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Real Movies & Wu-Tang Financial

Dave takes a realistic look at "Pretty Woman" and "The Matrix" and introduces the Wu-Tang Clan's new financial consulting firm. (18:24)

WHY IN THE MOVIES IS THE BLACKGUY THE FIRST GUY KILLED ?

THAT HAPPY NIGGATHAT'S IN THAT MOVIE WHERE

HE HEALS ALL WHITE PEOPLE,THE BIG BLACK RUNAWAY.

HE WAS THROUGHOUTTHE WHOLE MOVIE.

HE ONLY GOT KILLEDAT THE END...

WHICH I HATED,I HATED THAT MOVIE

'CAUSE I HATED HIM,AND I HATED EVERYBODY

THAT WROTE THAT MOVIE.

BLACK PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS WORRIEDABOUT, LIKE IN BARBERSHOP.

THEY BETTER BE WORRIED ABOUTWHAT THEY SAY IN WHITE FILMS.

WHITE FILMS GOALL OVER THE WORLD.

'CAUSE I REMEMBER THE GODFATHER,

AND I WON'T FORGET THE--

WHEN THEY HAD THE DRUGSCENE AND THEY SAID,

"WELL, WE DON'T DO THAT,SELL IT TO THE NIGGERS."

THEY SHOULDA HAD SOMETHIN'TO SAY ABOUT THAT.

ARE YOURCAMERAS STILL ON ?

BLACK PEOPLE WANNAGO TO BLACK DENTISTS,

AND DO BLACK PEOPLE WANNAGET BURIED BY BLACK...

UNDERTAKERS ?

THAT'S FUNNY,STEPHEN KING.

HE ALMOST SAID, "NIGGER,"I READ BETWEEN 'EM.

I ALWAYS THOUGHTDENTISTS WERE DENTISTS.

I WASN'T INTO BLACK ANDWHITE DENTISTS, PLEASE.

IF THEY CAN FIX THE TEETH, COOL.IF THEY CAN'T, THAT'S COOL, TOO.

THAT'S KIND OFA WEIRD QUESTION,

AND COMING FROM STEPHEN KING,THAT WAS VERY STRANGE.

HAVING A HORROR MAN COME ON ANDASK A QUESTION ABOUT A NIGGER.

THAT WAS ALREADY SCARY.

I WROTE A SCRIPTFOR STEPHEN KING.

I HAVE A STEPHEN KINGHORROR MOVIE...

NIGGER WITH A BRAIN.

WE'LL SEE HOW THATSCARE PEOPLE.

NIGGERS IN SCHOOL,HOW 'BOUT THAT, STEPHEN ?

( narrator )1983, HISTORIC APPLECRUMBY'S,

THE SETTING FOR YET ANOTHERCLASSIC STAND-OFF BETWEEN

SWORN RIVALS,

JUST THE SORT OF STAND-OFFTHAT CREATES CLASSIC

HOOK-UP MOMENTS.

BOBBY HUTCHINSONHAD SPENT THE NIGHT

TRYING TO RUSH HIS WAYTO PAY DIRT, GINA MORRIS.

BOTH PRIOR ATTEMPTSBY BOBBY WERE STUFFED

BY THE TOUGH DEFENSIVE LINETHAT MORRIS TRAVELED WITH,

LEFT GUARD, CAROL DEITRICH,

AND RIGHT GUARD,DENISHA "BEAR" BRYANT,

A TANDEM THAT HAD RACKED UP 14COCK BLOCKS JUST A YEAR EARLIER.

WITH THE DEFENSEMOMENTARILY SIDELINED,

BOBBY STRUCK QUICKLY,APPROACHING THE COVETED MORRIS

AND WINNING HER OVER WITHONE OF HIS HYSTERICAL

VIDEO GAME REFERENCES.

YOU GIVE MEPAC-MAN FEVER.

( gobbling )

WITH THE DEFENSE RETURNINGAND TIME RUNNING OUT,

BOBBY WENT INTOHIS HURRY-UP OFFENSE.

SLOWLY BUT SURELY, HUTCHINSONWORE DOWN THE DEFENSIVE LINE

WITH SHOTS UP THE GUT.

WITH TIME RUNNING OUT,

HUTCHINSON WENT FORTHE GAME-WINNING SCORE.

GINA, WHY DON'T YOUJUST COME HOME WITH ME ?

NO, WE PROMISED EACH OTHERWE'D ALL LEAVE HERE TOGETHER.

HIS ATTEMPT WAS BLOCKED.

BUT HUTCHINSON RECOVEREDTHE BLOCK AND EXPLOITED

THE DEFENSE'SBIGGEST WEAKNESS.

YOU KNOW, I GOT SOMEPIZZAS AT THE CRIB.

ALL RIGHT.

PIZZA ?

I DON'T WANT NO PIZZA.

AND SOME WEED, TOO.

WEED ?A'IGHT, YEAH.

HUTCHINSON KNEWHE WAS HOME FREE.

VICTORY WAS ASSURED.

THAT NIGHT, BOBBY AND GINAHAD DRUNKEN SEX

ON TOP OF HER TWOPASSED-OUT FRIENDS,

TECHNICALLY MAKINGIT A FOUR-WAY.

BOBBY HUTCHINSON, YET ANOTHERGREAT PLAYER RESPONSIBLE

FOR A GREAT MOMENTIN HOOK-UP HISTORY.

GOOD EVENING,I'M CHUCK TAYLOR.

TONIGHT'S TOP STORY...

OUTRAGE THROUGHOUT THE COMMUNITYAS YET ANOTHER SEX SCANDAL

INVOLVING BOYSAND MEN OF AUTHORITY.

WHO IS IT THIS TIME,YOU ASK ?

JEDI KNIGHTS INA GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY.

MANY OF THEM ARE COMINGFORWARD WITH ALLEGATIONS

THAT THE JEDI MASTERSTHEY STUDIED UNDER

REPEATEDLY SEXUALLY MOLESTEDTHEM OVER A NUMBER OF YEARS

AND THAT THE JEDI COUNCILKNEW ABOUT IT ALL ALONG,

IN SOME CASES,ENCOURAGING THE ABUSE.

TO CLARIFY, JEDI KNIGHTSLIKE YOUNG LUKE SKYWALKER

BEING SEXUALLY ABUSED BY JEDISLIKE OBI-WAN KENOBI.

OKAY, WE'RE GETTING WORDTHAT COUNCIL LEADER YODA

IS HAVING A PRESS CONFERENCERIGHT NOW AT SKYWALKER RANCH.

WE GO THERE NOW.

( reporters shouting )

YOU.

YODA, ISN'T IT TRUE YOU KNEWOF THESE ABUSES IN 1977 ?

KNOW ABOUT SEX WITH BOYS,YODA DID NOT.

TIRED YODA IS.

RESIGNHE WILL.

( shouting )

YOU, YOU.

YODA, THEN HOW DO EXPLAINTHE RECENTLY UNCOVERED TAPE

THAT SEEMS TO IMPLICATEYOU IN THE COVER-UP

OF JEDI BOY TOUCHING ?

YODA THAT WAS NOT.

THEN WHO WAS IT ?

MICKEY ROONEY, MAYBE ?

OVER THISINTERVIEW IS.

CAN WE ROLL THE FOOTAGEOF THAT TAPE IN QUESTION ?

APPALLING YODA'SBEHAVIOR WAS.

DAMN IT !

NOW THAT FREAK HAS METALKING LIKE HIM.

OKAY, I'M BEING TOLD NOW THATMACE WINDAU, YODA'S REPLACEMENT,

IS NOW AT THE PODIUM.

WE GO LIVE.

I WOULD JUST LIKE TO SAY THATTHIS COUNCIL HAS ZERO TOLERANCE

FOR ANY SEXUAL DEVIANCYREGARDING OUR JEDI KNIGHTS.

( shouting )

QUESTION HERE.

MACE, DO YOU FEELTHAT THE JEDIS

WHO COMMITTED THESE KINDOF CRIMES DESERVE TO DIE ?

YES, THEY DESERVE TO DIE,AND I HOPE THEY BURN IN HELL !

STRONG WORDSFROM MR. WINDAU.

NEWS CENTER 3 HAS BEEN COVERINGTHIS STORY FOR SOME TIME,

AND EARLIER TODAY, I CAUGHTUP WITH THE FORMER JEDI KNIGHT

WHO FIRST MADETHESE ALLEGATIONS.

MY MASTER SAID THE FORCEWAS STRONG IN ME...

AND GAVE MEA WINE COOLER.

THEN HE MADE ME WEARA BLINDFOLD

AND REACHINTO HIS PANTS TO...

"LOOK FOR THE FORCE."

ARE YOU SIGHING, OR ARE YOUJUST... BREATHING NORMALLY ?

I DON'T EVENKNOW ANYMORE !

SON, I KNOW THIS ISDIFFICULT FOR YOU, BUT...

COULD YOU SHOW ME ON THE DOLLWHERE HE TOUCHED YOU ?

POINT IT OUT.

( breathing heavily )

CAN WE CUT TAPE ?

MIGUEL, YOU HEARD THE MAN.

CUT THE GODDAMN TAPE !JUST CUT IT !

I WAS JUST YOUNGAND CURIOUS.

( sobbing )

WE MAY NEVER KNOWWHAT REALLY HAPPENED, BUT...

PEOPLE ON THE STREETHAVE BEEN REACTING

TO THIS NEWS ALL DAY.

THIS NEVER WOULD'VE HAPPENEDIN THE WORLD OF STAR TREK

'CAUSE THE FLEET COMMANDERSWOULD NOT HAVE ALLOWED...

YOU CAN'T PROVE THAT !

( screaming )

A SIMPLE STATEMENT OF PROTESTFROM AN ANGRY YOUNG GEEK.

WHEN WE COME BACK...

GAY DROID MARRIAGE,SHOULD IT BE LEGALIZED ?

THIS QUEER COUPLESAYS YES.

WHERE JULIA ROBERTSPLAYS A PROSTITUTE

THAT LUCKS UP ANDMEETS A MILLIONAIRE,

AND THEY FALL IN LOVE ?

WELL, LET'S SEE WHAT WOULDHAPPEN IN THE REAL VERSION

OF PRETTY WOMAN.

I WORKED AT A COUPLEOF FAST-FOOD PLACES.

PARKED CARSAT WRESTLING.

I COULDN'T PAY THE RENT.

AND I WAS TOOASHAMED TO GO HOME.

THAT'S WHEN I MET KIT.

SHE WAS A HOOKER ANDMADE IT SOUND SO GREAT.

OKAY.

YOU'VE GOTTA GETTHE FUCK OUTTA HERE.

( phone ringing )

HELLO ?

( man )Hello, Neo, do youknow who this is ?

MORPHEUS ?

Yes, I've beenlooking for you, Neo.

I don't know if you're readyto see what I want to show you,

but, unfortunately, youand I have run out of time.

They're comingfor you, Neo,

and I don't know whatthey're going to do.

WHO'S COMING FOR ME ?

Stand up andsee for yourself.

I can guide youout of there,

but you must doexactly as I say.

OKAY.

The cubicle acrossfrom you is empty.

Go, now !

Stay there.

When I tell you,go to the end of the hall.

Stay as lowas you can.

Now.

( farting )

There is a black man sitting ata desk directly to your right.

Look at him.

MORPHEUS ?

PSYCHE !

IT'S EARL, NIGGA,I NEED YOUR STAPLER.

I CAN'T FIND MINE.

HELLO, DUMB-DUMB,DO YOU KNOW WHO THIS IS ?

( laughing )

DUDE, YOU TOTALLY GOT ME.

WHOA...

( laughing )

IS THE FINANCIAL SECURITYAND WELL-BEING OF YOUR FAMILY.

YOU WANNA SEND YOUR LITTLEONES TO THE BEST SCHOOLS,

AND IN THE END,

KNOW THAT YOU'VE LEFTTHEM WITH PEACE OF MIND.

NOWADAYS WE ALL KNOW THAT CASHRULES EVERYTHING AROUND US:

CREAM, GET THE MONEY,DOLLAR-DOLLAR BILL, Y'ALL.

THAT'S WHY IT'S TIME TO ENTERTHE 36 CHAMBERS.

COME STEP TO THE "WU", WU-TANG FINANCIAL.

AT WU-TANG FINANCIAL,WE'LL WORK WITH YOU

TO DEVISE THE BEST PLANFOR YOU AND YOUR FAM.

I MEAN, SMITH BARNEY--

BUNCH OF BITCHES.

OLD-TIME FARTS.

YOU GOTTA KNOW HOWTO JACK THIS SHIT.

YOU GOTTA PLAYTHIS GAME ROUGH.

IN, OUT, GET,GRAB, BONK.

YOU NEED TO DIVERSIFYYOUR BONDS, NIGGA.

MILITARY SHITIS BLOWIN' UP.

WE ABOUT TO GO TO WAR,INVEST IN SOME NUCLEAR BOMBS.

THIS AIN'T TRADING PLACES, NIGGA.

THIS IS REALFUCKING LIFE !

PROTECT YOUR GODDAMNNECK, A'IGHT ?

WU-TANG FINANCIAL, A PLACE FOR YOU AND YOUR KIDS.

ALL OF OUR TRUSTED CONSULTANTSARE HERE TO MEET YOUR NEEDS.

UNFORTUNATELY, THE OL' DIRTYBASTARD COULDN'T MAKE IT TODAY,

BUT HE SENDS HIS REGARDS:DOO-DA-DOO-DA-DOO-DA.

SO CALL US,

BECAUSE AT THE ENDOF THE DAY,

WU-TANG CLAN AIN'TNOTHIN' TO FUCK WITH.

♪ WU-TANG CLAN AIN'TNOTHIN' TO FUCK WITH ♪

♪ WU-TANG CLANAIN'T NOTHIN' TO FUCK WITH ♪

♪ WU-TANG CLAN AIN'TNOTHIN' TO FUCK WITH ♪

♪ WU-TANG CLANAIN'T NOTHIN' TO FUCK WITH ♪♪

STEP TO THE "WU", WU-TANG FINANCIAL.

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