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Extended - Thursday, May 14, 2015 - Uncensored

  • 05/14/2015
  • views: 20,364

Mamrie Hart, Flula Borg and Rove McManus write naughty Dr. Seuss books, describe #VegasIn5Words and list routines for achieving a dad bod on this extended, uncensored episode. (33:26)

>> HARDWICK: IT IS 11:59 AND 59SECONDS.

THIS HAPPENED ON REDDIT TODAY.

LOOK, EVERYONE KNOWS YOURFRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD

SPIDER-MAN.

HE'S BEEN IN COMICS, HE'S BEENIN CARTOONS, HE'S BEEN MCGWIRE'D

AND GARFIELDED, HE'S GONELATINO, HE'S BEEN MAIMED ON

BROADWAY TO THE MUSIC OF U2.

WE ALL THOUGHT THERE WERE NO NEWANGLES TO OUR FAVORITE WEB

SLINGER, UNTIL, THAT IS, AREDDITER NAMED FUDDLE POSTED THE

FOLLOWING VIDEO-- TO QUOTE THEIRCAPTION: NOTHING ABOUT THIS TOY

MAKES SENSE.

(THEME FROM BEVERLY HILLS COPPLAYING)

(CHEERING)>> YEP. YEAH.

>> LOVE THAT.

LOVE THAT! GO WITH THAT.

>> HARDWICK: AH, YES, OF COURSE,THE CLASSIC "SPIDER-MAN WHO

TURNS INTO A RAVE LIGHT SET TOTHE THEME FROM BEVERLY HILLS

COP" FOR THE COMPLETIST.

AND NOW YOU KNOW REDDIT CAMETHROUGH WITH THE POSTER

TREATMENT.

OF COURSE-- GET ME PICTURES OFSPIDER-MAN ON MOLLY!

(APPLAUSE)>> BRAVO, INTERNET.

>> HARDWICK: I FOR ONE REALLYENJOY THIS NEW SPIDER-MAN.

HE HAS THE PROPORTIONATESTRENGTH AND SPEED OF A VEGAS

NIGHTCLUB.

SO, COMEDIANS, FORGET GREATRESPONSIBILITY-- IF WE'RE

TALKING ABOUT THIS RAVE SLINGER,WITH GREAT POWER COMES WHAT?

MAMRIE HART.

>> WITH GREAT POWER COMES GREATDESIRE TO DRY-HUMP THE CARPET

FOR HOURS.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)>> HARDWICK: YOU GOT TO BE...

YOU GOT TO BE VERY CAREFUL,YOU'RE GONNA GET STICKY WEB

EVERYWHERE IF YOU DO THAT.

>> EW, NASTY.

(LAUGHTER, GROANING)UH, FLULA BORG.

>> WITH GREAT POWER COMES MY CATFREAKIN' OUT!

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: ROVE. ROVE MCMANUS.

>> WITH GREAT POWER COMES GREATABILITY TO INDUCE SEIZURES.

>> HARDWICK: YES.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

(CHEERING, WHOOPING)WELL, IT'S ALMOST SUMMER, BUT

YOU WOULDN'T KNOW IT IN MOST OFTHE GODDAMN COUNTRY, 'CAUSE IT'S

SO COLD.

UH, NO, CLIMATE'S FINE.

UH, IT'S ALMOST SUMMER, AND HIGHSCHOOL GRADUATION IS JUST AROUND

THE CORNER.

THE TRADITIONAL GIFT FORGRADUATES IS THE DR. SEUSS

CLASSIC, OH, THE PLACES YOU'LLGO!

NOW... MAYBE THIS IS A LITTLETMI, BUT I ALWAYS THOUGHT THE

BOOK WAS ONE OF THE GOODDOCTOR'S SEXIER STORIES.

AND IF YOU DON'T AGREE WITHTHIS, WATCH THIS VIDEO OF

PORNOGRAPHY STARS READING IT,AND THEN WE'LL SEE WHO THE

WEIRDO IS!

>> "SHOULD YOU TURN LEFT ORRIGHT, OR RIGHT AND THREE

QUARTERS, OR MAYBE NOT QUITE?">> "OR GO AROUND BACK AND SNEAK

IN FROM BEHIND?">> HARDWICK: OH!

(LAUGHTER)AND THEN THE GRINCH'S PENIS

SWELLED THREE SIZES!

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)SEE?

SEE? TOO NASTY!

COMEDIANS, WHAT'S A TITLE FOR ASUPER SEXY NEW DR. SEUSS BOOK?

MAMRIE HART.

>> HORTON HEARS A SPEW.

>> HARDWICK: YES.

OH, MY GOD, IF YOU'RE HEARING ASPEW, YOU SHOULD GO TO THE

DOCTOR.

>> VERY INTENSE.

>> HARDWICK: YOU SHOULD NOT...

>> HE HAS KEEN EARS, BUT COMEON.

>> HARDWICK: I WISH IT MADENOISE, THEN I WOULDN'T HAVE TO

GO "PEW, PEW, PEW!" ALL THETIME.

(LAUGHTER)>> YOU, TOO? YOU, TOO?

>> HARDWICK: YES. YEAH.

(WHOOPING)UH, FLULA.

>> THE WHOR-AX.

>> HARDWICK: YES. POINTS.

>> OH, BEAUTIFUL.

CLEAN, COOL AND CRISP.

>> THANK YOU.

>> HARDWICK: ROVE.

>> ONE FISH, TWO FISH, RED FISH,BLUE BALLS.

>> HARDWICK: YES.

POINTS.

>> DO YOU THINK THAT'S THE MOSTREADING ANY OF THEM HAVE EVER

DONE?

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: I DON'T KNOW.

NOW I JUST CAN'T STOP THINKINGABOUT, UH, ONE IN THE RED FISH,

TWO IN THE BLUE FISH.

(LAUGHTER)>> HERE'S ONE... HERE'S ONE...

HERE'S ONE TO NOT GO ON THETELEVISION.

>> HARDWICK: SURE.

>> ONE FISH, TWO FISH, I BETTERWASH MY FINGERS.

>> HARDWICK: YES.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

>> YEAH, I'LL-I'LL GO.

>> HARDWICK: BY THE WAY...

BY THE WAY, ROVE, THAT ISDEFINITELY GOING ON THE

TELEVISION.

>> I WENT TO DO THE COMEDYWALK-OFF...

>> HARDWICK: AND THERE'S NOWHERETO GO.

>> ...AND ACTUALLY HIT A WALL.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH. YEAH, YEAH,YEAH.

THAT'S HOW WE... THAT'S HOW WETRAP YOU FUCKERS IN HERE.

YOU CAN'T GET OUT.

>> THERE IS A SOLID WALL.

WHOEVER'S ON TOMORROW, THERE'S ASOLID WALL RIGHT THERE.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, MOVING

ON.

LET'S FACE IT, BREAKING UP ISVERY HARD TO DO... I GUESS--

I'VE NEVER BROKEN UP WITHANYONE.

(LAUGHTER)I'M TOLD IT'S VERY HARD TO DO TO

ME.

UH, I FIND THE BEST WAY TO DEALWITH IT IS TO SUCK IT UP AND

JUST SPIT IT RIGHT OUT, I GUESS.

UH, SO I'M GONNA TRY THIS, I'MGONNA TRY THIS.

HERE WE GO. (CLEARS THROAT)PAULA DEEN, IT'S OVER.

>> AW...

>> HARDWICK: WE WERE NEVER MORETHAN JUST FUCK BUDDIES.

GOD, THAT FELT SO GOOD.

THAT FELT SO GOOD.

>> WHY IS SHE SQUATTING?

>> HARDWICK: I FUCKED HERTHROUGH THE WAFFLES.

(LAUGHTER)JUST...

>> YEAH, WHERE DID THOSEPANCAKES COME FROM?

>> HARDWICK: WHAT'S WRONG WITHDOING A LITTLE REVERSE COWGIRL

WAFFLE DISH?

>> I KNOW, RIGHT?

>> FLULA, SHE'S GOT YOUR FIJIWATER IN THE BACK.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)>> I'M ASKING HER OUT TOMORROW.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: UNFORTUNATELY, NOT

EVERYONE IS AS BRAVE AND MATUREAS I AM.

LUCKILY FOR THE COWARDS OF THEWORLD, THERE'S A NEW AUSTRALIAN

SERVICE.

AH? THESE ARE YOUR PEOPLE, ROVE!

>> IT'S WHAT WE DO!

>> HARDWICK: YES.

THEN YOU'RE PROBABLY AWARETHERE'S A SERVICE CALLED SORRY,

IT'S OVER...

>> YES.

>> HARDWICK: ...WHICH WILL BREAKUP WITH YOUR BF OR GF FOR YOU...

(AUSTRALIAN ACCENT): WITH PRICESSTARTING AT JUST FIVE DOLLARS!

>> THAT IS RACIST, THAT ISRACIST.

>> HARDWICK: NO! NO!

>> OFFENDED.

>> SHOULD IT BE TEN DOLLARS?

>> HIS ACCENT IS JUST A MOCKERY.

>> HARDWICK: OH, LOOK AT ME, I'MAUSTRALIAN.

>> IT'S TRUE!

IT'S SO TRUE!

IT'S TRUE.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)AND NOW I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH

YOU.

I GET IT. IT'S SO... (GRUNTS)>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, TAKE OUT

YOUR POUCH.

(LAUGHTER)I'M ABOUT TO...

I'M ABOUT TO GET MY... I'M ABOUTTO GET MY HAND STINKY IN YOUR

POUCH.

(LAUGHTER)UM...

(LAUGHTER)>> I WAS JUST THINKING, I WAS

JUST THINKING OF ANOTHER DR.SEUSS BOOK.

>> HARDWICK: WHICH ONE?

>> THERE'S A WOCKET IN MYPOCKET...

ALSO A PENIS.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: WAIT A MINUTE.

IS IT SOMEONE ELSE'S PENIS?

WHY IS IT IN YOUR POCKET?

WHY DO YOU HAVE A WEIRD,DISEMBODIED PENIS IN YOUR

POCKET?

>> I JUST FOUND IT.

I JUST FOUND IT!

I WENT TO GET MY JACKET FROM THECLOAKROOM...

>> THAT HAPPENED TO MEYESTERDAY, TOO.

>> I KNOW.

THAT'S WHY YOU HAVE A BAG,CHRIS.

>> HARDWICK: YES.

>> THAT'S WHY YOU HAVE A FANNYPACK.

>> HARDWICK: OH, YEAH, ALSO,WHEN YOU SAY-- "FANNY" MEANS

SOMETHING DIFFERENT INAUSTRALIA.

>> "FANNY" MEANS YOUR FRONT BUM,LADIES.

>> HARDWICK: YES!

>> VAGINA. IT MEANS VAGINA.

>> OH, VAGINA.

>> OH, I LIKE THE WAY YOU SAYIT, WITH AN F.

>> FAGINA.

>> YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: FAGINA.

>> FAGINA!

(LAUGHTER)>> HOW DO YOU SAY IT?

>> VAG...

>> OOCH. OUCH.

>> VAGI... VAGINA.

>> FOR THE FIRST TIME, GERMAN ISTHE SEXIER LANGUAGE.

>> YEAH. FOR REAL.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

FINALLY.

>> HARDWICK: WELL, CLEARLY, THISBREAKUP THING IS A GROWING

INDUSTRY, SO, COMEDIANS, BREAKUP WITH SOMEONE ON BEHALF OF

SOMEONE ELSE. MAMRIE.

>> UH, I'D SAY IT'S NOT YOU, BUTCOME ON, YOU HAVE A HOTMAIL

ACCOUNT. IT'S EMBARRASSING.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

FLULA.

>> LOOK, TINA, HE'S SEEINGSOMEONE ELSE.

ME, ACTUALLY.

HE'S SO DREAMY.

WE MET AT A BAR, I SAID, "WHATDO YOU DO?"

HE SAYS, "I WORK FOR A BREAKUPCOMPANY."

I SAID, "WHAT A CO-INKY-DINKY!">> HARDWICK: POINTS.

ROVE.

>> UM... WELL, ACTUALLY, SINCETHIS IS AN AUSTRALIAN CREATION,

MAY I DO IT IN MY MOTHER TONGUE?

>> HARDWICK: PLEASE.

>> EW, I DON'T WANT TO KNOWABOUT YOUR MOTHER'S TONGUE.

(LAUGHTER)>> SHE'S GENTLE-- SHE KNOWS...

>> OKAY.

(LAUGHTER)>> OKAY. GUYS, THINK ABOUT IT.

YOU THOUGHT ABOUT IT?

DON'T THINK ABOUT IT.

(CLEARS THROAT)HONEST TRUTH, MATE, THIS SURELY

RECKONS YOU WENT FROM BEING ABIT OF A TOP SORT TO A

FULL-BLOWN DINKY DIE DRONGO!

WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS, ADINGO STOLE YOUR LADY.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT. POINTS.

(LAUGHTER, WHOOPING)>> THANK YOU.

>> THAT WORKS.

>> WOW.

>> HARDWICK: YOU CAN JUST GO,"THAT'S NOT A WIFE.

THAT'S A WIFE!"(LAUGHTER)

>> AGAIN, I WILL HAVE SEX WITHYOU RIGHT NOW.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'SHASHTAG WARS!

(CHEERING, WHOOPING)TOMORROW IS THE 110TH

ANNIVERSARY OF THE FOUNDING OFLAS VEGAS, OR JIZZNEYLAND, AS I

CALL IT.

(LAUGHTER)A POPULAR TOURIST ATTRACTION FOR

THOSE WHO ENJOY HOLDING INBUFFET FARTS WHILE WATCHING

DANCING GYPSIES SUSPENDED FROMCEILINGS.

IN HONOR OF THIS MOST STORIEDDEN OF INIQUITY, TONIGHT'S

HASHTAG IS: VEGASIN5WORDS.

VEGASIN5WORDS.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE: FINE, BUTTHAT'LL COST EXTRA, OR, UH,

CHUMLEE JUST SOLD ME WEED.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK, AND BEGIN.

ROVE.

>> THAT STRIPPER REALLY LIKEDME.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

MAMRIE.

>> ORDERED WHITE RUSSIAN,MARRIED HER.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

MAMRIE.

>> POSSIBLY PREGNANT BY WHITETIGER.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

FLULA.

>> VOMITED BREAKFAST INTOCAESAR'S FOUNTAIN.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

ROVE.

>> HEY, THAT WEDDING RING'S NEW.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

FLULA.

>> MOST FANNY PACKS PER CAPITA.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(LAUGHTER)YES. MAMRIE.

>> DID A BELLAGIO FOUNTAINENEMA.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(LAUGHTER)OH, IT WAS THE MOST MUSICAL

ENEMA ANYONE'S EVER DONE!

FLULA.

>> INTERCOURSE'D JEFF DUNHAM ANDPEANUT.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(LAUGHTER)MAMRIE.

>> ACCIDENTALLY MARRIED A POLICEHORSE.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

AND YOU GOT PREGNANT BY A WHITETIGER.

>> BUSY DAY.

>> IT WAS A WEEKEND, GUYS.

>> HARDWICK: SO THIS TIGERBABY'S GONNA COME OUT, AND THE

HORSE IS GONNA BE LIKE, "WHOSEFUCKIN' BABY IS THAT!

(LAUGHTER)WHOSE FUCKIN' BABY IS THAT!"

>> UH-HUH.

>> HARDWICK: "DID YOU FUCK THATMAGICIAN?!"

>> AND I WILL SAY NAY.

>> HARDWICK: NAY.

(LAUGHTER, CHEERING, WHOOPING,APPLAUSE)

>> HARDWICK: A HUNDRED POINTSFOR MAMRIE HART FOR THAT.

NOW IT'S TIME TO PLAYEUROPE BE CRAZY.

THE EUROVISION SONG CONTEST IS ATELEVISED TALENT SHOW THAT TAKES

THE GOOFIEST OF CONTINENTS BYSTORM EVERY YEAR.

IT'S SORT OF LIKE AMERICAN IDOL,UH, BUT WITH SETS AND COSTUMES

THAT LOOK LIKE THEY WEREDESIGNED BY A HIGH SCHOOL DRAMA

TEACHER ON MUSHROOMS.

SO WE'RE GONNA SHOW YOU A CRAZYNUG FROM THEIR ARCHIVES, AND,

FOR 250 POINTS, YOU NAME THEAWARD THEY GOT FROM THE

EUROVISION JUDGES, ALL RIGHT?

FIRST UP, FIRST UP, THESE FERALPUNK ROCKERS.

(SINGING RAPIDLY IN ESTONIAN)>> WHAT?

>> HARDWICK: NOW, BEFORE ANYONESAYS ANYTHING, I WANT YOU TO

KNOW I LIKE THIS UNIRONICALLY.

UH... SO WHAT AWARD DID THEYWIN?

(BELL DINGS)ROVE.

>> UH, MOST LIKELY TO BE PUTDOWN IF NOT ADOPTED.

HAIRY.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

FLULA?

>> LEAST HAIRY EUROPEANS.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

HE CAN SAY THAT.

MAMRIE.

>> EASIEST TO MASTURBATE TO.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY. POINTS.

>> OOH, THAT'S VERY TRUE.

>> ACTUALLY, I AGREE.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

YOU CAN ALMOST SEE THAT PUPPY'SLIPSTICK RIGHT THERE.

>> AW.

>> OH! OH!

THAT GOT ME GOOD, CHRIS.

YOWCH!

>> DID YOU SAY THAT WAS APUPPY'S LIPSTICK?

>> HARDWICK: YES. I DID.

>> I'M JUST...

I'M ONLY JUST NOW SEEING THATTHEIR NA... IS THEIR NAME WINNY

PUHH-PUHH?

>> HARDWICK: YEAH. YEAH.

>> WINNY PUHH.

>> WINNY PUHH.

>> PUHH.

>> WINNY PUHH. THAT MAKES...

>> HARDWICK: YOU KNOW, WITHTHEIR HIT SONG "MEIECUNDIMEES

üKS KORSAKOV LäKS EILE LaTTI."

POSTED BY THE INCOMPARABLE EESTIRAHVUSRINGHäaLING.

DOUB... THAT'S DOUBLE?

USUALLY ONE OF THOSE THROWS MEOFF BUT FUCKING DOUBLE?

>> IT'S LIKE WHOEVER WAS POSTINGTHAT-THAT CLIP, WHEN THEY WERE

TYPING IT IN, JUST, LIKE, HAD ACOMA AND FELL ASLEEP ON THE

KEYBOARD.

(SPUTTERING)>> HARDWICK: WHAT'S YOUR LAST

NAME?

IT'S ALL THE KEYS ON THEKEYBOARD.

JUST ALL OF THEM.

>> I LET MY CAT WALK ON THEKEYBOARD AND JUST STUCK TO IT.

>> THAT'S HOW DUTCH WAS BORN.

>> HARDWICK: NEXT ONE, THISGREEK BAND PERFORMING THE

MYSTERIOUSLY TITLED "ALCOHOL ISFREE."

>> OH.

>> ♪ ALCOHOL, ALCOHOLALCOHOL IS FREE

ALCOHOL, ALCOHOL♪ ALCOHOL IS FREE

ALCOHOL IS FREEALCOHOL IS FREE. ♪

(SPEAKS GREEK)>> OH!

>> UH-OH!

>> LADIES! LADIES!

>> LADIES.

(SUGGESTIVE GROWL)>> HARDWICK: I HAD TO WIPE SOME

POUCH OFF MY MUSTACHE.

>> BELLAGIO?

>> HARDWICK: MAMRIE?

>> UH, BEST SONG TO LURE MAMRIEINTO A VAN WITH.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

>> YES.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS. NEXT ONE.

THIS POP GROUP WITH A SILVER FOXOF A BASS PLAYER.

>> ♪ THIS IS HOW IT'S MEANT TOBE

WE'RE TOGETHER, YOU AND MEAH... ♪

(BELL DINGS)>> HARDWICK: FLULA.

>> LIVER SPOTTIEST.

>> HARDWICK: YES. POINTS.

YEAH.

MAMRIE.

>> BEST LAST PERFORMANCE.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

>> SHE KNOWS.

THAT'S WHY...

>> SHE KNOWS. SHE KNOWS.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

>> I-I WILL AWARD THEM BEST USEOF BENJAMIN BUTTON.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH. POINTS.

>> YEAH, RIGHT. I CAN SEE IT.

>> HE REAL... HE REALLY HAS NOIDEA WHERE HE IS.

>> NO.

>> HE HAS NO IDEA.

>> HE'S VERY UNCOMFORTABLE'CAUSE HE GOT HER PREGNANT AND

IT'S, LIKE... IT'S WEIRD.

SHE'S-SHE'S FUCKING HIS OLDERBROTHER.

>> AW.

WOW.

HE'D EJACULATE DUST.

>> HARDWICK: DUST. YEAH.

>> PERFECTLY SAFE.

IT'S PERFECTLY SAFE.

>> JUST LIKE A... JUST LIKE...

JUST LIKE A FLOUR CLOUD.

(BLOWS)JUST...

(COUGHING, SPUTTERING)>> WHAT'S IT DOING IN HIS HAND?

>> HARDWICK: WHAT?

(BLOWS)(COUGHING)

>> HORTON HEARS NOTHING.

>> HARDWICK: NOTHING. YEAH.

YEAH. WELL, HE'S L... HE LOST ALOT OF FIRING CAPABILITY, SO YOU

JUST GOT TO BLOW IT ON PEOPLE.

(BLOWS)WHERE DO YOU WANT ME TO BLOW

THIS, ON YOUR FACE OR YOURBOOBS?

WHICH ONE?

WHAT'S THAT, NOW?

(SNEEZES)OH, DAMN IT!

>> OH, NO.

>> HARDWICK: AW, I CAN'T DO THATAGAIN FOR ANOTHER SEVEN YEARS.

>> AW.

>> AW.

>> HARDWICK: NEXT ONE, THESEGALACTIC SIBLINGS.

>> ♪ I KNOW THIS IS BOUND TO GODOWN AS THE BIG ONE ♪

(WHOOPS)YEAH!

♪ WHISTLE BLAST...

BIG ONE! ♪>> WHOA. WHOA!

>> OH.

>> WHOA!

>> OH!

>> WOW.

>> HARDWICK: IT'S, UH...

>> JEDWARD. THEY'RE VERY FAMOUS.

>> HARDWICK: THAT WHOLEPERFORMANCE IS WHAT I IMAGINE

HAPPENS INSIDE BALLS.

M-MAMRIE?

>> I HAVE A FAR GREATERAPPRECIATION FOR MY SPERM NOW IF

THEY LOOK LIKE THOSE TWO.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH. YOU JUSTTHOUGHT YOU WERE BEING SAD AND

LONELY IN FRONT OF YOURCOMPUTER, BUT THERE'S A WHOLE

PERFORMANCE GOING ON.

(HUMMING DRAMATICALLY)MAMRIE.

>> UH, LEAST MICROWAVEABLETIMBERLAKES.

>> HARDWICK: THEY...

THEY LOOK LIKE JIFFY POP.

>> UH-HUH.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS. FLULA.

>> DEFINITELY MY COUSINS.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

THEY ARE.

WE HAVE CHECKED THIS OUT.

>> OH.

>> HARDWICK: ROVE.

>> UM, LEAST LIKELY TO CONVINCEANYONE THEY KNOW WHAT A VAGINA

IS.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY. POINTS.

>> YEAH.

>> OH!

>> HARDWICK: NO, IT'S-IT'S THATTHING THAT... YOU KNOW...

>> THE-THE POUCH.

IT LOOKS LIKE THE...

>> IT'S LIKE A PITA.

>> IT'S LIKE... BUT YOU...

AND YOU DO THAT WITH YOUR HANDS.

AND THEN YOU TURN...

EVERYONE DONE THAT?

REMEMBER? AW.

>> IT'S LIKE A PITA.

>> HARDWICK: IT'S LIKE... YOUKNOW...

(EATING SOUNDS)>> AND THEN YOU... AND THEN YOU

DO... AND THEN YOU GO LIKE THISAND THEN YOU PUT IT... AND THEN

YOU PUT IT IN THERE... AND YOUGET IT AND YOU PUT AND YOU PACK

AND YOU PUT IT IN THERE ANDTHAT'S THE SEX.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

>> YEAH?

>> HARDWICK: 100 POINTS TO ROVEFOR TEACHING US ABOUT THE SEX.

LAST ONE, THESE DOWN-HOMEFARMGIRLS.

(SINGING IN POLISH)>> ♪ CREAM AND BUTTER TASTE SO

GOODWE WILL PREPARE FOR YOU

DELICIOUS FOOD ♪(BELL DINGS)

>> HARDWICK: AND... WE'RE GONNANEED FIRST-CLASS ACCOMMODATIONS

FOR OUR BUTTER CHURNER THAT WEHAVE TO TAKE ON TOUR.

FLULA.

>> HIGHEST CHOLESTEROL.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

THEY'RE ALL GONNA EAT THAT.

MAMRIE.

>> THE I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY'RENOT UDDERS AWARD?

>> OH.

>> WE'RE ALL THINKING IT.

WE'RE ALL THINKING IT.

>> HARDWICK: ROVE.

>> I'M JUST GIVING THAT A NEWAWARD CALLED AMISH PORN.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POINTS.

POINTS.

>> HOW MANY 15-YEAR-OLD BOYS AREWATCHING THIS RIGHT NOW AND

GOING, "I'M TAKING UP BUTTERCHURNING."

BILLY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING INTHERE?!

I'M CHURNING BUTTER! SHUT UP!

>> HARDWICK: IT JUST OCCURRED TOME THAT, LIKE, THE AMISH ARE A

GROUP YOU CAN TOTALLY MAKE FUNOF ON TELEVISION.

THEY'D NEVER KNOW.

>> NO.

>> HARDWICK: YOU CAN TOTALLYJUST SHIT ALL OVER 'EM.

>> YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: YOUR BARNS AREDUMB!

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT?

OH, SHIT! RUMSPRINGA! FUCK!

AS WE JUMP TO OUR NEXT GAME,SUGAR

DADDIES.

IF YOUR BEER-GUTTY BUDDIES SEEMUNNERVINGLY CONFIDENT THESE DAYS

THAT'S BECAUSE THE LATEST TRENDSWEEPING THE INTERNET IS DAD

BOD, THE APPROACH TO FITNESSTHAT FINALLY GIVES A CATCHY NAME

TO BEING OUT OF SHAPE.

THOUGH I SAY IF YOU'RE GONNA DOIT, DO IT ALL THE WAY AND AIM

FOR FATHER BOD.

JUST GO FULL BOD-FATHER ON THESECHUMPS.

LIKE THIS.

THERE WE GO.

>> OH.

>> HARDWICK: FOR THEUNINITIATED...

>> THE WATCH TAN LINE ISBEAUTIFUL.

THAT'S A NICE TOUCH.

>> HARDWICK: IT'S LIKE THEYFOLLOW YOUR EYES WHEREVER YOU...

FOR THE... FOR THE UNINITIATED,THE WEB SITE 8BITDAD WENT SO FAR

AS TO PLAN OUT THE 30-DAY DADBOD CHALLENGE, WHICH FEATURES

MOSTLY CHEAT DAYS AND DRINKING,BECAUSE YOU NEED REMINDERS TO DO

THAT.

UH, BUT I THINK THIS ITINERARYIS A LITTLE LACKING.

SO WHAT ARE SOME OTHER DAYS THATSHOULD BE PART OF THE DAD BOD

CHALLENGE?

IN 60 SECONDS. AND BEGIN.

(BELL DINGS)FLULA.

>> DAY 22, BOTTLE YOUR TOOTS,SNIFF YOUR TOOTS.

REPEAT.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)MAMRIE.

>> DAY 20, ASK YOUR DAUGHTERABOUT ZACH LEAVING ONE

DIRECTION.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)ROVE.

>> DAY 12, ORDER UROCLUB.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)ROVE.

>> DAY EIGHT, ASK YOUR DOCTOR IFCIALIS IS RIGHT FOR YOU.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)MAMRIE.

>> DAY SEVEN, HAVE YOUR CHILDRENREGRET TEACHING YOU HOW TO TEXT.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)FLULA.

>> IMPRESS YOUR DAUGHTER'SFRIENDS BY TELLING THEM ABOUT

THE TIME YOU SAT NEXT TO STEVENSEAGAL AT THE CHILI'S IN THE

AIRPORT.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)ROVE.

>> DAY 29, FART WHEN YOU COME.

>> HARDWICK: I'VE DONE THAT.

>> WOW.

>> HARDWICK: THERE'S NO WAY TOAPOLOGIZE FOR IT.

(BELL DINGS)MAMRIE.

>> UH, DAY SIX, TAKE A BITE OUTOF A DOG TREAT OUT OF SHEER

CURIOSITY.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)FLULA.

>> EAT THE DOG THAT YOU JUST ATETHE DOG TREAT FROM.

DAY SEVEN.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS. PERFECT.

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