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Demetri Martin: Standup Comedian

  • 09/29/2012
  • views: 11,204

Demetri Martin explains why surprise party goers don't need to tell the birthday boy how to feel, what type of cigarette help people quit and how to halt tap dancers. (41:41)

- I saw a dogwearing a sweater,

and I thoughtthat looked ridiculous

'cause dogsdon't have arms.

If you're gonnaput clothes on a dog,

you should puttwo pairs of pants on it.

See a dog with two pairsof skinny jeans.

That Rottweilerplays bass.

I've never seen bat [bleep],

but if I did, I'd be like,"That's crazy.

"That's some crazy excrementright there.

"That looks like myex-girlfriend's personality.

That's crazy."

Hugsare such a nice thing.

As human beings,we get to hug each other.

That's sucha nice experience.

But it's so easyto make it go wrong.

If you're hugging somebodyand you go,

"Mmm."

Or you could be hugging 'emand just go--

That hug is over.

If I want to get out of a hug,I don't do the pat,

I just go, "beep." They're like,"Okay, I'll see you, uh...

Never. All right,I'll see you never."

That's--That's no good.

I think a tree houseis really insensitive.

That's likekilling something

and then makingone of its friends hold it.

I like silent letters.

When I see a silent letterin a word,

I try to picturewhat happened.

Just a bunch of lettershanging out, and they're like,

"Oh, we gotta gospell this word."

and there's one letter therethat's like,

"Psst. Hey.

I'm gonna comewith you guys."

"What?

That's ridiculous.You're a 'G.'"

"I won't say anything."

"I don't know,what do you guys think?"

"Come on,we'll mess with foreigners.

Like the word, 'foreigners,'that's me in the middle."

We can't get peopleto quit smoking,

and warningsdon't work.

I think you gottachange the cigarettes.

You know what I mean?

If you change the shapeof the cigarettes,

maybe that would do it.

Like, if you had a cigarettethat had, like,

two ballshanging from it.

"This doesn't look as coolas it used to.

I gotta quit.This is ridiculous."

"Surgeon general warning:

cigarette may containtiny, hairy balls."

When somebody commitsa murder-suicide,

that's probably someone

who's not thinking throughthe afterlife.

"Bam! You're dead.

"Bam! I'm dead.

"Oh, hey.

"Oh, [bleep].

This is gonnabe awkward forever."

When there's somebodywho's dead,

and then someonedoes something

that that personwould not have liked,

they say that that personis spinning in their grave,

but I don't understandwhy they say that.

Why is spinning the waythat a corpse shows disapproval?

That doesn't makeany sense.

I mean, if weshowed disapproval

that waywhen we were alive,

then it would make sense.

"Oh, man, I am so pissedat you right now.

You have no ideahow mad I am."

"Oh, [bleep],Demetri's spinning.

Let's get out of here."

If I livedbelow a tap dancer,

I would just putreally powerful magnets

on the ceiling.

"What's that?

"We're not tapping [bleep] now,are we?

"More of a tap standerwe got up there.

"Oh, now we're moving.

"Oh, over to the window.Look at that.

Ah, there we go."

I know a girl who's a tease,but she's not cute enough forthat.

So she's an "annoy."

At the battle of the bands,the loser's always the audience.

[harmonica playing]

I lost my fog machine

'cause I left it runningfor too long.

I don't know how foggot associated with partying.

"This weather isway too dangerous to drive in.

You guys want to dance?"

I can move objects with my mindif I use my hands.

I want to fill a piñatawith actual animal guts.

That's what I calla surprise party, kids.

[harmonica playing]

I said to my friend,"Hey,

can I ask youa trick question?"

He said, "No."I said, "Too late, bitch."

I've met peoplewho are passive-aggressive,

but I never met anyonewho was aggressive-passive.

"I don't want tacos!Maybe."

[harmonica playing]

Most stick peopleare black.

When I was in high school,these twins got mono.

They got stereo.

I'm a man of my word,and that word is "unreliable."

When I take photos,I count to five.

'Cause that's when peoplestart getting real.

At one, they're like,"I'm gonna be in a photo.

I got a face idea.Okay, here it comes."

At two, "here it is."At three...

At four,"What's going on?"

At five, "What the fu--?"Snap.

[harmonica playing][applause]

"What the hellhappened to him?

"I am high right now.

That Dalmatian is fat and smeary."

When the cowsees the Dalmatian,

he must be like,

"He looks amazing.

"I am so out of shape.This is ridiculous.

My titsare on the ground here."

When I first heardthe term "training bra,"

I was freaked out.

I was pretty young,and I said,

"Did you just say'training bra'?

"They're trainingtheir chests?

I had no idea."

You see some lady,her boobs are everywhere.

"What's her deal?"

"Those areuntrained titties."

"What?""You've gotta train 'em

"when they're young,or they go wild.

"You can't have free-range boobsbouncing all over the place.

"She was sittingon the couch,

"one just punched herin the face.

She wasn't even moving."

Sometimes, if a womanhas a really nice butt,

she'll wear tight pants.

Then everybody looks at her buttwhen she walks by.

That's nice,

but it seems like a waste.

Everybody's looking there,

I feel like we shouldput important information

on the butt.

We should put the photos

of missing childrenright on there.

"Damn!

We gotta find that boy."

I go to the gym, and I tryto run on the treadmill.

And I listen to music,

but it doesn'tmotivate me enough.

So I'm gonna geta recording

of a pack of wolvesgaining on me.

People will be like,"Why is that guy crying

on that treadmillover there?"

"I don't know,but he's been yelling 'Help!'

"for, like,20 minutes.

I just thought,

"Good for you."

Sometimes I feel like I'm makinga connection with a stranger,

but then it turns outI'm not.

Like, I was in a mall, and Isaw this lady hitting her kid.

So I went up to her,and I was like, "Yeah, get him!"

She got all mad at me.I was like,

"I'm on your side here."

Sometimes if I reallywant to get someone's attention,

I'll start a sentencewith something like,

"I'm not racist, but..."

I say, "I'm not racist,but you look great today."

They say, "That wasn't racistat all."

I said, "I know.I said I'm not racist.

"You never listen.

Typical Mexican."

[playing harmonica][applause]

I'm just joking. I don't thinkMexicans are bad listeners.

I think Mexicansare good listeners.

But not all Mexicans 'cause thatwould also be racist.

I thinkthe right number of Mexicans

listenthe exact right amount.

It must suckto have just one arm...

Until you get arrested.

"What's that? You're gonna putan uncomfortable bracelet on me?

"I don't care.I'll just swing it around.

Thanks for the weapon,cop."

Thanks so muchfor coming to see me. That's it.

[cheers and applause]

Thank you.

[cheers and applause]

[acoustic guitar music]

[strumming guitarand playing harmonica]

- Cool. I think that's in tuneenough for comedy.

[guitar playing]

When I have a baby,

I want to put anti-aging creamon it right away.

People would be like,"Your baby looks amazing.

Is that a fetus?"

I'll say,"No, it's the cream.

We're getting a startreally early."

"Well, it's working. He doesn'tlook a day over zero."

"Thank you."

I think telemarketerwould be a hard job.

You can't call out sick.

"Hey, it's me.I can't work today."

"Well, you called me."

"[bleep]."

I saw rice milkin the store.

I didn't even knowrice had nipples.

Squeezethose little rice titties.

♪ Rice titties

♪ Rice titties

I never wentbungee jumping.

The closest I didwas I was born.

[harmonica playing]

I wonder if it's rudefor a deaf person

to talk with foodin their hands.

"Dude, put downthat cheeseburger.

That's disgusting."

I think it's coolwhen an ex-girlfriend

becomesand XL-girlfriend.

[harmonica playing]

They probablydon't get a lot of work done

at the bubble wrap factory.

"Separate but equal"is terrible for education,

where, like,

I'm kissing a girland my eyes are closed,

but then for some reason,halfway through the kiss,

I'm like...

and then she opens her eyes,and I'm like...

"Maybe she didn't see me."

What is your excusein that situation?

"What were you doing?"

"I was protecting us."

I was driving down the highwayand I saw a sign that said,

"Live nude girls,"and I was thinking,

"You probablydon't need the 'live.'"

I wasn't even thinkingabout the girls' mortality

until you brought it up.

"Dead nude girls."

"Pull over, man.I'm feeling kind of curious."

"Injured nude girls.""Ooh.

"That's perfect.

"They're still alive,but they can't get away.

Let's go there."

Just a girl in a wheelchair.[laughs]

She's got an IV bag and stuff.Oh.

"Now on the ICU stage,Amber."

I was eating some pizza, andI burnt the roof of my mouth,

and then I thought,"Wait a minute,

"this is the ceilingof my mouth.

"The roof of my mouthis up here.

My head architectureis all messed up..."

Thoughtthe attic of my mouth.

I wish my smoke detectorhad a fajita setting on it.

So when I'm cooking,it's like,

"Boop, boop--[sniffs]Oh, hold up, these are fajitas.

"Let's notbe an [BLEEP] here.

"This is totally fine.

"Let's not make him get upon a stool with a magazine

in front of this girlhe's trying to cook for."

Why is it that peoplewho can eat really spicy food

think that the rest of usgive a [BLEEP]?

I can eat really doughy food,but I don't brag about it

when we sit downfor dinner.

"Yo, can you eat doughy food?

"'Cause I can eatthe doughiest white bread.

You have no idea how chewy--"

One thing I learned is thatit's never okay

to walk through a cemeterydressed as a mummy,

even if that was just,like, a shortcut

on the wayto the costume party.

That is never appreciated.

- When you're a kid, skippingis a perfectly acceptable way

to get around.

But then youget to a certain age,

and it has to stop.

You're not allowedto skip anymore.

It stops cold turkey,

and that's a shamebecause there are situations

where that's a good speed.

It's not running,it's not walking.

You're not jogging,which is tiring,

but it doesn't matterhow perfect

the situation would be for it,it's not allowed, you know?

"Are you okay?I'm gonna get help."

"Did that [bleep]just skip away?

We got a sick man here,you can't go playing games."

"Sir, you dropped your hat.Sir!"

"Keep it."

When it's windy out, I feel likethe world's just being mean.

I'll just be walking,and the world's like,

"Hey, you like air?Yeah?

"Yeah?You need that to breathe?

"There's some [bleep] airright in your face.

There you go."

"Whoa! Too much air.Come on, man."

I don't know why,when someone has great abs,

that's really attractive.

I know that it looks good,

but I don't understandbiologically why that is.

Like, what is it communicating,you know?

Like, you see a guywith great abs, you're like,

"Whoa, that guy could [bleep]really fast."

Wow.[grunts]

It's hard to knowwhat's gay in life, like...

Boxing? That's two guysfighting over a belt.

That seems pretty gay to me--in their underwear.

- Okay. I like to writein coffee shops a lot.

Coffee shops are greatbecause you can sit there

and do people-watchingand just write your ideas down

in your notebookor whatever.

Sometimes I'll be sitting thereat a table,

and there'll be, like,a lady at the table next to me,

and then she'll be like,"Um, excuse me,

"um, can you watch my stufffor a minute?

I have to goto the bathroom."

And I'll go, "Sure...

But I want it."

"What?"

"Your laptop is a newer modelthan the one I have.

"So when you get up,I'm gonna take it.

"Like,as soon as you get up.

"I'm just kidding. Go ahead,I'll watch your stuff,

that's fine."

One thing I likeabout coffee shops

is that they havebulletin boards,

and people can put up flyerson the bulletin boards,

so I started makingmy own flyers,

so I could just put oneor two of 'em up on the way out.

So I wanted to show yousome of the flyers.

For example, "Learn to playguitar and/or with my balls.'

"Not missing:dog, brown with spots.

Energetic, playful,everything's fine. Thanks!"

"Tuter for avelible.

Call pleze."

"For sale: one thesaurus,like new, or fresh,

"novel, unspoiled, recent,unused, green, modish, youthful,

contemporary, now, au courant,spic-and-span."

"So you want to learnhow to play saxophone?

"I can stop you!

Call immediately."

"Free time machine!Call me two weeks ago."

"Babysitter. Available.Experienced. Cheap. Young.

Good at keeping secrets."

"Lead singer wanted.

"Also, guitarist wanted,drummer wanted,

"bass player wanted...whole band wanted.

Have tambourine."

And then nearby,you can put up...

"Tambourine lessons.

"Expert tambourine playerwill teach you to play

"like a virtuoso.

"Experienced, trained,soon-to-be leader

of successfultambourine-based band."

People are like,"There's a new tambourine player

in Williamsburg,and he's not wasting time."

"Spacious, clean,cheap apartment available...

Never.Good luck, dip[bleep]."

"Man with van(and fetish)."

For a restaurant,maybe...

"Missing: one rat,left here yesterday."

"Learn photography,then teach me.

Please, don't be a prick.Just do it."

"Freetiny strips of paper."

You can put this next toany flyer that's there already.

"That flyer is bull[bleep].

Call me,I will explain."

"Found: one cat,looks delicious.

Call by Friday.After that, never mind."

"I can see you right now.

Call this number to prevent mefrom getting you."

They're all ripped off.

"Excuse me, there's no numbers!Please don't get me!"

Finally, "Help!

"A wizard turned meinto this piece of paper.

"Please lick me twiceto break the spell.

Hurry, do it!"

Thanks, guys.Appreciate that.

I don't like automatic papertowel dispensers

because they don't tell youwhen they're not working.

So I just end upin the bathroom,

looking like a [bleep] magicianfor a few minutes.

"What do I have to doto get a piece of paper?"

An automaticpaper towel dispenser

is a solution to somethingthat was never a problem.

"Hey, you know how people get apaper towel when they need one?"

"Yeah, they just take their handand pull it down,

and they have it."

"Yeah,we're gonna change that."

"What are you gonna do?"

"We're gonna use lasersand make it complicated."

"That seemskind of unnecessary."

"Yeah, very. That's the idea.We're gonna--"

"You gota lot of work to do."

"Yeah, 'cause we're alsoworking on the sinks too."

"Oh, yeah?What are you gonna do?

You gonna fix, like,the hot and cold handles?"

"No, we're gonnaget rid of those."

"But then they won't be able toadjust the water temperature."

"[bleep] 'em."

Wow.

"We're gonna finish upwith the toilets."

"Oh, yeah,what are you doing there?"

"You know when someone'ssitting on the toilet,

and they move, like,a millimeter?"

"Yeah."

"Yeah,we were thinking of having

a roaring rapid explodeunder their ass that way."

"Why would you do that?"

Clothing sizes are weird.They go small, medium, large,

and then extra-large,extra-extra-large,

extra-extra-extra-large.

Something happenedat "large."

They just gave up.They were like,

"I'm not doingany more adjectives.

You just keep putting'extras' on there."

We could do betterthan that.

Small, medium, large...

whoa.

Easy.

Slow down.

Stop it.

Interesting.

American.

I don't likewhen I go to a clothing store

and I pick out some clothes,then I go to the dressing room,

and then they come, and theybother me when I'm in there.

"How's it working outfor you in there?

You all right in there?"

When they're like,"How you doing in there?"

I go, "Uh...

"Not too good.

"I thinkI'm gonna kill myself.

Could you get me a belt,please?"

"You all right in there?""Yeah, I'm naked.

Just popping some zits.You want to hop in?"

Just leave me alone.

"How's it going in therefor you?"

"Ah, it's all right. I couldn'tfind the toilet, so I just went.

"You gotta finishthese bathroom stalls, man.

Also, could you get mea few tee shirts?"

My friend has hand soapthat smells like coconut.

It's nice.

Unless your hands are dirtyfrom coconuts.

Then it's the worst soappossible.

[sniffs] "I can't tell if I madeany progress in this situation.

This is how I started out.This sucks."

[sniffs] You see somebodysmelling their hand,

there's never a good storybehind that.

Just looks bad. If you tryto make it look positive,

it just looks worse.If you're like...

"Let's talk to that guy."

When I'm cleaning upmy apartment

I feel like my dustpanis willing to help out

but just to a point.

Like,"All right, cool.

There's just a little bitleft here."

And thenthe dustpan's like,

"I'm out right here."

"No, come on, dustpan.There's just dust left.

I mean, you're called a dustpan.Let's just do this."

"I'm notpicking that up."

"The hell you're not.We're gonna go perpendicular.

You're picking this up."

It's like, "I said no.

"Take the broomand just redistribute it

around the room."

I've seen a lotof proud sponsors of things.

I'd like to seea reluctant sponsor.

"Subaru, reluctant sponsorof the WNBA."

I wish that they would just callthe news "what's wrong."

"Hi, it's 6:00.Here's what's wrong."

Yeah.

"Now for the local news,here's the worst [bleep]

that happenedthe closest to you."

I wonder whatthe long form of "OK" is.

What's "OK" short for?

Is it "okeydokey"?

That would be interesting.

There areall these situations

that would soundmuch more interesting.

"Are you...okeydokey?"

"I'm okeydokey.Thank you.

That was a close call."

The surgeon comes out.

"She's gonna beokeydokey."

"Thank God, Doctor.

She's okeydokey,you guys."

"Your behaviorin this office

is not okeydokey!"

You want to fightsomebody.

"Okeydokey,let's do this."

"Okeydokey.Okeydokey, easy."

- I got a business idea.

I was gonna open a storein the Chicago airport,

one of the biggest airportsin the country,

and have a big storeright by one of the gates.

But in my store,I would just sell stuff

that says "Denver"on it.

So when peopleget off the plane,

they look at my storeand they go,

"Oh, [bleep]."

And if somebodycame up to me and said,

"Excuse me, thisis the Chicago airport.

You're selling stuffthat says 'Denver' on it."

I would go,"Oh, [bleep].

"I knew I rushedinto this investment.

Guess I'll just have to write'Not' on everything."

"Where'd you getthat sweatshirt?"

"Not Denver.Don't worry about it."

I don't usuallyfly in first class,

but I do fartin first class.

"Can I help you,sir?"

"Nah, I'm cool.

"I'm gonna head backto my seat.

Got a little lost.Sorry about that."

[sniffs] "It smellslike coach up here."

I was having lunchwith my friend,

and I said,"Hey, what's your middle name?"

He said,"I have two middle names."

I said, "Then youhave no middle names.

You have a space."

Yeah.

We were having lunch,and I went to treat him.

I said,"Hey, I got this.

I'm gonna buy you lunch."

And he said,"Are you sure?"

Has anybody ever backed outat that point?

"Hey, man, I got this.""Are you sure?"

"I'm gladyou brought that up.

"I was bluffing.I'm not sure at all.

"You called my bluff.

I got no money.You want to just run for it?"

but they'restructurally unstable.

When I start eating it,I'm like, "This is good,"

but then I start thinking,"There's gonna be trouble soon.

"One of these sidesis gonna fall off.

"It's gonna ruin my carpet.

This is gonna suck."

It's time to updatepopsicle sticks.

Now I don't have to worry.That's a little better.

Plus, I could makea crazy bridge

out of these.

This is how interestingyou find your children,

and this is how interestingI find your children.

Which is how you want it,by the way.

That's how it should be.

You don't wantthe opposite.

This is--That's not mean.

That's nature.That's correct.

Okay.

Pets are numericallyinteresting.

If you have one,that's okay.

If you have four,you're desperate.

If you have 32,you look crazy.

What's interesting is that teethare the exact opposite.

I think it's timewe update elevator buttons.

Yeah.

If you're a manand you're wearing a fur coat

and you're not an Eskimo,then you're a douche bag.

Okay, this is a diagram.

This is the interiorof the head

of a man who cut me offin traffic a few weeks ago.

That's [bleep].

Finally, this is the amounta guy looks like Jesus

versus the probabilitythat he has pot.

The morehe looks like Jesus,

the more likely he isto have pot,

till we get to a critical point."This one's on a cross.

"Uh-oh. We made a mistake.Let's get out of here."

And that's an end.

Thanks, everybody.

"Stop.""Exit."

They just tell you the word,and that's it.

But not "wet floor."

They give you the wordsand also a scenario.

"Wet floor.This could happen to you."

"Oh, crap.That kind of wet floor.

"I thoughtit was a command,

but thenI saw the guy."

It's notthat persuasive though.

This guyhas no eyes or feet.

You have no eyes or feet?

Of course you fell.

Those are the top two thingsyou need to not fall.

"Wait a minute, you're the guyfrom the bathroom.

"What are you doing out here?I just saw you in the back.

"You're running aroundwith no face.

Come on, man."

I don't know whenthe question mark

first appeared,but I bet you

it worked immediately.

"Hey, man,check this out."

"What is that?"

"Exactly!

"We got it, Tony.This shape works.

"It's an exclamation pointwith severe scoliosis.

Write it down."

My friend was involvedin a love triangle.

He liked this woman,

and this other guyalso liked the woman,

but I triedto explain to him,

"That's a love anglethat you're in.

You're involvedin a love angle, man."

For it to be a love triangle,the two guys

also have to havesomething going on.

Now you gotthree vertices.

That's a love triangle.

And that's an orgy.

And that's a Mormon.

And that's a Mormon orgy.That's a "Morgy."

I don't know if these exist,but this is a schematic.

This is an ice cream flavorcalled "dead gnome."

- I want to show you guyssome drawings.

All right, first, I gota product I came up with.

It's calleda baby silencer.

I thought of thison an airplane.

There was this baby cryingand bothering everybody.

I was thinking, "How couldI get that baby quiet?"

Then it hit me.It's a baby silencer.

It's a funnel that the babywears over its nose and mouth

with a tubethat goes to headphones

to the baby's own ears.

Baby's like,"Waah! Waah!

"Ow! Ow!Hello?

That's me.I should shut up."

Baby silenced.Perfect.

Yeah.

That'sa girlfriend silencer.

That works temporarily.

Be careful.Be careful with that.

Now this is a graph.

Okay, karaoke.

This is how fun it isto watch the person doing it.

This is how badthe person is at it.

It's kind ofan interesting curve,

'cause if they'renot that bad at it,

it's kind of funto watch.

You know, they're kind ofsinging on key or whatever.

Not great.

If they'rea little worse at it,

it's terrible to watch.

It's, like, awkward.

It's not bad enoughto be funny,

not good enoughto be entertaining.

But if they're worse,

something magicalstarts to happen.

The worse they get,the more fun it is

to watch them struggle.

Tone deaf, drunk,standing on a chair.

Yes,this is what we want.

What's interesting is skiingfollows the exact same curve.

Almost in the Olympics.

Never been on a hillbefore.

Also, reading aloudin class.

That story'spretty interesting,

but this story'sway more interesting over here.

"Jimmy's an idiot.I had no idea.

"Sound it out,buddy.

"Come on,you can do it.

"I thinkwe can still hang out.

Oh, man."

The experiment was to neverhave sex with anybody,

no matter how hardI tried.

Success!

Hypothesis confirmed.

When you're having sexwith somebody,

you can say "yes,"or "yeah,"

or "uh-huh,"

but for some reason,you can't say "yep."

"Yep. Oh, yep, baby.

"Yep, yep, yep, yep.

"Indeed!

Affirmative."

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