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$55 Million & Getting Revenge

Dave's big contract inspires a revenge streak on all who have wronged him, while business associates decide to charge him more for services. (20:58)

- EXCLUSIVE,HERE'S THAT NEW TUPAC.

[crowd cheering]

[hip-hop music]

- ♪ LISTEN CLOSEAS LIFE TURNS ITS PAGES ♪

♪ MACHIAVELLI HEREKICKIN' RHYMES FOR THE AGES ♪

♪ SEE THINGS IN STAGES

♪ WISE WORDS SPOKEN BY SAGES

♪ FROM SKYTELTO BLACKBERRY PAGERS ♪

♪ YOUR CREW DON'T PHASE US ♪

♪ WE'LL MAKE YOU BUSTERSPAY US ♪

♪ RUN UP IN YOUR SPOT LIKE C.J.FROM SAN ANDREAS ♪

♪ I WROTE THIS SONGA LONG TIME AGO ♪

♪ A REAL LONG TIME AGO

♪ FEEL ME

♪ I WROTE THIS SONGA LONG TIME AGO ♪

♪ IT WAS THE DOPEST SONGI EVER WROTE ♪

♪ IN '94 ♪

♪ WHAT CAN A NIGGA DO

♪ WHEN HALF THE PEOPLE VOTEDFOR GEORGE W. ♪

♪ BOUNCIN' CHECKSFROM GEORGE W. ♪

♪ CAN'T BE TRUE ♪

♪ BETTER CHOKE HIM'CAUSE HE'S A SNITCH ♪

♪ I'M TALKING ABOUTGEORGE W. SMITH ♪

♪ FROM CITY COUNCIL

♪ HE RAN IN '93OUT IN OAKLAND ♪

♪ YOU PROBABLY DIDN'THEAR ABOUT HIM ♪

♪ I WROTE THIS SONGA LONG TIME AGO ♪

♪ A REAL LONG TIME AGO

♪ WAY BEFORE SLIM SHADYWAS IN DEMAND ♪

♪ WAY BEFORE WE DROPPED BOLOGNAON AFGHANISTAN ♪

♪ I WROTE THIS SONG IN '94 ♪

♪ HOW AM I DOING THIS?

♪ LOOK AROUND THE CLUB

♪ SEE EVERYONE IN THE PLACESHOWIN' PAC LOVE ♪

♪ GOT A SMILE ON MY FACE

♪ THE GIRL IN THE MINISKIRTHAS BAD TASTE ♪

♪ 'CAUSE THAT SHIRTDON'T MATCH ♪

♪ THERE'S A PUDDING STAINON THE BACK ♪

♪ WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?

♪ IT MIGHT BE DOO-DOO

♪ AND YOU IN THE BACK,YOU AIN'T SHIT ♪

♪ YOU BOUGHT A GIN AND TONIC,BUT YOU DIDN'T EVEN TIP ♪

♪ AND IF YOU HIT THIS TABLEONE MORE TIME ♪

♪ THEN THE RECORD MIGHT SKIP

♪ MIGHT SKIP

♪ I TOLD YOU

♪ STOP HITTING THE TABLE

♪ TUPAC IS RAW

♪ I WROTE THIS RHYME IN 1994

♪ I'M NOT ALIVE ♪

♪ THUG LIFE

♪ DAVE CHAPPELLE

♪ THAT AIN'T YOUR WIFE ♪

♪ DAMN, MAN,GO BACK TO YOUR KIDS ♪

♪ GO HOME

♪ I WROTE THIS SONGA LONG TIME AGO ♪

♪ A REAL LONG TIME AGO

♪ WAY BEFORE BEANIE SIGELHAD TO DO A BID ♪

♪ WAY BEFORE DAVE CHAPPELLEHAD TWO KIDS ♪

♪ DON'T GIVE HIM NO HOOCHIE ♪

- TUPAC, REST IN PEACE.

- ♪ OKAY, I WILL

[cheers and applause]

- YEAH, WELCOME BACK TO 106 & PARK,

B.E.T.'S TOP TEN LIVE.

[TV continues indistinctly]

- SO, YOU G'WANDO YOUR SHOW AGAIN?

- IT'S LOOKIN' THAT WAY.

- YOU MUST BE PAID...BIG TV STAR.

- [laughs]NAH, MAN, IT'S CABLE.

I DO ALL RIGHT, BUT NOTHIN'TO WRITE HOME ABOUT.

- CONGRATULATIONSTO DAVE CHAPPELLE!

[cheering and applause on TV]

HE'S RAKIN' IT IN ON THE NEWSEASON OF THE CHAPPELLE SHOW,

THE DAVE CHAPPELLE SHOW.

REPORTS SAY CHAPPELLEHAS RECEIVED $55 MILLION.

[eerie music]

[audience laughing]

- THEY BE LYIN' LIKE SHIT ON TV,DON'T THEY?

- ALL RIGHT,YOU ALL SET.

- HOW MUCHI OWE YOU, MAN?

- $11,000.

[audience laughs]

- [laughing]

YOUR CHALKBOARDSAYS $8, MAN.

- THAT'S THE OLD PRICE.

[audience laughs]

- THAT IS FUCKED UP.

- YOU HEAR WHATI'M SAYING, BALD HEAD?

- Y'ALL GONNA LET HIM ROB ME?

HUH?HAH?

- PAY UP NOW,11 IN CASH.

- ALL RIGHT.BUT FOR $11,000...

SHAVE MY BALLS THEN, NIGGA.

COME ON, GET TO CUTTIN'.

HOW MUCH I OWE YOU?

- NICE CAR.- YEAH.

- RICHEST, FUNNIEST MANIN AMERICA.

[chuckles]

$873.

- AW, COME ON, MAN,THE SIGN SAY $28.

I AIN'T PLAYIN' THIS SHIT TODAY.

- THAT'S THE OLD PRICE.

- WHAT YOU MEAN,THAT'S THE OLD PRICE, NIGGA?

ALL RIGHT, MAN,LET ME GET MY CHECKBOOK

AND WE WORKSOMETHING OUT, ALL RIGHT?

- LET ME GET A PICTUREWITH YOU.

- FUCK NO, NIGGA...

YOU GOTYOUR CAMERA, MAN?

$25 MILLION?

THAT'S HALF MY MONEY, MAN.

YOU AIN'T DOHALF THE WORK.

SHIT.

WHAT IF I DON'TWANNA PAY?

[audience laughs]

WHAT'S THAT?YOUR SISTER'S GUN?

YOU THINK THAT'S THE FIRST TIMEI HAD A GUN PUT IN MY FACE?

NIGGA, THAT'S THE SIXTH TIMETHIS HAS HAPPENED THIS WEEK.

THAT'S WHYI GOT HIM AROUND.

GO AHEAD, PULL YOUR PISTOL OUT,

LET'S HAVE A LITTLE ARMS RACEIN THE ROOM.

- OH, NO.

THEY THE GOVERNMENT, MAN.

I'M AFRAID OF THEM.

- I PAY YOU $4,000 A WEEKTO HOLD ME DOWN, NIGGA.

HOLD ME DOWN!

- $4,000 A WEEK?

YOU HAVEN'T FILEDFOR THAT.

BOTH OF YOU...

GET BUCK NAKED.

- [whispers]DAMN IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT, DUDE?

YOU FUCKIN' FIRED.

- YOU KNOW WHAT?- WHAT?

WHEN YOU GET OUT OF HERE,YOU'RE IN TROUBLE, JACK.

- YOU JUST GONNA LET HIMTHREATEN ME LIKE THAT?

HOW YOU GONNA GET $25 MILLIONOUT OF ME

IF I GOT THE NIGGAFROM GREEN MILE

SITTIN' ON MEIN THE MIDDLE OF "K" STREET?

- THAT'S A GOOD POINT.

FREEZE!

[gunshots]

- OH... SHIT!

YOU ALL RIGHT, DOG?

YOU ALL RIGHT?

[sentimental music]

- MONEY...

THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL.

THE IRS PULLEDTHE TRIGGER,

BUT YOUR GREEDDID THIS TO ME, DAVE.

- WH-WHY YOU SAYIN' THAT, MAN?

- YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO DOTWO MORE SEASONS

NO MATTER HOW GOODTHE SHOW IS.

THEY'RE ONLY GONNA SAY IT'S NOTAS GOOD AS LAST YEAR WAS.

- I KNOW...I ALREADY KNOW THAT.

- YOU KNOW--YOU KNOW WHAT THE KEY

TO KEEPING THE SHOW FRESH IS?

- WHAT?

- YOU GOTTA...

- COME ON, TALK TO ME!

- YOU GOTTA...

I'M DEAD.

[laughter and applause]

[audience laughs]

- GOOD EVENING,I'M CHUCK TAYLOR.

IT'S BEEN A VERY BUSY DAYIN THE NEWS.

A LOT OF THINGS HAVE HAPPENED.

A STATEN ISLAND MAN IS LISTEDIN STABLE CONDITION TONIGHT

AFTER A BRUTAL ASSAULTBY RAPPER METHOD MAN

FOLLOWING AN ARGUMENT.

THE VICTIM ADDRESSED THE PRESSEARLIER TODAY.

- IT WAS TORTURE.STRAIGHT TORTURE, SON.

FIRST HE PUT MY NUTSON THE DRESSER.

IT WAS CRAZY--JUST MY NUTS.

AND THEN HE BANGED THEM SHITSWITH A SPIKED BAT, LIKE "BOW!"

[audience groans]

AND THEN, HE SEWEDMY ASSHOLE SHUT.

KEPT FEEDING MEAND FEEDING ME AND FEEDING ME!

THIS ALL TOOK PLACE INTHE SLUMS OF SHAOLIN.

THERE WAS THE RZA, THE GZA,OL' DIRTY BASTARD,

RAEKWON THE CHEF, U-GOD,INSPECTAH DECK,

AND OF COURSE, THE METHOD MAN.

- THE VICTIM ALSO SAID THAT

AT ONE POINTDURING THE ALTERCATION,

METHOD MAN PUT A HANGERON THE STOVE

AND LEFT ITFOR, LIKE, 40 MINUTES

AND THEN HE STUCK ITIN HIS ASS REAL SLOW.

LIKE, "SSS..."

AT THIS POINT, METHOD MANIS STILL AT LARGE,

SO STAY TUNED TO NEWS CHANNEL 3FOR THIS AND OTHER STORIES.

I'M CHUCK TAYLOR.

- DAVE?

- STEVE.

OH, MY GOD, WHAT HAPPENED?

WHAT HAP--I MEAN, HOW DID YOUGET IN THE, UM...

- END UP IN THE CHAIR?

I GOT INTO A BAD CAR ACCIDENTA FEW YEARS AGO

NOT LONG AFTER YOU LEFT HERE.

- I'M SORRY TO HEAR THAT, MAN.

- IT'S ALL RIGHT, MAN.

YOU KNOW EVERYBODY AROUND HEREIS REAL PROUD OF YOU, DAVE.

IN FACT, JUST THE OTHER DAY,

I WAS TALKING ABOUT YOUWITH JAY RIZZO.

YOU REMEMBER HIM?

- YEAH, JAY RIZZO,WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THAT GUY?

- HE'S IN A WHEELCHAIR TOO, MAN.

- DAMN.

- CAN I BE HONEST WITH YOUFOR A SECOND, PAPA?

I'M REALLY GLADYOU CAME HERE TODAY

BECAUSE I'VE BEEN WANTING TOAPOLOGIZE TO YOU FOR YEARS.

BANNING YOU FROM THE CLUBWAS THE BIGGEST MISTAKE

I EVER MADE.

I KNOW THIS DOESN'T MEANANYTHING TO YOU,

BUT I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THATI'M SORRY...

AND I ALWAYS KNEW FROMTHE BOTTOM OF MY HEART

THAT YOU WERE GOING TO MAKE IT.

- OH, MAN.

STEVE.

I CAME HERE TO GET REVENGEON YOU, MAN.

- YOU DID?- YEAH, MAN.

I WAS GONNA BURN YOUR CLUB DOWN.

YOU DON'T SMELL THAT GAS?

I KNOW THAT'S WRONG, BUT I WASJUST SO MAD ALL THESE YEARS

FOR YOU BANNING ME.

IT WAS JUST--I'M SORRY, MAN.

ALL THESE YEARS I WALKED AROUNDWITH THAT WEIGHT

AND NOW I FEEL LIKE YOULIFTED IT.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU,THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

THANK YOU FOR MAKING THISTHAT MUCH SWEETER,

YOU SON OF A BITCH.

- HEY, HEY!WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?

NOT THE STAIRS, MAN.

[wheelchair clattering]

- [laughing]

OH, I LOVE IT WHENA PLAN COMES TOGETHER.

[fire whooshing]

[explosion]

[laughing]

WHOA, NICE--OH, LET ME SEEWHAT YOU GOT.

OH, OH, I JUST WANT TO HOLD HIM.

[baby crying]

OH!

THAT LITTLE MOTHERFUCKER, BYE!

HOPE I'M NOT INTERRUPTING.

- DAVE CHAPPELLE.

- JERRY JACOBS,CASTING AGENT EXTRAORDINAIRE.

- OH, HELLO, DAVE.

CONGRATULATIONS ONALL YOUR SUCCESS.

- OH, THANK YOU, JERRY.YOU KNOW WHAT?

I GOT TO SAY, THIS LADY HEREHAS MEANT SO MUCH TO ME, MAN,

IN FUELING THE FIREOF MY CAREER,

THAT I DID A LITTLE SOMETHINGFOR YOU.

- WHAT?

- I KNOW THAT AD TIME ONTHE SUPER BOWL IS EXPENSIVE,

BUT I HOLD IN MY HANDAN ADVERTISEMENT

FOR JERRY JACOBS CASTING.

- NO.

- YOU MIGHT WANT TOCOME SEE THIS.

[guitar music]

HEY, I'M DAVE CHAPPELLE,

AND I'M HERE TO SAY A FEW WORDS

ABOUT AMERICA'S PREMIERECASTING AGENT.

OF COURSE, I'M TALKINGABOUT JERRY JACOBS.

SHE SUCKS ASS!

EIGHT YEARS AGO AT AN AUDITION,

JERRY HAD THE NERVE TO TELL METHAT I DIDN'T HAVE,

AND I'M QUOTING HER, "IT."

MAN, WAS THAT BITCH WRONG!

[laughs]

BUT DON'T TAKE MY WORD FOR IT.

- ONE TIME JERRYCALLED ME A "NIGGA"

ON THE SET OF JUNGLE FEVER.

- [whispers]I NEVER SAID THAT.

- KISS MY BLACK ASS, JERRY.

- TWO TIMES!

GIVE ME SOME.

- THAT'S JERRY JACOBS CASTING.

DON'T HIRE HER'CAUSE SHE SUCKS ASS,

AND SHE'S A RACIST.

YOU CAN SEE MORE OF JERRY

IN THIS MONTH'S CAMELTOE MAGAZINE.

OH, MY GOD, JERRY.

GOT SOME BAD NEWS FOR YOU.

YOU'RE FUCKIN' DONE, SON!

IT'S OVER.

♪ A MOMENT LIKE THIS

♪ SOME PEOPLE WAIT A LIFETIME

♪ FOR A MOMENT, MO...

♪ JERRY JACOBS

[knock at door]

- HOLY SHIT,IT'S DAVE CHAPPELLE!

- WATCH YOUR MOUTH.

HEY, LITTLE FELLA, IS YOUR,UH, IS YOUR DAD AROUND?

- NO, HE'S AT WORK.

- WHERE'S HE WORKIN'?

- HE WORKS ATTHE DOUGHNUT SHOP

ON ROSCOE BOULEVARD.

- SOUNDS LUCRATIVE.[laughs]

DO ME A FAVOR, SQUIRT,RUN GET YOUR MOM.

- MOM!

- OH, MY GOD.

DAVID.

- OH...

- OSCAR, GO PLAYWITH YOUR TOYS.

- YOU DON'T MIND IF WE COME IN,TAKE A LOAD OFF, DO YOU?

- YOU KNOW, DAVID, I'VE BEEN SOPROUD OF YOU ALL THESE YEARS,

AND I WANT YOU TO KNOWTHAT I'M REALLY SORRY

ABOUT WHAT HAPPENEDBETWEEN US.

I MEAN, FOR PETE'S SAKE, DAVID,WE WERE ALL JUST KIDS.

- YEAH.YEAH, WE WERE KIDS.

I MEAN, HOW WERE YOU GONNA KNOW

THAT CHEATIN' ON ME THE NIGHTTHAT I ASKED YOU TO MARRY ME--

WITH JAMAL, OF ALL PEOPLE--

WOULD REALLY GIVE METRUST ISSUES

THAT I STRUGGLE WITHTO THIS VERY DAY.

- [laughs nervously]

WELL, THE GOOD NEWS IS,JAMAL AND I ARE STILL TOGETHER,

AND HE'S LEGIT NOW.

- I HAVE A CONFESSIONTO MAKE.

I LOVE YOU.

I'VE LOVED YOU THE ENTIRE TIMEI'VE BEEN AWAY FROM YOU.

I WANT YOU TO MARRY ME.

- [gasps]

DAVE,I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

- [whispering]SAY YES.

- WHAT ABOUT YOUR WIFE?

- SHH...

HER?IT'S OVER BETWEEN US.

- WHAT ABOUT MY HUSBAND?

- WHAT ABOUT HIM?LEAVE HIM.

YOU DON'T NEED HIS DOUGHNUT SHOPMONEY, I GOT YOU.

[gunshot, siren wails]

OR YOU COULD STAY AROUND HERE;I'M SURE YOU'RE COMFORTABLE.

GIVE IT A WEEK.

I'LL SEND A JET FOR YOUTO BRING YOU TO MY HOME.

IF YOU'RE GONNA COME,I'LL BE THERE WAITIN'.

[sentimental piano music]

[laughing]

- IT'S DONE, BABY.

- THE DIVORCE IS FINAL?

IT'S ALL TAKEN CARE OF?

[whispers] OH, THANK GOD.THIS IS FOR YOU.

I WANT YOU TO CLOSE YOUR EYES,I GOT A SURPRISE FOR YOU.

KEEP 'EM CLOSED.

[car door shuts]

ALL RIGHT, OPEN 'EM!

[both laughing]

THIS MY WIFE AND MY SON!

GIRL, I DIDN'T GET NO DIVORCE--WE'RE HAPPY AS HELL!

[laughing]

- WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME?

- WHY DID I DO IT?

'CAUSE I'M PETTYAND LUCKY FOR ME,

MY FAMILY'S PETTY TOO.

[laughs hysterically]

- NICE SHOES.

both: OH!

- HOLD ON, HOLD ON.LOOK AT THAT SQUIRREL SKIN COAT.

OH!

GET THAT COAT SOME PEANUTS.

[laughter]

GO BACK TO YOUR HUSBAND.

OH, WAIT A MINUTE.

OH!- OH!

- ALL RIGHT, COME ON Y'ALL,LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

LET'S GO TO THE AMUSEMENT PARK.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU,BUT I WANT SOME DOUGHNUTS.

[laughter]

HOW MANY SQUIRRELS MUST DIEFOR YOU TO LOOK FLY?

[howling laughter]

HEY, SHONDA,

I'M RICH, BITCH!

- YOU SON OF A BITCH.

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