share

Where No Fan Has Gone Before

The Planet Express crew is pitted against the cast of "Star Trek" in a battle to the death. (21:58)

Captioning sponsored by MTV TELEVISION NETWORKS

WILLIAM SHATNER'S HEAD: Shatner's log, airdate unknown.

The impossible has happened.

It would take days

to recount the eventsI've witnessed.

So, settle in.It all began...

Quiet, you! This court-martialis now in session.

The honorably sexyZapp Brannigan residing.

Bring in the accused.

( all gasp )

Oh, my.

Philip J. Fry,you stand accused

of traveling to the forbiddenplanet Omega Three

a crime punishable by12 concurrent death sentences.

Do you understand the charges?

One beep for "yes,"two beeps for "no."

( one beep )

Yes. So noted.Do you plead guilty?

( two beeps )

Double yes. Guilty!

I will now carry outthe sentence.

Kif, my gun.

Wait, he plead not guilty.

Order! Order in the court!

Very well, then, Mr. Fry

please recount the eventsthat led you to be guilty.

( many beeps )

LEELA: The Professor said he was taking a brief nap

so we only have timefor six movies.

Let's take these six Jim Carreymovies and record over them.

You know what six moviesaverage out to be really good?

The first six Star Trek movies.

( all gasps )

Everybody hit the deck!

Shh. Those words are forbidden.

What words? "Star Trek"?

( alarm whirring )

Shut your gills.Shh.

( siren blaring )

That sound--it's patrol car 718! Hide him!

( grunts )

( humming )

( beeping )

The court is intrigued.

Perhaps we could hear moreabout these forbidden words

from someone with a sexily

seductive voice.

With pleasure.

You see, the show was bannedafter the Star Trek Wars...

You mean the vast migrationof Star Wars fans?

No. That was the Star Wars Trek.

( whirring )

By the 23rd Century, Star Trek fandom

had evolved from a looseassociation of nerds

with skin problems

into a full-blown religion.

And Scotty beamed themto the Klingon ship

where they would beno tribble at all.

ALL:All power to the engines.

NICHOLS' HEAD: As country after country fell under its influence

world leaders became threatenedby the movement's power.

And so the Trekkies were executed

in the manner most befitting virgins.

He's dead, Jim.

He's dead, Jim.

He's dead, Jim.

WALTER KOENIG'S HEAD: Finally, the sacred texts were banned.

TAKEI'S HEAD: The last copies of the 79episodes and six movies

were dumped on the forbiddenworld Omega Three

along with that blooper reel

where the door doesn't close all the way.

( static )

Thus Star Trek was forever

scoured from human memory.

Another classicscience fiction show

canceled before its time.

( clicks tongue )

I've never heard of sucha brutal and shocking injustice

that I cared so little about.

Next witness?

Bender the robot,please take the stand.

She's all yours, buddy.

I had only metthe defendant, Fry, once

but I knew he was up to no good.

Please use the beeps.

Oh...

( beeping )

Mr. Nimoy...

I came as soon as I heardwhat happened centuries ago.

I can't believe your showwas banned.

I have absolutely no ideawhat you're talking about.

You know, 1966.

79 episodes--about 30 good ones.

Oh, really,I've done too many things

to remember one particularTV series.

But if you want to discussmy books of poetry...

Come on, remember that episodewhere you got high on spores

and smacked Kirk around?

No. Perhaps you're thinkingof my one-man show

about Vincent van Spock--

I mean van Gogh. Damn!

Ah-ha! You can't escape it.

( whimpers )

You're right. I can't.

( crying )

Uh... geez, don't get upset.

I mean, okay,I outwitted you, but...

No, it's my fellowcast members.

300 years ago theyleft Earth behind.

This planet doesn't appreciateus anymore, Leonard.

Bill, you are and alwaysshall be my friend.

But I just signeda six-month lease

on my apartment.

I can't walk away froma commitment like that.

Farewell, my friend.

( whirring )

( grunts )

( crying )

Oh, why did the world turn itsback on our obvious greatness?

I'm literally angry with rage.

Your costars may be gone

but we can still getthose episode tapes back

for the whole world to see.Come on.

( Nimoy grunts )

Yes! Front row.

( engine powering up )

You can't go to Omega Three.

It's forbidden.

I forbid you!

But we have to.

The world needs Star Trek

to give people hopefor the future.

But it's set 800 yearsin the past.

Yeah, why is thisso important to you?

'Cause it...it taught me so much.

Like, how you shouldaccept people

whether they be black, white,Klingon, or even female.

But most importantly,when I didn't have any friends

it may be feel like maybe I did.

Well, that istouchingly pathetic.

I guess I can't let yougo alone.

I'll go, too--

with Leonard'spermission,of course.

We're entering the Omega system.

( alarm blaring )

COMPUTER VOICE:Warning, you are nowin forbidden space.

Forbidden, shmer-shmidden.

What are they going to do,write a letter?

Ooh, I'm so scared.

I've lost control of the ship!

You lost control of the ship?

( terrified scream )

( gasps )

Oh, dip.

Dip indeed.

FRY:It's all stuff fromthat forbidden show.

So many cardboard sets.

So many memories.

If only the others...

SHATNER:I guess that's my cue.

Bill!

L-Dog.

Hey, this is wonderful.

Oh, man.

I feel like hugging you.

Well, I would exceptyou have no body.

And we're both men.

NIMOY:Nichelle! George!Walter! DeForest!

Welshy!

Welshy?

We did somemusical reunion specials

in the 2200s

but the guy who played Scottyhad trouble yodeling.

Ever since then, Welshy has beena welcome participant

in our escapades.

Aye.

( speaks Welsh )

I can't believe it.

How'd you allend up here?

We where on our wayto Welshy's cousin's house

to stay in the guest room

when our ship was pulled downto this planet and crashed

just like yours.

When we woke up,we had these bodies.

Say it in Russian.

( sighs )

Vhen ve voke up,ve had vhese wodies.

Ew! Now say "nuclear wessels."

No.

We love it here.

Everything is provided for usand we never age.

Check out these abs.

Yowza.

But who's doingall this for you?

You know,we never thought about it.

We're famous celebrities.

We're used to thissort of treatment.

BOOMING MALE VOICE:It is I!

( all gasp )

Whoa, what acheesy effect.

I'm not an effect!

You doubt my power?!

I do.

( thunder and whirring )

( scream of pain )

( all gasp )

( booming male voice laughs )

Welshy!

This court will now hearsome very sensual testimony

from this court's ex-lover,Turanga Leela.

Go ( beep ) yourself.

( beeping )

Behold another power

different from the oneyou saw earlier!

Hey, a body.

Buff, tan.

Yeah, this is mine, all right.

All right, you gas,what's the deal?

Centuries ago,the videotaped adventures

of the Enterprise crewrained down upon my planet.

Over and over, I watched them

especially the fivewith the energy beings.

I am Melvar!

Seer of the Tapes,Knower of the Episodes.

Tremble before my encyclopedicknowledge of Star Trek.

Tremble? I laugh.

Nobody knows moreabout Star Trek than me.

I beg to differ!

Long have I waited forthe one who played Spock.

At last, we can begin.

Cool! A Star Trekconvention!

Uh, Melvar

can you give us some idea

of how longthis is going to last?

Until time stops.

What?You can't do this!

Now, we havea full schedule of events...

Uh, can people who hate Star Trek leave?

Good question.

No, you have to stayeven longer.

( groaning )

( Nimoy snoring )

Uh, sign it to "Melvar."

Melvar has three L's.

I think I've doneenough conventions

to know howto spell "Melvar."

Say "nerd."

ALL:Nerd.

I'm Slim Shady.

Yes, I'm the real Shady.

All you other Slim Shadysare just imitating.

So, won't the real Slim Shady

please stand up?

Please stand up?

Please stand up.

How can you do

a spoken-wordversion ofa rap song?

He found a way.

For 100 quatloos

who did the Captain maroonon Ceti Alpha 5?

( shouting ):Khan!

( bell dinging )

Uh, Khan?

Correct.

My button has broken.

The trivia contesthas ended.

I now have a surprise.

You will performa fan script

written bythe ultimate Trek fan.

You have my fan script?

I meant me!

Melvar's the ultimate fan!

Oh. I was confused because

the scoreboard sayssomething different.

Trivia contest over!

Take your scripts!

We have limitedrehearsal time.

Now, I didn't make enoughcopies of the script

so George and Walterwill have to share.

Uh, you probablydon't want usto see you rehearsing

or it'll give awaythe ending.

That's right!

The endingmust not be ruined.

We'll go waitin the ship.

Okay.

Not till I get

my 600 quatloos...

This is wrong.

We shouldn't haveabandoned them there.

I don't know. I'm feelingpretty good about it.

I didn't want to leavethem either, Fry

but what werewe supposed to do?

Well, usually on the show

someone would come upwith a complicated plan

then explain itwith a simple analogy.

Hm, if we can rerouteengine power

through the primary weapons

and reconfigure themto Melvar's frequency

that should overload hiselectroquantum structure.

Like putting too much airin a balloon!

Of course!It's so simple!

( flatly ):Alas, my ship

whom I love like a woman

is disabled.

Oh, Lord.

Fascinating, Captain

and logical too,that we need some help.

Look, Captain,Melvar will help us.

"Keptin, I wopehe will welp our vessel."

Wessel!

( groans )

You're not acting hard enough.

Melvar, you have to respectyour actors.

When I directed Star Trek IV

I got a magnificent performanceout of Bill

because I respected him so much.

And when I directed Star Trek V

I got a magnificent performanceout of me

because I respected me so much.

Okay, I'm done reconfooblingthe energy-mo-tron

or whatever.

Fire!

( stiffly ):My, what a handsomeenergy creature you are.

I love you.

( yelling )

Hey, you wrote it.

It's not working.

He's drawing strengthfrom our weapons!

Like a balloonand something bad happens!

( angry roar )

( screaming )

Yup.

So, uh, how's rehearsal going?

Lousy.

Here I've been admiringa bunch of actors, while you

a crew of genuinespace heroes

risked your livesto save them.

Hey, we've doneheroic things, too.

Yeah.

In the third season,I kissed Shatner.

Silence!

My whole world is turnedupside-down.

I have but one option.

Keep themand let us go?

No!

To determine who ismore worthy

of my fanatical devotion

I shall pit you againsteach other in armed combat...

to the death!

Where'd you getan idiotic idealike that?

Episodes 19, 46, 56 and 77.

Great list.

Except you forgotepisode 66!

( laughs )

I was getting to that one!

( angry roar )

So Melvar ordereda battle to the death.

I assume no one survived?

( sighs )

Can we get on with this?

My foot's getting tired.

( beeping )

MELVAR:This will be your standardbattle to the death.

The only weapons:whatever you can find.

But I warn you:

do nothing till I have signaledthe start of combat.

Okay, start.

( all exclaim )

I don't have muchexperience at fighting

except with you guys.

I have an idea.

Wasn't there an episode

where I threw my shoeat the enemy?

You mean Doohan?

( both laugh )

Whoever it was,I did it like this.

Ow!

My foot's cold.

There. We can makethese into spears.

And we can tie thesecaterpillars together

to make bow stringsfor bows and arrows.

And we can use this machine gunand shoot them.

Yee-ha!

( clicking )

( laughs )

That was fun.

What if I distract themwith my famous fan dance?

Oh, that's good,good, good.

And then, George,you give them a karate chop.

I find that offensive.

Just because I'mof Japanese ancestry

you assume I know karate.

Have I ever led youto believe

I have studied karate?

Well, no, but you nevertalk about yourself.

Maybe if you showeda little interest.

Well, here goes nothing.

( screaming )

Hello, boys.

Whoa!

Hee-ya!

( groans )

( both gasp )

There's no right wayto hit a woman.

Then do it the wrong way.

Fine.

Hee-yo!

Is that all you got?

Hi-ya!( groans )

( karate yells )

( rapid yelling )

Take that!Come on, Walter!

( rapid yelling )

It hurts!

Let's see if thisactually works.

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Ah, my face!

My face, too!

May I?

Yee-ah!

MELVAR:Excellent! Excellent!

Leela, please,this is exactlywhat Melvar wants.

We're just pawnsin his diabolicalgame of checkers.

Can't we resolve our differencessome other way?

Melvar! Dinner time!

Oh, but Mom!

I'm playingwith my collectibles.

Now!

( groans )

All this time we thought

he was a powerful super being

yet he was just a child.

He's not a child.He's 34.

All right, Koenig

I've wanted to do thisfor years.

Bender, wait.

This is our chance to escapebefore Melvar comes back.

But we all needto work together.

( moaning )

I love it so much.

( Nimoy clears throat )

BENDER:Hello?

We've decidedto work together.

So did they.

Now, how do we escape?

We can't use our ship.

We have life-support,but the engines are wrecked.

Ironic, becauseour engines work

but our life-supportsystems don't.

Hey, if your engines work...

and your life-supportsystems work...

Stop! You're just going aroundin circles.

Think, Fry, think.

Everyone's depending on you.

( engines roaring )

( engines grinding )

We're too heavy.

You guys need to losesome weight, fast.

( hatch creaks )

( grunts )

( wheels squeaking )

Look, Leonard,we're light enoughto keep the tapes.

Isn't that great?

I'm livingin a gefilte fish jar.

We did it!

( all cheering )

( Melvar laughing )

( all yelling )

Melvar's got a spaceship.

Yes, in mint condition.

And you made me take itout of the package!

The Nimbus! We're saved!

You're under arrest.

Prepare to be boarded.

So I boarded you, huh?

What happened next?

You startedthis stupid court-martial.

Now, if you don't mind,we're still fighting Melvar.

( panting )

( all gasp )

One more hit and we're done for.

Let's take him out with us.

Do you guys havea self-destruct code

like destruct sequence1-A, 2-B, 3...?

Thanks a lot, Takei.

Now everybody knows.

If I can't have the originalcast of Star Trek, no one will!

Prepare to die.

Wait! If they meanthat much to you

why do you wantto kill them?

Because I... I...

I don't know what I'd dowithout them.

Melvar, you can't let a TV showbe your whole life.

You can do anything you want.

Look at Walter Koenig.

After Star Trek,he became an actor.

Not just an actor,but a well-rounded person

with my own friendsand credit cards and keys.

Well, I guess I could

move outof my parent's basement.

Maybe get a temp job.

Whoa, whoa. One step at a time.

I thank you, Fry.

You know, you and Iare of a kind.

In a different reality

I could have called you"friend."

Episode ten,"Balance of Terror."

More like episode nine, loser.

In your face.Victory is mine!

( laughs mockingly )

I wonder, my friends

was he really suchan evil energy gas?

He did give useternal youth.

24-hour Laundromat.

A fullassortment

of rum, bothspiced and regular.

Truly, it was a paradise.

And all you had to put up with

was one reallyannoying Star Trek fan.

Let's get the hell out of here.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBHaccess.wgbh.org

Loading...