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Extended - Thursday, August 28, 2014 - Uncensored

  • 08/28/2014
  • Views: 21,999

Drew Carey, Blaine Capatch and Brendon Walsh guess which Instagram from Burning Man got the most likes, #RuinAMagazine and caption some freaky family photos. (30:10)

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNET

HEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE, WHOOPING)

IF YOU'RE IN THE NEVADA DESERT

AND A DRY BREEZE OF

PRETENTIOUSNESS AND BODY ODOR

JUST FLEW IN, IT'S BECAUSE

BURNING MAN IS CONTINUING

DESPITE THE EARLIER RAIN DELAYS.

THIS IS REALLY GOOD NEWS FOR

PEOPLE OF BOTH SEXES WHO LIKE TO

WEAR TUTUS AND HAVE SEX TO

TRANCE MUSIC.

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING PHOTOS

FROM THE ARTS FESTIVAL GOT THE

MOST LIKES ON INSTAGRAM?

A, THIS LEGO CAR.

OH...

(AUDIENCE OOH-ING)

(LAUGHS) HE'S GONE CRAZY!

PICK, PICK, PICK. AAH...

CRUSH. SPLATTER.

UH, B, B, THIS FUN COUPLE.

UH, RIGHT THERE.

(LAUGHTER, WHOOPING)

>> I LOVE THE EURYTHMICS.

>> HARDWICK: BLAINE, THAT'S NOT

THE EURYTHMICS.

(LAUGHTER)

>> WHAT?!

>> HARDWICK: BECAUSE I DON'T

THINK SWEET DREAMS ARE MADE OF

THIS.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

>> SWEET.

>> IT'S CAPTAIN AND CHLAMYDIA.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

>> HARDWICK: HUNDRED POINTS TO

DREW CAREY.

OR C, THE BEST ONE-- THESE OOKIE

MONSTERS.

(AUDIENCE SHOUTING, GROANING)

>> YOU HAD TO BLUR OUT THE DICK

NECK.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

>> THANK GOD THEY PIXELED OUT

THE PENIS.

>> I WAS SURPRISED THEY HAD TO--

IT WAS EMBEDDED IN COOKIE

MONSTER.

WHAT YOU CAN'T SEE RIGHT HERE IS

THIS STRAP RIGHT HERE, IT LOOKS

LIKE... IT LOOKS LIKE HE'S

AUTO-EROTICALLY ASPHYXIATING

HIMSELF.

(LAUGHTER)

IT... IT MAKE ORGASM LAST

LONGER.

(LAUGHTER)

>> I HOPE I NO DIE LIKE THIS.

(LAUGHTER)

ESPECIALLY FOR MY PARENTS.

(LAUGHTER)

>> HARDWICK: GET HELP, THEN

COOKIE-- HELP, THEN COOKIE.

(LAUGHTER)

WHICH ONE OF THOSE GOT THE MOST

LIKES?

YES, BLAINE?

>> I'LL SAY COOKIE MONSTER.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY, LET'S FIND

OUT.

NO! THE LEGO ONE? WHAT? NO!

I'M SORRY YOU DIDN'T GET POINTS

ON THAT.

GET THAT OUT OF HERE.

LET'S SEE THE COOKIE MONSTER

PICTURE AGAIN.

(LAUGHTER, WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)

I MEAN...

COMEDIANS, FOR BONUS POINTS,

PLEASE CAPTION THIS PHOTO.

DREW CAREY.

>> MY COOKIE MONSTER'S ONLY

REALLY SMALL 'CAUSE THAT MILK

WAS REALLY COLD.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

>> HARDWICK: SHRINKAGE!

DOESN'T YOU SHOULD TELL THEM

ABOUT SHRINKAGE!

>> WHY DON'T I STAND NEXT TO

THIS DUDE?

(LAUGHTER)

(WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)

>> HARDWICK: WAIT. WAIT.

AND ALSO, THE ARMS ARE, LIKE:

MY DICK IS DESPERATE!

(LAUGHTER)

AND THIS GUY IS DOING...

(LAUGHTER)

TALK ABOUT BLUE BALLS.

BLAINE. BLAINE.

>> UH, WHAT HAS FOUR THUMBS AND

LOVES BLUE JOBS?

(LAUGHTER)

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

BRENDON.

>> UH, AFTER WE SHOWED UP TO THE

PARTY, THE ONLY THING DRYER THAN

THIS DESERT IS EVERY WOMAN'S

PUSSY.

(LAUGHTER, GROANING, WHOOPING)

>> HARDWICK: YEAH. ACCURATE.

POINTS.

>> YOU KNOW, THOSE GUYS ONLY

HAVE 97 BEERS LEFT.

(LAUGHTER)

(WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)

>> HARDWICK: YOU CAN ALMOST SEE

IT POKING OUT OF THE M...

(AUDIENCE GROANING)

I'M GLAD THAT WAS THE ONE THAT

WAS ONE STEP TOO FAR.

(LAUGHTER)

HEY, MAN, YOU... FUCK, YOU JUST

WAY CROSSED THE LINE.

ALL RIGHT, COLLEGE FOOTBALL

KICKS OFF THIS WEEKEND.

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS--

TERRIFYING MASCOTS PROWLING OUR

NATION'S SIDELINES.

SB NATION HAS A GREAT POST

COLLECTING PHOTOS OF CREEPY OLD

MASCOTS THROUGHOUT HISTORY, AND

ALSO WOULD WORK AS REALLY CREEPY

VILLAINS IN A NEW HOME INVASION-

TORTURE PORN LIKE THIS

SLEDGEHAMMER-WIELDING MANIAC

FROM PURDUE.

>> NICE.

>> IS THAT RONALD REAGAN?

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

LOOKS LIKE RONALD REAGAN.

>> HOW ABOUT ONE FOR THE GIPPER.

>> HARDWICK: BETTER THROW NANCY

THE OLD SLEDGEHAMMER.

(LAUGHTER)

UH, THIS NEXT ONE, THE NEBRASKA

CORNCOB KILLER.

MUST STRANGLE!

THAT DEFINITELY ENDED UP IN A

BIGGER MASCOT'S BUTT.

(LAUGHTER)

THERE'S NO QUESTION.

THERE IS NO QUESTION IN MY

MIND... THAT THAT HAPPENED.

>> THAT GUY'S APPEARING AT

COBB'S THIS WEEKEND.

>> HARDWICK: HEY!

COME ON, BLAINE, THAT WAS A REAL

CORNY JOKE.

>> IT WAS PRETTY CORNY.

BUT THERE IS... A LITTLE KERNEL

OF TRUTH IN THAT.

>> HARDWICK: OH! NICE.

WOW, I... I DON'T KNOW HOW

WE'RE GONNA FIND OUR WAY OUT OF

THIS MAIZE OF JOKES.

(LOUD GROANS, APPLAUSE)

>> OH, MAN.

>> HARDWICK: OR THE TCU FIGHTING

OH, MY GOD, WHAT IS THAT THING!

WHAT IS THAT!

YOU CAN'T LET A CHILD NEAR THAT!

WHY WOULD YOU LET A CHILD NEAR

THAT?

IT-IT COULDN'T BE DIRTIER.

(LAUGHTER)

COMEDIANS, PLEASE TELL US WHAT

THIS ABOMINATION AGAINST MAN IS

WHISPERING TO THAT CHILD.

DREW CAREY.

>> UH... HEY, KID, BRING ME

THOSE PILLS YOUR MOM KEEPS IN

HER PURSE.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

BLAINE.

(APPLAUSE)

>> IT'S A TRAP.

(LAUGHTER, WHOOPING)

>> HARDWICK: NICE. POINTS.

(WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)

BRENDON.

>> HEY, KID, WANT ME TO TAKE OFF

MY MASCOT HEAD SO YOU CAN SEE MY

HORRIBLE CHEMICAL BURNS?

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

ALL RIGHT, BRACE YOURSELVES,

WE'RE ABOUT TO GET IN YOUR FACE

WITH A VIDEO OF PERSONAL PAIN

THAT WAS ALL OVER FACEBOOK

TODAY. WATCH THIS.

OW!

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

>> I'LL HAVE WHAT HE'S HAVING.

(LAUGHTER)

>> HARDWICK: HUNDRED POINTS TO

BLAINE CAPATCH.

(APPLAUSE)

THE QUESTION IS, WHAT ARE THESE

PEOPLE REACTING TO?

A...

(AUDIENCE GROANS)

YES, DREW.

>> UH, IT'S GOT TO BE THE TASER.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, THE CORRECT

ANSWER IS: THE TASER.

BEING WILLINGLY SHOT... WITH A

TASER.

>> I KNOW JOKE ANSWERS WHEN

I HEAR 'EM.

>> HARDWICK: HE KNOWS... YEAH.

HE KNOWS JOKE ANSWERS.

YOU KNOW WHAT'S UP.

THIS TASER PHOTO SHOOT IS THE

BRAINCHILD OF SOUTH CAROLINA

PHOTOGRAPHER PATRICK HALL.

AND SPEAKING OF DOCUMENTING

PAIN, HE'S ALSO AVAILABLE FOR

ENGAGEMENT PICS.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

JUST HANGING OUT.

HEY, I COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICE

I'M ABOUT TO PULL YOUR PANTS

DOWN-- WANT TO GET MARRIED?

(LAUGHTER)

UH, COMEDIANS, WHAT WILL HIS

NEXT ART PROJECT BE? DREW.

>> IT'LL BE SECRETLY FILMING HIS

FRIENDS MASTURBATING AND THEN

CALLING THEM RIGHT BEFORE

THEY'RE ABOUT TO COME.

(LAUGHTER)

OH, FUCK!

GODDAMN IT!

>> HARDWICK: WHAT HE SAYS IS...

RING, RING, RING.

UH, IT'S YOUR DAD.

GODDAMN IT!

>> YEAH. YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: BLAINE?

>> I THINK HIS NEXT ART PROJECT

WILL BE, UH, PUBLIC RELATIONS

FOR THE FERGUSON POLICE

DEPARTMENT.

(AUDIENCE GROANING)

>> OOH, OOH.

(WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)

>> COME ON!

IT'S NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'S

HASHTAG WARS!

(CHEERING, WHOOPING)

A RED-LETTER DAY IN HISTORY,

TODAY WAS THE ANNIVERSARY OF THE

FIRST ISSUE OF SCIENTIFIC

AMERICAN BEING PUBLISHED.

IT HIT THE PRESSES IN 1845,

WHICH IS THE SAME YEAR THAT

CREATIONISTS STOP PAYING

ATTENTION TO "SCIENCE."

SO IN HONOR OF THE ICONIC

MAGAZINE, TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS

#RUINAMAGAZINE.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE "SPORKS

ILLUSTRATED" OR "SHAT FANCY."

I'M GONNA PUT 60...

WHICH, BY THE WAY, IS ALL

WILLIAM SHATNER PICTURES.

DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU GUYS THOUGHT

THAT WAS.

JUST HANGING OUT.

OOH.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THE

CLOCK, AND GO.

(BELL DINGS)

YES, BRENDON.

>> FIELD & STREAM & CORPSE.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

YEAH.

(BELL DINGS)

BLAINE.

>> MORRIS DAY AND TIME.

>> HARDWICK: NICE, POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)

VERY GOOD REFERENCE.

DREW.

>> REAL FUCKIN' SIMPLE JESUS

CHRIST.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)

BRENDON.

>> CIGARETTE AFICIONADO.

>> HARDWICK: YES.

POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)

DREW.

>> UH, MCCALL'S ARE COMING FROM

INSIDE THE HOUSE.

>> HARDWICK: OH, SO GOOD,

YEAH, POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)

BRENDON.

>> SNAKE FANCY.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, GOOD.

POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)

UH, BR... BLAINE.

>> RACE HUSTLER.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, YEAH,

POINTS, SURE

(BELL DINGS)

>> UH...

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, OH, BRENDON,

BRENDON.

>> UPSTATE NEW YORKER.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, GOOD, POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)

DREW.

>> UH, BOYS' LIFE FOR MEN.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

(BELL DINGS)

THIS IS MUCH TOTALLY DIFFERENT

THAN PRICE IS RIGHT.

UH, BRENDON.

>> UH, PEEPHOLE MAGAZINE.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, GOOD, POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)

DREW.

>> UH, THE ROB FORD REPORT.

(BUZZ)

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, GOOD, OH,

NICE, POINTS, GOOD.

EXCELLENT.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY

AWKWARD FAMILY PHOTOS.

ALL RIGHT.

OBVIOUSLY, AWKWARD FAMILY PHOTOS

HAS MADE A COTTAGE INDUSTRY OUT

OF UNEARTHING FAMILY PHOTOS

THAT, UH, SHOULD'VE REMAINED

REPRESSED IN PEOPLE'S MEMORIES.

SO FOR 250 POINTS, I WANT YOU TO

CAPTION THESE FAMILY DELIGHTFUL

PHOTOGRAPHS.

FIRST UP-- THESE VERY CLOSE

SIBLINGS.

(BELL DINGS)

YES, BLAINE.

>> (CHUCKLES) "DAD SAYS WE'RE

NOT ALLOWED TO TALK TO THE

PRESS."

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

UH, DREW.

>> UH, THAT'S, UH, BONNIE AND

CLYDE AND SOME KID THEY'RE

FUCKING.

>> HARDWICK: IT WAS THE 30S,

THINGS WERE DIFFERENT THEN.

>> YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: COME ON, POINTS.

YEAH, BRENDON.

>> UH, SHIRTLESS KIDS LEAVE

BEHIND MYSTERIOUS PHOTO BEFORE

COMMITTING SUICIDE BY COP.

(AUDIENCE GROANS)

>> HARDWICK: I...

(APPLAUSE, CHEERS)

OH, OH, THEY CAME BACK AROUND,

OKAY.

OKAY, YOU GOT POINTS, THEY CAME

BACK AROUND.

NEXT ONE UP: THIS COLLEGE

BROCHURE.

YUP.

(BELL DINGS)

I AM NOT RELATED TO THESE

EARTHLINGS.

DREW.

>> UH, IT'S PRONOUNCED GORDAWN.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

YEAH, THEY JUST HAVE A FOR...

THEY'RE JUST... THEY'RE-THEY'RE

JUST HOUSING A FOREIGN EXCHANGE

STUDENT-- ONE HERE, AND ONE FROM

ANOTHER GALAXY.

YES, BRENDON.

>> "UH, YEAH, WE ADOPTED BAK SUN

FROM KOREA AND, UH, LOTHAR THE

DESTROYER OF MEN FROM

13TH-CENTURY ROMANIA."

>> HARDWICK: POINTS, GOOD, GOOD.

UH, NEXT UP: THIS CRAWL SPACE

DECORATION.

(BELL DINGS)

BRENDON.

>> UH, JOAN WAYNE GACY, RIGHT?

>> HARDWICK: OH, NICE, POINTS.

UH, DREW.

>> "HEY, GUESS HOW MANY KIDS I

HAVE BURIED IN MY BACKYARD."

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

BLAINE.

>> "UH, WHILE I DRINK THIS GLASS

OF WATER, RAGGEDY ANUS WILL TELL

YOU THAT I AM A REGISTERED SEX

OFFENDER."

>> HARDWICK: I... THAT HAD A

WHOLE NARRATIVE.

>> "I'M GONNA SHOW YOU ON THE

DOLL WHERE I WANT YOU TO TOUCH

ME."

>> "COME WITH ME IF YOU WANT TO

LIVE."

>> HARDWICK: POINTS TO BLAINE.

ALL RIGHT, NEXT: THESE TATTED

BROS.

THESE TATTED-UP BROS.

(BELL DINGS)

>> WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

THAT'S FROM MY PERSONAL FUCKING

COMPUTER, YOU COCKSUCKERS.

I LEA...

>> HARDWICK: YOU SHOULDN'T SIGN

ON TO AN OPEN NETWORK-- THIS IS

WHAT HAPPENS.

>> I LEAVE MY COMPUTER ON FOR

FIVE MINUTES IN THE DRE... I'M

A GUEST HERE.

>> HARDWICK: NO, YEAH.

ALWAYS SIGN IN TO A SECURE

NETWORK, THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS,

DREW.

BLAINE.

>> "IT'S WEIRD THAT THEY'RE

HOLDING THE AUDITIONS FOR THE

NEW TWILIGHT MOVIE IN THIS VAN."

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

YEAH, BRENDON.

>> "HEY, PUSSY, I DARE YOU TO

KISS ME."

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

ALL RIGHT, LAST ONE: THIS

FESTIVE FAMILY.

THIS FESTIVE FAMILY.

(BELL DINGS)

UH, YES, BLAINE.

>> ALL THESE THINGS GO IN THE

DOG.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

DREW.

>> THE ARISTOCRATS!

>> HARDWICK: THE ARISTOCRATS,

YEAH, PERFECT, OH, WELL DONE.

POINTS, WELL DONE.

>> BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, BRENDON.

>> "UH, CHEERS IS FILMED IN

FRONT OF A LIVE STUDIO

AUDIENCE."

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

IT'S, UH... THAT'S...

THAT GUY LOOKS LIKE DR. DEMENTO,

THOUGH.

>> YEAH.

>> HE DOES, AND THE KID LOOKS

LIKE NOSFERATU.

BEFORE THE BREAK, I SHOWED YOU

THIS PICTURE FROM THE L.A. TIMES

OF AN 87-YEAR-OLD NUDIST WHO RAN

FOR SHERIFF IN WASHINGTON AND I

ASKED YOU GUYS TO WRITE PART OF

HIS CAMPAIGN SPEECH FOR HIM.

LET'S HEAR THOSE SPEECHES.

DREW CAREY.

>> UH, A PROUD MEMBER OF THE TEA

BAG PARTY.

>> HARDWICK: NICE.

BLAINE.

>> YOU CAN HAVE MY GUN WHEN YOU

PRY IT FROM MY COLD DEAD HANDS

IN ABOUT TEN MINUTES.

>> HARDWICK: GOOD.

BRENDON.

>> MY LIST OF QUALIFICATIONS IS

LONGER THAN MY BALL BAG.

ELECT ME AND TOGETHER WE'LL

OUTLAW DANCING AND INTERRACIAL

MARRIAGE OR MY NAME ISN'T...

(SNORING)

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

>> HARDWICK: OH, MAN.

HOW TO GIVE OUT POINTS FOR THAT

ONE.

>> SPLIT 'EM UP.

>> HARDWICK: SHIT.

YOU CAN DO THAT ON YOUR SHOW,

DREW!

LET'S SEE, WELL, EVERYONE GETS A

POINT VALUE.

LET'S SEE. I DON'T KNOW.

UH... LET'S DO...

GODDAMN IT.

>> 10,000, 10,000.

>> HARDWICK: YOU DON'T GET

10,000 POINTS.

THE SCORES DON'T EVEN GO THAT

HIGH, BLAINE!

YOU'RE STUCK AT FOUR DIGITS.

THE MOST YOU CAN EVER GET IS 999

AND-AND WE CAN'T EVEN DO THAT

'CAUSE I THINK WE JUST HAVE

ZEROES ON THE END.

>> WHY CAN'T WE JUST START OVER

THERE AND GO ALL THE WAY ACROSS?

>> HARDWICK: UH... OH, THAT'D BE

REALLY AMAZING.

UM, I GUESS WE'LL DO, UM...

FUCK.

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> WAIT, YOU WANT TO DO FUCK

RIGHT HERE IN FRONT OF ALL THESE

PEOPLE?

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

>> SORRY, I WAS...

SORRY, I ALREADY CAME.

>> SHOOT.

>> HARDWICK: I THINK I GOT TO

JUST GIVE EVERYONE 2,000 POINTS.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

>> WE WORKED REALLY HARD ON

THOSE.

WHY NOT?

>> HARDWICK: IT'S TIME FOR

OMINOUS FORTUNE COOKIES!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

NOW, THE HASHTAG

#FORTUNECOOKIEFAIL IS SOMETHING

CREEPY WE CAME ACROSS ON TUMBLR,

LIKE THIS ONE.

"YOUR PROBLEM JUST GOT BIGGER.

THINK, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE."

COMEDIANS, I WANT YOU TO GIVE ME

OTHER OMINOUS FORTUNE COOKIES.

60 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK. AND GO.

(BELL DINGS)

YES, BLAINE.

>> UH, DID YOU DELETE YOUR

HISTORY?

>> HARDWICK: POINTS. POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)

DREW.

>> UH, THAT WASN'T REALLY

CHICKEN.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS. POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)

BRENDON.

>> UH, THE WAY YOU'RE GONNA DIE

IS HILARIOUS.

>> HARDWICK: FANTASTIC. POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)

BLAINE.

>> UH, YOUR UBER DRIVER GARY

BUSEY IS OUT FRONT.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)

DREW.

>> UH, YOU WILL TASTE THE MEAT

OF A TALL, DARK STRANGER.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS. POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)

BLAINE.

>> THE GHOSTS OF YOUR PARENTS

WATCH YOU MASTURBATE.

>> HARDWICK: AW, MAN!

>> IT'S TRUE. IT'S TRUE.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)

BRENDON.

>> UH, CONFUCIUS SAY SILENCE IS

A TRUE FRIEND WHO NEVER BETRAYS,

UNLIKE YOUR WHORE EX-WIFE GAIL.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY, POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)

DREW.

>> RUN!

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)

UH, BRENDON.

>> CONFUCIUS SAY YOU CAN'T OPEN

A BOOK WITHOUT LEARNING, AND YOU

CAN'T OPEN MY LAPTOP WITHOUT

SEEING TITS.

>> HARDWICK: GOOD. EXCELLENT.

POINTS.

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