share

Puppy Dog Ice-T

A rescue dog becomes a bigger handful than expected, and Chris Brown makes amends with Rihanna. As for debate zingers, Luther came prepared. (21:14)

[Hail to the Chief plays]

- GOOD EVENING,MY FELLOW AMERICANS.

WITH ME, AS ALWAYS,IS MY ANGER TRANSLATOR, LUTHER.

- HI.- NOW, AFTER THE LAST DEBATE,

I WAS CRITICIZEDFOR NOT SHOWING ENOUGH EMOTION.

- I SHOULD'VE BEENON THAT STAGE!

OH, MY GOD! MITT!

IF I WAS A SIBERIAN TIGER,YOUR ASS WOULD'VE BEEN ROY!

STR-R-AIGHT UP!

- I WAS FAULTED FOR A LACKOF PITHY RETORTS

OR "ZINGERS."

BUT WE CAN DO BETTERTHAN THAT.

WITTY RESPONSESARE NOT GOING TO RESOLVE

THIS NATION'S DEFICIT.

- HOW YOU GONNA FIRE SESAME STREET?

ONE OF THOSE MOTHER[bleep]

ALREADY LIVESIN A TRASH CAN!

ZING.

- AND A ONE-LINERIS NOT GOING TO SOLVE

THE PROBLEMS WE HAVEWITH OUR TAX CODE,

WHICH MY OPPONENT

SEEMS TO HAVE ENTIRELYCHANGED HIS POSITION ON.

- THIS MOTHER[bleep] GETSMORE REBOOTS THAN SPIDER-MAN.

AND BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE.

- I LOOK FORWARD TO A DEBATE

BASED ON SUBSTANCE,NOT ON ZINGERS.

- I GOT A MORMON ZINGER.TAKE MY WIVES, PLEASE!

OHH-HO-HO, [bleep]!I SAID "WIVES."

- THANK YOU,AND GOOD NIGHT.

- THIS MESSAGE BROUGHT TO YOUBY THE LETTER "SUCK MY"

AND THE NUMBER "[bleep]."

both: OHH!

- [laughs]- SNAP, AMERICA.

SNAP, INDEED.

- HEY, BABE.- HI.

UM, I MADE A REALLY BIG DECISIONWITHOUT CONSULTING YOU.

I WENT BY A PUPPY RESCUE STANDON UNIVERSITY AVENUE.

I HAD TO. I HAD TO.

- YOU GOT US A DOG?- YEAH, I DID.

- OH, MY GOD!OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD!

- SO, HONEY, I'VE GOTTATELL YOU SOMETHING, OKAY?

- MM-HM.

- THESE RESCUE DOGS HAVEHAD SOME TOUGH SITUATIONS.

- OH.

- AND A LOT OF THEM TAKE ONTHE PERSONALITY OF THEIR OWNERS.

THIS DOG...- MM-HM.

- WAS OWNED BY RAPPER ICE-T.

ALL RIGHT, LITTLE BUDDY,COME ON OUT.

- AWW.

- [gasps]

- OH, HELLO,MY LITTLE DARLING.

OH!- MAN, [bleep] YOU.

YOU, SUCK MY [bleep].

THIS HOUSE AIN'T [bleep].

- OKAY, BUDDY, TAKE IT EASY.

- A LITTLE TESTY.- WHOA.

- [bleep] YOU, [bleep].

NOTHIN' EVER BEEN EASYFOR ME IN MY LIFE.

NOW HOOK ME UP WITH A TREAT.- YOU WANT A TREAT, BUDDY?

- YOU WANT A TREAT?- IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?

HERE WE GO, SWEETIE.HERE WE GO.

- MM, YEAH, THAT'SA TASTY-ASS TREAT RIGHT THERE.

NOW GIVE ME THE WHOLE BAG.- OKAY, ONE TREAT IS ENOUGH.

- BITCH, WAS I TALKING TO YOU?

GIVE ME THE WHOLE BAG OF TREATS'CAUSE I'M A TREAT KILLER

AND A MOTHER[bleep] HANDFUL.

- SOMEBODY'S GRUMPY TODAY.- GRUMPY-WUMPY.

- LAY MY ASS RIGHT UPON THIS COMFORTABLE-ASS SOFA.

- [laughs]

- I'M GONNA SLEEP ON THIS BITCHTOO, AS A MATTER OF FACT.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT,MOTHER[bleep] AND BITCH?

I'M GONNA PISS AND [bleep]UP HERE TOO.

- NO! OH, NO! NO, NO, NO!- [bleep] YOU, MAN.

RAISE YOUR HAND AT ME.

- OKAY, UM, I'VE GOTSOMETHING FOR YOU, LITTLE GUY.

HUH? HUH?YOU WANNA PLAY FETCH?

YOU WANNA PLAY FETCH?YOU LIKE FETCH, HUH?

- GET THAT BALL.- [bleep] YOU!

BOTH Y'ALL CONDESCENDINGMOTHER[bleep].

I AIN'T YOUR ENTERTAINMENT,BITCH.

SO [bleep] YOU![Dog barking at door]

- OH, WHAT'S THAT?- GET THE DOOR, OKAY?

UH...

- WELL, HELLO.WHO IS THIS?

- COME ON, COCOA, DON'T WORRYABOUT THESE MOTHER[bleep].

THAT'S MY BITCH COCOA.

OH, I FORGOT TO TELL Y'ALL,SHE'S GONNA BE LIVING HERE TOO.

- WOW, OKAY, YOU GOTYOUR LITTLE FRIEND HERE.

- YEAH.

- YEAH, WELL YOU CAN--SHECAN PLAY HERE FOR A WHILE, SURE.

- PUPPY PLAY DATE.- YEAH.

- PLAY DATE?WE GONNA HAVE A [bleep] DATE.

THAT'S WHATWE GONNA HAVE, BITCH.

COME HERE, BITCH.[sniffing]

[licking sounds]- OH, HE'S--

- ARE YOU--- OKAY, HE'S DOING THAT.

NO, NO, DON'T DO IT.- YEAH, THAT'S MY SHIH TZU.

- OH.- OH, DEAR.

- GET THE [bleep]OUT OF HERE!

IT'S ABOUT TO GET GRAPHICIN THIS BITCH!

- OH, BOY.- [licking sounds]

- HOW COME YOU DON'TDO THAT WITH ME?

- HONEY, I TOLD YOU.- HE DOES IT.

- I JUST WANTTO KEEP THIS AREA CLEAN.

- I JUST WANTTO KEEP THIS AREA CLEAN.

c music]

- ♪ BABY, BABY

♪ IT LOOKS LIKEWE'RE BACK TOGETHER ♪

♪ AND IT'S LIKENOTHING HAD EVER ♪

♪ TORN US APART

- ♪ HONEY, HONEY

♪ WE'LL LET BYGONESBE BYGONES ♪

♪ GONNA GETOUR SECOND TRY ON ♪

♪ GONNA HAVEA FRESH START ♪

- ♪ SO TONIGHTI'M GONNA HIT THAT ♪

♪ TONIGHT I'M GONNAHIT THAT, HIT THAT ♪

♪ TONIGHT I'M GONNA

♪ HIT THAT, HIT THAT,HIT THAT ♪

♪ AND DON'T TRYTO FIGHT BACK ♪

♪ YOUR FEELINGS

♪ SUGAR, SUGAR

♪ JUST GET INTO MY CAR

♪ AND I'LLTAKE YOU SO FAR ♪

♪ FROM WHERE ANYONE CAN SEE

- ♪ LOVER, LOVER

♪ LET'S JUST WALKAND TAKE IT SLOW ♪

♪ IN CROWDED PLACESSO THEY'LL KNOW ♪

♪ THAT YOU'RE BACK WITH ME

- ♪ SO TONIGHTI'M GONNA HIT THAT ♪

♪ TONIGHT I'M GONNAHIT THAT, HIT THAT ♪

♪ TONIGHT I'M GONNA HIT THAT

[buzzing, screaming]

- I'M SORRY.

IT WASAN INVOLUNTARY REACTION.

[buzzing]

- GMAIL IS WHAT I'M ON NOW.

THAT'S THE, UH--OKAY, YOU GOTTHE MOST SPACE FOR ATTACHMENTS.

ANYWAY...- THANK YOU.

- FEEL FREE TO HIT ME UPIF YOU REMEMBER THAT NUMBER.

I NOTICED YOU AIN'TWRITE THAT DOWN.

DAMN, DAMN, DAMN.THAT GIRL WAS FLY, RIGHT?

- [scoffs] SHE ALL RIGHT.

BUT DID YOU SEETHAT LIAM NEESONS MOVIE

WITH THEM WOLVES, THOUGH?

- THE ONE WITH THEM BIG-ASSWOLVES AND LIAM NEESONS IN IT?

- MAN, LIAM NEESONSIS MY [bleep]!

- OH, LIAM NEESONS STRAIGHTJACKED UP THEM WOLVES, MAN.

- MAN, HE [bleep]THEM WOLVES UP, MAN.

- YEAH.- SHOOT, MAN.

HEY, AND DON'T EVEN GET MESTARTED ON THAT ONE

WHERE THEY TOOKHIS DAUGHTER.

- [scoffs] "STRAIGHT TOOKEN,"STARRING LIAM NEESONS!

- MAN, LIAM NEESONSON THE PHONE LIKE,

"I HAVE A CERTAINSET OF SKILLS."

MAN, DON'T [bleep]WITH LIAM NEESONS!

- NO, DON'T EVEN TRY ANDBE RUSSIAN AROUND LIAM NEESONS.

HE'LL TAKE YOUR ARM AND...- [screams]

- PUT SOME FRACTURES UP IN THAT.- THEY KILLING HIM, MAN.

AND THEN--OH, YOU SEETHE SECOND ONE, THOUGH?

IN THE SECOND ONE,THE RUSSIANS COME AFTER HIM

AND HE [bleep] THEMALL UP ANYWAY.

- "TAKEN 2," STARRINGTHE INCOMPARABLE LIAM NEESONS.

- MM-HM. MM-HM.- THAT'S MY [bleep].

- WHAT ABOUT DARKMAN, THOUGH?- NO.

- WHAT ABOUT LIAM NEESONSIN SOME DARKMAN, THOUGH?

WHAT ABOUT DARKMAN, THOUGH?

- WHEN LIAM NEESONS' FACEWAS CHANGING UP, MAN?

- HOMIE WAS STRAIGHTFACE-CHANGING.

NOW THAT'S JUST LIAM NEESONSACTING RIGHT THERE, MAN.

- STRAIGHT UP, I KID YOU NOT.ACADEMY-AWARD CALIBER.

CLASSIC NEESONS.- MAN, COME ON, SERIOUSLY.

I MEAN, LIKE, NEESONSALREADY NEED TO HAVE A STATUE.

- LIAM NEESONS AIN'T GOT NO--- HE AIN'T GOT NO STATUE.

- HE--- HE AIN'T GOT A STATUE.

HE AIN'T GOT A STATUE.

- NO. NO. NO. NO.

THE OSCAR GOESTO LIAM NEESONS, DARKMAN.

[bleep] FACE WAS CHANGING!- MM-HM. WORD.

- HOW HARD IS THAT?- IT AIN'T HARD.

IT'S NOT HARD AT ALL.- DAMN!

- IT'S STUPID.- OH! OH! BATTLESHIP.

- OOOH!

- BATTLESHIP.

- OOOH!

- BATTLESHIP!

- OOOOH!

OOOOH!- BATTLESHIP!

- OOOOH! WHOO!

- LIAM NEESONS STRAIGHTKILLED A ROBOT BOAT!

- LIAM NEESONS IS MY SHIZNIT!- WHOO!

- BUT YOU KNOW WHO I LIKEAS MUCH AS NEESONS, THOUGH?

- [scoffs] AS MUCH AS NEESONS?- MM-HM.

- WHO?

- BRUCE WILLY.

- [screams]

[screaming continues]

BRUCE WILLY IS MY SHIT!

- BUT WHAT IFTHEY MADE A MOVIE

WITH LIAM NEESONSAND BRUCE WILLY?

[grunting]

- NEESONS AND WILLY?

- WILLY AND NEESONS.- HARDER MAN. HARDER!

- [grunting]

- [choking]THAT WOULD BE...

both: MY [bleep]!

[boom]

[laughter]

- MR. COOK, YOU'RE ALMOST UP.ARE YOU READY?

- GOOD. I'M GOOD.- OKAY.

REALLY GONNA NEED YOU TO STICKTO THE SCRIPT ON THIS ONE.

- I'M THE CEO OF APPLE,WILLIS.

I'M NOT GONNADO ANYTHING STUPID.

PLEASE STOP COMPARING METO STEVE JOBS.

- NO, BUT NOBODY'S COMPARING YOUTO STEVE JOBS, OKAY?

WE JUST WANT YOUTO FOCUS ON THE PRODUCTS

AND PLEASE STICKTO THE SCRIPT.

OKAY, YOU'RE ON IN THREE--

- THEY'RE GONNA FORGET THEY EVERHEARD THE NAME STEVE JOBS.

WHAT UP, APPLE PEOPLE?

[cheers and applause]

YEAH!

YEAH!

WELL, NOW THE FIRST THING

THAT I'M GONNA DOIS T.O.T.S.

THROW OUT THE SCRIPT.

[cheers and applause]

NOW, I'M SUPPOSED TO COME OUTHERE AND TELL YOU ABOUT SOME

BULL[bleep] NEW IPHONE, PAD,POD, DICK, PUSSY [bleep]!

YOU'VE SEEN IT![stammering] BORING!

[clattering]

[applause]

YES!

THAT'S EXACTLY IT.

NOW, LET'S JUST SAYTHIS TABLE RIGHT HERE--

LET'S SAY IT'S BILL GATES, HUH?[shouts]

[audience cheers]

YEAH!

[yelping]

[laughs]

THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!

AND LET'S SAY THAT THIS

IS OUR COMPETITOR'SNEW SMARTPHONE.

[audience boos]

HOW ABOUT THAT?HUH? WHAT?

[laughs]

[robot voice]I AM A MAJOR DONKEY DICK.

WHOO! RIGHT?

AND LET'S SAYTHAT THIS RIGHT HERE...

- HEY!

- THIS IS ONEOF OUR COMPETITOR'S

NEW E-BOOK READER, HUH?

WHAT ABOUT THAT?

WHAT? UH-OH.TUT-TUT.

WOOK'S WIKE WAIN!

HAAAA!

[cheers and applause]

WHOO! WHOO!

YEAH!

ALL RIGHT!

YES!

WHO WANTS TO SEE SOME OF THATCLASSIFIED NEXT-LEVEL [bleep]?

HUH?

DID STEVE EVER SHOW YOUTHAT CLASSIFIED [bleep]?

NO, HE DIDN'T.

- YOU CAN'T DO THAT.THEY HAVEN'T BEEN TESTED YET.

- THIS DEVICE WILL ALLOW YOUTO TELEPORT

ANYWHERE ON THE PLANET.

CHECK THIS OUT.

I AM THE FUTURE!

[beeps, buzzes]

[screams]

- [gasps]

- [screams]

- WHOO!

LET'S SEE STEVE JOBS DO THAT![laughs]

Loading...