I don't get jokes.
People tell me jokesall the time,
and I just don't get 'em.
It's weird, right,'cause I'm a writer.
I'm a comic.You'd think I'd get jokes,
but I don't.I don't get no jokes.
One time, a friend of minecalled me up
and asked me to help himwith something.
Like, I just didn't get it.You know, he called me up.
He was like, "Hey, Deon,can you help me with something?"
I was like, "Yeah."He was like, "All right.
What has a little dickand hangs down?"
I'm like, "I don't know."He was like, "A bat."
I was like,"Oh, okay."
Then he was like,"Now what has a big dick
and hangs up?"
I'm like, "I don't know."
Then he hung up the phone on me.
I was like, "Man,what happened to my signal?"
So I called him back.
I was like, "Hey, I don't knowwhat just happened to my phone,
but what was you saying?Say that again real quick."
He was like,"What has a little dick
and hangs down?"
I'm like, "A bat."
He like, "Now what hasa big dick and hangs up?"
I'm like, "I don't know."And then he hung up again.
So now I'm outside doingthese karate moves,
trying to find a frequencyon my phone.
"Yeah, it's me again.I'ma stay still while I got you.
But little-dick bat--I got that part.
Now what's after that?"
Hung up again.
I was like, "I hate AT&T."
I ended up texting him.
I was like,"What's after...
This motherfucker texts me back,
How you gonna hang upon a text message?
It's how I like to do--think real deep,
smoke something, lay back,let my mind take off.
I be thinking about stuffpeople don't know about,
people ain't eventhinking about.
Like for example,
why isn't there any B batteries?
Why there ain't no B batteries?
But they tripled up on the As.
What, the B standfor black battery?
Ain't no black batteriesaround here?
Nah, if there wasblack batteries,
I wouldn't use 'em.
They probablywould work sometimes.
Fuck y'all.That's hilarious.
Trying to beall pro-black in here.
"We don't talk that wayin D.C., Deon.
"You can go back to Chicagowith all your chitlin ways.
We don't do that here."
I get deep.
I'm a deep dude.
Here's another exampleof how deep I get.
Adam and Eve,they're the very first people
on the planet Earth, right?
- So I'm looking at a pictureof them the other day,
both of them naked,
and I notice they bothhad navels--
Who cut they umbilical cords?
I learned black peopledon't know a lot
of white actressesand actors at all.
Like, we knowall the old-school ones,
but we don't know noneof the new white celebrities
and actors and stuff.
If you wantblack people to know,
like, a new white celebrity,you got to tell us
what movie they was in
and what they did in the movie.
We don't know the nameslike--like, back in the day,
you used to knoweverybody names--
John Travolta,Harrison Ford.
We don't know nobody's name now.
You know, I usedto write for Conan.
I remember whena lot of people used to--
[cheers and applause]
Like, me writing for Conan,
all my friends used to loveto come to the show,
but they would never know whonone of the white guests was.
Like my friend would be like,
"Yo, D, I want to cometo the show today, man.
You got some tickets?"I'm like, "Yeah."
He'll be like,"Who you got on the show?"
"Oh, we got a good show today.
We got Christian Bale."
I'm like,"Christian Bale, Batman."
"What he do in Batman?"
"Bitch, he was Batman."
"Oh, okay, all right.
"Oh, yeah, that's my man.
"That's my man.
"That's my man.That's my man.
"Yeah, yeah, he cracks me up.
"No, he's not, bitch."
And there was a middle seatopen next to me.
I ain't want noneof them sitting there
talking to methe whole damn flight,
so I had to turnmy blackness up.
Oh, yeah, white people,that's something we do.
It's called managingyour blackness.
See, white people,y'all can be white all day long.
Black people can't be blackall day long.
Society don't play that.
It's messed up,
but we have to choosethroughout our day
when to be blackand when not to be.
That black dude you work with?
That ain't how he really act.
That is not the real James.
You go to a job interview,
you cut that black shit off.
You go in there like, "Uh, yes,
it behooves me to, uh..."
I don't even knowwhat the hell "behoove" mean,
but it feel like it go there,
So I ain't want none of themsitting next to me.
So I reached in my bag,pulled my baseball cap,
put it on sideways,put my sunglasses on,
put my headphones on,turned that shit up real loud.
I was like, "Kill these niggas,
"all these niggas.
Kill these niggas."
Didn't nobody sit next to me.
They were sitting oneach other laps
before they came to this seat.
Soon as they closed the doorand locked it,
I was like, "Hoo,"
took all that bullshit off
and pulled my Sudoku book out,and was like.
I had to come out here in D.C.and get it popping, baby.
[cheers and applause]
I had to, man, 'cause it'sObama's last year in office,
and I just wantedto come to Capitol Hill
and be close to somehistoric shit, you know?
And plus, we ain't gonna seeanother black president forever.
Oh, no, that's--that's over with.
that ain't nevergonna happen again.
All them back-to-backblack T-shirts you made,
you might as wellburn them motherfuckers.
You're not gonna see Obama
leaning against some otherblack dude back like...
That ain't happening.
Plus, I wantedto come out here
'cause D.C. got so manythick-ass women.
Y'all got somethick women here.
And it's not--it's notthat ordinary thick.
It's like unusually thick,
like a concerned thick.
I was walking around today.
Saw this girl, thickest--
thicker than a motherfucker,
thicker than cold peanut butter.
I'ma let that marinatefor a minute.
Cold peanut butterthick as hell.
You ever try to spreadcold peanut butter?
You'll tear your bread up.
You're like "Ehh-ah!
Give me another slice."