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Give It Up for Greg Giraldo

  • 03/18/2011
  • views: 605

Comedians and friends remember the very smart, incredibly funny Greg Giraldo and take a look back at some of Greg's greatest comedy moments. (41:55)

JUDGE COMEDIANS,

'CAUSE YOU'RE NOTGONNA SIT THERE

AND WATCH EVERYBODY'SSTUPID ACT YOUR WHOLE LIFE,

IS GOING TO THE BATHROOMJUST TO PEE.

EVERY TIME YOU WALKBY THE BATHROOM,

YOU HEAR WHOEVER'SON STAGE.

AND EVERY TIME I WALKEDBY HEARING HIM,

YOU'RE LIKE, WOW,THAT WAS A GREAT BIT.

YEAH, THAT'S A GREAT BIT,YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

THEN YOU STAY FORAN EXTRA MINUTE OR TWO.

- WE HAD BOTH BEEN DOING ITFOR THREE, FOUR YEARS,

AND ALL OF A SUDDENWE WERE ON SITCOMS.

- I STARTED IN '92,AND THEN IN '95

I DID THE MONTREALCOMEDY FESTIVAL.

THERE WAS AN AGENT FROM L.A.

THAT KIND OF DISCOVERED ME,OR WHATEVER.

AND IT WAS KINDA THE DAYS

WHEN YOU COULD STILLDO THAT, YOU KNOW?

IF SOMEBODY SAW YOUAND YOU WERE CASTABLE

AND HAD A STORY, YOU KNOW,

THEN YOU COULD JUSTGO TO LOS ANGELES

AND, YOU KNOW,TELL YOUR STUPID STORY,

AND SOME EXECUTIVEWOULD GIVE YOU MONEY

AND DEVELOP A SHITTY SHOW

THAT WOULD GET CANCELLEDIN THREE EPISODES.

- 8:30!OH, MY GOD.

OH, MY GOD, WHAT HAPPENED?- MAN, I DON'T KNOW.

WE HAD A COUPLE OF BOTTLESOF CHAMPAGNE,

A FEW HOURSOF SEXUAL GYMNASTICS.

IF I HADTO PUT A NAME ON IT,

I'D SAY WE GOT CAUGHT UPIN POPE FEVER.

I WAS FUCKING AWFUL IN IT.I COULDN'T ACT.

I STOOD THERE LIKE,WHAT AM I DOING HERE?

AND I'D ONLY DONE COMEDYFOR ABOUT 2 1/2 YEARS

WHEN THE SHOW GOT ON THE AIR,SO I WAS RIDICULOUS.

I WAS EVERYTHINGTHAT WAS WRONG

WITH THE NATUREOF ENTERTAINMENT AT THE TIME.

- AND I THINK HIS LASTED,LIKE, THREE WEEKS,

AND MINE LASTED, LIKE, SIX.

AND THEN, YOU KNOW,THEN THE NEXT TIME I SAW HIM,

YOU KNOW, WE WERE WORKING, LIKE,IN A CHINESE RESTAURANT,

GOING, "YEAH, YEAH,THIS FEELS ABOUT RIGHT."

BUT I LIE ABOUT IT,AND I COVER IT UP...

BECAUSE I'M A CHRISTIANAND...

I HAVE THE DECENCY TO CREATE

A FALSE SENSE OF WELL-BEINGIN MY HOME.

- THE OTHER CRAZIEST,INSIDIOUS THING

ABOUT BEING AN ADDICT ISIS THAT

YOU TRICK EVERYBODYAROUND YOU INTO THINKING

THAT THIS IS HOW IT ISFOR NOW.

AND THEN YOU'LL GIVE EVERYBODYA LITTLE WINDOW

OF, LIKE, "SEE, LOOK.IT GETS BETTER."

- HE WAS--HAD THESE MOMENTSWHERE HE WAS CLEAN

FOR LONG SPELLS,AND HE WAS SUPER-HEALTHY

AND HE WAS EATING GREAT.

- YOU KNOW, YOU SORT OF THOUGHT,OKAY, HE'S GONNA BECOME

A PATHOLOGICAL VEGETARIAN.

JUST TALKING ABOUT HOW "OKRAREALLY IS A MAGICAL VEGETABLE."

- SO EVERYBODY KINDA THINKSHE'LL PULL THROUGH THIS,

YOU KNOW, BUT...

THE BODY IS FRAGILE.

LIKE THERE'S ONLYSO MANY TIMES

THAT YOU CAN CHEAT THAT.

- IF ANYTHING, IF YOU WEREGONNA GET THE CALL,

YOU WERE GONNA BE LIKE,

GIRALDO JUST WENT NUTSIN A, YOU KNOW,

A JUICER STORE.

AND YOU GOTTA BAIL HIM OUT'CAUSE HE STOLE SOME RADISHES.

- THE RULES FOR BEINGA GENTLEMAN

USED TO BE SO SPECIFICAND NICE, YOU KNOW?

- SOMEBODY TEXTED ME SAYING."I JUST READ ON THE FACEBOOK

THAT GREG GIRALDO OVERDOSED."

- I FOUND OUT FROM, UH,A TEXT FROM TOM PAPA.

- I FOUND OUT FROM...WELL, IT WAS ALL--

IT WAS FROM THE CLUB OWNERWHERE HE WAS PERFORMING.

- I FOUND OUT,AND I DIDN'T BELIEVE IT,

BECAUSE IT WAS ON TWITTER.[laughs]

- NICK SWARDSON TEXTED MEAND HE SAID,

"WHAT'S GOING ONWITH GREG GIRALDO?"

AND I SAID,"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"

AND HE SAID,"HE'S IN A COMA."

- AND I JUST REMEMBERBEING MAD,

LIKE, "COME ON, MAN,WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

YOU'RE TOO SMART FOR THISSTUFF," AND ENOUGH, YOU KNOW?

I DIDN'T REALIZEHOW SERIOUS IT WAS.

- WHEN I WENT TO GO VISIT HIM,I KNEW...YOU KNOW.

I KNEW IT WAS HAPPENING.

- I GOT IT,LIKE A TEXT MESSAGE...

JUST SAID, "GREG DIED."

LIKE TYPICAL...NOWADAYS,YOU KNOW, TEXT MESSAGE.

- WHEN A COMIC LEAVES,

ESPECIALLY SOMEBODYLIKE GREG,

TO ME IT'S MORE THAN LOSING--[ahem]

JUST LIKE A FRIENDOR SOMEBODY I KNEW.

IT'S LIKE A PART OF YOUBECAUSE YOU KNOW...

YOU KNOWWHAT THEY WENT THROUGH.

I MEAN, YOU JUST--YOU KNOW THAT WORLD, YOU KNOW?

IT'S A VERY UNIQUE...IT'S A VERY UNIQUE EXISTENCE.

AND IT'S ONETHAT YOU SHARE TOGETHER.

LOSING GREG WAS REALLY...REALLY, REALLY HARD.

- PEOPLE GIVE HIM SHIT FOR NOTHAVING THIS HUGE CAREER,

BUT COMICS WERE ALWAYS LIKE,

"OH, YOU KNOW, COMEDY CENTRALGIVES HIM EVERYTHING."

- HERE'S YOUR HOST,GREG GIRALDO!

[cheers and applause]

- ROOT OF ALL EVIL.

HE WAS, LIKE,AUTOMATICALLY ON THE LIST

JUST TO SEE IF HE REALLY

WAS A HARVARD LAWYER.

IF STRIP CLUBS ARE SO BAD,

WHY ARE THEY CALLEDGENTLEMEN'S CLUBS?

- THAT'S JUST ANOTHER LIE,YOUR HONOR.

GENTLEMEN'S CLUBS.THERE'S NO GENTLEMEN IN THERE.

YOU NEVER HEAR THINGS LIKE,"OH, I SAY, OLD MAN,

"HAVE YOU SEEN THE NIPPLESON THE ENCHANTRESS

IN THE RUBBER THONG?"

- HE WAS ALWAYS ON THE SIDE

THAT WAS GONNAPROBABLY LOSE.

WHICH IS PART OF THE REASONWE PUT HIM THERE,

BECAUSE HE'S THE ONETHAT WOULD PRESENT THE BEST

AND THE FUNNIEST ARGUMENT.

- IT'S AMAZINGTHAT WE LIVE IN A TIME

WHERE I USE THE SAMEMACHINE TO MASTURBATE

THAT I USE TO TEACHMY KIDS TO SPELL.

- HE WAS A GUYWE COULD COUNT ON

WHEN WE NEEDED A GREAT SETFROM SOMEBODY.

HE WAS THE GUYWE ALWAYS THOUGHT OF

FOR PARTICULAR SHOWSAND PILOTS.

LIKE, WE WANT TO FIND A WAYTO GET HIM ON THERE

AND GIVE HIM A SHOT.

WE SORTA CONSIDERED HIMA PART OF THE FAMILY.

- IT'S A COMEDY SHOWABOUT SEX.

IT'LL BE GREAT.

IT'S A TOPIC EVERYONECAN RELATE TO.

AND IT WON'T BE GRATUITOUSOR LOW-BROW HUMOR.

I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT A BUNCHOF CHEAP SEX JOKES.

I'M TALKING ABOUTA SMART LOOK

AT THE STATE OF SEXUALITY

IN CONTEMPORARYAMERICAN SOCIETY.

AH, [bleep].

SO WHAT DO YOU THINK?

- WHATEVER.

- PEOPLE ALWAYS TALKED ABOUT

THAT GREG HAD A TON OF PILOTSTHAT DIDN'T WORK.

AND, I MEAN,I THINK THAT'S TRUE

OF A LOT OF REALLYTALENTED PEOPLE.

- AS THEY SAY,THE CREAM RISES TO THE TOP.

AND JUST BECAUSETHE THINGS THAT HE DID

DIDN'T NECESSARILYTAKE OFF IN THE MANNER

THAT I THINK THEY COULD HAVEOR SHOULD HAVE,

IT'S NOT LIKE HE GOES BACKTO THE BACK OF THE LINE

AS A TALENTED PERFORMER.

- COMEDIANS RESPECT HIM.AUDIENCES RESPECT HIM.

THE WORK IS ALL THERE.

IT'S DIGITAL.IT'S ON THE INTERNET.

THERE ARE PEOPLEON OTHER PLANETS

WATCHING HIM RIGHT NOW,HIGHER LIFE-FORMS,

DECIDING WHETHER OR NOTTO INVADE

BASED ON GREG'S COMEDY.

AND THAT ENDURES,YOU KNOW?

EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE

THERE'S A CELEBRITYCHECKS INTO THE HOSPITAL

BECAUSE SHE'S EXHAUSTED.

YOU ALWAYS HEARTHEY WENT IN THE HOSPITAL

BECAUSE THEY WERE EXHAUSTED.

HOW EXHAUSTED DO YOU HAVETO BE TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL?

I MEAN, I'VE BEENPRETTY DAMN TIRED.

I JUST TAKEA LITTLE NAPPY-POO.

AND I WAKE UP,AND I'M LIKE,

"WOW, CANCELTHE AMBULANCE, HONEY.

ALL BETTER."

- THERE'S A FUN COMPETITIONAT A ROAST

WHERE YOU WANNA HAVE THAT--THAT BEST JOKE, YOU KNOW.

AND IT'S--IT'S GOOD BECAUSEIT KEEPS THE BAR HIGH.

- GREG WOULD GO ON FIRST,

WHICH OBVIOUSLY ALL THE COMICSARE VERY JEALOUS OF

BECAUSE HE GETS TO JUST,YOU KNOW.

HE'D SAY, "WELL, I HAVETO BREAK THE ICE."

YOU KNOW, "I HAVE TO BREAK--I GOTTA DO MY OWN WARM-UP.

I GOTTA BREAK THE ICE."

HE WOULD CRUSH THE ICE.

- WHAT A TEENY LITTLE PIMP.

MAN, BEING A PIMPAIN'T EASY,

ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU GOTTASTAND ON PHONE BOOKS

TO SMACK A BITCH.

KATHY, YOU LOOK LIKERONALD MCDONALD

FUCKED LUCILLE BALL'S CORPSE

THEN PUSHED IT DOWNA FLIGHT OF STAIRS.

LISA ACTUALLY HAS A LOT INCOMMON WITH THAT OCTOMOM.

SHE'S NEVER GIVEN BIRTH,BUT SHE HAS HAD 80 FINGERS

INSIDE HERAT THE SAME TIME.

- EVEN, LIKE,THE CABLE GUY ROAST

IS ARGUABLY ONE OFTHE FUNNIEST TEN MINUTES

I THINK I'VE EVER SEENANYWHERE EVER.

AND I MEAN, LIKE,OUT OF ANYTHING.

- THERE'S A FUN COMPETITIONAT A ROAST

WHERE YOU WANNA HAVE THAT--THAT BEST JOKE, YOU KNOW.

AND IT'S--IT'S GOOD BECAUSEIT KEEPS THE BAR HIGH.

- GREG WOULD GO ON FIRST,

WHICH OBVIOUSLY ALL THE COMICSARE VERY JEALOUS OF

BECAUSE HE GETS TO JUST,YOU KNOW.

HE'D SAY, "WELL, I HAVETO BREAK THE ICE."

YOU KNOW, "I HAVE TO BREAK--I GOTTA DO MY OWN WARM-UP.

I GOTTA BREAK THE ICE."

HE WOULD CRUSH THE ICE.

- WHAT A TEENY LITTLE PIMP.

MAN, BEING A PIMPAIN'T EASY,

ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU GOTTASTAND ON PHONE BOOKS

TO SMACK A BITCH.

KATHY, YOU LOOK LIKERONALD MCDONALD

FUCKED LUCILLE BALL'S CORPSE

THEN PUSHED IT DOWNA FLIGHT OF STAIRS.

LISA ACTUALLY HAS A LOT INCOMMON WITH THAT OCTOMOM.

SHE'S NEVER GIVEN BIRTH,BUT SHE HAS HAD 80 FINGERS

INSIDE HERAT THE SAME TIME.

- EVEN, LIKE,THE CABLE GUY ROAST

IS ARGUABLY ONE OFTHE FUNNIEST TEN MINUTES

I THINK I'VE EVER SEENANYWHERE EVER.

AND I MEAN, LIKE,OUT OF ANYTHING.

IT'S JUST A FUCKING TORNADO.

YOU'RE LIKE THE TROJAN ARMY.

YOU'RE BIG, PATRIOTIC,

AND YOU BOTH CAME INSIDEA GIANT HORSE.

YOU GRAVY-SWEATINGCOUSIN FUCKER.

LARRY FUCKED HIS FIRSTCOUSIN WHEN HE WAS 16.

AND HIS LAST ONEABOUT AN HOUR AGO.

- HE WOULD ROAST EVERYTHINGABOUT THE PERSON.

YOU KNOW, AND EVENTUALLY,LIKE, HIS REAL FEELINGS

COULD COME THROUGH,YOU COULD SEE, YOU KNOW?

HE STOPPED MAKING JOKES ATA CERTAIN POINT AND HE SAID...

- HOW THE FUCKARE YOU SO POPULAR?

[laughter]

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.

THIS ONE FINALLYBROKE MY BACK.

- I THINK HE REALLY WANTED LARRYTHE CABLE GUY TO ANSWER HIM

IN SOME WAY.

BOB SAGET, EVERYBODY.HUH, BOB SAGET.

- GREG'S THE FIRST PERSONOUT OF THE GATE,

WHICH IS--ANY GOOD COCKFIGHT,

YOU SEND OUTYOUR BEST ROOSTER.

AND I'M JUST SITTING THERE.

AND WHEN I SAY COCKFIGHT...

- WHO GIVES A SHITABOUT BOB SAGET?

BOB, YOU ARE A GENITAL WARTON THE COCK OF AMERICAN CULTURE.

- AND I'M LOOKINGLIKE I'M HAPPY.

BUT MY POSTURE'S BAD,

AND I WAS NOT, LIKE,OVERJOYED.

AND I WAS GETTINGMIND RAPED.

AND EVERYTHING HE SAIDWAS RIGHT.

- YOU ARE A VORTEXOF ARTISTIC COMPROMISE.

CHARLIE SHEEN WATCHES YOUAND FEELS GOOD ABOUT HIMSELF.

[laughter]

- THE STAGE MANAGER YELLS,

"JOEL WANTS YOU TO SIT UP ANDLOOK LIKE YOU'RE ENJOYING THIS."

- NO, JUST YOU LOOKEDA LITTLE UNCOMFORTABLE.

- AND I'M LIKE, WHAT?

SEE, THAT'S WHAT I HAVETO CONTRIBUTE.

IT'S NOT MUCH.

- THE STORY OF GIRALDO FOR MEWAS HE WAS JUST A GREAT GUY.

YOU KNOW, I'D LIKE TO SAY,OH, HE WAS THE GUY OF APPETITES.

BOY, YOU SAW THIS COMING.

IT WASN'T THAT WAY.

HE WAS ALL OF US.

- GREG'S THE OLDESTOF THREE OF US.

MYSELF, I WASTHE SECOND CHILD,

AND MY SISTER ELIZABETHWAS THE BABY OF THE FAMILY.

MY DAD WAS FROM COLOMBIA,MY MOTHER FROM SPAIN.

RAISED IN QUEENS, NEW YORK.

TYPICAL MIDDLE CLASS.

THERE WASN'T ANYTHINGTHAT WOULD JUMP OUT AT YOU

AS BEING ANYTHING,YOU KNOW,

THAT LED HIM INTOSOME CRAZY WORLD OF COMEDY.

- YOU ARE YOU?

- GREG GIRALDO.

- OKAY, HOW LONGYOU BEEN DOING COMEDY?

- 35 YEARS.

NO, IT'LL BE TWO YEARSIN MARCH.

- WE BOTH, I STARTEDAT THE COMEDY CELLAR

IN THE SAME WAY.

AND WE WEREJUST IN THE SORT OF,

AS COMICS COMEIN SORT OF CLASSES

IN LITTLE FIVE-YEAR CLUSTERSLIKE LOCUSTS.

- GREG AND I GO BACKTO MY FIRST DAY IN COMEDY.

I WALK INAND THE FIRST PERSON I SAW

IS SKINNY, YOUNG GREGIN THE CORNER OF THE CLUB

JUST SWEATINGLIKE A NERVOUS WRECK.

HE WAS LIKEA WET SQUIRREL.

I MEAN, FROM THAT TIMETHAT WE DID THAT FIRST SHOW

YOU JUST KNEWTHERE WAS NO WAY ABOUT IT

WE WERE COMEDIANS.

- I ACTUALLY HEARDSOMEBODY THE OTHER DAY,

HE SAID, "THESEILLEGAL ALIENS COME OVER

"AND TAKE AMERICAN JOBS.

THEY'RE TAKING AWAY JOBSFROM AMERICANS."

REALLY?

WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU LOSTA JOB TO AN ILLEGAL ALIEN.

YOU WANT TO DELIVERYOU OWN CHINESE FOOD?

IS THAT A JOB YOU'REHAVING TROUBLE GETTING?

DO YOU WANT TO RIDE YOURSHITTY LITTLE BIKE

DOWN BROADWAY IN THE RAIN?

I USED TO HANG OUTAT THE OPEN MICS

AT, LIKE, NEW YORKCOMEDY CLUBS AND GLADYS'S

JUST FOR FUN, YOU KNOW?- FOR FUN?

- YEAH, JUST I WOULDHANG OUT THERE.

IT WAS A GOOD TIME, A LOT OFMY BUDDIES WOULD HANG OUT.

AND I JUST THOUGHT, YOU KNOW,

I COULD NEVER BE AS GOODAS EVERYBODY THERE, BUT, UH...

[laughs]

- I REMEMBER SEEING HIM ONE TIMEIN A SUIT AND TIE,

AND I SAID,"YOU LOOK LIKE A LAWYER."

AND HE WAS A LAWYER.

SO, YOU KNOW,TIP OF THE HAT TO ME, HUH?

- WE WERE JUST MISERABLEAS LAWYERS

AND TRYING TO FIGURE OUTHOW TO GET OUT.

I REMEMBER HIM SAYING,"I GOTTA DO SOMETHING I LIKE."

- DURING THAT TIME PERIOD,

STAND-UP COMEDY WAS A CAREER

THAT DID NOT HAVEA LOT OF OPENINGS.

SO I USED TO JOKE AROUNDTHAT IT WAS LIKE

PURSUING A CAREERIN PHONOGRAPH REPAIRMAN.

- FUCKING HARVARD LAWYER.

IT WAS JUST LIKE A JOKE.

IT'S LIKE SAYING,"OH, THERE'S THAT COMEDIAN.

HE'S ALSO A BRAIN SURGEON."

- WELL, HERE'SA HARVARD LAWYER

WHO DECIDED TO DOWHAT WE DO.

ALL OF A SUDDEN WE'RE ALLA LITTLE BIT MORE FANCY.

- I GOT ARRESTED AND SPENTA NIGHT IN JAIL IN VIRGINIA

FOR DRINKING A BEERON THE SIDEWALK.

IN NEW YORK I COULDA BEENDRINKING THAT BEER

OUT OF THE HOLLOWED-OUT SKULL

OF SOMETHINGI'D JUST DECAPITATED.

I COULDA BEEN STANDINGON THE HOOD OF A COP CAR

MOCKING THE OFFICERSWITH IT.

"CHEERS, BIG EARS!"

I COULDA BEEN DOING FUNNELSOUT OF THIS HEAD'S NOSTRILS,

AND THERE WOULD HAVE BEENNO PROBLEMS AT ALL,

UNLESS I WASILLEGALLY PARKED.

YOU KNOW, THAT--[laughter]

- I GOT BUSTEDFOR INCITING A RIOT

AT THIS COLLEGE GIG.

I HAD NO MONEYFOR A LAWYER.

I WAS AN OPENING ACT.

YOU KNOW,I DIDN'T WANT A RECORD.

HE SAID, "YEAH, I'LL HELP YOUGET OUTTA THAT.

THAT'S NO PROBLEM."

WE EACH HAD OUR ONE GOODSUIT AND TIE ON,

AND GREG, LIKE,WORKED CIRCLES

AROUND SOME LOCAL JUDGE.

AND HE GOT MY INCITINGA RIOT CASE DISMISSED.

AND WE WERE BUDDIESEVER SINCE THEN.

- IT WAS A RIDICULOUS THOUGHT

THAT I COULD POSSIBLY EVERWORK IN A REGULAR JOB.

I JUST THOUGHT, YOU KNOW, I'DTAKEN THE LSATS AND ALL THAT.

IT WENT WELL, AND GOING TO LAWSCHOOL WAS FUN ENOUGH I GUESS.

BUT THEN TRYING TO BEA REAL WORKING LAWYER

WAS NOT AN ISSUE,NOT AN OPTION.

I'M SITTING HEREABOUT TO PERFORM

IN FRONT OFA GIANT AUDIENCE

WITH MY PANTSELECTRICAL TAPED TOGETHER.

SO IMAGINE THE KINDOF LAWYER I WOULD BE.

I WAS ON THE SUBWAYTHE OTHER DAY.

I SAW THESE HOMELESS GUYSSINGING A CAPELLA.

THEY WERE HOMELESS AND THEY WERESINGING A CAPELLA FOR MONEY.

HOW'D THOSE GUYSEVEN MEET?

HOW DO YOU BUMP INTOOTHER A CAPELLA ENTHUSIASTS

WHEN YOU'RE OUT THEREON THE HOMELESS TRAIL?

YOU THINK THEY'RE JUST SITTINGAROUND THE SHELTER ONE DAY.

"I NEED SOME CRACK."

♪ ME TOO, ME THREE

OH!

- I CAN'T EVER REMEMBER,LIKE, LOOKING BACK

REMEMBERING GREGWHEN HE WAS NEW.

EVEN THOUGH HE WAS NEWWHEN I SAW HIM,

HE WAS JUST ALWAYSAN AWESOME COMIC.

- WHEN YOU START OUT,

YOU DO A LOT OF DICKAND MIDGET AND PUSSY JOKES.

HE WAS WRITINGTOPICAL STUFF.

HE HAD, LIKE, YOU KNOW,DIRTY, FILTHY STUFF

BUT REALLY SMART STUFF.

I FOUGHT THAT.

I'M STILL DOING THE DICK ANDPUSSY AND MIDGET STUFF, OKAY?

- HILARY CLINTONIS PROBABLY GONNA GET INDICTED

ON WHITEWATER CHARGES.

AND BECAUSE CLINTON'SSTILL PRESIDENT,

HE GETS TO DECIDE WHETHERTO PARDON HER OR NOT.

HE GETS TO DECIDE WHETHERTO PARDON HIS OWN WIFE.

WHAT AN AMAZING RELATIONSHIPBARGAINING CHIP THAT IS.

YOU KNOW,IF YOU GET TO DECIDE

WHETHER YOUR WIFEGOES TO PRISON OR NOT,

WHO PICKS THE MOVIES THEN,YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

A ROAST IS SOMETHING

WHERE YOU CAN BE BRUTALBECAUSE IT'S WITH LOVE.

AND IT NEVER OCCURS TO METHAT ANYONE MIGHT HAVE

ACTUALLY ILL FEELINGSTOWARDS ME,

WHICH IS I'M SURE NOT TRUEBUT A GREAT WAY TO LIVE.

- COURTNEY, WHAT THE HELLHAPPENED TO YOU?

YOUR CAREER DRIED UP FASTERTHAN SARAH SILVERMAN'S PUSSY

AROUND GUYS WHO CAN'THELP HER IN THE BUSINESS.

- WE WERE INTHE CAR TOGETHER,

AND HE WAS TALKING ABOUTDOING THE FLAVOR FLAV ROAST.

AND WE JUST STARTEDKINDA RIFFING ON IT.

AND I THINK THAT'S WHEN ITKIND OF OCCURRED TO HIM

THAT, LIKE, OH, HEY,I THINK WE COULD BE GOOD

AT THAT TOGETHER,

AND THE FIRST JOKEWE KINDA WROTE WAS...

- ICE-T,YOU FUCKING FOSSIL.

YOU'RE SO OLD

THE FIRST THING YOU BOUGHTWITH YOUR RECORD DEAL MONEY

WAS YOUR FREEDOM.

[laughter]

- AND WHEN ICE-T THREW HIS HEADBACK AND APPLAUDED

ABOUT THATPARTICULAR JOKE,

I THINK EVERYBODYKINDA KNEW, LIKE,

OH, THIS IS OKAY.

- I'VE NEVER ROASTEDAN OILY CADAVER BEFORE.

YOU'RE LIKE A TURD WITH TEETH.LOOK AT YOURSELF.

I DON'T TRY SO MUCHTO BE FUNNY,

AS I JUST TRY TO MAKEPEOPLE UNCOMFORTABLE

AND IDEALLY RAISE A LOTOF UGLY TRUTHS.

AND TRY NOTTO SHIT MYSELF.

IF I CAN GET TWO OUTTA THREE,

I FEEL PRETTY GOODABOUT THAT.

- WE'RE A TEAM.WE'RE A COMEDY DUO.

WE'RE A DUO.- DID YOU HAVE FUN?

- OH, WE'RE TALKING?I'M POSING FOR A FUCKING--

I'M POSING FOR A STILL SHOTLIKE A DOUCHE BAG.

WHAT AM I,A FUCKING 90-YEAR-OLD MAN?

HEY!HEY, ALL RIGHT.

- THE FIRST TIMEI WAS ON THE ROAST,

I KIND OF, YOU KNOW--TO ME, MY AUDIENCE WAS GREG.

LIKE, IF I CANMAKE HIM LAUGH,

THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS.

- I THINK THOSE ROASTS REALLYDID HELP FOCUS HIM,

LIKE, ON, LIKE,ON WHAT HE WAS GOOD AT,

WHICH IS JUST, LIKE, CUTTING,REALLY, REALLY FUNNY

DIRTY-YET-CLEVER JOKES.

- THIS WOMAN THE OTHER DAY,SHE HAD GLITTER ON HER CHEST.

GLITTER, AND SHE CATCHES MEGLANCING OVER.

AND SHE'S LIKE...

YOU HAVE SHINY SHITON YOUR TITS.

WERE YOU HOPINGTO DIVERT ATTENTION?

THAT'S NOT A GREATSTRATEGY.

YOU KNOW, WHY DON'TYOU HIRE A MARCHING BAND

TO WALK AROUND YOUWITH NEON TITTY SIGNS.

[imitating band playing]

"WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?WHAT ARE YOU LOOK--

I'M UP HERE.LOOK ME IN THE EYES."

IT WAS A LOTOF TEMPTATION.

BUT, YOU KNOW, WE WERE THERETO DO A JOB,

AND I THINK WE DID IT.[laughs]

- YOU ROCKED, AND I'M NOTJUST SAYING THAT.

- HEY, SUCK-UP, I'M OVER HERE.IT WAS MY SHOW.

- NO, YOU DIDN'T DO AS WELLAS I EXPECTED.

YOU, ON THE OTHER HAND,KIND OF BLEW.

- AT ONE POINTDURING HIS SET,

THE FIRE ALARMIN THE CASINO WENT OFF.

- THESE LITTLE FUCKING12-YEAR-OLD GIRLS

WALKING AROUND WITH JUICY--[alarm blares]

HOLY SHIT.

WAIT, ARE WE SUPPOSEDTO BE CONCERNED, ANYBODY, OR--

ALL THE FUCKING PRODUCERS,

THE PEOPLE IN THE SOUND TRUCKHAVE DRIVEN OFF.

IT'S JUST USBURNING TO DEATH.

- THAT'S KIND OF FUNTO, LIKE, DEAL WITH

FOR, LIKE, A MINUTE.

BUT IF KEPT GOING OFFTHROUGHOUT HIS SET,

LIKE OVER AND OVER AND OVER.

SO IT WAS AMAZINGHOW HE HANDLED IT.

- HOW BAD WOULD THAT BLOW?

I QUIT DRINKING, I'M IN VEGASWITHOUT DRINKING,

AND THEN I DIE IN A FUCKINGFIERY CRASH THAT DAY?

- AS A GUYWHO DID DRINK HEAVILY,

I MEAN, I TOTALLY GOT IT,

AND I KNEWWHAT HE WAS GOING THROUGH.

AND FEW PEOPLE KNOW THAT,LIKE, HE REALLY DID,

UM, TRY TO GET SOBER.

I MEAN, HE REALLY DID.

BUT I THINKIN HIS HEAD THAT, LIKE,

HE WAS JUST TOO SMARTFOR IT ALL, YOU KNOW?

HE REALLY JUSTWAS TOO SMART FOR IT.

- SAY CHEESE!- OH, YOU GOT IT.

NICE!

[cheers and applause]

'CAUSE I GOT TO PICK SOME OFTHE COMICS WHO WERE ON IT.

AND ONE OF THEM WAS GREG.

- THIS GUY LOOKS FUNNY THOUGH.- THIS GUY IS GOOD.

- HE ACTUALLY LOOKS FUNNY.- THANKS.

- I THOUGHT HE WAS AN UNDERCOVERCOP IN A '70S TV SHOW,

BUT HE'S NOT.

AND GREG REALLYDID ME A SOLID.

- AFTER DINNER, WE GO TOTHE MAKE-YOUR-OWN SUNDAE BAR,

AND WE MAKE SUNDAESFOR EACH OTHER.

- OKAY.- DANE IS SOBER,

BUT THE REST OF US, LIKE,WE WERE HARD-CORE DRUNK.

SO, LIKE, WE DEFINITELYCOULDA, LIKE,

TORE THROUGH THAT TOWN.

- I WAS INA RESTAURANT RECENTLY.

THE WAITRESS SAYS,"HEY, GANG, DID YOU LEAVE

"ANY ROOM FOR DESSERT?

DID YOU LEAVE ANY ROOMFOR DESSERT?"

DID YOU LEAVE ANY ROOMFOR DESSERT?

HOW GLUTTONOUSA CONCEPT IS THAT?

IS THERE ANY ROOM LEFT

IN YOUR FAT FUCKING BODYCAVITY FOR MORE?

DID YOU LEAVE ANY SPACE?

IS THERE ANY PHYSICAL WAYWE COULD CRAM MORE SHIT

IN YOUR FAT, BLOATED FACE,YOU FAT FUCK?

ANY CHANCE AT ALL?

ANY SPACE IN YOURDISTENDED ESOPHAGUS?

WE GOT DUDES WITH PLUNGERSTHAT'LL COME OUT

AND CRAM ITRIGHT IN YOUR HEAD.

ANY CHANCE AT ALL?WON'T THAT BE NEAT, GANG?

WON'T THAT BE A GREAT WAYTO CELEBRATE

YOUR HAPPY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY.HAPPY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

[laughter]

- WHEN WE DIDTHE VEGAS SPECIAL,

IT WAS A LOTOF TEMPTATION.

BUT, YOU KNOW, WE WERE THERETO DO A JOB,

AND I THINK WE DID IT.[laughs]

- YOU ROCKED, AND I'M NOTJUST SAYING THAT.

- HEY, SUCK-UP, I'M OVER HERE.IT WAS MY SHOW.

- NO, YOU DIDN'T DO AS WELLAS I EXPECTED.

YOU, ON THE OTHER HAND,KIND OF BLEW.

- AT ONE POINTDURING HIS SET,

THE FIRE ALARMIN THE CASINO WENT OFF.

- THESE LITTLE FUCKING12-YEAR-OLD GIRLS

WALKING AROUND WITH JUICY--[alarm blares]

HOLY SHIT.

WAIT, ARE WE SUPPOSEDTO BE CONCERNED, ANYBODY, OR--

ALL THE FUCKING PRODUCERS,

THE PEOPLE IN THE SOUND TRUCKHAVE DRIVEN OFF.

IT'S JUST USBURNING TO DEATH.

- THAT'S KIND OF FUNTO, LIKE, DEAL WITH

FOR, LIKE, A MINUTE.

BUT IF KEPT GOING OFFTHROUGHOUT HIS SET,

LIKE OVER AND OVER AND OVER.

SO IT WAS AMAZINGHOW HE HANDLED IT.

- HOW BAD WOULD THAT BLOW?

I QUIT DRINKING, I'M IN VEGASWITHOUT DRINKING,

AND THEN I DIE IN A FUCKINGFIERY CRASH THAT DAY?

- AS A GUYWHO DID DRINK HEAVILY,

I MEAN, I TOTALLY GOT IT,

AND I KNEWWHAT HE WAS GOING THROUGH.

AND FEW PEOPLE KNOW THAT,LIKE, HE REALLY DID,

UM, TRY TO GET SOBER.

I MEAN, HE REALLY DID.

BUT I THINKIN HIS HEAD THAT, LIKE,

HE WAS JUST TOO SMARTFOR IT ALL, YOU KNOW?

HE REALLY JUSTWAS TOO SMART FOR IT.

- SAY CHEESE!- OH, YOU GOT IT.

NICE!

[cheers and applause]

AND EVEN WHEN THEY SAID NO

AND EVEN WHEN HE GOT ANOTHERREJECTION, HE JUST KEPT GOING.

- LAST COMIC STANDING!

- GREG JUDGING LAST COMIC STANDING,

I THINK WAS GREAT FOR THE SHOW

BECAUSE OF HISUNIVERSAL RESPECT.

- UNCLE MIKEY DID HEROIN,

WHICH FEELS LIKEYOU'RE NAKED IN A POOL

FULL OF PUPPIES...

- HE WAS, I WOULD SAY,THE SIMON OF THE GROUP.

- MIKE, YOU'RE ALWAYS FUNNY.YOUR JOKES ARE ALWAYS FUNNY.

YOU'RE LIKABLE VIOLENT PEOPLE.

- YOU KNOW, HE WOULD...TELL IT LIKE IT IS.

- FROM LAST COMIC STANDING,

WILD CARD GREG GIRALDO.

- ALL SEASON LONG I WAS LIKE,"WE GOTTA GET GREG.

WE GOTTA GET GREG,"AND IT WASN'T UNTIL

THE FINAL SHOWOF THE FIRST SEASON

THAT WE FINALLY GOT HIM ON.

AND HE SITS THERE WITHGWYNETH PALTROW

AND JERRY SEINFELDAND JUST BLOWS IT OPEN.

HE WAS POISED, HE WAS FUNNY.HE STOLE THE SHOW.

- YOU KNOW, HE'S SO HAPPY.HIS WIFE HELPS.

YOU'RE SO HAPPY.GWYNETH--OH, LOOK AT US!

A ROCK STAR! [mutters]WE'RE ALL HAPPY!

ALL WE DO IS JUST LOOKINTO EACH OTHER'S EYES

AS WE BURN PILES OF MONEY!

- HE LIKED THE ROCK AND ROLLASPECTS TO COMEDY.

HE WOULD TALK ABOUT COMEDYLIKE...LIKE HE WAS

THE ROLLING STONES.

AND I WAS LIKE,"I THINK WE'RE LIKE BOB DENVER."

SO WHEN STORSWOULD COME BACK

AND HE WAS STARTINGTO GET MIXED UP

OR WHATEVER WAS HAPPENING,

I WOULD ALWAYS WORRYABOUT HIM FOR SURE.

AND THEN--BOOM.THEN IT HITS YOU.

I DON'T KNOW.

YOU KNOW...

THERE'S NOT...THERE'S NOT MUCHYOU CAN REALLY SAY

IN THOSE MOMENTS.

- THIS HOMELESS GUYASKED ME FOR MONEY,

AND I WAS ABOUTTO GIVE IT TO HIM,

AND THEN I THOUGHT,"HE'S JUST GONNA USE IT

ON DRUGS OR ALCOHOL."

AND THEN I THOUGHT, "THAT'SWHAT I'M GONNA USE IT ON."

- HE WAS STRUGGLING WITHBOTH, UH, YOU KNOW,

ADDICTION AND--AND MARRIAGE, AND, UH,

GAVE HIM PLENTY OF MATERIAL.

- BEING MARRIED TO A GUYWOULD BE GREAT.

IT WOULD BE GREAT.

COULD YOU IMAGINESAYING SOMETHING

AND HAVING THE WORDS YOU SAID

INTERPRETED EXACTLYTHE WAY THAT YOU INTENDED

YOUR WORDS TO BE INTERPRETED?

"REMEMBER WHAT YOU SAIDTEN YEARS AGO

"WHEN YOU WERE DRIVING THE CAR

ON THE WAY TO MY MOTHER'SHOUSE?"

"NO.""OH, ME NEITHER! I'M A DUDE.

SHIT, NEVER MIND.FUCK IT..."

- GREG HAD SOME ANGER,

PARTICULARLYIN THE PAST COUPLE YEARS.

WAS SAYING STUFF ON STAGEWHERE I WAS LIKE,

"WOW, I CAN'T BELIEVE...HE'S SAYING THAT."

- "I HATE YOU GOTTA GO ON THEROAD TO GET DRUNK ALL THE TIME."

"WELL, I HATE GOINGON THE ROAD TOO, MY LOVE,

"BUT I'M JUST TRYINGTO EARN A GODDAMN LIVING.

"AND IF GETTING DRUNKIS THE ONLY WAY

"I CAN ANESTHETIZE MYSELFENOUGH

"TO ENTERTAIN A BUNCH OF FREAKSI HAVE NOTHING IN COMMON WITH,

"I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT YOU,

"AS THE WOMAN WHO SUPPOSEDLYLOVED ME FOR WHO I AM,

WOULD SHOW ME ONE FUCKINGSHRED OF COMPASSION."

"I WOULDN'T HAVE MARRIED YOUIF I KNEW YOU WERE GONNA

"GO ON THE ROAD AND GET DRUNKAND WORK IN NIGHT CLUBS.

I WOULDN'T HAVE MARRIEDSOMEONE LIKE THAT."

"YES, YOU WOULD HAVE,'CAUSE THAT'S HOW WE MET

IN THE FIRST PLACE, REMEMBER?"

- I MEAN, YOU COULD TELL

HE WAS BEING PERSONALWITH EVERY BIT.

THAT'S WHAT MADE HIM GREATTOO, IS LIKE...

HE'D BE TALKING ABOUTTIGER WOODS,

BUT HE'S TELLING PEOPLELIKE THIS IS ABOUT GUYS,

MY FRUSTRATION.

- 'CAUSE I WAS A LOSER NERDYLITTLE GOLFER GEEK FOR YEARS,

AND NOW I HAVE ACCESSTO ALL THESE WOMEN,

AND IT'S VERY HARD TO JUSTTURN THAT BUTTON OFF.

I MEAN, I REALLY WANTTO HAVE SEX WITH THEM.

AND IT WOULD MEAN NOTHINGTO ME.

I LOVE YOU AND I LOVEOUR FAMILY,

BUT OCCASIONALLY I WANNAHAVE SEX WITH SOME WOMEN.

IT WOULD MEAN NOTHING!AND I KNOW YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND,

'CAUSE MEN AND WOMENARE DIFFERENT LIKE THAT.

LIKE I DON'T UNDERSTANDA LOT OF THINGS ABOUT YOU.

LIKE I DON'T UNDERSTANDHOW MUCH YOU LOVE SHOES.

BUT IF HUNDREDSOF FREE PAIRS OF SHOES

SHOWED UP IN YOUR HOTEL ROOMEVERY NIGHT,

I GUARANTEE YOU'D KEEP A PAIREVERY ONCE IN A WHILE.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

- THERE'S NO PREPARATIONYOU CAN GO THROUGH

TO GO FROM MAKING A ROOMOF 300 PEOPLE LAUGH

AND THEN GOING HOME.

- WELL, EVERYBODY WHO DRINKS

EVENTUALLY STARTS TALKING ABOUTDRINKING.

I MEAN, I BOUGHT A HOUSEOFF OF IT.

- ONE TIME I WAS TRYINGTO GET ON A PLANE.

THEY WOULDN'T LET ME.THEY SAID I WAS TOO DRUNK

TO GET ON A PLANE--TOO DRUNK TO GET ON THE PLANE.

DO YOU KNOW HOW WASTEDYOU HAVE TO BE

FOR SOMEONE TO SAY,"SIR, YOU'RE JUST TOO DRUNK

TO SIT IN A SEAT."

- EVERY TIME HE WENTON A BINGE,

HE WOULD FEEL TERRIBLEABOUT IT.

GREG WAS A KIND,GOOD PERSON.

SO WHEN HE SCREWED UP,HE FELT BAD ABOUT IT FOR DAYS,

MAYBE WEEKS.

HE HATED HURTING HIS CHILDREN.HE HATED HURTING HIS WIFE.

HE HATED DISAPPOINTINGPEOPLE.

BUT THAT ADDICTIONJUST HAD HIM SO--

SO BADLY THATHE COULDN'T LET GO OF IT.

YOU KNOW, LOVING, ADORING

RESPECTFUL, UM,FEELINGS FOR HIM.

BUT I--THERE'S ALSO,

THERE'S LIKE A PART OF METHAT JUST IS LIKE...

"WHAT THE FUCK?"

- I REALLY DO MISS HIS, UH,YOU KNOW,

JUST KNOWING THAT HE'S THEREAND THAT I CAN CALL HIM.

YOU KNOW,LIKE I JUST SAW SOMETHING

THAT I REALLY WANNATELL GREG.

HE'LL THINKTHIS IS HILARIOUS.

AND YOU KNOWTHERE'S NOBODY THERE

ON THE OTHER ENDOF THE PHONE.

- ANY YOUNG COMICS COMING UP,

THAT'S WHERE YOU SHOULDTRY TO GET TO...

TO TRY TO BE THAT REALON STAGE

AND HAVE OBSERVATIONSSO ACUTE AND SO ORIGINAL--

THAT'S WHAT YOU SHOULDSTRIVE TO BE.

- INDIA AND PAKISTANHAVE NUCLEAR WEAPONS.

HOW DID THEY GETNUCLEAR WEAPONS?

THEY'RE--THEY'RE--THOSE ARE DIRT POOR COUNTRIES!

THEIR ARMIES DON'T EVEN HAVEMATCHING UNIFORMS,

FOR CHRIST'S SAKE.

THEY GO TO WAR,THEY GOTTA CALL EACH OTHER UP:

[accent]"WEAR SOMETHING TOUGH-LOOKING."

- MY LIFE IS SO MUCHHARDER NOW

THAN IT WAS WHEN I WAS YOUNGER.

I WANNA BE [bleep] NOWALL THE TIME, YOU KNOW?

BUT I CAN'T,BECAUSE NOW I'M AN ALCOHOLIC,

AND I CAN'T DRINK AT ALL'CAUSE WHEN I DO,

I END UP SNORTING CRYSTAL METHOFF A SWITCHBLADE

IN SOME AFTER-HOURS BARTHINKING,

[bleep] I'M GONNA BE LATEFOR MY FLIGHT IN THE MORNING.

EXCEPT IT'S LIKE 2:00IN THE AFTERNOON,

AND THE FLIGHTWAS SIX WEEKS AGO.

YOU'RE LIKE, "HOLY [bleep],HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?"

- YOU CAN'T TRY TO, UH...

DWELL ON THE DARK SIDEOF GREG, BECAUSE...

IT WASN'T WHY WE LOVED HIM.

WE LOVED HIM BECAUSEHE WAS SO GENEROUS

WITH HIS LAUGHTERAND HIS SPIRIT AND HIS MIND

AND THE FACT THAT HE SHAREDHIS TALENT WITH US

AND THE FACT THATHE MADE US ALL LOOK SMARTER

BECAUSE HE WAS THISCOOL HARVARD LAWYER

WHO DECIDED TO BE A COMEDIAN

AND THEN BROUGHT THATTO THE ROASTS.

AND IT WAS JUST LIKEA GREAT MIND AND A GREAT SPIRIT

AND...I JUST TRYTO THINK OF HIM AS...

THE STAR THAT HE IS.

- LOOK AT THE THINGSWE ALL BELIEVE.

EVERY RELIGION'SGOT CRAZY STUFF.

I'M CATHOLIC.THE VIRGIN MARY.

WE HAVE A WHOLE RELIGIONBASED ON A WOMAN

WHO REALLY STUCKTO HER STORY.

YOU KNOW...

- HE REALLY ELEVATED COMEDY,

AND, UH, HE MADE ME PROUDTO BE A COMEDIAN.

YOU KNOW?

YOU LOOK AT GREG AND, UM...

AND HE MADE COMEDYLIKE A...

ADMIRABLE PROFESSION.

- I'M...NOT SURE I'M GONNASEE ANYBODY AS GOOD AS GREG

IN MY GO-ROUND.

AND THAT'S DEPRESSING TO ME.

LIKE ANY COMEDIAN,

I'VE MANAGED TO MAKE THISABOUT ME.

[laughs]

THIS ISN'T ABOUT GREG.THIS IS ABOUT...HOW...

I DON'T GET TO BOOKGREG ANYMORE.

- I HOPE HE ENDS UP, UH...

KNOWN FOR MORE THAN BEINGJUST REALLY GREAT ON ROASTS,

BECAUSE THAT WAS REALLY LIKEJUST IN HIS PINKIE.

- RIGHT AFTER HE PASSED AWAYIT WAS ALWAYS LIKE INSULT-COMIC

KNOWN FOR THE ROASTS.

THAT JUST SO MINIMIZESWHAT HE DID.

- ANYBODY THAT KNEW HIS WORK,

THE INSULT-COMICIS THE LAST THING

THAT WOULD COME OUT OFYOUR MOUTH.

- HE WASN'T MEAN.HE JUST WASN'T A MEAN GUY.

HE WAS, UH...HE JUST REALLYHAD A GOOD HEART.

REALLY HAD A GOOD HEART.

- I DON'T KNOWIF GOD CARES OR NOT.

IS UNRELENTING BELLIGERENCETO SOMEONE THAT DESERVES IT.

[laughs]

"WHY YOU SLEEPIN'?"

"ME DON'T KNOW.ME GOT UP EARLY."

- WHEN YOU SEE A RERUNOF ONE OF GREG'S SPECIALS

OR ONE OF HIS APPEARANCESON THE ROAST,

YOU FORGET HE'S GONE.

YOU WATCH IT, AND YOU FEELLIKE HE'S STILL AROUND.

- FLAVOR FLAV!

[cheers and applause]

- THE FLAVOR FLAV ROASTWAS VERY SPECIAL

BECAUSE IT WAS A YEARWHERE THERE WAS A LOT

OF RACIAL HUMORHANDLED POORLY.

- I'M NOT GONNA SAYANYTHING ABOUT FLAV

THAT, UH, THAT HASN'TALREADY BEEN SAID

BY, UH, MICHAEL RICHARDS.

- BUT THE TRUTH IS,RACIAL HUMOR LIKE THAT,

WHEN HANDLED BY PROFESSIONALSIN THE RIGHT ENVIRONMENT,

LIKE THE FLAVOR FLAV ROAST

CAN BE EPIC.

IT CAN ACTUALLYBRING PEOPLE TOGETHER.

I REMEMBER FLAVOR FLAVIN THAT BIG THRONE

WITH THAT CLOCKAND THE SMILE,

AND HE WAS LIKE A LITTLE BOYAND IT WAS HIS BIRTHDAY.

YOU COULD NOT HURTTHIS GUY'S FEELINGS.

HE LAUGHED SO MUCH,YOU WOULD HAVE THOUGHT

HE DIDN'T EVEN UNDERSTANDENGLISH.

- YOU ARE ONE BLACKMOTHERFUCKER.

YOU'RE LIKE A SKELETONWRAPPED IN ELECTRICAL TAPE.

YOU LOOK LIKE IDI AMIN

AFTER A THREE-YEAR CRACK BINGEON THE SUN.

- HE WAS FUNNY, AND...NOBODY QUESTIONS FUNNY.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA GETA NETWORK CALL.

WHEN THINGS ARE WORKING,EVERYONE SHUTS UP.

PLEASE WELCOMETHE VERY FUNNY GREG GIRALDO.

- PEOPLE ALWAYS WANNA COMPARETHEIR DOGS TO YOUR KID.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKETO HAVE A KID

'CAUSE YOU HAVE A DOG.FIRST OF ALL,

NOBODY HAS A DOG 'CAUSETHEY WERE TOO DRUNK TO PULL OUT.

ALL RIGHT?THAT'S THE FIRST THING.

- WE HAD WORKED WITH GREG

THROUGH THE LATE NIGHT SHOW,

AND HE WAS JUSTTHE STAND OUT.

I THOUGHT, "LET'S TRY AND THINKOF SOMETHING FOR GREG."

- I'M COLOMBIAN.

- GET A LOAD OFTHE PUERTO RICAN

TRYING TO PASS HIMSELF OFFAS COLOMBIAN.

- WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?- A COLOMBIAN'S A PUERTO RICAN

WITH A JOB.- I LOVE IT--

THE BLACK GUYTALKING ABOUT JOBS.

- GREG WANTED TO PLAYA STAND-UP COMEDIAN.

WHICH, OF COURSE, WE WERE ALL,YOU KNOW, TREPIDATIOUS ABOUT

BECAUSE SEINFELD HAD SO FAMOUSLYPLAYED A STAND-UP COMEDIAN.

AND COMEDY ABOUT COMEDYIS NEXT TO IMPOSSIBLE.

- WE FINISHED THE PILOTAND, YOU KNOW,

WE WERE ALL SO FIRED UP.

YOU KNOW,IT ULTIMATELY DIDN'T GO,

AND I COULD TELL THAT THATWAS ANOTHER DAGGER FOR GIRALDO

'CAUSE IT WAS ANOTHER SHOWAND ANOTHER OPPORTUNITY

THAT SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED,AND IT DIDN'T, YOU KNOW?

YOU HAVE THE SEX APPEALOF A SCHOOL BUS FIRE.

YOU LOOK LIKE NICK NOLTEFUCKED A CLYDESDALE.

JON LOVITZ,YOU FUCKING GAY WEEBLE.

COME ON, JON, THERE HASN'TBEEN A MORE EFFEMINATE JEW

IN THE CLOSETSINCE ANNE FRANK.

[laughter]

- I THINK YOU CAN GET TO KNOWHIS PERSONALITY AT THE ROASTS,

BUT THE REAL GREG,YOU KNOW,

FANS WOULD GET TO KNOW HIMIF THEY WENT TO SEE HIM LIVE.

- A LOT OF MY FRIENDS,YOU KNOW, HAVE A LOT OF MONEY,

AND THEY WERE CALLING ME UP,YOU KNOW,

"HEY, DID YOU LOSE A LOT OFMONEY IN THE STOCK MARKET?

DID YOU GET CREAMED?"BUT I'VE HAD A LOT

OF PERSONAL PROBLEMSIN THE LAST FEW YEARS,

SO I DON'T HAVEANY MONEY AT ALL.

SO THEY'RE CALLING ME UP.I'M LIKE, "NO.

"ACTUALLY I HAVE EXACTLYTHE SAME AMOUNT OF MONEY NOW

AS I DID WHEN ALLTHIS [bleep] STARTED."

TURNS OUT INVESTING ALL MYMONEY IN TEQUILA AND STRIPPERS

WASN'T SUCH A BAD POLICYAFTER ALL, YOU KNOW?

[cheering]

- HE WAS SUCH A LIFE-FORCE.

HE WAS SO ANIMATED,

SO INTELLIGENT,SO PRESENT.

IT'S THE WAYHE ATTACKED A CROWD.

- NOW THEY HAVETHESE DVD SCREENS,

AND PEOPLE ARE PLAYING PORNDRIVING AROUND IN THESE SUVS

WITH PORN PLAYINGON THEIR DVD.

WHAT THE HELL KINDA--WHAT IFYOU GET IN AN ACCIDENT?

THE WHOLE CAR IS TOTALED,

BUT THE PORN IS STILLBLARING AWAY ON THE SIDEWALK.

- GIRALDO BELONGEDTO THE CLASS OF US

THAT WERE WORKERS,THAT SAT AND WROTE AND TRIED,

AND HE WAS ALWAYS PREPARED.

- HE WAS LIKEA FUCKING MINER.

YOU KNOW, HE WAS JUST--EXCAVATE.

HE WOULD HIT THE JOKEAND THEN HIT IT AGAIN

AND THEN HIT IT AGAINAND THEN HIT IT AGAIN,

AND HE'D FIND MOREAND MORE AND MORE.

- I'M PISSING IN THE SINKBECAUSE MY CRAZY WIFE

HAS LOCKED HERSELFIN OUR ONE BATHROOM,

AND SHE WON'T COME OUT

TILL I ADMIT THAT I HAVEA DRINKING PROBLEM.

WELL, IT'S GONNA BEA LONG WAIT, BUTTERCUP,

SO HANG IN THERE.

I'LL ALWAYS DO STAND-UP.

MY ENTIRE LIFE IS JUST TRYINGTO FUEL THIS STAND-UP MONSTER,

YOU KNOW, COME UP WITH IDEAS

AND COME UP WITH THINGSTO TALK ABOUT.

I CAN'T IMAGINE NOT DOING IT.

BUT I ALSO THINKTHAT ONCE YOU STOP,

THEN YOU REALLY STOPFOR GOOD.

THIS IN-AND-OUT THING,IS JUST, IT'S TOO PAINFUL

TO REGROUP AND RESTART,

AND YOU GOTTA BE IN ITALL THE WAY.

- GIVE IT UP FORGREG GIRALDO.

- GIVE IT UP FORGREG GIRALDO!

- THE CONCEPT OF MEBEING INTERVIEWED

ABOUT GREG GIRALDO,

THE GREAT COMEDIANWHO IS DEAD,

WOULD BE SO HYSTERICAL TO US.

- THE WEST NILE VIRUS.

YOU KNOW HOW THEY KNEWIT WAS COMING BACK

TO THE NEW YORK AREA?

THEY FOUND TWO BIRDSIN WHITESTONE, QUEENS

THAT WERE INFECTEDWITH THE VIRUS.

WHO FINDS THESE BIRDS?

I GREW UP IN QUEENS.

WE USED TO FINDDEAD BIRDS ALL THE TIME.

WE DIDN'T TAKE THEM INFOR AUTOPSIES, YOU KNOW?

WE PICKED 'EM UP AND WE THREWTHEM AT THE GAY KID.

THAT'S WHAT WE DID.

- THE THING ABOUT,YOU KNOW, GIRALDO,

THAT HE WASN'T A DICK.

- GREG GIRALDO.- OH, HI.

YEAH, THIS IS WHERETHEY ALL STOP SHOOTING.

- WHEN YOU WALKED INTO A ROOMAND YOU SAW GREG...

- IS EVERYONE ALLOWEDTO COME?

- YOU KNOW YOU'D BEGREETED WITH WARMTH.

- IT'S FUNNY, I'M ITALIAN.HE'S FROM QUEENS.

BUT WE ALWAYS USED TO DOTHIS FAKE ITALIAN GREETING.

HE'D GO,"HEY [imitating Italian]"

SOME WORD THAT WASN'TEVEN ITALIAN.

WE'D JUST, LIKE,HUG EACH OTHER.

BUT, UH, HE WAS ALWAYSUPBEAT, YOU KNOW?

- THEY DON'T GET THAT COMICSARE DARK, TORTURED SOULS,

THAT WE DON'T NEEDTO DANCE AROUND FOR ATTENTION.

- ARE YOU DARK AND TORTURED?

- HE IS.KID'S TWISTED.

- THEY DO SAYTHAT COMEDIANS ARE.

- HE'S LIKE GITMOIN HIS HEAD.

- GREG'S COMEDY WAS JUST REAL,YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

THERE WAS NO CHARACTER.THERE WAS NO PERSONA.

EVERYTHING HE DID,LIKE EVEN IN HIS ROASTS--

YOU KNOW, HIS ROASTSWERE SO EPIC.

HE JUST BLEW EVERYBODYOUT OF THE WATER.

YOU'RE A VEGETARIAN,

BUT YOU HAVE NO TROUBLESWALLOWING A MOOSE COCK.

YOU LIVER IS SO SHRIVELED,BLACK, AND DEAD,

IF YOU PUT YOUR EARTO YOUR SIDE

YOU CAN HEAR IT GO, "WHAT YOUTALKING 'BOUT, WILLIS?"

WHAT A NIGHT.

A COUPLE OF TROLLS,A FAIRY, AND A GIANT

ALL GOING AFTERA SUNKEN-EYED LITTLE MONSTER

WHOSE OBSESSED WITH JEWELRY.

IT'S LIKE THE LORD OF THE RINGS.

- HE KIND OFLET THE AUDIENCE KNOW,

THIS IS THE BAR.

THIS IS HOW HARD-CORETHIS NIGHT IS GONNA BE.

SO EITHER STAY TUNED OR TURNOFF YOUR TV NOW, YOU KNOW?

- NICHELLE NICHOLS,FARRAH FAWCETT,

AND BETTY WHITE.

I'LL TAKE WOMEN I WOULDMASTURBATE TO 30 YEARS AGO

FOR $1,000, ALEX.

[laughter and applause]

- HE WAS ONE OF THOSE GUYS

THAT JUST WENTBAM, BAM, BAM, BAM,

AND JUST TEARS.

- HE WAS--I HATE TO USE THE WORD

GIVEN THE CIRCUMSTANCESOF WHAT HAPPENED--

BUT HE WAS RELIABLE.

YOU KNOW, WATCH HIMON TOUGH CROWD, MAN.

NOBODY CAME WITH MOREPREPARED STUFF THAN HE DID.

- IF YOU COULD CHOOSE TO BE GAY,WHY WOULDN'T WE ALL DO IT?

WE WOULD YOU PUT UPWITH THE HASSLES

OF TRYING TO GET A WOMANTO HAVE SEX WITH YOU

IF YOU COULD JUST WALK INTOTHE STEAM ROOM AT THE "Y"?

- YOU KNEW YOU COULDRELY ON HIM.

THERE WOULD NEVER BENOTHING THERE, YOU KNOW?

- OR MAYBE THERE'SA NONVIOLENT WAY

TO SOLVE THE WHOLENORTH KOREA THING.

- GOOD THINKING.- THERE MIGHT BE.

THEY'RE ASKING FOR--WHAT?

- THERE'S A NONVIOLENT WAYTO SOLVE A PROBLEM

WITH A COUNTRY THAT WE HATETHAT HATES US

THAT'S GOT WEAPONSPOINTED AT US?

I DON'T THINK SO.- NO, YOU'RE RIGHT.

LIKE, RUSSIA, FOR EXAMPLE,THAT BIG RUSSIAN WAR.

THERE ARE THINGS THAT--THERE ARE THINGS THAT--

- WITH GUYS LIKE GREG,IF YOU SHOWED UP NOT PREPARED,

YOU'D GET YOUR HEADHANDED TO YOU.

- THIS GUY WRITES SO MANYJOKES BEFORE THE SHOW

IT'S NOT EVEN FUNNY.IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.

HE'S GOT A POCKETFUL OF THEM.

- THAT'S KINDA WHATWE DO HERE, DENNIS.

I'M A COMEDY WRITER.

- IT WAS DENNIS LEARYAND LENNY CLARKE.

- I'M NOT COMING BACK!

- HE WAS LITERALLYATTACKING THE KING

WITH THE KING'S GENERALTO HIS LEFT.

- I THOUGHT THE WHOLE IDEAWAS JUST GO OUT THERE

AND SORT OF, YOU KNOW,SPUR-OF-THE-MOMENT.

AND HE WAS LIKE,"YEAH, YOU KNOW,

BUT, YOU KNOW, YOU WANNA MAKESURE THAT YOU'RE FUNNY."

AND I WAS LIKE,"I'M NOT WRITING--

I DIDN'T COME HERETO DO HOMEWORK."

YOU'RE THE GUY IN SCHOOLTHAT DID ALL THE HOMEWORK

AND THEN ASKED IF THERE WAS ANYMORE THAT NEEDED TO BE DONE.

- YEAH, YEAH.THAT'S A GOOD POINT.

AND IF YOU HAD TRIEDA LITTLE COMEDY WRITING,

MAYBE YOUR SHOW WOULD STILLBE ON THE AIR.

- OH!

- I'M JUST SAYING.

- IT WAS LIKETHAT GREAT MOMENT

WHEN TWO GUYSARE ABOUT TO FIGHT

WHERE THEY JUST BOTH LOOKAT EACH OTHER

AND NEITHER ONE'S LIKE--

THEIR EYES ARE JUST GETTINGOPENER AND WIDER,

LIKE, YOU KNOW.

I THOUGHT THEY WERE JUSTGONNA START FIGHTING

IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SHOW.

- MEANWHILE THE HOST,COLIN QUINN,

I MEAN, ALL HE DIDWAS ACTUALLY

PUT HIS LEG UPON THE TABLE

THAT WAS IN BETWEENME AND GREG.

THAT WAS LIKE--WHAT WAS THAT?

LIKE THAT WAS GONNAKEEP US SEPARATED

IF WE DECIDED TO GO ATEACH OTHER?

OOH, COLIN'S KNEEIS IN THE WAY.

- THIS IS A MICROCOSM OF WHYWAR WILL NEVER END RIGHT HERE.

'CAUSE WE CAN'T EVENGET ALONG.

- NO, NO, NO, [bleep].WE'RE AT WAR.

YOU AND ME, WE'RE DONE.

IT WAS A GREAT MOMENT

WHERE I REALLY, UH,LOOKED LIKE A DOUCHE BAG.

AND I FELT BAD.

IN GREG'S DEFENSE,HE ACTUALLY--

HE WAS VERY PREPAREDFOR ALMOST ANYTHING

THAT COULDA HAPPENED.

HE HAD THE RESPECTOF REAL COMEDIANS.

- NOBODY WAS AS GOOD AS HIM

AND YET LIVEDAS HARD AS HIM

AND DELIVEREDCONSISTENTLY LIKE HIM.

- ONE OF THE MOSTCOMPELLING THINGS ABOUT GREG

WAS THAT THERE'SAN HONEST SOUL

INSIDE OF EVERYTHINGHE DID.

- THE THING ABOUT HIS COMEDY

WAS JUST BEING SO RAWAND HONEST AND REAL.

HE JUST WAS SUCHA REAL GUY.

- I WAS IN A SUBWAYTHE OTHER DAY.

THIS GUYS SCREAMSACROSS THE TRACKS,

SCREAMS ACROSS THE TRACKS,HE GOES,

"YO, MONICA,YO, MONICA,

YO, YOU GOT AIDS, YO."

AND I THOUGHT, WOW,THAT'S HOW THEY TELL YOU?

- HE HAD THIS BRAINTHAT WAS COMPLETELY

THIS, LIKE, SUPERCOMPUTERTHAT JUST WOULDN'T SHUT OFF.

IT HELPED HIM GENERATEALL THIS STUFF,

BUT IT ALSO TORTURED HIM.

[cheers and applause]

- THANK YOU, DAVE.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU GUYS WATCHA LOT OF HIP-HOP VIDEOS,

BUT, MAN, BITCHESARE THE SHIT.

BITCHES ARE SO MUCH BETTERTHAN REGULAR WOMEN.

THEY'RE ALWAYSIN A GOOD MOOD.

THEY JUST DANCE AROUNDIN THEIR THONGS

AND THEIR HIGH-HEEL SHOES,AND YOU GET TO SMOKE BONGS

AND PLAY THE XBOXALL DAY LONG.

THEY NEVER SEEM TO MIND.BITCHES NEVER COMPLAIN.

THEY NEVER TELL YOU TO TAKEYOUR FEET OFF THE COUCH.

OR, "WE GOTTA GO SEEMY MOTHER."

BITCHES DON'T EVENHAVE MOTHERS.

[cheers and applause]

GREG GIRALDO, VERY SIMPLY,WAS THE REAL THING.

HE HAD THE RESPECTOF REAL COMEDIANS.

- NOBODY WAS AS GOOD AS HIM

AND YET LIVEDAS HARD AS HIM

AND DELIVEREDCONSISTENTLY LIKE HIM.

- ONE OF THE MOSTCOMPELLING THINGS ABOUT GREG

WAS THAT THERE'SAN HONEST SOUL

INSIDE OF EVERYTHINGHE DID.

- THE THING ABOUT HIS COMEDY

WAS JUST BEING SO RAWAND HONEST AND REAL.

HE JUST WAS SUCHA REAL GUY.

- I WAS IN A SUBWAYTHE OTHER DAY.

THIS GUYS SCREAMSACROSS THE TRACKS,

SCREAMS ACROSS THE TRACKS,HE GOES,

"YO, MONICA,YO, MONICA,

YO, YOU GOT AIDS, YO."

AND I THOUGHT, WOW,THAT'S HOW THEY TELL YOU?

- HE HAD THIS BRAINTHAT WAS COMPLETELY

THIS, LIKE, SUPERCOMPUTERTHAT JUST WOULDN'T SHUT OFF.

IT HELPED HIM GENERATEALL THIS STUFF,

BUT IT ALSO TORTURED HIM.

- FROM THE MOMENT HE GOT ONTO THE MOMENT HE GOT OFF,

HE DIDN'T TAKE A BREATH,AND IT WAS ALL FUNNY.

- WE NEED A WHOLE NEWENERGY SOURCE.

WE NEED SOMETHING ELSE.IT'S NOT GONNA BE CONSERVATION.

LET'S FACE IT, AMERICANSARE NOT GONNA CONSERVE.

WE'RE NOT GONNA SHIFTTO SMALLER CARS.

WE CAN'T!WE HAVE BIG, FAT KIDS.

- HE WAS ALSOTHE KIND OF COMIC

THAT YOU WENT,"OH, SON OF A BITCH."

IT WAS RIGHT IN FRONTOF EVERYBODY'S FACE.

HE FOUND IT AND I'M LIKE,

"WHAT AM I, AN IDIOT?"

- GAY MARRIAGE IS FINE

IF YOU WANTTO MAKE JESUS CRY.

[cheering]

I MEAN, IF THAT'S YOUR THING.YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

- THAT'S WHY WE LOVE HIM.

- THERE WASA DARKNESS ABOUT HIM

THAT TRANSCENDED BEAUTIFULLYIN HIS COMEDY.

- THAT'S WHAT MADE HIM FUNNY.

OTHERWISE, YOU KNOW,YOU GOT JIM BELUSHI

DOING ACCORDING TO JIM,YOU KNOW?

- EVERYBODY THINKS OF HIM,YOU KNOW, I THINK PUBLICLY

AS KIND OF A ROAST COMIC.

NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS

WOULD I THINK OF HIM AS, LIKE,AN INSULT COMIC OR A THING.

HE WAS A HEADY COMIC.

HE WAS NOT THE GUYIN THE CLUB

THAT YOU THOUGHTWOULD DIE.

NOT THAT FUNNY.

AND IN GREG'S CASE,HE WAS REALLY FUCKING FUNNY.

AND HE HAPPENEDTO BE REALLY SMART.

- THAT WHOLE THING OF, LIKE,WHETHER SOMEBODY'S

SMART OR NOT SMART,

YOU KNOW, I'M NOT TRYINGTO BE A PROFESSOR HERE.

I'M TRYINGTO MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH.

SO THAT AND ALSO THE FACT

THAT I HAVE MOMMY ISSUES

I THINK IS WHAT DRIVES ME.

- HE HAD ALL OF THE QUALITIES

THAT A STAND-UP COMEDIANWOULD WANT TO HAVE.

INTELLIGENT, GOOD-LOOKING,INTEGRITY.

HE COULD HAVE WORKEDOFF OF HIS ETHNICITY.

NEVER DID.HE NEVER DID.

- HOW DARE YOUNOT TAKE THE SHORTCUT

AND TALK ABOUT YOUR PEOPLEFOR AN HOUR

EVERY SINGLE NIGHTOF YOUR LIFE?

- MOST PEOPLE FIND OUTTHAT I'M HISPANIC,

THEY REACT THE SAME WAY.

LIKE, "WOW, MAN, YOU DON'TSEEM HISPANIC."

THEY SAY IT LIKEIT'S AN ENORMOUS COMPLIMENT.

"YOU DON'T SEEM HISPANIC.SERIOUSLY, YOU LOOK GOOD.

NICE WORK."

- YOU KNOW, EVERYBODYHAS, LIKE, A HOOK.

YOU THINK, LIKE,PEOPLE MIGHT HAVE A HOOK

IN WHAT MAKES THEM MEMORABLE.

LIKE, WITH GREG, IT WASALWAYS THAT HE WAS SMARTER.

- THESE REALITY SHOWS,THEY'RE GETTING SO EXTREME.

AND THEY'RE ALL SUCH COPIESOF EVERYTHING ELSE.

HOW 'BOUT THE CONTENDER?

EVERYBODY, OOH,IT'S THE CONTENDER.

THAT'S A GREAT SHOW.

THESE SHOWSARE FUCKING SOULLESS.

AND BY THE WAY,WE ALREADY HAD A SHOW

WHERE WE WENT AROUNDLOOKING FOR THE BEST BOXER.

IT WAS CALLED BOXING.

I DON'T KNOWIF YOU REMEMBER THAT SHOW.

IT WAS A REALLY GOOD SHOW,BOXING.

- YEAH, THERE'S TOO MANYCOMEDIANS OUT THERE

THAT ARE JUST SMART.

WELL, GO BE A SCIENTIST.

SMART AND FUNNY OFTEN MEANS

NOT THAT FUNNY.

AND IN GREG'S CASE,HE WAS REALLY FUCKING FUNNY.

AND HE HAPPENEDTO BE REALLY SMART.

- THAT WHOLE THING OF, LIKE,WHETHER SOMEBODY'S

SMART OR NOT SMART,

YOU KNOW, I'M NOT TRYINGTO BE A PROFESSOR HERE.

I'M TRYINGTO MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH.

SO THAT AND ALSO THE FACT

THAT I HAVE MOMMY ISSUES

I THINK IS WHAT DRIVES ME.

- HE HAD ALL OF THE QUALITIES

THAT A STAND-UP COMEDIANWOULD WANT TO HAVE.

INTELLIGENT, GOOD-LOOKING,INTEGRITY.

HE COULD HAVE WORKEDOFF OF HIS ETHNICITY.

NEVER DID.HE NEVER DID.

- HOW DARE YOUNOT TAKE THE SHORTCUT

AND TALK ABOUT YOUR PEOPLEFOR AN HOUR

EVERY SINGLE NIGHTOF YOUR LIFE?

- MOST PEOPLE FIND OUTTHAT I'M HISPANIC,

THEY REACT THE SAME WAY.

LIKE, "WOW, MAN, YOU DON'TSEEM HISPANIC."

THEY SAY IT LIKEIT'S AN ENORMOUS COMPLIMENT.

"YOU DON'T SEEM HISPANIC.SERIOUSLY, YOU LOOK GOOD.

NICE WORK."

- WHEN A COMICDEALS WITH A HECKLER,

THAT'S WHEN YOU REALLY SEE,LIKE, WHAT THEY'RE MADE OF.

- LET'S TALK ABOUTKEITH RICHARDS THEN.

IT'S NOT REALLY WHATI HAD PLANNED,

BUT WHY DON'TYOU TALK ABOUT IT?

WHAT EXACTLY IS THE STORY?

- HE SNORTED DAD.

- NOT SO EASY IS IT?

NOW IMAGINE TRYING TO DO THAT

WITH SOME FUCKING DRUNKSCREAMING IN YOUR FACE.

- WHEN IT WOULD GET BAD,I WOULD LOVE TO WATCH HIM

BECAUSE HE WOULDN'TLET THEM OFF THE HOOK.

- IS THAT PERSON SLEEPING?

THERE'S A DUDE SLEEPINGDEAD CENTER.

THAT IS [bleep] GREAT.

- THERE WAS THIS GUYIN THE AUDIENCE

WHO WAS ASLEEPDURING THE SPECIAL.

LIKE, HE WAS, LIKE,PASSED OUT,

LIKE IN THE THIRD ROW.

AND GREG JUST STARTEDTEARING INTO HIM.

THIS WAS AT THE TAPINGFOR HIS HOUR SPECIAL.

- DOESN'T STRIKE YOUAS A WEIRD CHOICE

TO FALL ASLEEPIN THE THIRD ROW

OF MY BIG TV TAPING?

I MEAN,I'M ALL FOR SLEEPING.

I'M SURE I'D BE SLEEPINGWATCHING YOU GROW WEED,

OR WHATEVER YOU DOFOR A LIVING,

BUT I--I'M JUSTTRYING TO WONDER

WHY YOU WOULD OPTFOR THAT.

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