A lot of guy-girl roommatesin this city,
not fucking, just livingtogether as friend roommates.
That's insanity to me.
That is asinine, to livewith a girl you're not fucking.
Fellas, if you do that,and I mean this--
harsh sentence here,but hear me out.
Fellas, if you live witha girl you're not fucking,
you have no respect for women.
You have no respect for them.
You don't knowwhat you're capable of.
Men, we're garbage.
And you got to knowwhat you're capable of.
Listen, when men have our--when our balls are full--
This is a hackneyed subjectat this point,
but it's justthe facts of life.
When our balls are full,
we are a different human beingthan when our balls are empty.
Does that make sense at all?
So the girl you live withhas to be a girl you're fucking,
or else weird stuff'sgonna happen.
When our balls get full,
we're not the same personas when they're empty.
When our balls are empty,
that's when we're the personthat our parents made.
When my balls are empty
is when I'm doingeverything good in life.
I pay my bills.I shoot hoops.
I say hi to friends.I high-five a lot of people.
When your balls are full--
that's why guys, like,jerk off so much.
You just got to, like,change that state of mind
and get back into the worldfunctioning, empty-balled again.
And when our balls are full,we'll do fucked-up shit.
And to live with a girlwho's just your friend,
like, you're gonna fuckthat friendship up.
I know you will.I would.
If I had a girl roommatewho I wasn't fucking,
two seconds, I'd ruin that.
First time she's like,
"Hey, I'm going to my parents'house for the weekend,"
20 minutes after she leaves,
I'm gonna go smellall of her panties.
then I'm gonna rub her vibratorson my face
while I jerk off with a fistwrapped in her dirty underwear.
Wow, we did it,Webster Hall, huh?
My very bizarre fan baseis here.
Purple hair, this fucking DJ.
An Asian guywith long hair and a beard.
You better know karate.
Hot black chick next to a hot
I'm guessing some sortof Middle Eastern something.
Three snowboarders,an awkward black guy,
That pretty much sums it up.
Show me a fat Asian,we got this thing covered.
One of these girls your chick?
That's your girl right there?
Married, no.- Not yet.
- Not yet, but you already knowyou're going to.
That's serious as hell.
How long you been together?
- Six years.- Six years?
How old are you?
- 27.- 27?
Don't get married to the chickyou found when you were 21.
That has no chanceof working out, dude.
There's no way.
Were you just crushing pussat 15 or something?
Good for you.
You're gonna do it, dude.Good for you.
Kids, the whole thing,you want, right?
Don't do that.
I did that 13 years ago.
It is quite a price...
for some sweet,sweet pussy, dude.
That is quite a price.
What kind of kids you want,boys, girls?
You don't give a shit as longas they're healthy, right?
- Yes.- Lies.
You want a boy so bad.
I only have a girl,and I want a boy.
I don't even wantany more kids.
I just wish she was a boy.
I tell her that every day...
not with words, with actions.
I peg her in the chestwith a football.
When she's rolling aroundon the ground,
I'm like, "If you were a dude,you'd have caught that."
And then I step over herlike Iverson in the Finals.
Stepdad's a good dude.
Still is, Joe, great guy.
Huge dick, true story.
Was Big Mike's dick big?
You never saw it?
You never got a glance?
Boy, I did.
- I'm very insecure.
I used to ask womenin the audience,
as, like, a unit,just a whole group of women,
I'd be like,"Hey, what's the smallest dick
you've ever seenin your life?"
And I stopped doing that quick,
because I was lookingfor answers
that would me feel betterabout my dick size.
You know, they'd be like,"3 inches," or, "4 inches."
And I'd be like, "All right,I'm doing okay, then."
That's not what happened.
I found out from that question,from that polling system,
how horrible women are.
You're really terrible,terrible people.
If you ask enough womenin one group,
smallest dick you've ever seen,
you know the answermost of them give?
A lot of them givethe same one.
It's not even a measurementof numbers or anything.
They just hold upa pinkie finger.
"Mm, pinkie dick."
Pinkie--that's a lie, number one.
There's no man in the worldwith a pinkie dick.
A pinkie dick?
If you have a pinkie dick whenyou turn 18, you kill yourself.
You jump off a bridge
or something more hilariouslysmall dick related,
but you do not press forwardin life with a pinkie dick.
You girls are laughing.
Was that your answer?
Was that what youwould have said, pinkie dick?
You saw that in life?
Guy pulled it out for you.
What's your name?- Christine.
A guy pulled outa pinkie dick for you.
- [laughs]- Is that how it happened?
Sexual situation,guy whips it out.
- Christine,if you don't mind,
what did you do?
- I told himI had to go home.
- You told himyou had to go home.
[laughter, cheers, and applause]
I don't knowwhy you're applauding her.
That's the shittiestthing ever.
I have a daughter.
It's cool, I guess,to some degree.
She plays sports, but...
she plays soccer.
- Really, whoo?
13-year-old girls' soccer, dude?
Do you know how boring13-year-old girls' soccer is?
The same exact boring asadult men's professional soccer.
Three hoursfor 0-0 scores.
But you got to support.
I show up for the lastfive minutes of the game,
and I run up, and I'm like,
"All right, I'm here.Don't be a whore.
"You don't haveto blow everybody.
"I'm here, I love you.
You shouldn't feel abandoned."
"Give you some money, I'll helpyou with your homework.
"Just, please,don't blow everybody.
But, God, I can't watchthis whole game."
Life and the world would bean easier place
if she was a boy, man.
Girls make fathers' livesvery difficult
with thingsthey don't even know.
They don't even realizethey're making it difficult.
Can't do laundry anymorewith my daughter's stuff.
It's just uncomfortable.
Looking how I look and foldinglittle-girl underwear
does not appearas if I'm doing a good deed.
It looks like I'm, like,
organizing the trophiesfrom all my victims.
"Ah, I remember her.
Pigtails, Central Park."
Sometimes it's the first timeI hear it too.