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First Ladies

Frances Cleveland uses her public image for good, Edith Wilson acts as president after her husband has a stroke, and Dolley Madison saves American artifacts from destruction. (22:39)

GONNA BE THE MAIN BITCH.

THE PRESS FREAKED OUT.

SO, LIKE, GROVER WAS LIKE,OKAY.

WELL, I WILL BE FULLY COMMITTEDTO A CERTAIN WOMAN,

I WILL BE FULLY COMMITTEDTO A WOMAN

THAT'S MY HUSBAND--WIFE.

[laughs]

WAIT, WHAT WAS I SAYING?

I DIDN'T EAT TODAY.THAT'S SO BAD.

- WE NEED TO GET SOME FOODIN YOU.

- OKAY, WAIT.LET'S SEE YOU.

OH, HONEY.CUTE.

OH, I'M SO PROUD OF YOU.

ONE, PLACE"FROGEN" NUGGETS.

FROZEN.

OKAY.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

- WHAT DO YOU THINK?- KILLING IT.

[laughter]

- SO, LIKE, THEY DID THAT,

AND THE PRESSWAS, LIKE, HOUNDING.

LIKE, THIS WAS THE FIRST TIMETHAT SOME PRESIDENT,

LIKE, MARRIED A GIRL

WHILE HE WASIN THE WHITE HOUSE.

SHE WAS KIND OF LIKEAN IT GIRL.

LIKE, EVERY TIME SHE WASON A MAGAZINE COVER,

THEY WOULD MOVE MAD UNITS.

IT'S LIKE HER IMAGEWAS REALLY EXPLOITED,

AND PEOPLE WERE PUTTING HEREVERYWHERE AND EVERYTHING

FROM, LIKE,HOUSEHOLD CLEANING PRODUCTS

TO, LIKE,SMALL PERSONAL ITEMS.

LIKE, PILL BOXES,WOODEN THINGS,

BECAUSE THEY FELT THAT,LIKE, YEAH,

THIS GIRL WILL SELL [bleep],

BUT SHE WAS LIKE, WHATEVER.

YOU GUYS CAN, LIKE,BASTARDIZE ME

AND TURN ME INTO

ALL OF THESE DIFFERENTCOMMERCIAL PRODUCTS,

BUT, LIKE, ACTUALLY I'MA COLLEGE-EDUCATED WOMAN.

I'M PUT TOGETHER, AND, LIKE,PEOPLE ARE INTERESTED IN ME

IN A WAY THATTHEY HAVEN'T BEEN INTERESTED

IN OTHER FIRST LADIES,

AND I'M GONNA, LIKE,BLOW THAT UP.

LIKE, IF EVERYONE'S GONNA BEPAYING ATTENTION TO ME,

LET'S MAKE SURETHEY'RE PAYING ATTENTION TO ME

FOR THE RIGHT REASONS.

AND BY THE WAY, I WOULDLIKE TO BE CALLED FRANK.

I MEAN, YOU CAN CALL ME FRANCES

OR YOU CAN CALL ME FRANK,BUT MOSTLY FRANK.

- THAT'S PRETTY COOL--A GIRL SAYING

SHE WANTS TO BE CALLEDFRANK.

- I MEAN,THAT'S THE THING IS,

LIKE, SHE WASA DOWN-ASS BITCH.

LIKE, SHE'S LIKE,EVERY SINGLE SATURDAY,

I'M GOING TO MEET WITHTHE WORKING WOMEN OF WASHINGTON,

AND THERE WOULD BELINES FORMING OUTSIDE

OF THE WHITE HOUSE.

AND FRANCES CLEVELAND, LIKE,

SAW TWO YOUNG GIRLSEATING OUT OF--

OUT OFA DUMPSTER ONE DAY.

SHE'S LIKE, THAT'S NOT RIGHT.

LIKE, THIS IS NOT RIGHT.

AND SO SHE STARTEDA CHARITY CALLED, LIKE,

THE HOME FOR FRIENDLESSCOLORED GIRLS.

I'M GONNA SAY, LIKE, THAT'SA BRUTAL NAME FOR A CHARITY.

[dog growls]

- SHH.

CAN YOU BE QUIET?WAIT ONE SECOND.

OKAY, THAT'S GOOD.[dog growls]

BUT SHE HAD ALL THIS [bleep]GOING ON.

HEY, GUYS.[claps]

EXCUSE ME.

MY HUSBAND, THE PRESIDENT--

HE'S VERY TIRED,

AND HE WILL BE RESTING.

HE'S VERY TIRED,SO HE NEEDS TO REST.

BUT AT THIS POINT,THE CONGRESS WAS LIKE,

THE PRESIDENT HASN'TCOME OUTSIDE IN A COUPLE WEEKS.

WHAT'S HE DOING?

AND SO THEY KNOCK ON THE DOOR,LIKE, 'SCUSE ME!

IT'S ME, CONGRESS.

WE'RE HAVING A FEELING THAT--

I DON'T EVEN KNOWWHAT WE'RE FEELING,

BUT CAN YOU TALK TO US?

AND SHE'S LIKE,NO, HE'S JUST SUPER TIRED.

HE HAS EXHAUSTION.LIKE, DON'T BOTHER HIM.

GET OUT OF HERE, CONGRESS.

AND THATACTUALLY QUIETED PEOPLE.

IT ACTUALLY QUIETEDTHE CONGRESS.

AND SHE EVEN WENT TO CONGRESS

AND WAS LIKE,HEY, NO BIG DEAL.

I'M GIVING HIM EVERYTHINGYOU'RE SAYING, CONGRESS.

I'M GIVING HIM ALLTHE LETTERS AND OTHER THINGS.

SO, WHAT DO YOU GUYS THINKOF THIS RULE

OR A LAW OR THINGTHAT WE'RE WORKING ON?

AND THEY'D BE LIKE,WHATEVER, WE THINK THIS.

AND THEN SHE'D BRING ITTO WOODROW WHO WAS LIKE,

HALF AWAKE,AND SHE'D BE LIKE, ALL RIGHT.

WELL, CONGRESS IS LIKE,BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

AND HE'D BE LIKE...[mumbles indistinctly]

AND SHE WAS LIKE,WELL, I GUESS I'LL COMPROMISE.

I'M JUST GONNA [bleep]MAKE THE DECI--

[stammers]

MAKE THE DECISIONS MYSELF.

SO BASICALLY, EDITH WILSON WASTHE FIRST FEMALE PRESIDENT.

SHE RAN MEMOS BETWEENCONGRESS AND HIM.

CONGRESS IS LIKE, ALL RIGHT.

WHAT? WHAT?

WHAT IS GOING ON?

SO CONGRESS PICKED THIS ONEREPUBLICAN SENATOR, ALBERT FALL.

THEY'RE LIKE, ALBERT, GO SEEWHAT HIS TRUE CONDITION IS.

GO SEE WHAT WILSON'STRUE CONDITION IS.

SO ALBERT FALL SHOWS UP.

HE'S LIKE, CAN WE COME INAND SEE THE TRUE CONDITION?

SHE'S NOT [bleep] STUPID.SHE'S LIKE YEAH, SURE.

COME ON IN.

SO ALBERT FALL COMES IN.

[dramatic music]

IT WAS LIKE, YEP,HE'S NOT--THIS IS HIM.

MAKING DECISIONS EVERY DAY,

AND NOT I--TAKE THE--THANK YOU, HONEY.

AND I TAKE THE--THE PAPERS FROM HIM

THAT I DON'T UNDERSTAND'CAUSE I'M JUST SOME DUMB BROAD.

AND EDITH JUST PROPPED UPWOODROW IN BED.

LIKE, WAVING, LIKE HEY.

AND THEY'RE LIKE,OH, OKAY. COOL.

AND SHE'S LIKE, BYE.AND THEN THEY LEAVE.

THAT'S HOW DUMB GOVERNMENT IS.

WE HAD A WOMAN [bleep] RUNNINGTHIS COUNTRY,

AND GUESS WHAT?

YOU COULD GO,NOTHING GOOD HAPPENED,

BUT I CAN GO,NOTHING BAD HAPPENED.

9/11 DIDN'T HAPPENON HER WATCH.

DISNEYLAND WITH JOHNNY DEPPAT THE ANI--

THE--HO--THE HAUNTED MANSIONTHAT'S ALL TIM BURTON--

THAT DIDN'T HAPPENON HER WATCH.

CHRISTMASAND HALLOWEEN COMBINED,

A LOT OF THINGS--

- [chuckles]

SO WHEN BRITAIN--WHENTHEY ARRIVED ON THE SHORES,

THIS BRITISH GUYS SHOW UP,AND THEY'RE LIKE, AWESOME.

LIKE, NO ONE'S HERE.

SO WE'LL JUST DROP ANCHOR

AND START TRASHINGTHE PLACE.

WHILE DOLLEY AND JAMES WEREIN THE WHITE HOUSE,

THEY GET WORD THAT HOLY [bleep],THESE GUYS HAVE LANDED,

AND THEY'RE HEADING THIS WAY.

SO JAMES MADISON'S LIKE,YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M GONNA GET ON A HORSE,AND I'M GONNA GO THERE,

AND I'M GONNA BE LIKE,GUESS WHAT?

KNOCK, KNOCK.PRESIDENT'S HERE.

AND SHE'S LIKE,OKAY, SEE YOU FOR DINNER.

JAMES LEAVES.

SHE STAYS IN THE WHITE HOUSEWHILE EVERYBODY ELSE

IN WASHINGTON IS KIND OFBEING PUSSIES AND LEAVING.

AND SHE'S LIKE HOLY [bleep].

JAMES JUST LEFT ON A HORSE,

AND THIS [bleep]'S GOING DOWN.

LIKE, I CAN HEAR CANNONSGOING OFF.

I CAN HEARTHIS [bleep] HAPPENING.

SO DOLLEY WAS LIKE,

TO SHOW WASHINGTONTHAT I'M NOT LEAVING--

EVERYONE ELSE CAN BE PUSSIESAND THEY CAN LEAVE--

I'VE GOT MY SPYGLASS,

AND I'M JUST GONNABE CHECKING THIS [bleep] OUT,

AND I'M GONNA TAKE CAREOF EVERYTHING.

UNTIL THIS GUY KNOCKSON THE DOOR

AND HE'S LIKE,EVERYTHING'S GONE TO [bleep].

THE HUNDRED GUYS THATWERE SECURING THE WHITE HOUSE,

THEY--THEY'RE GONE,'CAUSE THEY'RE PUSSIES.

YOU GOT TO GETTHE [bleep] OUT.

BRITISH ASS[bleep]ARE ABOUT TO COME

TAKE A GIANT DUMPON WASHINGTON,

AND THEY'RE GONNA [bleep]THE WHITE HOUSE UP.

SHE'S LIKE, I GOTTO PACK MY [bleep].

SHE STARTED TAKINGTHE RED VELVET CURTAINS,

SILVER SERVING DISHES,

AND ALL THE CHINAFROM THE WHITE HOUSE,

BUT THEN SHE'S LIKE,THERE'S THIS BEAUTIFUL PORTRAIT

OF GEORGE WASHINGTON.

I'M NOT GONNA LEAVE THAT.

SHE TELLS THE SERVANTS,GET THAT PORTRAIT OUT OF THERE.

AND THEY TOOKTHE PORTRAIT OUT,

AND ONE OF GUYS WAS LIKE,OKAY, I'LL JUST,

LIKE, ROLL IT UP.

AND SHE'S LIKE, NO, GUYS.WE'RE NOT ROLLING IT UP.

YOU KNOW, LIKE,THIS IS NOT--

YOU KNOW, IT'S NOTA JIMI HENDRIX POSTER.

THE BRITISH ARRIVE.

YOU KNOW, THEY'RE JUST LIKE,BURN THIS [bleep] DOWN.

LIKE, BURN THE [bleep]OUT OF IT.

Y'ALL SMILE AND WAVE AT MEREAL QUICK.

[camera shutter clicks]

OKAY, I GOT TO INSTAGRAMTHIS [bleep].

SHE LEAVES, BUT THEN SHE'S LIKE,OH, SNAP.

DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE.

SO SHE TAKES THAT.

I MEAN, IN, LIKE,JUST ENOUGH TIME TO GET OUT.

SO THEY TRASH WASHINGTON.

YOU KNOW, THEY'RE JUST--

THEY'RE JUST REALLY BEINGASS[bleep].

SO DOLLEY MADISON TAKESALL THE IMPORTANT THINGS

THAT MEANT SOMETHINGTO THIS COUNTRY BEFORE SHE LEFT.

SO POST-ALL OF THIS TERRIBLE,YOU KNOW, BURNING UP [bleep],

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