Oh, hey, yeah, hey!
Oh, goodness, look at this.
What are we doing?We're into it.
Here we are.You guys came out, good!
Good, good stuff. This side,you guys showed up, thank you.
Oh, this is fun already!
Already it's fun! Who's alreadychanged the channel?
Like, "Hm, nah..."
"You know what, nah..."
"No, I thought for a second,maybe that channel,
not that channel now."
"No, I went into it, thinkingthat was the channel.
I was wrong. I was way wrong."
They change the channelbut come back, and I'm just...
(high-pitched): "And then, whathappened? Who's over here?"
God, I got to remember to dothat at the end, just in case
someone goes, "Hey, flip backand see how he closes."
(high-pitched):"And then you're over here!"
But you guys are laughing.
People at home thinkyou're crazy.
Who is in that audience?!
What does he have?!
He's got nothing!
Flew in, flew in.Uh, do not like to fly.
And I tell my friends,they're like,
"Oh, you afraidyou're going to die?"
No, I just don't really likegetting talked down to
the moment I walkinto the airport.
Let's pull it back, TSA.
Let's pull it back one notch.
You walk in, they just tell you,"Your shoes have to be off!"
"Your shoes have to be off andthey have to go on the belt."
"Take your belt off!Do you have a belt on?!"
"Well, then that comes off."
You're talking down to me?
This is like one of theonly places I walk into,
look around, and immediatelyassume that if I wanted to,
I could just be the manager.
You know what I mean?
Like, I'm one application away
from just owningwhatever this is.
And you're talking down to me."Get your, get your belt off."
"Do you have anything anythingin your pockets?"
"No, you can putyour I.D. away.
You don't have toshow that anymore."
They honestly thinkthat we're going,
"When can I showmy I.D. again?!"
"When can Iget this out again?!"
"You can put it away. "
"You don't need your I.D."
"Get everything outof your pockets,
"put it in the smaller tub.If you have stuff in there,
"it goes in smaller... You haveto get your computer out.
"Your computer cannotbe touching socks
"when it goes through that.
It has to bein its own tub. Duh."
We all know that.
Computers can't touch socks when
they go throughwhatever that is.
Know that kind of stuff.
"Get it out, yes,get it in a separate bin!"
"Put it through.Now, put it on there!"
"Now, put your shoes on... No!No! Shoes go by themselves!"
"Now, no, no, right there!Now grab the flag,
give it to your dad, tell themwhat they've won!"
Why do you got the dadat the end in Double Dare?
You go with the youngest;Dad doesn't care at the end.
He's barely moving.
He was out of shapewhen you got there.
He's not winning a bicycle,you get the...
"Scotty, get up there!"
"Dive at the endif you have to."
" Double Dare ?! I like Storage Wars ."
"I'm more into Storage Wars."
"I hope he has somethingon Storage Wars."
Turns out I do; here it is.
You watch that show?
You watch Storage Wars?
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Yeah.You watch it likethat's your life?
That's your life?You go to a storage facility.
Someone opens a door,"I don't know, a thousand!"
"I just see all the boxes!I don't know!"
"Just the... that's what I do!"
"Turns out the unitwas worth $1,500."
That's how you knowthe U.S. Government
is now involved in television production.
They're like, "Hey, makesome shows where they think
200 bucks is cool, y-y-yeah."
"No, no, the economy'snot doing well."
"Make 'em think $200 is sweet."
Used to be Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. Nope. 100 bucks.
"100 bu...Oh! (chuckles) okay."
"Okay, we are sittin' pretty,(chuckles) yeah."
(with Southern accent):"They opened up, the, uh,
they opened up the door. I lookin the back corner, I'm like...
"That's a gumball machine!David!
"That's a gumball machineback there!
"Da... get over here, David.
"That's a gu...It's a gumball machine,
"or it's some kind ofweird aquarium for gumballs.
Okay? Come on, Dave."
I yelled out, I said 100.I'm going 100.
Turns out, that thing...
♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah,ah, ah... ♪
♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah,ah, ah, ah, ah... ♪
38 bucks! Yeah!
You watch that, you watch itand you're like,
"Geez, is that your life?"And you take one step back
and you're like, "Oh, my God,I'm watching your life.
Who am I?"
I like it if the pilothas a Southern accent
when I get on to a plane.
That calms me down.You know why?
They say "hi" right away.They say "hello."
Have you ever beenon a flight where
the pilot doesn't say anything,
and you're like 30 secondsfrom takeoff?
You freak, you're like,"Who's up there?"
"Who is doing this, okay?!
"We're kind of freaked out.Have been,
have been fora couple years, yeah."
When I get onto a flight,if the flight crew
hasn't said hello,I freak out at my seat.
I'm like,"These are Russian terrorists."
"This is happening, this ishappening right now."
"Are you ready for this?"
"Are you ready to bein a Steven Seagal movie?
Are you ready for that?
Does everyone here knowslow uninteresting karate?
'Cause if you do, you canbe the lead if you want...
to be the lead in this."
You know whenthe flight crew's Southern.
You're walking to your seat."Really, we're already
talking about the Forth of July?It's February."
That's small-talkyou can't teach.
You either got it or you don't.
Love it whenthe pilot's Southern.
"Hey, how you folksdoing back there?"
Whole lot better now that I knowyou're in charge.
"We're going to take this thingupstairs to God's country."
What did he just sa... ah...
Ah, like a good hurt.
Ow, but oh, I like it.
"Sorry that we're getting out ofthe gate kind of late today."
"We're gonna fly itlike we stole it. (chuckles)"
"Who's, uh,who's up there, huh?"
"Mr. Perfect-pants?Who's flying this thing?"
"Fly like we stole, okay, yeah,no one stole anything."
I think no one got the joke."No one stole anything."
"He's just going to fly faster,if you're wo... interest..."
"Yeah, yeah, it's a joke."
"Well, you should haveyour headphones off.
The door's closed. So, youshould have those off."
I'm that guy on the flight,I'm like, "(fake laugh) Him!"
"Him, he's the one who doesn'tcare about other people."
Just take a big ol' siphere of my diarrhea cup
if ya'll don't mind.
Mmm, it's good,it's showbiz, showbiz.
A lot of people drink diarrhea.
You ever been on a flight andthe person sitting next to you
gets up to go to the bathroom?
And they're gonefor just a really long time?
You freak out, don't you?
You know you freak out. You'relike, "Okay, what is this?"
How do you even report that?
"Hi, yeah, no,the guy sitting next to me,
"uh, he's been gonefor quite a bit.
"He's eitherpoopity-pooping, or...
he is a terrorist. There's no...It's one or the other."
"There's no middle ground,not these days."
steal an old person?
Oh, I guess everyone herehas their grandparents.
Some of us don't;we got to replace ours, okay?
Here's a tip:
Old people in wheelchairs...
rarely turn aroundto see who's pushing 'em.
You're at the store,you see a wheelchair...
No one's stopping you.
"Hey, where you goingwith that old person?"
That's never been said. That'sthe first time that's been said.
"Hey, where you goingwith those old people?!"
No one's asking that.No one cares.
When old people are around,everybody's thought is,
"Hey, (murmurs): get theseold people out of there.
Get them out of here."Okay, I'll help.
Don't say anything.
You get out to the parking lot--"That's not our car."
You're my grandmother now.
Folks, find the positive.
I have seven grandmothersright now.
You know how great that is?
I love the one grandmother;her love is so strong.
I'm leaving in the morning,make an announcement.
"Hey, I'll be home at 3:00!
"Everybody bakes cookies!
Everybody. We'll seewho did the best."
I come home at 3:00-- "Home!
"Let's do it!
Grandmother number one."
"Was that raisins?What was that?"
"act like you want it.
"Grandmother number two!
"Ooh, is thatmint chocolate chip?
Good for you."
"Mmm! (chuckles) Mmm!
"Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!
"We have a winner!
"Other five, no need to test.
"Get out of here. Do a lap.
Guess who gets to watchan hour of Nancy Grace tonight?"
You guys ever beento a sex shop?
Let me rephrase that,
make it more comfortablefor everybody.
Who here hasn't beento a sex shop?
Oh, that's what I thought!
Where were youon the first question?
Just filling out halfthe application tonight?
Don't put our address.Don't put our address.
See what they say.
We all know the dealon the sex shop. We get it.
No one will look at each other.
Everybody's just eyes down,you try to stand close
to whatever it isyou're looking at.
What is that?
What the hell is that?
You feel like your deadrelatives are shopping with you.
It's awkward, it's awkward.
We know what's in there, though.
You guys get it: costumes,toys, lubrications...
I was standing in a sex shop,
I was looking at the toys,
just looking at the fake ass.
You know what I'm talking about?
You know, and even if you don'tknow what I'm talking about,
you kind of know exactlywhat I'm talking about.
You know what I'm talking about.
It's just an ass.Just a vagina and an anus.
That's all it is.We know the deal.
Stared at it for five minutes,
sizing it up.
At the end of five minutes,I was, like, "You know what?
"Yes, I would have sexwith that.
Yes, I would. I would."
No one's ever gonna knowif I did or not?
Then yes, of course.I was gonna masturbate anyways.
Let's get some music in there,you know what I mean?
Hey, you going downto the field?
Why don't you take the equipmentwith you?
Have the closest thing you canget to a sex scrimmage.
Guys, don't know whenthey're gonna masturbate.
We don't know whenwe're gonna do it.
It just happens.You'll be home, no one's there.
"Hey, is anybody here?
"Ah, okay. Meh. Mah.
All guys do that beforethey decide
they're gonna masturbate?
Mah, meh, meh, meh, mah!Now I have to, now I have to.
Can't do this for my whole life.
Oh, I got to jerk off!
That's how it is. We don't knowwhen we're gonna do it.
We just do it.
You buy that fake ass,
you got to start puttinga schedule together.
Like, you got to know whatTuesday looks like on Sunday,
you know what I mean?
"Hey, what time are you gonnabe home from work again?
"For sure, 4:30? For sure?
It doesn't matterwhy I'm asking!"
You got to factor in how longit's gonna take
to climb into the atticwhere you've hidden it...
behind the early Christmaspurchases.
Oh, there you are. Come on.
I'm ready with excuses.
Like, if somebody walks in--
not somebody-- my girlfriend.
Not just somebody.
If just somebody walked in,that's on me.
You know what I mean?That's on me.
If just somebody walked in,
I made bad choiceswell before this moment
if just somebody walked in.
I deserve it. I deserve that.
Oh, hey, sorry. Oh.
Girlfriend.If my girlfriend walks in,
I'm ready to go.
"Oh, my God,what are you doing?!
"I don't know, practicing?
"I love you, okay?Turns out I love you.
"I want to be better at thisfor you, okay?
"I'm tired of being the only onethat gets off, you know?
"I hate that.
"And you know what?You could help out, too, okay?
"You could get ridof your legs
"and you could cut offthat torso
"because this,I could work with, okay?
"I can play the angles in there!I'm good in there!
"And I know someonewho doesn't cry
when I try to put itin the B-U-T-T! Okay?"
God, I want some moreof that diarrhea.
I know it's not gonna happen,but if you could,
could you just make sure
to keep in allthe diarrhea stuff?
Because if someone is justflipping channels,
I really want that to happen
'cause that looks like diarrhea.
And then they will stayon the channel.
"Whoa. What's this?
"Get in here. Kids, get in here!
"A guy drinking diarrhea!Now! Get in here!
Got to see it!"
I was recently inTampa Bay, Florida.
Okay. I thought that.
Some friends wanted to goto a strip club.
I said, "No, no thanks.It's not for me.
Don't really enjoy doing it."
They said, "Well, at this stripclub, you can touch the girls
while they dance on you."
And I said,"Then let's go do that.
"Let's go do that.That sounds great.
"That sounds really great.
"Can we go now?Can we just be there?
"Can we just be there now?How do we get there?
"Is there a faster wayto get there
"than the fastest wayto get there?
"Can we just happento be at it now?
"That sounds great. I'm in.
"Why didn't you say thatat the beginning?
"Why didn't you just walk upand be,
'Hey, I know of a roomwe can go to
'where we can touch girlswhile they dance on us.'"
"I would have been, like,
"I'm sorry.Do you mean a strip club?
"But just to be clear here,it doesn't have to be one.
"I mean, if it really is justa room in a shed in the woods,
"I'm still in.
"Like, I want to go.Definitely going.
So, yeah, let's do that."
It was a lot of fun, you guys.A whole lot of fun.
A lot of booby touching.
You're thinking, "Come on."I'm weird.
We're adults here.
I just told you there's a placeyou can to go to,
and women just let youtouch their boobs.
Guys, I'm gonna takeall the bullets on this? Really?
You know in your head,you're, like
Yes! I'll never go,but I like that it's an option!"
I'm telling you whereparadise is.
It was fun.
I know some people,"I don't like that.
What, did you touch those girlsin their downstairs area?"
How about no?'Cause I respect women.
And also it was oneof the rules.
Downside, though, is nowwhenever I'm in another city,
people are, like, "Hey,let's go to a strip club,"
I've always got to chime inas the creepy dude who's, like,
"Hey, do you know if we'reallowed to touch the girls?"