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Cock Magic

There are illegal goings-on in the basement of City Wok. (21:27)

>> HEY, GUYS, THANKS.

SUPPORT YOUR TEAM?

THANK YOU.

HEY, GUYS, DID YOU GET ONE OF

THESE?

HOPE YOU CAN MAKE IT.

>> WHAT'S THIS?

>> THE GIRLS VOLLEYBALL TEAM HAS

A BIG GAME TONIGHT, AND WE'RE

JUST ASKING FOR PEOPLE TO COME

CHEER US ON.

>> GIRLS VOLLEYBALL?

[ STIFLED LAUGHTER ]

>> UH, SORRY.

WE'RE ACTUALLY BUSY.

>> WHAT'S WRONG WITH SUPPORTING

GIRLS ATHLETICS?

>> DUDE, GIRLS SHOULD TOTALLY BE

ALLOWED TO PLAY SPORTS.

YOU JUST CAN'T EXPECT PEOPLE TO

WANT TO WATCH.

OKAY? ALL RIGHT.

>> YOU KNOW, WE'RE ACTUALLY IN

THE PLAYOFFS, AND ALL WE KEEP

HEARING IS, "WE'RE TOO BUSY."

>> BUT WE ACTUALLY ARE BUSY.

TONIGHT'S THE BIG FIGHT.

>> WHAT FIGHT?

>> DUDE, KENNY IS FIGHTING

SLAUGHTERHOUSE TONIGHT.

I MEAN, NO OFFENSE, BUT WE'RE

NOT GONNA MISS THE FIGHT

FOR...GIRLS VOLLEYBALL.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> YEAH, SO, SORRY YOU'RE NOT

GETTING ANY SPECTATORS, BUT

THERE'S HARD-CORE DUDE SHIT TO

WATCH.

>> [ BREATHING HEAVILY ]

ALL RIGHT, I'M GOING TO PLAY A

FIFTH MANA CARD.

AND THEN I'M GOING TO ATTACK

WITH MY ELDERBEAST.

HOLD ON.

WAIT.

HOLD ON.

[ INHALES SHARPLY ]

>> CAN KENNY BLOCK HIS

ELDERBEAST?

>> NOT WITH HIS SHAPESHIFTER.

IT'S ALREADY TAPPED.

>> THIS ASSHOLE NEEDS TO MAKE A

MOVE ALREADY.

>> QUIET IN THE PEANUT GALLERY,

PLEASE.

>> I AM ATTACKING, BUT WITH A

NEWLY SUMMONED SPARK GHAST WHO

HAS TRAMPLE.

FOUR DAMAGE TO YOUR

PLANESWALKER.

>> OHH!

>> OH, NO! KENNY!

>> Shh!

>> BUT HE'S DYING!

>> WHAT'S THAT?

>> HE'S PLAYING AN ENCHANTMENT.

>> THIS LATE?

>> HE'S JUST STACKED HIS

SHAPESHIFTER WITH AN ELVEN

BLADE!

>> I CAN BLOCK THAT WITH

UPROOTED MINOTAUR!

>> OHH!

>> SERENDIB SORCERER UNBLOCKED.

WINNER -- McKORMICK!

>> YEAH!

>> NO!

>> DUDE, IT WAS COMPLETE

BRUTALITY.

>> YOU NEVER SEEN ANYTHING SO

RUTHLESS.

>> IT WAS SERIOUSLY ALMOST HARD

TO WATCH.

>> AT ONE POINT, KENNY ACTUALLY

POLYMORPHED THE DUDE INTO A BLUE

FROG WITH AN INSTANT ATTACK

CARD.

IT WAS CARNAGE, BRO.

>> WENDY, DID YOU HEAR ABOUT

LAST NIGHT?

>> YEAH, I HEARD THE GIRLS

VOLLEYBALL TEAM WON BY LIKE

20 POINTS.

>> NOT THAT.

DID YOU ACTUALLY GO TO THAT?

>> YEAH. YOU SHOULD SHOW YOUR

SUPPORT, TOO, SOMETIME.

>> [ SCOFFS ] WHATEVER.

>> DUDE, I DON'T THINK YOU

PEOPLE ARE APPRECIATING THIS.

IT WAS SUCH "PWNAGE," IT WAS

ALMOST REPULSIVE.

>> HEY! Psst!

COME OVER HERE.

YOU GUYS LIKE HARDCORE STUFF,

HUH?

>> YEAH, WE LIKE HARDCORE STUFF.

WE'RE [BLEEP] DUDES, BRO.

>> YEAH, WELL, YOU BOYS WANT TO

GET IN ON SOME REAL ACTION?

IF YOU LIKE EXCITEMENT.

I'M NOT TALKING THAT LITTLE BOY

STUFF.

I'M TALKING REAL MAN SHIT.

>> WE'RE MEN.

>> WELL, THEN, IF YOU WANT TO

SEE REAL FIGHTS WITH REAL

BRUTALITY, GO HERE.

THIS IS THE UNDERGROUND STUFF,

SO KEEP IT QUIET.

AND YOU MIGHT WANT TO PACK A

BARF BAG.

>> COOL.

>> SHOULD BE THE NEXT ONE --

2778 MALA VISTA DRIVE.

WAIT. THIS IS CITY WOK.

>> WHAT'S EXCITING AND HARD-CORE

ABOUT CITY SHRIMP?

>> IT DOESN'T EVEN LOOK LIKE

THEY'RE OPEN.

[ DOOR BANGING ]

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]

>> WE CROSE!

WE CROSE FOR THE NIGHT!

GO AWAY, PREASE!

>> UH, MITCHELL THE JANITOR SENT

US.

>> YOU PORICE?

>> RMH?

>> DUDE, DO WE LOOK LIKE POLICE?

>> OKAY, COME ON. COME ON.

FIVE DARA.

FIVE DARA EACH!

COME ON! FIVE DARA!

>> FIVE DARA?!

>> YOU GO DOWN.

GO DOWN, FIND SEAT.

WE IN THE SIXTH FIGHT.

GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO!

[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ]

[ ROOSTERS CLUCKING ]

>> SCRAMBLES PLAYS A BLACK SWAMP

MANA CARD.

FLUFFY COUNTERS WITH A MANA CARD

OF HIS OWN.

AND HE PLAYS A FUGITIVE WIZARD!

[ CROWD OOHs ]

MORE MANA FROM SCRAMBLES.

AND, YES, THAT IS CRIPPLING

BLIGHT!

CRIPPLING BLIGHT TO THE FUGITIVE

WIZARD!

CREATURE NOW HAS MINUS ONE TO

STRENGTH AND DEFENSE!

MORE MANA FROM FLUFFY.

NOW HE'LL ATTACK WITH FUGITIVE

WIZARD.

AND THERE'S AN INSTANT ATTACK

FROM SCRAMBLES!

THAT IS PEEL FROM REALITY!

FUGITIVE WIZARD IS LITERALLY

TORN APART FROM THE

BATTLEGROUND!

>> WHOA!

>> THE MANA IS FLYING NOW, AS

BOTH ROOSTERS PLAY SORCERY

SPELLS!

IT'S MASS CALCIFY AGAINST INTO

THE VOID!

>> DUDE, THAT WAS TOTAL CARNAGE.

>> THAT WAS FREAKING HARDCORE.

>> CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT ROOSTER

PLAYED A KALONIAN TWINGROVE WITH

HALF HIS MANA TAPPED?

>> IT WAS JUST DECIMATION.

>> IT WAS REALLY ABOUT THE MOST

MAN THING I THINK WE'VE EVER

BEEN A PART OF.

>> WE'RE GOING AGAIN ON FRIDAY,

RIGHT?

>> HELL, YEAH!

>> WHAT'S THE MATTER, KENNY?

>> MRPH RMHMHM.

RMH RMPHM...RM.

>> WHAT'S MEAN ABOUT IT?

>> MRPH RMHMHM RM MRPH RMH

RMPHM.

>> YOU FEEL BAD FOR THE

ROOSTERS?

>> RM. MRPH RMH RMPHM MRPH

RMHMHM.

>> LOOK, WHO'S TO SAY THE

ROOSTERS DON'T WANT TO PLAY?

I MEAN, THEY WERE GOING AT IT

PRETTY HARD.

>> YEAH. MAYBE THAT'S JUST KIND

OF WHAT THEY DO NATURALLY.

>> GUYS, I THINK MAYBE KENNY'S A

LITTLE HURT BECAUSE HE WAS THE

BIG MAGIC CHAMPION AND NOW

CHICKENS ARE STEALING HIS

THUNDER.

>> RM.

>> HUH? A LITTLE BIT?

>> RM!

>> DUDE, YOU KNOW WHAT WE SHOULD

DO?

WE SHOULD ALL GO IN ON A

ROOSTER.

>> DUDE, TOTALLY.

WITH KENNY'S MAGIC SKILLS, WE

COULD PROBABLY KICK SERIOUS ASS!

>> WHAT DO YOU THINK, KENNY?

WOULD THAT MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER,

HUH?

COME ON.

WHERE'S THAT SMILE?

WHERE'S THAT SMILE, KENNY?

I THINK HE'S SMILING, YOU GUYS.

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]

>> HELLO, MR. McKORMICK.

SURPRISED TO SEE US?

>> WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

>> LET'S CUT THE CRAP, HUH?

WE KNOW THERE'S AN ILLEGAL COCK

MAGIC RING GOING ON IN TOWN.

WE JUST WANT TO KNOW WHO'S

LEADING IT.

>> WHAT'S COCK MAGIC?

>> RIGHT.

ROOSTERS ARE BEING FORCED

AGAINST THEIR WILL TO PLAY

"MAGIC: THE GATHERING," AND YOU

KNOW NOTHING ABOUT IT BECAUSE

YOU'RE WHITE.

LET'S GET SOMETHING STRAIGHT.

COCK MAGIC ISN'T AN ASIAN THING

OR A MEXICAN THING.

WHITE PEOPLE DO IT, TOO, IF

THEY'RE POOR ENOUGH.

YOU GOT A JUNKED CAR IN YOUR

FRONT YARD, MR. McKORMICK.

CARE TO TELL US WHERE THE

COCK-MAGIC FIGHTS ARE BEING

HELD?

>> I DON'T GO TO ANY COCK-MAGIC

FIGHTS.

>> DO YOU HAVE SYMPATHY AT ALL

FOR THE ANIMALS, MR. McKORMICK?

CAN YOU IMAGINE BEING KEPT IN A

SMALL CAGE, BARELY ABLE TO TURN

AROUND, AND THEN FINALLY LET

OUT, ONLY TO BE BLASTED BY

ARCTIC ICE SPELLS AND BY

LEGENDARY CREATURE CARDS?

IT'S ILLEGAL, AND IT'S WRONG.

AND ANYONE I FIND INVOLVED WITH

THIS FILTH IS GOING DOWN!

>> NOW, I DON'T WANT TO LECTURE

ANYBODY, BUT WHAT YOU BOYS ARE

GETTING INVOLVED IN IS

DANGEROUS.

>> DAD, IT'S NOT THAT BIG A

DEAL.

>> IT IS A BIG DEAL, OKAY?

PEOPLE CAN GET HURT.

BELIEVE IT OR NOT, I WAS INTO

COCK MAGIC BACK IN COLLEGE.

>> YOU WERE?

>> YEAH. SO I'M NOT SOME

FUDDY-DUDDY WHO DOESN'T GET IT.

I JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE, IF YOU

BOYS DO IT, YOU DO IT RIGHT AND

SAFELY.

[ THUNK! ]

[ UP-TEMPO PERCUSSION MUSIC

PLAYS ]

[ ZIP! ]

[ SLOOP! ]

>> DAD, THAT'S NOT -- THAT'S NOT

COCK MAGIC.

>> OH? NOT IMPRESSED?

HOW ABOUT THIS?

[ DOORBELL BUZZING ]

>> WHAT IS IT?

>> HELLO?

WE'RE LOOKING TO BUY A ROOSTER

THAT CAN PLAY "MAGIC: THE

GATHERING."

>> NEVER HEARD OF COCK MAGIC OR

ROOSTERS!

>> UH, WE AREN'T COPS OR

ANYTHING.

[ DOOR BUZZES ]

>> COME ON IN THE BACK.

DON'T MIND THE SMELL.

WE ONLY DEAL IN THE HIGHEST

QUALITY POULTRY PLANESWALKERS.

ARE YOU LOOKING FOR A NEW

HAMPSHIRE OR A CORNISH BREED?

>> WE DON'T...REALLY KNOW THE

DIFFERENCE.

>> WELL, YOUR NEW HAMPSHIRE

BROILER CHICKENS ARE THE BEST

FOR WHITE MANA.

THESE HERE HAVE BEEN RAISED TO

PLAY MOSTLY PROTECTION SPELLS

AND DO WELL WITH SORCERY CARDS.

AND HERE YOU GOT YOUR GREEN MANA

NECROMANCERS -- LOTS OF EARTHY

GROWTH AND HINDERING

INCANTATIONS THAT ARE GOOD

AGAINST BLUE- OR BLACK-STACKED

DECKS.

>> YOU THINK THEY'RE HAPPY?

>> DO I THINK THEY'RE HAPPY?

>> YEAH. LIKE, YOU THINK THEY

MIND BEING MADE TO PLAY "MAGIC:

THE GATHERING"?

>> THEY'RE [BLEEP] CHICKENS.

>> WELL, OUR FRIEND HERE HAS

SOME ANIMAL-RIGHTS CONCERNS.

YOU HAVE ANY FREE-RANGE

CHICKENS?

>> FREE-RANGE CHICKENS ARE

PRIMARILY CONTROL-DECK PLAYERS

THAT SLOW THE GAME DOWN WITH

BOARD-CONTROL CARDS.

>> OH, SCREW THE FREE-RANGE

CHICKENS, HUH, KENNY?

>> HEY, HOW ABOUT THIS LITTLE

GUY?

>> THAT ONE'S KIND OF YOUNG.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT KIND OF

CARDS HE PREFERS.

>> THEN HE'S PERFECT FOR US.

>> WHAT SHOULD WE NAME HIM,

KENNY?

I KNOW.

HOW ABOUT McNUGGETS?

>> HEY, McNUGGETS.

YOU WANT TO COME PLAY FOR US?

>> [ Deep voice ] "YES, I DO,

YOU GUYS."

OH, WOW.

DID YOU HEAR HIM, KENNY?

>> MOM, WILL YOU TELL DAD TO GET

OUT OF THE BATHROOM?

HE'S BEEN IN THERE FOR AN HOUR!

[ UP-TEMPO PERCUSSION MUSIC

PLAYING ]

>> RANDY?

>> HEY!

HOO!

OOH, THANK YOU!

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]

>> RANDY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

>> OH! NOTHING, SHARON!

JUST GOING TO THE BATHROOM, IF

YOU DON'T MIND.

HEY!

>> RANDY, WHY ARE THERE DRUMS

PLAYING?

>> ALL RIGHT, SHARON.

I'M PRACTICING.

COCK MAGIC IS MAKING A COMEBACK.

>> OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO,

NO.

>> OH, YES, YES, YES, YES, YES,

YES, YES.

SHARON, I DON'T KNOW WHY OR HOW,

BUT PEOPLE ALL OVER TOWN ARE

TALKING ABOUT IT AGAIN.

NOW, YOU KNOW THAT I WAS ONE OF

THE BEST BACK IN COLLEGE.

>> I KNOW THAT'S WHY YOU GOT

KICKED OUT OF COLLEGE.

>> BECAUSE PEOPLE DIDN'T

UNDERSTAND.

PEOPLE WERE AFRAID, SHARON.

BUT NOW CULTURE HAS CAUGHT UP,

AND EVEN OUR SON IS DISCOVERING

WHAT COCK MAGIC HAS TO OFFER.

>> STANLEY?

>> PEOPLE ARE GOING TO DO IT,

SHARON, AND IT'S UP TO THE

PROFESSIONALS TO MAKE SURE IT'S

HANDLED THE RIGHT WAY.

OH!

OH, MY GOSH!

>> REUBEN CASTS SILKLASH SPIDER.

SILKLASH SPIDER CAN BLOCK AS IF

IT HAD FLYING.

[ REUBEN CLUCKING ])péP

AND NOW HE CASTS GEISTFLAME,

DEALING ONE DAMAGE TO McNUGGET.

>> COME ON, McNUGGETS! FIGHT!

>> YOU CAN DO IT, McNUGGETS!

[ MEN ARGUING ]

>> QUIET, PLEASE.

>> WAIT!

[ ARGUING STOPS ]

McNUGGETS HAS CAST PUNISHING

FIRE ABSORBING THE GEISTFLAME

AND DEALING TWO DAMAGE TO THE

OPPONENT!

GAME, SET, AND MATCH, McNUGGETS!

>> WHOA!

[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ]

>> ALL RIGHT!

>> YEAH!

>> ALL RIGHT, McNUGGETS!

DID WE PICK THE RIGHT ROOSTER OR

WHAT?

>> THAT WAS GODDAMN MANLY.

I MEAN, NO OFFENSE TO KENNY, BUT

THAT SHIT MADE REGULAR "MAGIC:

THE GATHERING" LOOK LIKE GIRLS

VOLLEYBALL.

>> EXCUSE ME.

THAT WAS PRETTY IMPRESSIVE DOWN

THERE.

YOU BOYS HAVE A NICE COCK.

>> THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH.

>> I'VE NEVER SEEN A ROOSTER

THROW DOWN SPELLS WITH SUCH RAW

BRUTALITY.

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO MOVE HIM

UP TO THE BIG TIME?

>> YOU MEAN THERE'S MORE TO

THIS?

>> OH, YES.

AND I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT THE

BASEMENT OF SOME SEEDY CHINESE

RESTAURANT.

I'M TALKING ABOUT THE BASEMENT

OF A WELL-ESTABLISHED CHINESE

FRANCHISE.

SATURDAY NIGHT. HERE'S THE

ADDRESS.

LET'S SEE WHAT KIND OF MONEY

YOUR COCK CAN REALLY MAKE.

>> GEE, THANKS.

>> YOU HEAR THAT, McNUGGETS?

YOU'RE GOING TO THE BIG LEAGUES.

[ CHILDREN YELLING ]

>> OKAY, KIDS.

IT'S TIME FOR OUR BIRTHDAY SHOW.

EVERYONE, LET'S BE QUIET NOW.

COME ON.

>> YAY! A SHOW, A SHOW!

>> DO YOU KIDS LIKE MAGIC?

>> YEAH! YAY! YEAH!

>> OKAY, WELL, LET'S ALL GIVE A

CHEER FOR THE AMAZINGLY RANDI!

>> HEY, KIDS, ARE WE HAVING FUN?

OH, WHERE'D MY HAT GO?

ANYONE SEEN MY HAT?

>> OKAY. THE MAGICIAN STARTED.

LET'S GET THE CAKE READY.

>> NOW, SOME OF YOU MIGHT THINK

THAT THIS IS A LITTLE CRAZY.

BUT IF YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC...

YOU'LL FIND THAT -- OW!

[ CHILDREN SCREAMING ]

OW! OH, GOD!

CAN SOMEBODY HELP?! PLEASE!

>> [ CHUCKLES ] THEY'RE GETTING

A KICK OUT OF THE MAGICIAN, HUH?

[ SCREAMING CONTINUES ]

>> WON'T SOMEBODY HELP ME OUT?!

GET SOMEONE! YOU! LITTLE GIRL!

CAN YOU PLEASE JUST -- JUST

CHECK BEHIND YOUR EAR?

[ GIRL SCREAMS ]

OH, IT WAS BEHIND HER EAR.

[ CHILDREN CRYING ]

AND THERE WE GO.

WE'RE ALL BETTER, AND I AM THE

AMAZINGLY RANDI.

THANK YOU.

[ CHILDREN BOOING ]

>> I HATE YOU!

>> DUDE, IT WAS SO BADASS.

OUR GUY SLAUGHTERED EVERY OTHER

FIGHTER THERE, AND NOW HE'S

MOVING UP TO THE REAL HARD-CORE

SHIT.

>> IT WAS SERIOUSLY ABOUT THE

GREATEST NIGHT OF OUR LIVES.

>> WHERE WAS ALL THIS?

>> WE CAN'T TELL YOU, BRO.

IT'S, LIKE, HARD-CORE,

UNDERGROUND SHIT.

>> YEAH. YOU GOT TO KNOW PEOPLE.

>> DANG IT. I WISH I KNEW

PEOPLE.

>> ALL RIGHT, KIDS.

BEFORE WE GET STARTED, THE COACH

OF THE GIRLS' VOLLEYBALL TEAM IS

HERE AND WOULD LIKE TO SAY A FEW

WORDS.

>> THANK YOU, MR. GARRISON.

LISTEN, UH...LAST NIGHT, WE HAD

A PRETTY BIG GAME AGAINST

EVERGREEN.

THE GIRLS REALLY HAMMERED THEM,

BUT ONCE AGAIN, WE'RE, UH, A

LITTLE DISAPPOINTED IN THE

TURNOUT.

>> OH, JESUS. GIVE IT A REST

ALREADY.

>> [ CHUCKLES ] YEAH.

>> YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU PUT YOUR

ALL INTO SOMETHING, IT'S KIND OF

A BUMMER WHEN PEOPLE DON'T SEEM

TO CARE.

KIND OF MAKES YOU FEEL LIKE THE

SPORT YOU LOVE IS BECOMING A

JOKE.

>> DUDE, GIRLS' VOLLEYBALL ISN'T

A JOKE.

JOKES ARE HARD AND REQUIRE

SKILL.

>> OH! [ LAUGHS ]

[ CHUCKLING ]

>> FANTASTIC GIRLS' VOLLEYBALL

JOKE, STAN.

[ CHUCKLES ]

>> THE GIRLS WANTED TO SAY

SOMETHING, SO WE'RE NOW GONNA

HEAR A FEW WORDS FROM THE

CAPTAIN OF THE GIRLS' VOLLEYBALL

TEAM.

>> HEY, GUYS.

THESE GAMES COMING UP ARE REALLY

BIG, AND IT WOULD MEAN A LOT TO

US IF YOU COULD TRY AND MAKE IT.

THANKS.

>> Dude, Wendy plays volleyball.

Did you know that?

I don't think you knew that.

[ POLICE RADIO CHATTER ]

>> AND THEN HE, UH, TOOK HIS

PENIS FROM BEHIND OUR DAUGHTER'S

EAR AND, UH, WE, UH -- THAT'S

WHEN WE SAW HIM WITH, UH, THE

THREE RINGS AND HIS PENIS.

HE WAS PULLING IT THROUGH THEM

SOMEHOW.

>> UH-HUH.

AND WHAT ABOUT THE COCK MAGIC.

WHERE WAS THAT?

>> THAT'S WHAT I'M TELLING YOU.

IT WAS RIGHT HERE.

EXCEPT -- EXCEPT FOR THE THING

WHERE HE POURED THE MILK INTO

HIS PENIS.

HE DID THAT OVER THERE.

>> ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

LET'S TRY AND FOCUS.

WHAT KIND OF DECKS WERE THEY

USING?

>> DECKS?

>> WHO? THERE -- THERE WEREN'T

ANY DECKS.

>> OH. I GET IT NOW.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE PENALTY IS

FOR CALLING IN A FALSE

COCK-MAGIC REPORT?

>> [ Crying ] I'M SO CONFUSED,

BABE.

>> WHO PAID YOU TO CALL US AND

TAKE OUR FOCUS AWAY FROM THE

INVESTIGATION?

WHAT COLOR WERE THEY?

>> NOBODY PAID US ANYTHING!

NOW, THERE HAS BEEN A CRIME

HERE, AND YOU BETTER DO

SOMETHING ABOUT IT!

>> AGREED.

WHO FIRST CALLED 911?

>> [ Crying ] PLEASE! DON'T TAKE

ME AWAY FROM MY CHILD!

>> [ Crying ] MOMMY!

>> THIS IS IT. 1421 PLAZA DE

ESTEREOTIPO.

>> WOW. HERE WE ARE, McNUGGETS.

YOU'VE REACHED THE BIG TIME.

[ KNOCKS ]

>> SORRY. PANDA EXPRESS IS

CROSED.

WE CROSED.

>> YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

WE'RE HERE FOR THE COCK MAGIC.

>> OH, OKAY. COME ON. TEN DORA.

TEN DORA.

>> TEN DORA?!

[ CROWD CHEERING ]

>> FOR THE NEXT ROUND, IT IS

GADNUK, BREAKER OF WORLDS,

VERSUS CLUCKY.

>> WHO IS THAT?

>> THAT'S GADNUK, BREAKER OF

WORLDS.

[ GADNUK CLUCKS ]

HE'S NEVER LOST A FIGHT.

HELL, HE'S NEVER EVEN LOST ONE

HEALTH.

>> WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

IS HE A RED MAGE OR A GREEN

MAGE?

>> DUDE, HE'S, LIKE, A BEAST.

HE'S GOT MORE LEGENDARY CREATURE

CARDS THAN I'VE EVER SEEN.

>> McNUGGETS IS SCARED! HE

DOESN'T WANT TO PLAY!

>> McNUGGETS IS SCARED, DUDE.

CAN YOU STACK HIS DECK WITH MORE

MANA?

CAN YOU STACK McNUGGETS' DECK

WITH MORE MANA?!

>> HE DIDN'T STAND A CHANCE.

NOT ONE SPELL CAST BEFORE HE WAS

OBLITERATED BY HEALTH DRAINS.

THAT THING ISN'T HUMAN!

[ GADNUK CLUCKS ]

>> ALL RIGHT. YOUR ROOSTER'S UP

NEXT, BOYS.

>> I DON'T THINK HE WANTS TO

PLAY, DUDE.

>> HE DOESN'T HAVE A CHOICE.

>> BUT THIS ISN'T EVEN A FIGHT.

THIS IS JUST...A SLAUGHTER.

>> WHAT DO YOU THINK ALL THESE

PEOPLE ARE HERE TO SEE?

>> HOLY SHIT, DUDE!

DUDE, WE FORFEIT! WE FORFEIT!

>> THE HELL YOU DO!

GET YOUR COCK IN THERE.

>> YOU'RE WATCHING ESPN ILLEGAL,

YOUR SOURCE FOR BULL FIGHTING,

DOG FIGHTING, AND COCK MAGIC.

>> [ British accent ] AND A WARM

WELCOME BACK TO THE COCK MAGIC

CHAMPIONSHIPS.

CERTAINLY AN ELECTRIC ATMOSPHERE

HERE IN THE BASEMENT OF PANDA

EXPRESS.

THE FIGHT WE WERE EXPECTING, OF

COURSE -- GADNUK, BREAKER OF

WORLDS, VERSUS 10-MONTH-OLD

CORNISH ROOSTER McNUGGETS.

IN A COMPLETE SHOCKER, THE

CHALLENGER, McNUGGETS, HAS BEEN

SCRATCHED, AND SUBSTITUTING FOR

HIM IS 9-YEAR-OLD KENNY

McCORMICK.

NEVER A DULL MOMENT IN THE

ILLEGAL SPORT OF COCK MAGIC.

LET'S REJOIN THE BATTLE NOW AS

WE WAIT FOR GADNUK'S SIX MOVE.

GADNUK, BREAKER OF WORLDS, PLAYS

A CREATURE CARD.

>> JESUS, PARAGON OF FIERCE

DEFIANCE.

NOW EVERY RED CREATURE GADNUK

PLAYS WILL HAVE A PLUS-ONE

ATTACK.

[ CROWD OOHs ]

>> COME ON, KENNY.

[ GADNUK CLUCKS ]

>> WHAT DID HE PLAY?

DID HE TAP ALL HIS MANA?

>> DUDE, HE JUST CAST

PSYCHOGENIC PROBE.

NOW EVERY TIME THE OTHER ROOSTER

HAS TO SHUFFLE HIS DECK, HE

LOSES TWO HEALTH.

>> HE JUST HAD TO SHUFFLE IT.

>> DID YOU HEAR THAT?

HE'S SHUFFLING THE DECK ALREADY.

THE ONLY THING HE'S GOT ON THE

BATTLEGROUND NOW IS AN OVERSEER.

>> DOES AN OVERSEER HAVE

TRAMPLE?

DOES AN OVERSEER HAVE TRAMPLE?!

>> A SECOND ELVISH MYSTIC NOW,

AND GADNUK ATTACKS WITH MERCIFUL

PRETENDER.

McCORMICK SENDS CHARGING RHINO

TO THE GRAVEYARD.

HE'S DESPERATE NOW.

NOT TOO MUCH HE CAN -- OH! AND

HE'S JUST LAID DOWN LIFE'S

LEGACY!

[ CROWD OOHs]

THAT WAS NOT EXPECTED!

GADNUK DOESN'T KNOW WHAT HIT

HIM!

McCORMICK FOLLOWS WITH CRACKLING

DOOM AND ABZAN BATTLE PRIEST!

>> HOLY SHIT, DUDE!

>> GADNUK TRIES TO BLOCK WITH

LIVING TOTEM, BUT -- OH!

THERE IS TERRA STOMPER! THIS IS

ABSOLUTE SAVAGERY!

FRENZIED GOBLIN HAS BEEN SENT TO

THE GRAVEYARD, AND NOW THERE IS

NO ONE TO BLOCK PEARL LAKE

ANCIENT!

MY GOD! SOMEONE HAS TO PUT A

STOP TO THIS!

[ GADNUK CLUCKS ]

>> FREEZE!

WELL, WELL.

LOOKS LIKE I FINALLY CAUGHT THE

BIG BOYS.

YOU'RE ALL GOING TO JAIL FOR A

LONG TIME, ESPECIALLY YOU, SCUM

BAG!

>> LOUSY COPS.

HOW DID YOU FIND US?

>> WE SAW YOUR FLYERS.

"PANDA EXPRESS. COCK MAGIC AT

9:00 P.M."

>> WE DIDN'T PUT THOSE FLYERS

OUT.

>> AND NOW, FOR YOUR HALF-TIME

ENTERTAINMENT, PLEASE WELCOME

THE INCOMPARABLE, THE BEAUTIFUL,

THE AMAZINGLY RANDI.

>> UH, DUDE, YOUR DAD'S HERE.

[ MUSIC STOPS ]

>> THANK YOU. HEY.

YOU KNOW, WE LIVE IN A WORLD OF

BRUTALITY AND VIOLENCE.

AND SOME PEOPLE THINK THERE'S NO

ROOM FOR WONDER ANYMORE.

WELL, JUST FOR A MOMENT, I WANT

YOU TO THINK ONE THING --

WHATEVER YOU BELIEVE IS REAL, IS

REAL.

I'M A BARBIE GIRL IN A BARBIE

WORLD LIFE IN PLASTIC, IT'S

FANTASTIC COME ON, BARBIE, LET'S

GO PARTY AH, AH, AH, YEAH.

COME ON, BARBIE, LET'S GO PARTY

OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH

[ CLAPPING ]

COME ON, BARBIE, LET'S GO PARTY

AH, AH, AH, YEAH COME ON,

BARBIE, LET'S GO PARTY OOH, OOH,

OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH MAKE ME WALK,

EW.

>> ALL RIGHT.

FOR THIS LAST BIT, I'M GONNA

NEED A VOLUNTEER.

ANYBODY?

>> I'LL VOLUNTEER.

>> ALL RIGHT. COME ON UP HERE.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

>> I'M DETECTIVE HARRIS, SOUTH

PARK POLICE.

>> ALL RIGHT. A HAND FOR

DETECTIVE HARRIS.

[ SCATTERED APPLAUSE ]

YOU KNOW, IF THERE'S ONE THING I

COULD LEAVE YOU ALL WITH, IT'S

THIS.

LET COCK MAGIC BE DONE BY THE

PROFESSIONALS.

SIR?

[ DRUM ROLL ]

[ HISSING ]

[ GUN COCKS ]

[ RIM SHOT ]

[ APPLAUSE ]

[ ZIPS ]

>> IT WAS SO HARD-CORE, YOU

GUYS.

KENNY LAID WASTE TO GADNUK,

BREAKER OF WORLDS.

IT GOT SO OUT OF HAND THAT THE

[BLEEP] COPS HAD TO COME AND

BREAK IT UP.

>> WOW! THE COPS CAME?

>> YEAH. IT WAS SERIOUSLY THE

MOST MANLY THING THAT'S EVER

HAPPENED.

>> KENNY GLACIAL CRASHER, AND

THEN STAN'S DAD SHOT HIS DICK

OFF.

I JUST -- I SERIOUSLY DON'T KNOW

WHERE WE GO FROM HERE.

YOU ALL RIGHT, KENNY?

>> MRPH RMH RMPHM.

MRPH RMH RMH RMPHM MRPH RMPHM.

>> HEY, YEAH. WHAT ABOUT POOR

McNUGGETS?

WHAT'S HE GONNA DO NOW?

>> WAIT A MINUTE.

I'VE GOT IT, YOU GUYS.

>> GOT WHAT?

>> A WAY TO FINALLY DO SOMETHING

GOOD FOR OTHER PEOPLE.

>> SOUTH PARK SERVES, AND

McNUGGETS PLAYS A PLAINS LAND

CARD.

1-0, SOUTH PARK.

[ SCATTERED APPLAUSE ÕsH

ANOTHER SERVE.

AND MCNUGGETS SUMMONS

DAWNTREADER ELK.

ONE SOUTH PARK PLAYER IS

ELIMINATED.

YOU, THE GIRL WITH THE

PONYTAILS -- YOU ARE DEAD.

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