share

Stealing, Addiction, Prom

Forrest gets carried away while reviewing theft, finds that his threshold for addiction is high except when it comes to cocaine and takes his son's babysitter to prom. (21:11)

LIFE AS A THIEF,

I REALIZED I WOULDHAVE TO PUT MYSELF

AT GREATER AND GREATER RISKOF LEGAL CONSEQUENCES.

MY CRIMES COULDNO LONGER BE EASY

OR SIMPLY VICTIMIZETHE OLD AND THE SLOW.

- EXCUSE ME.- OH.

- DID YOU JUST TAKE MY HAT?

- NO.

HEY, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

IF SOMEBODY DIDTAKE YOUR HAT,

I WOULD LIKE YOUTO HAVE MINE.

COME ON.

[laughs]YEAH, WHY NOT?

I WAS SURPRISED TO FIND

THAT I WASINCREDIBLY TALENTED

AT SEPARATING PEOPLEFROM THEIR BELONGINGS.

MY GOODNESS.HEY, IS THAT JUSTIN BIEBER,

OR DOES SHE JUSTLOOK LIKE HIM?

NO, THAT'S HIM.

WHAT AN ANGELIC FACEHE'S GOT.

THERE WAS NOTHINGI COULD NOT HAVE...

FOR FREE.

[siren wails]

[police radio chatter]

[light classical music]

- GO!

- INSPIRED BY MY SUCCESSESWITH PETTY CRIME,

I CONVERTED THE REVIEW OFFICESINTO A STAGING GROUND

FOR MY MOST AMBITIOUS HEIST YET.

WE ARE NOT HEREFOR YOUR MONEY.

WE ARE HEREFOR THE BANK'S MONEY,

WHICH IS FEDERALLY INSURED.

I ENLISTED THE AID OFMY EXECUTIVE ASSISTANT LUCILLE

AND OUR OFFICE INTERN JOSH.

WE WOULD NOTGO UNPREPARED.

AS WE SAW DURINGTHE FISCAL CRISIS OF 2008,

THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENTWILL NOT HESITATE

TO STEP IN AND BAIL OUTTHE BANKS...

- 30 SECONDS!- WITH TAXPAYER MONEY, AND--

WHEN WE DO IT,I'LL MAKE IT SHORTER.

IT'S TOO LONG. OKAY.

- IF YOU'RE THE HEAD TELLER,RAISE YOUR HAND!

- WILL YOU PLEASEBE THE HEAD TELLER, LUCILLE?

PLEASE. GOOD. OKAY.- GREAT.

OKAY. TAKE ME INTO THE VAULT,RIGHT NOW!

NO FUNNY BUSINESS.- GREAT. WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

WHERE'S THE VAULT?- OH, IT'S OVER HERE.

- THANK YOU.

- GRACIAS.- YOU'RE WELCOME.

- GOOD. SO YOU'RE HEADEDTO THE VAULT.

THOSE ARE NICELY MADE LINES.

WELL, I HAVE NEVERDONE COCAINE BEFORE,

AND I HAVE NO IDEAHOW EASY OR HARD IT IS

TO GET ADDICTED TO IT.

I CONFESS I AM QUITE NERVOUSABOUT THIS, BUT--

THANK YOU.

BON VOYAGE.

- HAPPY SAILING.

- [snorts]

[grunts]

AAH. OH!

THAT'S LIKE BLEACHIN MY SINUSES.

THAT'S TERRIBLE.

[coughs, hacks]

NO. THAT'S A TERRIBLE FEELING.

GOOD-BYE, COCAINE.

- NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO,MISTER--

AAH.- WHAT?

YOU WOULD'VE LIKEDTO HAVE DONE THAT COCAINE?

- NO.- NO, OF COURSE NOT.

THAT'S ABSOLUTE GARBAGE.THAT'S TERRIBLE.

I FEEL LIKE GOING FOR A WALK.YOU WANNA GO FOR A WALK?

- YEAH, I'M JUST GONNATAKE OUT YOUR TRASH REAL QUICK.

- THAT'S FINE.

SOME PEOPLE SIMPLYCAN'T GET ADDICTED.

THEIR BRAINS ARE TOO STURDY.

COULD THIS BE MY PROBLEM?

I TESTED THAT HYPOTHESISWITH TWO OTHER

FAMOUSLY ADDICTIVE SUBSTANCES:

CIGARETTES FILLEDWITH TOBACCO...

[coughing]

OH, NO, NO, NO.

AND ALCOHOLIC WINE.

BUT I COULD NOT GETTHOSE MONKEYS ON MY BACK.

ALL THIS DOESIS MAKE ME SLEEPY.

I THINK I'LL, UH,GO TO THE BATHROOM.

[exhales]

SO YOU CAN ADD ALCOHOLTO THE LIST

OF [bleep]I'M NOT ADDICTED TO.

I MEAN, MAYBE I'M JUSTINVULNERABLE TO ADDICTION.

LIKE, WHAT AM I,A SUPERHERO?

IT'S MR. INVULNERABLE!

[laughs]

OKAY, SO I HAVE TRIED

COCAINE, CIGARETTES, ALCOHOL.

DIDN'T GET ADDICTEDTO ANY OF THOSE.

BUT THERE'S ONE MORE THINGI NEED TO TRY.

COCAINE![chuckles]

WAS IN FULL SWING,

BUT TO GAIN ENTRYTO THIS EXCLUSIVE EVENT,

I'D NEEDAN AGE-APPROPRIATE ESCORT.

I DON'T HAVE A DATE MYSELF.

NO DATE TO THE PROM.

BUT JUST LIKEWHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL,

EVERY TEENAGE GIRL I ASKEDALREADY HAD PLANS.

THAT'S QUITE HURTFUL,BUT THANK YOU FOR YOUR HONESTY.

EXCUSE ME, I DON'T HAVEA VISITOR'S PASS,

SO I NEED TO MAKE THISREALLY QUICK.

HEY, I'M LOOKING FOR A DATETO YOUR SENIOR PROM,

AND I DON'T CAREWHO I GO WITH.

HANG ON, NOW.ALL RIGHT.

OOP, THERE'S THATGUIDANCE COUNSELOR

WHO WAS GIVING ME GRIEFBEFORE.

I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO BEIN THE BUILDING.

EVENTUALLY, MY SEARCHFOR A HUMAN PROM TICKET

LED ME TO MY OWN LIVING ROOM.

I SEE YOU FOUNDTHE SANDWICHES.

MEG CARMICHAEL, A SENIORAT NEARBY FRANKLIN HIGH,

WAS OUR SITTER.

[classical music playing]

[music stops]

MEG, THERE'S SOMETHING I'D LIKETO TALK TO YOU ABOUT.

YOU'RE A SENIORIN HIGH SCHOOL NOW, YES?

- Y-YEAH.

- AND YOU'VE GOT A PROMCOMING UP, RIGHT?

- YEAH.

- HAS ANYONE ASKED YOUTO YOUR SENIOR PROM YET?

- NO.

- HOW WOULD YOU LIKETO GO TO YOUR PROM WITH ME?

- OKAY.- YES!

OH, GOODY!I'M--I'M GLAD. I'M GLAD.

WE'RE GONNA HAVEA VERY GOOD TIME.

NOW I'LL TAKE YOU HOME.

I ARRIVED AT 6:00 SHARP

TO FIND MY DATE LOOKINGELEGANT AND LADYLIKE.

[chuckles]LOOK AT THAT DRESS.

OH, MY GOODNESS, IT MATCHESYOUR WHOLE PERSONALITY.

AFTER A BRIEF PHOTO SHOOTON THE FRONT LAWN...

THIS IS SORT OF AN EXCITINGMILESTONE

FOR PARENTS, ISN'T IT?

WHO KNOWS WHAT'S IN STOREFOR US TONIGHT?

- WE WERE ON OUR WAY.

Loading...