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Freemium Isn't Free

Stan is addicted to the new Terrance and Phillip mobile game. (21:30)

>> OH, HEY, KYLE.

KYLE, HANG ON A SEC.

>> HEY, JIMMY.

WHAT'S UP?

>> NOT MUCH.

I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE

YOU'VE HEARD THE F-F-FANTASTIC

NEWS.

THERE'S A NEW TERRANCE AND

PHILLIP MOBILE GAME, AND IT'S SO

AMAZING AND INCREDIBLY FUN.

>> OH, REALLY?

>> YEAH.

AND THE MOST UNBELIEVABLE PART.

-- IT'S TOTALLY FREE!

YOU SHOULD DOWNLOAD IT TO YOUR

PHONE RIGHT NOW.

I MEAN, COME ON.

IF IT'S FREE, WHY WOULDN'T YOU?

>> COOL.

THANKS, JIMMY.

WELL, I'LL CHECK IT OUT.

>> YOU BETCHA, PAL.

>> THE " TERRANCE & PHILLIP"

MOBILE GAME.

IN THIS GAME, YOU ARE TERRANCE

AND PHILLIP.

CAN YOU COLLECT ALL THE CANADIAN

COINS?

[ COIN JINGLES ]

THAT'S ONE COIN.

CAN YOU COLLECT MORE?

[ COINS JINGLING ]

YOU'VE COLLECTED 10 CANADIAN

COINS!

CONGRATULATIONS.

HEY, YOU'RE REALLY GOOD AT THIS,

GUY.

>> WHAT?

>> CONGRATULATIONS, KYLE.

>> WITH CANADA COINS, YOU CAN

BUY STUFF AND HELP TERRANCE AND

PHILLIP REBUILD CANADA.

RUN AROUND AND COLLECT MORE

COINS, OR BETTER YET, BUY THEM

IN BULK.

HOW MAN CANADIAN COINS WOULD YOU

LIKE TO BUY?

>> THIS IS STUPID.

>> WELL, IT'S JUST $.49 FOR THE

CHEAPEST ONE.

[ COINS JINGLE ]

>> YOU BOUGHT 200 CANADIAN COINS

FOR $.49!

YOU'RE AMAZING!

NOW USE THAT CANADOUGH TO HELP

REBUILD CANADA.

CLICK TO BUILD A HOSPITAL HERE.

[ BEEPS ]

[ FART! ]

[ SPARKLE! ]

>> YAY!

>> YAY!

>> IT'S STILL STUPID, AND NOW I

PAID $.49 FOR IT.

>> WHAT ARE YOU TWO BONERS

DOING?

>> WE'RE PLAYING THE "TERRANCE &

PHILLIP" FREEMIUM GAME.

>> I PLAYED THAT THING.

IT'S [BLEEP] DUMB.

I ENDED PAYING LIKE FIVE BUCKS.

>> WHO MAKES THIS CRAP?

>> [ French accent ] OH, IT'S

TEWIFFIC!

THAT'S $200,000 MORE AMERICAN IN

JUST ONE DAY.

>> WHERE IS THE ROOF ON THIS

THING?

[ DOORS OPEN ]

>> WHAT'S THE BIG IDEA MAKING A

MOBILE GAME WITHOUT OUR

APPROVAL?

>> OH, TERRANCE AND PHILLIP.

HOW ARE CANADA'S TWO FAVORITE

BUDDIES?

>> WHAT GIVES YOU THE RIGHT TO

MAKE A STUPID "TERRANCE &

PHILLIP" MOBILE GAME?

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

>> OH, I'M ONLY THE PRINCE OF

CANADA.

AND THIS HAPPENS TO BE THE

MINISTER OF MOBILE GAMING.

>> WE THOUGHT YOU WOULD BE

PLEASED WITH THE QUALITY OF THE

MOBILE GAME.

>> IT'S THE DUMBEST GAME EVER.

ALL YOU DO IS COLLECT AND SPEND

CANADOUGH.

>> EH, WE KNOW THE GAME'S NOT

GREAT.

BUT WHO CARES?

IT'S FREE!

>> BUT IT'S NOT FREE.

IF YOU CHARGE $.40 HERE AND $.50

THERE, THEN IT'S NOT FREE.

>> THEY SEE THROUGH THE CHARADE.

>> UH-OH.

YOU THINK SO?

>> I THINK THEY SEE THROUGH THE

CHARADE, YES.

>> I'M PRETTY SURE THEY CAN HEAR

US, TOO.

>> ALL RIGHT.

[BLEEP] IT.

YOU'VE SEEN THROUGH THE CHARADE,

SO YOU MIGHT AS WELL KNOW

EVERYTHING.

CHARADE UP!

[ BELL TOLLS ]

[ GEARS WHIRRING ]

ALLOW ME TO EXPLAIN THE SCIENCE

BEHIND MICRO-PAY FREEMIUM

GAMING.

FOR YEARS, THE CONCEPT BEHIND

GAMING WAS SIMPLE -- YOU PAY FOR

THE GAME, AND YOU ENJOY.

WITH MOBILE APPS, WE NOW HAVE

THE ABILITY TO MAKE GAMES THAT

ARE BORING AND STUPID, BUT IF

YOU PAY FOR INCENTIVES, YOU'RE

REWARDED.

>> FREEMIUM -- THE "MIUM" IS

LATIN FOR "NOT REALLY."

>> IT'S A SIMPLE CYCLE, AND

NEVER-ENDING LOOP BASED ON RPGs.

EXPLORE, COLLECT, SPEND,

IMPROVE.

BUT WHERE ARE THOSE JUST USE THE

CONCEPT OF X.P., OR EXPERIENCE

POINTS, WE'VE INTRODUCED THE

IDEA OF MICRO-PAYING WITH MONEY.

MONEY, MONEY, MONEY, MONEY,

MONEY, MONEY.

> IT'S WHAT EVERYONE IS DOING.

FREEMIUM GAMES ARE WHAT'S NOW,

AND IT'S ALL JUST A LOT OF

HARMLESS FUN.

>> YOU'RE IN BIG TROUBLE,

STANLEY.

CAN YOU EXPLAIN TO US HOW YOU

MANAGED TO SPEND $489 ON A

MOBILE APP?

>> I'M SORRY.

I DIDN'T REALIZE I SPENT THAT

MUCH.

>> YOU DIDN'T REALIZE?

WHAT ARE "CANADIAN COINS"?

>> YOU BUY CANADIAN COINS SO YOU

HAVE CANADOUGH.

>> STAN, JUST BECAUSE I MAKE A

GOOD LIVING WITH MY MUSIC

DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN BLOW IT ALL

ON CANADOUGH.

>> I'LL PAY YOU BACK FOR IT,

OKAY?

>> HOW?

>> I DON'T KNOW.

I'LL FIGURE IT OUT.

JESUS CHRIST.

>> CAN YOU BELIEVE HIM?

HE KNEW HOW MUCH HE WAS

SPENDING.

HE KNEW HE'D GET IN TROUBLE.

BUT IT DIDN'T MATTER.

I HATE TO SAY IT, BUT THIS IS A

LOT LIKE HIS GRANDPA.

>> WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

DAD'S ALWAYS HAS A GAMBLING

PROBLEM.

HE'S GOT TOTAL ADDICTION

TENDENCIES.

COULD HE HAVE SOMEHOW PASSED

THOSE DEMONS DOWN TO STAN?

>> WELL, AND YOU CERTAINLY HAVE

SOME OF THOSE PROBLEMS, TOO,

WITH DRINKING.

>> I HAD A PROBLEM, BUT I WAS

ABLE TO STOP.

NOW I ONLY DRINK GLUTEN-FREE

BEER AND WINE.

BUT WITH STAN, I THINK THERE'S

SOME DARKNESS INSIDE HIM THAT

DOESN'T ALLOW HIM TO STOP.

[ DRAMATIC CHORD PLAYS ]

>> AND SO, IN CONCLUSION, THE

SUCCESSFUL FREEMIUM GAME IS

BASED ON FIVE PRINCIPLES --

ENTICE THE PLAYER WITH A SIMPLE

GAME LOOP, USE LOTS OF FLASHING

"CHA-CHINGS" AND COMPLIMENTS TO

MAKE THE PLAYER FEEL GOOD ABOUT

THEMSELVES, TRAIN THE PLAYERS TO

SPEND YOUR FAKE CURRENCY, OFFER

THE PLAYERS WAY TO SPEND REAL

CURRENCY FOR YOUR FAKE CURRENCY

--

>> SO THEY'LL FORGET THEIR

SPENDING MONEY.

>> ...AND MAKE THE GAME ABOUT

WAITING, BUT LET THE PLAYER PAY

NOT TO WAIT.

IT'S A SURE-FIRE WAY TO MAKE

LOTS OF MONEY.

>> WE UNDERSTAND MICRO-PAYING,

BUT CAN'T THE GAME HIDDEN INSIDE

THE CHARADE JUST AT LEAST BE

FUN?

>> NO, NO!

IT HAS TO BE JUST BARELY FUN.

IF THE GAME WAS TOO FUN, THEN

THERE WOULD BE NO REASON TO

MICRO-PAY IN ORDER TO MAKE IT

MORE FUN.

>> WHAT'S THIS?

>> YOUR CHECKS, OF COURSE, FOR

$10 MILLION AMERICAN, EACH.

>> SO THIS IS -- EVERYONE IS

DOING THIS?

>> EVERYONE IS DOING IT.

>> IT'S JUST THE WAY THINGS ARE

GOING.

>> IT'S THE WAY THINGS ARE

GOING!

>> WELL, I GUESS IF EVERYONE'S

JUST PAYING $.40 AT A TIME, IT

CAN'T BE THAT BAD.

[ SPLAT! ]

[ COINS JINGLE ]

>> HEY, PHILLIP!

>> [ BABBLES ]

>> OH, HEY, GUYS.

[ FART! ]

[ SPARKLE! ]

>> YOU...MISSED SCHOOL TODAY?

>> YEAH, I JUST WASN'T FEELING

THE BEST.

>> DID YOU PLAY THE "TERRANCE &

PHILLIP" FREEMIUM GAME ALL DAY?

>> WELL, YEAH.

I WAS SICK IN BED.

WHAT ELSE WAS I GONNA DO?

>> HOW MUCH MONEY DID YOU

MICRO-PAY TODAY, STAN?

>> NOTHING.

DUDE, I BOUGHT LIKE $10 WORTH OF

CANADOUGH.

[ COINS JINGLE ]

BUT CHECK IT OUT.

I UNLOCKED A STADIUM IN TORONTO.

>> YOU SPENT $10 AND EIGHT HOURS

TO UNLOCK A STADIUM?

>> YOU GUYS, IS IT THAT MUCH

DUMBER THAN VIDEO GAMES YOU

PLAY?

>> YES.

[ FART! ]

[ SPARKLE! ]

>> IT'S JUST, LIKE, SOMETHING TO

KILL SOME TIME.

LIKE JIMMY SAID, IT'S A COOL WAY

TO ZONE OUT.

>> WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

JIMMY TOLD YOU ABOUT THIS GAME?

>> JIMMY TOLD ME ABOUT THIS

GAME.

>> KENNY, WHO TOLD YOU ABOUT

THIS GAME?

>> MRPH.

>> DUDE, WHAT --

>> ...THE --

>> ...FMPH?

>> PSST.

HEY, KID.

COME OVER HERE.

YEAH, COME ON OVER.

CHECK THIS OUT.

YOU LOOKING TO HAVE SOME FUN?

>> WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

>> THE "TERRANCE & PHILLIP"

MOBILE GAME.

ALL THE COOL KIDS ARE USING IT.

>> AW, I DON'T KNOW.

>> COME ON.

JUST TRY IT OUT.

YOU CAN BE TERRANCE, OR PHILLIP,

OR BOTH.

YOU CAN WALK AROUND AND COLLECT

CANADA CASH TO BUILD NEW STUFF.

IT'S THE PERFECT THING IF YOU'RE

BORED.

AND HONESTLY, THE BEST PART

ABOUT IT IS IT'S FREE.

I MEAN, COME ON.

WHY WOULDN'T YOU DOWNLOAD IT AND

JUST TRY IT OUT?

>> HEY, UH, JIMMY, CAN WE TALK?

>> WELL, SURE, FELLAS.

ANYWAY, BE SURE TO CHECK IT OUT,

KID.

>> DUDE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

>> JUST HANGING OUT.

WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?

>> YOU NEED TO STOP RECOMMENDING

THAT APP TO PEOPLE.

>> MRPH.

>> EVERYONE WE KNOW SAYS THEY

HEARD ABOUT IT FROM YOU.

>> I JUST THINK IT'S A FABULOUS

APP.

THAT'S ALL.

>> IT'S NOT A FABULOUS APP.

IT'S [BLEEP] STUPID.

>> LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING,

JIMMY.

WHAT HAPPENS ON LEVEL TWO AFTER

YOU GET THE ONTARIO NUGGET?

>> ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

I NEVER PLAYED IT.

I STAY AWAY FROM THE STUFF.

>> YOU JUST PUSH IT ON OTHER

PEOPLE?

>> THEY PAY ME TO!

>> WHO, JIMMY!

WHO PAYS YOU?!

>> YOU'VE BOTH DONE AN AMAZING

JOB.

NEW HOSPITALS, NEW

NEIGHBORHOODS, ALL FUNDED BY ONE

FREEMIUM GAME.

>> UH, LISTEN.

UH, WE'VE BEEN TALKING IT OVER,

AND WE REALLY AREN'T COMFORTABLE

WITH THIS FREEMIUM THING.

>> OH, WHAT IS THE MATTER?

>> IT SEEMS DISHONEST, AND WE

HAVE A BRAND TO PROTECT.

>> [ FARTS ]

>> [ LAUGHS ]

>> BUT JUST LOOK AT ALL THE

THINGS WE'RE GETTING TO BUILD.

SOON, CANADA WILL BE AS ADVANCED

AND DEVELOPED AS MICHIGAN.

>> WE'RE JUST WORRIED THAT SOME

PEOPLE WILL ABUSE THE GAME AND

START SPENDING MORE MONEY THAN

THEY CAN AFFORD.

>> OH, NO!

WELL, WE CERTAINLY WOULDN'T WANT

THAT.

[ GASPS ]

OH, I HAVE AN IDEA.

HOW ABOUT WE TAKE SOME OF THE

BILLIONS OF DOLLARS WE ARE

MAKING AND WE START A CAMPAIGN

TO TEACH EVERYONE TO PLAY THE

GAME IN MODERATION?

>> OH!

[ APPLAUDS ]

>> DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT

WOULD HELP?

>> OF COURSE!

THE ALCOHOL INDUSTRY DOES IT ALL

THE TIME.

[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> YOU.

FRIENDS.

FUN.

DRINK.

HOT GIRLS.

YOU'RE HOT.

DRINK MORE.

EXPENSIVE CARS.

ASS.

DRINK.

ASS.

MONEY.

YOU IN A TUXEDO.

THREESOMES.

VODKA.

PUSSY.

DRINK, DRINK, DRINK!

YOU!

DRINK!

VEGAS!

FUN!

PUSSY!

YOU IN A TUXEDO [BLEEP] THIS

GIRL.

VODKA!

DRINK, DRINK, DRINK!

DRINK IT ALL, YOU [BLEEP] PUSSY!

MORE TUXEDO!

MORE CARS!

MORE PUSSY!

MORE VODKA!

DRINK, DRINK, DRINK!

PLEASE DRINK RESPONSIBLY.

[ NATIVE AMERICAN CHANTING ]

>> COME ON.

THIS WAY, STAN.

I WANT YOU TO SEE THIS.

THERE YOU GO.

THAT'S YOUR GRANDPA.

HE SITS AT THAT SLOT MACHINE AND

MINDLESSLY DRAINS MONEY AWAY A

LITTLE BIT AT A TIME.

SOUND FAMILIAR?

ALL THE LITTLE SOUNDS AND LIGHTS

ARE CALCULATED TO KEEP HIM

SITTING AT THAT STUPID MACHINE.

COME ON, DAD.

WE'RE GOING HOME.

>> AH, GO AWAY.

>> DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'VE DONE

TO YOUR GRANDSON?

YOU'VE INFECTED HIM WITH YOUR

BULLSHIT!

>> WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

>> I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT

I WRONG WITH YOU TWO.

WHAT IS THE JOY THAT THIS STUFF

POSSIBLY BRINGS YOU?

>> IT'S JUST...

>> IT'S FUN.

>> YEAH, IT'S FUN.

>> IT'S NOT FUN!

YOU TWO HAVE DEMONS YOU'RE

TRYING TO COMPENSATE FOR.

>> WELL, WHAT ABOUT YOU?

YOU'RE HAVING A GLASS OF WINE.

>> I'M NOT HAVING A GLASS OF

WINE.

I'M HAVING SIX.

IT'S CALLED A TASTING, AND IT'S

CLASSY.

>> DAD, I'M NOT ADDICTED.

I CAN STOP.

I JUST LIKE PLAYING IT, BUT I

DON'T HAVE TO.

I'LL PROVE IT.

>> YEAH, AND IF HE STOPS, I'LL

STOP.

>> ALL RIGHT.

AND IF YOU TWO STOP, THEN WE

WON'T HAVE A PROBLEM ANYMORE.

HMM.

EARTHY, BOLD, HINT OF CHERRY

AFTER-TONES.

[ BURPS ]

>> IS IT MY RESPONSIBILITY WHAT

PEOPLE DECIDE TO DO WITH THEIR

F-F-FREE TIME?

I WAS JUST THE MIDDLEMAN.

PEOPLE WERE GOING TO LEARN ABOUT

THE GAME SOMEWHERE IF NOT FROM

ME.

I'M NOT THE ONE WHO MADE IT.

>> YOU ACCEPTED MONEY FROM THE

CANADIAN GOVERNMENT TO PUSH A

FREEMIUM GAME ON US.

WHY WOULD THEY DO THAT?

>> HOW DO YOU GET PEOPLE

ADDICTED TO CRACK?

YOU GIVE IT AWAY FOR FREE.

YOU GIVE AWAY A LITTLE TASTE,

AND THEN -- AND THEN SOME PEOPLE

CAN'T STOP THEMSELVES.

>> AND NOW STAN IS SO CONSUMED

BY THE SHIT BY YOU'VE BEEN

PUSHING THAT HE CAN'T EVEN SEE

THROUGH IT!

HOW COULD YOU SELL OUT YOUR

FRIENDS?!

>> I NEED THE MONEY, ALL RIGHT!

I DOWNLOADED YUM YUM SPARKLY GEM

FOREST BECAUSE IT WAS FREE.

I LOVED THE SPARKLING LITTLE

GEMS, THE SOUNDS THEY MADE WHEN

I GOT NEW ONES.

THEN I MADE MY FIRST IN-APP

PURCHASE.

BEFORE I KNEW IT, I HAD SPENT MY

ALLOWANCE, THEN MY BIRTHDAY

MONEY.

I LOST MY CRUTCHES!

>> YOU HAVE YOUR CRUTCHES.

>> IT'S A FIGURE OF SPEECH WITH

CRIPPLED PEOPLE.

WE'D SAY WE LOST AND ARM AND A

LEG, BUT THEY AIN'T WORTH MUCH.

>> THAT MAKES SENSE.

>> YOU'RE SAYING THESE GAMES DO

THIS ON PURPOSE?

>> WHY DO YOU THINK FREEMIUM

GAMES SEND YOU THOSE TEXT

NOTIFICATIONS WHEN YOU HAVEN'T

PLAYED IN A WHILE?

IT'S CALLED A TRIGGER --

A QUICK IMAGE TO TRIGGER THE

ADDICT'S BRAIN.

THEY KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THEY'RE

DOING.

>> [ SIGHS ]

[ CELLPHONE DINGS ]

>> HEY, BUDDY!

COME ON, GUY!

[ CELLPHONE DINGS ]

COME BACK, FWIEND.

YOU'VE GOT NEW BUDDIES, GUY.

[ CELLPHONE DINGS ]

WE'VE JUST GIVEN YOU 5,000

CANADIAN COINS.

ENJOY YOUR CANADOUGH.

>> FREE?

>> WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, STAN?

YOU SAID YOU STOPPED BUYING

CANADOUGH.

>> I DIDN'T THINK I SPENT THAT

MUCH.

I-I CLICKED ON A FEW MICROPAYS

AND IT JUST KIND OF ADDED UP.

>> $26,000?

DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY SONGS I

HAVE TO WRITE TO MAKE BACK THAT

MUCH MONEY?

>> ONE.

>> OH, IT'S JUST NOTHING TO YOU,

ISN'T IT?

>> NO.

NO, IT'S NOT.

>> YOU NEED TO REALIZE THAT YOU

HAVE SOMETHING IN YOUR BRAIN

THAT YOU SOMEHOW INHERITED FROM

YOUR GRANDPA THAT MAKES YOU ACT

THIS WAY, OKAY?

>> I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU CAN SAY

THAT WHEN YOU'RE STANDING HERE

CHUGGING BEER.

>> I AM NOT CHUGGING BEER.

I'M SAMPLING A FLIGHT OF

GLUTEN-FREE GERMAN LAGERS WITH A

FRENCH WINE PAIRING.

IT'S CALLED A SCHMORGESWEIN AND

IT'S ELEGANTLY CULTURAL.

[ CLINK! ]

[ GULPING ]

[ GLASS THUDS ]

[ BLOWS WHISTLE ]

[ DOORBELL RINGS ]

>> OKAY, I NEED HELP.

THERE IS SOMETHING DIFFERENT

ABOUT ME, YOU GUYS.

I KNOW THE GAME IS STUPID, AND

IT ACTUALLY ISN'T EVEN FUN

ANYMORE.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

>> FELLAS, COULD I HAVE A MINUTE

WITH STAN, PLEASE?

>> SURE.

COME ON, GUYS.

>> THIS IS MY FAULT, STAN.

I SHOULD HAVE NEVER TOLD YOU THE

GAME WAS F-F-F-FA-FANTASTIC.

>> IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

IT'S SOMETHING TO DO WITH MY

FAMILY.

IT'S LIKE A CURSE.

>> I KNOW THIS STUFF IS HARD TO

UNDERSTAND.

TRUST ME, I KNOW.

I'M AN ADDICT, TOO.

BUT I GOT HELP.

>> HOW?

>> WHAT ALL THE ADDICTION

PROGRAMS SAY IS TRUE -- YOU'VE

GOT TO REACH OUT TO A HIGHER

POWER, STAN.

YOU'VE GOT TO GET DOWN ON YOUR

KNEES AND YOU'VE GOT TO SAY, "I

HAVE A PROBLEM."

AND YOU'VE GOT TO ASK THAT

HIGHER POWER FOR HELP.

>> WE HAVE TO FIND A WAY TO GET

THE WORD OUT.

PEOPLE NEED TO KNOW PUSHERS ARE

BEING HIRED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF

PEOPLE WITH ADDICTION PROBLEMS.

THERE HAS TO BE A WAY WE CAN GET

TO THE NEWS COMPANY AND SNEAK IN

AND SOMEHOW BORROW THEIR TV

SIGNAL.

IF WE COULD DISGUISE OURSELVES

AS SOMETHING RIDICULOUS, THEN

MAYBE --

>> OKAY, IT'S DONE.

>> WHAT'S DONE?

>> THE WORD IS OUT.

"TERRANCE AND PHILLIP HIRE

PUSHERS TO MAKE MONEY OFF

ADDICTS."

I TWEETED IT.

IT'S TRENDING.

>> YOU SON OF A BITCH!

YOU PAID PUSHERS TO GET ADDICTS

HOOKED ON OUR FREEMIUM GAME?

>> YOU WHAT?

>> NOW, HOLD ON, TERRANCE AND

PHILLIP.

THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH

PROMOTING A MOBILE GAME.

>> BUT THERE'S SOMETHING VERY

WRONG WITH KNOWINGLY MAKING IT

APPEAL TO HUMAN WEAKNESSES!

>> YOU DIDN'T BUILD A MOBILE

GAME, YOU BUILT AN ADDICTION

MACHINE!

>> MINISTER OF MOBILE GAMING,

WHAT'S THIS ALL ABOOT?

>> ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

YOU'VE SEEN THROUGH THE CHARADE

AGAIN.

LET ME EXPLAIN HOW FREEMIUM

GAMES REALLY WORK.

[ BELL TOLLS ]

THE TRUTH IS, A VERY SMALL

PERCENTAGE OF PEOPLE WHO

DOWNLOAD FREEMIUM GAMES EVER PAY

ANYTHING FOR THEM.

IT'S ALL ABOOT FINDING THE

HEAVIEST USERS AND EXTRACTING

THE MOST AMOUNT OF CASH FROM

THEM.

THAT'S HOW YOU GET ADDICTS TO

PAY 200 BUCKS FOR A GAME THAT'S

NOT EVEN WORTH 40 CENTS.

>> BUT THEN ALL OUR PROFITS COME

FROM PEOPLE WITH PROBLEMS.

>> DON'T THINK ABOOT THAT.

THINK ABOUT ALL THE MONEY.

HERE, HAVE A BUMP OF COKE.

>> [ SNORTS ]

OKAY, BUT WE STILL WON'T STAND

FOR THIS.

>> I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'RE

LISTENING, BUT I GUESS I HAVE

SOMETHING INSIDE ME THAT I CAN'T

CONTROL.

IT'S SOMETHING KIND OF DARK.

PLEASE, HELP SHOW ME THE WAY.

>> YOU HAVE SUMMONED THE PRINCE

OF TEMPTATION FOR WHAT PURPOSE?

>> OH SHIT.

UH...I HAVE ADDICTION DEMONS AND

I DON'T UNDERSTAND THEM.

>> THEN ALLOW ME TO EXPLAIN THE

DARKNESS OF THE HUMAN SOUL.

SO, YOU'VE GOT DOPAMINE, RIGHT?

THAT'S THE CHEMICAL THAT GETS

RELEASED IN YOUR BRAIN WHENEVER

YOU DO SOMETHING PLEASURABLE

LIKE EATING, SEX.

AND THAT'S JUST NATURE, RIGHT,

LIKE, RABBITS AND FISH AND SHIT,

THEY NEED DOPAMINE SO THAT THEY

WANT TO CONSUME TO REPRODUCE.

>> OKAY.

>> BUT BECAUSE HUMANS HAVE

PROGRESSED AND NOW HAVE ACCESS

TO ALL THE SHIT THEY WANT

WHENEVER THEY WANT IT, IT'S EASY

FOR THEM TO OVERDO AND HAVE

DOPAMINE PROBLEMS.

YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT [BLEEP]

ROCKET SCIENCE, THIS STUFF.

>> SO THERE'S NOTHING

SPIRITUALLY WRONG WITH ME?

>> [BLEEP] NO.

IT'S LIKE -- OKAY, IT'S LIKE

BEING DIABETIC.

YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE YOU CAN EAT

WRONG AND EAT WRONG, AND

CHEMICALS GET RELEASED FROM YOUR

LIVER IN A WEIRD WAY.

YOU KNOW, YOU'VE BEEN EATING

GLUTEN AND SHIT.

AND THEN EVENTUALLY YOU'VE GOT A

CHEMICAL IMBALANCE FROM YOUR

LIVER.

AND SOMETHING CLICKED AND NOW

YOU'RE DIABETIC FOREVER, RIGHT?

SO, LIKE, IF YOU KEEP DOING

SOMETHING TOO MUCH, EVENTUALLY

THERE'S, UM, A DOPAMINE [BLEEP]

UP, RIGHT, AND YOU'RE KIND OF

SCREWED UP FOR LIFE.

>> SO WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

I CAN GET ADDICTED TO EVERYTHING

SO I CAN'T ENJOY ANYTHING?

>> YEAH, THAT'S PRETTY MUCH WHAT

IT MEANS.

>> THE ADDICT PEOPLE SAID

SOMETHING ABOUT ME FILLING A

HOLE.

>> WELL WHO'S NOT FILLING A

[BLEEP] HOLE, RIGHT?

YOU KNOW?

I MEAN, WHAT KIND OF BULLSHIT IS

THAT?

SO, LET'S TALK ABOUT GENETICS

NOW.

YOU STILL HAVE TIME?

>> YEAH, NO, THIS IS GREAT.

>> OKAY, LET ME GET SOME VISUAL

AIDS.

GIVE ME JUST A SEC.

>> HERE IS A FACT -- 80% OF

ALCOHOL SALES ARE PAID FOR BY

ALCOHOLICS.

USING SLOT MACHINE TACTICS,

FREEMIUMS GAMES ARE ABLE TO MAKE

MILLIONS OFF OF AN EVEN SMALLER

PERCENTAGE OF MOBILE GAMERS.

>> OH, GOD, HE JUST DOESN'T

STOP.

>> WHO IS THIS GUY?

>> WE'RE BUILDING A NEW CANADA

WITH MICROPAYMENTS FROM ADDICTS.

WHO CARES?

YOU THINK THE [BLEEP] ALCOHOL

INDUSTRY CARES?

THEY DON'T CARE THAT 10% ARE

GONNA GET ADDICTED.

THEY'RE COUNTING ON IT!

IT'S THE SAME WITH US.

BUT WE'VE GOT OUR EYES ON EVERY

ADDICT'S SCREEN.

EVERY BUTTON THEY CLICK, WE GET

FEEDBACK ON HOW TO SHOVE THIS

SHIT RIGHT DOWN THEIR THROATS.

>> WHY DOES HE SUDDENLY SOUND

LIKE AL PACINO IN "DEVIL'S

ADVOCATE"?!

>> OH, I'M MUCH WORSE THAN THE

DEVIL.

[ FLAP! FLAP! FLAP! ]

I'M THE CANADIAN DEVIL!

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

>> OH, DEAR GOD!

IT'S THE CANADIAN DEVIL!

>> BEELZABOOT!

>> YOU DISCOVERED MY PLAN, BUT

TOO LATE!

[ FART! ]

NOW THE SOULS OF ALL CANADIANS

BELONG TO ME!

>> OH, NO!

>> OH, WHAT HAVE I DONE?!

>> HEE HEE HEE! HA HA HA!

[ FART! ]

>> SO, BASICALLY, THE GENES YOU

GOT FROM YOUR DAD MAKE YOU MORE

LIKELY TO HAVE TROUBLE WITH, UM,

DOPAMINE REGULATION, AND THAT'S

WHY YOU NEED TO KIND OF WATCH

OUT FOR ADDICTIVE STUFF.

OKAY, SO, YOU KIND OF UNDERSTAND

NOW, CHAMP?

>> I GUESS SO.

BUT WHY DO COMPANIES HAVE TO PUT

SO MANY ADDICTIVE THINGS OUT

THERE?

>> YOU KNOW, THEY ALL DO IT, AND

IT'S KIND OF MY DEAL.

I'VE GOT TO PUT TEMPTATION OUT

THERE, TOO, SO PEOPLE HAVE FREE

WILL AND ALL THAT SHIT.

BUT, YOU KNOW, EVERYONE HAS

THEIR JUSTIFICATION AND THINKS

WHAT THEY'RE DOING IS OKAY.

[ CELLPHONE CHIMES ]

>> HEY, BUDDY, WHERE'D YOU GO?

DON'T YOU WANT MORE CANADOUGH?

>> WHAT'S THIS?

>> THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN

ADDICTED TO.

IT'S A FREEMIUM GAME SENDING ME

PUSH NOTIFICATIONS.

[ CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ CELLPHONE CHIMES ]

>> WHAT, YOU JUST COLLECT COINS?

[ COINS CLINKING ]

[ GAME WARBLES ]

>> HOW MUCH MONEY CAN YOU BUY

TODAY?

>> NO, SEE, IF SOMETHING'S

ADDICTIVE BECAUSE IT'S FUN,

THAT'S ONE THING.

BUT THIS IS JUST BLATANT SKINNER

BOX MANIPULATION.

WAIT A MINUTE, WHO PUT THIS OUT?

>> UH, CANADA.

>> OH, THAT SON OF A BITCH.

HE'S ALWAYS DOING THIS SHIT.

I TELL HIM TEMPTATION HAS TO BE

NUANCED, BUT HE GOES AND DOES

THIS CRAP AGAIN.

I'M GONNA NEED TO BORROW YOUR

SOUL REAL QUICK, KID.

IS THAT ALL RIGHT?

>> OKAY.

[ WHISSH! ]

AAAAAAAAAAAH!

[ TELEVISION BLARES ]

>> OH, PASS INTERFERENCE!

INTERFERENCE!

>> STAN?

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

>> [ Satan's voice ] I SHALL

RETURN.

DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP ME.

>> TOLD YA.

KID'S GOT DEMONS.

I DON'T DO THAT.

[ CROWD WAILING ]

>> HORROR AND SADNESS ALL OVER

CANADA TONIGHT.

WHEN THE PRINCE SIGNED THE

AGREEMENT TO MAKE A FREEMIUM

GAME, HE APPARENTLY MADE A DEAL

WITH THE CANADIAN DEVIL.

[ GLASS SHATTERS ]

>> HEY, GUY!

I'M THE CANADIAN DEVIL!

>> CANADIAN DEVIL NOW HAS

COMPLETE CONTROL OF THE SOULS OF

EVERY CANADIAN.

THIS IS A SAD DAY FOR CANADA

AND, THEREFORE, THE WORLD.

>> [ LAUGHING EVILLY ]

[ FART! ]

>> BEELZABOOT!

ONCE AGAIN, YOU LACK ANY SENSE

OF NUANCE.

>> WHO THE [BLEEP] IS THAT?

>> WELL, WELL.

MY OVER-ACHIEVING DOPPELGANGER.

YOU'RE NO MATCH FOR CANADIAN

SATAN!

>> RETURN FROM WHENCE YOU CAME!

[ FWOOSH! ]

>> AAAAH!

[ FWOOSH! ]

[ CROWD SCREAMING ]

[ FWOOSH! ]

[ FWOOSH! ]

>> CERTAINLY A SHOCKING TURN OF

EVENTS HERE AS THE ACTUAL DEVIL

HAS NOW APPEARED AND SEEMS TO BE

FIGHTING THE CANADIAN DEVIL.

THIS IS CERTAINLY A CONUNDRUM

FOR CANADIANS EVERYWHERE AS WE

TRY TO FIGURE OUT WHO TO ROOT

FOR.

FOR THAT, LET'S ASK THE MINISTER

OF SPORTS IN EDMONTON.

>> WELL, OF COURSE, THE

PATRIOTIC THING TO DO WOULD BE

TO ROOT FOR THE CANADIAN DEVIL.

BUT THEN AGAIN, HE IS THE ONE

WHO HAS PROMISED US PAIN AND

SERVITUDE FOR A MILLION YEARS.

>> SCREW THAT!

GO CANADA!

>> ENOUGH, BEELZABOOT.

THY END HAS COME!

[ FWOOSH! ]

[ PEOPLE SCREAMING ]

[ WHOOSH! ]

[ FWOOSH! ]

[ FWOOSH! ]

>> HEY, DUDE.

>> HEY.

>> YOU ALL RIGHT?

>> YEAH.

YEAH, I THINK I'M GONNA BE OKAY.

>> COOL.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> MY FELLOW CANADIANS, WHAT WE

DO NOW AS A COUNTRY WILL

HOPEFULLY BE A MODEL FOR OTHERS.

WE HAVE ALL LEARNED A TRAGIC

LESSON TOGETHER THAT, THOUGH

MANY SINS ARE OUT THERE, WHEN

YOU GET INVOLVED WITH FREEMIUM

GAMING, YOU ARE MAKING A DEAL

WITH THE CANADIAN DEVIL.

WE WILL NO LONGER MAKE FREEMIUM

GAMES, AND WE WILL NO LONGER

MAKE IMPROVEMENTS TO OUR COUNTRY

WITH MONEY TAKEN FROM ADDICTS.

CANADA IS BACK TO BEING AN

ETHICAL, RESPECTED, SHITTY

TUNDRA.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> I'M GONNA MOVE HERE AND HERE,

AND THEN I'M GONNA ROLL TO KILL

THIS ZOMBIE.

>> OKAY, GOOD IDEA.

>> WHAT ARE YOU GAYWODS DOING?

>> WE'RE PLAYING BOARD GAMES SO

THAT GRANDPA AVOIDS THE CASINO

AND I AVOID FREEMIUM APPS.

>> WELL, ALL RIGHT.

GOOD FOR YOU GUYS.

TELL YOU WHAT, I'LL JOIN YOU.

BOARD GAMES GO GOOD WITH A GLASS

OF WINE.

>> THAT'S NOT A GLASS, THAT'S A

TROPHY.

THAT YOU WON.

FOR DRINKING.

>> IT'S NOT "DRINKING."

IT'S CALLED A WHITE ZINFANDEL

SIPPING SPRINT AND IT'S

COMPETITIVE.

GET OFF YOUR HIGH [BLEEP] HORSE.

>> YOUR TURN, GRANDPA.

IF YOU ROLL A FIVE OR SIX, YOU

CAN KILL THESE ZOMBIES.

>> YOU GUYS WANT TO PUT SOME

MONEY ON IT?

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