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Extended - Thursday, February 4, 2016 - Uncensored

  • 02/04/2016
  • views: 14,529

Scott Adsit, Annabeth Gish and Greg Proops give pot-inspired sermons, dream up #BetterHalftimeShows and list new cases for "The X-Files" in this extended, uncensored episode. (22:37)

NOW IT'S TIME TO GO TO A PLACE

WHERE WE DON'T NEED REASONS.

IT'S PANDERDOME!

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)HERE'S A LIST OF YOUR TOP

TRENDICLES ON THE WORLD WIDE WEBTODAY.

FIRST THING WE'RE GONNA TALKABOUT IS "DADDY DEAREST."

DADDY DEAREST.

BELCHING SEA LION WITH ASPAGHETTI HAT, DONALD TRUMP,

AND...

(LAUGHTER)>> OH.

>> HARDWICK: ...AND FLESHYMOBILE GARGOYLE TED CRUZ EMERGED

AS THE GOP FRONTRUNNERS, BUT...

>> OH, MY GOD.

>> HARDWICK: ...WHAT KIND OFFAMILY MEN ARE THEY?

WELL, HERE'S CRUZ SHOWINGEVERYONE JUST HOW MUCH HIS

DAUGHTER LOVES HIM.

>> HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY.

HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY.

>> OW! OW! OW! OW!

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)(GISH SCREAMING)

>> HARDWICK: OH! OH, MY GOD.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)SO...

>> IT'S SO GROSS.

>> HARDWICK: THAT KISS JUST MADEHER A DEMOCRAT.

THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED JUST THERE.

(LAUGHTER)NOW, GOING TO THE OTHER SIDE OF

THE SPECTRUM, TRUMP AND HISDAUGHTER HAVE A VERY CLOSE

RELATIONSHIP.

IN FACT, SO UNCOMFORTABLY CLOSETHAT SHE'S SITTING ON HIS LAP

AND CRADLING HIS JOWLS.

(AUDIENCE GROANING)WHILE TWO PARROTS ARE FUCKING

NEAR THEM.

(LAUGHTER)TO BE CLEAR, THOUGH, UH... TO BE

CLEAR ABOUT THESE PARROTS, THISPARROT IS NOT THE DAUGHTER OF

THIS PARROT, SO I JUST WANT TOMAKE THAT VERY...

THEY'RE NOT RELATED.

THEY'RE NOT... THEY'RE NOTRELATED IN ANY WAY.

THIS IS A PRETTY INCREDIBLEIMAGE.

WHAT DID THE PHOTOGRAPHER SAYRIGHT BEFORE HE TOOK THIS

PICTURE? ANNABETH.

>> UH, UH, OKAY, GREAT.

UH, NOW THIS TIME, MAKE MEREALLY UNCOMFORTABLE.

(LAUGHTER)YEAH?

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, YOU

HEARD THE MAN. POINTS.

GREG.

>> UH, OKAY, ON THE COUNT OFTHREE, SAY IT WITH ME.

"LET'S MAKE INCEST GREAT AGAIN!"(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)

(APPLAUSE)>> HARDWICK: POINTS. AGAIN.

LET'S MAKE IT GREAT AGAIN.

POINTS.

>> IT WAS GREAT BEFORE.

>> HARDWICK: SCOTT ADSIT.

>> UH, AS A WOMAN, I FIND THISAND YOU REPUGNANT, BUT I AM

GONNA VOTE FOR YOU ANYWAYBECAUSE I... AM A RACIST.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

ONTO OUR NEXT PANDERDOME TOPIC.

BEN & JERRY'S.

THERE WAS ANOTHER DEMOCRATICTOWN HALL WEDNESDAY.

AS THE RACE HEATS UP, CAMPAIGNDONORS ARE GOING TO EXTREMES TO

GET PEOPLE TO VOTE, LIKE VERMONTICE CREAM OVERLORD BEN COHEN OF

BEN & JERRY'S WHO PROMISEDIOWANS FREE ICE CREAM IF THEY

VOTED FOR BERNIE SANDERS.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)IT'S...

(CHEERING)TO BE FAIR, HE CAN'T CHEW

ANYTHING HARDER.

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)BUT, COMEDIANS... COMEDIANS,

WHAT ARE SOME OTHER WAYS ACOMPANY CAN INCENTIVIZE PEOPLE

TO VOTE FOR A CANDIDATE?

GREG PROOPS.

>> UH, IF YOU VOTE FOR SANDERS,YOU GET TO GO TO THE PASSOVER

SHOUT-OFF.

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT. POINTS.

>> FUCK YOU!

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: "GREG PROOPS

GETTING VERY AGGRESSIVE WITH THECROWD RIGHT OFF THE BAT."

SCOTT ADSIT.

>> UH, VOTE FOR CRUZ, ANDCHICK-FIL-A WILL BATTER AND

DEEP-FRY A HAPPILY-MARRIED GAYCOUPLE.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

POINTS.

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)ONTO OUR NEXT TOPIC.

CROWD WORK. CROWD WORK.

WHILE IN N'AMPSHIRE THISWEEK, OVERACHIEVING WAL-MART

GREETER JEB BUSH GOT THE CROWDALL RILED UP...

(PROOPS LAUGHS LOUDLY)THANK YOU, GREG PROOPS.

...IN AN INTERESTING WAY.

WHAT DID HE DO?

AN AIR GUITAR SOLO TO "THE FINALCOUNTDOWN," OR DID HE BEG HIS

AUDIENCE TO APPLAUD HIM?

GREG PROOPS.

>> UM, BOTH. NO.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

♪ DO-DO, DO, DO. >> HARDWICK: COME ON, GUYS.

>> ♪ DO-DO-DO, DO, DO. >> NOW, HE BEGGED HIS AUDIENCE

TO APPLAUD HIM BECAUSE THEY SATQUIET AFTER EVERYTHING HE SAID.

THEY'RE HONORING EVERYTHING HESAYS WITH A MOMENT OF SILENCE.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

>> HARDWICK: I WILL...

I WILL GIVE YOU POINTS, AND THENI WILL SHOW YOU THE ANSWER.

>> ...YOU GET BACK IN THEBUSINESS OF CREATING A MORE

PEACEFUL WORLD.

PLEASE CLAP.

(LAUGHTER)>> OH, OH, THAT'S SO...

>> HARDWICK: THIS GUY'S AFUCKIN' TOOL, MAN!

(LAUGHTER)>> MAN, THAT IS AN UNHAPPY GROUP

OF WHITE PEOPLE.

(LAUGHTER)

IT'S NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'S#HASHTAGWARS.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)COMMERCIAL BOWL 50 IS THIS

WEEKEND, AND ONE THING I'MEXCITED FOR-- BESIDES PUPPY

BOWL, OF COURSE... WHICH I'MGONNA WATCH INSTEAD OF THE SUPER

BOWL-- UH, IS THE HALFTIME SHOW.

I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE PEOPLE ONSOCIAL MEDIA SOMEHOW MUSTER

PASSIONATE OPINIONS ABOUTCOLDPLAY.

THAT'S LIKE HAVING A HOT TAKE ONTOAST. BUT...

(LAUGHTER)...SINCE THE HATERS ARE COMING,

LET'S PREEMPT THEM WITHTONIGHT'S HASHTAG

#BETTERHALFTIMESHOWS.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE:BEYONCÉ MAKES A SANDWICH AND

ANSWERS SOME E-MAILS, OR...

A DIFFERENT FOOTBALL GAME.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK, AND BEGIN.

GREG.

>> COLDPLAY GETS BEATEN UP BYDAVID BOWIE'S GHOST.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)ANNABETH.

>> BONO READS GLAM POETRY.

>> HARDWICK: YES. POINTS.

SCOTT.

>> A BASKETBALL GAME.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(LAUGHTER)GREG PROOPS.

>> NO HALFTIME SHOW.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

SCOTT.

>> SNIPER CAM.

>> HARDWICK: YES. POINTS.

(LAUGHTER, GROANING, JEERING)(LAUGHING): POINTS.

(WHOOPING)THERE IT IS, THERE IT IS.

HE'S ZEROING IN.

ALL RIGHT, ANNABETH.

>> SCULLY AND MULDER FINALLYFUCK.

>> HARDWICK: YES!

(CHEERING, WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)POINTS.

I JUST... I JUST NEEDED TOPROCESS THAT FOR A SECOND.

POINTS. GREG.

>> I KNOW. WE'LL ALL HAVE AMOMENT TONIGHT.

(LAUGHTER)WE LEAVE EARLY TO BEAT TRAFFIC.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH. POINTS.

ANNABETH.

>> OH, TOM BRADY AND GISELE MAKEA BABY.

>> HARDWICK: YES! RIGHT THERE?

>> WHOO-HOO-HOO! RIGHT THERE.

>> HARDWICK: HE JUST...

(LAUGHTER)>> RIGHT THERE.

I MEAN, I'D WATCH THAT.

(LAUGHTER)I'D LOVE THAT.

>> HARDWICK: HE'S REALLY GOINGALL THE WAY!

AND IT'S A TOUCHDOWN-- HE ISSPIKING HIS BALLS!

(LAUGHTER)>> UH-OH, THEY'RE DEFLATED!

(CHEERING, SHOUTING, LAUGHTER)>> OH, MY GOD!

>> NOTHING'S COMING OUT OF THEM.

(WHOOPING)OUCH!

>> HARDWICK: POINTS TO GREGPROOPS-- FOR THAT, A HUNDRED

POINTS.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY THE PARENTRAP, THE PARENT RAP.

NOW...

(CHEERING)THERE'S A NEW WAY FOR

OVER-COMPETITIVE PARENTS TOONE-UP EACH OTHER IN THE MOST

OBNOXIOUS WAY POSSIBLE-- PARENTRAPS.

THE CONCEPT IS SIMPLE.

MOMMIES AND DADDIES TAKE A RAPSONG THEY WANT TO RUIN FOREVER

AND EVER, AND THEY CHANGE THELYRICS TO BE ABOUT PARENTING.

HOW COULD IT FAIL?

SO, COMEDIANS, I'M GONNA SHOWYOU A SHORT CLIP OF THE MOST

HORRIBLE PARENT RAP VIDEO, ANDFOR 250 POINTS, YOU HAVE TO

ANSWER A QUESTION ABOUT IT.

FIRST UP, THESE PARTY ROCKERS.

>> ♪ COPTER MOMMY IN THE HOUSETONIGHT

GOT TO MAKE SURE THAT♪ EVERYTHING'S RIGHT

EVERY DAY I'M HOVERIN'...

♪ >> HARDWICK: WHAT IS THE NAME OF

THE...

I'M SORRY, GREG. I'M SORRY.

I KNOW THIS IS HARD... SOME OFIT'S HARD TO WATCH.

>> I JUST DON'T FEEL THAT WELLRIGHT NOW, CHRIS.

>> HARDWICK: I KNOW-- I FEELBAD, TOO.

WE ALL FEEL BAD, TOO.

WE'RE GONNA GET THROUGH THIS,THOUGH.

>> DO YOU FEEL LIKE MAYBE YOUMARRIED THE WRONG WOMAN?

>> YEAH.

(LAUGHTER)I WISH MY WIFE WOULD TWERK IN A

PLAYGROUND.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: UH...

WHAT IS THE NAME OF THE FESTIVALTHIS BAND IS HEADLINING?

SCOTT ADSIT.

>> THE GATHERING OF THEJUGGA-LOSERS.

>> HARDWICK: YES. POINTS.

(LAUGHTER)ANNABETH.

>> MENOPAUSE-A-PALOOZA.

>> HARDWICK: OH, THAT'S SO GOOD!

(WHOOPING)YES. POINTS.

YES, VERY GOOD.

NEXT UP, THIS POTTY-MOUTHED MAMARAPPING ABOUT WHAT SHE DOES WHEN

THE KIDS GO TO SCHOOL.

>> ♪ DRINK MY COFFEEWHILE IT'S STILL PIPIN' HOT

READ A MAGAZINE♪ WHILE ON THE POT

SCHOOL, SCHOOLSCHOOL

THEY'RE BACK TO SCHOOL... ♪(LAUGHTER)

>> HARDWICK: I HAD TO MAKE AVIDEO-- I JUST SIT AT HOME ALL

DAY!

YOU GET TO GO TO WORK, BUT I'MJUST SITTING HERE, I'M JUST

FUCKING SITTING HERE!

(LAUGHTER)WHAT ELSE DOES SHE DO WHEN HER

KIDS AREN'T HOME?

GREG.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT SHE DOES,CHRIS.

(LAUGHTER)SCOTT ADSIT.

>> SHE CRIES, CHRIS, SHE FUCKINGCRIES.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

POINTS. YEAH.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)NEXT UP, SOME FAT DADS WITH WAY

TOO MUCH TIME.

♪ ZERO-TURN RADIUSMY NEIGHBORS SAY "WHAT?"

THEY BE DRIVING BY♪ PEEPING MY LANDSCAPE

YO, THESE GREENSGOT NOTHING ON MY MANSCAPE ♪

>> ♪ IT'S THE DAD LIFE >> GROSS.

>> ♪ SHOOTING VIDS OF THE KIDSIT'S THE DAD LIFE. ♪

>> HARDWICK: WELL...

I WOULD SAY THESE GUYS LOOK MORELIKE A BOY BAND THAN RAPPERS, SO

WHAT WOULD THEIR BOY BAND NAMEBE?

ANNABETH.

>> THE FLACCID STREET BOYS.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS, YEAH.

POINTS.

MR. ADSIT.

>> THE THREE OF THEM ARE CALLEDONE ERECTION.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

POINTS.

THEY-THEY HAVE TO SHARE IT.

YEAH.

>> DON'T WE OWE AMERICA ANAPOLOGY FOR SHOWING THESE?

>> HARDWICK: YES, THE APOLOGY ISTHAT YOU'RE RIDICULING THESE

POOR PEOPLE FOR JUST DOINGSOMETHING THEY THOUGHT WAS FUN

FOR A DAY.

>> YES, SCOTT?

>> GREG, THIS IS AMERICA.

>> HARDWICK: THIS IS IT, MAN.

>> WELL, THEN THEY OWE ME AFUCKING APOLOGY.

>> DAMN RIGHT.

>> HARDWICK: NEXT UP, WE REWINDTO THESE TUPAC BABY SHAKERS.

>> ♪ MOM, MOM, SHE'S THE BOMBROCKIN' ALL NIGHT TILL THE BREAK

OF DAWN ♪>> ♪ DAD, DAD, HE'S THE MAN

WORKIN' REAL HARD TO SUPPORT THECLAN. ♪

>> HARDWICK: WORKIN' REAL HARDTO SUPPORT THE KLAN?

>> OH, MY GOD.

>> OH, NO.

>> THE REST OF THAT VIDEO...

THE REST OF THAT VIDEO ISUNAIRABLE.

>> BUT...

BUT IT ALSO LOOKS LIKE THEY'REGROWING, LIKE, A MARIJUANA

PLANT THAT... YOU KNOW?

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, RIGHT THERE.

WELL, THAT'S HOW THEY'RESUPPORTING THE KLAN.

THEY'RE SELLING...

UH, ALSO...

I MEAN, YOU DON'T MATCH THATDISHWASHER WITH THIS CABINETRY.

I MEAN, THIS IS...

THIS IS ALL WRONG.

THIS-THIS FAILS ON SO MANYLEVELS.

AND THERE HE IS IN THEBACKGROUND, LOOKING AT REDTUBE

OR WHATEVER, NOT FUCKING...

PAYING ATTENTION.

WHAT IS A... WHAT IS A CONDITIONOF THEIR INEVITABLE DIVORCE?

GREG PROOPS.

>> SHE GETS THE MURDER, HE GETSTHE SUICIDE.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

SCOTT ADSIT.

>> UH, SHE GETS THE HOUSE, HEGETS THE BOAT, AND THE STATE OF

CALIFORNIA GETS THE KIDS.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POINTS.

GOOD.

THESE KIDS ARE KLAN PROPERTYNOW.

NOW... I MEAN, I KNOW SHE MEANT"FAMILY CLAN", LIKE, CLAN, BUT

YOU STILL DON'T SAY THAT.

>> YOU DON'T KNOW THAT.

BEFORE THE BREAK I TOLD YOUABOUT A BIBLE STUDY THAT

ENCOURAGES ATTENDEES TO SMOKEWEED.

I ASKED YOU TO GIVE ME A LINEFOR ONE OF THESE PUFF-PUFF

PASTORS.

LET'S SEE WHAT YOU WROTE.

GREG PROOPS, LET'S START WITHYOU.

>> BROTHERS AND SISTERS, DUDESAND DUDETTES, I ENTREAT YOU TO

OPEN YOUR BIBLES TO THE BOOK OFCHONG.

THE LORD SAYETH, "DAVE'S NOTHERE."

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER...

BROTHERS AND SISTERS, DUDES ANDDUDETTES, I ENTREAT YOU TO OPEN

YOUR BIBLES TO THE BOOK OFCHONG.

>> HARDWICK: NICE.

ANNABETH.

>> AND LO, JESUS RODE HISSKATEBOARD ACROSS THE WATER,

KICK-FLIPPED IN FRONT OF THEAPOSTLES AND SAID, "(INHALES)

DOOB UNTO OTHERS AS YOU WOULDHAVE THEM DOOB UNTO YOU."

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

VERY WELL DONE.

VERY WELL DONE.

SCOTT ADSIT.

>> ON THE FIRST DAY, GOD MADEADAM.

THEN GOD TOOK SOME OF ADAM'SMCRIB...

AND MADE EVE.

FOR, LO, THE MCRIB WAS BACK.

AS WE GO TO OUR NEXT GAME, THEREJECTS-FILES.

THE REJECTS-FILES.

THE HIT SERIES FROM THE 1900S,X-FILES, IS BACK ON FOX FOR A

SIX-EPISODE REVIVAL!

AND, SERIOUSLY, IT'S FUCKINGGREAT.

IF YOU'RE NOT WATCHING IT, IDON'T KNOW WHY YOU DON'T LIKE

GOOD THINGS.

BUT FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE TOOYOUNG TO REMEMBER, THE X-FILES

WAS ABOUT A TEAM OF FBI AGENTS,UH, WHO WAS PARTIALLY LED BY THE

GUY FROM RED SHOE DIARIES, WHOINVESTIGATED ALL THE BIZARRE

UNSOLVED CASES THE GOVERNMENTCOULDN'T CRACK, WHILE WE ALL

WATCHED 'EM AND JUST WAITED FORTHEM, "PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF

GOD, JUST DO IT ONE TIME.

ONE TIME, ONE TIME!"BUT CLEARLY ITS RETURN TO

TELEVISION MEANS THAT THERE ARESTILL CASES AS YET UNSOLVED.

SO, COMEDIANS, I WOULD LIKE YOUTO COME UP WITH SOME NEW X-FILES

PARANORMAL COLD CASES THAT AREJUST WAITING TO BE SOLVED.

AND BEGIN.

SCOTT.

>> UH, THE TRUMPACABRA, WHICH ISA-A LITTLE ORANGE CREATURE THAT

EATS MEXICANS.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)POINTS FOR THAT. ANNABETH.

>> ARE ALIENS JUST REALLY INTOBUTT STUFF?

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

YEAH.

THEY ARE. GREG PROOPS.

>> THE MYSTERY OF WHY DAVIDDUCHOVNY LOOKS OLD AND GILLIAN

ANDERSON LOOKS EXACTLY THE SAME.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

>> AH. OH.

>> HARDWICK: SCOTT ADSIT.

>> UH, THE RECYCLABLE TWILIGHTZONE EPISODES.

>> HARDWICK: AW! THEY ARE NOTRECYCLABLE TWILIGHT ZONE

EPISODES!

>> THAT'S WHY IT'S A MYSTERY!

>> HARDWICK: THEY ARE NOT ATALL!

THE TWILIGHT ZONE WERE-WERESOCIAL COMMENTARY AND MORALITY

TALES!

>> OH, AND THIS IS JUST A BUNCHOF CRAP?!

>> HARDWICK: WHY ARE YOUINDICATING TO HER?!

>> ME?!

>> SHE'S ON THE SHOW!

>> HARDWICK: I KNOW SHE'S ON THESHOW!

>> IT'S HER SHOW YOU'REINSULTING!

>> HARDWICK: I LO... YOUINSULTED THE SHOW!

>> I DON'T THINK SO, SIR!

>> HARDWICK: NO! SCOTT, SCOTT,SCOTT, IF YOU WATCH THE TAPES

BACK, THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE!

>> I NEVER WATCH THIS SHOW!

>> HARDWICK: UH...

>> DID YOU SAY "POINTS" AFTER ISAID THAT?

>> HARDWICK: OH. POINTS?

>> YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: NOT LIKE YOU'REGONNA SEE IT LATER.

(LAUGHTER)