Cy Amundson

Cy Amundson reveals the strange ways in which his obsessive-compulsive disorder manifests itself, explains why he loves to lie and describes how to diffuse an argument. (20:42)

♪ ♪

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, Cy Amundson.

(audience cheering and applause)


Oh, man.

This is great.

And look at that.

That's my big ole name,thank you for coming.



Well, I feel like by this point,

everyone's had a chanceto look at me.

Most likely make a firm decision

on the type of personality flawsyou think I have.

That's not an uncommon thing.

I started my day recentlywith a train ride.

I was on the trainand I was telling myself,

"Today is gonna bea good day, Cy.

"Today is gonna be a good day.


Good day."

Got off the train,

hadn't actually beenpart of the day

for more than 30 total seconds,

when a man I have never metin my entire life

walked by and went,

"Look at you,you big, white bitch."

Just kept going.

I'm not saying he was wrong.

Just maybe give mea full minute in my day

before you start shoutinghurtfully accurate shit

from four feet away.

That's a hard wayto start your morning,

with someone just revealingan out-loud truth about you

in public.

"Look at you,

"you tall, white, ganglymother(bleep),

"who cried at an episode of Grey's Anatomy from season five

even though you didn't seeseasons one through four."

But I don't... (chuckles)

I don't blame him.

I get it. He saw me.

I'm big, I stand out.

He thought it, he shouted it.

Two points.

I get it.

I'd like-- I-I'm larger,so I can't, you know,

I can't make uniquefashion choices.

Some guys can wear cowboy hats,and it's fine.

If I wear a cowboy hat,

people are like,"Look at this (bleep) asshole."

I like joggers.

They're a type of pant.

Uh, if you're not familiar,

they're like a,they're like a tight sweatpant,

and they bunch up down in the--

They're, like,a male sweatpant capri.

And they do not look awesome.

But I do love them.

I love them and I, uh,I was wearing some one day

and I had to go to Walgreens.

I'm not getting dressed upfor Walgreens.

The employees at Walgreen'sdon't get dressed up

for Walgreens.

Last time I was at Walgreens,

I'm pretty sureone of the pharmacists

was wearing a"Bring back the McRib" shirt.

I'm not "churching" it upfor the Walgreens.

So, I'm standing in line.

In my my joggersin the Walgreens.

And in line behind me,there's a black dude.

And he's got a shaved mohawk.

And the mohawkis dyed bleach blond.

Now, if we learned anythingabout cool black dudes

in the first joke,

it is that they do havean out-loud opinion of me.

So after a few moments,

he leans in and goes,

"Hey, man.

What the (bleep) kind of pantsare you wearing?"

I was like,"They're called joggers.

"They're a casualmen's sweatpant.

What the (bleep) kindof haircut is that?"

And he paused for a secondand he went,

(clicks tongue) "You right.

We both silly. We both silly."

Are you kidding me?

What an amazing endto an argument?

How great would the world beif that's how arguments ended?

Just likea heated political debate.

Like, "You weren'tin the military,

"your dad wasn'tin the military,

you don't know the military."

"Oh, yeah? Well, you don't knowforeign policy.

And you're just an idiot."

(clicks tongue)"You right.

"We both silly.

We both a bit silly."

Tell you this,

I recently lost a friend,

uh, on Facebook.

And also in real life.

Uh, I lost him because of thissocial media interaction.

Uh, my friend postedthe following:

"Happy birthdayto the most amazing, unique,

"funny and creativesix-year-old son

"a man could ever ask for.

"Daddy loves you so much.

Happy birthday, Timmy."

So I went onand commented on that,

"Hey, man.

Why didn't you tag Timmyin your status?"

And he replied to that,

"Because he's six, he doesn'thave a Facebook account."

And so I replied to that,

"Yeah, exactly.

Stop that shit."

You can't wish someoneHappy Birthday on Facebook

if they don't have an account.

That means it's for you,

and that's (bleep) crazy.

But we all just let it happen

because of the disconnectof social media.

Like 15 years ago,if you would've wanted

that same perversereinforcement from me,

you know the weird behavioryou had to go through to get it?

You'd have literally hadto call me on my telephone.

"Hey, Cy.

"It's my son Tim'ssixth birthday today.

"So I just wanted to say'Happy Birthday, Tim.

"'You light up every roomyou walk into.

"'My days will never be dark nowdue to your presence.

"'And I just love youso much, bud.

"'Daddy loves you so much.Hugs and kisses.

I love you.I love you, bud.'"

"All right, so is he on theother line then, or...

Conference call situation?"

"Nope, he's in his room playingwith his toys by hisself.

"But did I do good?

"Do you like me now?Did I do good?

God, I'm so sad."

I haveObsessive Compulsive Disorder.

Uh, thank you, thank you.

(laughter)For those of youwho are not familiar,

the type I have,

it's connectedto a traumatic event.

So, let's say...

let's say you were in, like,a horrific car accident,

for example.

And then you went to commita simple, everyday activity,

like going downa flight of stairs.

When you got to the bottomof the flight of stairs,

the images from that accident

and the thoughts,would be in your brain

and they would causeyou anxiety.

And you irrationallythink that if you go back

to the top of the stairs,

put new thoughtsand images in your brain,

and then redo the behaviorof going down the stairs,

everything is gonna be fine.

Now, that, like I said,is irrational, right?

But that is how OCD works.

It's an irrational disorder.

So for my OCD,traumatic event disorder...


one of the everyday activities

I have a difficult time withis going in and out of doorways.

And good news,

those are in all of the places.

You a human?

Okay, doors forever.

So I was trying to gointo a grocery store.

I was trying to go back home.

I was trying to go inone of those

sliding grocery store doors.

And I was going in,and coming out.

And in and out, and in and out,just trying to get it right.

You know, so somebody I lovedoesn't pass away.


And I, uh, I remember coming outfor the 12th time.

And I had a tough moment.


"Oh, my gosh.

I don't know if it getsmuch worse than this."

Uh, and then I looked up.

And in front of me on the curb,there was an El Camino.

And in that El Caminothere was a man.

And that man said these words,

"Hey, buddy!

"What the (bleep) is the colorof the sky in your world?

"You (bleep) retard."

(imitates tires screeching)

And he just peeled out.

So first things first,it can get worse.

You can be atan all-time low moment

and get insultedby a dumb hillbilly villain.

Secondly, I was so defeatedby that new moment,

I was like, "Oh, God, no."

That I just walked in the store

and started shopping.

And it wasn't till I wasa couple of aisles in

that I was like, "Wait a second.

"I am in here.

Did that guy justtemporarily fix me?"

Maybe he's nota dumb hillbilly villain,

maybe he's a magicalhillbilly therapist.

Just ripping around townin his El Camino.

Finding people attheir all-time lowest moments.

Shouting shit that's so mean,

they have no excuseexcept to bottom out

and change just a little bit.

Like...(imitates engine running)

(imitates tires screeching)"Hey, buddy.

"Hey, what are you, crying ona park bench all by yourself?

"And you have no ideawhy you're doing it?

You (bleep) soppy fruitcake."

(imitates tires screeching)

(imitates engine running)

(imitates tires screeching)

"Hey, buddy.

"Hey, what are youslipping in and out

"of different personalities?

"Now them personalitiesare at war with one another?

(laughs) You (bleep) queef of ahuman being."

(imitates tires screeching)

(imitates engine running)

(imitates tires screeching)"Hey, buddy.



"What are you sublimatingmemories from your childhood

"that are based upon therelationship with your father

"that two decadesof cognitive behavioral therapy

"attempted to fix?

"And even though you thought youhad those memories repressed,

"they're now sneaking up throughyour subconsciousness

"into the foregroundof your consciousness,

"forcing you to face the factthat you may indeed one day

"become the one man

"you've spent the better partof 30 years hating?

You (bleep) retard."

(imitates tires screeching)

That guy'd have made the best Dukes of Hazzard character

of all-time.

(to Dukes of Hazzard theme):♪ Just fixing your brain ♪

♪ The only way he knows how ♪

♪ Shouting mean shitand then squealing out. ♪

I have a big family.

And I love my family.

The problem when you love people

is you are requiredto support the things

that they chooseto be a part of.

Support isn't alwaysan easy thing.

I think a great example of that

is fourth gradegirl's basketball.

I didn't say"Adult women's basketball."

I said "Fourth gradegirl's basketball."

I have a niece, last year,

who played fourth gradegirl's basketball.

I love her.

I went to every singleone of her games.

Last game I went to,

halftime, three to two.

That's a boring hockey match.

Still not convinced?

Here, I'll do my impression

of every fourth grade girl'sbasketball game of all-time.

"All right,ladies and gentlemen,

"welcome back to the JeffersonArea Middle School Gymnasium,

"slash cafeteria, slash placewe have band concerts.

"We're about readyfor tip-off here.

"Hope you're comfortable in thathorrible, tiny, plastic chair.

"Here we go, the ball goes up...

"and someone is hurt.

"She is crying.

"She is really crying.

"They walk her over to the benchand everyone applauds.

"We're back to the action.

"And it's an air ball.

"Air ball, travelling jump ball,

"way too hard off the backboard.

"One of the dads,who's clearly living vicariously

"through his daughter,shouts something

"that makes the whole gymnasiumuncomfortable.

"Travelling, travelling,travelling.

"Ill-advised three-pointer.

"Ooh, number 23...

"is braidingthe opponents' hair.

"It's an intriguingdefensive strategy.

"Air ball, air ball, air ball.

"Oh, no, now one of the othergirls is hurt.

"Now she's crying more.

"Now all the girls are crying.

"Now some of the momsare crying.

"Is she gonna be okay?

"Is she gonna be okay?!

"It's a stubbed toe.

"I think she's gonna be fine.

"Travelling, travelling,travelling,

"travelling,travelling, travelling,

"travelling, travelling, whoa...

"travelling, travelling, tr--"

"Dribble it!

"Dribble the (bleep) ball!

"It's a rubber circle.

"How haven't you figuredthis shit out?

"It's the fourth game!

"You're the worse groupof parents of all-time!

"This is what happenswhen everybody gets a trophy.

"(bleep) my (bleep) dick.

"Oh, no, (bleep)-- no.

"(bleep) you, little kids!

"(bleep) this shit.

"I'm out.(bleep) little kids.

(bleep) you kids,and (bleep) you."

"You're fine,take a breath, man, relax."

"No, (bleep) you.

"Mother (bleep) little kids!

(bleep) all you little kids."

"You need to just take a breath.


"I'll-- just get some water.

"Take a breath.

"I'll finish it.


"I got it.



"Ooh, one of the girlsgets a steal.

"She's on a breakaway,this could be it.

"Three, two, the shot goes up,

one.(imitates buzzer sound)

"And it's good!

In the wrong basket."

Got a lot of free timeon my hands.

So, recently, I startedcyber-bullying my dad.

My dad is 63,he got a Facebook account.

So I got a hold ofhis high school yearbook,

found his friends who didn'thave Facebook accounts,

uploaded their pictures,

created accounts,

added my dad,

started talking shit.

We got my dad to drive two hoursfrom his home

to Fargo, North Dakota,

to meet a high school classmatenamed Mel for lunch,

that we were pretending to be.

I know what you're thinking.

"Cy, that's called catfishing."

Don't worry, I will getto the bully part.

My dad got in his truck.

He drove two hoursto Fargo, North Dakota.

We followed behind him,

giggling the entire way.

He went into the restaurant,

waited two hours for Mel.

Mel didn't show,'cause we're Mel.

He got back in his truck,

he drove two more hoursback home.

We are now at six hilarioustotal hours.

Watched him walk in the house,

open up his laptop,

to open up a message from Meland it said,

"Walked in, saw your face.

"You're still a bitch.

Took off."

Internet's a young man's game,Bruce.

Don't feel bad for my dad.

He deserves everything he gets.

He's been bothering me.

He retired recently,

and I-- he was bothering me,

I told him he needs to get someretirement hobbies.

He called me, he goes,"I think I got a couple, bud."

I go, "Yeah, Dad?What are you up to?" He goes,

"Well, uh,

"I've started making my own wine

and building my own knives."


"All right, well those aren'tretirement hobbies, Dad.

"Those are thingsguys do in prison.

"Everything all right at home,between you and Mom?

"Is there some sortof turf war scenario

"that I need to know about?

"That you're makingtoilet wines and shivs?

Knock it off, Shawshank."

He goes, "Just so we're clear,

wine is a high-class beverage."

Wine is a high-class beverage.

Talked to my mom.

My dad is currently fermentinghis first ever batch of wine,

in our garage,

in a five gallon bucket.

I'll say it again--

in a five gallon bucket.

The only way my dad's winecould be lower class, is if

he was stirring it witha Mountain Dew Code Red can,

inside of Kid Rock's mouth.

He goes,"Yeah, I guess we'll see,

"when I'm taking homefirst prize

at the wine tastingcompetition."

"Is that your real plan, Bruce?

"Is that your real idea?

"I'm gonna set aside the factthat I don't think

"that you even knowif wine tasting competitions

"are a real thing.

"And I want to focus on the fact

"that if they were,and you got in,

"there is no way in hell

your wine is taking homethat prize."

(imitating announcer): "Allright, ladies and gentlemen,

"and now the moment we've allbeen waiting for:

"the winner

"of today's wine tastingcompetition is

"a Minnesota select,

"from Bruce'sFunky Bucket Wines.

"Now this particular red

"was aged for nearlyhalf a decade

"on a garage shelf,

"next to some toxic paintsand ant poisons.

"The grapes were foot stompedby the proprietor,

"Bruce Amundson, himself.

"And then, of course,by his dog, Jackie,

"when he wasn'tpaying attention.

"If you dig in,you get a bit of an earthy hint.

"That earthiness is fromthe actual dirt

"that was in the bucket

"at the start of the process.

"'Cause as Bruce's wifeand reluctant co-owner,

"Joanne, puts it,

"He's never cleaned out anything

"in his whole life.

Why would he start withthis (bleep) bucket?'"

I like to lie.

I love it.

Everything I've said is true,

but I do like to lie.

And, um, just so we're clear,

I'm not saying, like,life altering lies, like

"Jim's your real dad."

I mean, like,if you have a chance to lie

and be funny,

every single time.

Like, I was in Michigan,

and I stopped at a Subway,

and I walked inand the Subway station--

the radio station--was playing country music.

And there was justone young kid, one young guy,

working behind the counter.

And I happen to kind of likecountry music.

So, I decided to use thatas small talk.

I was like, "Oh, man.(clicks tongue)

I love country music."

And the kid freaks out.

He goes, "What?!

"I love country music!

"Everybody who works herehates it.

"I only get to play itwhen I work alone.

Cool, huh?"

I was like, "Yeah, all right.

"Actually, my brotheris a country musician

in Nashville."

Which is a hundred percent true.

That's what my brother,Greg, does.

And he freaks out again.

He goes, "What?!


"That's like my dream come true.

That's amazing!"

And I was like,"Yeah, all right."

And then the song changed.

And a song came on by countrymusic superstar, Eric Church.

And I was like,

"I'm not sure if youare familiar,

"but actually,

this is my brother."And he goes,


Your brother is Eric Church?!"

And I was like, "Yes.

I am Brad Church."

He took a picture with me.

That is funny two times,

because it was super funnythat day,

and it is gonna be funny again,

because this...

is on television.

And so, that means right now,

somewhere in a living roomin Michigan,

a roommate is getting to have

the most fun in the world,like...

"Hey, Michael!

"You remember when youmet Brad Church?

You're a (bleep) idiot."

Thank you guys so much.

Captioning sponsored by TRIAGE ENTERTAINMENT GROUP

Captioned by Media Access Group at

♪ ♪