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Wednesday, March 4, 2015

  • 03/04/2015
  • Views: 4,398

Esther Povitsky, Bryan Callen and Neal Brennan come up with weed-laced ice cream flavors, describe the #WorstBossIn5Words and guess which unusual panties are sold on Etsy. (21:16)

RIPPED FROM THE INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPED REFRESH.

(APPLAUSE)

IN AN INTERVIEW WITH HUFFPO, ICECREAM MAGNATES BEN AND JERRY

SAID THEY WOULD CONSIDER MAKINGMARIJUANA-INFUSED ICE CREAM IF

MARIJUANA WAS, YOU KNOW,LEGAL IN ALL 50 STATES.

OH MY GOD.

THEN THEY LAUGH ANDDISAPPEARED IN A PUFF OF

GOLD DUST.

IF YOU CATCH US, YOU GET TOMAKE A WISH.

POT ICE CREAM? THAT WOULDJUST CREATE AN INFINITE LOOP.

LIKE YOU WOULD JUST, WOULDYOU NEVER STOP.

STONERS ACROSS THE COUNTRYJUST GOT THE PEE-SHIVERS AND

THEY DON'T KNOW WHY.

CAN YOU IMAGINE ICE CREAM ANDMARIJUANA SHARING A SPOON

LIKE GOD INTENDED?

TODAY IS THE DAY OF YOURCOMEDY DREAM OF THE WORLD'S

EASIEST SETTUP COME TRUE.

PLEASE GIVE ME A BEN &JERRIES WEED FLAVOR, ESTHER.

>> LONG ISLAND ICED-THC.

>> CHRIS: YES, PERFECT, POINTS.

MR. BRYAN CALLEN.

>> EITHER A SCHCOOP OFCOUCH-AND-POTATO OR FAT AND

JOBLESS.

>> CHRIS: OKAY, POINTS.

>> IN A WAFFLE CONE.

>> CHRIS: IN A WAFFLE CONE,YEAH.

NEAL BRENNAN.

>> FUNYONS AND CREAM.

>> CHRIS: YEAH.

I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU POINTSBUT I THINK YOU MIGHT BE

PREGNANT.

I THINK YOU MIGHT BEPREGNANT.

ALL RIGHT.

GOOD NEWS, EVERYONE,FACEBOOK NOW HAS ANOTHER

PURPOSE BESIDES MONITORINGWHICH OF YOUR HIGH SCHOOL

CLASSMATES HAS THE MOSTUNATTRACTIVE CHILDREN.

THE SHERIFF'S-- YOU ALLINSTANTLY GOT AN IDEA OF WHO

THAT WAS.

THE SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT INBUTLER COUNTY OHIO RECENTLY

USED THEIR PAGE TO POST THISIMAGE OF A LOCAL FUGITIVE.

NOW THIS GUY, UNSURPRISINGLY,WAS WANTED FOR A VARIETY OF

VIOLENT CRIMES.

AND ODDLY ENOUGH SAFE-CRACKING.

WHICH I ASSUME HE DID BYJUST SLAMMING HIS GARGANTUAN

NECK INTO THE SAFE.

JUST WANT TO CRACK IT, IDON'T WANT TO GET IN IT.

THE CRAFTY CRIMINALREPORTEDLY COMMENTED ON THE

POST SAYING, "I AIN'T TRIPPING,HALF OF THEM DON'T EVEN KNOW

ME."

WELL, APPARENTLY SOMEONEKNEW HIM BECAUSE HE WAS

BROUGHT INTO CUSTODY WHICHLEAD HIM TO CHANGE HIS

PROFILE PICTURE TO THIS.

(APPLAUSE)

EXCUSE ME, SIR --

I AIN'T EVEN TRIPPING.

COMEDIANS BASED ON THEMUGSHOT, WHAT DO YOU THINK

HIS OTHER CRIMES WERE.

ESTHER.

>> STRETCHING OUT HISSWEATER COLLAR.

>> CHRIS: YEAH, POINTS,ABSOLUTELY.

I MEAN, THERE IS THE PROOF.

YOU CAN SEE IT HAPPENING.

BRYAN CALLEN.

>> ASSAULT WITH AN UGLYFACE.

BUT HE GOT IT KNOCKED DOWNTO IMPERSONATING A CRY BABY.

>> CHRIS: OKAY, POINTS.

NEAL BRENNAN.

>> POSSESSION OF A GIANTUNDERBITE.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

POINTS.

>> I'M KIND OF DEPRESSEDTHAT HIS SELFIES HAVE MORE

LIKES THAN MINE.

>> CHRIS: I KNOW.

I'M SO SORRY.

>> HE ALSO HAS AGGRAVATEDLENO FACE.

(LAUGHTER)

IT'S NOW TIME FOR THEHASHTAG WARS.

THIS FRIDAY IS EMPLOYEEAPPRECIATION DAY.

AND NOTHING MAKES EMPLOYEESHAPPIER THAN RIPPING ON

THEIR BOSS WHICH BRINGS TOUS TONIGHT'S HASHTAG,

#WORSTBOSSIN5WORDS.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE WON'TRECIPROCATE LOVE TO

SMITHERS.

OR COMES TO WORK WITHSHINGLES.

OR -- THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENEDHERE AT OUR OFFICE.

DO YOU HEAR ME, JOE FARRELL!

OR GOES UNDERCOVER ONNATIONAL TV.

I'M GOING TO PUT 60 SECONDSON THE CLOCK NOW AND BEGIN.

BRYAN CALLEN.

>> WOULD RATHER BE TURNINGTRICKS.

>> CHRIS: OKAY, POINTS.

NEAL BRENNAN.

>> NO BATHROOM BREAKS, ONLYDIAPERS.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

ESTHER.

>> DOESN'T PAY MORE FORANAL.

(LAUGHTER)

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

IT'S NOT FAIR.

I MEAN, IT SHOULD BE --

>> YEAH.

>> ON UNEQUAL PAY FORUNEQUAL ACTIVITIES.

>> EXACTLY.

>> CHRIS: NEAL BRENNAN.

>> DRESSDOWN FRIDAYS?

TRY BALLSOUT MONDAYS.

>> CHRIS: OKAY, POINTS.

ESTHER.

>> DONATES MY PAYCHECKS TOCHARITY.

>> CHRIS: OKAY, POINTS, YEAH.

NEAL.

>> ONLY ANSWERS TO MEINFUHRER.

>> CHRIS: OKAY, POINTS.

BRYAN CALLEN.

>> SMELLS LIKE SOUP ANDHARASSMENT.

>> CHRIS: OKAY.

POINTS.

ESTHER.

>> MY CHRISTMAS BONUS WASHERPES.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

NEAL BRENNAN.

>> HER NAME IS KATHERINE HEIGL.

>> CHRIS: OKAY, POINTS. WELLPLAYED.

ESTHER.

>> SAYS I'M POOR, THENLAUGHS.

>> CHRIS: NOW IT'S TIME TO PLAYTHE RAP GAME, THE RAP GAME.

ALL RIGHT.

Y'ALL YOUTUBERS BEST COMECORRECT IF YOU WANT TO BREAK

INTO THE RAP GAME, YO.

WHAT JUST HAPPENED?

I BLACKED OUT.

COMEDIANS, I'M GOING TOSHOW YOU RAPPERS AT THE ABSOLUTE

BOTTOM THE RAP GAME.

FOR 250 YOU HAVE TO GIVE AFITTING RAP NAME THEM.

THIS BRITISH IMPORT.

BRYAN CALLEN.

>> M.C. HUMAN EMOJI.

>> CHRIS: OKAY, POINTS.

ESTHER.

>> TOO MANY EMINEMS.

>> CHRIS: PERFECT.

PERFECT. PERFECT.

WHAT ABOUT CABBAGE PATCH KIDROCK.

>> THAT WILL WORK.

>> CHRIS: NEXT ONE.

THESE DRIVE-BY BALLERS.

>> I GOT MORE HATS THAN LIDSGOT HATS.

BASEBALL BATS AND FLYINGBATS.

GOING TOGETHER LIKE RABBEESAND RATS.

>> CHRIS: ANYONE?

YAS, NEAL.

>> NISSANS WITH ATTITUDE?

>> CHRIS: YEAH, POINTS.

ESTHER.

>> RUN-D.U.I.

>> CHRIS: YEAH, POINTS.

POINTS.

>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE.

THIS SMOOTH SPITTER, THISSMOOTH SPITTER.

>> I COULD DUMP, LIKE A FUNKSMELING LIKE YOUR RAT SKUNK.

I LIKE TO-- INTO DUST.

THAT'S PRETTY MUCH OF ALL IHAVE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> CHRIS: ESTHER.

>> MOST DEF NOT GOING TOACHIEVE HIS DREAMS OF

BECOMING A RAPPER.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

LAST ONE:

THIS FRESH AND CLEAN HOME BOY.

>> ♪ MONEY ON THE STREETS

♪ [BLEEP] LIEK TOILET SEATS

♪ BUTT CHEEKS

♪ I'M HARD BOY

♪ I'M HARD BOY

>> CHRIS: I DON'T MIND IT,ACTUALLY.

NEAL?

>> GHOSTFACE FAILURE.

>> CHRIS: OKAY.

POINTS.

ESTHER.

>> GRANDMASTER FLESHLIGHT.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS, AMAZING,AMAZING.

IT'S TIME FOR OUR NEXT GAME,ESTY PANY RAID.

ETSY PANTY RAID.

LADIES?

IF YOU ARE'S IN THE MARKETFOR SOME NEW UNDERWEAR THAT

WILL LEAVE THEM SAYING OH,GOD, WAIT, WHY.

THEN ETSY IS THE ONE-STOPSHOP FOR YOU.

WE WILL GIVE YOU TWO CHOICESOF PERPLEXING PANTIES FOR

SALE ON ETSY AND FOR 250POINTS YOU HAVE TO GUESS

WHICH PAIR IS REAL.

THE FIRST ONE, PANTIES THATPRAISE JESS WITH US A CRUCIFIX

OVER THE CROTCH, OR HAILSATAN WITH A THONG SHAPED

LIKE PENTAGRAM.

BRYAN.

>> JESUS CRUCIFIX CROSS.

I'M GOING TO HELL.

>> CHRIS: YES, ARE YOU.

ESPECIALLY BECAUSE THECORRECT ANSWER IS THE SATAN-

SHAPED PANTIES.

>> DAMMIT.

>> I WORE THOSE TO MY BATMITZVAH.

>> CHRIS: A HUNDRED POINTS FORDOING THAT.

NEXT ONE.

HARRY POTTER UNDERIES PRINTEDWITH "ERECTO PATRONUM,"

OR LORD OF THE RINGSPANTIES WITH A COCKBLOCK

MESSAGE FROM GANDALF.

BRYAN.

>> LORD OF THE RINGS GANDALFCOCKBLOCK PANTIES.

>> CHRIS: LET'S FIND OUT.

YOU SHALL NOT PASS!

I FEEL REALLY GOOD ABOUTTHAT ONE.

GOOD.

LAST ONE, BECAUSE WE'RE ALLABOUT EQUAL OPPORTUNITY,

HERE'S ONE FOR THE FELLAS.

A PAIR OF SILKY SMOOTH, MILKCHOCOCLATE MANTIES, OR

THE LONG DONG KONG BANANTHONG.

NEAL.

>> LONG DONG KONG BANANA THONG.

>> CHRIS: YOU, MY FRIEND, ARE APURVEYOR OF FINE UNDERWEAR

GOODS.

THAT IS --

NO, WAIT. I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

DO THOSE COME WITH A DONG INTHERE OR ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO

PUT YOUR OWN DONG IN THERE.

>> WHY CAN'T I GET A JOB ASA MODEL AND THAT PERSON CAN?

>> CHRIS: WELL, YOU JUST NEEDTO HAVE A BIG GIANT DICK,

THAT'S ALL.

AS WE JUMP TO OURNEXT GAME, MANSON FAMILY

VALUES.

MANSON FAMILY VALUES.

AT A RECENT SHOOT WITHCONTROVERSIAL PHOTOGRAPHER

TERRI RICHARDSON, GHOSTFCECROONER MARYLIN MANSON RECEIVED

AN UNEXPECTED SURPRISE WHEN HISDAD SHOWED UP.

HERE IS THE PICTURE OF THAT.

THIS LOOKS LIKE IF THEYRESHOT THE SHOW SALEM BUT

WITH CLOWNS.

I GUESS THE CRAZY APPLEDOESN'T FALL FAR FROM THE

CRAZY TREE. THIS MAKES MEWONDER WHAT ELSE THESE TWO

WOULD LIKE TO DO TOGETHERLIKE I DON'T KNOW, GET DRUNK

AND MAKE TALKING DEADAWKWARD AS A TEAM.

SO COMEIDANS, I WOULD LIKE YOUTO COME UP WITH AS MANY OF

THEIR FATHER SON ACTIVITIESAS YOU CAN IN 60 SECONDS AND

BEGIN.

BRYAN CALL EN.

>> KILL A DRIFTER.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

ESTHER.

>> HAVING THE TALK ABOUT HOWTO GIVE YOURSELF A BLOW JOB.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

NEAL BRENNAN.

>> NIPPLE CLAMPING.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

ESTHER.

>> LEARNING HOW TO MAKESUSHI WITH RAW HUMAN FLESH.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

BRYAN CALLEN.

>> TRAP THE NEIGHBOR'S CAT.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

BRENNAN.

>> HAVE THE TALK ABOUT THEBIRDS AND THE BATS.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

ESTHER.

>> SHOOT A YOUTUBE MAKEUPTUTORIAL.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

BRYAN CALLEN.

>> EAT THE NEIGHBOR'S CAT.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

NEAL BRENNAN.

>> UPSIDE DOWN CROSS SITS.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

NEAL.

>> BLOOD TASTINGS.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

ESTHER.

>> PLAY CATCH WITH A HUMANHEAD.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

NEAL.

>> WONDER WHERE IT ALL WENTWRONG.

>> CHRIS: YES, NEAL.

>> DECLINE CALLS FROM DAVENAVARRO.

(LAUGHTER)

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