Thank you very much.
Thank you. Please...
Thank you very much.
Welcome to The Nightly Show.
I am Larry Wilmore.
Please, have a seat.Such a great crowd.
Libertarian candidatefor president
Governor Gary Johnsonwill be on the show later,
-so stick around for that.-(cheering, applause)
Ain't no partylike the third party
'cause the third party don't...
You guys don't...
All right...We pro... we probably
have to pay for that now, right?All right.
Uh, so, last night, HillaryClinton officially accepted
her party'sUnblackination nomination.
Which means it's timefor The Unblackening.
That still scares me every time.
But, man, kudosto Debbie Wasserman Schultz.
That lady put togethera great convention
that she couldn't attend becauseshe resigned in disgrace.
You did it, girl.You did it.
This thing was epic.
It was epic. No, really.
No, I mean, last nightthe Democrats ended
what I have to say was the bestRepublican convention ever.
Retired General John Allen.
America will defeat ISIS
and protect the homeland.
God says so much.
I worked in President Reagan'sWhite House.
Ronald Reagan.Ronald Reagan.
Ronald Reagan.Ronald Reagan.
Feel the ever-so-mild burn?
In fact, the DNCwas so Republican,
you even hada surprise appearance
by the Constitution itselfwhen Khizr Khan,
the father of fallenMuslim-American soldier
Humayun Khan,delivered one of the evening's
most memorable lines.
Donald Trump,you're asking Americans
to trust you with their future.
Have you even read
the United States Constitution?
I will gladly
lend you my copy.
Ooh. Wow, man.
If Khizr Khan didn't move you,then I don't know.
You must be the Republicannominee for president.
I mean, 'cause... I mean...
In fact, in fact,Khan's burn upset Trump so much
we actually have footageof his reaction.
It's true.We're not making that up.
Our cameras catch everything.
So, pretty mucheverything you heard
leading up to Hillary's speechwas something you would have
expected to hearat past GOP conventions.
Well, exceptthis kind of star power.
-MAN: Here's Katy Perry. -How you doing?
See, at a Republican conventionit would have been, "And now,
Gary Sinise andthe Lieutenant Dan Band."
Or maybe Scott Baio's new bandChachi and the Mariachis.
By the way, by the way,
look at this guyduring Katy Perry's performance.
♪ 'Cause I amthe champion, and... ♪
We don't evenhave a joke for that.
We just felt it wasour patriotic duty
to show it to you.
That was very strange.
And right before her big speech,
CNN's knightsof the pundit table
speculated onwhat Hillary needed to do.
She has to be herself.
Contrast herselfwith Donald Trump.
Thread the needleon policy a little bit.
Lay forth a plan for the future.
Appeal to independents.Try to appeal to Republicans.
No, sweat, man.All she has to do
is address her weak spots and hit Trump,
and reintroduce herself and appeal to Republicans
and progressives and independents,
and motorcycle jumpthrough a flaming hoop
over ten school buseswhile juggling chain saws,
and she'll do great.
-(cheering, applause)-She's gonna do great.
All right, so, Hillary Clinton
finally took her placein the spotlight alone.
Not as a motheror a president's wife,
but as the first woman to be onestep away from the Oval Office.
And so, my friends,
it is with humility,
determination,and boundless confidence
in America's promise
that I accept your nomination
for presidentof the United States.
That's history, man.
I mean, I don't care, evenif you hate Hillary Clinton,
seriously, there was no wayyou couldn't be riveted--
eyes like a raccoon...
Right? Just soaking upevery second of that history.
HILLARY CLINTON:It won't be easy or quick.
But make no mistake,we will prevail.
That was awkward.
Di... Did you see the expressionon Tim Kaine's face, right?
He's like, "Uh, seriously, Bill?
You've got to be(bleep) kidding me."
Oh, wait, it's Tim Kaine,
so he would say, "de verdad, Guillermo?
Me estas (bleep)."
Come on, Bill,your wife is giving
the most important speechof her life.
You're her husband. Remember?
You met a girl? Right?
You should be giving her yourfull attention, like this.
♪ 'Cause I am...
That's how you do it. Yeah.
that guy'spaying full attention.
Get him off, get him off.Please.
Thank you. All right.
So, after this historic speech,
um, we got to getsome nice unbiased
and non-sexist analysis.Take it away, Fox.
If she doesn't understand it,when you speak into a microphone
like that, there's such thingsas amplifiers and speakers,
and you're gonna be heard.
Makes you feel a little bitlike you've been called into
-the principal's office.-She's not gonna really have
a good voice, uh,next week after that speech.
She's not the best publicspeaker, and she gets louder
and louderand a little shrill and angry.
She has a not-so-attractivevoice.
A woman doesn't have to speakin a demure whisper
while she's telling you how sheplans to lead the free world.
At the end of two weeksof watching these conventions,
I have two takeaways.
One, life is meaninglessand we are all just carelessly
hurtling towards the void,so there's that.
And two, the nominationof Donald Trump,
much like the invasionof Pearl Harbor,
seems to have awakeneda sleeping giant.
Yeah, this felt likea Republican convention,
but only becausefor the past few decades
the Republicans have donesuch a great job
of hijacking patriotismand faith
and a sense of Americanexceptionalism.
And by the way,with the complicit aid
of the Democratic party,
who thought thatcriticizing things like
an unjust war in Vietnamor not wanting religion
to be a part of politicsmeant that
they had to turn the volume downon their love of country.
Look, both Democrats andRepublicans love their country.
But now, after a weekof listening to Mango Mussolini
saying America sucks,
the sleeping giantof Democratic patriotism
has been awakened.
We'll be right back.
Hillary's historic nominationbroke a long tradition
in politics, so we sentGrace Parra down to Philadelphia
to tell us aboutanother tradition in politics
that doesn't seemto have changed a bit.
Let's take a look.
-♪ -A woman for president.
PARRA: In Philadelphia this week,
Democrats were all about empowering women.
-Standing up for women...-Women...
-All the women...-(cheering and applause)
But Donna Brazile wasn't the only lady dancing
for Democrats this week,
because where did Hillary delegates go
after a long day of shattering glass ceilings?
That's why I had to go to a Philadelphia strip club
to root out this disturbing trend.
Have you guys seena lot of business this week,
-maybe more businessthan usual? -Absolutely.
About, uh, five to six timesour normal business.
This is Zach. Believe it or not,
he isn't the United States Secretary of Agriculture.
He is the manager of a Philly strip club
which is seeing much larger crowds
while the DNC is in town.
Now, is this strictly becausethey're Democrats?
Or you think Republicansare also, uh, as horny?
Uh, they're politicians,and everybody's horny.
Do you thinkthere is something hypocritical
about supporting a womanas president
but then also comingto a strip club?
I don't really seehow the two are related.
A lot more politicianscomin' in this week,
-right?-Tons of politicians,
-and I'm ready for that moneyto come in. -Mm-hmm.
These dancers claim to be excited for the tips,
but something in the way they Cloroxed bodily fluids
off that pole told me they want to clean up
the Democratic Party's sexist hypocrisy
and its disgusting sexual fetishes.
Feet is a pretty big fetish.
-Politicians like feet?-Yes.
Yes. Sweaty feet, usually.
I have a customer
who will pay at least $1,000
for you to poop on him.
Is his name Newt Gingrich?
And Philadelphia isn't even America's fetish capital.
D.C. is known mostly
for their torture chambersfor politicians.
-What? -Yeah.A lot of high-end politicians,
businessmen, too,like to get tortured.
And that's what excites them
and that's what keeps them goingevery day.
I mean, D.C. in and of itselfis kind of a torture chamber.
-Yeah. Uh, but at least this way-It's very meta.
they-they releaseall their power
to someone else torturing them
instead of themtorturing everybody else.
Great point, Zach. But just how sleazy
do politicians get with their reckless spending?
Some customers liketo have financial domination,
meaning they give girlscomplete control
over their bank accounts.That's what excites 'em.
It's not sexualbut it excites them,
and who's to sayanything is wrong with that?
Why have I not met one singleman in my life like that?
Because that sound awesome.
Huh. Zach got me thinking about the difference
between these two age-old professions.
So which do you thinkis a smarter career path
for young women,politics or stripping?
You can at least drink and lieand not get in trouble about it.
-Right. -And these entertainersare strong, independent women.
-They live by themselves,mostly. -Yeah.
Um, they provide for theirfamilies or for themselves.
They put themselvesthrough school.
And they're not doinganything illegal.
So maybe strip clubs don't demean women
as much as I thought.
Because if stripping sets women back,
Zach would never say it's a better career path
Which professionwould you feel more comfortable
with your daughtersgetting into,
-politics or stripping?-Ooh.
Uh, probably politics.
Wow, Zach changed his positions quicker than Hillary.
But based on my week in Philadelphia,
I realized strip clubs and political conventions
aren't so different.
They both attract huge crowds,
they both trade in dirty secrets,
and they both bring in that sweet, sweet money.
(cheering and applause)
Thanks, Grace!We'll be right back
with Libertarianpresidential candidate
Governor Gary Johnsonright after this!
(cheering and applause)
All right, welcome back!
Conventions are over.Republicans had their week.
Democrats had their week.
But many peopleare still left undecided.
So here to tell uswhy the third party's the party
we should all be atis the Libertarian candidate,
Governor Gary Johnson.
(cheering and applause)
-Have a seat. -Thank you,thank you, thank you.
Very nice. Very nice,uh, welcome there, Gary.
What is libertarianism?
And is libertarianismas kooky as Libertarians?
You know what I'm saying, right?
-I do, I do.-No, you know what I mean. Okay.
Spell it out for us.What exactly is libertarianism?
Well, I think libertarianismdoes reflect
most people in this country:
keep government out of my, um...
out of my pocketbook,out of my bedroom;
let's stop withthese military interventions;
uh, let's bring the worldtogether
with free trade and diplomacy.
Look, don't use force
unless-unless forcehas been applied to you.
Uh-huh. So it's, uh,get out of the bedroom,
get out of the wars...
-Get out of my pocketbook.-Get out of your pocket.
What do you get into?
L-Liberty and freedom.
Always come downon the side of choice,
that we as individuals shouldalways be able to make choices
in our livesas long as those choices
-don't adversely affect others.-Right.
What do you thinkare the three biggest issues
that we're facing right now?
And asthe Libertarian candidate,
how do you proposeto address those issues?
Well, government is too big.
It takes too much money, uh,out of our pocketbooks.
-So, lower taxes, balancing...-Now, does lower taxes itself
-reduce the size of government?I mean, -No, it...
that just reduces the abilityof government to do the (bleep)
it's ineffectively doingright now, right?
-(cheering and applause)-So...
-I-I think you hit on it.-Yeah.
Do any of us believethat government is running
-on all eight cylinders? No.-Right.
So we're-we're headedto a fiscal cliff
if we don't addresssome really big issues,
-and that's gonna bethe entitlements. -Mm-hmm.
And, look, we can can do thiseffectively.
We can still createa si... a safety net.
Nobody goes without.
-But, you know, that'sissue number one. -Mm-hmm.
Issue number two, just liberty,freedom, personal freedom--
a woman's right to choose,marriage equality.
Let's-let's legalize marijuana.
-Um...-(cheering and applause)
A lot of people like that, yeah.
Legalize marijuana seems to bea big deal with Libertarians.
Why do you think the weed voteis so important?
Well, it-it hasn't...
-it hasn't amounted to anything,uh, to-to this point. -Uh-huh.
Is it a growing constituency?
It's a growing constituency.
Would you like to see marijuanalegal all around the country?
I would. And I thinkCalifornia's gonna vote to do it
-in, uh, November, and I reallythink -It's on the ballot,
-that's gonna bethe tipping point. -right?
How much... how much weeddo you smoke a day?
Um, what was it,
ten weeks ago,somebody asked me,
"When was the last timeyou consumed marijuana?"
-"Consumed." I have an aversionto-to smoking. -I understand.
Yeah. There are many... They'regiving you the opportunity
to express the many differentavenues by which it enters
-your system, right?-Well, right.
So, ten weeks ago, that-thatquestion was answered by
-"Two days ago." But, uh,I-I don't think... -Uh-huh.
I don't think that you shouldshow up on the job impaired.
-And running for president isa 24... -Would you be high
-as president?-No, I wouldn't be.
-Be honest. Don't you lie to me.-Yes.
-No. If you... if you...-But, seriously...
but how awesome would that beif one day, you know,
-they're waiting for you inthe rose garden, you know, -Hey.
and it's, like,a half an hour late, you know,
and they cut to you in the...in the West Wing, you're like,
Never, ever late, Larry.
-Uh-huh.-And, uh... and, look,
-the job of president is 24/7.-Right.
So I don't want to be on the jobimpaired.
-I've made that pledge.-Yes. Uh...
It's good. Good.
No, go ahead.
Well, tell the truth and youdon't have to remember anything.
-Correct. Yes.-Yeah. Don't need to remember...
Or you just make a lotof (bleep) up,
and nobody, nobody can follow itand all of a sudden,
you're at the head ofthe Republican ticket, right?
-Yeah, there you go.-(cheers and applause)
Who do you think...
Who do you think is driving theenergy for a third party more,
Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton?
I think, I think it's equal.
-And keep in mind...-Really, you think it's equal?
-Oh, definitely, definitely.-Really?
The two most polarizing figures,arguably, ever,
-and then 43...-Oh, the way you said that,
you like that, too.
Well, no,it's gotten to that point.
I-I don't, I don't like it.
I don't think any of us like it.
I think that's reflectedin the fact that right now
everybody that goesto register to vote,
50% of everybody that goesto register to vote now
is saying they're independent.
Well, well, where is thatrepresentation?
Just, just pose to you:
Hillary on one side,Trump on the other side.
It's going to be worsethan ever!
What if you had a coupleof, uh, former governors,
Libertarians in the middle,just reaching out to both sides?
-Hiring Democratsand Republicans, -Yeah.
and reaching out and saying,"Hey, come on, come on!
Come. Let's come togetheron these issues."
Which-which scenario...I don't know.
Which scenario mightwork the best?
Well, do you think you...who do you think would have
a chance of grabbing more of,like the Republican crumbs,
I guess, cast-offs, or the...
I don't know if there'sany "Feel the Berns,"
you know, embers, that are goingto blow their way
over to Libertarianism,do you think?
I think it's going to be equally
-from both sides, and...-You think so?
Well, yeah, uh, we wouldn't bedoing this if there weren't...
Aren't there more Republicansor Libertarians than Democrats?
No, uh, really,it's a 50-50 split.
-Uh-huh.-It really is.
And we wouldn't be doing this
if there weren'tthe opportunity to win,
but to win we got to beat 15% in the polls
and I think that's goingto actually transpire.
There's a chance you can bein the debates, right?
-Very much so. Yes.-Right.
-Do you think it's goingto happen? -Yeah, I do. I do.
What do you, what do you needto do to make that happen?
Being on this show is goingto push it to 17, I think.
-Hey, you never know.-Thank you, thank you.
-You never know.-Thank you.
-Yeah, I do. I think so.-That would be awesome.
I want to show a clip from...you guys had your convention,
-was it in June?-End of May.
End of May. End of May in June.
Let's just show a little clip
and I want to ask youa question.
My lions of liberty...!
(convention audience cheering)
It looks like you guysare having a lot of fun.
What is your messageto America, Gary?
This is your chance.Go for it.
I think that smaller governmentreally is important.
When government triesto accomplish things,
it takes too much.
It costs too much.
And that takes money out of yourand my pocketbook...
...and you I should be able
to make choicesin our lives regarding
our own lives,as long as we don't put
other people in harm's way.
And let's stop these wars.
How long are we going to beat war with Afghanistan?
There you have it!
Governor Gary Johnson.
And he left out the weed!
He left out the marijuana.
We'll be right back.
All right, welcome back.
I'm here withGovernor Gary Johnson,
and it's time for the gamewe like to call Keep it 100.
Keep it 100.
Okay, uh, Governor Johnson,here's how it works.
I'm going to ask you a question.
You have to keep your answer100% real.
If you do,you get a nice little sticker.
If not, we're going to have tothrow some weak tea at you.
And that tea...
This is not what you thinkit is, all right?
You can't smoke it,all right?
That's all I'm saying.
This is very easy.This is an easy one for you.
Of the two major candidates,
Donald Trumpand Hillary Clinton--
no... this is castingno aspersion on you, okay--
do you think... which one do youthink has done the most drugs...
and which one needs to do some?
Keep it 100.
I'm going to, I'm going to takeTrump at his word
-that he's never done drugs...-You believe him.
or alco... I-I do.
I believe him about the alcohol,
but you believe himabout the drugs.
Um, I do. Yeah.
-Uh, that she has donemore drugs. -Mm-hmm.
-But who needs to do drugs?-Mm-hmm.
-Trump needs to do drugs?-(cheering and applause)
That's pretty good.
He answered it prettystraight forward.
I have to give him 100for that, right?
All right.Thanks for being here.
Governor Gary Johnson.
And thanks for watching.
Good night, everyone.
Thank you, Governor.
-You kept it 100.-(cheers and applause)
MAN: Ooh, sorry.