I woke up with a viciousspider bite.
And I felt so horrible
that I spiraled into thinking
I also had prostate cancer.
'Cause I felt a little twinge
and I was like,"Probably the worst thing."
So I ran to an emergency clinic.
And they're like,what seems to be the problem?
I'm like, vicious spider bite,little bit of cancer.
And they take yourblood pressure. (chuckles)
And she goes,your blood pressure is very low.
That means you'reprobably dehydrated.
Oh, can you get dehydratedfrom the cancer?
She goes, do you feel thirsty?
And I thought about it,and I did. I was very thirsty.
But I was like,"It's the winter--
"it's too cold out for water.
"I drink water in the summerand then in the winter
I just feel awful."
"I don't know howyou live your life.
But that's how I live mine."
She looked at my spider bite.
She goes,"That's an ingrown hair."
So I ran to anemergency clinic, dying,
and they're like,
"You need a Fijiand that's a pimple."
"Okay, all right. Can I get
some antibiotics or something?"
I went home, I dranka lot of water.
Got to say, very refreshing.
Now I'm a water snob.I carry a water bottle around.
Any time somebody complains,
I assume it's a water problem.
"I'm depressed.""You're probably dehydrated."
"Yeah, I'm going throughsome marital issues."
"Are you bothdrinking enough water?"
"My grandpa passed away."
"He was 98 years old."
"Yeah, they need it the most.
They really do."
I have a lot of anxiety.I jog for the anxiety.
Often, when I'm jogging,
I daydream aboutanimals attacking me.
Which does help me run faster.
Everywhere you go,there's different
animal attack strategies.
I was in Florida.This guy was like,
"If it's an alligator,run in a zigzag.
Everybody knows that."
I hadn't heard that.
"Glad we had this talk."
Aren't alligator's eyeson the sides of their head?
Wouldn't they see you moreif you're zigzagging?
Like, "There he is.
"Good thing he's runninglike a weirdo."
"If he ran straight ahead,he'd be in my blind spot."
I know some attacks...Like, I know shark attack,
put it in a headlock,drag it to land.
Stupid shark.Can't even breathe.
It's like, grow up, shark.
I heard if you see a wolf,you're not supposed to smile.
It takes the teethas a sign of aggression.
Yeah, I don't knowwho sees a wolf...
"It's a whole pack.Wave."
The wolves are smiling, too.
And there's some
snapping turtles that can be upto 300 pounds. Very vicious.
If you're attacked...
they say to put its headunderwater. Weak neck.
If I'm ever attackedby a 300-pound turtle,
my first movewill be to walk away.
I think step two is,if it chases,
you're gonnawant to keep walking.
Just don't take a nap.
That's when the turtle strikes.
It's tough, man. Papa John'sPizza has a new promotion.
You can plan ahead, order apizza up to 21 days in advance.
For all those days
when you're like,"I could sure go for a pizza
"in about three weeks.
"If only there was a wayI could lock it in.
"'Cause you know how those pizzaplaces are always selling out
of pizza day of."
I want to place that order,then just call every day
and just check in.
"Hey, I called yesterdayabout two pizzas in 20 days.
"Can I tweak that orderto one pizza?
"My girlfriend and I broke up.
She said I plan too much, andI say she doesn't plan enough."
The next day,
"Hey, I called the last two daysabout a pizza in 19 days.
"Can I change the address?
"I had to moveinto my mom's basement.
"Yeah, 'cause of the breakup.Good memory.
"And we're gonna make ittwo pizzas again.
"Mom's gonna want one.
"Yeah, I should've just left itat two.
All right,I'll talk to you tomorrow."
And just call every day
and then finally,on the last day, you're like,
"You know, it turns outI'm in the mood for Chinese.
"So I'm gonna cancel. Uh...
"Yeah, I had pizza for lunch--I just ordered
"and then it came right away.It was really easy.
"But I like what you're doing.
"I'd love to placeanother order.
And I will talkto you tomorrow."
but his eyeswould be blurred out.
"Welcome to heaven, Joe.
Aren't you sad you can't seemy sweet eyes?"
"Why are your eyes censored,God?
Are-are your eyes nipples?"
"No, Joe, they aren't nipples.
"They're corporate logos.
Don't you wishyou knew which ones?"
"No, but I wouldn't tell you."
"Are they McDonald's arches?"
"No, but that's a good guess."
"Apple Computer apples?"
"You sounded differenton that one, God."
"Oh, pickle sticks, you got me.
They're apples.Welcome to the iCloud."
Why, thank you.
First ever assassination attemptwas on Andrew Jackson.
He inventedthe assassination attempt.
A guy walked up, shotpoint-blank, the gun misfired.
Dude pulled out a second gun--
'cause I guesshe'd heard how hard it was
to kill Andrew Jackson.
It also misfired.
So Jackson beat the dudewith his cane.
And then he built a statueof himself
right where that happened.
When he left office, he said
his only regretafter eight years
was that he didn't shootJohn C. Calhoun dead.
John C. Calhoun washis vice president.
Can you imagine Obama in 2016?
"Any regrets?""No, everything was great.
"I do wishI had murdered Joe Biden.
I do wish that."
"What about the fiscal cliff,the unemployment,
the Web site problems?""No, that was all fine.
"It's just that one homicide
of Joe Biden."
When Jackson died,he had a pet parrot.
'Cause apparentlyhe was also a land pirate.
And the parrot had to be removedfrom his funeral
because it wouldn't stopcussing.
I really want to see this movieget made.
And I want it directedby Quentin Tarantino.
And I want Andrew Jacksonplayed by Samuel L. Jackson.
And I want the pet parrot voicedover by Samuel L. Jackson.