LOVE WITH HER

AND TELLS HER,IT'S BETTER WITH YOU--

THIS IS NOT AN EXACT QUOTE.

IT'S BETTER--YOU ARE SO GREAT.

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.YOU'RE SO GREAT.

SO SHE MARRIES BENEDICT ARNOLD,WHO I BELIEVE SHE ALSO LOVED.

OH, GOD.- WHAT?

- I JUST REALIZEDTHAT I WAS BEING FILMED.

[both laugh]- MY GOD.

- SO, ANYWAY, PEGGY SAYS,

SWEETHEART, YOU DESERVE TO BEBACKED BY THE GOVERNMENT

THAT YOU BELONG TO.

YOU KNOW, THE BRITISH...

WOULD APPRECIATE YOU.

THEY WOULD LOVE YOU.

ALSO, MY FAMILY'S BRITISH.

BENEDICT'S LIKE, NO, NO, NO.

NO, I'M NOT GONNA--I'M NOT GONNADEFECT TO THE BRITISH SIDE.

THAT'S INSANE.

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MY DADDY,KIND OF.

PEGGY SAYS, LOOK, I HAVEA FRIEND IN THE BRITISH ARMY,

JOHN ANDRE.

BENEDICT'S LIKE, IS THAT GUYYOUR EX-BOYFRIEND?

PEGGY'S LIKE, WELL, I MEAN,

BENEDICT, IF YOU REALLYWANT TO BE WITH ME,

BE MORE CONFIDENT.

AND BENEDICT'S LIKE, YEAH.

YEAH, I AM GOING TO BETRAYTHE UNITED STATES

BECAUSE I LOVE YOU,AND I'M GOING TO PROVE TO YOU

THAT I AM NOT JEALOUS,AND MAKES LOVE TO HIS WIFE.

AND SHE'S LIKE, I LOVE IT.I LOVE BEING A SPY.

THIS IS SO GREATBECAUSE I LOVE DRAMA.

I'M PEGGY SHIPPEN,LIKE, WHAT AN ADVENTURE.

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