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3 Buttholes

Amy learns the truth about cockblocking, falls for a guy with an accent and gets smiling lessons. (21:15)

I thinkI wore it best.

(Publicist)No. Look, Amy...

the general consensus isthat you're being held back

by your glaring flaw.

My lower back tattoo--Your smile.

You havea lower back tattoo?

No, I don't.

Your smile is garbagein all of these.

(Publicist)Terrible... awful...horrible.

So, you're gonna meetmy smile guy, David.

Dentist?No, he's a smile guy.

He's worked with allthe top smiles,

Julia Roberts,Swank, Bening...

Annette Bening?Mm-hmm!

Oh, my God.Go there now.

He's expecting you.Oh.

♪ You've got to smilefor the people ♪

♪ Each and every day

(Amy)"Smiles are the windowsto our teeth"?

Amy Schumer!Hi.

Such a pleasure!Hi, David.

Great to meet you.Great to meet you!

Okay, so, I hear we have somework to do on your smile.

Yeah, that'swhat Ali told me.

Okay, well, let's seewhere we're at.

If you could smilefor me, please?

Smile right now?Mm-hmm.

Um...

Okay, can I seesome teeth, please?

All right, we havea lot of work to do,

But it's nothingwe can't

figure out by the endof the session.

And-- and how long isthe session? I--

Ah, that all depends on howhard you're willing to work.

Um, wha-- what exactlydo we do?

Well, we begin.

Smile, please.

No.Again.

No.

Try this--Cock your head,

and let that lead youinto the smile.

Almost like this.

No.Again.

No.Again.

No.Again.

No.Are you going to offerany suggestions?

You're not evendoing anything!

You're just cockingyour head to the side

and putting your top teethon your bottom lip.

I hate what you're doing.

It's not even a smile.It's not?

No, it's not!

You're sure?

No, I guessI'm not positive.

Yeah, I didn'tthink so.

Do it again, please.Cock, and smile.

No.

Cock, and smile.

No.Cock, and smile.

Good.Cock, and smile.

Better!Cock, and smile.

Yes!

Yes. Perfect.

Congratulations.

Yeah?Yes.

And that is faster than

I've ever seenanyone get it.

You're a real pro.Yeah.

That's great, 'causethe Golden Globes are tonight!

I know.

♪ Let me see you smile

(Paparazzi shouting,cameras clicking)

♪ Baby, when you smile

♪ Smile ♪

(Ali)We're making progress!

Right?(chuckling)

Oh, my God,you're so hot.

(giggling)Just let mego down on you, please.

Yeah. But, I-- I shouldgive you a heads up.

It takes me a while.

(scoffing)I don't mind.

I love it.Have at it.

(chuckling)

♪♪

What the...

(silence)

(clearing throat)

(grunting)

Aah! Aah! Aah!

So, what you'retelling me is...

when I said "I wanta ton of soy sauce,"

what you heard was,"I want two soy sauces"?

That's how it isin the Han province?

♪♪

My God...

It's full of stars!

Oh!

Whoo!

Oh, my God,that was so good.

Ah.

You want to have sex?Listen...

Um, this was great,but, um...

I gotta be up earlyin the morning,

so I'll justlet myself out.

Oh.

Okay.

I am just saying,Israel has the right

to defend itself with forceagainst Hamas,

which is a terroristorganization.

Mm-hmm,and I'm saying,

Israel is equally,if not more, culpable

in their levelof provocation.

Hey, can we maybe justlike keep it light.

It's a Friday.Wine bar.

(all chuckling)

Babe...Okay, okay.

Just for tonight.

There, truce.(Amy)You know what they say:

"Opinions are like buttholes,

everybody's got three!"

(laughter)

Wait, what?

What?"Everybody's got three"?

Three what?You just said,

"Opinions are like buttholes,everybody has three."

Yeah, I mean, you never heardthat expression? It's a--

It's like a famous--

"Opinions arelike buttholes."

Wait, um...

just for fun,just--

how many buttholesdoes everyone have?

Just say it onthe count of three.

Good idea.Mm-hmm.

(Amy)Okay, one, two, three...

(all but Amy)One.Three.

Oh.

Do you guys watch"Vanderpump Rules," or...?

Amy...

What's up?

Do you have three buttholes?

What?Me?

Oh, my God,I-- I--

I was kidding.Like, obviously

I was kidding aroundLike, that's really

weird thatyou're asking me.

It's an expression.It's...

I-- I have the same amountof buttholes you guys have.

How many didyou guys say you had?

Just one.Yes!

Which is whatI have,

One single, solitary,standard--

It's-- It's centered.

Come on!

I have onebutthole, okay?

I have one butthole.

What are you guys,the butthole police?

I mean, you have totell me if you are.

No, we're not thebutthole police, Amy.

I do think we shouldget going, hon.

Yeah, babe,that's a good idea.

Um, we have the sitterat home.

Dude!You guys don't have kids.

Mm-hmm.What do you mean?

Okay, but, I'll justcall you this week, okay?

You left your coats!(man) Uh, keep them!

(chuckling)That was weird.

(awkward chuckle)So, what do you say?

You want to getout of here?

You can play melike a flute?

A little Jethro Tull...on my buttholes?

♪ Aqualung

♪ Do do doo,do do doo ♪Okay...

I don't think we shouldsee each other anymore.

Why?What?

Connor, look at me!

I'm looking.Oh.

Is this aboutmy three buttholes?

Yeah!

Tell me the truth.

I can't be any clearer.

Be real with me.

Is this aboutmy three buttholes?

This is the realestI've ever been with you.

It's about your threebuttholes.

That you don'tlike them?

I really amgonna go now.

But... take care.

Yeah,it's definitely three.

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