share

Denis Leary: Douchebags and Donuts

  • 01/16/2011
  • views: 1,561

Denis Leary and friends (Lenny Clarke, Whitney Cummings and Adam Ferrara) uncover all types of douchebags, from homophobic senators to drug companies. (41:55)

I GO TO BUY THE RING,

AND I WANT TO DO RIGHTBY MY WOMAN,

'CAUSE I KNOW THE SIGNIFICANCEOF THE WEDDING RING.

WOMEN DON'T WANT A RING

THAT'S A SYMBOL OF THE LOVEYOU HAVE FOR HER

OR REPRESENTS THE COMMITMENTYOU WANT TO MAKE TO HER.

WOMEN WANT A RINGTHAT PISSES OFF OTHER WOMEN,

BECAUSE THEY'VE LIVEDTHEIR ENTIRE LIFE

WITH THIS SUBTEXTOF COMPETITION,

THIS GIRL-ON-GIRL VIOLENCETHEY CAN NEVER SPEAK OF,

BECAUSE THEY'RE"CIVILIZED" CREATURES.

BUT IF THEY COULD TELL YOUWHAT THEY REALLY THINK,

THEY WOULD SAY TO YOU, LIKE,

"THIS IS MY BEST FRIEND,

"BUT IF LIFE GIVES HER SOMETHINGBEFORE I GET IT,

I'LL THROW THE BITCHUNDER A BUS."

SO THEY DON'T SAY THAT,

SO THEY COMMUNICATETHROUGH SYMBOLS,

LIKE BAGS AND SHOES AND RINGS,

AND, "WHAT'S NEW?"

"FUCK YOU.

"I'M GETTING MARRIED.

"YOU WILL DIE ALONESURROUNDED BY CATS.

[laughter]

"I LOVE YOU SO MUCH,

"I'M GOING TO MAKE YOUMY BRIDESMAID.

"I'M GONNA LOOK LIKE A PRINCESS

AND DRESS YOULIKE A PUERTO RICAN PROM QUEEN."

[laughter]

SO I FIGUREDI WAS PRETTY SMART.

I GO TO BUY THE RING,

AND THE JEWELER ASKED MEA QUESTION I'M NOT PREPARED FOR.

SHE SAYS,"WHAT SIZE IS HER HAND?"

GIRL SIZE.WHA--

GOES,"WELL, IT'S KIND OF IMPORTANT,

"'CAUSE THE DIAMOND SHOULD SITIN PROPORTION TO HER HAND,

SO JUST GET AN IDEAOF THE SIZE OF HER HAND."

SO THAT NIGHT AT DINNER,I'M LOOKING AT HER HAND,

AND I'M LIKE, "OH, MY GOD...

"I'M MARRYING DAN MARINO.WHAT--

"LOOK AT THE MITTS ON THIS KID.

"JESUS.

"THIS IS GONNA COST MEA FORTUNE.

"IS THE LEFT ONE BIGGER?

"WHAT THE HELL IS SHE,A FIDDLER CRAB?

"GREAT, NOW WE'RE GONNA HAVEGIANT-LEFT-HANDED CHILDREN.

'DADDY, WHY DO I SWIMIN A CIRCLE?'"

[laughter]

SO I BOUGHT THE APPROPRIATERING SIZE FOR HER HAND.

UGH.

I WAS SO ANNOYED.

I ALMOST PROPOSED TO HERLIKE THIS.

"HERE, PUT THIS ON YOUR FLIPPER,YOU HARBOR SEAL."

- AND BY THE WAY,THERE'S DOUCHEBAGS EVERYWHERE.

IT'S NOT JUST THE 35-YEAR-OLDS.

THERE'S PLENTY OF DOUCHEBAGSIN MY GENERATION TOO.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

I'M GONNA JUST POINTA FEW OF YOU OUT.

I GOT A NEW RULE.

IT'S CALLED"YOU BETTER BE IN A BAND" RULE.

YEAH, THIS IS IT.

IF YOU'RE 50 YEARS OLD

AND YOU GOT RECEDINGGRAY HAIRLINE

BUT YOU'VE GROWNTHAT FUCKIN' HAIR

INTO A BIG GIANT PONYTAIL

THAT'S GOING ALL THE WAYDOWN TO YOUR ASS,

YOU BETTER BE THE BASS PLAYERFOR BRYAN FUCKIN' ADAMS.

I'M TELLING YOU RIGHT NOW,'CAUSE IF I SEE YOU

AND YOU'RE NOT THE BASS PLAYERFOR BRYAN ADAMS,

I'M FUCKIN' CUTTINGTHAT PONYTAIL RIGHT OFF.

CUT THE SHIT!

WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO,GROW IT BACK DOWN TO YOUR ASS,

UP THROUGH YOUR ASSAND BACK OUT OF YOUR EARS?

WHAT THE FUCK'S GOING ON?

CUT THE FUCKIN' HAIR.

IF YOU'RE 52 YEARS OLD

AND YOU GOT A GIANTGOLD HOOP EARRING IN ONE EAR,

YOU BETTER BE A FUCKIN' PIRATE.

[laughter and applause]

YOU BETTER BE A FUCKIN' PIRATE

OR JOHNNY DEPP'SFUCKIN' STUNT DOUBLE.

I'M JUST TELLING YOURIGHT NOW.

AND IF YOU'RE 52 YEARS OLDAND YOU'RE A MAN

AND YOU'RE ON FACEBOOK,DO US ALL A FAVOR.

LOG THE FUCK OFF.

NOW!

[applause]

YOU GUYS LOVE SEX.YOU GUYS LOVE SEX.

AND I THINK I FIGURED IT OUT.

THE REASON YOU GUYS THINKABOUT SEX ALL THE TIME

IS 'CAUSE WOMEN ARE GORGEOUS.

WHEN YOU GUYS SEE WOMEN,

OF COURSE YOU WANTTO HAVE SEX WITH THEM,

'CAUSE ALL WOMEN ARE BEAUTIFUL.

WE'RE NOT AS OBSESSED WITH SEX

'CAUSE YOU GUYSARE [BLEEP] DISGUSTING.

I'M SORRY.YOU'RE HIDEOUS.

YOUR PENISES?HOW DARE YOU WITH THOSE THINGS?

THEY'RE EMBARRASSING.

YOU'RE JUST WALKING AROUNDWITH THOSE THINGS?

ALL OF YOU?UGH-HUGH.

YOU MUST--UGH.

WELL, HERE'S WHATI RECENTLY REALIZED.

I JUST GOT OUTOF A FOUR-YEAR RELATIONSHIP,

AND WHEN YOU'REIN A LONG RELATIONSHIP,

YOU GET USED TO THE PENISTHAT YOU SEE EVERY DAY.

IT GROWS ON YOUR, RIGHT?

BUT NOW I'M BACKIN THE GAME AGAIN.

I'M SEEING THESE NEW PENISES.

PENISES ARE LIKE [BLEEP]SNOWFLAKES, OKAY?

NO TWO ARE THE SAME.

YOU SEE A NEW ONEAND YOU'RE LIKE,

"DU--I'VE NEVER SEENTHAT VEIN BEFORE.

"THAT'S A NEW BROWN SPLOTCHI'VE NEVER SEEN.

"I'M GONNA HAVE TO GOGOOGLE THAT LATER.

"I HOPE THAT SHIT'S ON WEB MD.

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DOWITH THAT?"

BUT THE PROBLEM, YOU GOT TOINSPECT THE NEW PENIS.

YOU GOT TO MAKE SUREEVERYTHING'S SET.

BUT THE PROBLEM IS, WHEN YOU'RETHAT CLOSE TO THE PENIS,

YOU'RE THAT CLOSETO THE PENIS, OKAY?

WHICH MEANS YOU GOT TO DOSOMETHING ABOUT IT,

WHICH MEANS YOU GOT TO PUTTHAT THING IN YOUR MOUTH.

THAT'S WHAT NEEDS TO HAPPEN.

YOU HAVE TO SOMEHOWFIGURE OUT A WAY

TO GET THAT PENISINTO YOUR MOUTH.

IT NEVER [BLEEP] GETS EASIER,GUYS.

LET ME TELL YOU THAT MUCH.

IT NEVER JUST GETS EASYTO PUT A PENIS IN YOUR MOUTH.

YOU GOT TO PLAYALL THESE MIND TRICKS

TO GET IT IN THERE.

YOU JUST--

PHEWWWW!

PHHHOOOO!

YOU GOT TO JUST [BLEEP] MAN UP.

IT'S LIKE BEING ON FEAR FACTOR.

YOU JUST GOT TO--

NO, I DON'T DO THAT ANYMORE.

I HAVE A BAD BACK.I CAN'T WITH THAT.

YOUR GUYS' PENISESARE SO UGLY,

THE SECOND YOU GUYS ARE BORN,

SOMEONE HAS TO CUTSOME OF IT OFF

JUST TO MAKE IT EVENSOMEWHAT PRESENTABLE.

THE DOCTOR WAS LIKE,

"I DON'T KNOW.JUST CUT IT O--

I DON'T KNOW."

I HAVE SEENAN UNCIRCUMCISED PENIS.

HORRIBLE.HORRIBLE.

WELL, I DIDN'T KNOWWHAT WAS GOING ON,

'CAUSE I SAW IT,AND I WAS LIKE,

"IT CAN'T POSSIBLY--

THAT HASN'T HAPPENEDSINCE THE CIVIL WAR, RIGHT?"

SO I WAS LIKE--I TALKED MYSELF OUT.

I SAW IT, I WAS LIKE,

"WHAT IS THAT, A SCRUNCHIEON THERE?

WHAT IS THAT?"

I DO NOT LIKE PORN.

LET ME TELL YOU--I DON'T LIKE PORN

BECAUSE ITRAISES THE BAR TOO HIGH.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE WOMEN IN PORN ARE ALWAYS,LIKE, YELLING SO LOUD,

WHICH I GUESS YOU GUYSTHINK THAT'S SEXY.

I'M NOT LIKE THAT AT ALL.

I'M VERY QUIET IN THE BEDROOM.

I LIKE TO KEEPA VERY LOW PROFILE IN THERE.

I WILL OCCASIONALLY WHISPERENCOURAGING THINGS.

YOU KNOW, I'LL BE LIKE,"GOOD JOB.

"I REALLY APPRECIATE THAT.

"I REALLY THINK YOUR SHOWINGA LOT OF IMPROVEMENT.

RUDY. RUDY. RUDY."

I DON'T LIKE PORN,

BUT, WOMEN,YOU SHOULD WATCH PORN MORE.

WATCH PORN JUST TO SEEWHERE YOUR MAN

IS GETTING ALL THOSESTUPID FUCKING IDEAS.

LITERALLY, EVERY TIMEI WATCH PORN, I'M LIKE,

"OH, THAT'S WHY HE MADE ME BUYROLLER-SKATES AND A SNORKEL.

"OKAY.

THAT'S WHY THERE'STWO POUNDS OF PUDDING

IN THE FUCKING FRIDGE."

SO STUPID.

I LOVE THAT YOU GUYS DON'T THINKWE KNOW YOU WATCH IT,

AND WE ALSO KNOW BECAUSE,HERE'S THE THING,

IS THAT IF YOU WATCH ITON THE COMPUTER,

YOU'LL EITHER, NUMBER ONE,ERASE YOUR FUCKING HISTORY

IN THE MENU BAR.

SO I CAN'T GO TOANY OF MY WEBSITES,

AND I KNOW YOU DIDSOME CRAZY SHIT.

OR YOU DON'T ERASE YOUR HISTORY,

AND I TRY TO GO TO GOOGLE.COM,

AND IT GOES TOGOOD-ASIAN-PUSSY.COM.

I USED TO WORRY ABOUT PORN.

I USED TO BE LIKE, "OH, MY GOD,MY MAN IS WATCHING PORN.

HE DOESN'T LOVE ME."

OR, LIKE,"HE'S NOT ATTRACTED TO ME."

PORN IS NOT A THREATTO OUR RELATIONSHIPS.

I LIKE TO THINK ABOUT ITLIKE THIS.

GUYS WATCHING PORN

IS LIKE WOMENWATCHING THE FOOD NETWORK.

OKAY, WE'RE BOTH WATCHING SHITWE ARE NEVER GONNA FUCKING DO.

- NEXT IN THE DOUCHEBAG PARADE.

MOST OF THE PEOPLE I KNOWTHAT TAKE PRESCRIPTION DRUGS

NEVER EVEN THINKABOUT THE SIDE EFFECTS.

THEY DON'T EVEN READ THE LITTLEPACKAGING ON THE SIDE.

THEY JUST WANT TO TAKE ITAND FEEL BETTER.

WELL, TONIGHT I'M GONNA POINTOUT SOME OF THE SIDE EFFECTS

THAT YOU SHOULD REALLYBE PAYING ATTENTION TO.

NUMBER ONE:LITTLE DRUG CALLED ALLI.

IT TREATS WEIGHT LOSS.

IT'S A WEIGHT LOSS AID, OKAY?

LET'S TAKE A LOOKAT THE SIDE EFFECTS.

NUMBER ONE:

OILY SPOTTINGIN YOUR UNDERGARMENTS.

WHERE I COME FROM,WE CALL THAT

[bleep] IN YOUR PANTS,LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

IF I WENT TO MY MOTHERWHEN I WAS A KID AND SAID,

"I THINK I GOT SOME OILYSPOTTING IN MY UNDERGARMENTS,"

"YOU SHIT YOUR PANTS AGAIN,DIDN'T YOU?

SON OF A BITCH."

THE REASON THEY CREATEDTHIS STATEMENT,

"OILY SPOTTINGIN YOUR UNDERGARMENTS,"

IS BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANTTO USE "ANAL LEAKAGE" ANYMORE.

ALLI WAS THE DRUG

THAT BASICALLY INVENTEDANAL LEAKAGE.

I STILL LIKE ANAL LEAKAGE.I THINK IT'S BETTER.

SOUNDS LIKE A HEAVY METAL BANDFROM THE '80s, DOESN'T IT?

"I SAW ANAL LEAKAGE, MAN.[bleep] EXCELLENT.

"I SAW 'EM WITH NAUSEAAND BLACK STOOL, MAN.

IT WAS EXCELLENT!"

ANAL [bleep] LEAKAGE.

YEAH, YOU'RE LOSING WEIGHT.

IS...

MISS U.S.A.,THE CURRENT MISS U.S.A.

I LOVE HER.

LOOK AT HER.SHE'S BEAUTIFUL.

BUT WE GOT DOUCHEBAGSALL OVER THIS COUNTRY

WHO ARE UP IN ARMS.

"OH, MY GOD.SHE'S ARAB-AMERICAN!

"WE GOT A TERRORISTFOR MISS U.S.A.!

"WHAT IF SHE PUTS BOMBSIN HER CROWN

"AND THEN COMES TO MY TOWNTO VISIT MY TOWN

AND BLOWS MY FUCKIN' TOWN UP?"

THIS IS HOW RAMPANT AND INSANE

THE RACISM HAS GOTTENIN THIS COUNTRY.

FIRST OF ALL, LOOK AT HER.SHE'S GORGEOUS.

THIS IS WHEN SHE WON, OKAY?

BUT YOU WANT PROOFTHAT SHE'S MORE AMERICAN

THAN SHE IS ARAB-AMERICAN?

HERE YOU GO,LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

STRIPPER CONTESTHELD BY A RADIO STATION.

THERE SHE IS,

ABOUT SIX MONTHSBEFORE SHE BECAME MISS U.S.A.

ONLY THING SHE'S TERRORIZINGIS MY COCK, ALL RIGHT?

ONE MORE PICTURE.LOOK AT THIS ONE.

OH, YEAH.THAT'S MISS U.S.A., TO ME.

I THINK THAT SHOULD BE A CONTEST

AS PART OF THE MISS U.S.A. THINGFROM NOW ON.

EVERY TIME THEY HAVETHE PAGEANT,

WE SHOULD HAVE A CAMEL TOECONTEST WITHIN IT.

I'M VOTING FOR NUMBER FOUR.

SHE'S GOT THE BEST CAMEL TOE.

I REALLY BELIEVE IN HER.

[music playing]

-(SINGING) If you'retexting while you walk

and you're textingwhile you drive,

then soon you'll be textingin the afterlife, douchebag.

Douchebag.

And I hope that your cell isgonna work in hell, douchebag.

Put sandals with socks.

Put Caucasian dreadlocks.

Put the men with fanny packs.

You might as well wear a nametag that says "douchebag."

[backup singers vocalizing]

Douchebag.

Douchebag.

Douchebag.

Douchebag.

If you want to ride abike instead of the bus

and you get hit by a taxi, well,don't blame us, douchebags.

Douchebag.

Use your fucking brain and takethe fucking train, douchebag.

If you move toArizona from Mexico,

better keep it high up forthe Gestapo, Douchebags.

Douchebags.

Because their skin is pink, theythink their shit don't stink.

Douchebags.

["douchebags" remixed]

Loading...