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New in Town

New New Yorker John Mulaney shares his black-out drunk stories and expounds on the merits of being truthful with doctors and having a girlfriend. (41:44)

- ♪ NEW IN TOWN

♪ JOHN MULANEY'S NEW IN TOWN

- ♪ HE'S SPILLING MUSTARDON HIS SHIRT ♪

♪ AND HE'S GOT SOME PAPERSTO DELIVER ♪

♪ BUT OH, NO

♪ HE'S SUCCESSFUL

♪ AND HE'S GOT SO MANYCRAZY FRIENDS ♪

♪ OH, NEW IN TOWN

♪ JOHN MULANEY'S NEW IN TOWN

- NEW IN TOWN IS FILMED IN FRONTOF A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE.

[cheers and applause]

[upbeat music]

HI!

HI!

HELLO!

HOW ARE YOU?

THANK YOU.THAT'S VERY NICE OF YOU.

THANK YOU.THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THAT'S SO NICE OF YOU.

I HOPE YOU'RE HAVINGA GOOD WEEK.

THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.

I AM DOING WELL MYSELF.

IN A COUPLE DAYS,I'M GONNA TURN 29 YEARS OLD

AND I'M VERY EXCITEDABOUT THAT.

I WAS HOPING BY NOWTHAT I WOULD LOOK OLDER

BUT IT DIDN'T HAPPEN.

I DON'T LOOK OLDER,I JUST LOOK WORSE, I THINK.

HONESTLY, WHEN I'M WALKINGDOWN THE STREET,

NO ONE'S EVER LIKE"HEY! LOOK AT THAT MAN."

I THINK THEY'RE JUST LIKE

"WHOA! THAT TALL CHILDLOOKS TERRIBLE."

GET SOME REST, TALL CHILD.

YOU CAN'T KEEP BURNINGTHE CANDLE AT BOTH ENDS.

A LOT OF GUYS MY AGE,

I'LL HEAR THEM SAY THIS--THEY GO,

"EVERY DAY I THINK I'M BECOMINGMORE LIKE MY DAD."

I THINK I'M BECOMINGMORE LIKE MY MOM

BECAUSE I WAS WATCHING THAT SHOW ACCESS HOLLYWOOD

AND ONE OF THE REPORTERS SAID,

"UP NEXT, WE HAVE AN EXCLUSIVEINTERVIEW WITH SANDRA BULLOCK'S

FORMER HUSBAND JESSE JAMES."

AND OUT LOUD, I WENT"UGH, THIS OUGHTA BE GOOD!"

THAT'S PURE MOM.

MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS AND IHAD THIS BABYSITTER

NAMED VERONICAWHEN WE WERE KIDS,

AND I WAS IN LOVE WITH HER.

I WAS IN LOVE WITH VERONICA.

SHE WOULD BABYSIT USON SATURDAY NIGHTS.

AND IN MY HEAD,WHEN I WAS A LITTLE KID,

I THOUGHT THAT VERONICAWAS LIKE 25, 30 YEARS OLD.

I WAS JUST TALKING TO MY MOMTHE OTHER WEEK.

I FOUND OUT THAT WHEN I WAS 10,VERONICA WAS 13.

SO WHY WAS SHE IN CHARGE?

ALL SHE COULD DO WAS DIALTHE TELEPHONE A LITTLE BETTER

THAN I COULD.

13 WHEN I'M 10?

THAT'S JUST LIKE HIRINGA SLIGHTLY BIGGER CHILD.

THAT WOULD BE LIKE IF YOU'REGOING OUT OF TOWN FOR THE WEEK

AND YOU PAID A HORSETO WATCH YOUR DOG.

LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, HERE ISTHE NUMBER WHERE WE'LL BE,

"AND HERE'S WHERE WE KEEPTHE DOG FOOD.

"AND YOU'RE A HORSE.

"SHH, SHH, SHH, SHH, SHH.

SHH, SHH,SHH, SHH, SHH."

WHY DO PEOPLE DO THAT?PEOPLE ALWAYS SHUSH ANIMALS.

THEY GO, "HEY, SHH, SHH, SHH."

THEY'VE NEVER SPOKEN.

I ALWAYS WANTED TO LIVEIN NEW YORK WHEN I WAS A KID.

I'M SO EXCITED THAT I GETTO LIVE IN NEW YORK.

I SAW NEW YORK CITY IN A MOVIEWHEN I WAS A KID.

IT WAS CALLED HOME ALONE 2: LOST IN NEW YORK.

IT IS A SEQUEL.YEAH, HOW ABOUT THAT MOVIE?

IT WAS A SEQUEL TO THE MOVIE HOME ALONE.

I REMEMBER IN THAT MOVIE--OH, THE KID IN HOME ALONE 2.

HE GETS INTO A STRETCH LIMOUSINEON 5TH AVENUE

WITH A LARGE CHEESE PIZZA,AND I THOUGHT,

"THIS ISTHE HEIGHT OF LUXURY!"

NOW I LIVE IN NEW YORKAND I'M PSYCHED,

BUT THAT IS A STUPIDMOVIE TITLE.

LOST IN NEW YORK?THE STREETS ARE NUMBERED.

HOW'D YOU GETLOST IN NEW YORK?

I KNOW IT'S KIND OF STUPIDTO COMPLAIN ABOUT A MOVIE

THAT CAME OUT 17 YEARS AGO.

BUT I WASN'T A COMEDIANBACK THEN.

SO I HAVE TO DO IT NOW.I WISH I'D BEEN.

I WISH I'D BEEN A DEF JAM COMICWHEN THAT MOVIE CAME OUT.

I WOULD HAVE TORN ITTO PIECES.

BE LIKE, "YOU SEEN THIS [bleep]?

"YOU SEEN THIS HOME ALONE 2: LOST IN NEW YORK [bleep]?

"IT'S A GRID SYSTEM,MOTHER[bleep].

"WHERE YOU AT?24TH AND 5TH?

"WHERE YOU WANNA GO?35TH AND 6TH?

11 UP AND 1 OVER,YOU SIMPLE BITCH!"

THAT'D BE MY BIG JOKE.THAT'D BE THE CLOSER.

IF I WAS A DEF JAM COMICWHEN THAT MOVIE CAME OUT.

BUT ALAS, I WAS NOT.

I THINK THE BULLYING THAT YOUNGPEOPLE HAVE TO GO THROUGH NOW

IN SCHOOLS IS REALLY ROUGH.

I REALLY SYMPATHIZE, 'CAUSEI WAS BULLIED WHEN I WAS A KID.

WHEN I WAS IN GRADE SCHOOL,

I WAS BULLIED FOR BEINGASIAN-AMERICAN.

AND THE BIGGEST PROBLEMWITH THAT...

IS THAT I AM NOTASIAN-AMERICAN.

BUT WHEN I WAS YOUNGER,AND THIS IS ABSOLUTELY TRUE,

PEOPLE THOUGHT THAT I MIGHT BEASIAN-AMERICAN.

I HAVE PRETTY THIN EYES.

I HAD VERY THIN EYESWHEN I WAS A LITTLE KID

AND I HAD STRAIGHT BLACK HAIRTHAT I WORE IN A BOWL CUT.

AND FROM THE AGES OF THREETO EIGHT,

PEOPLE THOUGHT THAT I MIGHT BEA YOUNG CHINESE PERSON.

ON THE FIRST DAYTHAT HE MET ME,

THE GUY THAT IS NOWMY BEST FRIEND--

HE MET ME THE FIRST DAYOF KINDERGARTEN--

HE WENT HOME THAT NIGHTAND SAID,

"PAPA, TODAY I MET A BOYWITH NO EYES."

AND THAT WAS ME.

KIDS WOULD MAKE FUN OF MEIN MIDDLE SCHOOL.

KIDS WOULD CALL MEA "CHINA MAN."

WHICH, OF THE RACIAL SLURS,HAS GOT TO BE THE LAZIEST.

THAT IS JUST PUSHINGTWO WORDS TOGETHER.

NO WORK WAS DONE THERE.

IT WAS VERY CONFUSING TO ME'CAUSE I'M NOT CHINESE.

NO ONE IN MY FAMILYIS REMOTELY ASIAN.

I MEAN, WE TAKE OUR SHOES OFFWHEN WE COME INSIDE,

BUT THAT WAS MORE OF A CARPETINGTHING THAN ANYTHING ELSE.

HERE'S HOW BAD IT GOT, THOUGH.

I REMEMBER WHENI WAS IN JUNIOR HIGH,

WE HAD THIS MUSIC APPRECIATIONCLASS THAT WE NEVER APPRECIATED.

AND THEY TOOK US TO HEARSOME CLASSICAL MUSIC ONCE

AT A SYMPHONY ORCHESTRA.

SO WE GOTO A SYMPHONY ORCHESTRA.

IN ONE OF THESE CLASSICALPIECES,

THERE'S A MOMENT WHERE THEYBANG A GONG.

AND EVERY TIME THEY BANGEDTHE GONG,

ALL THE KIDS SITTINGIN FRONT OF ME WOULD STAND UP

TURN TO ME AND BOW LIKE THAT.

WHICH IS SOME RACIST-ASSBULL[bleep]...

BUT ALSO INCREDIBLYWELL COORDINATED...

FOR A GROUP OF 13-YEAR-OLDS.

13-YEAR-OLDS ARE THE MEANESTPEOPLE IN THE WORLD.

THEY TERRIFY ME TO THIS DAY.

IF I'M ON THE STREETON LIKE A FRIDAY AT 3:00 P.M.

AND I SEE A GROUPOF EIGHTH GRADERS

ON ONE SIDE OF THE STREET,

I WILL CROSS TO THE OTHER SIDEOF THE STREET.

BECAUSE EIGHTH GRADERSWILL MAKE FUN OF YOU

BUT IN AN ACCURATE WAY.

THEY WILL GET TO THE THINGTHAT YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOU.

THEY DON'T EVEN NEED TO LOOKAT YOU FOR LONG.

THEY'LL JUST BE LIKE"HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!

"HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!

"HEY, LOOK AT THATHIGH-WAISTED MAN.

HE GOT FEMININE HIPS."

AND I'M LIKE "NO! THAT'STHE THING I'M SENSITIVE ABOUT!"

WHEN I WAS A BOY,I WAS ALSO CONFUSED

WITH A WOMAN SOMETIMESOVER THE PHONE.

BECAUSE BEFOREI WENT THROUGH PUBERTY,

I HAD A VOICE LIKEA LITTLE FLUTE.

I WAS ONCE ON THE TELEPHONEWITH BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO,

WHICH IS A VERY OLD-FASHIONEDSENTENCE.

AND--IT IS.

I WAS ON THE TELEPHONEWITH BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO.

THAT'S LIKE WHEN YOUR GRAMWOULD BE LIKE,

"WE'D ALL GO PLAY JACKSDOWN AT THE SODA FOUNTAIN."

AND YOU'RE LIKE, "NO ONE KNOWSWHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT,

YOU IDIOT."

YOU KNOW HOW YOU TALKTO YOUR GRANDMA?

SO...

I WAS ON THE PHONEWITH BLOCKBUSTER.

I'D CALLED THEM A COUPLEOF TIMES IN ONE DAY

TO ASK ABOUT A MOVIE.

AND I CALLED FOR A THIRD TIME.

I SAID, "HEY, YEAH.I WAS JUST CALLING TO SEE

IF YOU HAD ADDAMS FAMILY VALUES YET."

AND THE GUY AT BLOCKBUSTERWENT, "HEY, LADY...

I'LL TELL YOU WHEN WE GET ADDAMS FAMILY VALUES."

BUT LOOK, I WASN'T OFFENDEDAS A BOY BEING CONFUSED

WITH A LADY.

I WAS OFFENDED AS A LADYWHO WAS GETTING PUSHED AROUND

BY THIS CHAUVINIST ASS[bleep]THAT WORKS AT BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO,

TALKING TO MELIKE I'M SOME FLOOZY.

I AM A PROUD ASIAN-AMERICANWOMAN

AND YOU WILL TREAT MEWITH RESPECT.

I AM A TIGER MOM.

IT'S WRONG TO MAKE FUNOF PEOPLE, YOU KNOW,

BUT IT'S SO FUN SOMETIMES.

I'VE WRITTENFOR SOME TV SHOWS,

AND, YOU KNOW,ON A MAJOR TV SHOW,

YOU HAVE TO BE CAREFUL ABOUTWHAT YOU SAY ABOUT PEOPLE

'CAUSE A LOT OF PEOPLEGET OFFENDED,

OR SO IT HAS BEENEXPLAINED TO ME.

I WAS ONCE--I'LL TELL YOU THIS.

I WAS WRITING FORAN AWARDS SHOW ONCE,

AND I GOT INTO SOME TROUBLE.

I WROTE A JOKEFOR THIS AWARDS SHOW

THAT HAD THE WORD "MIDGET"IN IT.

AND SOMEONE FROM THE NETWORKCAME DOWN TO OUR OFFICES

AND HE SAID TO ME,

"HEY, YOU CAN'T PUT THE WORD'MIDGET' ON TV."

AND I SAID,"I SURE WOULD LIKE TO."

AND HE SAID, "NO, 'MIDGET'IS AS BAD AS THE N-WORD."

FIRST OFF, NO.

NO, IT'S NOT.

"DO YOU KNOW HOW I KNOWIT'S NOT," I SAID TO HIM,

"IS BECAUSE WE'RE SAYINGTHE WORD 'MIDGET'

"AND WE'RE NOT EVEN SAYINGWHAT THE N-WORD IS.

"IF YOU'RE COMPARINGTHE BADNESS OF TWO WORDS,

"AND YOU WON'T EVEN SAYONE OF THEM...

THAT'S THE WORSE WORD."

I DON'T MEAN TO COMPLAINABOUT CENSORSHIP AT ALL, THOUGH,

BECAUSE AS YOU PROBABLYHAVE SEEN BY NOW,

YOU CAN BASICALLY SAYWHATEVER YOU WANT ON TELEVISION.

IT'S RIDICULOUS.

YOU CAN SAY ANYTHING YOU WANT.

AND IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME,

YOU SHOULD WATCHA LITTLE PROGRAM CALLED

LAW & ORDER: SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT.

YEAH.

A SHOW THAT I LOVE.

BECAUSE ON THAT SHOW,YOU CAN SAY THE GROSSEST THINGS

YOU'VE EVER HEARDIN YOUR LIFE.

NO, YOU CAN'T SAY LIKETHE F-WORD.

YOU CAN'T SAY THATON SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT.

BUT PEOPLE WALK AROUND ON SVUGOING LIKE,

"LOOKS LIKE THE VICTIM HADANAL CONTUSIONS.

"YO, LOOKS LIKE WE FOUND SEMENAND FECAL MATTER

IN THE VICTIM'S EAR CANAL."

THOSE ARE TWO REAL THINGSTHAT I HEARD

ON LAW & ORDER: SVUAT 3:00 IN THE AFTERNOON,

BOTH SPOKEN BY ICE-T.

ICE-T IS A DETECTIVEWITH THE SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT.

HE HANDLES NEW YORK'SMOST SENSITIVE CASES.

I LOVE ICE-T ON SVU.HE IS FANTASTIC.

HE'S AWESOME.

WHAT'S SO GREAT ABOUT HIM

IS THAT HE'S BEEN WITH THE SVUFOR LIKE, MM, 11 YEARS NOW.

BUT HE STILL TREATS EVERY CASELIKE IT'S HIS FIRST

IN TERMS OF TOTAL CONFUSION.

SOMETIMES THEY'LL BE INTHE MIDDLE OF AN INVESTIGATION

AND ICE-T WILL BE LIKE,"YO, YOU TELLING ME THIS DUDE

GETS OFF ON LITTLE GIRLSWITH PIGTAILS?"

IT'S LIKE, "YEAH, ICE.

"HE'S A PEDOPHILE.

"YOU WORK IN THE SEX CRIMESDIVISION.

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO GETUSED TO THAT."

YOU KNOW HOW THEY TRYAND TIE IN, LIKE, CURRENT EVENTS

TO EVERY EPISODE OF SVU?

SO THERE WAS THIS EPISODEI SAW A WHILE AGO

THAT WAS ABOUT SEX ADDICTION.

'CAUSE A LOT OF CELEBRITIESHAVE COME OUT AS SEX ADDICTS.

SO THE EPISODE'S ABOUTSEX ADDICTION.

THERE IS A SCENE IN THE EPISODEWHERE THE OTHER DETECTIVES

ARE TRYING TO TEACH ICE-TWHAT SEX ADDICTION IS,

AND IT TAKES A COUPLEOF MINUTES.

AND FINALLY, ICE-T GETS IT.

AND THEY CUT TO HIMIN THIS CLOSE-UP

AND HE GOES,"OH, I GET IT.

"YOU MEAN LIKE WHEN SOMEONEDRINKS TOO MUCH...

OR SNORTS COCAINE...OR BETSTHE HOUSE ON THE PONIES?"

I WAS LIKE,"YEAH, YOU GOT IT, MAN,"

AND I WAS PSYCHEDTHAT ICE-T UNDERSTOOD

SO THAT THEY COULD CONTINUEWITH THE INVESTIGATION.

BUT I COULD'VE WATCHEDANOTHER FOUR HOURS

OF ICE-T JUST NAMINGEXAMPLES.

JUST THAT CLOSE-UPAND ICE-T LIKE,

"OR LIKE WHEN SOMEONE SMOKESTOO MANY CIGARETTES?

"OR LIKE WHEN SOMEONE SHOPSTOO MUCH WITH CREDIT CARDS?

"OR LIKE WHEN SOMEONE PLAYSTOO MANY SCRATCHY LOTTERIES?

"OR LIKE WHEN SOMEONEEATS TOO MUCH CHOCOLATE CAKE?

"OR LIKE WHEN EATS TOO MUCHCHOCOLATE CAKE

AND THEN BARFS IT UP?"

AND HE WOULD JUST KEEP TALKINGAND IT WOULD SLOWLY FADE OUT

AND SAY, "EXECUTIVE PRODUCERDICK WOLF."

THAT'D BE MY IDEAL EPISODE.THAT'D BE A GOOD ONE.

I ALSO WATCH THE SHOW CALLED COLD CASE FILES.

ON COLD CASE FILES,THEY SOLVE OLD MURDERS

AND IT'S REALLY INTERESTING.

'CAUSE WHAT I LEARN FROM ITIS THAT IT WAS REALLY EASY

TO GET AWAY WITH MURDERBEFORE THEY KNEW ABOUT DNA.

IT WAS RIDICULOUSLY EASY.

LIKE, WHAT WAS EVEN GOING ONBACK THEN?

WHAT WAS A MURDER INVESTIGATIONLIKE IN 1935?

ONE COP WOULD JUST WALK INAND BE LIKE, "DETECTIVE,

WE FOUND A POOL OF THAT KILLER'SBLOOD IN THAT HALLWAY."

AND HE WOULD JUST BE LIKE,"HMM, GROSS.

"MOP IT UP.

"NOW THEN, BACK TO MY HUNCH.

"HMM...

"LOOK FOR CLUES.

"I'LL TELL YOU WHAT WE'LL DO.

"WE'LL DRAW CHALKAROUND WHERE THE BODY IS.

THAT WAY,WE'LL KNOW WHERE IT WAS."

A COUPLE YEARS AGO, I SAWTHIS MOVIE CALLED PUBLIC ENEMIES

WITH JOHNNY DEPP.

IT WAS ABOUT OLD BANK ROBBERSAND STUFF.

HERE'S HOW EASY IT WASTO GET AWAY WITH BANK ROBBERY

BACK IN THE '30S.

AS LONG AS YOUWEREN'T STILL THERE

WHEN THE POLICE ARRIVED,

YOU HAD A 99% CHANCEOF GETTING AWAY WITH IT.

TO THE POINT THAT, LIKE,THOSE OLD BANK ROBBERS,

THEY TAKE CREDITFOR THE BANK ROBBERIES.

LIKE, THEY COMERUNNING OUT OF THERE

AND THEY'RE LIKE,"HA, HA, HA!

"AND IF ANYONE ASKS,YOU TELL 'EM IT WAS GOLDEN JOE

AND THE SUGGINS GANG!"

AND THEN THEY LIKESHOOT "SUGGINS"

INTO THE SIDE OF THE WALL.

IT'S LIKE, WHAT?WERE BULLETS FREE BACK THEN?

AND THEY DON'T EVENDISGUISE THEMSELVES.

THEY DRESS UPFOR THE BANK ROBBERY.

THEY'RE ROLLING IN THEREIN, LIKE, BIG SUITS AND HATS

LIKE THEY'RE GOING TO CHURCHIN ATLANTA.

THEY MAKE A DAY OF IT.

I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND NOWMYSELF

WHICH IS WEIRD BECAUSE I'MPROBABLY GAY BASED ON THE WAY

I ACT AND BEHAVE, AND...

I'VE WALKEDAND TALKED FOR 28 YEARS.

I THINK I WAS SUPPOSEDTO BE GAY.

I THINK LIKE IN HEAVEN THEYBUILT, LIKE, 3/4 OF A GAY PERSON

AND THEN THEY FORGOT TO FLIPTHE FINAL SWITCH,

AND THEY JUST SENT ME OUTAND IT WAS LIKE,

"YOU MARKED THAT ONE GAY,RIGHT?

AND IT WAS LIKE,"OH, NO! WAS I SUPPOSED TO?"

AND THEY WERE LIKE,"OH, MAN.

"THIS'LL BE A VERYINTERESTING PERSON.

THIS'LL BEA VERY SILLY PERSON."

I WAS DEFINITELY GAYWHEN I WAS A LITTLE BOY.

A LOT OF LITTLE BOYS ARE GAY.

YOU KNOW, THEY'RE VERY FLOWY

AND THEY HAVE HARD OPINIONSON THINGS.

I DON'T MEAN THAT I WASA SEXUALLY ACTIVE GAY MAN

WHEN I WAS A LITTLE BOY,THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEAN.

WHEN I WAS A LITTLE BOY,I WAS MORE LIKE A 67-YEAR-OLD

GAY MAN THAT'S KINDA OVER IT,SEXUALLY, YOU KNOW.

I WAS JUST LIKEAN OLD QUEEN.

I WOULD COME OUTOF THE RECESS YARD AND BE LIKE,

"EVERYONE GET OUTTA MY WAY.

I JUST WANNA SIT HEREAND FEED MY BIRDS."

THE GYM TEACHER WOULD TELL METO PLAY KICKBALL

AND I'D BE LIKE,"YOU WANT ME TO DO WHAT?"

REAL QUICK,THIS HAPPENED PRETTY RECENTLY.

I WAS IN A RESTAURANTNEAR HERE IN THE WEST VILLAGE,

AND I WAS AT THE URINALAND AN OLD GAY MAN

CAME IN THE BATHROOMWITH A WALKER LIKE THIS.

AND HE SAID THIS TO ME.

HE WENT, "I'M EITHER HAVINGA DRINK OR I HAVE TO PEE.

YOU'RE LIVING THE GOLDEN YEARS,KID, NOT ME."

LIKE HE SPOKE IN RHYMES.IT WAS CRAZY.

IT WAS SUCH A WEIRD INTERACTIONTHAT I WASN'T SURE

IF IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED.

I CAME OUT OF THE BATHROOMAND I ASKED MY GIRLFRIEND.

I WAS LIKE,"DID YOU SEE LIKE AN OLD MAN

FOLLOW ME IN THE BATHROOM?"

AND SHE WAS LIKE, "JOHN,THAT BATHROOM'S BEEN CLOSED

"FOR 40 YEARS.

WHOOOOA! WHOOOOA!"

WHERE WAS I?I'M NOT GAY, BUT I MIGHT BE.

AND I HAVE A GIRLFRIENDAND SHE'S A FEMALE PERSON.

IT'S GOING VERY WELL.I LOVE HER VERY MUCH.

AND SO A FEW MONTHS AGO,SHE WAS LIKE,

"OKAY, IT'S GOING WELL, SO NOWI SHOULD MEET YOUR PARENTS."

BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE DOWHEN A RELATIONSHIP

IS GOING WELL.

THEY MEET EACH OTHER'SPARENTS.

AND I'VE NEVERUNDERSTOOD THAT.

I'VE NEVER BEENWITH MY GIRLFRIEND

AND THOUGHT LIKE,"OH, HONEY,

"TONIGHT IS GOING GREAT.

"BUT DO YOU KNOW WHAT WOULDMAKE IT PERFECT?

CHARLES AND ELLEN MULANEY."

COME ON!

LET'S GET THEM IN THE MIX.

WE'VE BEEN GOING PRETTYHOT AND HEAVY LATELY,

I THINK IT'S TIME WE BRING INTWO OLDER CATHOLIC PEOPLE.

MY GIRLFRIEND'S A FEMALE, ANDTHEN I HAD ALL THESE FRIENDS

THAT ARE FEMALE.

SO WHEN I STARTED DATING HER,I WAS LIKE,

"OH, GREAT,THEY'LL ALL GET ALONG."

NO.

NOT EVEN A LITTLEAT THE BEGINNING.

I DON'T WANNA MAKEANY GENERALIZATIONS ABOUT WOMEN

'CAUSE I DON'T KNOW [bleep]ABOUT WOMEN.

BUT THIS ONE THINGI'VE NOTICED

IN MY OWN PERSONAL EXPERIENCEIS THAT

I THINK WOMEN CAN BE FRIENDSWITH EACH OTHER,

BUT I THINK IT CAN BETRICKY SOMETIMES

WHEN YOU TRY AND FORCE WOMENTO HANG OUT WITH EACH OTHER.

I THINK THAT SOMETIMESDOESN'T WORK.

LIKE, I DON'T THINK--

LIKE, YOU COULD NEVERPUT TOGETHER A HEIST OF WOMEN.

DOES THAT MAKE SENSE?

LIKE OCEAN'S ELEVEN WITH WOMENWOULDN'T WORK.

'CAUSE TWO WOULD KEEPBREAKING OFF

TO TALK [bleep]ABOUT THE OTHER NINE.

OR NOT EVEN TALK [bleep],

JUST SAY WEIRDPASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE THINGS

WHILE THEY BREAKINTO THE CASINO.

JUST BE LIKE, "OH, I LOVEHOW YOU JUST WEAR ANYTHING."

MY GIRLFRIEND'S WONDERFUL,THOUGH.

I LISTEN TO EVERYTHINGMY GIRLFRIEND SAYS.

I DON'T MEANSHE BOSSES ME AROUND.

I JUST LISTEN TO EVERYTHINGSHE SAYS

BECAUSE, BEFOREI HAD A GIRLFRIEND,

I NEVER HAD SOMEONE WHO'SALWAYS STANDING NEXT TO ME

WHO CAN JUST POINT OUT OBVIOUSTHINGS THAT ARE HAPPENING.

LIKE, WE'LL BEIN A RESTAURANT,

AND MY GIRLFRIENDWILL BE LIKE,

"YOU ORDERED YOUR FOODAN HOUR AGO.

IT SHOULD BE HERE BY NOW."

AND I'M LIKE,"YEAH, IT SHOULD!"

IT'S LIKE HAVING A LAWYERFOR EVERYDAY LIFE.

SHE'LL BE LIKE,"THE BUS DRIVER SHOULDN'T TALK

TO YOU THAT WAY."

AND I'M LIKE,"NO, HE SHOULDN'T!"

BEFORE I HAD A GIRLFRIEND,

I HAD NO STANDARDFOR HOW I SHOULD BE TREATED

AS A HUMAN BEING.

YOU COULD DO ANYTHING TO ME.

I WAS JUST LIKEA YOUNG MOTOWN SINGER.

I WAS JUST SHINY AND DUMBAND EASY TO TRICK.

I WAS LIKE, "OH, MAN,YOU GONNA GIVE ME A WHOLE $100

"FOR ALL OF MY SONGS?

WHERE DO I SIGN,MR. BERRY GORDY?"

AND NOW WHEN I'M NOTWITH MY GIRLFRIEND,

YOU CAN STILL DOANYTHING TO ME.

I WILL TOLERATEANY TREATMENT.

LIKE, I TRAVEL ALONESOMETIMES, YOU KNOW.

AND I'LL PUT UPWITH ANYTHING.

LIKE, I'LL BOOK A TICKETON SOME GARBAGE AIRLINE.

YOU KNOW, I DON'T WANNA NAMEAN ACTUAL AIRLINE,

SO LET'S JUST MAKE ONE UP.

LET'S CALL IT LIKEDELTA AIRLINES.

SO I'LL BOOK A TICKETON DELTA AIRLINES.

AND I'LL SHOW UPAT THE AIRPORT.

AND I GO, "CAN I GETON THE PLANE NOW, PLEASE?"

AND THEY GO,"NO, IT'S DELAYED NINE HOURS."

[spits]

AND I GO, "OKAY."AND THEN I GO TO THE BATHROOM.

AND THEN I COME OUTOF THE BATHROOM,

AND I GO, "ANY UPDATES?"AND THEY GO, "YEAH.

"WE TOOK OFF WHILE YOU WEREIN THE BATHROOM...

"BECAUSE WE HATE YOU.

"NOW TAKE THIS MEAL VOUCHERTHAT DOESN'T WORK.

GO, FETCH!"

AND I GO, "OKAY."

AND I GO OVER TOTHE WOLFGANG PUCK EXPRESS

AND I GO, "CAN I HAVEA SANDWICH PLEASE?"

AND THEY GO, "NO!"

AND I GO, "OKAY."

AND THEY GO, "YOU'REA LITTLE FAT GIRL, AREN'T YOU?"

AND I GO, "NO."AND THEY GO, "SAY IT!"

AND I GO,"I'M A LITTLE FAT GIRL."

AND THEN I GO OVERTO THE DELTA HELP DESK

WHICH IS AN OXYMORONAND I GO,

"CAN I PLEASE GO HOMEON AN AIRPLANE?"

AND THEY GO, "NO.

"IN FACT, WE'RE GONNA FRAME YOUFOR MURDER.

AND YOU'RE GONNA GO TO JAILFOR 30 YEARS."

AND I GO, "WHY ARE YOUDOING THIS TO ME?"

AND THEY GO, "♪ BECAUSEWE'RE DELTA AIRLINES ♪

♪ AND LIFE ISA [bleep] NIGHTMARE ♪"

BUT WITH MY GIRLFRIENDSHE WOULD JUST BE LIKE,

"LET'S SEE IF SOUTHWESTHAS ANY FLIGHTS."

SO IT'S BETTER.

MY GIRLFRIENDIS A JEWISH WOMAN.

WHICH IS--I DID ON PURPOSE.

UH, THAT SOUNDED CREEPY.

I DON'T MEAN LIKE"AH, I GOT ONE!"

I MEAN LIKE I--UH, I AM NOT JEWISH.

BUT I'VE ALWAYS REALLY LIKEDJEWISH PEOPLE.

I JUST LIKE THEM A LOT,

AND I REALLY LIKEDATING JEWISH WOMEN.

THEY'RE GREAT.

BECAUSE, LIKE, I THINK A LOTOF PROBLEMS

THAT PEOPLE HAVEIN RELATIONSHIPS

ARE WITH COMMUNICATION

'CAUSE GUYS DON'T KNOWWHAT WOMEN ARE THINKING.

AND WITH JEWISH WOMEN,

YOU DO NOT HAVE TO GUESSWHAT THEY ARE THINKING.

THEY WILL TELL YOU.

YEAH, THIS IS GONNA GETPLAYFULLY ANTI-SEMITIC,

SO JUST ALLOW IT TO GO THERE.

ALLOW--I'LL GET IN TROUBLE.YOU WON'T.

I REALLY DO MEAN THIS,THOUGH.

I REALLY ADMIRETHAT JEWISH PEOPLE,

IN MY OWN PERSONALEXPERIENCE,

HAVE--ARE VERY, LIKE, UPFRONTWITH THEIR FEELINGS.

YOU KNOW, THEY'RE VERY VOCAL

ABOUT THEIR THOUGHTSAND FEELINGS.

AND I THINK THAT'SREALLY ADMIRABLE.

YOU KNOW, I'M IRISH.

AND IRISH PEOPLE,THEY DON'T TELL YOU A THING.

IRISH PEOPLE KEEP ITSO BOTTLED UP.

YOU KNOW, LIKE, THE PLANWITH IRISH PEOPLE IS LIKE,

I'LL KEEP ALL MY EMOTIONSRIGHT HERE.

AND THEN ONE DAY, I'LL DIE.

IRISH PEOPLEDON'T WANT COMFORT.

LOOK AT A SWEATERMADE IN IRELAND.

IT'S LIKE A TURTLENECKMADE OUT OF BRILLO PADS.

I USED TO DATEGENTILE WOMEN AND--THEY--

I DATED THIS GIRL.

SHE'D JUST STAREOUT THE WINDOW ALL DAY LONG.

AND I'D BE LIKE,"WHAT'S WRONG?"

SHE'D BE LIKE, "YOU WOULDN'TEVEN UNDERSTAND IF I TOLD YOU."

WHAT THE [bleep] AM I SUPPOSEDTO DO WITH THAT?

MY JEWISH GIRLFRIEND, I DON'THAVE TO GUESS WHAT'S WRONG.

SHE COMES IN THE ROOM ANDSHE'S LIKE, "MY STOMACH HURTS!"

AND THEN WE CANMOVE ON FROM THERE.

THAT'S WHAT I MEAN.SHE'S VERY FOCUSED.

SHE'S VERY IN THE MOMENT,YOU KNOW.

AND THAT'S A GOOD THINGIN A SIGNIFICANT OTHER.

SHE'S VERY PRESENT.

JEWS DON'T DAYDREAM,'CAUSE FOLKS ARE AFTER 'EM

AND THEY GOTTA STAY SHARP,YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

THEY HAVE TO BE THERE.

THEY HAVEN'T LET THEIR MINDSWANDER SINCE EGYPT.

THEY JUST STAY SHARP.

THEY GO, "WHO'S THAT?WHO ARE YOU?

WHAT'S THAT?PUT THAT DOWN."

I'M IRISH.

I KEEP THINGS VERY BOTTLED UP,AND I DON'T DRINK.

WHICH IS NOT WHATYOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO

WHEN YOU'RE IRISH.

I DON'T DRINK.

I USED TO DRINKAND THEN I DRANK TOO MUCH

AND I HAD TO STOP.

THAT SURPRISES A LOTOF AUDIENCES

BECAUSE I DON'T LOOK LIKESOMEONE WHO USED TO DO ANYTHING.

I LOOK LIKE I WAS JUST SITTINGIN A ROOM IN A CHAIR

EATING SALTINESFOR LIKE 28 YEARS

AND THEN I WALKEDRIGHT OUT HERE.

NOW I, MYSELF--I QUIT DRINKING

'CAUSE I USED TO DRINKTOO MUCH

AND THEN I WOULD BLACK OUTAND I WOULD "RUIN PARTIES."

SO I WOULD HEAR STORIESABOUT MYSELF.

HERE'S A STORYI ONCE HEARD ABOUT ME.

I GUESS I WAS 20 AND I WASAT A PARTY AT SOMEONE'S HOUSE

AND I HAD BLACKED OUTDRINKING,

AND SOMEONE CAME OUT OF ONEOF THE ROOMS AT THIS PARTY

HOLDING LIKEAN OLD ANTIQUE BOTTLE

WITH SOME LIQUID IN IT,AND THEY SAID,

"HEY, IS THIS WHISKEYOR PERFUME?"

AND APPARENTLY I GRABBED IT,DRANK ALL OF IT,

AND SAID, "IT'S PERFUME."

AND IT WAS.

ANOTHER STORYI HEARD ABOUT MYSELF--

THIS ONE HAPPENEDIN HIGH SCHOOL.

WE HAD THIS TEACHERIN HIGH SCHOOL

WHOSE KID WENTTO OUR HIGH SCHOOL.

HIS NAME WAS MR. MCNAMARAAND HIS SON JAKE MCNAMARA

WENT TO OUR HIGH SCHOOL.

HE WAS A SOPHOMOREWHEN I WAS A SENIOR.

SO HE WAS TWO YEARSBEHIND ME.

AND MR. MCNAMARAWAS AN ASS[bleep].

AND ONE WEEKEND,HE AND HIS WIFE

DECIDED TO LEAVE TOWN,

WHICH YOU SHOULD NEVER DOIF YOU'RE AN ASS[bleep].

AND JAKE MCNAMARADECIDED TO THROW A PARTY

AT THE TEACHER'S HOUSE.HOORAY!

AND EVERYONE AROUND TOWNHEARD ABOUT IT

AND WE ALL GOT UP INDIVIDUALLYAND THOUGHT,

"OKAY, LET'S GO OVER THEREAND DESTROY THE PLACE."

I WALKED INTO THIS PARTY.

EVERYONE I HAD EVER METWAS THERE.

AND EVERYONE WAS DRINKING LIKEIT WAS THE END OF THE WORLD.

PEOPLE WERE DRINKING LIKEIT WAS THE CIVIL WAR

AND A DOCTOR WAS COMINGTO SAW OUR LEGS OFF.

IT WAS TOTALLY UNSUPERVISED.

WE WERE LIKE DOGSWITHOUT HORSES.

WE WERE RUNNING WILD.

I WALKED DOWN--

I WALKED DOWN TO THE BASEMENT.

THEY HAD A POOL TABLEIN THE BASEMENT.

ONE DUDE TOOK A RUNNING START

AND THREW HIS BODY ONTOTHE POOL TABLE

AND BROKE IT IN HALF.

ANOTHER KID FOUND OUTWHICH ROOM WAS MR. MCNAMARA'S

AND WENT UPSTAIRS AND TOOKA [bleep] ON HIS COMPUTER.

SO THE PARTY WAS GOING GREAT.

I'M STANDING IN THE BASEMENT,

AND I'M HOLDING A RED CUPYOU SEE IN MOVIES.

AND I'M STANDING THEREAND I'M HOLDING A RED CUP

AND I'M STARTING TO BLACK OUTAND I GUESS SOMEONE SAID LIKE

"SOMETHING SOMETHING POLICE."

AND IN A BRILLIANT MOMENTOF WORD ASSOCIATION,

I YELLED "[bleep] DA POLICE!

[bleep] DA POLICE!"

AND EVERYONE ELSE JOINED IN.

100 DRUNK WHITE CHILDREN

YELLING"[bleep]...DA...PO-LICE"

WITH THE CONFIDENCE OF GUYSWHO HAVE ALREADY BEEN TO JAIL

AND AREN'T AFRAID OF ITANYMORE.

YOU KNOW THAT LIKE"I SERVED MY NICKEL!

YOU COME AND TAKE ME"CONFIDENCE.

BUT WHITE CHILDREN.

THE REASON SOMEONE HAD SAID"SOMETHING SOMETHING POLICE"

WAS BECAUSE THE POLICEWERE THERE.

SO A CHICAGO POLICE OFFICERWALKED DOWN THE STAIRS

AND GOT TO THE BOTTOMIN THE BASEMENT

AND LOOKED OUT OVER A SEAOF DRUNK TODDLERS

YELLING "[bleep] THE POLICE"IN HIS FACE.

AND HE WAS ALMOST IMPRESSED.

HE WAS LIKE[whispering] "WOW."

AND THEN HE LEANEDINTO HIS WALKIE-TALKIE

AND WENT "GET THE PADDY WAGON."

AND MY FRIEND JOHN,WHO IS NOW A FATHER--

THIS MAN NOW HAS A BABY--

HE GRABBED A 40,SMASHED IT ON THE GROUND,

AND YELLED "SCATTER!"

AND EVERYONE RANIN A DIFFERENT DIRECTION.

WE ALL RAN IN DIFFERENTDIRECTIONS.

IT WAS LIKE THAT SCENEIN RATATOUILLE

WHEN THE HUMANS COMEIN THE KITCHEN

AND ALL THE RATSGO IN DIFFERENT WAYS.

WE ALL RAN IN DIFFERENTDIRECTIONS.

I RAN INTO THE LAUNDRY ROOM

AND I JUMPED UPON THE WASHING MACHINE

AND I CRAWLED OUT THROUGHA WINDOW INTO THE BACKYARD

AND NOW I'M RUNNINGTHROUGH THE BACKYARD

AND THERE WAS THISBIG CHAIN LINK FENCE

AND I THOUGHT I'VE NEVER CLIMBEDA FENCE THAT HIGH BEFORE.

AND THEN I WOKE UP AT HOME.

ON MONDAY, I WENT TO SCHOOL.

BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT WE DIDBACK THEN.

AND I'M WALKINGINTO THE SCHOOL BUILDING

AND WHO DO I SEEBUT JAKE MCNAMARA.

AND HE SAYS TO ME

"HEY, WERE YOU AT MY PARTYON SATURDAY?"

AND I SAID "NO."YOU KNOW, LIKE A LIAR.

AND HE SAID"THINGS GOT REALLY OUTTA HAND.

"SOMEONE BROKE THE POOL TABLE.

"SOMEONE TOOK A [bleep]ON MY DAD'S COMPUTER.

BUT THE WORST THING"HE SAYS--

"THE WORST THING IS THATSOMEONE STOLE THESE OLD

"ANTIQUE PHOTOSOF MY GRANDMOTHER

AND MY PARENTS AREFREAKING OUT ABOUT IT."

AND I HAD THAT THOUGHT

THAT ONLY BLACKOUT DRUNKSAND STEVE URKEL CAN HAVE.

DID I DO THAT?

I FIGURED NO,I WOULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT.

BUT I WAS NEVER SURE,UNTIL TWO YEARS LATER--

RELAX.

I'M PLAYING VIDEO GAMESWITH THIS KID NAMED ALEX

THAT WE ALSO WENTTO HIGH SCHOOL WITH.

TWO YEARS LATER,WE'VE GRADUATED BY NOW.

WE'RE PLAYING VIDEO GAMESFOR A COUPLE HOURS,

AND THEN ALEX SAYS TO ME,"HEY, COME HERE.

I WANNA SHOW YOU SOMETHING."

AND HE TAKES MEINTO HIS BEDROOM

AND THEN HE TAKES MEINTO A SIDE ROOM

OFF OF HIS BEDROOM.

NEVER A GOOD THINGTO HAVE.

HE SHOWS ME A TINY ROOMTHAT IS COVERED WALL TO WALL

IN STOLEN ANTIQUE PHOTOSFROM DIFFERENT PEOPLE'S PARTIES

OVER THE YEARS.

AND I SAID "WHY?

WHY DO YOU DO THIS?"

AND ALEX SAID

"BECAUSE IT'S THE ONE THINGYOU CAN'T REPLACE."

THAT'S THE END OF THAT STORY,

BUT HOW [bleep]ED-UP IS THAT,RIGHT?

THAT'S CRAZY.

SO I DON'T DRINK ANYMORE.

I'M TRYING TO EAT BETTER.

I WAS OUT TO LUNCH WITH A FRIENDAND I GOT A CHICKEN SANDWICH.

AND THE WAITRESS SAID TO ME,

"OH, YOU'RE GETTINGA CHICKEN SANDWICH.

WELL, THAT COMES WITH A CHOICEOF EITHER SALAD OR FRIES."

THOSE WERE THE CHOICES--SALAD OR FRIES.

THE TWO MOST DIFFERENT FOODSIN THE UNIVERSE.

THAT'S LIKE SAYING WHAT KINDADAY DO YOU WANNA HAVE?

DO YOU WANNA BE ACTIVE AND GOTO THE BATHROOM AND STUFF?

OR DO YOU WANNA LAYON THE FLOOR MOANING?

"OH, YOU'RE GETTINGA CHICKEN SANDWICH?

"WELL, WITH THAT,YOU CAN EITHER GO FOR A JOG

OR SMOKE CRACK COCAINE."

"OH, HUH, WELL...

"IF I GOT A PLATE OF CRACKFOR THE TABLE,

"WOULD YOU HAVE SOME?

"YOU'D HAVE CRACKIF I GOT A PLATE OF CRACK?

YEAH, OKAY. YEAH, WE'LL TAKEAN ORDER OF CRACK."

SOMETIMES WHEN PEOPLEORDER FRIES,

THEY ACT LIKEIT'S A LITTLE ADVENTURE.

THEY'LL BE LIKE "SHOULD WE GETA PLATE OF FRIES FOR THE TABLE?

"SHOULD WE DO IT?

SHOULD WE SHARE SOME FRIES?"

THEY GOTTA MAKE SURE THATEVERYONE'S ONBOARD WITH IT.

IT'S LIKE, "IF I GET FRIES,YOU'LL HAVE A COUPLE, RIGHT?

"IF I GET FRIES FOR THE TABLE,YOU'LL HAVE--

"I KNOW YOU'LL HAVE FRIESIF I GET FRIES.

"SHOULD WE DO IT?YEAH, LET'S BE BAD.

"COME ON, LET'S DO IT.ALL RIGHT.

WE'RE GONNA TAKE A PLATEOF FRIES."

IT'S LIKE A GROUP OF COUPLESAGREEING TO DO ECSTASY TOGETHER.

I LIVE IN NEW YORK NOW.

AND SOMETIMES YOU SEE THINGSTHAT CAN MAKE YOU ANXIOUS.

YOU'LL SEE TROUBLING THINGSOUT ON THE STREET.

YEARS AGO, I WAS WALKINGDOWN THE STREET

AND A HOMELESS GUYCAME UP TO ME

AND HE WALKED UP TO MEAND HE PUSHED ME LIKE THAT.

HE PUSHED ME IN THE CHEST.

AND THEN HE SAIDTHESE THINGS IN THIS ORDER.

PUSHED ME AND HE SAID"EXCUSE ME, I AM HOMELESS.

"I AM GAY.I HAVE AIDS.

I'M NEW IN TOWN."

YOU'RE GONNA CLOSE WITH"NEW IN TOWN"?

THAT IS NOT THE MOST DRAMATICTHING THAT YOU JUST SAID.

AS THEY SAY IN THE MOVIE JERRY MAGUIRE,

"YOU HAD ME AT AIDS."

HERE'S HOW I WOULD'VEORDERED THOSE THINGS.

I WOULD'VE SAID"EXCUSE ME.

I'M NEW IN TOWNAND IT GETS WORSE."

DIDN'T THAT GUY PRACTICEHIS PITCH AT ALL

IN THE MIRROR THAT MORNING

AND JUST FIGURE OUTWHAT HE WAS GONNA SAY?

JUST LIKE IN THE MORNINGJUST BE LIKE,

"ALL RIGHT,WHAT AM I GONNA DO TODAY?

"WHAT I'M GONNA DO?

"I'LL WALK UP AND SAY HELLO.NO, THAT'S TOO SUBTLE.

I'M GONNA PUSH HIM."

"I'M GONNA PUSH HIM.

"AND I'M GONNA SAY,'I'M NEW IN TOWN.'

"NO, NO, HOLD BACK.HOLD BACK.

SAVE IT.BUILD TO THAT."

I'LL BE LIKE,I'LL WALK UP TO HIM,

I'LL PUSH HIM.

I'LL GO, "I HAVE AIDS."

NO, THAT'S TOO STRONG.

ALL RIGHT.

I'LL WALK UP TO HIMAND--AND I'LL PUSH HIM.

I WILL START WITH THE FACTTHAT I AM HOMELESS,

AS THAT IS A GIVEN.

THEN, FOR A BACK STORY,

I WILL PEPPER IN THE FACTTHAT I AM GAY.

WHICH I KNOW, IT'S TOUGHFOR GAY YOUTHS ON THE STREET,

BUT THAT'S NOT, LIKE,A REASON FOR MONEY.

YOU CAN'T BE LIKE,"HEY, WOULD YOU HELP ME OUT?

I'M VERY GAY.I'D LIKE A FEW DOLLARS."

I ALWAYS LOVE HOWHE PHRASED IT, BY THE WAY.

HE DIDN'T SAY,"I'M LIVING ON THE STREET."

HE SAID, "I'M NEW IN TOWN,"

LIKE IT WAS INTRIGUING.

LIKE HE WANTED ME TOSET HIM UP WITH SOMEBODY.

LIKE I HAVE A FRIENDWHO'S LIKE,

"THERE'S NO SINGLE GUYSLEFT IN MANHATTAN."

AND I'M LIKE, "I KNOW SOMEONEWHO'S NEW IN TOWN."

"WHAT ARE THREE OTHER THINGSABOUT HIM?"

JUST TOO ANXIOUSFOR A LOT OF THINGS.

I GET VERY NERVOUSALL THE TIME,

NOT EVEN ABOUT, LIKE,MAJOR LIFE THINGS.

JUST, LIKE, ABOUT INEVERYDAY SITUATIONS.

LIKE, THIS IS MY REGULARSPEAKING VOICE,

BUT IF I'M INA PUBLIC BATHROOM

AND SOMEONE KNOCKS TOO SUDDENLYON THE STALL DOOR,

I GO INTO A WHOLE DIFFERENTSPEAKING VOICE,

WHICH IS,"SOMEONE'S IN HERE.

SOMEONE'S IN HERE,"SO THEY'RE GONNA BE LIKE,

"I THINK THERE'S A CARNIVALBARKER IN THERE.

"I THINK SOMEONE'STRYING TO DRUM UP BUSINESS

FOR A CARNIVAL."

I DECIDED TO DO SOMETHINGABOUT ALL THIS ANXIETY.

RECENTLY I DECIDEDI WAS GONNA TRY AND GET

A XANAX PRESCRIPTION.

I DON'T KNOW IF ANYONE HEREHAS EVER TRIED XANAX,

BUT IT'S FANTASTIC.

VERY MUTED CLAPSFOR XANAX.

YOU DON'T REALLYGET "WHOOS."

IT'S MORE LIKE,"YEEEEEAAAAAH."

I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO GETA XANAX PRESCRIPTION, THOUGH.

DRUGS LIKE THATARE TRICKY SOMETIMES.

BUT I TALKED TO A FRIENDOF MINE, AND HE SAID,

"HEY, I DID THIS."

HE SAID THAT HE HAD A REGULARDOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT,

AND AT THE END OF IT,HE SAID TO HIS DOCTOR,

"HEY, DOCTOR, SOMETIMESI GET NERVOUS ON AIRPLANES,"

AND THE DOCTOR JUST WROTE HIMA XANAX PRESCRIPTION.

AND I WAS LIKE, "YEAH, THAT'STHE TYPE OF LOWBROW [bleep]

"I'M LOOKING FOR.

I'LL TAKE YOUR ADVICE, FRIENDI'VE NEVER LISTENED TO BEFORE."

SO I GO TO A CLINICAND I GO IN,

AND I'M JUST GONNA GO IN FOR,YOU KNOW,

A REGULAR TYPE OF CHECKUP,

AND AT THE END,I'LL ASK ABOUT XANAX.

SO I GET TO THE FRONT DESK,

AND THEY HAVE A"WHY ARE YOU HERE?" SHEET.

AND I WANT TO PICK SOMETHING

THAT WILL GET ME IN AND OUTREALLY QUICKLY.

AND I LOOK DOWN AND I SEE"FREQUENT URINATION,"

AND I WAS LIKE, PERFECT.

THAT'LL BE A SUPER QUICKVISIT, YOU KNOW?

I'LL JUST BE LIKE, "HEY,SOMETIMES I PEE A LOT,"

AND THE DOCTOR WILL BELIKE, "ME TOO. CRAZY, RIGHT?"

AND I'LL BE LIKE, "I GETNERVOUS ON AIRPLANES."

SO I CHECKED OFF"FREQUENT URINATION,"

AND I SAT DOWNIN THE WAITING AREA,

AND I WAITEDFOR THREE HOURS.

I FINALLY GO BACK TOTHE OBSERVATION ROOM,

AND--OH,IN THE OBSERVATION ROOM,

THERE IS A MALE NURSESTANDING THERE,

AND HE HAS A BATMAN STICKERON HIS STETHOSCOPE,

A BATMAN NECKLACE,AND A BATMAN WATCH.

HE WAS KIND OF MOVING AROUNDTHE WHOLE TIME.

YOU KNOW, HE WAS JUST LIKE,"ALL RIGHT.

"I AM TOO BLESSEDTO BE STRESSED. LET'S DO IT.

WHAT ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO,BESIDES WORK?"

AND THENHE'D TAKE SOMETHING

AND HE'D THROW ITOVER HIS SHOULDER

AND BE LIKE,"BEATS WORKIN'."

LIKE, ALL OF HIS JOKESWERE VERY ANTI-WORK,

WHICH IS NOT ALWAYSWHAT YOU WANT

FROM A HEALTHCAREPROFESSIONAL.

THE DOCTORCOMES IN THE ROOM,

AND THE DOCTORLOOKS AT MY CHART,

AND HE SAYS, "OH, YOU'RE HEREFOR FREQUENT URINATION.

HOW MANY TIMES A DAYARE YOU URINATING?"

AND I TRIED TO THINKOF A NUMBER

THAT WOULD WARRANTA DOCTOR VISIT,

SO I SAID 11,

AND THAT WASTOO MANY TIMES TO SAY.

THE DOCTOR LOOKS AT MEAND HE SAYS,

"YOU'RE PEEING 11 TIMESA DAY?

"THEN YOU MAY HAVE SOMETHINGWRONG WITH YOUR PROSTATE,

SO WHAT WE NEED TO DO--"

[audience laughter]

SOME OF YOU ARE AHEAD OF ME.

[laughter]

SO I DON'T KNOW EXACTLYHOW HE PHRASED IT,

BUT THE GIST OF IT WAS, "HEY,IF THIS VISIT IS TO CONTINUE,

I'M GOING TO STICK PARTOF MY HAND UP YOUR ASS."

AND I DIDN'T KNOWWHAT TO SAY,

'CAUSE I COULDN'T BE LIKE,"NO, THAT'S OKAY.

"I WAS LYING.

"IT WAS A LIE.

"TO GET DRUGS.

YOU KNOW, LIKE A CRIME."

SO WHAT I DID WAS,I PULLED DOWN MY PANTS

AND I WALKED OVERTO THE OBSERVATION TABLE,

AND I PUT MY HANDS DOWN ON THEOBSERVATION TABLE LIKE THIS--

AND BY THE WAY, PART OF MEWAS LIKE, WHATEVER, YOU KNOW?

YOU KNOW THOSE DAYSWHEN YOU'RE LIKE,

THIS MIGHT AS WELL HAPPEN?

ADULT LIFE IS ALREADYSO GODDAMN WEIRD.

SO I'M BENT OVER LIKE THISON THE TABLE,

AND THE DOCTORCOMES UP BEHIND ME.

HE GOES, "NO, NO, NO,

NOT ON YOUR HANDS.ON YOUR ELBOWS,"

AND HE KNOCKS ME DOWNLIKE THAT.

AND THIS IS SO MUCH WORSETHAN THIS.

I DON'T KNOW WHY.

I THINK IT'S THAT THIS HAS,LIKE,

A LITTLE REMAINING DIGNITYTO IT, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

THIS IS SORT OF LIKE,"OH, STICK IT IN.

I AM AN AMERICAN."

THIS IS LIKE YOU'RE LEANINGOVER THE EDGE OF A CRUISE SHIP

AND YOU'RE LIKE, "AH,WE ARE APPROACHING MARTINIQUE."

BUT HE KNOCKED ME DOWNTO MY ELBOWS,

AND THEN HE STUCK HIS HAND IN

AND, YOU KNOW HOW SOMETIMESYOU'RE LIKE,

"I BET I KNOW WHAT MOST THINGSFEEL LIKE," YOU KNOW?

YOU JUST THINK YOU'LL KNOW.

I DID NOT KNOW WHAT THISWAS GONNA FEEL LIKE.

AND THIS WASTHE ACTUAL SOUND I MADE.

I WENT, "OHHHHHH."

BUT I DIDN'T SAY IT.

LIKE, IT CAME FROMMY VOCAL CORDS,

BUT IT WAS TOTALLYINVOLUNTARY.

IT WAS AS IF A GHOST HAD BEENTRAPPED IN MY BELLY

AND FINALLY FLEW OUTTOWARDS THE LIGHT.

AND THEN...

WHEN HE PULLEDHIS HAND OUT--

WE'VE GOTTEN TO KNOWEACH OTHER PRETTY WELL,

SO I WILL PHRASE THISAS DELICATELY AS I CAN.

I DID NOT REALIZE THAT WHENTHE DOCTOR PULLS HIS HAND OUT,

IT FEELS LIKE YOU'RE [bleep],BECAUSE THE ONLY THING

THAT'S EVER COME OUT OF YOURBUTT BEFORE HAS BEEN [bleep].

SO, HE PULLS HIS HAND OUTAND I THOUGHT

THAT I WAS [bleep]INTO HIS HAND,

SO I YELLED, "I'M SORRY!"

THIS IS A VERY ROUTINEPROCEDURE, BY THE WAY,

FOR MOST DOCTORS,

AND SO FAR, HE'S HAD TODEAL WITH "OHHHHHH!"

AND "I'M SORRY!"

AND HE DIDN'T EVEN LET MEOFF THE HOOK, YOU KNOW?

HE WASN'T LIKE,"AH, DON'T WORRY.

YOU DIDN'T [bleep]INTO MY HAND."

HE JUST THREW HIS GLOVE AWAYAND WAS LIKE, "AHGAHAH."

AND I WAS ABOUT TO ASKABOUT XANAX,

BUT THEN HE SAID, "ALL RIGHT,YOUR PROSTATE'S FINE,

BUT WE STILL NEED TO DOA BLOOD TEST."

SO I PULLED UP MY PANTSAND SHUFFLED AWAY,

FEELING DIFFERENT.

AND HE YELLS OUTINTO THE HALL,

HE GOES, "HEY, WE'RE DOINGA BLOOD TEST. GET IN HERE."

AND BATMAN DANCES BACK IN,AND HE'S LIKE,

"ALL RIGHT. WE'RE GONNADO A BLOOD TEST.

YOU LOOK DIFFERENT.LET'S DO IT."

THE DOCTOR LEFT THE ROOM,SO I'M ALONE WITH BATMAN.

I JUST NEED THIS BLOOD TESTTO BE OVER, OKAY?

BUT FIRST I HAD TO TELL BATMANSOMETHING.

I SAID, "BATMAN, LOOK,I'M ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE

"WHO WHEN YOU TAKE BLOODFROM ME,

"SOMETIMES I CAN FAINT,

"AND I WAS IN THE WAITING AREAFOR THREE HOURS,

"AND I HAVEN'T EATENALL DAY,

AND I'M REALLY WORRIEDI'M GONNA FAINT."

AND BATMAN SAID TO ME,AND I'LL NEVER FORGET IT,

"PSSH!YOU'RE NOT GONNA FAINT."

SO I STICK MY ARM OUT,

BATMAN PUTS THE NEEDLE IN,

I IMMEDIATELY COLLAPSEON THE GROUND.

I WAKE UPAND I AM COVERED IN SWEAT,

LYING ONTHE OBSERVATION TABLE.

I WAKE UP, I OPEN MY EYES,AND I SEE BATMAN'S FACE.

HE'S LOOKING AT ME AND HE GOES,"YOU GOTTA GO."

AND I SAID, "COULD I PLEASE TALKTO THE DOCTOR, THOUGH, FIRST?

BECAUSE SOMETIMES I GETNERVOUS ON AIRPLANES."

AND BATMAN SAID,"THE DOCTOR'S GONE."

SO I GOT MY STUFFAND I LEFT.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS,

THAT IF YOU'VE BEEN NERVOUSYOUR ENTIRE LIFE,

YOU SHOULD ASK YOUR DOCTORABOUT XANAX,

BECAUSE IF YOU LIE TO HIM,

HE WILL STICK HIS FINGERIN YOUR ASS.

AND IF YOU DO SUFFERFROM FREQUENT URINATION,

KEEP IT TO YOURSELF.

I WENT TO THAT CLINICTWO YEARS LATER

FOR A DIFFERENT CHECKUP,AND AS I WAS LEAVING,

WHO DID I RUN INTOBUT BATMAN.

AND HE SMILED AT ME,

AND HE WAS WEARINGREADING GLASSES

TO SHOW THAT TIMEHAD PASSED.

THANKS VERY MUCHFOR LISTENING TO ME.

MY NAME'S JOHN MULANEY.

YOU WERE REALLY FUN.THANK YOU.

[cheers and applause]

[music playing]

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