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Raising the Bar

Cartman finally admits he's fat and immediately gets a mobility scooter. (21:32)

- YOU FIND A GOODCATCHER'S MITT, CARTMAN?

- DUDE, HOW COME WHENWE PLAY BASEBALL

I ALWAYS HAVE TO BETHE CATCHER?

- WELL, BECAUSE YOU'VE GOTGOOD COORDINATION,

SHARP REFLEXES,AND YOU'RE FUCKING FAT.

- I'M NOT FAT, KYLE.

- RIGHT, YOU'RE NOT FAT.

- DUDE, I'M NOT FAT.

I DON'T DRIVE AROUNDON A MOBILITY SCOOTER

LIKE THAT BITCH.

- WHOA, DUDE.

- JESUS CHRIST, YOU CAN'TEVEN WALK DOWN AN AISLE

TO BUY YOUR CANDY?

- EXCUSE ME.

EXCUSE ME.

- SEE WHAT I MEAN?

YOU CAN'T EVEN WALK AROUNDA WALLMART ANYMORE

WITHOUT GETTING RUN OVERBY SOME FAT DICK ON A RASCAL!

- WHY DO THEY EVEN ALLOWTHOSE THINGS IN STORES?

- THEY DON'T JUST ALLOW THEM.

THEY HAVE THEM AVAILABLEAT THE FRONT.

- YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME.

- OH, MY GOD!YOU GUYS, LOOK AT THIS!

CANDY CORN OREOS--OREOSWITH CANDY CORN FILLING.

HOLY HELL, YES.

- ARE YOU SERIOUS?

LOOK AROUND, DOESN'T THISBOTHER YOU AT ALL?

THAT'S YOU ONE DAY, FAT ASS.

NOT EVEN ONE DAY!

IF YOU DON'T CHANGE SOMETHING,THAT'S YOU IN ABOUT A YEAR!

[wistful music plays]

- ARE THOSE CANDY CORN OREOS?

- YEAH, YEAH.HERE YOU GO.

HEY, KYLE.COULD I COME IN FOR A SECOND?

- WHY?

- I'VE BEEN DOINGA LOT OF THINKING,

ABOUT WHAT YOU SAIDAT WALLMART.

YOU'RE RIGHT, KYLE.I'M FAT.

ALL THESE YEARSYOU TELLING ME

AND ME SAYING'NO, I'M BIG-BONED'

OR 'NO, THAT'S JUST MUSCLE',

IT WAS ALWAYS JUST MELIVING IN DENIAL.

I'M FUCKING FAT, KYLE.

I'M FUCKING FATAS FUCKING FUCK.

- CARTMAN, ALL I WAS TRYING TOTELL YOU AT WALLMART WAS THAT--

- NO, IT'S OKAY, KYLE.

BECAUSE I'M NOT GONNALIVE LIKE SOME SLUG

WHO CAN'T EVENLEAVE HIS HOUSE

BECAUSE HE CAN'T GET AROUND.

NOW THAT I CAN ADMIT I'M FAT,

I'VE DECIDED TO FINALLYDO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

SWEEEEET!

- OH, NO!

- DON'T KNOW WHAT TOOK MESO LONG, DUDE.

ALL I NEEDED WASA FEW EXTRA POUNDS,

AND THE INSURANCE COMPANYPAID FOR MY OWN PRIVATE ONE.

SEE, IT'S GOT A BASKETON THE FRONT

FOR MY CANDY CORN OREOS!

- YOU DON'T NEED THAT!GET OFF OF IT!

- DUDE, IT'S SWEET.

DID YOU KNOWTHEY MAKE ACCESS

FOR MOBILITY SCOOTERSEVERYWHERE?

I CAN SERIOUSLY GOFROM MY BED TO WALLMART

AND NEVER HAVE TO TOUCHA FLOOR ONCE!

- THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT

BY DOING SOMETHINGABOUT IT, CARTMAN!

- HMM, I CAN'T--CAN'T SEEMTO GET INTO YOUR BATHROOM, KYLE.

- WHAT?

- YEAH, NO, THIS ISA PROBLEM, KYLE.

YOU'VE GOT TO MAKEYOUR BATHROOM ACCESSIBLE

FOR MY MOBILITY SCOOTER

OR ELSE I WON'T BE ABLETO TAKE A SHIT IN YOUR HOUSE.

- SO TAKE A SHITSOMEWHERE ELSE!

- THAT'S NOT THE WAYTHIS COUNTRY WORKS, KYLE.

YOUR BATHROOMHAS TO BE TO CODE

FOR MY MOBILITY SCOOTER.

IT'S THE LAW.

- WHAT'S GOING ON DOWN HERE?

- CAN'T SEEM TO BE ABLETO TAKE A DUMP IN YOUR HOUSE,

MR. BROFLOVSKI.

DOESN'T APPEAR TO BEHANDICAP ACCESSIBLE.

I'LL LOOK PAST IT THIS TIME,

BUT YOU BETTER GETTHAT BATHROOM UP TO CODE

IF YOU DON'T WANT A LAWSUIT.

WELL, I'M OFF TO GO TRY AND TAKEA SHIT AT BEST BUY, GUYS.

SEE YA, KYLE!

TO LIVE WITH OBESITY.

OUT OF THE WAY.OUT OF THE WAY, PLEASE.

WHEREVER YOU GO,YOU'RE TREATED DIFFERENTLY.

- UH, I GUESS TAKE THATBIG BOOTH BY THE WINDOW.

- YOU'RE MADE TO FEEL DIFFERENT.

TO FEEL LIKE LESS OF A PERSON.

I FEEL SO MUCH SHAME.

ALL I CAN DO IS TRY TO MAKEMYSELF FEEL A LITTLE BETTER

BY FLYING TO DISNEYLANDON THE WEEKENDS.

- OKAY, WE'RE FINALLY GOING TOSTART WITH PREBOARDING

ANYONE NEEDINGSPECIAL ASSISTANCE

GETTING ON THE AIRCRAFT--

OH!- COMING THROUGH.

OH, HOW HUMILIATING.

BUT EVEN AT DISNEYLAND,I GET REMINDED OF MY WEIGHT.

EXCUSE ME, GOTTA GOTO THE FRONT OF THE LINE.

OH, WHAT SHAME I FEEL.

OH, GEEZ, LOOK HOW FAT I AM.

I AM JUST MORTIFIED, YOU GUYS.

CAN'T BELIEVE I--AY!WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?

THERE'S A WAITFOR THE RASCAL LINE?

HEY, HEY THAT KID IN THE MIDDLEISN'T EVEN FAT.

LOOK AT HIM!

HE'S GOT NO RIGHT TO BEON A RASCAL!

YOU'RE NOT FOOLING ANYBODY,ASSHOLE!

WALK TO THE BACK OF THE LINE!

- I DON'T HAVE LEGS.

- YEAH, WELL,YOU GOT SKINNY ARMS.

AND THEN EVEN DISNEYLAND CAN'TTAKE AWAY THE SHAME,

AS ALL THE PEOPLESUFFERING FROM OBESITY

ARE IGNORED,LIKE WE'RE INVISIBLE.

EXCUSE ME. MOVE IT.

AND SO TO GO THROUGH ALL THAT,YOUR HONOR.

TO GO THROUGH ALL THE SHAMEAND DAILY RIDICULE

AND THEN NOT BE ABLE TO TAKEA SIMPLE SHIT AT BEST BUY--

AT BEST BUY--I'M SORRY.

TO BE TOLD BY SOMEBEST BUY MANAGER

THAT YOUR MOBILITY SCOOTERCAN'T FIT IN HIS BATHROOM--

[blows nose]

OH, GOD, EXCUSE ME.

IT'S JUST SO BELITTLING,YOU KNOW?

ALL I WANTED TO DO WASTAKE A DUMP, YOUR HONOR.

AFTER ALL I'VE BEEN THROUGH,

CAN'T I JUST TAKE A DUMPAT BEST BUY?

CLAIM THEY HAVE NOWHERE TO POO.

PROPERTY OWNERSARE BEING ORDERED

TO MODIFY THEIR BATHROOMS,COSTING TAXPAYERS MILLIONS.

OPPONENTS OF THE MEASURE AREEXPRESSING THEIR OUTRAGE

BY ENGAGING IN THE ACTOF RASCAL TIPPING.

- STOP IT, YOU KIDS!

STOP--

STOP![kids laughing]

WEEEEEE!WEEEEEEEEE!

- THE GOVERNMENT WARNS

THAT RASCAL TIPPINGCAN BE DANGEROUS

AND MAY LEAD TO FAT PEOPLESHITTING THEIR PANTS

AS THEY KICK AND SCREAMON THE FLOOR.

TO COUNTER THE CRISIS,THE DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH

HAS CALLED FOR $25 MILLIONIN AID

SO THAT ALL MOBILITY SCOOTERS

CAN BE FITTED WITHA TIP ASSIST DEVICE.

- OH, YEAH. NICE.

YEAH, THAT WORKS PRETTY WELL.

- YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!

- WHAT, KYLE?

- WE SHOULD NOT BEWASTING TIME AND MONEY

MAKING SURE CARTMAN'SFAT SCOOTER

CAN'T BE TIPPED OVER!

- YOU CONDONE RASCAL TIPPING,KYLE?

DO YOU KNOW THATALL OVER OUR COUNTRY

PEOPLE ON MOBILITY SCOOTERSARE BEING VICTIMIZED?

- SO GET OFF YOUR FUCKINGSCOOTERS AND PICK THEM UP!

- OH! OHHH!DID YOU HEAR HIM?!

THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT ADELE ISTALKING ABOUT!

OUR CULTURECELEBRATES ANOREXIA

AND TRIES TO MAKE US ASHAMED

IF WE DON'T HAVESLIM STOMACHS

AND PERKY LITTLE TITSLIKE KYLE!

WELL, I FOR ONE, AM GOINGTO STOP FEELING ASHAMED

JUST BECAUSE KYLE THROWS UPIN THE BATHROOM SIX TIMES A DAY

TO MAKE SURE HE LOOKS GOODON HIS MAGAZINE COVERS!

YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OFYOURSELF, KYLE,

EATING YOUR LATKESAND GAFILTE FISH

AND THEN PUTTING YOUR FINGERSDOWN YOUR THROAT

BECAUSE SOCIETY TELLS YOUHOW TO LOOK!

I'M NOT FEELING SHAME ANYMORE!

FROM NOW ON I AM GOINGTO SHOP SITTING DOWN

AND SKIP TO THE FRONT OF LINESWITH MY HEAD HELD HIGH!

JUST BECAUSE SOMEONENEEDS A MOBILITY SCOOTER

DOESN'T MEAN THEY'RE AN IGNORANTPIECE OF WHITE TRASH, KYLE!

I MAY BE FAT,BUT I'M NOT HONEY BOO BOO!

- WHO'S HONEY BOO BOO?

- DUDE, YOU'VE NEVER SEEN HONEY BOO BOO?

I'M FAT AS A WHALE,

AND I DON'T GIVETWO SHITS, GIRL!

- HER FAVORITE FOODS ARESKETTI AND BUTTER.

AND SHE LIKES DRINKIN' RED BULLAND MOUNTAIN DEW.

- I'M ONLY SIX,

AND I'VE ALREADY HAD THREEHEART ATTACKS, GIRLFRIEND!

- COME ON!

COME ON NOW, BOO BOO!

NOW GET UP AND WAVETO THEM JUDGES!

WE AIN'T GOT NO SHAMEABOUT OUR WEIGHT

'CAUSE OUR WEIGHTMAKES US SASSY.

- JESUS, DUDE.

WHAT'S HAPPENED?

IT'S LIKE SOMETHING'SLOWERED THE BAR

TO THE POINT THAT NOBODYFEELS ANY SHAME ANYMORE.

- WELL, DUDE,IT'S NOT LIKE THE BAR

IS THIS ACTUAL,PHYSICAL THING.

- THIS IS IT.

THROTTLE DOWN!- THROTTLE DOWN!

- MR. CAMERON, YOU DON'THAVE TO DO THIS.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO BACKTO YOUR HOUSE IN MALIBU?

GO WORK ON ANOTHER MOVIE.

- I HAVE TO DO THIS.

I HAVE TO TRY AND RAISE IT.

- THE BAR ISN'T SOMETHING THATACTUALLY LOWERS, MR. CAMERON.

- THEN HOW DO YOU EXPLAINALL THE FAT PEOPLE

ON MOBILITY SCOOTERS?

HOW DO YOU ACCOUNTFOR...HONEY BOO BOO?

THE BAR HAS BEEN LOWEREDTO DEPTHS WE CAN'T EVEN FATHOM.

IF ANYONE CAN GO DOWN THEREAND RAISE IT BACK, IT'S ME.

LET HER GO!

- UV LIGHTS ON.PRESSURE SYSTEM IS NORMAL.

MUSIC: ON.

- ♪ HIS NAME IS JAMES,JAMES CAMERON! ♪

♪ THE BRAVEST PIONEER!

♪ NO BUDGET TOO STEEP.NO SEA TOO DEEP-- ♪

♪ - WHO'S THAT?

♪ - IT'S HIM, JAMES CAMERON!

- SYSTEMS ARE NORMAL.

YOU GUYS HEARINGTHE SONG OKAY UP THERE?

♪ JAMES, JAMES CAMERON!EXPLORER OF THE SEA... ♪

- YES, JAMES,WE HEAR THE SONG.

- DESCENDINGTO 1,000 FEET.

I DON'T SEE THE BAR YET.

LOOKS LIKE IT MUST HAVE SUNKPRETTY LOW.

- ♪ WITH A DYING THIRSTTO BE THE FIRST ♪

- COULD IT BE?! YEAH, IT'S HIM!- ♪ JAMES CAMERON!

- COME ON!HURRY IT UP IN THERE!

- OH, YEAH, THAT'S GOOD.

THAT'S ACCESSIBLE NOW.

COOL, LEMME TRY AND TAKEA SHIT IN THIS REAL QUICK.

- THIS HAS GONE FAR ENOUGH!

HOW CAN WE MAKE PEOPLESEE THE DIFFERENCE

BETWEEN BEINGSENSITIVE TO OBESITY

AND LETTING FAT PEOPLEWALK ALL OVER US?

- YEAH, WHAT WE NEED

IS SOMETHINGTO RAISE AWARENESS.

- YEAH, WE GOTTA RAISEPEOPLE'S AWARENESS.

- SOMETHING LIKE A DOCUMENTARY.

YOU KNOW, FOLLOW CARTMAN AROUNDWITH A VIDEO CAMERA

AND THEN GET ALL HIS BULLSHITON TELEVISION.

- YEAH! A--A DOCUMENTARY?

- AT LEAST THEN WE'D BEVOICING OUR CONCERNS.

I MEAN IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT,WE SHOULD FEEL SOME SHAME

FOR JUST COMPLAINING ABOUT ITAND NOT DOING ANYTHING.

- YEAH, I GUESS YOU'REKIND OF RIGHT.

- HEY, TELL YOU WHAT.

IF YOU WANNA FOLLOW CARTMANAROUND AND GET VIDEO OF HIM,

I'LL PAY TO MAKE ITINTO A DOCUMENTARY

AND GET IT ON THE AIR.

- REALLY? THANKS, DUDE!

I'M GONNA GO GET A VIDEO CAMERA!

- HEY, TOKEN.

IF YOU'RE GONNA HAVE KYLEVIDEO THAT STUFF FOR YOU,

YOU SHOULD PROBABLYTELL HIM THE TRUTH.

- HE DOESN'T NEEDTO KNOW THE TRUTH.

KYLE WILL GET WHAT HE WANTSAND SO WILL I.

- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WE HAVEAN EPIDEMIC IN OUR COUNTRY.

OBESITY IS COSTINGTAXPAYERS MILLIONS

AND SOME ARE TAKING ADVANTAGEOF A SYSTEM THAT IS FLAWED.

OVER THE PAST SEVERAL DAYSI HAVE FILMED ONE SUCH CASE,

AND THE SHOCKING VIDEO HAS BEENEDITED BY MY PARTNER, TOKEN.

IT IS OUR HOPETHAT THIS FILM

WILL CAST LIGHTON A SERIOUS ISSUE.

- ♪ TOKEN BLAAAAACKPRODUCTIONS ♪

- HE'S CHUBBY!

HE'S FILTHY![burps]

AND HE'S A LITTLE BIT NUTS.

HEEERE HE IS,AMERICA'S NEW SWEETHEART,

FATTY DOO DOO!

- FATTY DOO DOO?

- ♪ WHO'S THAT SCOOTIN'ON A SCOOTER ♪

♪ FATTY DOO DOO

♪ WHO'S GOT DOO DOOLIKE A FATTY ♪

♪ SCOOT-DEE DOO

- WHAT?

- ♪ NOBODY SCOOTS A FATTY DOOLIKE YOU DO ♪

♪ SCATTY FOO FOO

♪ PATTY POO POO

♪ WHITE PRESIDENTBLACK PRESIDENT ♪

♪ I DON'T CARE

♪ JUST SCOOT ME UP SOME DOO DOOAND I'LL BE RIGHT THERE ♪

[laughter]

♪ I ONLY KNOW FIVE CHORDS

- COME IN.

- WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?

- I'VE HELPED YOU MAKEA DOCUMENTARY, KYLE.

- WHEN WE SAID DOCUMENTARYI THOUGHT WE MEANT 60 MINUTES!

NOT HONEY BOO BOO!

- KYLE, KYLE, I'M TRYING TO MAKECOMPELLING TELEVISION.

- YOU GOT RANDY NEWMANTO DO THE THEME SONG.

YOU'RE NOT TRYING THAT HARD.

TOKEN, YOU'RE A GOOD KID.

HOW CAN YOU SIT THEREAND COLLECT MONEY ON A SHOW

THAT'S ABOUT A FAT CHILDKILLING HIMSELF?

WHERE IS YOUR SENSE OF SHAME?

- I CAN REMEMBER EXACTLYWHERE I WAS

THE FIRST TIME I SAW HONEY BOO BOO.

I COULDN'T BELIEVEWHAT I WAS SEEING--

A SHAMEFUL, FAT FAMILYEATING WHITE TRASH FOOD

TO THEIR DEATHS.

AND THEN I SAW WHAT NETWORKIT WAS ON--THE LEARNING CHANNEL.

IF THEY CAN FEEL OKAYABOUT THAT, WHY CAN'T I?

- WHEN THE BAR GETS LOWERED,TOKEN, WE ALL PAY THE PRICE.

WHAT IF HONEY BOO BOOWAS A LITTLE BLACK GIRL,

BEING FATTENED UPBY HER MOM

AND TALKING ABOUTGRITS AND HOMINY?

- BUT SHE'S NOT BLACK, KYLE.SHE'S WHITE.

THE BAR IS DETERMINEDBY SOCIETY, KYLE.

AND IT'S NOT SOMETHING THAT CANJUST BE RAISED UP.

NOT BY US OR ANYONE ELSE.

- YES, WE SEE, MR. CAMERON.

- THIS IS WHERE THE BAR WASJUST A FEW YEARS AGO.

IT WAS LOWERED HERE,

WHEN PRESIDENT CLINTON GOTA BLOWJOB IN THE OVAL OFFICE,

AND SUDDENLY MEN WHO WERE JUSTGETTING BLOWJOBS IN ALLEYWAYS

THOUGHT THEY WEREN'TALL THAT BAD.

BUT CLEARLY SOMETHING ELSEHAS LOWERED THE BAR EVEN MORE!

I MUST GO DEEPER!

WE'RE IN THE PIPE--FIVE BY FIVE.

- I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

I MEAN, I HATE CARTMANWITH ALL MY HEART,

BUT I CAN'T HELP FEELING ASHAMEDFOR TAKING ADVANTAGE OF HIM.

BUT SHOULD I FEEL SHAME?

WHATEVER LOWERED THE BAR,IT'S NOT MY FAULT.

SO IF I KIND OF GO WITH IT,

IS IT REALLYUNFAIR TO CARTMAN?

- I GUESS NOT.

BUT WHAT IS IT, EXACTLY,YOU'RE TRYING TO DO?

- JUST, YOU KNOW, MAKESOME MONEY OFF HIM.

LIKE HONEY BOO BOO.

- DUDE! DUDE, NOT COOL.

- WHAT?

- HAVEN'T YOU HEARDWHAT HAPPENED?

HONEY BOO BOO'S HEARTGAVE OUT.

- WHAT? OH, MY GOD.

- YEAH, DUDE,IT'S REALLY SERIOUS.

NEEDS A HEART TRANSPLANT.

THEY'RE GONNA DO A SURGERYAND PUT A PIG HEART IN HER,

SO WE'RE GOING TO THE RANCHTO PICK OUT A HOG.

- I'M GETTIN' A PIG HEARRRRRT!

- IF HONEY BOO BOO IS GONNADO PAGEANTS WITH A PIG HEART,

WE WANNA PICK A HOGTHAT HAS PIZZAZZ

AND KNOWS HOW TO WORK IT, GIRL.

- I WANT THAT ONE!

- THIS'N HERE?!YOU WANT THIS'N?!

- YEAH!

NAW WAIT!

THAT PIG OVER THEREGAVE ME THE EVIL EYE!

I WANT THAT ONE!I WANT THAT ONE!

- THIS'N?!

THIS'N RIGHT CHEER?!YOU 'ANT THIS'N?!

- I WANT THAT ONE'S HEART.IT LOOKED AT ME FUNNY!

- WE'VE BEEN IN THE O.R.ABOUT TWO HOURS ALREADY.

I JUST HOPE WHENSHE DOES HER PAGEANTS

THE JUDGES DON'TTAKE AWAY POINTS

'CAUSE SHE'S GOT A PIG HEART.

HONEY BOO BOO!

HONEY BOO BOO!

- WHAT?!

- WHAT YOU GONNATELL THEM JUDGES

IF THEY ASK YOUABOUT YOUR HEART?!

- I'M GONNA TELL EM 'MY HEARTIS SWEETER THAN BACON, CHILD!'

- WHO WANTS SKETTI AND BUTTER?

[pig grunting]

SHE'S GOT A PIG HEART.

NOW SHE THINKSSHE'S A PACHYDERM.

- OINK! OINK! OINK!OINK! OINK!

- SHOW EM' YER SCAR!

- THIS' MY SCAR 'CAUSEI GOT A PIG HEART!

MY SCAR MAKES ME SASSY,CHILD!

[smooch]

I AM NOW AT 16,000 FEET.

YOU SHOULD SEE THE COLDDARKNESS OF IT ALL.

THE ISOLATION AND YET AWEOF THE SEA'S MAGNITUDE.

I HAVE NOW SUNK DEEPER THANANY HUMAN HAS EVER BEEN BEFORE!

- ♪ WAY OUT HEREIN THE OCEAN DEPTHS ♪

♪ GOING DEEP, DEEP, DEEP

OH, HEY, JAMES CAMERON!

- WHAT THE FUCK?

- ♪ I'VE BEEN DIVIN' IN THE DEEPAND I'M FEELIN' SO CHEAP ♪

- YOU SON OF A BITCH, NEWMAN!

HOW DID YOU BEAT MEDOWN HERE?

- I DON'T WANT ANYONERAISING THE BAR

'CAUSE NOBODY'LL HIRE ME.

♪ DEEP DEEP DEEPIN THE OCEAN ♪

OOH, COME ON.FIGHT ME, CAMERON.

- ALRIGHT, YOU SON OF A BITCH.I'LL TAKE YOU TO HELL!

- IT IS A VIOLATIONOF MY CIVIL RIGHTS, TOKEN,

AND YOU SHOULD BEASHAMED OF YOURSELF!

- I'M SORRY, TOKEN.I HAD TO TELL HIM.

HIS LIFE IS IN DANGER.

- MAKING MONEY OFF OFPEOPLE'S HANDICAPS!

WELL, TOKEN, I WOULD LIKE YOUTO MEET MY LAWYER!

AS SOON AS HE GETS IN HERE,

HE WILL BE HANDING YOUA CEASE AND DESIST ORDER.

THAT SHOW IS NOT GOING TO AIR!

- IT ACTUALLY AIRED LAST NIGHT.

- YOU FOUND A NETWORK TO BUY IT?

- YEAH, BUT DON'T WORRY.IT DIDN'T DO SO GOOD.

WE GOT KILLED IN THE RATINGSBY HONEY BOO BOO.

- WHAT?! THAT LITTLE BITCHBEAT ME IN THE RATINGS?!

OH HELLLLLL NO!

- WELL, IT WAS ONLYOUR FIRST SHOW OF THE SEASON,

SO YOU REALLY CAN'T--

- I DON'T GIVE A SHIT, DUDE!NOBODY BEATS MY RATINGS!

GET ME A PLANE TICKET!THAT BITCH IS GOING DOWN!

- WE WELCOME YOU

TO THE FIRST LADY'SSYMPOSIUM ON OBESITY.

WITH YOUR KEYNOTE SPEAKER,MICHELLE OBAMA.

[applause]

- OUR COUNTRY IS IN THE MIDSTOF AN EPIDEMIC.

RECENTLY A VERY BIG CONFLICTWAS BROUGHT TO MY ATTENTION,

A CONFLICT THAT ILLUSTRATES,WITHOUT A DOUBT,

WHAT SHOULD BE OUR NATION'SNUMBER ONE PRIORITY.

WHAT WILL WE DO AS A COUNTRY?

I CANNOT GIVE YOUANY EASY ANSWERS.

BUT WHAT I CAN GIVE YOU ISWHAT WE'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!

HONEY BOO BOOVS. FATTY POO POO!

[corner bell clangs]

- YOU'RE GOING DOWN, BITCH!NOBODY TAKES MY RATINGS!

- THAT'S GOOD, FATTY!GET PISSED!

- I AM PISSED!

- YEAH, FATTY!

- YEAH, I AM FAT AND I'M PISSED!

- AIN'T NOBODY CAN BEATMY BOO BOO AT SKETTI WRESTLING!

- LET'S DO THIS!

[cheering]

- OOOH!

OOOHHH!

- AGH AGH! AY!

[pig squealing]

- FUCK!

- [squealing]

[cheers and applause]

- I AIN'T DONE WITH YOU, BITCH.

- YEAH! TIP ASSIST!

- I HOPE SO.

- S.S. CAMERON!

THIS IS JAMES CAMERON!I'VE FOUND IT!

MY GOD, I'VE FOUND THE BAR!

DIVERT ALL POWER TO SUBSYSTEMS!

TWO PERCENT OXYGEN LEFT!THE BAR IS TOO HEAVY!

AHHHH!

COME ON, YOU BITCH!

- I'LL BE DAMNED.

[cheers and applause]

- DUDE, YOU OKAY?

- I'VE BEEN THINKING, HOW DIDSHAMELESSNESS GET TO THIS?

DID IT START WITH FAT PEOPLEON SCOOTERS?

OR DID THE BAR GET LOWEREDWAY BEFORE THAT?

AND THEN I STARTED THINKINGMAYBE IT WAS US.

I DON'T KNOW,BUT MAYBE SOMEHOW

WE LOWERED THE BARA LONG TIME AGO.

AND NOW WE'RE ALL SITTIN' HEREIN THE STINK OF IT ALL.

THERE'S NO GOING BACK, STAN.

- IT'S LIKE I CAN'T EXPLAIN IT.

I JUST SUDDENLY FEELLIKE THIS ISN'T RIGHT.

- I DON'T KNOW WHY WE WEREWATCHING THAT GARBAGE

IN THE FIRST PLACE.

- HUH?

- MRS. OBAMA? MA'AM? YOU OKAY?

- SOMETHING'S WRONG.

THIS--THIS IS ALL WRONG.

STOP! EVERYONE!

WHAT ARE WE DOING?

HOW CAN YOU LET THIS HAPPENTO YOUR DAUGHTER?

- I DON'T KNOW.

HOW DID I LET MYSELF GOLIKE THIS?

WHAT HAVE I DONE?

- WHEN DID WE DEVOLVE

INTO WATCHING FAT KIDSSKETTI WRESTLING?

- WE NEED TO REALIZE OBESITYIS AN EPIDEMIC.

BUT IT'S NOT A DISEASE.

FROM NOW ON, I AM GOINGTO DEDICATE THIS ADMINISTRATION

TO FIGHTING CHILDHOOD OBESITY!

- OH, YOU FUCKING BITCH!

- WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

- I DON'T KNOW.

I THINK WE'VE BEENGIVEN ANOTHER CHANCE.

- MR. CAMERON,WE CAN'T BELIEVE IT!

- WE'RE DONE HERE.

SET COURSE FOR THE SETOF AVATAR 2.

- MR. CAMERON, PEOPLE SHOULDKNOW HOW YOU SAVED US ALL.

HOW YOU RAISED THE BAR.

HOW WILL THEY KNOWWHAT A HERO YOU ARE?

JAMES CAMERON DOESN'T DOWHAT JAMES CAMERON DOES

FOR JAMES CAMERON.

JAMES CAMERON DOES WHATJAMES CAMERON DOES

BECAUSE JAMES CAMERONIS...JAMES CAMERON.

[applause]

♪ HIS NAME IS JAMES--JAMES CAMERON ♪

♪ THE BRAVEST PIONEER

♪ NO BUDGET TOO STEEPNO SEA TOO DEEP ♪

- WHO'S THAT? IT'S HIM!♪ JAMES CAMERON

- HONEY BOO BOO.