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Jo Koy: Don't Make Him Angry

  • 07/03/2010
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Jo Koy details life with his Filipino mom, the advantages of dancing like Michael Jackson and the strangeness of touring the South as an Asian American. (42:01)

I'VE BEEN ON THE ROAD FORALMOST WHAT, A YEAR?

LIKE A YEAR AND A HALFI'VE BEEN ON THE ROAD,

AND, UH, AND YOU--AND YOU GO TO THESE PLACES

THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO.

LIKE, I COULDN'T WAITTO COME TO NEW YORK,

BUT THERE'S OTHER PLACESTHAT I HAVE TO GO TO,

AND--AND--AND YOU GO,AND YOU'RE LIKE,

"THIS PLACE IS A STATE?"

LIKE ALABAMA.[gasps]

[laughter and boos]

OH.

OH, MY GOD, ALABAMA.

I HAD TO DO A SHOW IN ALABAMA.SON OF A BITCH.

I WAS THE ONLY ASIANIN ALABAMA.

I WAS THE ONLY ASIAN

IN ALABAMA.

AND THEY DIDN'T EVEN WAITFOR THE SHOW TO START

TO SEE ME.

THEY WERE OUTSIDE MY HOTEL ROOMJUST LOOKING.

[southern accent]COME TO THE WINDOW.

COME ON, MAN.

COME TO THE WIN--WE WANT TO SEE YOU.

[normal voice]JUST GO.

WAITED OUTSIDE MY WINDOWFOR, LIKE, 15 MINUTES.

I'M, LIKE, STANDING ON THE SIDEOF THE CURTAIN LIKE THIS.

[whispering]TAKE A PEEK.OH...

[southern accent]WE SEE YOU.

HE THINKS HE'S A NINJA.

[laughter and applause]

ALABAMA SCAREDTHE...OUT OF ME.

SCARED THE--THIS GUYPICKED ME UP IN A TRUCK--

A PICKUP TRUCK,PICKUP TRUCK--

AND THREW MY LUGGAGEIN THE BACK OF THE TRUCK.

THERE'S A DOG STANDINGON MY LUGGAGE LIKE THIS, A DOG.

AND HE'S LIKE,

[southern accent]"HE'LL WATCH--HE'LL WATCH YOUR LUGGAGE."

AND I--AND I GET IN THE TRUCK.I'M LIKE, "OKAY, COOL."

WE'RE DRIVING.

[southern accent]THIS YOUR FIRST TIMETO ALABAMA?

[normal voice]UNFORTUNATELY.

[southern accent]YOU WANT TO GOTO THE HOTEL FIRST?

[normal voice]THAT'S THE ONLY OPTION.

I GOT INTO SWIMMING.I HATE SWIMMING!

I GOT INTO ITBECAUSE OF MICHAEL PHELPS.

I THINK EVERYONEGOT INTO SWIMMING

BECAUSE OF MICHAEL PHELPS,RIGHT?

I GOT INTO THAT.

[cheers and applause]

OOH, I COULDN'T WAITFOR THAT RA--

OOH, THAT RELAY,I COULDN'T WAIT.

I BOUGHT GOGGLES.

BOUGHT GOGGLES.

I WAS SITTINGON THE COUCH.

I WAS NAKED. I WAS NAKED.I DID--I DIDN'T HAV--

THE SPEEDOSDIDN'T COME IN YET,

JUST THE GOGGLES.

THE SPEEDOS--I DON'T KNOW WHY THEY WERE LATE.

I BOUGHT THEM ON eBAY.

IT WAS A--IT WAS A GOGGLES,SPEEDO PACKAGE.

AND THE [...]ONLY SENT ME GOGGLES,

BUT I WAS LIKE, "[...] IT.I'M GONNA WEAR IT ANYWAYS."

SO I WAS NAKED,BUT I HAD A BOWL OF POPCORN.

I'M WEARING THE GOGGLES,AND I'M EATING POPCORN NAKED.

AND THE RELAYWAS ABOUT TO START.

AND--AND MICHAEL PHELPSWAS ON THAT PLATFORM.

HE HAD THE--THE WET CAP ON,

AND HE WAS, LIKE, SHAKINGTHIS MUSCLE.

I DON'T EVEN KNOWWHAT THAT IS.

HE LOOKEDLIKE A SUPERHERO, RIGHT?

AND I'M NOT GAY,BUT, LIKE, JUST HIM DOING THAT,

I WAS LIKE, "MAN."

[laughter and applause]

HE WAS LIKE A SUPERHERO.YOU KNEW HE WAS GONNA WIN.

I WAS SO AMPED.I WAS LIKE, "BEAT THAT--

BEAT THEM. BEAT FRANCE.GO! GO, USA!"

I WAS INTO THAT [...].

AND THEN THEY SHOT THE GUN.[imitates gunshot]

THE FIRST--RIGHT?THE FIRST SWIMMER WENT IN.

AH, AH, AH!

PULLED AHEAD 20 FEET.WE WERE KILLING FRANCE.

RIGHT?

AND THEN MICHAEL PHELPSWAS THE SECOND SWIMMER.

JUMPED IN--BAH, AH!

PULLED AHEAD 30 MORE FEET.

I WAS LIKE, "WE GOT THIS.WE'RE GONNA WIN."

I WAS ON THE COUCH,"GO, GO, GO."

AND THEN THE BLACK GUYJUMPED IN.

[laughter and applause]

YOU GUYS REALLY CAN'T SWIM, MAN.I WAS LIKE--

CHECK THIS OUT. THIS ISANOTHER REASON WHY

I WAS SO HAPPY TOHAPPY TO COME HOME

'CAUSE MY SON--YOU KNOW, HE'S FIVE NOW.

HE TURNED FIVE, SO, UH--

AND IT'S JUST GOOD TO COME HOMEAND--AND BE WITH HIM,

UH, 'CAUSE HE'S, UH,OUT OF HIS MIND.

DUDE, IF YOU GOT A KID--I DON'T KNOW IF YOU GUYS--

IF ANYONE'S GOT KIDS,

IF YOU GOT A LITTLE BOYAND THEY'RE FIVE,

IT'S CRAZY.

MY SON IS OUT OF HIS MIND.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE SAYSHALF THE TIME.

AND HE SPEAKS VERY WELL,

BUT I JUST DON'T KNOWWHAT HE'S SAYING,

AND I TRY AND IGNORE HIM.

I TRY, YOU GUYS.I TRY.

AND EVERY PARENT IN HEREKNOWS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

I TRY AND IGNORE HIM.

I CAN'T, THOUGH.

AND THEN I GOT TO LISTENTO THESE STORIES

ABOUT ALPHABETS AND NUMBERS

AND POPSICLES.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE [...]HE'S TALKING ABOUT.

AND HE'S SO ANIMATEDWHEN HE TALKS.

DADDY, I DO THIS THINGWITH THE OTHER THING, AND [...]

[mumbling loudly]

MY SON IS OUT OF HIS MIND.

MY SON LOVES TO PLAY

WITH HIS [...]

IT'S A PROBLEM.

HE PLAYSWITH HIS [...] NONSTOP,

LIKE CAN'T STOP PLAYINGWITH HIS [...]

HE PLAY--AND IT'S NOT LIKE--

IT'S NOT LIKE,"OOH, LITTLE, CUTE [...] "

IT'S LIKE, "I'M AAH!"

LIKE--LIKE--AND HE CALLS ITHIS TING-TING.

HE GOES, "TING-TING!

DADDY, AH, AH, TING-TING!"

ONE TIME HE HAD ALL FOUR FINGERSON THE SHAFT,

AND HE'S SQUEEZING IT,AND THE HEAD'S LIKE,

"AAH!"

IT LOOKED LIKE,"AAH! TING-TING!

DADDY?""WHAT?"

"TING-TING!"

[laughter and applause]

SCARES THE [...] OUT OF ME.

CHECK THIS OUT--THIS IS HOW CRAZY HE IS.

ONE TIME WE WERE WATCHING TV,BOTH OF US,

AND--AND I HEAR HIM--LIKE, I HEAR RUSTLING AND STUFF,

AND I JUST THOUGHTHE WAS PLAYING AROUND.

AND I LOOK.HE'S PLAYING WITH HIS [...]

LIKE A MAD SCIENTISTTRYING TO PUT A ROCKET TOGETHER.

LIKE, IT WAS JUST SO,LIKE, LIKE [...].

DADDY!

[laughter and applause]

FIRST OF ALL, I JUSTGO TO VISIT HER.

OKAY, SHE'S GOTTHE Wii, OKAY?

THIS IS LIKE A MONTH LATER,AFTER SHE BOUGHT IT.

AND WE'RE SITTING ON THE COUCH.IT'S 11:00 AT NIGHT.

THERE'S NOTHING ON, AND MY--YOU KNOW, I'M WATCHING IT,

AND--AND MY MOM'S JUSTSITTING THERE, AND SHE'S LIKE,

[Filipino accent]"JOSEP."

[normal voice]I'M LIKE, "YEAH? YEAH?"

[Filipino accent]SHE'S LIKE, "UM [...],

DO YOU WANT TO, UH, CHALLENGE METO A GAME OF Wii?"

[normal voice]YEAH, ALL RIGHT.

[Filipino accent]SHE'S LIKE, "OH, OKAY,THIS IS GOING TO BE FUN."

[normal voice]YEAH, OKAY.

SO SHE GETS UP,AND SHE PUTS THE GAME

IN--IN THE CONSOLE, RIGHT?

AND--AND SHE ONLY HASONE GAME.

IT'S Wii SPORT.

IT'S THE ONE THAT IT CAME WITH,THE FREE GAME, RIGHT?

SO SHE PUTS IT IN THERE,AND SHE CLOSES IT, RIGHT?

AND THEN--AND THEN SHE DOES THIS.

[Filipino accent]SHE GOES, "JOSEP, UH, GO AHEAD

"AND, UH, PICKONE OF YOUR GAMES.

WHAT SPORTDO YOU WANT TO PLAY?"

[normal voice]I DON'T KNOW, BOWLING.

[Filipino accent]SHE GOES,"OH, THAT'S MY FAVORITE."

[normal voice]SO SHE PICKS BOWLING, AND THENSHE SELECTS HER CHARACTER.

IF YOU DON'T HAVE A Wii,YOU CAN MAKE YOUR OWN CHARACTER.

SHE'S MADE A CHARACTER,

AND THIS CHARACTERLOOKS JUST LIKE HER.

IT'S GOT--SHE'S GOTSHORT BLACK HAIR, GLASSES,

A RED TURTLENECK, A [...] MOLE.

[Filipino accent]AND SHE GOES, "JOSEP,I MADE ONE FOR YOU, TOO."

[normal voice]I GO, "REALLY?"SHE GOES, "YEAH."

AND I PICK IT. I PICK JO,AND IT'S JUST A BALD [...] GUY.

[Filipino accent]SHE GOES, "HA HA HA,IT LOOKS JUST LIKE YOU."

[laughing]

[normal voice]SO NOW SHE'S UP FIRST, RIGHT?

SHE'S GOT THE CONTROLLERIN HER HAND.

AND SHE'S LOOKING AT THE SCREEN.SHE LINES UP LIKE THIS.

SHE'S LINING UP.

LIKE, SHE'S--LIKE,SHE'S LINING UP LIKE THIS,

LOOKING AT THE TV.

AND THEN SHE STARTS WALKINGTOWARDS IT LIKE THIS.

BOOM.

AND SHE RELEASES THE BALL.SHE--SHE--

SHE DOES THAT,JUST LIKE THE PROS.

AND SHE HITS IT LIKE THIS.SHE GOES, "POW."

PERFECT RIGHT-TO-LEFT HOOK.BOOM STRIKE.

[Filipino accent]MY MOM GOES, "GODDAMN IT.

"GODDAMN IT.

YOUR TURN."