I'm so happy to be here.
Thank you, Comedy Central,for making my life better
and, uh, not flying meon Spirit Airlines here,
how about that.
(laughs) I was like, you knowyour career doing better
when you can fly better.
Like, anybody everflew Spirit before?
Nah, why y'all cheering?
That's the worst air--Look, look...
Spirit is terrible.
They don't even gotno seat belts on there.
You holding handswith everybody in your row.
They got a hold-hand light.
"Hey, y'all,the hold-hand light on!"
The hold-hand light.
All their flight attendants
old, black men...with attitude problems.
Let me tell youwhat happen, right.
I was sitting in the emergency,right? This a true story.
I'm in the emergency seat.
And you know they supposedto give you directions,
or make sureyou can save people?
He came over therewith attitude.
"Goddamn it,let me ask you something.
If this plane go down, whatthe hell you gonna do for us?"
"What the hell you mean?"
"Are you Wesley Snipes or not?!"
(laughs):Can't save you.
I love being Wesley Snipes dark.
There's some perks.
It don't mean nothingwhen you're a kid though.
Can't see none of yourschool pictures-- all teeth.
Like, look at them teeth, golly.
Look at them fourth-grade teeth.
So happy to be here, man.
You know, you know, I'm married.
Yeah, don't clap ifyou ain't happy. Don't do it.
People here with attitudes.
"How you know, fam?"
Let me say this.
You don't understand,when you get married,
that's when you startnoticing things.
Like, I didn't know womenwore wigs until I said "I do."
I did not know that.
I thought my wife had--
I thought she was gettingher hair done every day, fresh.
I didn't knowshe had a wig game.
Soon as we got married,
I couldn't even sleepthe first night.
She had a bunch of dummieson the dresser.
I'm like, "Who are you?
Who are you?!"
All them damn wigson the damn dresser.
Then they leavethe wig anywhere.
I got about, like,five PlayStations,
'cause she want to leave hair--wig hair on the PlayStation.
You know how hard it isto explain to some kid
at a GameStop what's wrongwith your PlayStation?
"Did you, uh, keep it on?"
"Nah, there's some wig hairin there. Um..."
She get drunk and throw it off.
I love going out
where you see femaleswith the wigs
and they forget they got it on;you ever see that?
It gets so hot in the club,they get to digging in it.
Nah, too late, mother...
I saw the (bleep) do-rag.
But let me say this, ladies.
Look, don't clap; I ain't done.
'Cause you might not like meif you wear a wig.
But I'm gonna say this,I'd rather buy you a wig.
It's cheaper, okay?
It's way cheaperthan getting your hair done.
I'd rather take youwig shopping, okay?
We take you wig shopping,we go to the best beauty supply
money can buy,and I'll get you the best wig
that you could ever buy.
We walk in there, they got toget your wig down with a stick.
That's how expensiveyour wig is.
I walk in,there's a dude with a stick.
"Oh, you want the human hair,hold on.
"Must be a baller, yo.
"We got to keepthe human hair up here.
Yo, them crackheadssteal human hair in our store."
Some of y'all got money.
Y'all ain't never seenthe stick man before.
When you livein a messed up neighborhood,
the stick man exists.
'Cause the dope fiendssteal everything.
So they got to keep everythinghigh up.
You go in our grocery store,they get stuff down with a stick
they ain't supposed to.
"Hold on, you wantthe two percent whole milk.
"Well, these crackheadsare stealing
"the hell out this milk.
Who the hellbuying bootleg milk?
they was tryingto take that away.
Please keep it.
'Cause everybodyshouldn't be having babies.
And I'll be on TV and say this.
I don't care who gets mad at me.
Real talk.(crowd cheering)
Everybody shouldn't behaving no damn babies.
Especially hood rats--they are terrible mothers.
I don't give a... put me in...
Yes, quote it.
I don't care who gets mad.
Hood rats are bad mothers.
They really are--they make their kids
grow up too damn fast.
You ever talkto a little ghetto-ass kid?
Very articulate,'cause he don't...
He-- that's the only wayhe get things done.
"How you doing, brother.Uh, could you change me?"
"Damn, how old are you?"
"I'm two, sir.I don't know where my mother is.
Sick of raising myself."
Like, damn, you mature.
And they be talking totheir kids like they grown.
Like, like it's their fault,you know what I'm saying?
Like, "Damn,why your nose running? Ugh."
"I don't know,maybe 'cause I'm two.
"I don't know, I don't knowhow to do that.
"I saw some kids with the littlesquishy thing that comes...
stuff come out andyou're not doing it for me."
You don't want your kidsgoing to a day care
with a bunch of hood rats' kids.
Let me tell you how you know youyou walking into a bad day care.
When you walk in there, you seenumbered car seats lined up.
Let me tell you why-- those kidsare just getting dropped off,
and they don't knowwho picking them up.
I like how white people aahing.
It's the truth--y'all better stop aahing
and do something about it.
It's the (bleep) truth.
You see the kidsget dropped off.
You know how strong a little boy
got to be to holdhis own car seat?
He three years old.
"All right, Mama, take care."
The school not even open yet.
He just chilling."How y'all doing?
She must've had a job interviewor something, golly."
(laughs)He know the ja...
"Hey, Marvin, I'm outside!"
He know the janitor name.
"Marvin, Little Larry here.
Could you openthe door, please?"
Little boy's strong as hell,holding his own car seat.
He got to learnhow to do stuff on his own.
He's signing hisself out.
He can't even read yet,but he...
He don't knowwho picking him up.
"All right, let me getup out of here, all right.
"Are you herefor Little Larry? No?
Damn, y'all got some Wite-Out?I already signed out."
Look, I went to pick mykids up one day, right?
And it was one little boy left.
And I guess he was tired--he's like, "Look here, brother.
"Uh... I can tellyou're a real good parent,
"and I've been waiting on you.
"I'm locking up.
Uh, the teacher left."
I'm like, "The teacher left?"
"Yeah, it's partof my work study.
That's the only wayI can be here."
"You got work studyat day care?"
"Yes, work study-- that's theonly way I could be here, sir.
"That's a whole nother story.
"Anyway, can I get a lift? Uh...
"I don't knowwho's picking me up.
Uh, I changed your kids."
"How the hellyou change my kids?"
"I did it, sir;I have brothers and sisters
at home that I take care of."
"It doesn't matter, sir;I'm very mature."
He done dug in his diaper.
"Look, I got five dollars, sir.
"Here's a littlegas money for you.
"You don't have to do anything.
"I'm strong as hell.I carry my own car seat.
"You ain't got to a damn thing,sir, you hear me?
I set it up myselfand everything."
I'm like, "Come on, now,you gonna set up your own...
your own car seat?"
He's like,"Yes, sir, yes, I will."
And that's why I gave him a ride'cause I wanted to see it.
I'm like, "All right."
So we walk to the car--I'm gonna show y'all exact...
And he was talking to himselfwhile he's doing it.
Like, it was so funny.
He's like,"Okay, okay, here we go.
"Ooh, you know, 'cause sometimesy'all put us in here
"and the seat beltstill be loose,
"but you guys don't get it.
"Okay, that's tight, all right.
Make a left."
I drop him off, right?
This is-- I can't make this up.I drop him off.
He take it off, "Okay.
"Take care, brother.
"You are a good man of God,you know that?
You are a blessing."
I didn't pull off'cause I wanted to make sure
he got in the house safe,but he had an attitude.
He got on the porch,"Hey, everybody, hey!
"Little Larry is home!
"I'm sick of this mess, okay?
"Y'all watch the Love & Hip-Hop reunion every day.
"You forgot to pick me up.
"I'm sick of this.
Just for that,I'm cutting everything off."
They done put everythingin his name.
"I'm cutting everything off!
"The lights, the gas, the cable.
"It's all off!
"How you like those apples?
I just grew my hair,and I'm losing it again."
Let me say this.
I hate that, like, you know,
I think they should putan age limit on who buy phones.
I'm serious, like,you don't want nobody--
Somebody over the age of 55shouldn't be buying no iPhone.
I go to my grandfather house.
He got a grocery list
full of apps he want meto download.
It's stuffthat's already on there.
Like, "Look here,I want a calculator,
a calendar...I need a contact box."
"It's on here!"
"I don't see it.
I keep doing this,it ain't doing nothing!"
'Cause he hasn't tookthe little thing off with the...
with the display on there.
He think-- all right.
And my uncle, he's 60.
He bought a Bluetooth.
Look, an old black manwith a Bluetooth
is the worst thing you can get.
This dude don't understandhow the sound transfer
perfectly from his mouthto the Bluetooth,
and he think he got to yellat the Bluetooth.
He think he gotto tell the Bluetooth
to do stuff for it to work.And he's loud.
We was in the grocery store."Oh, it's your auntie.
"Hold on.Bluetooth, answer the phone!
"Bluetooth, yeah, yeah!Answer the phone!
"Hold on, other line.
"Click over, Bluetooth. Yeah.
"What up, Frank?
"Conference call, bow bow.
"Double click, everybody,Shirley, Bluetooth.
Go ahead and conferencecall them, Bluetooth."
It ain't a damn robot.
He think the Bluetoothdo everything.
He throw it in the microwave.
"Popcorn, two minutes,Bluetooth, cook it."
This is when I knewhe went too far, right?
It was a bunch of young dudesin front of his house, right?
And they was, they was just...
You know, I'm in Chicago,you know.
Our teenagers is wild,you know what I'm saying?
And they was walkingin his grass.
And that's all black mencare about.
Old black men don't want youin their grass.
You can do whatever you wantanywhere else.
Just don't walk in their grass.
And he don't have a gate around.
He got, like,a shoestring around there
like it's a force field,but it ain't doing nothing.
He like, "Oh, wait a minute.
You see this, Bluetooth?"
He talk to the Bluetoothlike it's a buddy.
"Bluetooth, you see this?
These little jive turkeysin my grass."
They always gotto fix their belts.
"Jive turkeys in that grass.
"Bluetooth, back me up.
"Hey, look here, young bloods!
"You see all the shoestring.
"Look here, man,
don't put your feetin my grass no more."
He's like, "Hey, man, we don'tgive a damn about your old ass.
I'll throw this rock at you."
"Like hell you will.Bluetooth, force field.
Now try it."