I was in Edinburgh, Scotland,
for a month last year,doing shows.
It was a fine time.
I said the whitest thingI've ever said in my life
Not anything terrible,but just white.
You know, sometimeshow you're hyper-aware
of, like,"Whoa, that was white."
Like, where youeven have to step back
after something comesout of your mouth,
like, "Ho-ho, mm."
"This tuna salad is pretty good,
but it could use a little bitmore mayonnaise, Barbara."
Thought you were morewell-rounded than that, dude.
Come on, man.
"A karaoke birthday partyon a Monday.
You're crazyfor this one, Timothy."
But then, once in a while,you just top yourself.
That's what happened to mein Edinburgh.
I think the exact phraseI used in Edinburgh, I was like,
"I can't believe this castledoesn't have wi-fi."
That was it.
It's not getting whiterthan that, dude.
You complainedabout brand-new white shit
inside of real old white shit.
You just made a honky turducken,is what you did.
I'm a conspiracy theorist,
but all my conspiraciesare so low-rent,
nobody else wantsto entertain them with me.
Like, I'll try and talkwith other conspiracy theorists,
but I'm like theRudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
of conspiracy theorists,just trying to chime in.
"Obviously,the mafia killed JFK,
because it'd be advantageousfor them."
I'm like, "I think Trader Joe'sparking lots
"are made too small on purposejust to make them seem
like they're more popularthan they really are."
"That proves nothing.
"Why are you even here, man?
"Anyway, obviously,the moon landing was fake
"just so we could gainmore funding for NASA,
"'cause it's reallyjust a military complex
that we're putting into space."
"I think that--excuse me.
"I think that the FDA
"is just making upexpiration dates on food,
"because they'rein bed with Kraft,
"just trying to get youto buy condiments
"when you don't really have to,
"because mayonnaisedoesn't get old.
"It just becomes Miracle Whip.
That's the miracle."
You know what that little extratang that you taste in there is?
You know what that is?
I live in this own alternatereality
that I've put togetherfor myself.
I live in this perceived realitythat I created,
because I moved to Californiayears ago.
And Californiais a magical place
where you get to pick outwhichever age you like the best,
and then you getto stay that age,
'cause everybody elseis doing it too.
No, it's great.
You just get out there, like,
What'd you like the best,Kyle, 19?
You're 19 forever.
Keep being 19, dude.
Keep doing it.
Keep wearing skateboard shoes.
You don't have to tell people
that you have orthopedic insertsin them
because you haveplantar fasciitis so bad
that you tip over in the morningtrying to take a piss.
You don't haveto tell anybody that.
So that's the land I live in.
It's just perceived reality.
And then it's destroyedby reality reality.
Like, I found out I had gout
the same daymy ghost hunting equipment
showed up from EBay.
Who goes to the doctor rightaway?
"There might be something wrong.
Let's just throw money at it."
Who has that?
How many Rockefellersare you hanging out with?
"Here's my money, tell me."
No, go online, sort it out.
So, I knew it was gonna be gout.
I knew I was gonnahave something.
And I went in with thatknowledge to the doctor.
I'm like, "I think I have gout,'cause this and this and this."
And my doctor's just like,"Yep."
I was like, no, do your job.
Don't agree with me.
I'm at your office.
I'm not a doctor.
You know what,I think if you can go online
and you figure outwhat you have
and you go to the doctorand you're right,
you don't have to pay a copay.
That should be the deal.
That should be the deal.
I think that's fair nowadays.
Like, I'm right,you give me 50 bucks.
That's how we do it.
But, so I went in,
and I was all panickedabout the gout.
I was freaking out.
I'm like, "Oh, my god,I've got a disease."
And I'm just beinga victim about it,
like, "Oh, god, I have a thing."
And even my doctor was like,"Stop being a baby.
"It's easily manageable.
"Lots of people have gout.
"You've got nothingto worry about.
"You can totally manage it.
"All you have to do,you just have to avoid,
like, beer and any foodyou might find at a barbecue."
Yeah, all I heard was,"You're gonna die."
That's what I heard.
I know she was sayingother words,
but all I heard was like,"You've met the shepherd
"that is going to guide youinto the great beyond, Kyle.
And that shepherd's nameis gout."
- This is an election year,
with real arguments that peopleare having out in the world.
And you want to knowthe real argument
I had three weeks ago?
Werewolves versus astrology.
That's the real argumentthat I had.
Pro-werewolf, anti-astrology,if you're curious.
Yeah, I'm sitting there like,
the moon isn't gonnadictate your mood.
The moon can't tell youhow you feel emotionally.
Even though, I mean,well, I guess,
the moon does dictate the tides,
because that's gravity,
and that's the effectit has on water,
and we're 70% water,
so, actually, might besome science to that.
But, no, I'm calling bullshiton that science.
But I do think that when thereis no shadow cast upon the moon,
a select few of us becomedog people that roam the plains.
That is what--I will ignoreall your science
and stand strictlyin a faith-based position.
Politically, I'm liberal.
I ignore all science and proof,and I go with my heart.
That's what I do;I go with my heart.
Here's the catch.
That wasn't even an argumentwith anybody.
I was by myself.
I got to a bar early.
My friends weren't there yet.
I'm like, well,I got files to short out.
Fuck it, cage match.
Sat there for 45 minuteswith a glass of scotch,
agreeing and disagreeingwith the empty space around me.
Just, "Hmm, hmm..."
Everybody in the place is like,
"Who is this guy doing a shitty
Robert De Niroimpersonation for?"