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Jo Koy: Don't Make Him Angry

  • 07/03/2010
  • views: 1,249

Jo Koy details life with his Filipino mom, the advantages of dancing like Michael Jackson and the strangeness of touring the South as an Asian American. (42:01)

I'VE BEEN ON THE ROAD FORALMOST WHAT, A YEAR?

LIKE A YEAR AND A HALFI'VE BEEN ON THE ROAD,

AND, UH, AND YOU--AND YOU GO TO THESE PLACES

THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO.

LIKE, I COULDN'T WAITTO COME TO NEW YORK,

BUT THERE'S OTHER PLACESTHAT I HAVE TO GO TO,

AND--AND--AND YOU GO,AND YOU'RE LIKE,

"THIS PLACE IS A STATE?"

LIKE ALABAMA.[gasps]

[laughter and boos]

OH.

OH, MY GOD, ALABAMA.

I HAD TO DO A SHOW IN ALABAMA.SON OF A BITCH.

I WAS THE ONLY ASIANIN ALABAMA.

I WAS THE ONLY ASIAN

IN ALABAMA.

AND THEY DIDN'T EVEN WAITFOR THE SHOW TO START

TO SEE ME.

THEY WERE OUTSIDE MY HOTEL ROOMJUST LOOKING.

[southern accent]COME TO THE WINDOW.

COME ON, MAN.

COME TO THE WIN--WE WANT TO SEE YOU.

[normal voice]JUST GO.

WAITED OUTSIDE MY WINDOWFOR, LIKE, 15 MINUTES.

I'M, LIKE, STANDING ON THE SIDEOF THE CURTAIN LIKE THIS.

[whispering]TAKE A PEEK.OH...

[southern accent]WE SEE YOU.

HE THINKS HE'S A NINJA.

[laughter and applause]

ALABAMA SCAREDTHE...OUT OF ME.

SCARED THE--THIS GUYPICKED ME UP IN A TRUCK--

A PICKUP TRUCK,PICKUP TRUCK--

AND THREW MY LUGGAGEIN THE BACK OF THE TRUCK.

THERE'S A DOG STANDINGON MY LUGGAGE LIKE THIS, A DOG.

AND HE'S LIKE,

[southern accent]"HE'LL WATCH--HE'LL WATCH YOUR LUGGAGE."

AND I--AND I GET IN THE TRUCK.I'M LIKE, "OKAY, COOL."

WE'RE DRIVING.

[southern accent]THIS YOUR FIRST TIMETO ALABAMA?

[normal voice]UNFORTUNATELY.

[southern accent]YOU WANT TO GOTO THE HOTEL FIRST?

[normal voice]THAT'S THE ONLY OPTION.

I GOT INTO SWIMMING.I HATE SWIMMING!

I GOT INTO ITBECAUSE OF MICHAEL PHELPS.

I THINK EVERYONEGOT INTO SWIMMING

BECAUSE OF MICHAEL PHELPS,RIGHT?

I GOT INTO THAT.

[cheers and applause]

OOH, I COULDN'T WAITFOR THAT RA--

OOH, THAT RELAY,I COULDN'T WAIT.

I BOUGHT GOGGLES.

BOUGHT GOGGLES.

I WAS SITTINGON THE COUCH.

I WAS NAKED. I WAS NAKED.I DID--I DIDN'T HAV--

THE SPEEDOSDIDN'T COME IN YET,

JUST THE GOGGLES.

THE SPEEDOS--I DON'T KNOW WHY THEY WERE LATE.

I BOUGHT THEM ON eBAY.

IT WAS A--IT WAS A GOGGLES,SPEEDO PACKAGE.

AND THE [...]ONLY SENT ME GOGGLES,

BUT I WAS LIKE, "[...] IT.I'M GONNA WEAR IT ANYWAYS."

SO I WAS NAKED,BUT I HAD A BOWL OF POPCORN.

I'M WEARING THE GOGGLES,AND I'M EATING POPCORN NAKED.

AND THE RELAYWAS ABOUT TO START.

AND--AND MICHAEL PHELPSWAS ON THAT PLATFORM.

HE HAD THE--THE WET CAP ON,

AND HE WAS, LIKE, SHAKINGTHIS MUSCLE.

I DON'T EVEN KNOWWHAT THAT IS.

HE LOOKEDLIKE A SUPERHERO, RIGHT?

AND I'M NOT GAY,BUT, LIKE, JUST HIM DOING THAT,

I WAS LIKE, "MAN."

[laughter and applause]

HE WAS LIKE A SUPERHERO.YOU KNEW HE WAS GONNA WIN.

I WAS SO AMPED.I WAS LIKE, "BEAT THAT--

BEAT THEM. BEAT FRANCE.GO! GO, USA!"

I WAS INTO THAT [...].

AND THEN THEY SHOT THE GUN.[imitates gunshot]

THE FIRST--RIGHT?THE FIRST SWIMMER WENT IN.

AH, AH, AH!

PULLED AHEAD 20 FEET.WE WERE KILLING FRANCE.

RIGHT?

AND THEN MICHAEL PHELPSWAS THE SECOND SWIMMER.

JUMPED IN--BAH, AH!

PULLED AHEAD 30 MORE FEET.

I WAS LIKE, "WE GOT THIS.WE'RE GONNA WIN."

I WAS ON THE COUCH,"GO, GO, GO."

AND THEN THE BLACK GUYJUMPED IN.

[laughter and applause]

YOU GUYS REALLY CAN'T SWIM, MAN.I WAS LIKE--

CHECK THIS OUT. THIS ISANOTHER REASON WHY

I WAS SO HAPPY TOHAPPY TO COME HOME

'CAUSE MY SON--YOU KNOW, HE'S FIVE NOW.

HE TURNED FIVE, SO, UH--

AND IT'S JUST GOOD TO COME HOMEAND--AND BE WITH HIM,

UH, 'CAUSE HE'S, UH,OUT OF HIS MIND.

DUDE, IF YOU GOT A KID--I DON'T KNOW IF YOU GUYS--

IF ANYONE'S GOT KIDS,

IF YOU GOT A LITTLE BOYAND THEY'RE FIVE,

IT'S CRAZY.

MY SON IS OUT OF HIS MIND.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE SAYSHALF THE TIME.

AND HE SPEAKS VERY WELL,

BUT I JUST DON'T KNOWWHAT HE'S SAYING,

AND I TRY AND IGNORE HIM.

I TRY, YOU GUYS.I TRY.

AND EVERY PARENT IN HEREKNOWS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

I TRY AND IGNORE HIM.

I CAN'T, THOUGH.

AND THEN I GOT TO LISTENTO THESE STORIES

ABOUT ALPHABETS AND NUMBERS

AND POPSICLES.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE [...]HE'S TALKING ABOUT.

AND HE'S SO ANIMATEDWHEN HE TALKS.

DADDY, I DO THIS THINGWITH THE OTHER THING, AND [...]

[mumbling loudly]

MY SON IS OUT OF HIS MIND.

MY SON LOVES TO PLAY

WITH HIS [...]

IT'S A PROBLEM.

HE PLAYSWITH HIS [...] NONSTOP,

LIKE CAN'T STOP PLAYINGWITH HIS [...]

HE PLAY--AND IT'S NOT LIKE--

IT'S NOT LIKE,"OOH, LITTLE, CUTE [...] "

IT'S LIKE, "I'M AAH!"

LIKE--LIKE--AND HE CALLS ITHIS TING-TING.

HE GOES, "TING-TING!

DADDY, AH, AH, TING-TING!"

ONE TIME HE HAD ALL FOUR FINGERSON THE SHAFT,

AND HE'S SQUEEZING IT,AND THE HEAD'S LIKE,

"AAH!"

IT LOOKED LIKE,"AAH! TING-TING!

DADDY?""WHAT?"

"TING-TING!"

[laughter and applause]

SCARES THE [...] OUT OF ME.

CHECK THIS OUT--THIS IS HOW CRAZY HE IS.

ONE TIME WE WERE WATCHING TV,BOTH OF US,

AND--AND I HEAR HIM--LIKE, I HEAR RUSTLING AND STUFF,

AND I JUST THOUGHTHE WAS PLAYING AROUND.

AND I LOOK.HE'S PLAYING WITH HIS [...]

LIKE A MAD SCIENTISTTRYING TO PUT A ROCKET TOGETHER.

LIKE, IT WAS JUST SO,LIKE, LIKE [...].

DADDY!

[laughter and applause]

FIRST OF ALL, I JUSTGO TO VISIT HER.

OKAY, SHE'S GOTTHE Wii, OKAY?

THIS IS LIKE A MONTH LATER,AFTER SHE BOUGHT IT.

AND WE'RE SITTING ON THE COUCH.IT'S 11:00 AT NIGHT.

THERE'S NOTHING ON, AND MY--YOU KNOW, I'M WATCHING IT,

AND--AND MY MOM'S JUSTSITTING THERE, AND SHE'S LIKE,

[Filipino accent]"JOSEP."

[normal voice]I'M LIKE, "YEAH? YEAH?"

[Filipino accent]SHE'S LIKE, "UM [...],

DO YOU WANT TO, UH, CHALLENGE METO A GAME OF Wii?"

[normal voice]YEAH, ALL RIGHT.

[Filipino accent]SHE'S LIKE, "OH, OKAY,THIS IS GOING TO BE FUN."

[normal voice]YEAH, OKAY.

SO SHE GETS UP,AND SHE PUTS THE GAME

IN--IN THE CONSOLE, RIGHT?

AND--AND SHE ONLY HASONE GAME.

IT'S Wii SPORT.

IT'S THE ONE THAT IT CAME WITH,THE FREE GAME, RIGHT?

SO SHE PUTS IT IN THERE,AND SHE CLOSES IT, RIGHT?

AND THEN--AND THEN SHE DOES THIS.

[Filipino accent]SHE GOES, "JOSEP, UH, GO AHEAD

"AND, UH, PICKONE OF YOUR GAMES.

WHAT SPORTDO YOU WANT TO PLAY?"

[normal voice]I DON'T KNOW, BOWLING.

[Filipino accent]SHE GOES,"OH, THAT'S MY FAVORITE."

[normal voice]SO SHE PICKS BOWLING, AND THENSHE SELECTS HER CHARACTER.

IF YOU DON'T HAVE A Wii,YOU CAN MAKE YOUR OWN CHARACTER.

SHE'S MADE A CHARACTER,

AND THIS CHARACTERLOOKS JUST LIKE HER.

IT'S GOT--SHE'S GOTSHORT BLACK HAIR, GLASSES,

A RED TURTLENECK, A [...] MOLE.

[Filipino accent]AND SHE GOES, "JOSEP,I MADE ONE FOR YOU, TOO."

[normal voice]I GO, "REALLY?"SHE GOES, "YEAH."

AND I PICK IT. I PICK JO,AND IT'S JUST A BALD [...] GUY.

[Filipino accent]SHE GOES, "HA HA HA,IT LOOKS JUST LIKE YOU."

[laughing]

[normal voice]SO NOW SHE'S UP FIRST, RIGHT?

SHE'S GOT THE CONTROLLERIN HER HAND.

AND SHE'S LOOKING AT THE SCREEN.SHE LINES UP LIKE THIS.

SHE'S LINING UP.

LIKE, SHE'S--LIKE,SHE'S LINING UP LIKE THIS,

LOOKING AT THE TV.

AND THEN SHE STARTS WALKINGTOWARDS IT LIKE THIS.

BOOM.

AND SHE RELEASES THE BALL.SHE--SHE--

SHE DOES THAT,JUST LIKE THE PROS.

AND SHE HITS IT LIKE THIS.SHE GOES, "POW."

PERFECT RIGHT-TO-LEFT HOOK.BOOM STRIKE.

[Filipino accent]MY MOM GOES, "GODDAMN IT.

"GODDAMN IT.

YOUR TURN."

HEAD-TO-TOE--PERFECTION.GORGEOUS.

GOD TOOK HIS TIME WHEN HE MADETHE WOMAN, ESPECIALLY THE--

OH.

RIGHT?THAT IS PERFECTION, DUDE.

HE TOOK HIS TIMEWHEN HE MADE THE--THE--

OH, THE VAGINA.

THAT'S AMAZING.HE--HE--

DUDE, RIGHT, DUDE?

DON'T--DUDE.THANK YOU.

THE ONLY HONEST ONE IN HERE.YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

THAT [...] IS AMAZING.

THAT IS THE GREATEST DESSERTIN THE WORLD, RIGHT?

IT'S THAT DELICIOUS.

SEE? EVERY GUY KNOWWHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

IT'S THAT GOOD.

IT DOESN'T MATTERHOW FULL YOU ARE, RIGHT?

IT DOESN'T MATTERHOW FULL YOU ARE,

YOU'RE ALWAYSIN THE MOOD FOR [...].

IT'S THAT GOOD.

YOU COULD BE LIKE, "WOW, THATTURKEY DINNER WAS AMAZING."

"GOT ROOM FOR [...]?"

"YEAH, I GOT ROOM FOR [...]

GIVE ME A BIB.I GOT IT."

IT'S THAT GOOD.

IF [...] WAS JELL-O,

I WOULD ASK FOR ITLIKE BILL COSBY EVERY NIGHT.

[imitating Bill Cosby]COULD I PLEASE EAT YOUR [...]?

GAH.

[...].

[normal voice]IT'S THAT GOOD.

AND GOD KNEWHE HAD TO MAKE IT THAT GOOD.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?HE WORKED OVERTIME.

HE HAD TO MAKETHAT THING BEAUTIFUL

AND DURABLE.

IT'S LIKE A BEEMER.

[laughs]

I CAN JUST SEE GOD NOWIN HEAVEN,

JUST--JUST SCULPTING ITOUT OF CLAY.

HE'S LIKE,"OH, THEY'RE GONNA LOVE THIS."

"THIS IS SOMEOF MY BEST WORK YET.

"LOOK AT THIS THING.

I CAN'T DO ANY BETTERTHAN THAT."

LITTLE BABY JESUS IS LIKE,"YEAH, DADDY, YEAH!

LOOK AT MY TING-TING!"

[laughing]

AND GOD WAS LIKE,"CALM DOWN.

JESUS CHRIST."

AND LITTLE BABY JESUS IS LIKE,"WHAT IS THAT FOR, DADDY?

THAT'S AWESOME.WHAT IS THAT FOR?"

AND GOD WAS LIKE,

"I GOT TO MAKE SURETHAT THEY, UH,

"CONTINUE TO MAKE LIFEON EARTH.

"LOOK AT THIS THING.

"THEY'RE GONNAWANT TO MAKE BABIES.

I CAN'T DO ANY BETTERTHAN THIS."

"I'M GONNA PUTTHAT ONE SPOT

"WAY BACK HERE.

"THEY'LL NEVER FIND IT.

AND WHEN THEY DO,SHE'LL SAY MY NAME."

"THAT'LL BE MY SPOT.WE'LL CALL IT THE G-SPOT."

[laughter and applause]

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