• 10/13/2016
  • views: 0

Ari Shaffir reveals the grossest thing he's ever done to a friend, and Sal Vulcano explains why he once held a pair of pants for ransom. (20:45)

- But instead I said,

"Do you thinkI'm playing games?"

Yeah, the terrorist in meain't gonna stand for that shit.

This is my first timeterrorizing anyone,

I'm going balls to the wall.

[intense musical buildup]

- Aah!

- Aah!

- [kissing sounds][tires screeching[

Let me smell your vagina!

[brakes screech]

[dark electronic music]

- You guys might know him.He's probably the best thing

to ever come outof Staten Island, you guys.

[cheers and applause]


From the show"Impractical Jokers" on TruTV,

my friend and yours,Mr. Sal Vulcano!

[cheers and applause]

- I want to tell you guysabout a time

I took a weed edible.

It's a story of the first...

and the last timethat I saw Stacy Wu.

Okay?- Whoo!

So I g--[laughter]

- Quiet down, step children.

No, I'm kidding.

I got a packagedelivered to my house.

It was addressed to Stacy Wu.I don't know Stacy Wu.

Never heard of her.Never met her.

But the addresswas my address.

So I figure,okay, it's a mistake.

I'll toss it to the side.I'll deal with it later.

Weekend comes,I take a weed edible.

Later that night I'm chilling,I'm like, all right,

let me open up this package,

see if there's a contact info.for this Stacy,

see if I can let her knowthat I have her stuff.

So I open up the package.Sure enough...

her address is in there--her email address.

And it is a pair of pants,

women's, six 6,sateen dress pants,

black, from Ann Taylor Loft.

So I'm like, I'm gonnaget Stacy her pants back.

So I open up my email and I typeher email address in.

I write right in the subject,

"I have your pants."


And I'm about to tell her,you know, "Just drop me a line.

I'll get 'em to you,"you know?

But then I thought,

"Ohh, wouldn't it be great

if I wrote hera ransom note for them?"

It's the weed edible.That's what happens.

I'm like, "Of courseit would be great."

So that's what people do.[laughs]

They write ransom notes.

So I get out my"Entertainment Weeklies"

and just start chopping away.

Five hours.

For five hours, I cut lettersout of years' worth of

"Entertainment Weekly"magazines.

It was a work of art.

And I taped the pagesand I scanned it into the email.

And I'm about to hit sendand I'm like,

"Ah! This is not howransom notes work.

"I have to send hera picture of the pants,

prove I got them shits."

And then I thought,"Oh...

"wouldn't it be great...

if I was in them?"

'Course it would.That's why I'm here. Tonight.

So I get myselfin these pants.

It took minutes.

That's a long timeto get into pants.

But I got this body

into those size 6 sateens.

And I take some picturesof myself and I realize

I'm bare-chested,and I'm like,

"Ah, that's kinda weird."

I don't want her to getthe wrong idea

about this ransom note.

I want this ransom noteto be on the up and up.

So I put on a shirt, a tie,a jacket, shoes.

I really classedthis ransom note up.

I really did.

I'm about to takea picture of myself

in them and I said,"Oh...

"this is not how this works.

She can't see my face."

So I said,"Wouldn't it be great

if I was in a ski mask?"


I know.

It's awesome.[laughs]

So I put on a ski mask.

I take a bunch of picturesof myself.

I upload this allinto the email,

I hit send,and I am so proud of myself

because this is what life is.

Okay? A lot of you don't knowhow to live.

People don't knowhow to live.

I figured it out.

This is it.So I just go to bed.

I dream great dreams.

And I wake up on the morning--

It's like Christmas morningto me.

I run straight to my laptopand I open it up

to see if Stacy Wuhas received

my correspondence

and if she wrote back.And she did.

And I'm going to read you nowwhat she wrote back to me.

"This is really creepy.

"A man sending pictureswearing women's pants

"and a ski mask?

"I'm filing a complaintwith UPS.

"I'll have the authoritiestrack you down

"to where the pantswere delivered

"and charge you with robbery

and possible terrorism."


I know![laughs]

I did not--I neverin my wildest dreams

I'd think this was"possible terrorism."

I thought this wasgonna be a hoot.

Like, a little light hoot,not a possible terror.

- That's terrible.

- She goes on."They look for people like you,

you son of a bitch."


"I don't know who you are.I don't know what you want.

"This truly isn't funny,

"and if you're looking forpeanut butter,

I don't have any!"

I'll get to thatin a second.

I'm in over my head.I'm in over my head.

It's obvious.I should have said,

"This is a joke!Take your pants!"

But instead, I said...

"Do you thinkI'm playing games?"

Yeah! The terrorist in meain't gonna stand for that shit!

This is my first timeterrorizing anyone.

I'm going balls to the wall,okay?

I do everything I doto the best of my ability.

If I'm possiblyterrorizing you,

look the fuck out.

And I just sent hera bunch more photos, okay?

So then I step awayfrom the laptop.

It was the first thing I didthat day and did nothing else,

so I went to my phonefor the first time

and opened it up,and I had a text

from the night beforeat 10:32 pm.

This is before I dabbledwith any of this other stuff.

And the textis from my landlord Stanley

who lives right below me.

And this is what his text said.He said, "Hey, buddy,

"was there a packagedelivered last Monday

"and left on your porch?

It's for my girlfriend Stacy."

[audience groans]

I felt the same way.

Felt the same, exact way.

I'm like, ha ha ha ha...

there's no wayhe's finding out about this.

I don't carewhat I have to do.

I'm getting rid of the pants.

I'll take the fucking pantsdown to a ravine

and fuckin' shoot 'em.

However you get rid of stuff.

I'm gonna do it.And then I realized...

oh, man, I sent her the notefrom my email address.

It's got my first, last,and two middle names

in the type.

So I have to confess.I have to come clean to Stan.

So I call him on the phone.I'm like, "Stan, it's Sal.

"As a matter of fact,I do have the pants,

"and if you wanna meet meon the side of the house,

I'll give 'em to you.Uh, also..."


"I gotta tell you something.Gotta tell you something."

So he meets meon the side of the house.

He's like, "Oh, Sal,thanks so much."

I'm like, "Stan, no problem.I even emailed her

and let her know I had 'em."He's like, "You're the best.

I'm like, "Hold on.

Just hold on.Just let me finish."

I said, "Stan, somewherein there I felt it apropos...

to also write hera ransom note for them."

He's like,"What are you talking about?

I'm like, "It's exactlywhat you think."

And I knew...[laughs]

I knew he was gonna ask me,"Well, what did it say?"

And so I brought the ransom noteto the side of the house

to read to him right therein the driveway.

And I also brought it tonight.

[cheers and applause]


- This is it.This is living.

It says, "Hello.I have your pants."

You guys?I'll do it every five pages.

"Hello. I have your pants.

Check the picture for proof."- Oh, wow!

- We agree that the ransom noteshould have ended there.

Allow me to read youthe next 18 pages.

"In order toget them back safely,

"I am going to needone 15-ounce jar

"of Skippy all-naturalHoney Peanut Butter...


This is the weed edible talking.I'm allergic to peanut butter.

"I know what you're thinking.'Peanut butter'?

"Yeah. Peanut butter.

So what?This is about m right now."



"This really isn't the timefor you to be judging me

"about the peanut butter.

I have your pants."

"To be honest,I felt silly

asking for the peanut butter,

"but I gathered myself,and here we are.


"Peanut butter is delicious,and I'm out of it."

I'm nowexplaining myself to her

for no good reason.

"I could have asked fora lot worse than peanut butter."

I don't even knowwhat the implication was there.

I don't needto question myself.

"So let's just move on.

Put the peanut butterin an unmarked duffle..."


Clearly, all of myknowledge of ransom notes

has come from the movies.

I don't even knowwhat an unmarked duffle is.

I--What is a--What is a marked duffle?

What is a marked--I don't know, but don't send

that shit to mein a fucking marked duffle.

"Deliver to my homeno later than noon

"on Friday.

"Every day...

"that I do not receive

"the peanut butter...

"I will wear your pants...


"With a different cute top."

She's giving me no choice.

"Your move.

PP forever."


That's nice of you.That's how I felt.

I was elated.

I said to him,"I also, uh--

"I also sent her a phototo prove I had 'em."

And he was like...

"Let me see it."

And I showed him on my phone,

but for you guys,I went to Kinkos.

You're gonna wannalook at that.

[crowd whooing]

I call that terrorist casual.

Yeah, I got your pants,but really, it's no biggie.

Just what I do.

It was my first terrorizing.

I kept it light.

He said,"What did she say?"

I said, "She said...

she was gonna callthe authorities...

and charge me with robbery

and terrorism.

He said, "Holy shit!

What did you say?"

And I said...

I said, "Oh, I just said, 'Doyou think I'm playing games?'

"and then I justfired off a bunch more

photos to her."

Look, this one cuts deep.This one's like...

I'm straight relaxin'while I'm terrorizing you.

I'm literally wearingthe pants in the situation.

Moment of silenceand then he grac--

Oh, by the way,Kinkos, no questions.


Ten employees,not a fucking word.

But he graciously said,"Look, I will tell her.

I'll tell her and tryand hash it out for you."

And then, uh,a year and a half later,

I'm walking out of my homedown my driveway

and a female's walking up it,and we meet in the middle.

And she says to me,

[inhales, exhales]

"Are you the guy..."


"That had my pants?"

This was a moment of truthfor me,

so I dug very deep,I looked her in the eye

and I said,

"I never got the peanut butter."

That's the storyof the first and last time

I ever saw Stacy Wu.Thank you, guys.


[cheers and applause]

[dark electronic music]

And I'm telling you right now,if I don't trust a used condom

with a regular human woman,

you'll be goddamned if I justgive it to a homeless lady,

and just like, "Hey, don't doanything weird with this."

[intense musical buildup]

- Aah!

- Aah!

- [kissing sounds][tires screeching]

- Let me smell your vagina!

[brakes screech]

[dark electronic music]

[cheers and applause]

Ladies and gentlemen,please welcome this next comic,

the host of the "Punch Drunk"sports podcast,

give it up for Mr. Ari Shaffir,everybody.

Let him hear it!

[cheers and applause]

Thank you, everybody.

[laughs]Thank you very much.

All right, this story iswhat my friend said

was the gayest thingthat's ever happened to him.

[chuckles]I, uh...

I don't really likethat kinda talk, but whatever.

So it starts--I was havingsex with a girl--

excuse me, a woman--and, uh...

That's one of those thingswhere feminists are right,

like, yes, absolutely,I was a grown person.

And I used a condom for once...


I don't know how you guysfeel when you use a condom.

I feel like a champion for,like, the rest of the month.

I'm always like, "Not part ofthe problem today...

this one time!"

And if you wear a condom,that means you don't have to

wear a condomthe next nine times.

'Cause it cancels out.That's just how it works.

That's just science, you guys.

If you disagree,you don't know science.

It's like when you havea salad for lunch,

you can have a wholepizza for dinner.

So anyway,

what do you guys do when you'redone having sex with a condom?

What do you doas soon as you're finished?

- Pull it off.I don't know.

- What? Pull her off?

That's great, man, yeah,that's a number one thing.

You're absolutely right.You'll be like,

"I'm finished now.You should leave.

"Leave my dick.It's, like, done.

I feel it shrinkinginside of you."


Like, "You wanna pull out?""It'll come out on its own."

That's how you knowwinter is over.

It just gets smallerand smaller.


Fucking great answer, man.

Yeah, you pull her off you.

And then you takethe condom off,

and you gotta throwthe condom off--

you gotta throw it away.

Yeah, first of all,you gotta pull it off,

'cause at some point

you lay there fora minute or two, you know,

before you pull it off.

You don't be like fucking--Uhh--then fucking take the--

You know, it's like, grenade!Get it outta here!

But she's lying on your shoulderand you realize,

you're like--once your dickis completely limp,

it's like this isn'tsexual anymore.

And you realize, like, you'vejust been basting in jizz.

Your dick is like a Haagen-Dazsdip cone of semen.

Yeah. It's got, like, reverseBenjamin Button or something.

It's gonna prune up

like you're in the showertoo long, you know?

I don't want my dick lookinglike it's got progeria,

so you gotta take it off.

And a lot of people get upand throw the condom out,

uh, which, that's coolif you got the energy.

I fuck hard--I don't havethat kind of energy.

So, uh...

yeah, I go for itif you're gonna go for it.

So I'll take the condom off

and I'll just throw itby the side of the bed.

I don't know if you guysever do that move?

It's a classic.You've never done that?

Oh, 'cause you're black.

Black people don't use condoms,that's why.

You're like, "What? I don't evenunderstand this whole story.

"What are you talking about?You have to explain to me

"why would you investin real estate

when you're talkingto this girl?"

Yeah, so you dump itby the side of the bed.

You get it the next morning.That's what I was gonna do.

I'll tie it off--you don't,like, just drop it,

'cause thenit'll all leak out.

So you gotta like,tie it off.

Especially if you got dogs.

If you got dogs,you gotta tie that off.

They'll go for it.Dogs will go for it.

They don't know.They don't know about sexuality.

They just know protein.They just know protein.

Yeah, a dog will, like,go for it.

You can yell at 'em.Be like, "Stop!"

And the dog'll be like,"I think you're wrong here.

"'Cause...why...why would I not eat--

"Why did you cover itin protein

if you don't want me to eat it?"

So, yeah,for sure tie it off.

And the morning cameand I got up to throw it away.

I don't--I was gonna flush.

I don't like to throw awaycondoms at women's places

'cause, like...part of me worries, like...

This might be crazybut, like...

Yeah, well, hold on.It's not completely crazy

if you all kind of knowwhat I'm about to say, right?


- Yeah, it's not completelyoff the wall nuts

that she's gonna, yeah,undo the condom

and then put it up thereand fuckin' scoosh it in

and have a baby the oldfashioned way through trapping.

Yeah, so I was like, all right,I'll flush it in the toilet.

But then I got to her toiletto flush it,

and the toilet didn't look likeit could for sure handle it.

I was like, I don't wannabe here for two hours, you know,

so I was like, "Fuck it,I'll just go outside.

I'll throw it out outsidein the Dumpster."

So, yeah--so I'm goingdown her steps

to her apartment buildingholding this used condom.

This used no love condomhoping not to

pass of her neighbors.

Like, "Good morning,Mrs. Johnson, enjoy church.

Uh...sorry about this."

And then I got outside.I was about to throw it out,

and then, uh...there wasa homeless lady in the Dumpster.

Yeah, a homeless womanjust rootin' around in there.

I guess that's for surenot a lady,

but, uh...

Yeah, just a homeless womanlookin' for--

I don't know, her mealor whatever.

I don't knowwhat they do in there.

And I'm telling you right now,if I don't trust a used condom

with a regular human woman,

you'll be goddamned if I justgive it to a homeless lady,

and just like, "Hey, don't doanything weird with this."

I mean, that is a cash winfor a homeless person.

That is child supportfor the rest of her life.

That is a lot of--she'd becrazy not to try it, really.

She'd be crazy to notbe like, oh...[mumbles]

The seed of a man with a job?

She'd be like--you ever hear that story

about, like, God sendinga--like the guy drowning...

'cause--anybody religious here?- Yes.

- You knowwhat I'm talking about?

- Amen.- Amen!

Hell yeah, lady.Hell yeah.

We have "ah, men,"but that's okay.

I know what you're saying.

Yeah, where the man was drowningand he prayed to God

to save him--in like the ocean,

and then a rowboat came by--you know this one?

And then, uh, he's like--the rowboat guy's like,

"Hey, get in."He goes, "No, no, no.

God's gonna save me.Beat it."

And the rowboat guy's like,"All right."

And then later, like,a bigger boat came by

and he's like, "Get in."He's like, "No.

Fucking God's gonna save me.Get outta here."

Probably didn't curseas much as I am,

but then a giant ship came byand they're like,

"Get in, you're gonna drown."He goes, "No,

God is gonna save me."And then he left

and then the guyjust fucking drowned.

He just sunk and drowned.Then he got to heaven

and he's like,"God, why didn't you save me?"

And God's like,"What are you talking about?

"I sent a rowboat,and a medium-sized ship,

and a big ship for you."

So that's this homeless lady.She got to heaven.

She'd be like,"How come you never gave me

a hand up?"And God's like,

"I gave you a fuckin' vile...

"of semen of a manwith a home.

"What else do you need meto do?

"Put some of it in now,and save the other half

for when you're ovulating."

So I was like, well, I can'tthrow it out in this Dumpster.

And I was like,"Well, what am I supposed to do

with this condom?"

So I was like,"Fuck it, I'll just--

"I'll just take it homeand I'll throw it out...

when I get home."

Yeah, it was frustratingnot to be able to

deal with thisstupid condom.

So I get in my car.

I put it in the little--the side trashcan of the car.

You know?You don't know?

That's what it's for.It's for like owner's manuals

or maps,but nobody uses that.

It's for when you're donewith a CHEETOS bag.

You're like, "What am I--I'll just fuckin'..."

So I put it in thereand I start driving home.

And I pass--on the way home I pass

my friend at the bus stop,Jayson Thibault.

Yeah, he's my co-hostin that "Punch Drunk" podcast.

And I pulled over.I was like "What are you doing?"

He said, "Well,I'm going to work."

And I was like,"Well, fuck it, man, get it.

I'll give you a ride."He's like, "Really?"

I'm like, "Yeah.I'm in a great mood.

Absolutely.Yeah, I don't mind."

So we start driving--he gets in we start driving

and he goes--he goes,"Where you coming from?

Why are youin such a good mood?"

And--Okay, now, right here...

I probably could havejust told him.

But I thought, like,show him, you know?

It's a way richer wayof telling a story.

Like in grade school,they didn't have "Tell."

They had "Show and Tell."

So he was like,"Where are you coming from?"

so I just reached into the little trash can,

and I got the knotin the condom

like right betweenmy thumb and my forefinger.

I just kinda felt for it,and then I grabbed it,

and then--and then I hit himin the face with it.

Yeah, I came around that way.I didn't want to go this way,

'cause it might hit me,you know? Eew!

And I went around--and it was going fast.

The thing stretchedwhen it was coming around.

Like, it got wider,and then it hit him like...

coming forward.

It made like a--like a that kinda sound.

Like a big slap.

I remember his seatbelt locked.I remember that.

Yeah, as it hit himit was like...

And then the thingwas just dangling there...

And he, uh,he was not happy about it.

No, he was pretty upset.

I've definitelyseen him happier.

Yeah, he was mad.He starts yelling.

He goes,"Did you just hit me...

with a full condom?"

- And I was like, "I mean,I don't know about full.

"Just the little bottom partis full.

"If that's a full condom,you have a very positive way

of looking at the world."

He was mad.He goes,

"That's the gayest thingthat's ever happened to me."

And I go,"Don't say that."

Not 'cause of homophobiaor anything.

He was using itin the right context--

it was to mean homosexual.

And I'm like, "It wasn't gay.It wasn't homosexual.

If you ask me--If you ask me I didn't hit him

with the inside of the condom.

If I turned it inside out,sure.

That's the partthat had my dick in it

and where all the jizzand stuff was.

I hit himwith the outside of the condom.

That came straight fromtouching a vagina.

It got all up in the vagina

and then hit himacross the face.

If anything...

it's the most heterosexual thing

that's every happened to him.

Yeah, it's been 12 years,

and he still does notsee it my way.

All right, I'm done.Thank you very much, everybody.

That's my story.

[cheers and applause]

[dark electronic music]

- She was like,"Is this the party?"

And we were like,"Uh, yeah, this is the party."

Certainly it waparty.We were eating Xanax

on Thanksgiving.I know what a party is.

[intense musical buildup]

- Aah!

- Aah!

- [kissing sounds][tires screeching[

Let me smell your vagina!

[brakes screech]

[dark electronic music]

[cheers and applause]

- He's absolutely hilarious.You guys are gonna love him.

He's got a great podcastcalled Tuesdays with Stories

that I've been on.It's an awesome podcast.

Please give it up forMr. Joe List, everybody.

Let him hear it.

[cheers and applause]

- This story's about the bestThanksgiving I ever had.

It was Thanksgiving 2005.

I don't know if you guyswere there for that one.

It was a fun one.The guy's clapping

for Thanksgiving '05.Thank you, sir.

It's a good one.

I had Thanksgiving dinnerat my grandmother's house

like you doand a friend of mine--

his name is Derek, we'll say,

'cause that's his name.

And he was home.He was like--

he went to college I guessis what you do

and we were 21 or whatever

and he came home to visit and hewas at my grandmother's house.

We had, like, a regularThanksgiving dinner.

Turkey, gravy,all that business.

And then we were going backto my house and he was like,

"So is that the night?Are we wrapping up?"

And I was like,"Yeah, that's probably--

we'll probably havea couple beers at the house

or whatever."And then we went back there

and my fri--I livedwith my friend Tom.

And I had some Xanax at the time

because I had a panic disorder.

I would have thesepanic attacks.

I don't know if you're familiarwith panic attacks.

It's almost like you're beingattacked by panic.

If you've never had it.

I'm not a doctor, but that's howI would sort of describe it.

So we had these Xanax,and I was like,

"Well, we can take these XanaxI have a prescription

so we might as wellabuse these."

And, so...

we had some post-turkeyXanax and a few beers

and we were literallylaughing it up

and having some funand we were like,

"Why don't we getsome strippers over here?

That would be fun."Thanksgiving strippers.

I feel like the midnightThanksgiving shift

would probably besome good strippers

and there was a placewe would go to.

They had take out strippers.They would--you could--

they would justsend them to your house

which is pretty, uh--pretty kick ass.

So we would do thatabout two or three times a week

and, um...we figured "Why not?"

We were in the giving mood.We had some strippers come over.

Had a couple more Xanaxwhile we waited

and we were like,"All right, here we go."

And we drank whatever boozewas in the house.

And then the doorbell rang.It had been about 20 minutes.

So we were like,"Oh, there's the strippers.

All right, let's get it going.Pilgrims."

My friend, Tom,he went to answer the door

and then me and my friendDerek were on the couch

and we were like,"Here we go. Stripper time."

And then my friend Tom came upwith just kind of

a random woman who didn't--I mean, we ordered two.

I don't knowif I mentioned that.

We did a two for special'cause we would go a lot.

So we had, like, a punch card

and we would get, like,a two for deal.

And just one girl showed upand usually there's a bodyguard.

There was no bodyguardand it was just--

she didn't look like a stripperbecause she was, a...

older and not attractiveat all.

And she was like,"Is this the party?"

And we were like,"Uh, yeah, this is the party."

Certainly it waparty.We were eating Xanax

on Thanksgiving.I know what a party is.

So why notthrow a "the" in there?

It was "the party."And she was like,


And then, once again,we were like,

"Yeah, we are allcollectively Raúl."

We're Raúl.

And so she was like,"Great, I'm Dorothy."

Her name was Dorothy and she hada little dog with her too.

Like a Toto looking dog.- Oh, my God!

- Which was adorable,but the dog's name

wasn't Toto--I don't remember the dog's name

'cause I was onXanax and alcohol,

but I remember being like,

Why isn't your dog named Toto,you dumb dumb?

That should be the dog's name.

So then the doorbellrang again

and we were like, well, surelythese are the strippers now.

And it was.It was the two strippers

and their bodyguard fella.

And they came inand they were like,

"Hey, Joe.Hi, Tom."

And then I was like,"This is Derek, he's visiting."

And they were like,"Great. Great to meet you."

We all sort of knew each other.And then they started the thing?

They put their little CDin the PlayStation or whatever.

And then they--[laughter]

Yeah, I'm not surewhy that's a punch line,

but, uh--[applause]

So anyways, they didtheir strip thing

and they were like--they were like,

they threw me on the floor,they were like,

"Get down on the floor,you little bitch."

And I was like, "Yeah."

I was like, "This iswhat Thanksgiving is all about."

And, "I'm into that."

So then they both startedkinda like grinding on me

while I was laying thereand I was like, "Yeah."

And "Strippers is fun."And then the--Dorothy,

she decided--she's like, "I should be

doing that, too, probably."

So she kinda steppedin between the two of them,

was like, "Me also!I'm also stripping here."

And I was like,"All right, let's get Dorothy

involved in this.It's the holidays."

And, then the strippers--

evidently strippersdon't like that.

They don't like yougetting in on their thing.

They were like, "Get outof here, this is our time

or whatever to dance."It was like "Footloose."

So they kinda backed off.They were like,

"This girl's nutty."'Cause the girl--

Dorothy, she took hershirt off also

which wasn't the best,but...

So the stripperswent back into the kitchen

where the bodyguard guy--he was with Tom.

They were kinda having coffeeor whatever.

They were buddies and--so they went back there

and then Dorothy,she started kinda--

we had mirrors all over.

Our house looked likea strip club ironically.

There was like mirrorsand like thick carpeting.

It was real creepy.

And she started lookingin the mirror and she was like,

"They hate me 'cause I'm fat.

"I'm gross.I'm not sexy."

And then she started crying.She was like...

[crying]"I'm not sexy."

And me and my friend Derekwe were on the couch

and we're like,"I don't know what you do

"in this situation.

I wish Raúl was here."

So I said,"No, you're very sexy.

I think you'reextremely sexy."

Which was a lie, but it was,you know, a white lie.

I was like,"No, you're very sexy."

And she's like,"Do you mean that?"

And I was like,"Of course I mean that.

What? Are you kidding?You're as sexy as anybody."

And then she was like,"Great," and she started

blowing me.Um...


And I was like, "Oh, wow,that's how you get a blow job.

I've been trying for years."

For years I've been like,"Would you mind blowing me?

I've heard about blow j--Do you blow people?"

And then bears would be like,"What? Get away from me."

And then I'd be like,"All right, sorry."

But evidently you tella crying girl that she's sexy

and that works.

I haven't tried since,but it worked that day.

And I had a panic disorder,so I was really--

I had a lot of anxiety.And we were kinda sitting

on the couch and then my friendDerek, he was sitting next to me

right here like he waswaiting for a plane.

We were just kinda sittingnext to each other

and she was, you know,going down on me

and that was excitingand then I saw, like,

one of the strippers,her head popped out

around the cornerfrom the kitchen.

I just saw her headwhich was fun.

And then I just heard, like...[indistinct whispering]

And then her head,the stripper head,

the other stripper,the door guy,

and my friend Tomall of their heads

popped around togetherat once

like a stacked Totem poleof like, "What?"

And it's the funniest thingI've ever seen in my life.

And I was like, "All right,

thumbs up, all you heads...also head."

And so the strippers, they dolike, "This is too crazy.

We're going home.We're outta here."

And I was like, "I guess they'releaving, but this is fun,"

and I was getting really nervousand then my friend,

Derek--he's a great, great friend.

Best friend I ever had,he leaned in to the girl

for some--I don't know whatmade him--inspired him,

but he went,"He's got balls, you know?"


Good friend.

So I said,"Good lookin' out, buddy."

And she said, "Good point."

So she startedlapping my balls a little bit.

And at this point I was like,"This is too much

for me to handle.I'm freaking out here."

I feel like I'm gonna havea panic attack 'cause I'm a nut.

So I was like, "Aah,I can't do anymore of this."

And I kinda ran to the bathroomand I was like,

"This is nuts."I splashed water on my face

and I was like, "You piece ofshit, what are you doing?

You're getting blown,it's Thanksgiving,

You just leftyour grandmother's house.

And so I was like,"This is too crazy."

So then I came outof the bathroom,

I came back and she wasblowing Derek now.

He also has balls, you know?

So I was just like,"Oh, I guess I wasn't

that meaningful to her."

And then my friend Tomwas like,

"Well, I should go getsome condoms, I guess."

And then she stopped blowingand was like,

"No, I only like blowjobs."

She said it reallymatter-of-factly

and then I was like,"Well, you should get gum."

It was like a bit zinger I had.

I thought that was fun.

So then Tom left to getthe condoms or whatever

and then when he came back,she had decided

that now she didkinda wanna get laid

'cause she figured she'd beendoing some giving or whatever.

So, um, then, uh,Tom came back

and they decidedthey would make love.

So they kinda...

made love to each other.

And that was fun.And then this part--

you might thinkI'm making this up,

I swear to God I'm notmaking it up.

Toto--while Tom was havingintercourse with her,

Toto started humpingTom's leg which was really fun.

A little threesome action.Interspecies.

I told the dog--I was like,"He has balls, you know?"

I thought of doinga call back, but...

you need peanut butterif you want to get that done.


So that was pretty funand then the other memorable

thing thatI should mention is while

Tom was making love to her,she said this line

that was very unforgettable.I really loved it.

She said, um--she did a little dirty talk

and he line was,"Mmm...

my pussysounds like spaghetti."


And at that point I was like,

"This girl might bea little cuckoo."

But I will say this,I had never associated

those two things,but, uh...

an intercourse active pussysounds a little bit

like spaghettiif you hit it right.

I was like,"What? You don't say?

It does kinda sound like that."And then--

So, anyways--[laughter]

Tom finished up the sex

and, um...

and then now--quite a bit of time had passed

and we kinda were like--we were ready to go to bed

and this woman's a bit cooky,so we're kinda like

trying to...get her to...


'Cause we wanted to go to bed.I feel terrible about this.

I apologized to heror whatever,

but, uh--so I was kinda likedropping hints.

I was like,"Dorothy, you know...

there's no place like home."You know?


Try that shit.And then she was like,

"Well, you know,I'm a little broke.

I could use a littleextra money, you know?"

And I was like,"Oh, is that what...

just happened?Um..."

And we were like--we didn't really have any money.

We were like, 22-year-olddegenerate idiots.

So we didn't--and comicsand so we didn't have any money.

So we gave her a--I was like,"I have this CD rack

"that I'm not really...using much."

And she's like,"I could use one of those."

And then we actually had

a jar of changethat I'd been collecting.

It was like a Captain Morganwith change.

I was like,"Do you want this?"

She's like,"I'll take those two things."

And so then she kinda leftwith a CD rack...

and a jar of changeand her dog

all together.- Wow.

- And we all were kinda wave--we were like,

"All right, so long, Dorothy."

It was kinda like the Tin Man,

the Scarecrow,and the Cowardly Lion, um...

And we were all like,"So long, Dorothy,"

and, was really--

I hope she's aliveand well.

But I still think of her nowwhenever I have

a Thanksgiving dinner.

Or spaghetti.Either meal.

All right, you guys are great.Thank you very much.

[cheers and applause]

[dark electronic music]