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The One Where the Guys Play Basketball

The guys are divided over how far they're willing to go to win an office basketball tournament. (21:14)

- WELL, I DO HAVETHIS NEANDERTHAL JAW HERE,

SO I'M GONNA GO WITH I'M A SIX.

- WELL, YOU'RE TOO SKINNY.

I THINK YOU COULD BE A SEVENIF YOU WEREN'T SO SKINNY.

'CAUSE, LIKE,GIRLS LOVE A LITTLE SQUISH.

REMINDS 'EM OF THEIR DADS.- YEAH.

- YOU KNOW? AND ALL GIRLSWANNA BANG THEIR DADS.

BUT THEY CAN'TBECAUSE OF LAWS AND STUFF.

- I'M AN 11,'CAUSE I GOT A SIX UP HERE,

AND A FIVE-INCH PORK SWORD,SO...

- OH...[laughter]

- OH! HEY, HEY!

[honks horn]- GET OUTTA THE WAY!

- LET'S GO, BABAK.

- WE'RE TRYINGTO GET SOME DOUGHNUTS, MAN!

- [laughs]OOH, THEY FEISTY TODAY.

- HEY, GET THIS HOOPTYOFF MY COURT.

- ARE YOU TELLING MEYOU CONDONE OF THIS? AND THAT?

- YEAH, WELL,CORPORATE'S BEEN BUGGING ME

TO START A "HEALTH INITIATIVE."

SO INSTEAD OF RUNNINGSOME STUPID 5K,

WHICH WOULD KILLHALF OF THESE SLOBS,

WE'RE HAVINGA 3-ON-3 TOURNAMENT.

- OH, VERY COOL.

I DID NOT KNOWYOU BALLED, ALICE.

- YEAH, WELL, IT'S IN MY BLOOD.

MY DAD WORKED FORTHE CHICAGO BULLS GROWING UP.

- MY GOSH. THAT WOULD BE,LIKE, A DREAM GIG.

- DID HE PARTYWITH B.J. ARMSTRONG?

- DID HE AND B.J., LIKE, GET BJsTOGETHER IN THE LOCKER ROOM?

THAT'D BE COOL, RIGHT?- [laughs] YEAH.

- ARE YOU ASKING MEIF MY DAD GOT A [bleep]JOB

NEXT TO AN NBA PLAYERIN A BATHROOM

AND THEN TOLD ME ABOUT IT?

- OH, IT'S INAPPROPRIATE?- YEAH, A LITTLE BIT.

- OH, SORRY, THERE'S DIFFERENTSOCIAL STANDARDS

IN DIFFERENT SITUATIONS.- YEAH.

- EW.

ANYWAY, I DID GET CORPORATETO PUT UP A COOL-ASS PRIZE.

[clicks tongue]

- OH! OH! IS THAT A DODGE DART?OH! [laughs]

I FREAKIN' LOVE DODGE DARTS.- GREAT SAFETY RATINGS.

- THAT IS MY FAVORITE CAR,AND I'M ASKING FOR THAT

FOR, LIKE, THE NEXT SIXCHRISTMASES FROM MY PARENTS.

- NO. NO, NO, NO,YOU DON'T WIN THE CAR.

NO, THAT'S THE COMPANY CAR.

BUT YOU DO GET TO DRIVE ITFOR A TWO-DAY ONE-NIGHT STAY

AT ONE OFTHE T.A.C. TIMESHARES IN RENO!

- SO WE DO GET TO DRIVETHE DODGE DART.

- YEAH.

- SO WE DO GET TO BEIN THE DODGE DART.

- TO THE BIG DIRTY, BABY.- TO RENO, TO RENO.

I THINK RENO IS THE NEW VEGAS.

INSTEAD OF, LIKE,BEING THE RAT PACK,

WE COULD BE, LIKE,THE FRAT PACK, DUDE.

I CALL SETH ROGEN.- I'LL BE ANY WILSON BROTHER.

- ANYWAY, YOU'RE PLAYINGWAYMOND, BILL, AND BABAK

AFTER LUNCH.

- OH. COUPLE OF LOSERS!WHERE THEY AT?

- 'CAUSE WAYMOND,YOU'RE GOING DOWN!

- WATCH THIS.HEY, GUYS. HEY, GUYS.

- DON'T HAVE SEXWITH THE DODGE DART.

- I'M GONNA DUNK OFF THE VOLVO!- HEY, DUDE--

- WATCH THE SUNROOF.

all: OH!

- DUDE!- [laughs]

- AND ONE...

OF MY NUTS JUST RUPTURED.

- WHAT AN IDIOT.

- IT'S OUT OF THE POUCH.

AND, LIKE, MAYBEHAVE SEX WITH HOOKERS.

- I WANT TO HAVE SEXWITH A HOOKER SO BAD.

I WON'T PAY, BUT IF I MEET ONEAND, LIKE, WE HIT IT OFF,

I'LL TOTALLY DO IT.

- I WILL AGREE WITH BLAKE

IN THE FACT THATWE DON'T NEED TO PRACTICE.

- WHAT?- SEE? THANK YOU.

[knock on door]- OOH, RIGHT ON TIME.

LYNETTE IS THE BIGGESTAND STRONGEST

PLAYER ON THE COURT, RIGHT?- YES.

SHE'S A BIG GIRL.

- SO ALL WE GOTTA DO...

IS GET EVEN STRONGER.

[ball bounces]

KARL.

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BERIGHT THERE,

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TOCATCH THE PASS.

- OH, SHOOT, I'M SORRY, MAN.

- THAT WAS THE WHOLE POINTOF YOU DO--DOING IT.

- I-I FORGOT.

THERE'S HELLA MILLIPEDESUNDER THAT BUSH.

IT'S COOL-LOOKING.- IT IS COOL-LOOKING.

- THAT'S AWESOME.WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON?

- UH, WE GOT, UH, STEROIDS.- HERE YOU GO.

- THE MEXICAN KIND,SO YOU KNOW THEY'RE GOOD.

- HERE'S THE JUICE,AND HERE IS THE JUICE SHOOTERS.

- THE JUICE SHOOTERS.

- BE CAREFUL.THOSE ARE NOT CLEAN.

- I'M OKAY ON THAT.

- HEY, BLAKE, IS IT COOLIF I FREE-BALL IT

UNDERNEATH MY FARM SHAMAN OUTFITLATER ON FOR THE WOW THING?

I GOT A LITTLE BITOF A CHEESE DICK SITUATION.

- ACTUALLY, IN THE WOW REALM,THERE IS NO UNDERWEAR.

- WONDERFUL.- I'M ALREADY STARTED.

- THANK YOU.THANK YOU FOR COMING, KARL.

AND I DON'T APPRECIATEYOU FILLING BLAKE'S HEAD

WITH ALL THIS NERD KNOWLEDGE,

WHEN HE SHOULD BE FILLINGHIS HEAD WITH STEROIDS.

[warbles]

[inhales]

THE OLD GODS PLOT THE SPREADOF MANIFEST EVIL.

IN THE ICY TUNDRASOF THE NORTHERN REALM,

A SPIRIT OF PURE MALICE

COMMANDS AN ARMY OF ORCS.

[spits]FOUL THINGS.

AND YET IN THIS LOWLY HOVEL,

ONE OF US HAS MURDERIN OUR HEARTS.

- NO! OW! OW!PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!

STOP IT! OUCH!

- OH! OH! OH, WHOA, WHOA.

[clears throat]

BUMBLEBEE TUNA,BUMBLEBEE TUNA.

- WHAT?

- [whispers]YOUR BALLS ARE SHOWING.

- OH.- YEAH AND BUTTHOLE, EVERYTHING.

WHOLE GOOCH.- SORRY, BRO.

- SORRY ABOUT THAT. AH!

YOUNG GAZZBROOK GOLDCRANKIS DEAD!

AND ONE OF US IS THE MURDERER,BUT WHOM?

IS IT YOU? AH, YES.

YOU HAVE THE LOOK OF MURDERIN YOUR EYES.

OR IS IT THE FILTHY BLOOD ELFSAETHARIN FIREWHISPER?

- OKAY, I'M SORRY, BLAKE, CAN WEGET NAMETAGS OR SOMETHING?

'CAUSE YOU JUST CALLED THAT GUY"SEAFART FIRETRUCK."

I'M NEVER GONNA REMEMBER THAT.

- HE'S RIGHT HERE.HE'S NOT EVEN IN HIS ROOM.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WHAT'S EVERYONESTILL DOING HERE, MAN?

WE GOT A B-BALL GAME!

- I HAVE TO FINISHTHIS GAME FIRST.

- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?- YEAH, IT'S GOING ON 14 HOURS.

OH, MY GOSH, NONSTOP.

- HATE TO TELL YOUYOUR WORLD OF "WARCRAP" GAME

IS OVER!- OKAY.

- THE MYSTERY'S SOLVED,THE MURDERERS ARE HERE.

DEMAMP,LET'S SLIT SOME THROATS!

- YEAH! MURDER 'EM!KILL 'EM ALL!

HELL YEAH![grunts]

DEATH!- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- JUST...KICKIN' IT RIGHT NOWIN THE 'ROID LOUNGE, CHILLIN'.

ABOUT READY TO INJECT MYSELF,GET THE BLOOD PUMPING!

- YOU JUST DID STEROIDS.

- RIGHT DOWN MY D-HOLE!DAHHH!

JUST KIDDING,THAT WOULD HURT.

I'M GONNA GOIN MY HEART THOUGH.

[bleep]

- OKAY, FINE.I'LL GET IT STARTED!

I'M GETTING IT STARTED!WHOO!

- WAIT.- THIS IS FUN!

LET'S GO.YOU'RE DEAD.

- NO, NO.- YOU'RE DEAD!

MURDERED!LET'S GO, DUDE!

GET OUTTA HERE!- WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM, MAN?

- YOU GONNA SIT HEREAND EYEBALL ME, MAN?

- YOU THINK I'M AFRAID OF YOU?- I KNOW YOU ARE, NUT-MUNCHER.

- I AM BALKARAN HELLSCREAM,WARCHIEF OF THE HORDE, AND...

YOU ARE A MERE HUMAN.

- WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!

NO, NO, NO, DON'T GO!OH, NO!

- I WANT EVERYBODY OFF MY LAND,NOW!

- YOU...ARE OUT OF THE GUILD,KASHAKAZUL.

YOU'RE NOW BANISHEDTO BE KNOWN SIMPLY

AS BLAKE HENDERSON.- NO, NO, NO...

- HEY, JEREMY?

CAN YOUR STEPMOMGIVE ME A RIDE?

- WHAT THE HELLARE YOU DOING, MAN?

YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT TOOK METO GET IN THAT GUILD?

- NO, I DON'T KNOW.BUT YOU'RE WELCOME, OKAY?

BECAUSE THE GUILD'S FAKE,THIS TEAM IS REAL,

AND WE NEED YOU.- OKAY. YOU NEED ME?

- YES.- WELL, GUESS WHAT.

- WHAT?- I QUIT!

- IF YOU QUIT THIS TEAM...

I'M NEVER GONNA FORGIVE YOU,BLAKE.

I SWEAR ON MY MOTHER'SONLY CHILD,

WHICH IS WHO I AM,I'LL NEVER FORGIVE YOU.

- YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M GONNA MAKETHIS A LITTLE MORE INTERESTING.

- PLEASE DO.

- I'M JOINING TEZ'S TEAM.

YEAH.- YOU'RE WHAT?

- YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.AND WE'RE GOING TO RENO.

YOU HEAR THAT, ADAM?

- I'M HAVING CHEST PAINS.

- I GOTTA GO TO "AMPM,"ALL RIGHT?

I NEED A SLURPEE TO COOL OFF.- HEY, HEY!

- AH, MY CHEST HURTS!- IT'S A.M.-P.M.!

HE'S OUT OF HIS MIND.

I THINK HE'S LITERALLYLOST HIS MIND.

- I CAN'T EVEN MOVEMY LEFT ARM.

- WHAT? ARE YOU SERIOUS?- AHH!

THINK I'M HAVINGA HEART ATTACK.

- YOU'RE SHOOTING THIS STUFFRIGHT IN YOUR CHEST.

YOU'RE CRAZY.- WE NEED TO DO MORE STEROIDS.

INJECT ME WITH MORE STEROIDSTO OFFSET IT.

- YOU'RE DONE WITH STEROIDS.

- IT'S LIKE PULP FICTION.I NEED TO INJECT MORE INTO ME.

- I'M NOT INJECTINGMORE STEROIDS.

I'M GONNA TAKE YOU TOA HOSPITAL OR SOMETHING, OKAY?

- THERE'S NOT ENOUGH TIME, MAN!YOU GOTTA GET TO THE GAME!

- FORGET ABOUT THE GAME.

WE DON'T EVEN HAVEENOUGH PLAYERS FOR A TEAM.

- WELL, THEN YOU GETSOME PLAYERS.

AND YOU GET A TEAM TOGETHERAND YOU DUNK THAT BALL SO HARD,

EITHER USINGSOME MINI TRAMPOLINE

OR SOME MOON SHOES,

AND SHATTER THE BACKBOARDSO HARD

THAT IT GETS GLASSIN SOMEONE'S EYE!

- I PROMISE.

WE GOT RENO.

- IT'S A DEAL.- ALL RIGHT, DEAL.

THAT WAS A CLOSE CALL.

[laughing]

- ARE YOU GONNA CALLAN AMBULANCE?

- OH, ARE YOU STILLHEART ATTACKING?

- YEAH, I'M STILL HAVINGA HEART ATTACK.

- IS THAT STILL HAPPENING?- YEAH.

[slow jam]

OH, BABY!

THE TRILLA SQUADHAS ARRIVED,

AND ITS CAPTAIN IS ME!

AND YOU MIGHT KNOW MEAS BASKETBALL LECTER.

OVER HERE WE GOTKARL THE MALONE,

AND MY MAIN GUYG-ORGE THE G-ANITOR!

- WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.HOLD ON.

THAT'S A TERRIBLE-ASS NICKNAME.

- WHAT DO YOU WANNA BE CALLED?- HOT SAUCE.

- HOT SAUCE.HE WANTS TO BE--

WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO BE,PARMESAN?

COME ON.- I'LL BE HEINZ 57.

- OKAY.- THAT'S STUPID.

- NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

THIS TOURNAMENT'S FOR PEOPLETHAT WORK HERE ONLY.

- YEAH. SORRY, THEY'RE RIGHT.EMPLOYEES ONLY.

- THIS IS THE NIGHT JANITORAT T.A.C.,

AND THIS IS KARL THE PLUMBERFROM THAT ONE TIME.

- HI.

- I'M SORRY, I JUST--

- DON'T LIKE TO INTERACT

WITH TWO OF YOUR HARDEST-WORKINGEMPLOYEES

THAT CLEAN UP AFTER THE SLOPYOU LEAVE BEHIND

IN THAT STYYOU CALL AN OFFICE?

IS THAT WHAT'S HAPPENING?WELL, GUESS WHAT.

I'M GONNA STAND FOR IT ANYMORE,OKAY?

GUYS, GO WARM UP, ALL RIGHT?I'M ON YOUR TEAM.

I'M FIGHTING FOR YOU!- NICE TO MEET YOU, KARL.

- COME ON, HOT SAUCE, LET'S GO.- IT'S G-ORGE.

- GOOD TO SEE YOU GUYS AGAIN.I'LL TALK TO YOU AFTER THE GAME.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE.

- WHERE'S YOURLITTLE BITCH ADAM, HUH?

- WHERE'S OUR BEST FRIEND?MM, HE'S IN A HOSPITAL, BLAKE.

BECAUSE HE HAS A BROKEN HEARTTHAT YOU BROKE.

- THAT'S NOT TRUE.

YOU CAN'T GO TO THE HOSPITALFOR A BROKEN HEART.

- ADAM HAD A HEART ATTACK,OKAY,

AND THE DOCTOR SAIDIT'S YOUR FAULT

AND NOTALL THE MEXICAN STEROIDS.

SO IF IT'S COOL WITH YOU,I'M GONNA WARM UP NOW, MAN!

- BILL, I NEED YOU TO GOTO THE T.A.C. FILE ROOM,

CHECK THE CURRENT EMPLOYEESTO SEE IF THESE DUDES

ARE REAL TELAMERICANS.

FAST AS HELL!- I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT.

- HE SHOULD'VE BEENON THE TEAM.

- AHH! AHH.

WHERE AM I?WHERE AM I?

I NEED TO GO TO THE GAME.DERS NEEDS ME.

I NEED MORE STEROIDS.

YOU NEED TO INJECT MEWITH MORE STEROIDS.

- NO, NO, NO,YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE.

- SHUT UP.YUH-HUH.

- YOUR BODY HAS HADQUITE A SHOCK.

RIGHT NOW YOU NEED TO RESTAND HYDRATE.

- FREAKINGYOU NEED TO HYDRATE.

NOW I NEED TO GO TO RENO

AND FREAKINGHAVE SEX WITH CHICKS

THAT HAVE GLITTERALL OVER THEIR BOOBS

AND--AND, LIKE...

PLAY BLACKJACK AND HOPEFULLYWIN, LIKE, A TON OF CASH.

LIKE, COME HOME WITH 60 BUCKS

AND LIKE GLITTER ALL OVERMY MOUTH AND GENITALIA AREA.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- WERE YOU TAKINGANY DRUGS WHEN THIS HAPPENED?

- JUST TURN THE GAME ON, MAN.- WHAT GAME, SIR?

- THE TELAMERICAN OFFICEBASKETBALL TOURNAMENT GAME.

- I'M NOT SURETHEY'RE BROADCASTING THAT GAME.

I'M SURE WE CAN GET YOUA MAGAZINE.

- HAND ME MY PHONE,AND I'LL CALL JILLIAN

AND HAVE HERDO A PLAY-BY-PLAY.

- ALL RIGHT.

- DID YOU PUT DICK PICIN MY PHONE?

- NO.- OH, YOU'RE RIGHT, THAT'S MINE.

[whistle blows][overlapped chatter]

- HELLO.

- HEY, WHAT'S UP?IT'S ADAM.

I'M IN THE HOSPITAL.

I NEED YOU TO TELL MEWHAT'S HAPPENING IN THE GAME.

- WELL, THANKS FOR ASKING.

MY GAME IS TOTALLY HOTRIGHT NOW.

THERE'S A CUTE BABEBEHIND ME.

I'M GONNA SMILE AT HIM,SEE HOW IT GOES.

- THERE IT IS!- OH!

[all yelling]- MY BAD! MY BAD! MY BAD!

"D" UP, "D" UP!COME ON, TEZ! "D" UP!

[overlapped shouting]

- YOU'RE BLOCKING ME OUTWITH YOUR ARM!

- WHOO!THE G-ANITOR'S CLEANING UP!

[cheers and applause]

- HEY, FOCUS UP.

TELL ME WHAT'S HAPPENINGIN THE GAME.

- OKAY, YEAH.ANDERS HAS THE BALL.

AND HE PASSED IT TO ADAM.

OH.- I'M ADAM.

- NOT ADAM.YOU'RE ADAM.

[laughing]THAT'S SO WEIRD.

YOU EVER DO THAT, WHERE YOU'RETELLING SOMEONE A STORY

ABOUT SOMEBODY ELSE, AND THENYOU CALL THEM BY THEIR OWN NAME?

- ACTUALLY I DID THATEARLIER TODAY.

IT WAS HILARIOUS.

- LAY IT UP, BLAAAAA--OH!

- YEP, THAT WAS WAY OVER.MY BAD.

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