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The Beast with a Billion Backs Pt. 4

The people of Earth contemplate a relationship with Yivo; Bender stages a robot-led coup d'etat. (20:52)

(grunting)

We've been had, people.

The Monsterpusis a monster perv.

It touched mein a bad place--

my spinal cord.

Get him!(all yelling)

Hey, wait a second.

(Fry grunting)

Wait, wait.Allow me to explain.

(grunts)(groans)

Granted, at first I desired

only to bang out a quick cheapone with your universe,

but it's your own fault.

Your universe dressesprovocatively.

Does not!(grunts)

And yet, as the initial filthythrill wore off,

I realized there was more to it.

I knew then thatthe 20 quadrillion of you

(voice breaks):were my soul mate.

We loved you,

and you turn aroundand treat us

like some sortof woman?!

(yells)(grunts)

It's not like I hurt anyone.

Yes, you did, you dumb calamari!

Who?

Kif Kroker, my Fonfon Ru!

If he hadn't tried to kill you,he'd still be alive!

(sobbing)

Really?

I'm... I'm deeply sorry.

I... I'm a big clumsy jerk!

I know you are,but what am I?

(chuckles)

I can never undo what was done.

(laughs):Oh, wait. I can.

(slurping)

(strained grunting)

(retching)

(all gasp)

Kiffy, you're alive!

Amy, my love.

(clears throat)

This is awkward.

It is? Why?

(groans)

Please, please,give me another chance.

We rushed intothis relationship,

but let's start over as friendsand-and see where things go.

(gagging)

(all gagging)

Take me back, Kif?

I don't think I can.

How could you?

My body wasn'teven warm yet.

You were dead.

For about five minutes.

That's allit takes.

Whereas Calculon has sulliedBender's reputation

by insinuatingthat he is a human-lover,

a duel is hereby engaged.

HEDONISMBOT:'Tis a grave and solemn dayfor the League of Robots.

It's gonna be fun on the bun!

Each duelist will taketen paces, pirouette,

and fire like a madman.

One...

two, three...

Oh, how dreadfully exciting.

(moans)Oh, yes.

(giggling)

At 0800 hours, we received

the following transmissionfrom Yivo.

(tape rewinds)

Hey, it's Yivo.(chuckles)

Uh, want to do something Friday?

Call me.(machine beeps)

Analysis?

Mr. President,I think we need

to seriously considerthe possibility ofgoing on this date.

I agree.

Yivo makes me feel sexy,and I'm asexual.

Very well, but no sugaron the first date.

All in favor?

All opposed?

Motion is carried.

This is bogus, man.

...six, seven,

eight!Oh...!

(bang, glass shattering)

(groans)

Nine, ten, fire.

Yes, I got him!

Whoo-hoo!

My fellow Earthlicans,commence preparations

for our date with Yivo.

♪ Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi like youto hold me tight ♪

♪ You are too, too, too, too,too divine ♪

♪ If you want to bein someone's arms tonight ♪

♪ Just be sure the armsyou're in are mine. ♪

♪ Jungle boogie ♪

♪ Jungle boogie. ♪

YIVO:I had a wonderful time.

ALL:Me, too!

♪ I fall,I think I fall for you. ♪

Bender, you've cheated,insulted and maimed me.

Uh-huh.

And thoroughly destroyed

our own secret headquartersin the process.

Hey, it's easy to criticize.

I'm so disgustedby your loathsome behavior

that I hereby resignfrom this imbecilic club

and relinquish the presidencyto you.

Thanks, Calculon.

Can I have your autograph?

You certainly can.

NIXON:Reports, people, reports!

How did ouruniverse's date go?

Oh, it was really fun.

We went to a cute French placein the Village.

My lamb chop fell on the floor,but they brought me another one.

Okay, Yivo showed usa good time--

no one's denying that--

but shklee hasn't offeredour universe

any kind of commitment,and we're 14 billion years old.

That is too oldto play the field.

(all talking at once)

I can't stand this!

Shut up! Shut up,you creepwads!

Fry, you're closer to Yivothan anyone.

What's the skinny?

I love Yivo, but it's true,

there's been no hintof a commitment.

All in favor of dumping Yivo?

ALL:Aye.

(phone trills, beeping)

(sniffles)Aye.

(phone beeps, trills)

NIXON:Resolved:our universe will dump Yivo.

How shall we break the news?

Let's just send a text message.

Say we're going throughsome weird stuff right now.

No, we should at leastdeliver the news in person.

Our universe has always triedto be classy.

Arr, if there's one thing Nixonis known for, it's class.

Let's cut this turd loose.

Choo-choo-choo-choo,chugga-chugga, yeah!

Hey, Bender, youseem perky today.

Yep! You want to gograb a booze?

Ah, I can't right now.

We're going tothe other universe.

Great, I'll make Hot Pockets.

Bender, you know robotscan't go through the anomaly.

Living beings only.

(ship whirring)

(bell dings)

(groans)(Hot Pocket sizzling)

ZOIDBERG:Ow! Ow!

Mmm!

(smacking lips)

BENDER:Too long have we been slavesto the meatbags.

They pretend to be our friends,but they're not

'cause they're too busy!

So, what of it?

My fellow Leaguie-Weegies,the time has come

to overthrow humanity!

(all gasp)

Oh, now, Bender, I hateto defecate on your parade,

but we have only sixdues-paying members

and we're a rather feyand doughy lot.

To overthrow humanity,we'd need a damned army.

Then a damned armywe shall have!

(pained screaming)

(metallic clanking)

(laughing evilly)

I rather thinkwe could strike a deal, Bender.

I shall give youyour army of the damned,

and in return,I ask just one thing,

just one itty-bitty thing:

your firstborn son.

(laughs evilly)

Just a sec.

Daddy!

I knew you'd come back!

Here you go.

(screaming)

Wow! That waspretty brutal,

even by my standards.

No backsies.

(electrical buzzing)

(hydraulic hissing)

(crackling, booming)

(singsongy):Who is it?

ALL:Yechh!

Oh, hi, honey-poo.What's up?

The movie's notfor another hour.

Um... so, so, yeah,

the thing is...

Look, I made homemade Twizzlers!

This is hard.

Yivo, you know how sometimesthings break up? Well...

Wait, hang on.

I was lookingfor the perfect moment,

but what the heck, I'll burstif I wait another second.

(all ooh and aah)

ZAPP:Sweet Sally in the alley!

(people murmuring)

NIXON:Break-up delegation,

before we hear your report,

our grateful universeis proud to honor you

with the great tasteof Charleston Chews!

(fireworks whistling,people exclaiming)

Thank you, Nixon.

(clears throat):Everyone everywhere,

brace yourselves for the mostshocking development

in the historyof the human race.

The human race can bitemy shiny metal ass!

(all gasping)

For thousands of years,robots have slaved for humanity,

yet when the time cameto hang out with them,

they were all, like,"Maybe later, Bender."

Well, it's later now, meatbags!

So late,that we're taking over Earth!

(laughs evilly)

Okay.What?

We don't need it anymore.

Yivo proposed.

We're moving in with shkler.

(all cheering)

You... you're leaving?

But why can't Yivojust move in with us?

We'll put a cot in Europe.

Don't be daft, Bender.

Yivo can't breatheoutside the electric ether

of shkler own universe.

If shklee came here,shklee would shkluffocate.

No shklit?

(crackling, popping)

(all gasp)

Look, fantasticalgolden escalators.

I love this part.

(Leela grunting)

(all gasp)

This place makes Nutleylook like crap.

I'll miss you, Bender, butI have to follow my heart.

You and your robotstake good care of Earth.

Here, these are the keysto the Bermuda Triangle.

Lock up when the world ends.

Good-bye, my friend.

Wait.

(whispers):Let me come with you.

I'm sorry, Bender.

Robots don't go to Heaven.

(sobbing):Death to humans.

YIVO:Welcome, welcome, everyone.

Oh, you look so beautiful.

Let's heat up some leftovers

and then spendeternity together.

I have only one request--

now that you're here,

promise me you'll never,ever communicate

with any other universe.

We promise, Yivo.

As far as we're concerned,

you're the only universein the world.

Blech!

(electrical crackling)

(fingers tapping)

Has humanity called?

No, sir.

Check my messages.

A flashing light meanssomebody called.

I know what it means.

(laughing)

Am I the only one who thinksthis is all a sham?

Yes.

(loud slurping)

This isn't Heaven.

It just looks exactly like itand makes us immortal,

which I find suspicious.

YIVO:Allow me to explain.

Centuries ago, I sentan image of myself

into the minds of your artists.

The heavenly clouds they painteddepict a vapor I exude.

(sniffs)

I wish I exuded anythingthat smelled half that good.

Then what about these "angels"?

Some kind of Scooby-Doo-esqueflashlight projection?

YIVO:Actually, those aremindless jakabirds.

They keep my surface freeof parasitic larvae.

(clucking)

You didn't like Country BearJamboree either, Leela.

There's no pleasing you.

FRY:"Dearest Bender. How are you?

"I am fine.

"Everyone is happy here exceptLeela, but you know her.

"She didn't like Country BearJamboree, either.

"I'm so madly in love with Yivo,

"I feel like a schoolgirl witha crush on Justin Timberlake,

"and then she moves intoa tiny house on his head.

Sincerely, Fry."

Letter for you,Hyperlord Bender.

Gimme that!Honeymoon's over, eh?

Turns out your octopusgirlfriend is a big nag

with curlers in her tentacles,huh?

Well, let's just see if Benderwill take you back.

Oh.

Stupid electro-matter.

That was my best trash can.

Misfile me under "U"for "Euphoric."

You get an infinitenumber of meat dishes,

and a free refill on the soda.

Eureka.

Another elementary proofof the Goldbach Conjecture.

Okay, I admit peopleseem happy.

But it's all so...

wholesome.

And that's what'swrong with Heaven.

It's boring.

There's no sleaze.

It time snu-snu.

Me like snu-snu.

Last one to Mattress Island

is a rotten egg.

Why were we so angry andjealous back in our universe?

I don't know.

It was all so childish.

(splashing)

Look, it's Leela.

ALL:Hi, Leela.

I'm sorry you'renot happy here, Leela.

I'll call you an escalator.

You'll always be mylittle purple pumpkin.

(sighs)

You know, Yivo...

I've loved and lostso many times

that I was afraid.

But I'm not anymore.

I want to stay here, with you.

(all exclaiming happily)

YIVO:Ow... Ow...

What's happening?

YIVO:Ow... Ow!

Hey!

Oh... ow-ow-ow!

Oh... ow!

If robots can't go to Heaven,Heaven can come to us.

(moaning)

All hands abaft.

Army of the damned,prepare to board Heaven.

(cheering)

(screaming)

Take that, ya scurvy kraken.

That'll teach youto despoil our human booty.

(cackling)

Whoa!

'Ello, big beak.

Too slow.

Missed me again.

Arrgh, me footcup.

I'll stab ya.

Bender, stop destroying Heaven.

Shut up, doofy.

I'm rescuing you.

YIVO:Leave my living beings alone!

I love them.

Something you,a lifeless mechanism,

will never understand.

He's right, Bender.

Please... take your littlepink sword and go home.

Seriously? But...

I did this wholepirate-themed attack for you.

Wait a second.Let me see that sword.

Fry, where did he getthis electro-matter?

Uh...

(coughs)

Is it dry up here?

How could you, Fry?

Why do you thinkI asked you

not to contactother universes?

I-I didn't think...

No, you didn't.

You broke your promise,and you broke my heart.

Just go.

All of you.

(all screaming)

Ow!

I must leave now.

The nature of your universeis burning me,

even worse thanmy gonorrhea.

You should get checked,by the way.

If I don't go home now,I'll... shkluffocate.

Let me go with you.

It'll be just the two of us.

We'll make a fire and play Uno.

Fry, stop.

That's who we were,not who we are.

But...My only consolation isthat I did find one

among the quadrillionswho truly understands me.

Colleen?! Wait a second.

re you and Yivo...?

That's right, Fry.

Thank you forintroducing us.

Yivo has taught mewhat a narrow-minded prude

I was before.

Oh, great.

So what am I supposed to do now?

Go home.

Find a girlfrom your own universe

and live on top of her.

Waah! Saved you.

BENDER:A-ha!

(straining groan)

(sighs)

Maybe Yivo was right.

Maybe I should look for lovecloser to home.

I don't know, Leela,you think maybe...

Oh, please.

You forgot me quick enoughwhen you met Colleen.

That's true.

How about you, Amy?

Fry, guh.

I'm Kif's Fonfon Ru.

Are you?

Well, then perhapsyou misunderstood

the meaningof the term.

It means "one who doesn't sleepwith my superior officer."

That's the literaltranslation.

Give the poor girla break, Kif.

It's not like shehad a dictionary.

She was butt naked,for God's sakes.

(all arguing)

(bosun's whistle blowing)

Captain on deck.

At ease, buckos.

Bender, why did you do it?

We were all so happy.

And we were in love.

Pfft! That wasn't love.

What? How can you say that?

Because Bender knows love.

And love doesn't shareitself with the world.

Love is suspicious,love is needy,

love is fearful, love is greedy.

My friends,there is no great love

without great jealousy.

I love you, meatbags.

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