Adam Devine's House Party
Season 1

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Ex-Girlfriend

  • Season 1, Ep 1
  • 10/24/2013
  • Views: 0

Adam loses his mind when a friend brings his ex-girlfriend to the house party. Featuring comedians Ahmed Bharoocha, Andrew Santino and Barry Rothbart. (20:38)

[scream fadesinto a groan]

OW.

[groans]

OW! THANK YOU.THANK YOU, ALEXEI.

THIS LOOKS FINE, RIGHT?

- YEAH, IT'S FINE.WE'RE READY TO GO.

- YEAH, PEOPLE BLEED AT PARTIES.- YEAH, TOTALLY.

- I GET THAT.- YOU READY?

- YEAH.- OKAY, HERE WE GO.

READY, AND...ACTION.

[funky hip-hop music]

- YO, WHAT'S UP?IT'S ADAM DEVINE.

WELCOME TO MY HOUSE PARTY.

COMEDY CENTRAL GAVE MEA BUNCH OF MONEY

TO THROWAN AWESOME COMEDY SHOW,

AND--AND I BLEW IT ALLON THIS HOUSE PARTY--

CUT. KYLE.

I DON'T FEEL LIKEWE'RE CAPTURING

THE ESSENCE OF THE SHOWRIGHT NOW.

- YOU DON'T CALL CUT.YOU'RE NOT THE DIRECTOR, MAN.

- OKAY, NO, I'M SORRY,

AND I RESPECT YOUAS A DIRECTOR,

BUT QUITE FRANKLY,I THINK YOU'RE LOSING CONTROL

A LITTLE BIT,

AND I HAVE A BETTER IDEATHAN WHAT--

WHAT YOU'RE GIVING MERIGHT NOW.

SO LET'S CUT AND START AGAIN,STARTING NOW.

CUT AND ACTION.GO.

- ALL RIGHT,LET'S ROLL SOUND.

- AND ALSO ROLL SOUND.

[funky hip-hop music]

- YO, WHAT'S UP?IT'S ADAM DEVINE.

AND THIS IS MY HOUSE PARTY.

COMEDY CENTRAL GAVE MEA BUNCH OF MONEY

TO THROWA STAND-UP COMEDY SHOW,

BUT I BLEW IT ALLON THIS GIANT HOUSE

TO THROW A PARTY IN.

LET'S JUST SAYWE HAVE A LITTLE SOMETHING

FOR EVERYBODY.

ZOINKS!

WHAT THE [bleep]?

- HEY, WHAT'S UP, ADAM?

DUDE, WHAT HAPPENEDTO YOUR HEAD?

- DOESN'T MATTER, DUDE.WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

BRINGING MY EX-GIRLFRIENDTO THE PARTY

THAT I'M INVITING YOU TO,

WHERE I'M GONNA PUT YOU UPAS A BIG-TIME STAND-UP COMEDIAN?

- OH, I DIDN'T KNOWYOU GUYS HAD DATED.

- WE WENT ON ONE DATE.- WE WENT OUT ON ONE DATE.

SEE HOW WE ALMOST FINISHEDEACH OTHER'S SENTENCE THERE?

- MM-HMM.

- WE SHOULD'VE GROWN OLDTOGETHER AND DIED,

BUT SOMEONE THOUGHT SOMEONEWAS STRANGE, YOU KNOW.

- OKAY, WELL, DUDE,YOU'RE DOING AWESOME.

- MM, IT MAY LOOK LIKE THAT,BUT THIS IS ALL A FACADE,

BECAUSE I'M BROKEN INSIDEBECAUSE I STILL LOVE SOMEONE.

- OKAY, HE DOES THIS.LET'S GET ANOTHER DRINK.

- LATER, SANTINO.GOOD TO SEE YOU, BRO.

ALL RIGHT.HEY, BRO, I'M NOT EVEN MAD.

I'M NOT EVEN MAD!

- [chuckles]

CAN WE GET A "BOO" FOR THAT?BOO, BOO.

[crowd boos]

YOU'RE GAY!GOTCHA!

THAT'S HOW HITLER DID IT.YOU BETTER WATCH OUT.

STAYING ON GUARD.

IT'S CRAZY TO OUTLAW MARRIAGE.MARRIAGE IS A HAPPY THING.

YOU SHOULDN'T BE ABLE TO VOTEON SOMEONE ELSE'S HAPPINESS.

THESE PEOPLE DON'T KNOWTHESE GAY PEOPLE.

THEY'RE NOT GONNA KNOW THEM,NOT GONNA BE THEIR FRIENDS.

THEY HAVE CONTROLOVER THEIR LIVES.

THAT'S NOT FAIR.

THAT'S LIKE IF YOU WENTTO A RESTAURANT,

AND YOU'RE LIKE,"UH, WAITER,

I'LL HAVE THE CAKE,"

AND THEN THE GUY AT THE TABLENEXT TO YOU IS LIKE,

"UH, WAITER,CANCEL THAT CAKE."

"I WAS GONNA HAVE THE CAKE."

"OH, I DON'T LIKE CAKE.NO."

"YEAH, BUT I WAS GONNA HAVETHE CAKE OVER HERE

BY MYSELF."

"I DON'T WANT ANYONETO HAVE CAKE."

"WHY?WHAT'S WRONG WITH CAKE?"

"GOD HATES CAKE."

"YOU JUST MADE THAT UP."

"MY KIDS ARE HERE.IF THEY SEE YOU EATING CAKE,

"THEN THEY'RE GONNA WANTTO HAVE CAKE TOO.

"YOU CAN GO HOMEAND EAT CAKE IN PRIVATE,

"BUT WE'D PREFERIF YOU DIDN'T CALL IT CAKE.

MAYBE A CIVIL MUFFIN."

I HAVE TITLED THAT JOKE

"HAVE YOUR GAY,AND EAT IT TOO."

[cheers and applause]

HAD KIDS TOO EARLY.

YOU KNOW, LIKE,IF YOU LOOK AT EARTH,

HE WAS CLEARLY, LIKE,A BABY GOD

WHEN HE MADE EARTH.

FOR THE FIRSTFEW MILLION YEARS,

HE WAS JUST OBSESSEDWITH DINOSAURS.

HE WAS LIKE,"OH, THIS IS A T-REX.

"THIS ONE HAS A LONG NECK.IT EATS LEAVES.

HMM."

THEN HE HIT PUBERTYAND WAS LIKE,

"SCREW DINOSAURS.

"I HATE DINOSAURS.I'VE NEVER LIKED DINOSAURS.

"ICE AGE.

I'LL BE IN MY ROOMLISTENING TO MUSIC."

BUT THEN HE HADADAM AND EVE.

HE WAS CLEARLY, LIKE,A TEENAGE GOD, RIGHT?

DIDN'T TAKE ONANY RESPONSIBILITY.

HE WAS JUST LIKE,"UH, LISTEN, GUYS.

"JUST STAY RIGHT HERE,

AND DON'T TOUCH MY STUFF."

AND THEN HE JUST LEFT.

AND HE'S LIKE, "WHEW."

AND HE COMES BACK,AND THEY TOUCHED HIS STUFF,

AND HE'S LIKE,"NO! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

GET THE HELL OUT.GET OUT."

HE KICKS 'EM OUTAFTER ONE STRIKE.

"GO LIVE WITH YOUR MOTHER,"RIGHT?

THEN, AT ONE POINT,

HE JUST DROWNS EVERYBODY.

THAT'S THE NUMBER ONEWORST THING YOU CAN DO

AS A PARENT.

THAT'S, LIKE, HOW YOU GETIN THE NEWS

FOR BEING A BAD PARENT.

THEN HE TRIESTO MAKE UP FOR IT

BY GIVING US A RAINBOW.

JUST LIKE, "HEY, SORRYFOR MURDERING EVERYONE.

HERE'S SOME COLORSYOU CAN'T TOUCH."

AND THEN HE NEVER TALKEDTO US AGAIN.

HE WALKED OUT,NEVER HAS BEEN BACK,

HASN'T EVEN SENTA POSTCARD--

AT MOST, A POTATO CHIPWITH HIS PICTURE ON IT.

OH, THANKS, DAD.I'LL NEVER EAT IT.

I'M SO HUNGRY.

I HAD A BUNCH OF CROWS OUTSIDEIN ONE TREE,

CALLING NONSTOPFOR ABOUT TWO DAYS STRAIGHT.

JUST LIKE,"CAW, CA-CA-CA-CA-CAW,

"CA-CA-CA-CAW,CA-CA-CA-CA-CAW,

CAW, CA-CA-CA-CAW,CA-CAW."

FINALLY, WE CALLEDANIMAL CONTROL,

AND WERE LIKE, "HEY.

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONGWITH THESE BIRDS?"

THEY WERE LIKE,"IT'S BABY CROW SEASON.

"THEY'RE CAWING AT THE BABYCROWS UNTIL THEY FLY,

AND THAT CAN LASTUP TO FIVE DAYS."

I WAS LIKE, WHAT?

THAT'S THE CROWFLIGHT TRAINING PROGRAM?

JUST, "FLY! FLY, FLY, FLY, FLY!F-FLY, FLY, FLY!

"F-FLY, FLY, F-FLY, FLY,FLY, FLY, F-FLY, F-FLY!

"FLY, FLY, FLY, F-FLY, FLY,FLY, FLY, FLY!

"F-FLY, FLY!FLY, FLY, FLY, FLY, FLY!

"F-FLY, FLY, F-FLY, FLY!F-FLY!

"FLY, FLY, FLY,FLY, FLY, FLY!

F-FLY, FLY, FLY,FLY, FLY!"

[laughter and applause]

AND IT WORKS.

I'VE BEEN TRAVELING A LOT.

I'M FROM CHICAGO, ILLINOIS,ORIGINALLY.

[scattered cheers]YES.

PEOPLE THAT ALSO KNOWWHERE THAT IS,

THAT'S GOOD.

WHEN I FIRST MOVEDTO CALIFORNIA,

MY PARENTS WERE NOT SO EXCITEDABOUT IT.

MORE SPECIFICALLY,MY OLD MAN.

HE DOESN'T LIKE CALIFORNIA.

HE'S NEVER--HE'S NEVER LEFT CHICAGO.

HE'S A BLUE-COLLAR GUY,

UH, CONSTRUCTION,SOUTH SIDE OF CHICAGO,

SO WHEN I TOLD HIMI WAS COMING OUT,

HE WAS SUPER BUMMED.

I WAS LIKE,"I'M GONNA GO TO CALIFORNIA

AND ACT AND DO COMEDY,"

AND HE GOES, "AW, NO.

"THAT'S A TERRIBLE IDEA,ANDREW,

GOING OUT THERETO CALIFORNIA TOWN."

I WAS LIKE, "FIRST OF ALL,IT'S NOT A TOW--

IT'S NOT A TOWN."

"YEAH, BUT YOU KNOWWHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN OUT THERE

"IN CALIFORNIA.

"IT'S NOTHING BUT [bleep]OUT THERE.

"THAT'S ALL THERE ISIS KOOKY PEOPLE.

"WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

"YOU GONNA ROLLERBLADEAND GIVE BLOW JOBS FOR CASH?

IS THAT WHATYOU'RE GONNA DO?"

I GO,"YOU'RE BEING RIDICULOUS.

"NOT EVERYONEIN CALIFORNIA IS GAY.

YOU ARE STUPID."

I WAS LIVING FOR A MONTHWHEN I WAS HERE,

ONE MONTH, AND THIS GUY I KNEWFROM HIGH SCHOOL

MOVED OUT HERE,AND HE GOES, "YO.

LET ME SHOW YOU CALITHE RIGHT WAY, BRO."

AND I WAS LIKE,"YOU JUST SAID 'CALI,' MAN.

"GO AWAY.GO AWAY FROM ME.

"WHAT ARE YOU, A DJ AT NIGHT?GET OUT OF MY FACE.

YOU MAKE ME SICK."

HE GOES, "I WANNA SHOW YOU CALIFROM THE SKY, BRO.

"I OWN A SKYDIVING BIZ,

AND I WANT YOUTO COME WITH ME SKYDIVING."

SO I SAID, "SKYDIVING?I DON'T KNOW, MAN."

HE GOES, "IT'S FREE, BRO.FREE. FREE."

SO I SAID WHAT ANY RED-BLOODEDAMERICAN MALE WOULD SAY.

FREE? YOU KNOW.

audience: YES!

- NO, NO. NOPE.

NAH, SOME WHITE PEOPLE SHIT.

I'M NOT JUMPINGOUT OF AN AIRPLANE.

HE GOES, "RELAX, DUDE.

THE FIRST TIME YOU GO,IT'S TANDEM."

TANDEM? OH, THAT--OH.

OKAY, YEAH, FOR SURE.

YOU GUYS KNOWWHAT TANDEM MEANS, RIGHT?

TANDEM, RIGHT, YEAH,THAT'LL MAKE YOU FEEL SAFE.

IT MEANSANOTHER ADULT MALE,

A FULL-GROWN ADULT

WHO EATS MEALSAND PAYS BILLS,

IS GONNA BE LOCKEDINTO MY WAIST,

PERMANENTLY LOCKEDINTO MY WAIST.

YOU HAVE LEAPOUT OF AN AIRPLANE

WITH ANOTHER ADULT MALE

AS HIS GENITALS RUBON THE LOW OF MY BACK.

JUST REMINDING ME,"HEY, MAN, WE'RE [bleep]ED!"

YEP, I KNOW, DUDE,

'CAUSE MY CHUTE'SGONNA FAIL.

THE SAFETY WILL FAIL.

THAT'S WHAT WILL HAPPENTO ME.

THE IRISH LUCKWILL RUN RIGHT OUT, OKAY?

I WILL SLAM INTO THE EARTH.

I WILL BEIN THE EARTH, DEAD.

DEAD.

THEN MY FATHER--REMEMBER THAT GUY?

WILL HAVE TO FLY 2,000 MILESACROSS THE COUNTRY

TO MY FUNERAL,

JUST TO BE RIGHTABOUT CALIFORNIA.

"YOU SEE THAT?90 FEET IN THE GROUND

"WITH SOME GUY'S [bleep]IN HIS ASS.

"WHAT DID I SAY?

GOES OUT THERE, BECOMES ONEOF THOSE FLYING [bleep]."

THAT WOULD BE MY FATHERON THE EVENING NEWS.

"WHAT HAPPENED?""I'LL TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED.

"HE MOVED TO CALIFORNIA,

"THE [bleep]SNATCHED HIM UP,

"AND THEY SEXED HIMIN THE SKY.

"THEY MADE HIM HAVE SEXIN THE SKY.

"THAT'S WHAT THEY DO NOW.

IN LOS ANGELES.

COULDN'T BE ANY GAYER.

THE GAYEST PLACEIN THE WORLD.

AT, LIKE, RAINBOW AVENUEAND BUTTHOLE ROAD

IS MY INTERSECTION.

AND I LOVE IT.AND I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT.

I ABSOLUTELY LOVELIVING THERE, OKAY?

MY NEIGHBOR WHO LIVES BELOW MEIS A BEAR.

YOU GUYS KNOWWHAT A BEAR IS?

[scattered cheers]YEAH, IN THE GAY COMMUNITY,

IT'S A SHORT, STOCKY,HAIRY GUY.

HE LOOKS LIKE A BEAR, OKAY?

BUT THIS BEAR EATS PENIS.

I WOULD LOVE IF THERE WASA REAL GAY BEAR,

BY THE WAY,IN THE WOODS.

I WOULD LOVE TO SEE THAT,JUST A BEAR LIKE,

"OH, THIS HONEY'S GONNA GOTO MY THIGHS.

NO MORE PIC-A-NIC BASKETS."

BUT THIS BEAR TELLS ME,HE GOES, "DUDE,

YOU WOULD CRUSHIN THE GAY COMMUNITY."

A-THANK YOU, A-THANK YOU.

HE GOES, "BUT TRUST,YOU WOULD BE A BOTTOM.

FOR SURE,YOU'D BE A BOTTOM."

OKAY, SOME PEOPLE TOOK THATTHE WRONG WAY, THOUGH.

I GO, "THAT'S FINE,BUT BETTER BELIEVE,

I'LL BE A POWER BOTTOM, 100%."

A POWER BOTTOM.THAT'S WHAT I'M GONNA DO.

I'D BE LIKE--YOU, SIR,IF YOU WERE POUNDING ME,

LIKE, IF YOU AND IWERE GOING AT IT--

WE HAVE SIMILAR SHIRTS ON.

IF YOU AND IWERE SMASHING,

LIKE, IF YOUWERE SMASHING THIS,

I'D LET YOU HAVE SOME.YOU WANNA PLAY?

LET'S GO.SIGN UP. SIGN UP.

THE SIGNUP SHEET'S OPEN.

BUT RIGHTAS YOU GOT STARTED,

I'D JUST SMASH YOURIGHT BACK, MAN.

SMASH YOU,BRUISING UP YOUR HIP.

BRUISING UP YOUR HIP,LETTING YOU KNOW WHO'S THERE.

LETTING YOU KNOWWHO'S THERE.

THEN, WHEN YOU LEASTEXPECT IT,

WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT,

I'D JUST SNATCH YOURIGHT UP, DUDE.

HUH?

WHOSE GAME ARE YOU PLAYING?WHO'S GOT THE JOYSTICK, RIGHT?

UP, UP, DOWN, DOWN,

LEFT, LEFT, RIGHT, RIGHT,SELECT, START, "A," "B."

I KNOW WHAT IT IS.I GOT THE CODE, BRO.

I GOT IT.I GOT IT.

THEN I LET YOU GO--PUMP FAKE!

KOBE, SHOOT TWO,RIGHT BACK IN, BRO.

YOU'RE RIGHT BACK IN.YOU'RE GOING NOWHERE.

YOU'RE GOING NOWHEREWITH ME.

LOOK ME IN THE EYES.LOOK ME RIGHT IN THE FACE.

THEN I'M GONNA LET YOU GO.

I'LL LET YOU GO, RELAX,

BUT I'LL SNATCH YOUWAY OUT HERE.

OH, NO, WHAT ARE YOU DOINGSO FAR AWAY

FROM THE SHORE, CAPTAIN?

[laughs,imitates fog horn]

AHOY, OKAY?

GONNA SWOOP YOU RIGHT IN,GIVE YOU BANANA DICK.

BANANA DICK, RIGHT THERE,FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

YEP.

[cheers and applause]

[all cheering]

- KIND OF WORRIEDABOUT YOUR HEAD.

- I'M NOT EVEN WORRIEDABOUT MY HEAD, DUDE.

I'M WORRIED ABOUT SANTINO

GETTING OUT OF HERE ALIVE,

'CAUSE HE THINKSHE CAN ROLL UP HERE

WITH MY EX-GIRLFRIEND,LIKE THAT'S EVEN SOMETHING

THAT IS POSSIBLE.

- HEY, HEY, DUDE.

I THINK YOU'RE OVERREACTING.- I'M NOT.

BECAUSE I'M GONNA KICK HIMOFF THE SHOW.

THAT'S HOW, UH, MUCHI'M GONNA REACT.

- NO.

YOU GOTTA REMEMBER,

YOU ARETHE BIGGER MAN HERE.

THIS IS YOUR SHOW.

EVERYONE'S HERE FOR YOU.

- [chuckles]THANK YOU.

- YEAH, AND WHILEWE'RE SHARING,

I POOPEDON YOUR FLOOR EARLIER.

- THAT WAS YOU?- YEAH.

- OH, THANK GOD.- LOOK.

YOU HAVE TO BE PROFESSIONAL.

- I'M GONNA BE PROFESSIONAL.- YEAH.

- I'M GONNA BE SO [bleep]INGPROFESSIONAL, DUDE.

- YEAH.[chuckles]

- THANK YOU, MY FRIEND.

LOT OF PEOPLE ASK MEHOW I'M SO GOOD AT SEX.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT I SAY?

I SAY THE SAME THINGTO EVERY--

TO EVERYONE WHO ASKS.

I SAY,"I READ COSMO MAGAZINE."

[women cheer]YEAH.

I READ AN ARTICLE--THIS IS A REAL ARTICLE I READ--

IT WAS"TIPS ON DIRTY TALKING."

NUMBER ONE TIP: WHISPER.

NUMBER TWO TIP:BE SPECIFIC.

WHICH IS GREAT ADVICE,

'CAUSE I'VE JUST BEEN YELLINGGENERALITIES IN BED.

SO I'D BE LIKE,"WE'RE HAVING SEX RIGHT NOW!

"WE'RE HAVING SEX!

"YOU'RE GOINGAT A PARTICULAR SPEED!

"YOUR GENITALSARE A CERTAIN TEMPERATURE!

I WATCH PEOPLE.I LOVE WATCHING PEOPLE.

I WAS AT A RESTAURANT,AND THIS WOMAN--

I LIKE IT WHEN PEOPLE SPEAKWITH THEIR HANDS TOO MUCH,

AND THIS WOMAN WAS NEXT TO MEAT A RESTAURANT,

AND SHE'S ORDERINGFROM THE WAITER, AND SHE GOES,

"I'LL HAVETHE TILAPIA PLATE...

WITH EXTRA FISH SAUCE."

SHE DOES THIS WITH HER HANDS."EXTRA FISH SAUCE?"

AND THE WAITER'S LIKE,"WHAT?"

SHE'S LIKE, "FISH SAUCE!

FISH SAUCE!"

WHICH TAUGHT ME TWO THINGS.

NUMBER ONE,I HATE THAT WOMAN.

AND NUMBER TWO,HOW MUCH FUN IT IS

TO ORDER THINGSAND NOT HAVE

YOUR HAND MOTIONS MATCHWHAT YOU'RE ORDERING.

IT'S LIKE, "YEAH, I'LL HAVETHE, UH, TURKEY CLUB,

"UH, WITH SOME LETTUCE

"AND SOME MAYO.

"SOME MAYONNAISE.

"SOME MAYO?

"SOME MAYO!

"MAYONNAISE!

ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT?SCREW YOU."

SOMETIMES I GET HIGH,AND I LOOK UP WEIRD FACTS.

HERE'S SOMETHING I LEARNEDTHAT YOU GUYS SHOULD KNOW.

I FOUND OUT THAT DOLPHINSHAVE SEX FOR PLEASURE.

I WAS LIKE,THAT'S AMAZING.

I GOTTA FIND OUT MORE.

THEN I FOUND OUT THAT,APPARENTLY,

DOLPHINS RAPE EACH OTHER.

YES!

IT'S A BIG PROBLEMIN THE DOLPHIN COMMUNITY.

THEN I FOUND OUT MORE.

I FOUND OUTTHE MOST AMAZING FACT,

THAT, APPARENTLY,EVERY YEAR IN THIS COUNTRY,

14 HUMANS REPORT BEING RAPEDBY A DOLPHIN.

WHAT?

14 HUMANS REPORT BEING RAPEDBY A DOLPHIN.

THAT'S AMAZING.

NOT BECAUSE DOLPHINSARE RAPING PEOPLE--

BECAUSE THAT MEANS 14 PEOPLETHOUGHT THE COPS

COULD DO SOMETHINGABOUT THAT.

14 PEOPLE, LIKE,WALKING INTO A PRECINCT,

LIKE, "UGH."

[exhales]

JUST WET,COVERED IN SEAWEED.

JUST LIKE, "UGH."

YOU HAVE DAYS,AND THEN YOU HAVE DAYS,

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

"WELL, I WAS RAPEDBY A DOLPHIN."

AND THE COPS ARE LIKE,"OH, RAPED BY A DOLPHIN.

"LET ME SHOW YOUMY DOLPHIN MUG SHOTS.

"WHICH ONE?

"OH, TWO-FIN TONY?YEAH.

"HE KINDA DOES THAT.

I SHOULDN'T BE LAUGHING.YOU LOOK FRIGHTENED."

ALL RIGHT, GUYS,THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

- ALL RIGHT, WELL,WE'RE ON THE SWING SET.

ARE YOU HAPPY?

- I'M HAPPY...

FOR THE FIRST TIMEIN MY ENTIRE LIFE RIGHT NOW.

I PERSONALLY DON'T SEEWHAT YOU SEE

IN THAT PILE OF LEAVESAND STICKS

THAT IS A HUMAN BEINGCALLED ANDREW SANTINO.

IT'S HIS DICK, ISN'T IT?

IS HIS DICKBIGGER THAN MINE?

IS THAT WHAT THISIS ALL ABOUT?

IT'S ALL ABOUT DICKSWITH YOU LADIES.

- I'VE NEVER SEEN YOUR DICK.

AND HIS DICK IS, UH--

I'M--I'M NOT GONNA TALKABOUT DICKS--

- HE'S GOT A HUGE DICK,DOESN'T HE?

- I'M NOT GONNA TALKABOUT DICKS RIGHT NOW, OKAY?

- HE'S GOT A MONSTER.IS IT LIKE--

- ADAM, WE NEVER--WE NEVER DATED.

SO PLEASE STOP TRYINGTO RUIN

MY RELATIONSHIPS.- OH!

OH, MY GOD!

YOU'RE LYING TO ME,AND THAT TURNS ME ON MORE.

- OH, GOD, OKAY.- GETTING ME RILED.

- ALL RIGHT,YOU KISSED ME ONE TIME...

- I'LL DO THAT AGAIN.- AFTER NOT PAYING--AFTER--

- I'LL DO THAT AGAIN.

- YOU DIDN'T EVEN PAYFOR MY FRO-YO!

- I-I ONLY HADWALKING AROUND MONEY.

- OKAY, ALL RIGHT,YOU GET OBSESSED WITH THINGS.

YOU DON'T REALLY CAREABOUT ME.

- OKAY, CYNTHIA,FIRST OF ALL,

I LOVE YOUMORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE,

BESIDES MY FISH TANK.

SECOND OF ALL, I DO NOT GETOBSESSED WITH THINGS.

THIRDLY OF ALL,

WE SHOULD BE TOGETHER FOREVER,BUT THAT'S UP TO YOU.

I'M PUTTING THAT BALLIN YOUR COURT.

DRIBBLE IT. DUNK IT.DO YOU.

FOURTH OF ALL,YOGURT?

I'M [bleep]ING OBSESSEDWITH YOGURT.

THANK YOU FOR REMINDING MEABOUT YOGURT.

I, LIKE, ALMOST FORGOTALL ABOUT YOGURT.

I'VE BEEN IN, LIKE,

A REAL PEPPER JACK CHEESEPHASE LATELY,

AND I HAVEN'T REALLY GONEBACK TO FRO-YO,

BUT FRO-YO IS SO GOOD.

PEOPLE FORGET ABOUT IT.YOU KNOW WHAT?

WE'RE GETTING SOME FRO-YO.

DALE'S FRO-YO SHOP?DO YOU GUYS HAVE FRO-YO?

- MM-HMM.

MM, IT'S A HUMP PARTY.

IT'S A HUMP PARTY.GET ALL IN THIS, GIRL.

GET ALL IN THIS.SHAKE IT.

YO!AHMED, YOU KILLED IT, BRO.

- THANKS, MAN.THIS HOUSE IS, UH--

IT'S A LOT OF IT.IT'S--IT'S DUMB.

- BARRY, YOU ARE THE OCEANIN--IN--IN--

YOU'RE THE WATERWITHIN MY OCEAN.

- MEANS A LOT TO ME, BRO.- DOES IT?

- THANKS SO MUCH.YEAH, SORT OF.

- WHAT'S WITH THE VASE?

- [laughs]YEAH, SEE YA, BUDDY.

- OH, AND THERE HE IS,THE MAN OF THE HOUR.

- THANKS, MAN.- DUDE, YOU KILLED IT TONIGHT.

- THANK YOU, BROTHER.

- TOO BAD THAT YOU ARESUCH A GARBAGE,

PIECE OF SHIT PERSON.

YOU DEFINITELY ARE.- ALL RIGHT.

- AND IF YOU RESPECT MERIGHT NOW,

YOU WILL LET ME SPEAKWITH CYNTHIA IN PRIVATE,

RIGHT OVER HERE,

NEXT TO ALL THESE OTHER PEOPLEIN PRIVATE.

- I DON'T RESPECT YOU.YOU'RE A TROLL WHO EATS TRASH.

- OH, I'M A TROLL, OKAY.- YEAH.

- THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKEANY SENSE,

BECAUSE I'M NOT WEARINGA JEWEL IN MY BELLY.

WHY DON'T YOU TAKE THISAND ASK YOURSELF THIS QUESTION?

CYNTHIA, COME AND TALKTO ME REAL QUICK.

[whispering]I LOVE YOU.

AND I MISS YOU SO MUCH.

- ADAM--

- LOOK, I'M CRYING.

I'M ALMOST CRYINGRIGHT NOW.

- I HAD NO IDEAYOU FELT THAT WAY.

IF YOU ASKED ME OUT AGAINRIGHT NOW,

I'D PROBABLY SAY YES.

- I'LL DO MORE THAN THAT.

- HEY, ADAM, WANT A CONE?

- IS THAT FRO-YO?

PISTACHIO FRO-YO,PISTACHIO!

- [bleep] THIS PARTY.

ANDREW, LET'S GOTO JEFF ROSS' HOUSE.

- I CAN'T COMPETE WITH THAT.LOOK AT HIS "WIEN."

BABE, PLUS 'STACH FRO-YO.

[whimpering]OHH.

HAVE A GOOD LIFE, KID.

- WHATEVER! YOU BOTH HAVESUPER WEIRD DICKS!

- AWESOME!- NOT TRUE, NOT TRUE.

- [laughing]OH!

- MMM.- MM!

HONESTLY, DUDE, I'M SO SORRYABOUT BEFORE, DUDE.

- HONESTLY, I HATEDTHAT I DID THAT TO YOU,

BECAUSE YOU'RE ONEOF MY BEST FRIENDS,

AND, LIKE, I RESPECT YOUSO MUCH.

- YOU--- BEST FRIEND.

- YOU HAVE FRO-YOALL OVER YOUR FACE.

- ARE YOU TRYING TO SEXWITH US RIGHT NOW?

'CAUSE I THINK WE'D BE DOWN.- OH, TOTALLY, MAN.

- I THINK WE MIGHT BE DOWN.

- I'M NOT GONNA SLEEP WITH YOUBECAUSE YOU GUYS

RENTED A MACHINEFROM MY COMPANY.

I'M NOT A SLUT.

- CYNTHIA!- CYNTHIA!

- CYNTHIA!

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