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Wednesday, September 17, 2014

  • 09/17/2014
  • Views: 2,541

Beth Stelling, Nate Bargatze and Adam Cayton-Holland give thanks to America, #RuinAPresident, guess which unsettling subreddits are real and list extreme YouTube challenges. (21:15)

>> Chris: RIPPED FROM TODAY'SINTERNET HEADLINES, IT'S "RAPID

REFRESH."

A LOT OF REALLY IMPORTANT THINGSHAPPENED ON TWITTER THIS WEEK.

WHY, APPLE RELEASED THEIR NEWOPERATING SYSTEM iOS8.

RYAN GOSLING ANNOUNCED THAT HE'SOFFICIALLY A FATHER.

THEM THE UNTHINKABLE HAPPENED.

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH TOOK THISPICTURE IN A DAMP SHIRT--

GETTING THE iPHONE 5 S SO WETIT HAD TO BE PUT IN DRY RICE

OVERNIGHT -- SO SOAK IT UP.

HIS POSE WAS INSPIRED BY THEMOVIE "PRIDE AND PREJUDICE."

THE PICTURE WAS FOR A CHARITY,AND I BELIEVE THAT WAS A CHARITY

TO HELP RAISE AWARENESS FOR THEFEMALE ORGASM.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )WITH ALL OF THESE TWITTER

MELTING EVENTS COLLIDING, I WANTYOU TO FILL IN THE BLANK FOR

THIS TOPICAL TWEET:"THE SECOND SEE BLANK,

MY VAGINA WILL LITERALLY POP OUTOF MY EYES IN PIECES.

I'M JUST WARNING YOU."

WHEN I FIRST READ THIS I TRIEDTO FIGURE OUT AND WALK THORUGH

HOW THE MECHANICS WORK AND ICAN NOT PICTURE IT.

BUT I WANT TO LEARN!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> CHRIS: SO, WHAT FILLS IS THEBLANK? IS IT --

A.-- RYAN GOSLING HOLDING ABABY,

B.-- THE iPHONE 6 IN MY SWEATYHANDS,

C.-- BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH'SMOIST HAPPY TRAIL?

BETH.

>> OK I WANT IT TO BE A, BECAUSEWHEN RYAN AND I WERE DATING EACH

OTHER HE TOLD ME HE DIDN'T WANTKIDS.

>> CHRIS: OH WHAT! LET'S FINDOUT IF IT'S A.

IT'S A!

I'M REALLY SORRY THAT IT DIDN'TWORK OUT.

FOR BONUS POINTS, WHAT WOULDMAKE YOUR VAGINA LITERALLY POP

OUT OF YOUR EYES AND INTOPIECES?

BETH?

>> NOTHING I'VE FOUND BUT I'MREALLY GOOD AT FAKING IT.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> CHRIS: DID YOU FAKE IT WITHRYAN?

>> EVERY TIME.

>> CHRIS: EVERY TIME.

NATE.

>> JUST FINDING OUT I HAVE AVAGINA.

I'VE BEEN GOING WRONG FOR SOLONG.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

NOW, IT'S OFTEN SAID BYCONSTITUTIONAL SCHOLARS AND

GAS STATION T-SHIRTS THAT WELIVE IN THE GREATEST COUNTRY

IN THE WORLD.

IF AMERICANS ARE UNHAPPY WITHTHE DIRECTION OUR COUNTRY IS

HEADED, WE CAN STAGE PROTESTS OROR WRITE TO OUR

STATE LEGISLATORS.

OR WE COULD DO WHAT THEY DID INUKRAINE TO A CONTROVERSIAL

MEMBER OF PARLIAMENT THIS WEEK:

SO , THAT SEEMS TO BE A TRASHBIN OF SOME TYPE.

THAT IS A VERY BAD OSCAR THEGROUCH IMPERSONATOR.

THAT IS NOT UKRAINE'S DOUBLEDARE, BY WAY IN CASE YOU WERE

WONDERING.

THAT'S VITALY ZHURAVSKY, WHOBACKED A BILL THAT TRIED TO

SILENCE GOVERNMENT PROTESTS.

SO PROTESTERS WERE LIKE,"( BLEEP ) YOU. WE'RE GONNA

PROTEST YOUR BODY."

THEN YESTERDAY, NOT TO BEOUTDONE, DURING A CITY COUNCIL

MEETING IN CHANGWON, SOUTHKOREA, A COUNCILMAN VOICING

DISAPPROVAL OF THE MAYOR'SDECISION NOT TO PUT A BASEBALL

STADIUM IN HIS DISTRICT REACTEDIN THIS FASHION: WHOOPS!

OH!

OH.

WELL OF COURSE HE WANTS ABASEBALL STADIUM, LOOK AT THAT

PITCHING ARM!

THAT'S LIKE--

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

THEY CAN TOTALLY REBOOT SOUTHKOREA'S VERSION OF "THE ROOKIE."

REMEMBER THAT MOVIE.

I'VE NEVER BEEN PROUDER TO BE ANAMERICAN.

SO COMEDIANS, SINCE TODAY,IS APPARENTLY CONSTITUTION DAY

IN AMERICA SAY SOMETHING YOU ARETHANKFUL ABOUT BY BEING AN

AMERICAN.

FOR INSTANCE, I AM THANKFUL THATOUR TAX DOLLARS DON'T GO TO

BUYING BEDAZZLED GARANAMALS FORTHE CELEBRATED HEMOPHILIAC

TODDLER THAT LIVES IN A NATIONALCASTLE.

NATE.

>> I'M THANKFUL FOR THEWONDERFUL EDUCATION SYSTEM

THAT IS TAUGHT IN ALL 53 OF OURSTATES.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

ADAM.

>> I'M THANKFUL FOR HOT STEPMOMPORN.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

IT'S NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'S#HASHTAGWARS.

YOU GUESSED IT UPON THAT FEELINGIN THE AIR.

IT'S "CONSTITUTION DAY,"CELEBRATING THE SIGNING OF

THE CONSTITUTION BY A BUNCH OFSWEATY MEN WHO HAD SYPHILIS

AND WORE WIGS.

SO LET'S HONOR OUR COUNTRY'SRICH HISTORY WITH TONIGHT'S

HASHTAG, #RUINAPRESIDENT.EXAMPLES MIGHT --

WHAT?

( LAUGHTER )

TOMIS JEFFERSON WOULD WANT US TORUIN OUR PRESIDENTS IN A HASHTAG

GAME!( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

EXAMPLES WOULD BE BAREBACKOBAMA.

OR, WILLIAM HOWARD SHAFT.

OR, WARREN G. HARD-ON.

AND NATE DOG.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND GO.

YES, BETH.

>> ABRAHAM LINKEDIN.

>> CHRIS: OH GOD YES. PLEASESTOP SENDING ME REQUESTS FOR

LINKED IN.

ADAM.

>> WILI. AM McKINLEY.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS. NATE.

>> CHESTER B. ARTHUR.

>> CHRIS: CHESTER B. ARTHUR.YES, WONDERFUL, POINTS.

I THINK THAT WOULD MAKE HIMBETTER, BUT I'LL ALLOW IT. BETH.

>> WOODROW WILSON PHILLIPS.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

NATE.

>> MARTIN WINDOWLESS VAN BUREN.

>> CHRIS: YES POINTS, BETH.

>> JOHN F'ING KENNEDY.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS. NATE.

>> ELEANOR ROOSEVELT.

>> CHRIS: YEAH. POINTS.WELL-PLAYED. NATE.

>> GERALD FORD FOCUS.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

ADAM.

>> WILLIAM HOWARD TAFT MAC ANDCHEESE.

>> CHRIS: OK POINTS!

IT'S TIME TO PLAY "BLANK HAD MELIKE."

THE "HAD ME LIKE" MEME IS THEEASIEST WAY TO EXPRESS YOURSELF

ON TWITTER: JUST DROP INWHATEVER TOPIC YOU'RE TALKING

ABOUT, THEN ADD IN THEAPPROPRIATE REACTION PHOTO AND

YOU GET THIS.

ALL RIGHT.

BEYONCE'S PERFORMANCE LAST NIGHTHAD ME LIKE.

OR -- WHEN I SEE THAT PICTURE, ITHINK JOINGING A CULT HAD

HAD ME LIKE.

COMEDIANS, WE'RE GONNA GIVE YOUA PHOTO FROM A "HAD ME LIKE"

TWEET AND FOR 250 POINTS, YOUHAVE TO FILL IN THE BLANK TO

WHAT HAD YOU LIKE THAT. ALLRIGHT.

FIRST ONE. FIRST ONE.

THIS ONE.

YES, BETH.

>> HUFFING TURNIN TINE HAD MELIKE.

>> CHRIS: YEAH, POINTS. ADAM.

>> HANGING OUT ON ODD FUTURESTOUR BUS HAD ME LIKE.

>> CHRIS: NEXT ONE, PATRICK FROM"SPONGEBOB."

NATE.

>> BEING RAISED UNDER POWERLINES HAD ME LIKE.

>> CHRIS: YEAH, PERFECT.

POINTS.

NEXT ONE, THIS BESPECKLED GENT.

IS HIS VAGINA GOING TO POP OUTOF THOSE?

NATE.

>> THIS SHRINKING COFFEE CUP HADME LIKE.

>> CHRIS: YEAH, POINTS, PERFECT.

NEXT, HOW ABOUT THIS EXCITEDFELLA?

NATE.

>> MAKING THE KIDS SMELL MYARMPIT HAD ME LIKE.

>> CHRIS: YEAH, OF COURSE.POINTS.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

I THINK THIS KID IS JUST ANANDROID WHO DOESN'T KNOW--

HE'S HAD HIS ARMS UP LIKE FORHOURS, WAITING.

LAST ONE, THIS CONSTIPATEDDRAKE.

NATE.

>> BEING CANADIAN HAD ME LIKE.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. ADAM.

>> WATCHING RERUNS OF DEGRASSIHAD ME LIKE.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. BETH.

>> A TOOTHY BLOWJOB HAD ME LIKE.

IT'S TIME FOR OUR NEXT GAME,"SUBREDDIT AND FORGEDDIT."

"SUBREDDIT AND FORGEDDIT."

IT'S NO SURPRISE THAT WE HERE AT"@MIDNIGHT" ARE BIG FANS OF THE

SITE REDDIT.

WE GET A LOT OF STUFF FROMTHERE.

AFTER ALL, IT IS THE FRONT PAGEOF THE INTERNET.

BUT IT'S SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT.

WE THOUGHT WE WOULD EXPLORE SOMEOF THE SITE'S DEEPER RECESSES,

AND WE HAVE JUST THE MAN TO HELPUS.

PLEASE WELCOME ONE OF THEFOUNDERS OF REDDIT, ALEXIS

OHANIAN!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

NICE TO SEE YOU.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

I'M TRYING TO BE TALLER.

AW, I'M LIKE YOUR LITTLESUBREDDIT DOWN HERE.

>> ALL OF THEM ARE EQUAL.

REDDIT IS YOUR ONE-STOP SHOPFOR EVERYTHING THE INTERNET HAS

TO OFFER AND SOME THINGS YOUPROBABLY WISH IT DIDN'T.

WE HAVE SUBREDDITS RANGING FROMR/CATS --

>> CHRIS: WHAT! I CAN'T BELEIVEIT.

>> RIGHT? WHICH FEATURES -- YOUGUESSED IT -- CATS.

ALL THE WAY TOR/SHOWERTHOUGHTS.

WHICH IS ALL THE WEIRD IDEASTHAT SWIRL AROUND YOUR HEAD

WHILE YOU'RE SHOWERING.

>> Chris: COMEDIANS, ALEXIS ANDI ARE GOING TO GIVE YOU 2

TITLES AND DESCRIPTIONS OFSUBREDDITS AND YOUR JOB IS

TO TELL ME WHICH IS THE REALONE.

OK, FIRST UP -- R/ONETRUEGOD.

A PLACE OF DEVOTION TO THE ONETRUE GOD, NICOLAS CAGE.

OR:>> R/CAGEDANIMALS.

A PLACE FOR PICTURES OF NICOLASCAGE'S FACE PHOTOSHOPPED ONTO

MAJESTIC ANIMALS..

>> CHRIS: WOW, I MEAN, EITHERWAY THIS GOES. ADAM.

>> I RANG IN BEFORE HE DESCRIBEDIT, BUT I'M SO HAPPY IT'S

ACTUALLY NICOLAS CAGED ANIMALS.I'M GOING WITH CAGED ANIMALS.

>> Chris: OK, LET'S FIND OUT.LET'S FIND OUT.

NO!

R/ONETRUEGOD.

I'M ACTUALLY SUBSCRIBED TO THISONE, IT'S [BLEEP]ING GREAT.

>> HOW HASN'T NICOLAS CAGE BEENON THE SHOW YET?

>> CHRIS: I DON'T KNOW. WE HAVEOFFERS OUT TO HIM.

>> HE IS A NATIONAL TREASURE.

>> HE IS!

I WILL GIVE YOU 1,000 AMERICANDOLLARS, NICOLAS CAGE, TO GET ON

THIS PROGRAM, $1,000 -- OF MYOWN MONEY!

HOW ABOUT THESE 2 UNLIKELY YETENTIRELY PLAUSIBLE SUBREDDITS?

>> R/AVACADOSGONEWILD.

A PLACE WHERE PEOPLE CAN POSTPICTURES OF PRETTY FLOORS, OR --

>> OR, DRAGONS [BLEEP]ING CARS.

A PLACE WHERE -- WAIT, YOU DON'TEVEN KNOW WHAT IT IS!

>> CHRIS: I FEEL LIKE IT'SPRETTY SELF-EXPLAINTORY.

>> JUT TO BE CLEAR, IT'S A PLACEWHERE PEOPLE CAN POST DRAWINGS

AND PICTURES -- ALTHOUGH HOWWOULD THEY HAVE A PICTURE --

OF DRAGONS [BLEEP]ING CARS.

>> CHRIS: BECAUSE DRAGONS AREREAL.

ADAM.

>> I'VE WITHIN MISSING REDDIT SOFAR BUT I REALLY HOPE IT'S

DRAGONS [BLEEP]ING CARS, BECAUSECOME ON!

>> CHRIS: LET'S FIND OUT.

YES THEY'RE BOTH RIGHT! DRAGONS[BLEEP]ING CARS AND FLOORGASM.

NOW, I'M NOT SUBSCRIBTED TOFLOORGASM, BUT I AM SUBSCRIBED

TO DRAGONS (BLEEP)ING CARS, ANDI WANT TO THANK YOU FOR WHAT YOU

HAVE WROUGHT ON HUMANITY.

>> IS THAT LISTED IN CAR FAX.

CHRIS: ALL RIGHT. IT'S TIME FOREXTREME YOUTUBE CHALLENGES.

IF YOU EVER FEEL THE JONES FOR AQUICK HIT OF DUMB, WHY NOT TRY

FALLING DOWN THE STUPIDITYK-HOLE THAT IS YOUTUBE

CHALLENGES?

THERE ARE HUNDREDS OF CHALLENGESOUT THERE THAT ARE THOROUGHLY

RIDICULOUS THAT NO ONE SHOULDEVER ATTEMPT.

THERE'S THE WORLD-FAMOUS MENTOSAND DIET SODA CHALLENGE, THE

GHOST PEPPER CHALLENGE, AND OFCOURSE THE CINNAMON CHALLENGE AS

PERFORMED BY "GAME OF THRONES"STAR MAISIE WILLIAMS.

HERE WE GO.

( LAUGHTER )

IT LOOKS SO MUCH MORESOPHISTICATED WHEN THE BRITISH

DO IT.

COMEDIANS, I AM TASKING YOU WITHCOMING UP WITH AS MANY EXTREME

YOUTUBE CHALLENGES AS POSSIBLE.

IN 60 SECONDS.

GO. BETH.

>> THE CINNAMON CHALLENGE WHENYOU ARE BORN AND YOUR PARENTS

GIVE YOU THE NAME CINNAMON ANDYOU GROW UP TRYING NOT TO BE A

STRIPPER.

>> CHRIS: OKAY, POINTS! THAT'S ALIFELONG CHALLNGE. ADAM.

>> USING A MAC STRUCK TO DESTROYAS MANY SMART CARS AS CAN

CHALLENGE.

>> CHRIS: OKAY. POINTS. BETH.

>> TRYING NOT TO KILL YOURSELFWHEN YOU READ THE COMMENTS ON

YOUR OWN YOUTUBE VIDEO.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS. ADAM.

>> DECIDING WHICH OF YOUR 15VENDERRIBILITY T-SHIRTS TO WEAR

ON TELEVISION CHALLENGE.

>> CHRIS: THERE'S ANOTHER ONE!

>> THERE'S ANOTHER ONE.

>> CHRIS: NATE.

>> BLIND FOLD A GUY AND GIVE HIMA COKE AND A PEPSI AND SEE WHICH

ONE HE LIKES MORE.

I DON'T HAVE A NAME YET, BUTSOMETHING ALONG THOSE LINES.

>> CHRIS: ADAM.

>> NAVIGATE AN NFL LOCKER ROOMAS A WOMAN CHALLENGE.

>> CHRIS: OKAY.

THAT'S A VERY SERIOUS CHALLENGE.

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