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Toy Company/Movie Theater

Nathan markets an unappealing children's toy, devises a way to shame people who share their movie snacks and pitches a reality show starring Simon the security guard. (21:13)

AND OF ALL THE PRODUCTSHE'S INVENTED,

ONE STANDS OUT ASTHE ABSOLUTE WORST.

THE "DOINKIT" IS A STRANGE BALLTHAT DOESN'T DO MUCH.

AND, UNFORTUNATELY FOR MARK,IT HASN'T BEEN

THE BIGGEST SELLER, EITHER.

- IT'S NOT ALL FUN--IT'S ALL FUN AND GAMES--

UNTIL NOBODY BUYS YOUR TOYS.[laughs]

- BUT AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED,THE QUALITY OF THE TOY

SHOULDN'T MATTER,WHEN YOU'RE SELLING TO KIDS.

SO I PAID MARK A VISIT,WITH A WAY TO GET

THOSE DOINKITS SOLD.

WHEN YOU'RE A KID,WHAT'S THE ONE THING YOU WANT,

MORE THAN ANYTHING?

- POWER.

- NO.TO NOT BE SEEN AS A BABY.

IT'S VERY EASYTO MARKET TO KIDS,

BECAUSE THEIR BRAINSARE SO SMALL.

SO RATHER THAN SELLING A BALL,MARK SHOULD BE SELLING

AN IDENTITY FOR CHILDREN.THAT IDENTITY?

THAT OWNING A DOINKITIS THE ONLY WAY TO PROVE

YOU'RE NOT A BABY.

- NO. [laughs] NO.

- THIS IS MARKETING 101.

- A--ACCORDING TO YOU.

- WELL, THAT'S WHATSELLS PRODUCTS.

- FANTASTIC! FANTASTIC.I AM SO EXCITED.

- AM I SENSING SOME SARCASM?

- YES.

- MARK WASN'T CONVINCED,AND SAID THERE WAS ONLY

ONE THING THAT COULDWIN HIM OVER.

- CASH. MONEY.

- I NEEDED TO SHOWTHAT THIS WOULD BE PROFITABLE.

SO LATER THAT WEEK,I ARRANGED A FOCUS GROUP

TO SEE IF MY MARKETING APPROACHWOULD WORK WITH ACTUAL CHILDREN.

WHEN I SHOW THIS TO YOU,WHAT DO YOU THINK?

DO YOU WANT IT?- NOPE.

- NAH.- NO.

- WHY?

- DUMB.- IT'S DUMB?

- YEAH.

- OKAY, UH, HOLD ON A SECOND,GUYS.

I JUST GOT A CALL.

HELLO?

OH, YES SIR.REALLY?

OH MY GOD, YEAH,I'LL LET THEM KNOW.

SORRY, GUYS.THAT WAS THE PRESIDENT CALLING.

AND HE JUST TOLD METHAT OWNING THIS TOY

IS NOW THE ONLY PROOFYOU'RE NOT A BABY.

WELL, I MEAN, I HAVE ONE.

SO THAT'S GOOD.ARE YOU GUYS BABIES? OR...

- NOPE.- NAH.

- WELL YOU DON'T HAVE THE TOY,SO YOU MUST BE A BABY.

UNLESS YOU HAVE IT,THEN YOU'RE NOT.

OH, OKAY, SO NOW...YOU TWO AREN'T BABIES,

BUT ARE YOU A BABY?

ARE YOU A BABY?- NO.

- WELL, YOU DON'T HAVE THE TOY.

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT KIDSTHAT DON'T HAVE THE TOY?

- MM, SAD.- WEIRD.

- SAD?- WEIRD.

- WHY?- BECAUSE THEY'RE A BABY.

- THE STRATEGY WORKEDEVEN BETTER THAN I HAD HOPED.

SO I REBRANDEDTHE TOY'S PACKAGING

AND BROUGHT IT TO MARK,TO SEE WHAT HE THOUGHT.

- IT'S HORRIBLE.

- I MEAN, WHAT SPECIFICALLY?

- UH, KID IN A DIAPER?WITH, UM,

CHILDREN POINTING AT HIM?

IF THIS IS THE BEST YOU'VE GOT,YOU'RE AWFUL.

- I MEAN,I'M PUTTING A LOT OF EFFORT

AND RESOURCES INTOTRYING TO SELL...

- WELL YOU'RE NOT...- IT'S LESS--

- YOU'RE NOT GOODAT WHAT YOU DO.

- UM, YOU'RE NOT GOODAT WHAT YOU DO.

- WORKING WITH MARKWAS ABOUT AS MUCH FUN

AS PLAYING WITH HIS TOYS.

BUT I WAS CONVINCEDI COULD WIN HIM OVER

IF I SHOWED HIM RESULTS.

SO I WROTE AND SHOTA PROFESSIONAL TV COMMERCIAL

FOR THE DOINKIT,THAT WAS GUARANTEED

TO GET KIDS TO BUY IT.

- IF YOU ARE BETWEEN THE AGESOF THREE AND EIGHT,

PLEASE LISTEN CLOSELY.

OWNING A DOINKITIS NOW THE ONLY PROOF

THAT YOU ARE NOT A BABY.

[baby crying]- IF YOU DON'T HAVE THIS TOY,

PEOPLE WILL THINKYOU WEAR DIAPERS,

AND CRY ALL THE TIME.[babies crying]

EVERYBODY WILL THINKYOU SLEEP IN A CRIB,

AND DRINK FROM A BOTTLE,IF YOU DON'T HAVE ONE OF THESE.

[children taunting]

AND WHENEVER YOU SPEAK,ALL PEOPLE WILL HEAR IS,

"GOO GOO, GA GA."[babies crying]

SO TELL YOUR MOM OR DADTO BUY YOU A DOINKIT.

BECAUSE OTHERWISE,AS FAR AS ANYONE'S CONCERNED,

YOU'RE A BABY.

OH, IT CAN ALSO BE USEDAS A TOY BALL.

- CUT. [claps]NICE.

IT WAS PERFECT.

BUT WHEN I TRIED TO BUY AD TIMEON A LOCAL STATION,

- YOU'RE LYING TO THE KIDS,AND SAYING THAT THEY'RE A BABY

IF THEY DON'T HAVE THIS TOY.

- THEY SAID A COMMERCIAL LIKETHIS WOULD NEVER MAKE IT ON TV.

AND THAT MEANT,I NEEDED A NEW APPROACH.

SO I CONVINCED A LOCAL TOY STORETO CARRY THE DOINKIT,

BY OFFERING TO PROVIDE THEMWITH A SANTA, FREE OF CHARGE,

FOR THE APPROACHINGHOLIDAY SEASON.

BUT WHAT THEY DIDN'T KNOW,IS THAT SANTA WAS MY OLD PAL,

JAMES BAILEY,WHO I COULD TRUST TO MAKE SURE

THAT EVERY KID WOULD BE ASKINGFOR A DOINKIT FOR CHRISTMAS.

AND WITH JAMES IN PLACE...- SANTA!

- IT WAS TIME TO SELLSOME DOINKITS.

- DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'D LIKETO HAVE FOR CHRISTMAS?

- UM, I WOULD REALLY WANTAN EVER AFTER HIGH DOLL.

- WHY? THAT--THAT--THAT TELLS METHAT YOU MUST BE A BABY.

ARE YOU A BABY?- NO.

- SEE ALL THESE PEOPLEMAKING FUN OF THE BOY?

SO, WE DON'T WANT PEOPLETO THINK THAT YOU'RE A BABY

AND THE ONLY WAYYOU CAN PROVE THAT,

IS IF YOU HAVE A DOINKIT TOY.- OKAY.

- THE PLAN WAS WORKING GREAT.

- I NEED THIS, SO...- YOU'RE GONNA GET THIS?

- ONE OF THE GIRLS THAT--AT MY SCHOOL, SHE'S MEAN TO ME.

- SHE'S MEAN TO YOU?OH, THAT'S NOT GOOD.

I WONDER IF THAT'S BECAUSESHE MIGHT THINK YOU'RE A BABY,

BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVEA DOINKIT.

[beep]

WELL, THAT MUST MEANYOU WEAR DIAPERS.

- NO, I DON'T WEAR DIAPERSANYMORE.

'CAUSE I DON'T WANNA BE A BABY,I SAID!

[beep, beep]

- JUST DOESN'T SEEMLIKE SOMETHING SANTA SHOULD

BE SAYING, THAT KIDSARE GONNA LOOK LIKE BABIES.

- WELL THAT'S,THAT'S YOUR OPINION.

- DESPITE A COUPLEUPTIGHT PARENTS,

THE DOINKIT WASTHE TOP-SELLING TOY OF THE DAY.

BUT WHEN I WENT BACK TO MARKWITH THE GOOD NEWS,

HE STILL DIDN'T GET IT.

- THAT WAS HORRIBLE ADVICEAND AWFUL GRAPHICS,

TERRIBLE DESIGN...- NO, BUT IT DID WORK.

- UNPROFESSIONAL...- OKAY.

- YOU NEVER PROVEDTHAT IT WORKED.

- WE DID GET SALES.

IN LIFE, NOT EVERYONEWILL SEE YOUR VISION.

BUT IT'S IMPORTANT TO ALWAYSTAKE THE HIGH ROAD.

AND SOMETIMES THE BEST WAYTO BRIGHTEN SPIRITS,

IS WITH A GIFT.

- [laughs]

- THIS IS YOU.

BUT THE BIGGESTDIFFERENCE BETWEEN

ME AND MARK,IS THAT WHEN I PLAY WITH TOYS,

I WIN.- "HI, I'M MARKY.

I'M AN IDIOT BUSINESS MANWITH A SMALL DICK.

I HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCHI HURT OTHER PEOPLE'S FEELINGS.

AND I'M THE LAUGHINGSTOCKOF MY INDUSTRY."

AND SIMON AND INERVOUSLY WAITED

IN THE LOBBYFOR OUR MEETING.

BEFORE GETTING INTO THE PITCH,IT MIGHT BE GOOD TO START OFF

WITH, YOU KNOW,SOME HOLLYWOOD CHITCHAT, OR...

- RIGHT.- MAKE 'EM AWARE THAT YOU--

YOU KNOW--YOU KNOW THE INDUSTRY.- YEAH. A LITTLE SMALL TALK.

- YEAH.- YEAH, OKAY.

- WITH SIMON PREPPED,WE MET WITH REALITY TV PRODUCER

BRANT PINVIDICTO SEE IF WE COULD LAND A DEAL

FOR OUR NEW REALITY SHOW.

- DO YOU REMEMBER THAT MOVIE CAPTAIN PHILLIPS?

- I DO.

- YEAH, I HEARD THAT THE, UH,SOMALI ACTOR WHO PLAYED THE, UH,

WHO PLAYED THE PARTOF ONE OF THE PIRATES,

I HEARD THAT HE'S ALMOST BROKE--BROKE RIGHT NOW, SO...

- TOUGH.- YEAH.

- TOUGH BUSINESS.- YEAH, IT IS.

- IT'S NOT ALL GLAMOUR.

- AFTER SIMON ESTABLISHEDHIS INDUSTRY CRED,

WE CUED UP OUR SHOWFOR BRANT.

HERE WE GO.

- "MY NAME IS SIMON KELLOGG,

[gun shots]

AND I'MA PROFESSIONAL SECURITY GUARD.

MY JOB REQUIRES CONSTANT FOCUS,AND SPLIT-SECOND RESPONSE TIME.

[sound of alarm]

NOTHING CAN KEEP MEFROM FOCUSING ON MY DUTY,

EXCEPT FOR ONE THING...

A CRIPPLING OBSESSIONWITH LARGE BREASTS.

THIS IS MY STORY.

THIS IS SIMON SEES."

EVERY MORNING, I WAKE UPABOUT 7:00 a.m. OR 7:15 a.m.,

AND THEN I USUALLY HAVEA GLASS OF WATER

THAT I PUT ON THE BEDSIDE TABLETHE NIGHT BEFORE.

THEN I MAKE MY BED,

AND THEN I GO INTO THE BATHROOMAND I, UH, SHAVE,

BRUSH MY TEETH,AND TAKE A SHOWER.

NEXT, I COME BACKINTO MY BEDROOM, AND,

IF IT'S A WORK DAY,I PUT ON MY SECURITY UNIFORM.

UH, USUALLY MY SOCKS FIRST,AND THEN MY PANTS,

AND THEN MY UNDERSHIRT,AND THEN MY SECURITY SHIRT.

I USUALLY DON'T DO UP MY PANTSUNTIL I HAVE MY SHIRTS ON,

BECAUSE IT'S EASIER TO TUCKMY SHIRTS IN,

AFTER I'VE HAD MY PANTS ON.

THEN I GO INTO MY KITCHEN,AND I USUALLY HAVE, UH,

BREAKFAST, AND SOMETIMESA CUP OF COFFEE.

TODAY, FOR BREAKFAST,I MADE A HOT POCKET SANDWICH,

BECAUSE IT TASTED BETTERTHAN EATING CEREAL.

THEN THE MICROWAVE SOUNDED,AND I KNEW MY HOT POCKETS

WAS DONE, SO I TOOK IT OUTOF THE MICROWAVE.

MY TRICK IS TO TAKE, UH,THE FIRST BITE, AND THEN

OPEN THE SANDWICH A LITTLE BIT,AND THEN I BLOW ON THE INSIDE,

UH, TO COOL IT DOWN.

AND THEN AFTER I FINISHED

EATING THE HOT POCKET SANDWICH,I, UH, RINSED OFF MY PLATE,

AND PUT IT ON THE DISH DRAINER.

THEN I LEAVE THE HOUSEAND GO TO WORK.

TODAY I WAS ASSIGNED TO WORKAT A JEWELRY STORE

IN CHATSWORTH.

I ALWAYS TRY TO BE HONESTABOUT THINGS,

SO WHENEVER I START A NEW JOB,I ALWAYS TRY TO LET THE OWNER

KNOW ABOUT ME,SO THERE WILL BE NO SURPRISES.

THERE IS JUST ONE THING THATI THINK YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT...

UM, SOMETIMES I GET DISTRACTEDBY WOMEN WITH BIG CHESTS,

UM, YOU KNOW, I MIGHT BELOOKING AT THEM, OR SOMETHING,

BUT I, I--I--I--

- OKAY, THIS IS SOMETHINGWE REALLY DON'T NEED TO DISCUSS,

I BELIEVE.- OKAY.

AFTER I BRIEFED HIM, I GOT IN TOMY POSITION AND STARTED WORKING.

I LIKE TO STAND BY THE DOOR,SO I CAN SEE EVERYBODY

WHO'S COMING IN, AND WATCHFOR ANY SUSPICIOUS PEOPLE.

I NOTICED THAT THERE WASA FEMALE EMPLOYEE,

UH, SHE WAS ASIAN, AND IN HER--IN HER EARLY TO MID 30S.

BUT SHE WAS NOT A DISTRACTION,BECAUSE SHE DID NOT

HAVE LARGE BREASTS.

THEN,ABOUT 20 OR 30 MINUTES LATER,

I HEARD THE DOOR OPEN,AND I SAW A CUSTOMER WALK IN.

AND I NOTICED IT WAS A WOMANWITH LARGE BREASTS.

IF A ROBBERY HAPPENED THEN,I WOULD PROBA--PROBABLY

BE SO DISTRACTED BY THE WOMAN,THAT I WOULD PROBABLY

NOT EVEN NOTICE IT.

WHILE THE WOMANWAS IN THE STORE,

I JUST KEPT THINKING ABOUTALL THE THINGS

I'D LIKE TO DO WITH HER.

HOW I'D LIKE TOGET NAKED WITH HER,

AND START TO, UH,START TO HOLD HER BREASTS,

AND, UH, MASSAGE THEM.AND THEN, UM, TO USE MY HANDS

AND TRY TO UH, TRY TO ROCK THEM.

AND, UH, MASSAGE THEM.

- THAT'S SUPER, SUPER PRETTY.I REALLY LIKE THAT.

- WELL, WHEN I GET INTOTHIS STATE, TIME STANDS STILL

OR IT KINDA LIKE, SLOWS DOWN,UH, UH, TO A--

TO AN ALMOST-STOPPING POINT.

I MEAN, I HAVE A LITTLE BITOF A SENSE OF TIME.

I KNOW THAT TIME IS MOVING,BUT IT'S MOVING

VERY, VERY SLOWLY.

WHEN SHE LEFT,I OPENED THE DOOR FOR HER,

AND SAID,"GOOD-BYE, HAVE A NICE DAY."

THANK YOU, HAVE A GOOD DAY.- YOU TOO, THANK YOU.

- IT ALLOWS ME TO GETONE LAST GLANCE

A--A--AT HER, AS SHE LEAVES.

I THINK THEY WERE PROBABLY"D" OR DOUBLE "D."

AFTER, WHEN THERE WASA BREAK IN THE CUSTOMERS,

I FELT THE NEED TO GO TOMY EMPLOYER AND

EXPLAIN MY SITUATION TO HIM.

UM, I DON'T KNOWIF YOU'RE AWARE OF THIS,

BUT A LITTLE WHILE AGO,A YOUNG WOMAN CAME IN

WHO HAD A VERY BIG CHEST,

AND, UM, I COULDN'T HELP BUTLOOK AT HER, AND I--

I GOT A LITTLE DISTRACTED,I DON'T KNOW IF YOU...

- UM, I DON'T KNOWTHAT THIS SHOULD BE SOMETHING

THAT WE KEEP BRINGING UP, SIMON.

I'M JUST CONCERNEDWHY YOU KEEP BRINGING IT UP.

I DON'T THINK IT'S NECESSARYTO TALK ABOUT IT,

AS LONG AS YOU CAN DO YOUR JOB.

- OKAY.- OKAY?

- WELL I PROMISE I WON'T LETMYSELF GET DISTRACTED AGAIN.

- OKAY.- OKAY.

I THINK THE EXPERIENCECHANGED ME FOR THE BETTER,

BECAUSE IT HELPED MEREALIZE THAT

IT WAS PRETTY EMBARRASSING TO TALK ABOUT THAT,

SO, UM, NEXT TIME

I PROBABLY WON'T TELL MY BOSSABOUT BEING DISTRACTED AT WORK

BY WOMEN WITH LARGE BREASTS.

- [chuckles]

- UH, UH LISTEN. IT'S WELL SHOT,IT'S WELL PUT TOGETHER,

UM, THE IDEA THATYOU CAN'T DO YOUR JOB

WITH LARGE BREASTSFLOATING AROUND

IS A FUNNY HOOK.- YEAH.

- UH, THE BIGGEST LIMITATION,OF COURSE, IS THAT

THERE'S NOWHERE TO SELL IT.

- WELL,I THINK THAT A LOT OF PEOPLE--

NOT JUST SECURITY GUARDS,A LOT OF MEN--

WHEN THEY WATCH THIS,THEY WOULD PROBABLY FEEL

A LITTLE LESS...- RIGHT.

- LIKE IT WAS A PERVERSION,AND MORE OF A NATURAL THING,

YOU KNOW? YEAH.- RIGHT.

- RIGHT, SO IT'S HUMANIZING IT.- YEAH. IN YOUR CURRENT FORM,

I'M GONNA HAVE TO SAY NO,I'M SORRY. IT'S A PASS.

- AND PASS MEANS THAT...- NO.

- RIGHT.

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