- Thank you so muchfor coming to the show.
- Thanks for coming to the show.
Give it up forKumail's white T-shirt.
- Fuck you.- Give it up for it.
- What's wrong with this?- He's just like you guys.
A real blue-collar,middle-class...
♪ Like my blue jeansand my white T-shirt ♪
- No, these aren't blue jeans.These are Bonobos, motherfucker.
[laughter]I'm nothing like you.
Wha--what's wrongwith the shirt?
Seriously?- No, it's a great fitted...
attention-grabbing...- All I want is something
that won't make Jonahmake fun of me.
- Emily bought me a T-shirtthat had thumbs-ups on it,
and I was like, "No."- [laughs]
- Too big a swing.
Jonah can smell bloodin the water.
He's tasted human flesh,and it wants more.
- It does.
- He's making funof the shirt, Emily.
- It's great.I picked it.
- Did you also pick upthe jacket from last season?
Yeah, Kumail's dumb shirt.The hashtag for this episode
is #KumailsDumbShirt.- It's not dumb.
I really was like,"No big swings.
Just go for buntsand base hits."
I had to learn baseballto come up with that analogy.
- I'm a wrestling fan.Any other wrestling fans?
Like, not a lot, so...
the rest of you,fuck you and your fake sport.
I love wrestling.
We lost some key guyslast year in 2015.
We lost some crucial guys,some Hall of Famers,
We lost Rowdy Roddy Piper.
We lostthe Ultimate Warrior.
We lost Hulk Hogan...
And I don't know if you knowthe whole story
of why Hulk Hoganwas in the news last year,
but it turns outhe made a sex tape.
Oh, my God.
I want to fucking get in lineto never, ever see
the Hulk Hogan sex tape.
And duringthe Hulk Hogan sex tape
where the controversy arose,
is apparently he saysthe N-word a bunch
while he's having sexwith the lady.
He says the N-word.
Which, who hasn't hadsex, right?
It's super racist.
No, it's fucking not.
You're not doing it right,Hulkster.
And what I loveabout that story
is it was recordedfour years ago,
and we're just hearingabout it now,
proving my pointthat no one wanted to watch
the fucking Hulk Hogansex tape.
It was sittingon some wrestling nerd's
pile of shit to watchfor, like, four years.
"I made it throughall those 'Doctor Who's.
"That tooklonger than I thought.
"I guess I'll watchHulk Hogan fuck a lady.
Oh, my God!He's racist!"
And if you're surprisedHulk Hogan's racist,
you've never lookedat Hulk Hogan.
That dude looks racistfrom a long ways away.
'Cause that fucking mustacheis made of racism.
I bet if you watchthe sex tape--and don't,
but if you did,you'd find out it's not even
Hulkster being racist.
It's hisracist-talking mustache.
He was, like, having sexwith the lady
and his 'stache is like,"N-word. N-word. N-word."
He's like, "Brother,trying to have sex here."
"Should have shaved offmy talking, racist mustache
when I realized it hatedMexicans last year."
"Don't get me started."
I like "Monopoly"'cause you got a chance
to be, like,like, the 1%.
See what they live like.You know what I mean?
You could makeall this money and shit.
But I created something,you know what I mean?
For people in that lower class,that lower percent.
It's called "Nopoly," you know?
The hood edition.Look at that!
Almost like "Monopoly," but,you know, it's different.
You know what I mean?
You got Jail,but now they added Prison.
And instead of Free Parking,you go to Yo Mama House
'cause you always can kick itat your mama house.
Ain't no Community Chest
'cause ain't no communityin the hood.
It's every man for himself.
Got the top tenmost dangerous cities
to live inin the United States.
I'm gonna dosome rounds for y'all.
I need somebody.I need a volunteer.
You know what I mean?Come on up, brother.
Give this mana round of applause!
What's your name?- Josh.
- Josh?Nice to meet you, Josh.
Thank you for playing.
You get one die instead of somedice, 'cause in the hood,
you don't get many chancesto advance.
Now here's your character.
You're gonna bea nigga with a stick.
There right there.
And I'm gonna bea nigga with a stick.
Also, every time you roll,
you got to pick a chance card.- Okay.
- 'Cause when you from the hood,when you leave the house,
there's a chanceyou might not come back.
Let's do it!
Three!- Should I pick the card
and then do it,or move first?
- Move.Run! Run!
- "You were set upby the police,
go directly to jail."- Wow.
Welcome to the system,you know?
"You made a million dollarslegally."
- "But you didn't pay taxes,go directly to jail."
It's hard out here for pimp.
It's jail.Everybody get out of jail.
Detroit, Michigan.[exhales sharply]
- "You get out of jail,but you go back
because you're black."
This game is real,ain't it?
One, two, three,four, five.
"Bang!You got shot at a Bar Mitzvah."
"Shalom, nigga.You dead."
"You win."I win!