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Ron Funches

Ron Funches discusses everything from his weird relationship to his parents to the reason he hates drug tests to the proper way to shame a pet. (20:38)

I'll tell you somethingabout me upfront.

I'm not a tough person.

(laughter)

Don't let this cashmere sweaterfool you.

I'm a tender heart.

I don't get itwhen people act tough.

I don't understand it.

To me, when you act tough,you're just saying,

"Hey, I've been through a lotof horrible stuff in my life,

"and I survived it,

and now, I'm readyto attack anybody."

"Like a pit bull."

I want a demeanor that says,

"I've never been throughanything at all...

and I'm just a pug ridinga decorative pillow."

(laughter)

(applause)

"Where will I go today?Who knows?

But I shall be carried."

(laughter)

(Ron giggles)

(audience laughs)

Oh, you like that giggle?

(laughter)

Not used to a large black man

that giggleslike a Asian princess?

(laughter, scattered applause)

The weird things alwaysbother me.

Like, why do I always haveto prove to a robot

that I'm not a robot?

(laughter)

Why do you even care?

Who put you up to this, robot?

And how do you even want meto prove it?

With a CAPTCHA?

By putting in a seriesof random letters and numbers?

That sounds like something

a robot would be pretty good at.

(applause)

I don't go up to my toasterand be, like,

"Hey, prove to me you notmy friend Craig right now."

"You lookinga little Craig-like to me.

"Kind of acting like Craig.

"Turning my bread into toast--

that's one of Craig'sfavorite things."

"Oh, that is you, Craig?"

"You love sitting onkitchen counters, dude."

(Ron giggles)

I apologize if anyone wasoffended by my use

of the "N" wordin that previous joke.

I heard a couple of gasps.

I don't use that word often.

In fact, I struggleon whether or not

I should use that word at all.

And I don't believewe should ever

use that word to hurt people.

But I do believe we shoulduse it to shame our pets.

You guys are on board already.

You should be.It's just fun for everybody.

And it makes sense...

if you own a catthat's an asshole.

Or a parakeet that thinksit's better than you.

Oh, you think you better than mejust 'cause you can fly?

(bleep) you.

No.

Flying-ass (bleep) wouldn't beshit without me.

I buy your birdseed.

I buy the scarvesyou refuse to wear.

Wear your scarf, (bleep).

(laughs)

(applause, cheering)

(giggles)

That's my favorite sentencein the world right now.

Wear your scarf, (bleep).

When would that ever come up?

Just very considerate

wintertime gang members?

Like, don't forgetthe drive-bys later tonight,

but it's cold and flu season.

Wear your scarf, (bleep).

I don't like the cold at all.I'll tell you that.

Like, I'm so tough,I don't like winter at all.

It's too rough.

I'm a summertime boy.

I love the summer.

It's my favorite timeto just relax,

smoke a little pot.

That's my summer thing.

It's also my winter thing.

(laughter)

(whooping)

And it's creeping in on fall.

But there's always someone

that tries to make you feel bad

about what you enjoy.

I call these people my parents.

We have a weird relationship.

I kind of treat themlike a Wal-Mart,

which I'll explain.

It means I really don't likegoing to them for any reason.

I'd prefer itif they stayed out of my town.

(laughter)

But I get a strange satisfactionfrom stealing from them.

(applause)

Okay.

I was worriedyou guys were gonna narc on me.

♪ Towel's my best friend.

(Ron giggles)

I live in Los Angeles now,which I love very much.

I'm getting veryCalifornia'd out.

I've started meditating more.

Been working on my vision board,

writing my goals out,trying to make the...

(laughter)Why is that funny to you?

I'm just trying to sharemy spiritual journey with you,

tell you about howI'm taking my hopes and dreams

out of the atmosphere,

try to write them downand make a reality.

I think that's brave.

I did find out

that most of my dreams are justto own a Tempur-Pedic mattress.

But that's a solid purchasefor anyone.

I saw a real actual horriblething recently in L.A.

I saw a gentleman on a bus

with a tattoo on his neck

that just read:

"(bleep)...

Linda."

That guy...

hates...

Linda.

Or...

he has to remind himself...

...to be intimate with Linda.

Either way, Lindacould do better.

(applause, whooping)

Oh, y'all know Linda?

We should really starttelling this stuff to her face,

instead of meeting in secretlike this,

to discuss her personal stuff.

We're not good friends.

(giggles)

It's fun.You guys are real fun.

I like hanging outwith you guys.

I'd rather be hanging outwith my son right now,

'cause he's coolerthan all of you.

I'm just pretty sure about that.

He's real handsome,he's got a nice vibe about him.

He's just real chill.

Like, he'd be gettingso much (bleep)

if he wasn't ten years old.

But that's the only thingholding him back.

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