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Extended - Thursday, January 29, 2015 - Uncensored

  • 01/29/2015
  • Views: 11,711

Matt Walsh and the Sklar Brothers write Craigslist ads for blizzard sex buddies, list #NerdierSports and learn about dowdy dads' fashion on this extended, uncensored episode. (33:09)

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)THERE ARE CERTAIN

ACCOMPLISHMENTS THAT INSPIRENATIONS BECAUSE THEY SHOW US

WHAT WE ARE CAPABLE OF AS ASPECIES.

THE MOON LANDING, GERTRUDEEDERLE SWIMMING THE ENGLISH

CHANNEL.

AND NOW AN ACCOMPLISHMENT FORMODERN TIMES-- A GUY WHO TOOK A

BUNCH OF PICTURES OF HIMSELF.

UH, NFL STAR PATRICK PETERSONSET THE GUINNESS WORLD RECORD

FOR MOST SELFIES IN AN HOUR.

TAKE A LOOK.

THERE HE IS TAKING 1,449SELFIES, WHICH IS ONLY THREE

MORE THAN YOUR EX-GIRLFRIENDTOOK AT BONNAROO.

>> AAH.

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)>> HARDWICK: COMEDIANS, WHAT'S

ANOTHER SOCIAL MEDIA-BASEDRECORD YOU WOULD LIKE TO BREAK?

MATT WALSH?

>> I'D GO FOR FUNNIEST GUY ONLINKEDIN.

>> THERE AREN'T MANY.

>> HARDWICK: YES.

>> I COULD WIN THAT.

>> HARDWICK: YOU COULD TOTALLYWIN THAT.

>> I COULD WIN THAT, RIGHT?

>> HARDWICK: YEAH. POINTS.

>> HANDS DOWN.

>> HARDWICK: JAY?

>> I'D GO FOR WORLD'S FIRSTPOSITIVE YOUTUBE COMMENT.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)I LIKED THE VIDEO.

I LIKED IT.

>> HARDWICK: YUP.

>> I LIKED THAT VIDEO.

>> HARDWICK: THEY'RE NOT ALLNEGATIVE.

EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE, SOMEONEGOES, "HEY, GUYS, JESUS IS LORD,

SO..."

>> THAT'S RIGHT.

AND THEN THE ONE RIGHT BELOW IT.

"NO, HE'S NOT.

HE'S AN ASSHOLE."

>> HARDWICK: RIGHT. YEAH. YEAH.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S MOVE ON.

AS THE EAST COAST WAS BURIED INSNOW THIS WEEK, THE INTERNET

RESPONDED, AS IT IS WANT TO DO,USING IT AS AN EXCUSE TO ARRANGE

ANONYMOUS SEX.

>> YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: CRAIGSLIST...

CRAIGSLIST HAS BEEN INUNDATEDWITH POSTS LOOKING FOR BLIZZARD

HOOK-UPS.

TO CLARIFY, THAT IS SEXUALINTERCOURSE DURING AN EXTREME

WEATHER EVENT, NOT A MILKSHAKEWITH GUMMY BEARS, OR A...

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)...OR A WORLD OF WARCRAFT CIRCLE

JERK.

UH...

(LAUGHTER)THIS LEAD TO AWESOME

PROPOSITIONS LIKE THIS.

"ANYONE STUCK IN THEIR APARTMENTAND BATTLING WITH SOME PENT-UP

SNOW-RELATIED HORNINESS?"SMILEY EMOTICON.

SNOW-RELATED HORNINESS?

>> OH.

>> YEAH.

>> MM... NO.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: ANYONE FEEL LIKE

CATCHING SOME MORE WHITE STUFFON THEIR TONGUE?

(LAUGHTER & GROANING, APPLAUSE)>> OH.

>> HARDWICK: WHAT? THAT DOESN'TMEAN...

THAT COULD BE ANYTHING.

>> BY THE WAY?

>> HARDWICK: WHAT?

>> NO TWO DROPS ARE ALIKE.

(MUMBLES)(LAUGHTER)

>> RIGHT?

>> GOOD POINT.

>> HARDWICK: 100 POINTS FORRANDY.

UH, THE INUIT HAVE 400 WORDS FORHORNINESS.

THAT'S-THAT'S MAYBE A REAL FACT.

>> YES.

>> HARDWICK: UH, THEY ALSO HAVEEROTIC, ENTICING PHOTOS LIKE

THIS ONE.

>> AAH!

>> OH!

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)>> HARDWICK: LET'S SEE.

SCANNING PHOTO FOR RED FLAGS.

NO, DON'T SEE ANY THERE.

EVERYTHING SEEMS TOTALLY NORMAL.

>> HIS PHONE IS ALMOST TOOTECHNOLOGICALLY ADVANCED.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

>> AND I DON'T WANT TO KNOWWHAT'S ON THAT COMFORTER RIGHT

NOW.

I DON'T EVEN WANT TO GET NEARTHAT THING.

>> HARDWICK: IT'S PROBABLY THIS.

>> OH!

>> HEY!

>> IT'S THE SLOBBER ON THE FACETHAT'S MOST DISTURBING.

>> HARDWICK: THE SLOBBER, YEAH,THE...

>> THE SLOBBER IS WHAT'S MOSTDISTURBING.

>> HARDWICK: THE SLOBBER AND THEWET MOUTH IS...

>> YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: ...IS REALLYDISTURBING.

>> YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: MAH.

(AUDIENCE GROANING)>> YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: MAH. MAH.

DON'T FUCK THAT GUY IN THE BUNNYSUIT, SEE?

(LAUGHTER)MAH! MAH!

HERE. HERE.

I'M THE INTERNET.

MAH. AAH.

EVERYTHING SUCKS.

STOP REMAKING THINGS.

AAH. AAH.

JUST TAILOR THINGS EXACTLY TOTHE WAY I WANT IT WHEN I WANT

IT.

MAH.

MAH. VIDEO GAMES.

>> YEAH.

>> YEAH.

>> THAT'S...

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)>> HARDWICK: NO.

>> THE INTERNET.

>> COME... COME OVER IN ABLIZZARD.

LET'S MAKE ONE OF THOSE.

THAT'S WHAT I ALWAYS SAY.

>> HARDWICK: AND THEN, THISDEMANDING DUDE WHO ONLY WANTS

SOMEONE WITH, QUOTE, "A STRONGWI-FI CONNECTION, THEIR OWN

NETFLIX ACCOUNT, AND THEIR OWNCHARGING CORDS.

I WILL NOT BE SHARING MINE."

(LAUGHTER)WAIT. WAIT.

AND OF COURSE... AND OF COURSE,BITCHES GOT TO BRING THEIR OWN

CHEESE.

>> CHEESE. YEAH.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

COMEDIANS, PLEASE TAKE A PAGEFROM THIS GUY'S BOOK.

WHAT DEMANDS WOULD YOU MAKE OFYOUR BLIZZARD HOOK-UP?

MATT WALSH?

>> UH, BOOTS OFF AT THE DOOR,MUST LOVE "PRETTY LITTLE LIARS,"

NO FATTIES EXCEPT BLUNTS, AND...

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE & CHEERING)>> HARDWICK: THAT'S A LOT OF

DEMANDS.

>> AND, UH, CAN'T BE ALLERGIC TOPIGMY GOATS.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY, FINE.

YEAH, POINTS. RANDY.

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)>> UH, BETTER BRING YOUR OWN

SHOVEL, 'CAUSE YOU ABOUT TO GETPLOWED.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT. OH!

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)POINTS.

>> OH.

>> HARDWICK: MOVING ON. GORILLASARE A LOT LIKE CHRISTIAN BALE--

IF YOU GET IN THEIR EYE-LINE,THEY'LL BREAK YOUR FUCKIN' JAW.

(LAUGHTER)THIS HAPPENED A WHILE AGO, BUT

IT WAS ALL OVER REDDIT TODAY.

AFTER A VICIOUS ATTACK, A ZOO INTHE NETHERLANDS IS REQUIRING

VISITORS TO WEAR GLASSES THATFEATURE OFF-CENTER EYEBALLS...

(LAUGHTER)...SO AS NOT TO AGGRAVATE THE

GORILLAS.

UH, COMEDIANS...

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

...I'D LIKE YOU TO...

PUT ON... PUT ON YOUR OWNGLASSES. NOW...

(WHOOPING, APPLAUSE, LAUGHTER)(WHISTLING A TUNE)

(CONTINUES WHISTLING)NOW, I WOULD LIKE YOU TO TRY AND

TALK YOUR WAY OUT OF BEINGMAULED BY A GORILLA.

RANDY.

>> I'D SAY, "HEY, BUDDY, IBELIEVE IN EVOLUTION-- IT'S THAT

ASSHOLE OVER THERE."

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(APPLAUSE, WHOOPING)JASON.

>> LOOK, AS FAR AS I'MCONCERNED, YOU'RE THE MORE

EVOLVED VERSION OF US.

THAT'S HOW IT WORKS.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT,

EXCELLENT.

YOU'VE ALL BEEN SPARED.

>> EW, EW.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'SHASHTAG WARS.

(CHEERING)THIS WEEKEND IS THE SUPER BOWL,

THE BIGGEST TELEVISION EVENT INAMERICA...

>> SEAHAWKS!

>> HARDWICK: WHAT-WHAT?

>> GO SEAHAWKS.

>> HARDWICK: NO ONE GIVES ASHIT, REALLY.

NO ONE CARES.

(LAUGHTER, WHOOPING)NO ONE CARES.

NOW, I'VE COME TO REALIZE THEREIS A LARGE CONTIN...

I DO WANT TO SAY THIS OPENLY.

I WOULD LIKE TO PUBLICLYAPOLOGIZE TO NERDS.

I HAVE COME TO REALIZE IN MYLAST FEW YEARS, THERE IS A LARGE

CONTINGENCY OF NERDS THAT DOENJOY SPORTS BECAUSE OF ALL THE

FACTS AND FIGURES.

TWO OF THEM ARE RIGHT HERE, THESKLAR BROTHERS.

(CHEERING)SO I WAS WRONG.

I WAS BEING JUDGE-Y.

I STILL DON'T GET IT, BUT IRESPECT YOUR FLOW, BRO.

UH... NOTHING NERDS LOVE MORETHAN GETTING EMOTIONALLY

INVESTED IN A GAME.

IT'S SORT OF LIKE POKEMON, BUT,UH, BUT FOR...

BUT FAKE. UH...

(LAUGHTER)SO TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS:

NERDIERSPORTS.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE, UH, TONYDUNGY AND DRAGONS.

UH, STAR TREK AND FIELD. UM...

(LAUGHTER)BOBA RUTH, UH, WOULD BE ANOTHER

ONE.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK. AND BEGIN.

YES, JASON.

>> MIKE DEGRASSE TYSON.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

>> THAT GUY... THAT GUY WILLTALK YOUR EAR OFF ABOUT SCIENCE.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS. POINTS.

OKAY. RANDY.

>> UH, WOOKIE OF THE YEAR.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)MATT WALSH.

>> UH, SAN FRANCISCO SEVENSQUAREDS.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY, POINTS.

UH, YES, RANDY.

>> UH, KAREEM ABDUL-JA-GENIUSBAR.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY, POINTS.

(SHOUTS, APPLAUSE)UH... MATT.

>> LEBRON JAMES AND THE GIANTPEACH.

(LAUGHTER, WHOOPING)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

RANDY.

>> RG32D2.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

JAY.

>> THE NEW YORK YANKOVICS.

I KNOW YOU...

>> HARDWICK: HEY, NICE! POINTS.

JAY.

>> UH, GOLF. JUST GOLF.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS. POINTS.

MATT.

>> UH, SCHRODINGER'SNORTHWESTERN WILDCATS.

>> HARDWICK: OH!

NICE. YOU DON'T KNOW IF THEY'REIN OR OUT OF THE PLAYOFFS UNTIL

THEY'RE BEING OBSERVED.

>> YES.

>> HARDWICK: JAY.

>> UH, DOCTOR WHO'S ON FIRST?

THIRD BASE!

>> HARDWICK: PERFECT!

(CHEERING)PERFECT!

NOW IT'S TIME TOPLAY DADDY LIKEY.

(CHEERING)DADS-- TO SOME PEOPLE, HE'S THE

LOVING GUY WHO TAUGHT YOU HOW TORIDE A BIKE; TO OTHERS, HE'S

SOME DUDE WHO LIED TO YOUR MOMABOUT HAVING A VASECTOMY. UH...

(LAUGHTER)AN INSTAGRAM FEED CALLED

FASHIONDADS_ IS CHOCK-FULL OFCASUAL PICS OF DADS IN ALL THEIR

PATERNAL GLORY.

I'M GONNA SHOW YOU A PICTUREFROM THE FASHION DADS INSTAGRAM.

FOR 250 POINTS, I WANT YOU TOTELL ME WHAT THEY WERE SAYING AS

THE PICTURE WAS TAKEN.

ALL RIGHT? FIRST ONE...

THIS COZY CORPORATE SPONSOR.

(LAUGHTER)>> YES, RANDY.

>> HEY, WHERE THE HELL DID ALLMY BACK-OF-LEG HAIR GO?

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

UH, JASON.

>> THAT'S RIGHT, YOUR OLD DADUSED TO BE QUITE THE PUSSY

HOUND.

(LAUGHTER, WHOOPING)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

MATT.

>> DID I EVER TELL YOU HOW I WASDISHONORABLY DISCHARGED?

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(APPLAUSE, WHOOPING)NEXT ONE, THIS UPBEAT FREAK.

(LAUGHTER, GROANS)WHERE DID I PUT ALL THOSE TIES!

I LEFT THEM HERE SOMEWHERE.

WHERE ARE THEY!

WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING!

UH... LOOKS LIKE IT'S JUST YOUAND ME, JORTS.

(LAUGHTER)UH, WHO'S GOT A... YES, RANDY.

>> UM... CAROL...

DID YOU PLAY MY BAGPIPES?

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

SO IN YOUR INTERPRETATION, HE'SPASSIVE-AGGRESSIVELY MAD AT

CAROL.

>> OH, YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

>> THAT'S NOT A REAL SMILE.

>> SHE HAD NO RIGHT.

SHE HAD NO RIGHT TO GO IN THEREAND BLOW ON THOSE THINGS.

HOW DARE SHE!

>> HARDWICK: UH, JAY.

>> YUP, KIDS, EACH ONE OF THESETIES REPRESENTS A CONFIRMED

KILL.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(APPLAUSE, WHOOPING)>> DADDY'S GOT SKELETONS!

>> HARDWICK: MATT.

>> UH, METHINKS THESE SHORTSWILL HIGHLIGHT MY SIDEWAYS BONER

JUST FINE.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

>> I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW.

>> HARDWICK: CAROL, DID YOU SEEWHAT HAPPENED TO MY RED HAT,

SHIRT AND SHORTS?

(LAUGHTER)NEXT ONE, THESE TWO

TROUBLEMAKERS.

THESE TWO.

(LAUGHTER, GROANS)>> HARDWICK: AW... JAY.

>> UH, HAPPY 16TH BIRTHDAY, SON.

I BUILT YOU A GERMAN SEX ROBOT.

(LAUGHTER)(SHOUTS IN GERMAN)

>> HARDWICK: THE... THE QUESTIONIS, WHICH ONE?

>> I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T KNOW, THAT'S THE THING.

IT'S THE GERMAN ENGINEERING.

>> HARDWICK: EITHER/OR. RANDY.

>> ALL RIGHT, WHO'S READY TO GODO A MOUND OF COKE AND GO TO

DAVE & BUSTER'S?

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

(APPLAUSE)>> COOL, DAD!

>> HARDWICK: MATT.

>> SON, YOUR MOTHER AND I HAVESOMETHING TO TELL YOU.

(LAUGHTER)(WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

>> I THINK SHE'S THE MOM, RIGHT?

SHE'S THE MOM.

>> HARDWICK: AGAIN, WHICH ONE?

>> I THINK THE SHORTER ONE.

>> HARDWICK: YOU THINK THESHORTER ONE?

>> I WOULD HAVE FINISHED THATSENTENCE WITH: "WE ADOPTED MR.

LOIDERSTEIN."

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: I LIKE TO IMAGINE

THAT THEY'RE JUST AWKWARDLYCONJOINED TWINS.

>> CONJOINED THROUGH THE PLAIDSHIRT.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

(GERMAN ACCENT): WE ARECONJOINED, BUT I WAS BORN 13

YEARS EARLIER.

(LAUGHTER)IT WAS SO STRANGE.

>> (GERMAN ACCENT): I HAVE THEHEART AND HE HAS THE LUNGS.

>> WE ARE DEPENDENT.

(LAUGHTER)>> LONG LABOR.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, NEXTONE.

THIS TENTATIVE... THIS TENTATIVETREE HUGGER.

(LAUGHTER)YES, UH, RANDY.

>> THIS TREE REMINDS ME OF YOURMOTHER.

(LAUGHTER)QUIET, UNFORGIVING AND COVERED

IN ANTS.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

MATT.

>> I PULLED YOU OUT OF FIFTHGRADE, THE WOODS'LL BE YOUR

SCHOOL NOW.

>> HARDWICK: UH, JASON.

>> BARBARA, DOES THIS TREE COVERTHE PEE STAIN?

BECAUSE...

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

LAST ONE, THIS BOTTOM SHELFREADER.

(BELL DINGS)HMM, WHAT TO READ?

RANDY?

>> OH, I'M SORRY, I WAS JUSTKICKING BACK WITH A LITTLE MOBY

DICK, AND...

AND NO, I'M NOT TALKING ABOUTTHE BOOK.

I GOT SOMETHING IN THESE SHORTSHORTS THAT NO ONE CAN SHUSH.

YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

UH, JAY.

>> OH, JACK, PAINT ME LIKE ONEOF YOUR FRENCH DADS.

>> HARDWICK: THAT WAS FROM, UH,TIDADIC... NO, I DON'T KNOW.

UH, MATT.

>> UH, CAN YOU HELP ME FIND ABOOK ON TAXIDERMY?

I GOT A DAD BEAVER THAT NEEDSSTUFFING.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

ALL RIGHT, THAT'S THE END OFDADDY LIKEY.

UH, IT'S TIME FOR OUR...

IT'S SAD, YOU ARE ALL GONNA BETHAT SOMEDAY.

>> YEAH.

>> YUP.

>> YUP.

>> WE'RE ALREADY THAT, WE'REALREADY THAT.

>> WE'RE ALREADY THAT, RIGHTHERE.

>> I DON'T OWN THE SHORTS, IDON'T OWN THAT SHORTS.

>> HARDWICK: NOT ME, I DON'THAVE KIDS-- I'LL LOOK 29

FOREVER.

IT'S TIME FOR OUR NEXT GAME,LOCO-MERCIALS: SPORTZ EDITION.

>> OOH.

>> HARDWICK: HEY, KIDS, TAKE ITFROM ME, @MIDNIGHT MVP CHRIS

HARDWICK-- THE WORLD'S WORSTACTING COMES FROM SOME OF THE

WORLD'S BEST ATHLETES.

I'M... N... I'LL S... YOUR...

I'LL SHOW YOU, THE LOCAL VIEWER,COMMERCIALS FEATURING SPORTS

STARTS AND YOU HAVE TO GUESSWHICH PRODUCT THEY'RE MAKING FOR

THEIR PITCH.

>> READY.

>> HARDWICK: IT... LET...

L-LET'S PLAY BALL.

FIRST ONE.

UH, SUPER BOWL RUNNING BACKMARSHAWN LYNCH-- IS...

IS HE GOING BEAST MODE FOR LOCALPIZZA JOINT'S UNLIMITED TOPPING,

UH, "BEASTMODE-ZA" OR ASEATTLE-AREA PLUMBER THAT WANTS

YOU TO "QUIT FREAKIN'"?

(BELL DINGS)YES, RANDY.

>> I THINK HE'S GOING FOR ASEATTLE-AREA PLUMBER THAT WANTS

YOU TO QUIT FREAKIN'.

>> HARDWICK: UH, LET'S FIND OUT.

>> HERE'S THE PROBLEM RIGHTHERE-- WHAT'S NEXT?

>> I THINK WE'RE GONNA HAVE TOTAKE THE WHOLE TOILET OFF.

>> GOT IT. WHAT'S NEXT?

YOU'RE ALL GOOD HERE.

HEY, HEY, WAIT, WAIT.

STOP FREAKIN', CALL BEACON.

>> OH.

>> HEY.

>> GOOD JOB.

>> HEY, MAN.

HEY, HEY.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, JAY?

>> I'M JUST HERE SO I WON'T GETFINED, I'M JUST HERE...

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, THAT'S WHY.

>> ALTHOUGH IF HE'S HELPING HEROUT IN THE BATHROOM, WOULD HE BE

GOING YEAST MODE?

JUST A QUESTION, I DON'T KNOW.

>> ARE YOU ASKING OR TELLING US?

>> HEY, STOP FREAKIN'.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, NEXTONE-- THIS AD STARRING CHICAGO

BULLS ACTING GREAT SCOTTIEPIPPEN.

IS IT FOR MR. NICK'S NICK-O-TIMEBAIL BONDS OR MR...

(BELL DINGS)>> YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: MR. SUBMARINE'SSIX-FOOT PARTY SUBS, JASON.

>> UH, IT IS MR. SUBMARINE'SSIX-FOOT PARTY SUBS.

I'VE ACTUALLY SEEN THISCOMMERCIAL BEFORE.

>> HARDWICK: LET'S FIND OUT.

>> IT'S THE ROSETTA STONE OF BADSPORTS ACTING.

>> ♪ CHICAGO'S ORIGINALSUBMARINE, MR. SUBMARINE. ♪

>> THIS IS ONE SIX-FOOTER ICAN'T HANDLE ONE-ON-ONE.

LADIES, LET'S HAVE A PARTY.

>> ...SUB OR REGULAR SUB PILEDHIGH WITH YOUR FAVORITE MEATS

AND CHEESES.

>> FOR THE BEST-TASTING MEALAROUND, MR. SUBMARINE IS THE

REAL STUFF.

>> HE DUNKS THE SUB.

>> HARDWICK: YOU KNOW... SEE...

THAT WAS REALLY BAD.

>> THAT WAS CRAZY.

>> HARDWICK: AND THAT WAS THEBEST TAKE?

>> THAT WAS IT.

>> YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: NEXT ONE.

PITTSBURGH PENGUINS STAR MARIOLEMIEUX AND THIS TERRIFIED BOY.

ARE THEY PROMOTING MARIOLEMIEUX'S LIFE-SIZED POSTER

NIGHT OR MARIO LEMIEUX'S"CROSS-CHECK YOUR HOMEWORK"

CAMPAIGN?

(BELL DINGS)YES, MATT.

>> I GOT TO SAY POSTER,LIFE-SIZED POSTER NIGHT.

>> HARDWICK: LET'S FIND OUT.

>> IT'S MARIO LEMIEUX LIFE-SIZEDPOSTER NIGHT COMPLIMENTS OF

THRIFT DRUG.

>> OH, NO, NO, DON'T, OH, GOD.

>> ALL FANS 16 AND UNDER RECEIVEA LIFE-SIZED POSTER GROWTH CHART

FEATURING MARIO LEMIEUX.

>> OH, WHAT IS HAPPENING?

>> SATURDAY NIGHT, THE PENGUINSHOST MONTREAL.

>> OH, MY GOD, THAT'S, LIKE, ATHREAT... IT LOOKS LIKE A

THREAT, LIKE HE'S SHAKING HIMDOWN.

>> HARDWICK: NOT ONLYTHREATENING, BUT HOW INVASIVE OF

THAT KID'S PERSONAL SPACE?

>> OH, NO, NO, NO, NO.

I-I HAVE A SON AND I DON'T LOOKINTO HIS EYES THAT MUCH.

>> YEAH.

>> MY... I JUST GOT AN AMBERALERT ON MY PHONE, AND THAT

HAPPENED YEARS AGO.

>> FROM THE PAST?

>> HARDWICK: I FEEL LIKE...

I FEEL...

THAT KID IS, UH, HOPEFULLY JUSTGOTTEN OUT OF THERAPY.

>> YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: UH, OKAY, LAST ONE.

DOES YANKEE SLUGGER MICKEYMANTLE WANT TO SELL YOU

ATHLETE'S FOOT SPRAY ORSTRAWBERRY WINE COOLERS?

(BELL DINGS)MATT WALSH.

>> UH, I'M GONNA GO BOOZE,'CAUSE HE LIKED TO DRINK.

>> HARDWICK: UH, LET'S FIND OUT.

>> FOR THE FIRST ITCH YOU FEEL,YOU SPRAY ON NP27.

NP27 WILL KILL THAT ATHLETE'SFOOT FUNGUS AND HELP KEEP IT

FROM COMING BACK.

>> IT'S MARIO LEMIEUX'S FOOT.

>> BELIEVE ME, I'VE SEEN A WHOLELOT OF SCRATCHIN' GOING ON.

>> HARDWICK: I GOT TO SAY, OFALL THE ONES WE'VE SEEN BEFORE,

HE'S FUCKIN' DANIEL DAY-LEWIS.

>> YEAH.

>> YEAH.

>> HE'S VERY BELIEVABLE.

>> MY LEFT FOOT.

>> MY LEFT FOOT, BRILLIANT, THATWAS BRILLIANT.

>> UH, NO, I GOT NEWS FOR YOU--HE WAS SUCH AN ALCOHOLIC, HE

WOULD DRINK THAT SHIT, TOO, I'MTELLING YOU.

>> YEAH, THEY'D HAVE TO KNOCK ITOUT OF HIS HAND.

>> THEY'D BE, ALL RIGHT, MICKEY.

>> DON'T-DON'T DRINK IT.

>> ALL RIGHT, MICK, WE GOT IT,WE GOT IT.

HE'S LIKE, NO, MAN...

>> HARDWICK: GET THE FUCK OUT OFHERE, THIS IS MINE.

>> OH, NO, MICK, WE GOT IT.

>> HARDWICK: THIS ONE'S FOR THEMICK.

>> IT'S POISON, MAN, IT'SPOISON.

>> COME ON, MICK.

>> HARDWICK: HOLY SHIT.

I'M SO DRUNK I FEEL LIKE I'MSTANDING NEXT TO TWO GIANT FEET.

>> IT'LL GET TO MY FEETEVENTUALLY.

>> AH, MICKEY MANTLE.

OUR NEXT GAME, BAD HALFTIME

SHOWS.

BAD HALFTIME SHOWS.

>> REALLY COMPETITIVE.

>> GETTING TIGHT.

>> HARDWICK: MODERN POPSENSATION KATY PERRY-- SSS-- IS

SCHEDULED TO PERFORM WITH HUNGERGAMES STAR LENNY KRAVITZ-- EH--

UH, AT THIS WEEKEND'S SUPER BOWLHALFTIME SHOW, WHICH IS AN

APPROPRIATELY HUGE ACT FOR ACONCERT THE WHOLE COUNTRY WILL

BE WATCHING.

BUT, COMEDIANS, I WANT YOU TOCOME UP WITH AS MANY BAD

HALFTIME SHOW IDEAS AS YOU CAN.

LET'S PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND GO.

(BELL DINGS)RANDY.

>> JUSTIN BIEBER SINGS DARK SIDEOF THE MOON IN ITS ENTIRETY.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)JASON.

>> UH, THE COMEDY OF LENA DUNHAMAND PEANUT.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)MATT.

>> PRINCE... CHARLES OF WINDSOR.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)RANDY.

>> VANILLI.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)JAY.

>> TWO WORDS: SOLANGE KNOWLES.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)RANDY.

>> JUST 30 MINUTES OF TONYBENNETT TRYING TO PROGRAM HIS

VOICEMAIL ON HIS IPHONE 6.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY. ALL RIGHT.

OKAY. ALL RIGHT.

(BELL DINGS)RANDY.

>> A SIMPLE BETTY WHITE NIPSLIP.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

OH, SORRY, I'LL COVER THAT UP.

(BELL DINGS)MATT.

>> TONY N' TINA'S CATEREDCOMEDY HALFTIME SHOW.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

WHY-WHY NOT?

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