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Wednesday, December 17, 2014

  • 12/17/2014
  • Views: 1,943

Alice Wetterlund, Mike Lawrence and Matt Braunger list white people obsessions, title lame Christmas songs and guess which ridiculous hashtags Nancy Grace actually used. (21:15)

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Chris: THIS IS PRETTY CRAZY.

IT'S WILDLY REPORT TODAY THATSONY PICTURES PULLED THE PLUG ON

THE CONTROVERSIAL FILM "THEINTERVIEW." THEY HAVE COMPLETELY

CANCELED NEXT WEEK'SPLANNED THEATRICAL RELEASE AFTER

TERRORIST THREATS WERE MADE BY AGROUP OF HACKERS.

UH, W.T.[BLEEP]?

HAVE WE ALREADY FORGOTTEN THELESSONS WE LEARNED FROM YOUR

FILM "WHITE HOUSE DOWN"?

WE DON NEGOTIATE WITHTERRORISTS.

SO, I GUESS WE DO.

I HAVE TO SAY THOUGH, IF YOUWERE GOING TO ENSURE MORE PEOPLE

WOULD SEE THE MOVIE TELL AMERICATHEY CAN'T SEE IT MORE PEOPLE

WILL WATCH IT ON VOD ORSOMETHING.

>> PEOPLE ARE GOING TO TRY ITNOW.

THEY'RE GOING TO BE LIKE,LISTEN, WE'RE GOING TO BE

WITHDRAWLING "PAUL BLARTH: MALLCOPS 2" OUT OF THEATERS.

AMERICA WILL STAND STRONG.

STAND STRONG.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> Chris: SO, ESENTIALLY, WE86ED THE FILM A WEEK BEFORE IT'S

SUPPOSED TO COME OUT.

I MEAN, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU COULDDO THAT.

BUT IT DOES GET YOU THINKING.

SO COMEDIANS, WHAT'S A FILM YOUWOULD LIKE TO SEE PULLED FROM

THEATERS AND WHY, ALICEWETTERLUND.

>> "47 MINUTES OF THE HOBBIT."

>> Chris: ALRIGHT.

POINTS TO ALICE, MIKE LAWERENCE.

>> "STAR WARS" IT'S UNFUNNY"SPACE BALLS"

I SAID IT! I SAID IT! THAT'SRIGHT!

>> GUYS, GUYS.

WE'RE -- OKAY WE'RE PULLING THENEW "STAR WARS" FROM THE

THEATERS NOW.

THE THREATS AGAINST MIKELAWRENCE ARE TOO STRONG.

WATCH IT ON YOUR LAPTOPS.

>> Chris: THE EMPIRE HASTHREATENED TO ATTACK A BUNCH OF

REBEL BASES WE HAVE TO PULL"STAR WARS."

>> YEAH. YOU KNOW WHAT REBELBASES MEAN.

APPLEBEE'S.

>> Chris: OVER THE PAST FEWMONTHS, YOU'VE PROBABLY NOTICED

A BUNCH OF YOUR FRIENDS TWEETINGABOUT SERIAL, A WILDLY POPULAR

EPISODIC TRUE CRIME POSTCASTTHAT ANALYZES A REAL LIFE MURDER

INVESTIGATION OF BALTIMOREDURING THE 90S.

AND ON A SPECTRUM OF THINGS THATWHITE PEOPLE LOVE, THE SERIAL

PODCAST IS BETWEEN THE LL BEANCATALOG AND PUMPKIN SPICE

CLARITIN.

WHITE PEOPLES' OBSESSION IS SOOUT OF HAND, THAT SOMEONE IS

TRYING TO RAISE MONEY FORANINTERACTIVE WAY EXONERATE

CONVICTED MURDERERS.

LOOK AT THIS.

>> YOU COLLABORATE WITH OTHERSACROSS THE WEB TO PIECE TOGETHER

THE EVIDENCE, SHARE THEORIES ONTHE CRIME AND HELP SOLVE THE

CASE.

>> Chris: LET ME JUST POINT OUTTHE FACT ANYONE WHO HAS TIME TO

DOWNLOAD AND USE THIS APP IS NOTSOMEONE YOU WANT TO TRY TO GET

YOU OUT OF PRISON.

[LAUGHING]

CROWDSOURCING CRIME DOESN'TREALLY ALWAYS PAY OFF THE WAY

THAT YOU WANT.

PEOPLE GET A LITTLE TOO EXCITED.

WHAT CAN BE WHITER THAN CROWDFINDING AN APP HELP TO HELP

CROWD-SOLVE A 15-YEAR-OLD MURDERFEATURED ON AN NPR PODCAST?

WHAT IS MORE WHITE THAN THAT?

THE ANSWER IS THIS.

TICK, TICK, TICK.

I THINK THAT CAT IS ALIVE.

I'M NOT A HUNDRED PERCENT SURE.

IT'S NOT REALLY --

>> HE'S LIKE I HAVE NEVER BEENMORE ALIVE.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.

SERIAL WAS SUCH A HIT THATPRODUCERS HAVE ANNOUNCED ANOTHER

SEASON THAT WILL FOCUS ON A NEWINVESTIGATION.

SO COMEDIANS, WHAT WILL WHITEPEOPLE OBSESS OVER IN SEASON

TWO? ALICE.

>> WHICH OF MY ROOMMATESFINISHED OFF MY ALMOND MILK.

>> Chris: HOW YOU GONNA FINDTHAT OUT? BRAUNGER.

>> WHO IS HIDING THE SECRET OFGOOD VEGAN BARBECUE.

YOU KNOW, THERE HAS TO BE SOMEOUT.

IT'S NOT TIME FOR TONIGHT'SHASHTAG WARS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

GET READY.

LET'S FACE IT.

IF YOU'RE WATCHING THE SHOW,YOUR'S PROBABLY ON SANTA'S

NAUGHTY LIST THIS YEAR.

STATISTICALLY, YOU'RE PROBABLYSTONED, UNEMPLOYED OR WAITING

IN CASE WE SHOW SOME EROTIC FANART.

WHICH WE HAVE DONE IT BEFOREAND WE'RE NOT ASHAMED, SO --

LET'S EMBRACE OUR PLACE AMONGSOCIETY'S AMORAL.

SANTA DON'T LIKE US AND WE DON'TCARE.

OUR HASHTAG IS#NAUGHTYLISTBECAUSE.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE: I CAN'TFINISH SEXUALLY UNLESS I'M IN A

BED BATH AND BEYOND.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Chris: LET'S PUT 60 SECONDSON THE CLOCK.

AND BEGIN.

ALICE.

>> I GET MY FRIENDS HIGH ANDTELL THEM THEIR PARENTS ARE

WORRIED ABOUT THEM.

>> Chris: AW, THAT'S ADORABLE.POINTS.

MIKE LAWRENCE.

>> I'M JEWISH AND THE BLOOD OFCHRIST WON'T WASH FROM MY HANDS.

>> Chris: NO.

BRAUNGER.

>> I MADE MY WRAPPING PAPER OUTOF DICK PIC PRINT OUTS.

>> Chris: YEAH, POINTS. POINTS.

MIKE.

>> I DESIGN JEFF DONEHAMPUPPETS.

>> Chris: YOU SON OF A BITCH,POINTS.

BRAUNGER.

>> I PULLED OFF THE TAG ON MYMATTRESS, THEN SET IT ON FIRE

WITH A PILE OF DEAD HOOKERS ONTOP.

>> Chris: OH. YEAH, THAT'S VERYNAUGHTY.

VERY NAUGHTY. POINTS.

MIKE.

>> I DRESS AS MEGATRON AND YELLAT MILLENIALS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

ALICE.

>> I CAST BEN AFFLECK AS BATMAN.

>> Chris: WHA --

MIKE LAWRENCE. SUPRESS YOURRAGE.

>> NO!

BRAUNGER.

>> I ONLY WEAR RICE PAPERCONDOMS.

FEELS BETTER.

BUT RIGHT NOW IT'S TIME TO PLAYWINTER BLUNDERLANDS.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> Chris: THERE ARE CERTAINCLASSIC SONGS THAT WE ASSOCIATE

WITH THIS MOST BLESSED SEASON.

BING CROSBY SINGING "WHITECHRISTMAS."

MARIAH CAREY'S "ALL I WANT FORCHRISTMAS IS YOU."

YOUR ALCOHOLIC UNCLE HAVING TOOMUCH EGGNOG AND COMPLAINING

ABOUT "THOSE PEOPLE."

WE SEARCHED YOUTUBE AND WE FOUNDSOME CHRISTMAS MUSIC THAT'S NOT

QUITE AS CLASSIC.

WE'RE GOING TO SHOW YOU A LESSERHOLIDAY TUNE AND FOR 250

POINTS YOU HAVE TO GIVE US ABETTER NAME FOR THE CHRISTMAS

CAROL.

FIRST ONE: THIS ONE A POPSENSATION FROM, I'M NOT KIDDING

YOU, TRANSYLVANIA.

♪ BOYS AND GIRLS AT CHRISTMASTIME ♪

♪ CHRISTMAS WILL DO DOWN TONIGHT♪

♪ WHO SAY, ME SAY, YOU SAYWHAT! ♪

>> ♪ BOYS AND GIRLS.

>> YA, I LIKE IT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Chris: BRAUNGER.

HAVE A MOLLY MOLLY CHRISTMAS.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Chris: FROM YO' DAWG VLAD THEIMPALER.

MIKE LAWRENCE.

>> I JUST BLEW A GUY NAMED NOEL.

[LAUGHING]

>> Chris: POINTS.

WAIT.

THAT'S YOUR SUBMISSION FOR THETITLE, RIGHT.

>> YEAH.

>> Chris: OKAY.

ALICE.

>> DO YOU HEAR WHAT I HEAR,SOMETHING THAT SUCKS.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS. POINTS.

ALRIGHT.

NEXT ONE.

THESE CELEBRATING UNCLES.

♪ PA RUMP A PUM PUM

♪ WHEN WE COME

>> Chris: YES, ALICE.

>> LITTLE DRUMMER MIDDLE AGEGUY.

>> Chris: YEAH, POINTS. YEP.

MIKE.

>> MISTLETOED THE WET SPROCKET.

>> Chris: NICE.

GOOD MATCH UP.

I'LL GIVE YOU POINTS, BUT I LIKETOAD THE WET SPROCKET, MIKE

LAWRENCE.

>> I FEEL THESE GUYS OWN A LOTOF FLEECE NAVIDAD.

>> Chris: YAY! THEY DO. WELLDONE.

>> I LOVE HOW MANY INSTRUMENTSTHEY FIT INTO, LIKE, A FOUR FOOT

AREA.>> SO MUCH.

>> THAT'S LIKE A FULL DRUM KIT.

>> Chris: BABY, I HAVE TO HAVEMY REHEARSAL SPACE.

YOU HAVEN'T HAD A JOB IN LIKE,SIX YEARS.

COME ON! WE'RE MAKING A DREAMHAPPEN.

>> HIDING BEHIND THE DRUMS.

IS SHE GONE? IS SHE GONE YET?

>> THEY JUST LOOK LIKE A BUNCHOF DEADBEAT FELIZ NIVIDADS.

>> Chris: HEY! POINTS.

ALRIGHT. NEXT ONE.

THIS LOVELY HENRIETTA AND MERNA.

♪GO TELL IS ON THE MOUNTAINS,OVER THE HILLS AND EVERYWHERE.♪

>> Chris: MATT.

[LAUGHING]

>> Chris: WAIT, ARE YOU ABOUT TOSAY YOU WOULD THREE WAY THEM.

BECAUSE I TOTALLY WOULD.

>> WHAT, NO.

THE TITLE OF THIS CHRISTMASCAROL IS BE STILL, FOR SOON

DEATH COMES.

>> Chris: POINTS.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> Chris: MIKE.

>> BEFORE AND SADDER.

>> Chris: POINTS.

ALICE.

>> OH HOLY [BEEP]

>> Chris: YEAH, POINTS.

POINTS.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> Chris: I THINK IS THE MOM OFTHE MIDDLE AGE GUYS FROM

THE PREVIOUS PICTURE.

>> I THINK SO SHE LOOKS GREAT.

THE AWESOME THING IS, ONE OFTHEM REQUESTED A MIC STAND.

LIKE, I NEED THIS.

>> Chris: I CAN'T GO, I CAN'T --

>> CAROL IS ALL CHRIS ROCK.

NO MIKE STAND AT ALL.

>> Chris: WHAT I ENVISION ON THEOTHER SIDE OF THE CAMERA IS A

GUY POINTING A GUN GOING YOUSING THE WHOLE [BEEP] SONG.

AND YOU FINISH IT.

AND YOU FILL ME WITH HOLIDAYCHEER.

AS WE MOVE ON TO OUR NEXT GAMENANCY GRACE UNDER PRESSURE.

NANCY GRACE UNDER PRESSURE.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> Chris: ON HER EPYNONMOUSHEADLINE NEWS SHOW NANCY GRACE

HAS A PERPETUAL SCOWL ANDPRESUMES PEOPLE GUILTY UNTIL

INNOCENT, ALL IN THE NAME OFSENSATIONALISM.

LOOK AT HER THERE JUDGING YOUWITH HER ARMS CROSSED.

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO? GETTOGETHER WITH YOUR BAND AND KEEP

PLAYING IN THE BASEMENT?

GET A JOB.

BUT HONEY -- THAT'S NANCYGRACE'S HUSBAND IN THE BASEMENT.

COME ON, YOU WORK FOR BOTH OFUS.

>> HE'S THE MOST MELLOW GUY INTHE WORLD.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOUR PROBLEMIS. COOL OUT.

>> Chris: OKAY.

SHE ALSO USES TASTELESS HASHAGSTO GET HORRIFIC NEWS STORIES TO

TREND ON HER TWITTER PAGE.

I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU TASTELESSHASHTAGS, AND FOR 250 POINTS,

YOU TELL ME WHICH ONE THISPANT-SUITED LEMUR ACTUALLY

TWEETED FROM HER VERIFIEDACCOUNT.

FIRST ONE UP:

HASHTAG #TEACHER3SOME OR#LIBRARIANSEXSLAVE.

MATT BRAUNGER.

>> UH. I GOTTA GO WITH HASHTAG#TEACHER3SOME.

>> Chris: ALRIGHT. LET'S FINDOUT.

YES.

TEACHER3SOME.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> Chris: WHAT! OH NANCY GRACEBREAKING OUT THE ALL CAPS WHEN

APPROPRIATE.

WHAT! NOT ANOTHER TEACHER!

>> SHE TWEETS LIKE SHE TALKS.

>> YOU HAVE TO READ THAT LIKESCOOBY DO.

AUTHORITIES SAY, ANOTHERTEACHER.

>> Chris: ALRIGHT. NEXT ONE.

HASHTAG #VICODINEGGROLLS OR#LSDSTEAK.

ALICE.

>> UM, I'M GONNA SAY LSD STEAK.

>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT.

HASHTAG #LSDSTEAK.

[ APPLAUSE ]

WHAT WOULD YOU DO, WHAT WOULDYOU DO.

AS WE GO TO NEXT GAME HASHBAD,HASHBAD.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THIS IS HASHTAG BREAKING.

ONE-TIME LEGIT NEWS SITE CNN DOTCOM POSTED A YEAR-END LSITICLE

CALLED 13 HASHTAGS THAT CHANGEDTHE WORLD IN 2014.

IT FOCUSED ON THE MORE NOBLESOCIAL MOVEMENTS OF THE YEAR,

LIKE YES ALL WOMEN OR ICE BUCKETCHALLEGE.

BUT WE COULDN'T HELP BUTNOTICE, CNN,YOU DIDN'T FORGOT

AND OF @MIDNIGHT'S GODDAMNHASHTAGS.

I MEAN,ARE YOU SAYING WEDID NOT CHANGE THE WORLD WITH

HASHTAG #POOPMOVIES OR#SCHLONGSONGS.

IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING, CNN?WELL, [BEEP] YOU.

HASHTAG #[BLEEP]YOU.

COMEDIANS, I WANT TO GIVE USMORE HASHTAGS YOU USED THIS YEAR

THAT DIDN'T CHANGE ANYTHING.

LET'S PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND GO.

ALICE.

>> ALRIGHT.

HASHTAG #YESALLLADIESATTHECLUB.

>> Chris: YEAH, POINTS.

MATT BRAUNG.

>> HASHTAG# RUMP-SHAKER-BED-BREAKER-AND-PROUD-DAD.

>> Chris: POINTS.

ALICE.

>> HASHTAG #ARABSPRINGBREAK.

>> Chris: HEY, POINTS.

MIKE LAWRECE.

>> HASHTAG #KIMJONGUNFRIENDME.

>> Chris: POINTS.

MATT.

>> HASHTAG#CHARLESISSTILLINCHARGE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

ALICE

>> HASHTAG #MICEBUCKETCHALLENGE.FOR CATS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

MIKE.

#NOTALLBEARDEDDUCKCALLERS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

ALICE.

>> HASHTAG #FOLLOWBACKTOMYLAYER.

>> Chris: POINTS.

MIKE LAWRENCE.

>> HASHTAG#OBAMACAREQUICKANDEASY.

>> Chris: OH. LIKE THAT HASHTAG.

MATT.

>> HAHTAG#GAYALLDAYFORPAYBUTNOTATNIGHT.

>> Chris: POINTS.

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