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Carlos Mencia: Performance Enhanced

  • 05/18/2008
  • views: 146

Carlos Mencia warns against the threats of oversensitivity and political correctness. (42:00)

THE MAJORITY OF WHITE PEOPLEARE NOT RACIST.

THE MAJORITY OF YOU ARE COOL.

YOU'RE NOT LIKEDOG THE BOUNTY HUNTER.

(audience groans)

DID YOU THINK THAT BITCH WASGOING TO ESCAPE MY TARGET LINE?

LISTEN,HE IS A RACIST SACK OF (bleep).

HE TOLD HIS SON, "DON'TDATE HER. SHE'S A NIGGER."

WHEN YOU SAY THAT,YOU ARE RACIST,

AND IT IS INDEFENSIBLE. AND WHATDID HE SAY WHEN THEY GO,

"WHY'D YOU SAY THAT?"I SWEAR TO GOD, HIS EXCUSE--

"WELL, WE TALK LIKE THATALL THE TIME."

WELL, I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN.

(laughter)

THAT MAKES IT BETTER.I THOUGHT YOU SLIPPED UP.

I DIDN'T REALIZE...

♪ YOU WERE REALLY A RACIST

I HOPE HIS SONHAS SEX WITH THAT GIRL,

AND I HOPE SHE GETS PREGNANT,

AND I HOPE SHE HASA LITTLE BLACK BABY,

AND I'M NOT TALKIN'ABOUT KINDA BLACK.

I'M TALKIN' ABOUT BLACK BLACK.

I'M TALKIN' ABOUT THE KINDOF BLACK THAT IS SO DARK,

EVEN BLACK PEOPLE ARE LIKE, "DAMN!" THAT KIND OF DARK.

THE KIND OF DARK THAT GETSPULLED OVER ON A BIKE

FOR TINTED WINDOWS.

THAT'S THE KIND OF BLACK I WANT!

WITH BIG LIPS, I HOPEHE EVEN CRIES LIKE HE'S BLACK!

(deep voice) "WAH, WAH.WAH, DADDY, WAH, WAH."

I HOPEHE COMES OUT TAP DANCING...

♪ HELLO, MY BABY,HELLO, MY DARLING ♪

♪ HELLO, MY RAGTIME GAL

BUT THIS WHITE GUILTIS RUINING OUR COUNTRY.

THIS DOUBLE STANDARD'SKILLING US. LOOK AT EMINEM.

LOOK ATTHE DOUBLE STANDARD OF HIM.

HE'S A RAPPER.HE'S A GREAT RAPPER,

BUT HE'S NOT BLACK.THAT'S THE DIFFERENCE.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?RAP IS BLACK,

AND ALL OF RAP PRETTY MUCH--AT LEAST ABOUT 98% OF IT--

HAS THE "N" WORD IN IT.

GUESS WHO'S NEVER PUT "N" WORDIN ANY OF HIS MUSIC--NONE?

THE WHITE GUY. WHY?

'CAUSE HE KNOWSTHERE'S A DOUBLE STANDARD,

AND WHITE PEOPLE ARE LIKE,"HE'S CRAZY."

OH, REALLY? HE'S WHITE CRAZY.HE'S NOT THAT CRAZY.

HE'S, LIKE, CRAZY LIKE,"I'M CRAZY. I'M EMINEM.

"I'M CRAZY.I'M GONNA STAB MY BITCH.

"I'M GONNA CHOKE MY BITCH.I'M GONNA CHOKE MY WIFE.

"I'M GONNA STAB THAT BITCH.

"I'M GONNA PUT HERIN THE BACK OF MY CAR,

AND THEN I'LL THROW HER OVERTHAT BRIDGE. AAH! I'M CRAZY."

"SAY 'NIGGA.'"

"MM, NO.

"NO! NO!

"I'M NOT THAT CRAZY.SLIM SHADY, CRACKER.

SLIM SHADY."

(cheers and laughter)

"I'M SUPERMAN, "BUT I'M GONNAPRETEND I'M CLARK KENT.

YOU KNOW, SO THAT PEOPLE--"

SHUT UP, DUMB-ASS.

I WANT SUPERMANTO COME BACK BLACK.

THAT'S MY MOVIE.

"SUPERMAN RETURNS BLACK--JIGGA MAN."

THAT'S THE NAME OF MY NEW MOVIE."JIGGA MAN."

JIGGA MAN DOESN'T HAVE A PROBLEMWITH HIS ALTER EGO...

(deep voice) 'CAUSE JIGGA MANDOESN'T HAVE A JOB.

(laughter)

JIGGA MAN EVEN FLIES GHETTO.

"HA HA!"

AND HE HITS THE BAD GUYSWITH HIS PENIS.

"COME HERE..."(thump)

"WHERE YOU GOIN', BITCH?"(thump)

"OH, MY GOD! IT'S A BIRD!IT'S--

"OH, IT'S JIGGA MAN. HE'S...

"PLEASE DON'T TEA BAG ME,JIGGA MAN.

DON'T TEA BAG ME."

(laughter)

THIS IS RIDICULOUS,

BUT IT IS NOT ALL BAD,

BECAUSE THINK ABOUT THIS, FOLKS.

IN THE NEXT 12 YEARS,WE CAN GET RID OF ALL EXCUSES,

AND WE CAN JUST GETTO THE FUNNIES

WITH RACIAL HUMOR. YES.

IF WE VOTE IN OBAMA RIGHT NOW...(thump)

BAM--YOU CAN DOALL THE BLACK JOKES

AND MAKE FUN OF ALLTHE BLACK PEOPLE YOU WANT.

NEXT FOUR YEARS, BAM--WE VOTE IN AN ASIAN GUY.

NOT ONLY CAN YOU DO ASIAN JOKES,BUT YOU CAN WALK UP TO 'EM

AND GO,"YOU LOOK ALIKE TO ME."

♪ CHANG, CHANG, CHUNG, CHUNG,DING-A, DING-A, DING ♪

OH, YEAH. THEN THE YEARAFTER THAT, WE VOTE IN A LATINO.

NO BITCHING. NO MOANING.

NOW YOU CAN MAKE FUNOF EVERYBODY,

AND I KNOW SOME OF YOUARE THINKING,

"BUT, CARLOS,I WISH THAT I COULD MAKE FUN

OF HANDICAPPED PEOPLE."

YOU ALREADY CAN.OUR PRESIDENT IS RETARDED.

IN REAL LIFE,FOR THE FIRST TIME,

A WOMAN WEARING A BURKA.

THAT WAS THE CREEPIEST THING.I'VE SEEN IT ON THE NEWS,

BUT IT'S NOTHINGLIKE SEEING IT FOR REAL.

I WAS AT A RESTAURANT,AND I KEPT STARING AT HER,

AND I COULDN'T STOP STARING.AND HER HUSBAND COMES UP TO ME.

(Middle Eastern accent) "HEY,YOU ARE STARING AT MY WIFE."

I GO, "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND."

HE GOES, "I KNOW WHO YOU ARE.YOU ARE CARLOS FROM THE TV SHOW,

AND YOU ARE STARING AT MY WIFE."AND HE'S LIKE,

"PLEASE DON'T DO A JOKEABOUT MY WIFE ON YOUR SHOW."(laughter)

I LOVE ALL YOU GUYS.YOU'RE LIKE, "SORRY!"

BUT I WENT, "YOU KNOW WHAT?

I DON'T EVEN KNOWANYTHING ABOUT THIS."

AND HE GOES,"YOU WANT ME TO TELL YOU?"

I GO, "I WOULD LOVEFOR YOU TO TELL ME THAT."

HE GOES, "SEE, YOU AMERICANS,YOU TELL ME TO CHANGE.

"BUT YOU WOULD NOT CHANGEIF YOU WERE ME,

"OR IF YOU KNEW WHAT I HAVE.BUT YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I HAVE."

AND I GO, "YOU'RE RIGHT.I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE?"

AND HE GOES, "I HAVE A WIFETHAT FROM THE MOMENT I WAKE UP

"TILL THE MOMENT I GO TO SLEEP,HER EXISTENCE IS ALL ABOUT

"DOING ONE THING--MAKING MEHAPPY. SHE COOKS FOR ME,

"SHE CLEANS FOR ME,AND IF I TELL HER TO SHUT UP,

SHE SHUTS UP."

AND AS AN AMERICAN,I WAS DISGUSTED,

BUT AS A MAN, I WAS LIKE,"HOW DO YOU DO THAT?

"YOU NEED TO WRITE A BOOK,

'CAUSE WE--WE'RE LOSING THATBATTLE IN AMERICA, SERIOUSLY."

(cheers and applause)

YEAH, WE ARE.WE'RE TURNING GAY.

WE'RE TURNING GAY!

YOU CALL IT METROSEXUAL.

I KNOW WHAT IT IS!

AND SEE? LOOK, SOME OF THE WOMENARE PISSED OFF.

YEAH? KISS MY ASS, BITCH.I DON'T CARE.

BECAUSE YOU WOMENALREADY HAVE A WAY

TO MAKE MEN DO WHAT YOU WANT.

YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S CALLED?VAGINA! SHUT YOUR PIEHOLE!

THAT'S HOW WE END UPIN A DANCE CLASS.

(laughter)

"I WANT TO TAKE DANCING."

WELL, I DON'T. YOU WANT SOME?

♪ LA-DA-DA, LA-DA-DA

ALL OF A SUDDEN, WE'RE WEARINGTIGHT-ASS BLACK PANTS,

DANCING THE FLAMENCO,LOOKING LIKE MARIO LOPEZ.

BITCH ABOUT WHAT YOU DON'T HAVE,

BUT YOU DON'T THINKABOUT WHAT YOU DO HAVE.

THINK ABOUT HOW COOL IT ISTO BE A WOMAN.

THINK ABOUT HOW COOL IT IS.(cheers and whistles)

ALL YOU WOMEN HAVE TO DO,WHEN IT COMES TO RELATIONSHIPS,

IS JUST STAND THERE.THAT'S ALL YOU GOTTA DO.

JUST STAND THERE AND WAIT,AND GUYS COME UP TO YOU AND ASK,

AND ALL YOU WOMEN DO IS GO,

"NO, NO, NO. NO.

THANK YOU. NO. NO."

AND, GUYS, HERE'S WHAT WE DO.

"HEY, YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL,AND YOU'RE INTELLIGENT,

"AND I--NO? OKAY, THANK YOUFOR THE OPPORTUNITY.

"I APPRECIATE IT.THANK YOU. THANK YOU!

"OH, MY GOD.I LOVE THIS SONG.

"IT'S MY--YEAH, I'LL DANCEBY MYSELF. IT'S OKAY.

"THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

"HEY, YOU LOOK REALLY COOL.CAN I BUY YOU A DRINK?

"HERE YOU GO.YOU'RE LEAVING WITH MY DRINK?

"THAT'S OKAY. I DIDN'T WANTTO TALK OR ANYTHING.

THANK YOU."

AND THEN YOU WOMEN DON'T ASK,AND YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

LIKE, YOU WOMEN DON'T UNDERSTANDWHAT STRIP CLUBS ARE ALL ABOUT.

YOU HAVE NO CONCEPT OF THEMWHATSOEVER.

ALL YOU DO IS YOU THINKIN YOUR HEAD, "OH, MY GOD,

"YOU'RE GONNA GO OVER THERE,AND BLAH BLAH BLAH,

AND THE FANTASYAND THE NAKED GIRLS AND THE--"

NONE OF THAT. NONE OF THAT.

STRIP CLUBS HAVE NOTHINGTO DO WITH ANY OF THAT.

STRIP CLUBS ARE THE ONE PLACEWHERE GUYS

GET TO BE LIKE CHICKS.THAT'S WHY WE LOVE IT.

YOU WOMEN DON'T UNDERSTANDWHAT STRIP CLUBS ARE ALL ABOUT.

HERE'S WHAT HAPPENS, LADIES.WE WALK INTO A STRIP CLUB,

AND HALFWAY IN, WE LOOK BACK,

AND THEN LIKE FIVE CHICKSARE FOLLOWING US.

ALL OF A SUDDEN,THERE'S A LINE OF CHICKS,

AND WE'RE GOING, LIKE, "FOR ME?"

(man in audience)YEAH, BABY!

AND THEN A REALLY,REALLY HOT CHICK...

WITH PERFECT, BEAUTIFUL BREASTS,

A WOMAN WHO, IN THE REAL WORLD,WOULD NEVER PAY ATTENTION TO US,

LEANS IN AND IN THE NICEST VOICEWE'VE EVER HEARD SAYS,

"EXCUSE ME, SWEETHEART.

WOULD YOU LIKE A LAP DANCE?"

AND FOR THE FIRST TIMEIN OUR LIVES,

WE GET TO GO, "NO."

(cheering)

THAT GUYS HAVEAN ULTERIOR MOTIVE.

AND WE DON'T.

THERE'S ONLY ONE THINGABOUT GUYS,

AND YOU KNOW IT, LADIES.YOU KNOW WHAT WE WANT.

THAT'S IT. IT'S REALLY SIMPLE.THERE'S NO MORE TO US THAN THAT.

WHEN A GUY LOOKS AT YOU, LADIES,AND SAYS, "HEY, SWEETIE,

"WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER FORA LONG TIME, AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

"WE AIN'T DONE NOTHING FREAKY,AND I KNOW YOU GOT FREAK IN YOU,

"AND I DON'T WANT YOU TO BEFREAKY WITH ANOTHER MAN,

"SO GET FREAKY WITH ME'CAUSE YOU'RE MY WOMAN.

"YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?GIVE ME THE FREAK.

WHAT DO YOU WANT METO DO FOR YOU?"

LADIES, YOU KNOWWHAT WE'RE ASKING YOU?

"UH, WHAT DO YOUWANT ME TO DO?"

AND YOU WOMEN THINK,

"OH, I COULD SCARE HIM."YOU CANNOT.

YOU ARE INCAPABLEOF DOING THAT.

YOU COULD LOOK AT A MANAND GET CRAZY AND GO,

"ALL RIGHT, I WANT TO GETA CAR BATTERY,

"THEN ATTACH SOME CABLESAND PUT 'EM ON YOUR NIPPLES

"AND SHOCK YOUR ASS.

"THEN I WANT TO SPIN YOUR NUTSTILL THEY TURN PURPLE.

"I WANT TO FONDLE YOU WITHSANDPAPER AND CHOKE YOUR ASS,

"AND RIGHT WHEN YOU'REABOUT TO SCREAM IN ORGASM,

I'M GONNA RAM MY LEFT FISTUP YOUR ASS!"

(cheers and applause)

WE'LL LOOK AT YOU AND GO,

"LISTEN, YOU CRAZY,PSYCHO BITCH,

"YOU ALL-OF-A-SUDDEN,CRAZY WHORE,

YOU BETTER KNOW HOWTO KEEP A SECRET."

HONESTY BEGETS GREATNESS.

THAT'S IT. THE KNOWLEDGECOMES FROM HONESTY.

IT'S LIKE YOU WOMEN--YOU'REALWAYS COMPLAINING ABOUT GUYS.

ALWAYS.

"MEN ARE DICKS, CARLOS.WHY ARE MEN DICKS, CARLOS?"

FIRST OF ALL, LADIES,YOU'RE RIGHT. WE ARE DICKS.

BUT YOU WANT TO KNOWWHY WE'RE DICKS?

IT'S REALLY SIMPLE.

'CAUSE WHEN WE WERE NICE TO YOU,YOU DIDN'T (bleep) US.

(cheers, laughter and whistles)

BUT YOU WOMEN AREN'T HONEST.

ALL YOU HAVE TO DOIS BE HONEST.

BUT WHY IS ITTHAT YOU'RE NOT HONEST?

BECAUSE WOMEN ALWAYSHAVE ULTERIOR MOTIVES.

THAT'S WHY IT IS. WHEN A WOMANASKS YOU A QUESTION,

THERE'S AN ULTERIOR MOTIVEATTACHED TO IT.

WHEN A WOMAN SAYS TO A GUY...

(imitates woman) "HEY, SWEETIE,TELL ME YOUR FANTASIES,"

(normal voice) THAT'S NOT WHATSHE'S REALLY ASKING YOU.

WHAT'S SHE REALLY SAYINGIN HER HEAD IS,

"HEY, I LIKE YOU.I THINK YOU'RE REALLY COOL.

"I MIGHT EVEN LOVE YOU.

"I WANT TO TAKE THISRELATIONSHIP TO THE NEXT LEVEL.

"BUT BEFORE I ACTUALLYCOMMIT TO THAT,

I NEED TO KNOWHOW (bleep) YOU REALLY ARE."

LOOK AT--LOOK AT ALL THE WOMEN.

HA HA HA!

AND OF COURSE, WE ANSWER.

BECAUSE WOMEN ARE SMART,

THEY ALWAYS ASK USWHEN WE'RE HORNY,

AND... (grunts)THAT'S WHEN THEY ASK US.

WHEN YOU'RE FULLY ERECT,AND ALL THE OXYGEN IS DOWN HERE,

AND THE OXYGEN UP HEREIS A LITTLE,

"UH, NOT ENOUGH! NOT ENOUGH!

I CAN'T ANSWER THE QUESTION!"

DOWN HERE IS LIKE... AAH!

(imitatesheart beating rapidly)

UP HERE, WE'RE LIKE, "I CAN'TFIGHT IT! I CAN'T FIGHT IT!"

(laughter)

WE'RE BETTER."

SHUT YOUR PIEHOLE.

AND BY THE WAY, LOOK AT ME,YOU VEGETARIAN SONS OF BITCHES.

YOU ANNOY ME MORE THAN ANYBODY.

VEGETARIANS ANNOY MEABOUT AS MUCH AS THAT ITCH

I GET ON THE BOTTOMOF MY TESTICLES.

YOU KNOW,THE ONE THAT YOU CAN'T SCRATCH,

SO YOU GOTTA PINCH THE NUTAND THEN ROLL IT BACK AND FORTH?

OHH!

OHH! OHH!

DON'T LAUGH, MA'AM.YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS.

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS.

IT'S KIND OF WHENYOU TAKE OFF YOUR BRA,

AND YOU FLIP YOUR TITTY UPAND SCRATCH RIGHT HERE.

OH, GOD, THAT FEELS GOOD.OHH. OHH.(cheers and applause)

OH, GOD, THAT FEELS--

OHH! OHH!

YOU'RE NOT BETTER THAN ME,VEGETARIAN.

"WELL,I DON'T EAT LIFE, CARLOS."

OH, REALLY? WELL,THEN ENJOY THIS TASTY ROCK.

'CAUSE PLANTS ARE LIFE-FORMS.

"WELL, I MEAN, OKAY,WHAT I'M SAYING IS,

I DON'T EATANYTHING WITH FLESH."

REALLY? WHAT DO YOU THINKWOOD IS, STUPID?

IT'S THE FLESH OF THE PLANT.

THE EPIDERMISIS THE OUTER LAYER.

"BUT--BUT WAIT A MINUTE.WAIT A MINUTE.

WAIT A MINUTE, CARLOS. I DON'TEAT ANYTHING THAT BREATHES."

REALLY?WELL, PLANTS BREATHE.

EVER HEARD OF, UH,PHOTOSYNTHESIS?

BUT, "OH, NO, CARLOS, YOU DON'TKNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT."

NO, YOU DON'T KNOWWHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

I EAT COWS BECAUSEI'M A RESPONSIBLE AMERICAN,

AND I THINK GREEN,BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT COWS DO?

THEY FART, EMITTING METHANEAND CARBONS INTO THE ATMOSPHERE

THAT ARE DESTROYINGTHIS PLANET.

NOW... WHAT ARE YOUVEGETARIANS DOING?

YOU'RE EATING THE PLANT LIFE

THAT COULD TURNTHAT NASTY CARBON

INTO PERFECTLY GOOD,BREATHABLE OXYGEN

FOR ALL OTHER LIFE-FORMSTO EXIST.

(cheering)SO LET'S GET ONE THING STRAIGHTRIGHT NOW.

YOU VEGETARIANS ARE THE REASONFOR GLOBAL WARMING!

(cheering)

I'M EATING THE PROBLEM.YOU'RE EATING THE SOLUTION!

BUT LET'S BE HONEST.

IF YOU'RE OKAYWITH EATING BEEF,

YOU'RE OKAYWITH KILLING ANIMALS.

YOU'RE JUST OKAY WITH KILLINGCERTAIN ANIMALS AND NOT OTHERS,

AND FOR THIS REASONAND NOT FOR THAT REASON.

THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING.

AND IF THAT'S WHO YOU ARE,THAT'S OKAY.(cheers and applause)

BUT DON'T PRETENDWE'RE BETTER THAN MICHAEL VICK.

"BUT MICHAEL VICKELECTROCUTED THOSE DOGS."

ALL THE BEEF WE EAT IN AMERICAIS ELECTROCUTED.

ALL THE BEEF WE EATIN AMERICA IS ELECTROCUTED.

AND I KNOW SOME OF YOUARE SHOCKED,

'CAUSE YOU THOUGHTTHEY WERE COMMITTING SUICIDE,

BUT, NO,THAT'S NOT WHAT HAPPENS.

COWS AREN'T WALKING UPTO McDONALD'S GOING,

"I LOVE YOU! MOO..."

TO TAKE ITTO A WHOLE NOTHER LEVEL,

THE ANIMALS THAT WE DO ITIN THIS COUNTRY--

WE EAT THEM BECAUSE THEY ARESTUPID AND EASY TO CATCH,

NOT BECAUSE THEY ARE THE MOSTDELICIOUS AND SUCCULENT.

WHAT DOES THAT SAY ABOUT US?'CAUSE I KNOW SOME OF YOU

ARE GOING, "NO, CARLOS, BEEF ISDELICIOUS, AND IT'S THE BEST."

REALLY?YOU EVER HAD HORSEMEAT?

HORSEMEAT IS UNBELIEVABLE--WAY BETTER THAN BEEF.

YOU KNOW WHY WE DON'TEAT THAT ANIMAL?

'CAUSE IT'S NOT A STUPID-ASSANIMAL LIKE THE DUMB-ASS COW.

SEE, A LONG TIME AGO, THERE WASA COW NEXT TO A HORSE.

AND A GUY HAD A ROCK, AND HEWAS GONNA EAT ONE OF 'EM,

AND HE STARTED RUNNINGTOWARD 'EM.

AND THEN THE HORSE LOOKED UP,GAVE HIM A HOOF AND WENT...

(imitates neigh,galloping sound)

AND THE STUPID-ASS COWJUST STAYED THERE...

(imitates cow mooing)

ANY ANIMAL DUMB ENOUGHTO TIP OVER

WHILE IT'S SLEEPINGDESERVES TO BE EATEN.

(cheers and applause)

"I LOVE CHICKEN, CARLOS."YOU DO? GOOD FOR YOU.

YOU THINK CHICKEN IS

THE BEST-TASTING BIRDIN THE WORLD?

DO YOU REALLY BELIEVE THAT?

OR DO WE EAT CHICKENS'CAUSE THEY'RE BIRDS,

AND THEY HAVE WINGS,BUT... CAN'T FLY.

THEY CAN'T FLY!

WANT TO EAT A CHICKEN?YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO UP THERE.

RIGHT HERE.(imitates chicken squawking)

YOU JUST HAD TURKEYNOT TOO LONG AGO.

"MMM, TURKEY.IT'S DELICIOUS, CARLOS."

IS IT?

OR IS IT ANOTHERRETARDED-ASS BIRD?

CAN'T FLY!

THEY EVEN SOUND RETARDEDWHEN THEY TRY TO TALK.

(imitates turkey gobbling)

EVEN REAL RETARDED PEOPLEARE LIKE,

"THERE'S SOMETHING WRONGWITH THAT BIRD!

"STUPID BIRD! YOU'RE CHOKING!

"HE'S CH-CHOKING ON A BIG,RED BOOGER IT HAS ON ITS NOSE.

I FOUND OUT THAT THERE'S A LOTOF GAY PEOPLE IN THE MILITARY.

YEAH.OKAY, HERE'S HOW I FOUND OUT.

I STARTED DOING GAY JOKES,RIGHT?

AND LIKE 5,000 SOLDIERS,

AND THEY'RE ALL GOING LIKE THIS,THE MORE GAY JOKES I DO.

AND IN THE MIDDLE OF A BUNCHOF DUDES GOING LIKE THIS,

THERE'S A BUNCH OF DUDESLIKE THIS...

AND I SAW 'EM, AND I'M LIKE,

LOOK AT THE GAY PEOPLE.THEY'RE PISSED!

BUT THEY CAN'T SAY ANYTHING'CAUSE IT'S THE MILITARY,

AND IT'S DON'T ASK,DON'T TELL! HA HA!

SO I STARTED MAKING FUN OF 'EM.

♪ ONE LITTLE, TWO LITTLE,THREE LITTLE FAIRIES ♪

♪ FOUR LITTLE, FIVE LITTLE,SIX LITTLE FAIRIES ♪

AND THEY'RE PISSED.THEY'RE LIKE...

AND THEN AFTER THE SHOW,

ONE OF THE GAY GUYSCOMES UP TO ME, RIGHT?

HE'S LIKE...(lisping) "COME HERE, CARLOS.

"COME HERE.COME HERE. COME HERE.

"LOOK AROUND. LOOK AROUND.

"MAYBE YOU'LL NOTICE THAT WE DOA LOT OF SERVICE FOR THIS.

(voice breaking) "AND NOBODYTALKS ABOUT THE SERVICE

THAT WE GIVEAND WHAT WE PROVIDE."

AND THEN I LOOKED AROUND,AND I REALIZED,

OH, MY GOD.I SEE WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

HERE'S THE DEAL, FOLKS.I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW THIS,

BUT, UH, WE HAVE, LIKE,25 DIFFERENT UNIFORMS

FOR EVERY BRANCH OF THE MILITARYTHAT ARE VERY SPECIFIC

TO FIGHTINGIN ANY SPECIFIC ENVIRONMENT.

IN IRAQ, THERE'S FOUR ALONE.

THERE'S THE LIGHT BROWNWITH THE BIG PATCH,

THE LIGHT BROWNWITH THE SMALL PATCH,

THE LIGHT BROWNWITH THE DIGITAL PATTERN

AND THE LIGHT GREENWITH THE DIGITAL PATTERN.

AND THEN I REALIZED,WHO WAS IT THAT DID THAT?

'CAUSE YOU KNOW SOMEBODYDESIGNED ONE OF THOSE SUITS

AND SAID,"THIS IS THE ENVIRONMENT,"

AND THE GAY GUY WAS LIKE,

"OH, MY GOD, SERIOUSLY, THAT SOCLASHES WITH THE BACKGROUND.

"OUR SOLDIERS ARE GONNAGET SHOT. THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

"THIS IS AN URBAN ENVIRONMENT,AND WE NEED TO PUT

"LITTLE DIGITAL SQUARE PATTERNSON IT, SO WHEN THE ENEMY

"IS LIKE, 'AAH!'OUR SOLDIERS CAN JUST FREEZE.

"AND THE ENEMY'S LIKE,

"WHERE DID THEY GO?WHERE DID THEY GO?

"AND OUR SOLDIERS ARE BLENDING.THEY'RE JUST BLENDING.

THEY'RE LIKE THE PREDATOR."

"RRR! YOU CAN'T SEE ME!I'M A PREDATOR."

AND THEN THE ENEMY GETS CLOSE,AND THEY'RE LIKE, "HA HA!"

(imitates machine gun firing)

"HA HA! I'M A PRED--I'M BLENDINGLIKE A PREDATOR. HA!"

(imitates machine gun firing)

AND I KNOW WHERE I AM, AND IKNOW THAT YOU'RE OUT THERE.

I KNOW YOU'RE OUT THERE.HERE'S THE DEAL, GAY PEOPLE,

AND HERE'S THE DEAL,THE REST OF YOU.

PAY ATTENTION WHEN I SAY THIS.IF I EVER GO TO WAR,

NOT ONLY DO I WANTGAY PEOPLE IN THE MILITARY,

BUT I WANT TO FIGHTSIDE BY SIDE

NEXT TO A FLAMING QUEERTHAT LOVES ME.

DO YOU UNDERSTANDWHAT I'M SAYING?

SO WHEN THE ENEMY SHOOTS,MY BITCH TAKES IT PERSONALLY.

THAT'S THE KIND OF ATTITUDEI WANT.

THAT WAY, WE'RE LIKE...(imitates gunfire)

"NO! AAH!"

(imitates machine gun firing)

"AAH! AAH! AAH!

"AAH!

"STAY THERE, CARLOS!BLEND! KEEP BLENDING!

"YOU'RE LIKETHE LATINO PREDATOR!

EL PREDATOR. AAH!"

AAH!

(laughter)

SOMETHING REALLY INTERESTINGHAPPENED TO ME

WHEN I WAS THERE, THOUGH,IN IRAQ.

YOU KNOW WHAT IT WAS?I GOT ATTACKED. YEAH!

THAT WAS WEIRD, MAN.I'M DOING A SHOW JUST LIKE THIS.

ALL OF A SUDDEN,FOUR APACHES FLY OVERHEAD...

(imitates helicopters whirring)

AND THEN I HEAR...

(imitates missile firing,explosions)

AND THEN AN ALARM GOES OFF,

AND I KNEWWHAT THAT ALARM MEANT.

THAT ALARM MEANTHIT THE FLOOR IMMEDIATELY,

'CAUSE YOU HAVE TWO SECONDS,MAYBE, BEFORE A MORTAR

OR A MISSILE HITS,AND I KNEW THAT

'CAUSE, THANK GOD,THEY PUT IT IN A BOOK.

AND I KNEW THAT IT MIGHT HAPPEN,

SO I WAS PRACTICINGAT THE HOUSE, YOU KNOW,

HIT THE FLOOR LIKE A MAN,

'CAUSE I'M IN FRONT OF SOLDIERS,YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

BUT WHEN THE ALARM WENT OFF,I FELL LIKE THIS... AAH! HA HA!

EVEN THE GAY GUYS WERE LIKE,"AAH! AAH! AAH!

WHO'S A FAIRY NOW, CARLOS?"

FOR KILLING DOGS.

NOW DON'T MISUNDERSTAND ME.

I THINK MICHAEL VICK SHOULD GOTO JAIL FOR WHAT HE DID.

BUT TWO YEARSFOR KILLING DOGS?

YOU KNOW SOMEWHEREROBERT BLAKE AND O.J. SIMPSON

ARE GOING,"DAMN, THAT BROTHER GOT (bleep)"

(cheering)

WHAT? TWO YEARS?

THAT'S EXCESSIVE.

WHEN CRIMES LIKE THIS OCCUR,YOU GOTTA TAKE INTO ACCOUNT,

HEY, HE WAS A KID.

HIS DAD TOOK HIMTO GO WATCH DOGFIGHTS.

HE THOUGHT THAT WAS NORMAL.I KNOW.

I COME FROM THE COCKFIGHTINGEXPERIENCE MYSELF.

SEE, BUT LOOK AT SOME OF YOU.SOME OF YOU ARE GOING,

"I DON'T CARE WHY, CARLOS.HE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER."

SEE? THE LADY OVER THERE.DID YOU HEAR?

SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER?REALLY, WHITE LADY?

LIKE WHITE PEOPLESHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER

THAN TO TREAT BLACK PEOPLELIKE SLAVES FOR 400 YEARS?

(cheering)

SEE? SEE?LOOK AT THE WHITE PEOPLE.

"IT'S DIFFERENT!EVERYBODY HAD SLAVES BACK THEN.

IT WAS NORMAL."

YEAH, BACK IN THE DAY,SLAVES WERE LIKE iPhones.

EVERYBODY WANTED ONE.

"THIS IS MY SLAVE! HE'S..."

(laughs)

"AND THIS ISMY NEW iTouch SLAVE.

THIS IS AN UPGRADE."

"BECAUSE, CARLOS, THERE ISA RIGHT, AND THERE IS A WRONG."

SHUT UP. NO, THERE IS NOT.

THERE IS A JUST,AND THERE IS AN UNJUST.

WHAT YOU JUSTIFY ISWHAT YOU THINK IS RIGHT.

WHAT YOU CAN'T,YOU THINK IS WRONG.

BUT IT IS A MATTEROF PERSPECTIVE.

THERE IS A HUGE WORLD OUT THERE.REMEMBER THAT.

HERE INTHE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA,

WE ARE SAYING, "OH, MY GOD."(sniffles)

"HE MADE THOSE DOGS FIGHT,AND THEN HE KILLED 'EM,

AND THEN HE BURIED 'EMIN HIS BACKYARD!"

MEANWHILE IN ASIA,THEY'RE GOING...

(imitates Asian accent, gasps)"HE NO EAT THE DOG?

"OH! THAT SO STUPID!

"BLACK PEOPLE EAT THE CHITLIN,BUT NOT THE DOG?

IT'S LIKE A CHICKEN WING."(makes chomping sounds)

MY FRIEND COMES UP. HE'S LIKE,"HEY, MAN. SERIOUSLY, BRO,

"I UNDERSTANDWHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO DO, MAN,

BUT YOU SHOULDN'T DEFENDMICHAEL VICK."

AND HERE'S THE IRONIC PART.

HE HOLDS UPA DOUBLE CHEESEBURGER AND GOES,

"'CAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT?

THE WAY HE TREATED ANIMALSIS JUST DESPICABLE."

I KNOW. I'VE BEEN THERE.I JUST GOT BACK.

I WAS PERFORMINGFOR THE TROOPS IN IRAQ.

YES.

(cheering)

YEAH.

THEY SENT ME THIS BOOK

ON ALL THE THINGSTHAT'S "AMERICAN"

I MIGHT DISCOVERI'M SUPPOSED TO DO

AS A REPRESENTATIVEOF OUR GREAT COUNTRY,

SO I READ THIS BOOK,AND I WAS LIKE,

"OH, MY GOD.THIS IS GREAT."

EXCEPT THIS IS WHAT HAPPENSWHEN WE IGNORE RACE.

IT WAS A BOOK FOR AMERICANS.

THEY SHOULD'VE HAD, LIKE,A LATINO VERSION

OR, UH, JUST A LITTLE SECTIONAT THE END THAT SAYS,

"FOR LATINOS ONLY,"

AND THAT PORTION SHOULD'VE SAIDTO PEOPLE LIKE ME,

"WHEN YOU LANDIN THE MIDDLE EAST,

"DON'T BE AFRAID. THESE PEOPLELOOK A LOT LIKE YOUR FAMILY."

THAT WOULD HAVE BEENREALLY NICE TO KNOW.

(laughter)

AND HERE'S HOW I KNOW

THAT NOT ONLY DID THEY LOOKLIKE MY PEOPLE,

I LOOK LIKE THEIR PEOPLE.YEAH.

SO I'M WALKIN' AROUND--

TWO WHITE GUYS,A BLACK GUY AND ME, RIGHT?

AND ANYTIME ANYBODYTHAT SPOKE ENGLISH WOULD SEE US,

THEY'D SEE THE FIRST,LIKE, WHITE GUY, AND GO,

"HEY, HOW ARE YOU?" THE OTHERWHITE GUY--"HEY, HOW ARE YOU?"

THE BLACK GUY,"HEY, HOW ARE YOU?"

THEN THEY'D SEE ME AND GO,"AH..."

(imitates speakingMiddle Eastern language)

AND THE FIRST TIME I HEARD IT,

I WAS GONNA SAY,"I'M AN AMERICAN, BITCH,"

BUT THEN I REMEMBERED,I'M IN THEIR COUNTRY.

WHAT IF SOME THINGS GO DOWN,

AND THEY WANTTO KILL THE AMERICANS?

"ALAIKUM ASALAAM!"THAT WAS ME THE WHOLE TIME.

"ASALAAM ALAIKUM.ALAIKUM ASALAAM."

I GOT BORED. I STARTED ADDINGSTUFF. "ALAIKUM ASALAAM..."

(imitates speakingMiddle Eastern language)

I SAID SOMETHING AT ONE POINT.

THE GUY STARTED LAUGHING--"HA HA!"

MY FRIEND'S LIKE,"WHAT DID YOU SAY?"

"I HAVE NO IDEA.DON'T LOOK AT HIM IN THE EYE.

"SERIOUSLY, JUST WALK AWAY.

"I THINK I MIGHT HAVE SAIDSOMETHING LIKE 'KILL WHITEY,'

BUT I DON'T KNOW. JUSTKEEP WALKING, DUDE, SERIOUSLY."

HERE'S ANOTHER THINGTHEY TOLD ME IN THAT BOOK.

YOU CAN'T BRING PORK PRODUCTSINTO THE MIDDLE EAST.

I THOUGHT THAT WAS HYSTERICAL.I SHOWED IT TO MY FAMILY.

WE ALL GOT A BIG LAUGH.MY DAD TOOK IT A STEP FURTHER.

HE THOUGHT IT WOULD BE REALLY FUNNY,

AFTER I PACKED MY BAGS, TO PUTBACON BITS ON THE TOP OF MY BAG.

YEAH. SO I GET THERE,

AND THE GUY CHECKINGMY BAG GOES...

(Middle Eastern accent)"IS THIS YOUR BAG?"

I GO, "YEAH, WHY?"

"WHAT IS THIS?"

HE PULLS OUTA BAG OF BACON BITS.

I START LAUGHING MY ASS OFF.HE GETS PISSED.

"YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY?"

"WELL, IN AMERICA,IT'S HYSTERICAL.

DESTROYING IT,

'CAUSE THERE'S NO TRUTH ANYMORE,

AND THEN WE BELITTLE THINGS,

LIKE REMEMBER WHENSUPERHEROES WERE THE BOMB?

I DO. I REMEMBER WAKIN' UPON SATURDAY MORNING,

AND THE JUSTICE LEAGUEOF AMERICA KICKED ASS,

AND THE LEGION OF DOOM LOSTEVERY WEEKEND. THAT WAS IT.

THEY DIDN'T CRY ABOUT ANYTHING.

LOOK AT OUR SUPERHEROES NOW.

OH, MY GOD. HAVE YOU SEENANY OF THE "SPIDER-MAN" MOVIES?

ANY OF THEM?THEY'RE ALL THE SAME.

SPIDER-MAN'S LIKE...

"I DON'T KNOWIF I SHOULD BE SPIDER-MAN.

"IT'S REALLY HARDTO BE SPIDER-MAN.

"A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T KNOWWHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE SPIDER-MAN,

"'CAUSE IF THEY KNEW,THEN MAYBE THEY--

'CAUSE WITH POWER COMESRESPONSIBILITY, AND THEN--"

GO TAKE A POTTERY CLASS,SPIDER-BITCH. JESUS CHRIST!

STUPID-ASS WHITE SPIDER-MAN.

"I DON'T WISH THIS CURSEON ANYONE."

ARE YOU RETARDED?

YOU ARE A SUPERHERO.JESUS CHRIST.

I HOPE A LATINO COMES INAND BECOMES SPIDER-MAN,

BECAUSE HERE'S THE DEAL,

AND LOOK AT MEWHEN I TELL YOU THIS,

IF A LATINO GOT BIT BY A SPIDER,AND THE NEXT DAY,

HE WOKE UP ALL STRONGWITH THE ABILITY TO FLY AROUND,

HE WOULD CALLALL HIS FAMILY MEMBERS,

"EH, GO TO THE MUSEUM,AND FI--AND FIND A SPIDER

"AND MAKE IT BITE YOU,

AND THEN TOMORROW...(shouts indistinctly)

SPIDER-MAN...

"WHAT AM I GONNA USEMY POWERS FOR?"

THE CUBAN SPIDER-MAN

WOULD GO TO CUBA,AND THEN GO, "MAMI."

(makes whooshing sound)

(laughter)

"PAPI!"

(makes whooshing sound)

"I'M GONNA MAKEA BOAT FOR YOU..."

(makes spraying sound)

"WITH A SAIL."

(makes spraying sound)

(cheering)

SEE?

LOOK AT SUPERMAN.

THIS GUY...

"SUPERMAN RETURNS."

MOVIE SHOULD'VE BEEN CALLED"SUPERMAN RETURNS... GAY."

(laughter)

"I LOVE LOIS LANE,

BUT SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND.WHAT SHOULD I DO?"

COME HERE. BEND HER OVERAND LAY SOME SUPERMAN PIPES,

FOR CHRISSAKES.

SHOW HER THE KRYPTONITE.SHOW HER THE KRYPTONITE!

GET ALL FEBRUARY ON YOU.

(laughter)

LOOK AT THE STUPID PEOPLE.

"WHAT DOES FEBRUARY HAVE TO DOWITH BLACK PEOPLE, CARLOS?"

LET'S JUST MOVE ON.THERE'S NO TIME FOR YOU IDIOTS.

THIS IS NOT A REMEDIAL CLASS.

IT'S ONLY THE 2nd.WE GOT 28 MORE DAYS OF THIS!

(audience membersshouting indistinctly)

OH, IT'S ONLY 26 MORE DAYS.

I KNOW,BUT IT'S A LEAP YEAR.

SON OF A BITCH!

THAT'S 24 MORE HOURS OF...

♪ BLACK, BLACK, BLACK-ITY BLACK,BLACK, BLACK, BLACK ♪

♪ BLACK, BLACK, BLACK, BLACKA-BLACK, BLACK, BLACK, BLACK! ♪

(laughter)

I SWEAR TO GOD,FEBRUARY, MAN--

BLACK PEOPLE TALK SO MUCHABOUT BLACK HISTORY MONTH.

I SWEAR TO GOD, I GO TO SLEEPBEFORE THE SUN GOES DOWN

JUST 'CAUSE I DON'T EVENWANNA THINK DARKNESS.

(laughter)

(woman) HEY.

(woman) WHOO!

THEN THERE'STHE WHOLE MEXICAN THING NOW.

WHAT IS THIS ALL ABOUT?

"YOU KNOW, EVERYTHING WESTOF THE MISSISSIPPI

USED TO BELONG TO MEXICO."

WHAT?

"AND THE WHITE PEOPLE STOLE IT."

WELL, I'VE BEEN TO MEXICO.

THANK GOD.

(laughter)

THAT PLACE SUCKS.

LOOK AT WHAT WE'VE DONEWITH THE PLACE.

(cheers and applause)

"I THINK WE NEED TO DO MOREFOR THE MEXICAN PEOPLE."

WE ALREADY HAVE.

HOW DO WE FIX THIS PROBLEM?

I'VE BEEN TRYINGTO DO IT FOR YEARS,

BUT I CAN'T SEEMTO GET VERY FAR,

BUT NOW WE CAN CHANGE THIS

BY VOTING FOR THE BLACK GUY,WHITE PEOPLE.

PAY ATTENTION,AND PAY ATTENTION WELL.

IF YOU VOTE THE BLACK GUY INAS PRESIDENT,

BLACK PEOPLE CANNO LONGER BITCH ABOUT RACISM,

AND THE RACE CARDWILL NO LONGER EXIST.

(cheers and applause)

AHA!

THINK ABOUT THAT, WHITE PEOPLE.

ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS CARRYA PICTURE OF OBAMA AROUND.

HOW GREAT IS IT GONNA BE

TO TELL BLACK PEOPLETHEY SUCK AT THEIR JOB?

(laughter)

HOW GREAT IS THAT GONNA BETO GO INTO McDONALD'S AND GO,

"WHAT KIND OF CRAP SERVICEIS THIS?!"

"OH, YOU JUST TRYIN'TO SAY THAT 'CAUSE I'M BLACK."

"WHAT THE HELLARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?"

"AAH! AAH! AAH!"

"EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH, BITCH."

(cheering)

"I DON'T WANT TO HEARNO BITCHIN' FROM YOU, BLACK MAN.

MAKE MY SAMMICH BETTER."

(laughter)

THINK ABOUT THIS ONE--

ALL YOU PEOPLE THAT WORKIN HUMAN RESOURCES,

HOW GREAT IS IT--YOU'RE GONNA BE ABLE

TO LOOK AT A BLACK GUYIN THE FACE AND GO,

"UH, YEAH, I'M SORRY.

"WELL, WE DON'T HAVETO FILL QUOTAS ANYMORE AND...

(laughs)YOU'RE NOT QUALIFIED"?

"WHAT? YOU TRYIN' TO SAYI AIN'T QUALIFIED

'CAUSE I'M BLACK?"

"NO, IT'S 'CAUSE THERE'S NO 'F'IN THE WORD 'TRUTH.'"

(laughter)

WHAT ARE WE DOIN' INSTEAD?

LAYIN' THE GUILTON THE WHITE MAN,

AND I DON'T EVEN CARE.

LAYING GUILT ON WHITE PEOPLEIS FINE WITH ME.

I DON'T CARE.YOU'RE OLD ENOUGH. YOU CAN DEAL.

WHEN WE DO IT TO KIDS IN SCHOOL,THAT'S JUST REPREHENSIBLE, MAN,

AND I'VE BEEN GOIN'TO SCHOOLS NOW,

'CAUSE THEY ASK ME TO TALK.I'VE SEEN IT, MAN.

LITTLE 10-YEAR-OLD WHITE KIDS,AS AN EXAMPLE...

YOU KNOW WHEN THANKSGIVING COMESAROUND WHAT THEY DO, RIGHT?

THEY SEND AN INDIAN TO GO MAKEYOUR LITTLE, POOR WHITE KID

FEEL BAD ABOUT SOMETHIN' THATHAPPENED LIKE 500 YEARS AGO.

SMART.

(deep voice)"UH, THE WHITE MEN CAME

"AND TOOK OUR LAND.

THE WHITE MEN CAMED AND RAPEDOUR PEOPLE. THE WHITE--"

(normal voice)WHOA, WHOA, HEY, BRO.

UNLESS YOU GOT A RECIPE FORMY MOM'S CRAPPY-ASS DRY TURKEY,

GET YOUR ASS OUTTAMY MATH CLASS, SERIOUSLY.

I DON'T NEED TO BEHEARIN' THIS. I ALREADY KNOW.

WE TOOK IT FROM YOU. WE FOUGHT.YOU LOST.

♪ DA, DA

WE KEPT IT.THAT'S HOW IT WORKED OUT.

RIGHT NOWAT THIS VERY MOMENT?

HOW COOL IS THAT?

YEAH.

THIS IS AN AWESOME TIME.

DO YOU UNDERSTANDHOW LUCKY WE ARE AS AMERICANS?

A BLACK DUDEMIGHT BECOME PRESIDENT.

(cheering)

YEAH, AND THE WEIRD PART--HE'S AFRICAN.

THAT'S THE WEIRD PART.SOME OF YOU DIDN'T KNOW.

YOU'RE LIKE, "OH,I DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS AFRICAN."

PLEASE, BARACK OBAMA?WHAT'S HIS MIDDLE NAME?

♪ BUBBA BOOM BUBOLAY

PLEASE. PLEASE.

WHAT'S HIS OPENING SPEECHGONNA BE LIKE?

"MY FELLOW AMERICANS..."

(clicking tongue)

(laughter)

AND HERE'S WHAT SUCKS,ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE WHITE--

IF THIS GUYDOES NOT BECOME PRESIDENT,

THE ENTIRE PLANET WILL THINK

AMERICA IS STILLTHE RACIST COUNTRY

THAT WE USED TO BE200 YEARS AGO.

THAT SUCKS.

(whiny voice) "YOU WHITE PEOPLE,YOU HAVE TO VOTE FOR HIM."

(normal voice)AND YOU KNOW THAT IF YOU DON'T,

BLACK PEOPLE ARE REALLY GONNABE PISSED OFF AT YOU...

(woman) WHOO!

'CAUSE BLACK PEOPLEARE GONNA BE LIKE,

"COME ON, CRACKERS.

"WE GAVE YOUTHE WHITEST BLACK MAN

ON THE PLANET!"

(laughter)

"HE AIN'T EVEN BLACK.HE LIKE HOT YELLOW.

"COME ON, CRACKERS!

HE TALK LIKE YOUAND EVERYTHANG."

I GOT A BLACK FRIEND--RANDY.

I GO,"RANDY, WHO YOU VOTING FOR?"

HE LOOKED AT MERIGHT IN THE FACE AND WENT...

"(scoffs) I AIN'T VOTINGFOR THE BROTHER."

WHAT?

'CAUSE IF THERE WAS A BEANER,I'D VOTE FOR HIS ASS.

DID SOME RESEARCH,CAME TO FIND OUT,

A LOT OF BLACK PEOPLE ARE NOTVOTING FOR THE BLACK CANDIDATE,

WHICH SAYS SO MUCHABOUT THE LACK OF RACISM

IN THIS COUNTRY,BECAUSE IN THE '50s,

EVERY BLACK PERSONWOULD HAVE VOTED,

AND EVERY BLACK PERSON WOULDHAVE VOTED FOR THE BLACK GUY,

BUT MY BLACK FRIEND WAS LIKE,"HELL, NO, MAN.

I'M A REAL BLACK MAN,KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'?"

AND I WAS LIKE, "WELL,A REAL BLACK MAN WOULD VOTE

FOR THE BLACK CANDIDATE.WHO YOU VOTIN' FOR?"

HE GOES,"I'M VOTIN' FOR THE BEEYOTCH."

AIN'T THAT SOMETHIN'?

"YOU KNOW A BLACK MANCAN'T RESIST

"A WHITE WOMAN WITH A BIG ASS,DAWG. HA HA.

YOU A PIMP, DAWG?YOU A PIMP?"

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