I just really like to say thatI want to be single forever...
in front of my married friends.
Because they hate that. Oh, mygod, they hate that so much.
There's always one of them whowill condescend to me about it.
He'll be like, "Come on, singleforever? You don't know that.
"You can't know that.
"You can't know that you'regonna want something forever."
I was like, "Oh, my god,that is an amazing point."
No, you're right!That would be stupid of me...
to say that I know I'm gonnawant something forever...
in my 20's.
God, the only thing thatI can think of thatmight be stupider...
would be spending $50,000 to sayin front of everyone I know--
If you're married and thatoffends you, I'm sorry.
Here's what I recommend.
Go home, hug your spouse, knowthat I will not be doing that...
because Netflixdoes not have arms.
Although, if they know theirclientele, they are workingon it, right?
Thank you, guys, so much.I'm Emily Heller.
There's a new Whole Foodsthat opened in Brooklynnear Park Slope in Gowanus
And they are obsessedwith like fitting into the local community...
so that people don't hate them,because they're a giantbusiness.
This is how much they wantto blend into Brooklyn.
They literally sell recordsand record players.
You know how you're like ah, Ineed some broccoli rabe and arecord player.
I'll go to Whole Foods.
And one of the things they'redoing is Brooklyn Whole Foodspartnering with local artists.
Oh, they're gonna displaythe paintings of local artistslike me.
But I brought my paintings.
So each one has a sortof locally themed titleand they're very pretty.
I just want them displayedat Whole Foods.
And I won't stop until I win.
So here are my paintings.
This one is called...
Gender-neutral child learningabout the conflict in Egypt.
This painting is curly-haired38-year-old with several gayfriends ordering kale.
This painting is six personalessay authors arguing aboutwho's childhood was worse.
This is couple under a treewishing they were bi-racial.
You can see it right nextto raspberries.
This is vegan on his wayto the complain store.
I would pay to have thisdisplayed.
Right by cabbage.
And then, mother breastfeedinga roof goat, becauseit's her right.
Thank you all very much.Goodnight.
I-- I try to suggestwherever I go...
that people tryto improve their manners.
It's something I tryand do every day.
As human beings, we,by our animal natures,we have terrible manners.
You know? Our deep down,underneath our socializing.
Our bodies are telling us likesee that cheerleader?
You should put a babyin her mouth.
But we have to quell thesedesires and get alongwith one and other...
which I think is beautiful.
I encourage people to sayplease and thank you and alsocarry a handkerchief.
Keep a handkerchiefin your pocket.
That was my father's rule.
It looked bitchin'on my neck in Cub Scouts.
And it saved my bacon in school.
'Cause when I'd get whooped in afight, I'd never soil the floor.
I'd wrap it around my knifehandle tight, and even thefucking score.
Hankies can make you seempolite or wipe ejaculatefrom your chin.
Or when you break and enter,erase the prints from whereyou've been.
For gravy or mud or evenmenstrual blood...
it can protect your eyesfrom a spunky flood.
You just gotta have your hanky.
For wiping your tears when youwish you could still get hardafter all of that wine.
And when you run outof toilet tissue, a hankywill do just fine.
For a sniffle or a sneeze,it will shoo away bees.
When you have to suck a dick,it's a cushion for your knees.
When your lover has beenpleased, it'll wipe awaythe cheese.
And the separationfrom your venereal disease.
Oh, you just gottahave your hanky.
Dad, I always carry my hanky.
Do you guys thinkyou're good people?
That's a weird one, isn't it?
Everyone's like, "Hold on,we have to decide now?"
I'm still working on some stuff.
Your grandfather is on his deathbed, he's asked to speakwith every individual.
You last of all, becausehe wants to deliver his lastwords unto you.
You open the door to thehospital room...
the sunlight dapples inthrough the Venetian blinds.
There's dust settling in theair. It smells like Grandpappy.
Not bad, but not great.
The door clicks shutbehind you...
and that's when your grandfatherturns to you and he says...
And you kind of want to be like,"Yeah, I just got in the room."
What did you think I was gonnabe like, "Last words, yell 'emfrom here, Grandpappy."
The car is running out front.
So you go over, you sit downnext to him and he says...
Okay, so you lean ina little closer.
He says, "Come closer, still."
At this point, you kind of wantto be like fuck that. You knowwhat I mean?
You're close. You could touchhis forehead with your nose...
by going like this, that's it,that's all it would take.
So you lean in closer,even still, because he'son his death bed.
You know? I mean,it's just a regular bed...
but they rename it, I guess,to remind him constantlyof what's happening.
I mean, how awful is that?
Are you comfortableon your death bed?
Is your death bed high enough?
You want to come over hereand sit in your "slowlydecomposing" chair?
Why don't you have a lay downon the "it will all beover soon" sofa?
Yeah, let's do that, then youcan kick your feet up...
on the "I hope I'm not alonein that moment, but ultimatelyaren't we all alone" ottoman?
We're gonna mix them up,up and down.
So it's just like--eh? eh? Right?
Look, look, some facing one way,some facing the other--
It's a mess of cards!It's mayhem.
It's crazy, it's mayhem.I mean-- yeah.
And yet, what if I couldsnap my fingers...
and then suddenly they're allback to normal, except one card?
Is that the card you picked?
JONAH (O.S.):Doing a good job, Kumail!
Good job, Kumail!I did it! I did it!
Kumail, that's amazing!Kumail! Kumail! Kumail!
How is he the hero?I did it!
So you lean in closer and that'swhen he delivers these,his last words unto you.
He says, "Live every day likeyou've just learned to love.
"And love every moment of that.
"Also fuck-tards must die."
Uh, guys, what do you do?
What is he talking about?What was that last part?
Was that a little pieceof dementia?
He's never said fuck-tardsin his life.
It's not even a real word,it's a combinationof two terrible words.
Or was he testing your courage?
Saying you were the last personI want to talk to.
Because you're the only one thatcan carry on my message,which apparently is...
fuck-tards must die.
I guess what I'm asking is...do you leave the last part in?
Or do you leave it out?
Do you say the last part?Or do you not say it?
I don't know. I don't knowif you should leave it inor leave it out.
I do know you're a bad personif you only say the last part.
If you come out, and you'relike, "Everybody,Grandpappy just passed...
"and he wanted me to tell you...
"sorry... 'fuck-tards must die.'
"So let's get some shovels anda gun, these fuck-tards ain'tgonna kill themselves!"
Thank you, I'm TJ.