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Monday, June 29, 2015

  • 06/29/2015
  • views: 7,805

Sarah Colonna, Zack Pearlman and Doug Benson list new catchphrases for Arnold Schwarzenegger, #SummerACeleb to ring in beach season and invent topical ice cream flavors. (21:15)

THIS HAPPENED ON FACEBOOK TODAY.

WELL, FOLKS, IT TOOK A GROUP OFCRANKY OLD

PEOPLE IN BLACK ROBES TOMAKE IT OFFICIAL BUT

MARRIAGE EQUALITY IS FINALLYTHE LAW OF THE LAND.

LOVE WON, LOVE WON.

TAKE A LOOK.

>>THIS MORNING, THE SUPREMECOURT RECOGNIZED

THAT THE CONSTITUTION

GUARANTEES MARRIAGEEQUALITY.

>> YES, POINTS!

AMERICA!

>> SO WE POSTED THIS OVERTHE WEEKEND.

OF COURSE WE COULDN'T BEHAPPIER.

OVER ON FACEBOOK EVERYONESHOWED THEIR SUPPORT WITH

RAINBOW FILTERS AND I MEANEVERYONE, EVEN

SCHWARZENEGGER WHO, THOUGHSTRAIGHT, SPENDS MORE TIME IN

THE GYM IN ONE WEEK THAN MOSTGAY MEN WILL IN THEIR ENTIRE

LIFETIMES, WHICH IS SAYING ALOT.

BUT AS USUAL, THE INTERNETHAD TO GO AND RUIN

EVERYTHING WITH DUMB DUMBBULL [BLEEP] LIKE THIS, "WHAT'S

WRONG WITH YOU, ARNIE? IHAVE TO UNLIKE."

TO WITCH ARNOLDNATURALLY REPLIED, "HASTA LA

VISTA."

GOOD JOB.

GOOD JOB.

(APPLAUSE)>> IT'S A MEAN "HASTA LA

VISTA." HE LEFT OUT "BABY."

THERE WAS NO TERM OFENDEARMENT.

>> GOOD-BYE.

>> COMEDIANS, NOW THATARNOLD IS ALL PROGRESSIVE

AND [BLEEP] WHAT IS ANOTHERGAY FRIENDLY CATCHPHRASE

CAN THROW OUT? SARAH COLONNA.

>> I'LL BE IN THE BACK.

(LAUGHTER)>> YES, POINTS.

>> ZACK PEARLMAN.

>> WHO IS YOUR DADDY, AND WHATDOES HE DO?

IS HE SINGLE?

DOES HE LIKE SHAVED GUYS?

>> YES, ALL RIGHT, DOUGBENSON.

>> IT'S NOT A TUMOR, IT'S ABONER!

>> I'M SO GLAD, YOU KNOW,IT'S UNFORTUNATE THAT IT

TOOK US THIS LONG BUT I'M SOGLAD IN 2015 THAT EVERYONE

IS FINALLY EQUAL IN THISWAY.

CONGRATULATIONS TO EVERYONEIN THE LGBT COMMUNITY

>> ALL RIGHT, RIPPED FROMTODAY'S INTERNET HEADLINES

IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

>> THE WORLD'S UGLIEST DOGCOMPETITION WAS HELD THIS

WEEKEND.

AN ANNUAL EVENT WHERE HUMANSIMPOSE THEIR STANDARDS OF

BEAUTY ONTO ANIMALS WHO JUSTWANT TO EAT THOSE PEOPLE AND

SNIFF THEIR BALLS. SO SOME OFTHE TOP COMPETITORS INCLUDED

THIS LITTLE CATASTROPHE HERE.

AND PUNK LEGEND IGGY POP.

BUT -->> DID YOU MEAN IGGY PUP?

>> I THINK HIS CONTACT ISFALLING OUT.

>> I THINK HIS CONTACT,RIGHT.

NO, HE'S JUST EXCITED BECAUSEHE'S GOT A LUST FOR LIFE.

>> I DON'T THINK HE'S INCONTACT WITH ANYONE.

>> HE LOOKS LIKE HE JUST DIDLIKE A POUND OF COCAINE.

>> YOU GUYS, I'M GOING TO[BLEEP] EVERYBODY!

[BLEEP] EVERYBODY.

>> ALL RIGHT.

THIS YEAR'S CHAMP BY THE WAYWAS QUASI MODO, A SHORT-

SPINED MIXED-BREED FROMFLORIDA WHO-- THIS DOG LOOKS

LIKE IT'S FROM FLORIDA.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TOSAY.

IT'S ACTUALLY HARD TO TELLIF THIS IS THE WORLD'S

UGLIEST DOG OR THE WORLD'SDRUNKEST HYENA.

>> COMEDIANS, AS QUASI MODOGIVE ME A LINE FROM YOUR

ACCEPTANCE SPEECH FOR WINNINGWORLD'S UGLIEST DOG.

>> FIRST OF ALL, I WOULDLIKE TO SAY GOD BECAUSE

THAT'S WHAT I AM SPELLEDBACKWARD.

AND BECAUSE HE CREATED A LOTOF THINGS FOR ME TO HUMP.

>> ALL RIGHT.

POINTS.

(APPLAUSE)>> ZACK.

>> I LIKE TO THANK MY MOM, AWELSH CORGI AND MY DAD,

WILLEM DAFOE.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

>> BIG NEWS FROM OUR LIVELEAK AFFILIATE IN BOOGER

CREEK GEORGIA. OVER THE WEEKEND,A CARAVAN OF HICKS WERE CAUGHT

DRIVING ON THE WRONG SIDE OFHISTORY WHEN THEY DECIDED

TO THROW A PARADE IN SUPPORT OFTHE REBEL HATE RAG.

THEN THIS HAPPENED.

>> THEY GOT A [BLEEP]CONFEDERATE [BLEEP] FLAG.

THIS IS SOME BULL[BLEEP].

THEY ABOUT TO WRECK -->> BOOM, BOOM.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> I COULDN'T AGREE MORE,

SIR, WHAT A RANDY TRAVESTY.

WE'RE STILL NOT SURE IFALCOHOL PLAYED A ROLE BUT IT

WAS NOON DURING ACONFEDERATE FLAG RALLY SO

PROBABLY.

PLEASE SUSPEND YOUR DISBELIEFLONG ENOUGH TO IMAGINE THESE

REDNECKS WERE INSURED ANDGIVE ME A LINE ON THE

INSURANCE CLAIM FROM THEACCIDENT AT THE CONFEDERATE

GRAY PRIDE PARADE.

>> IT AIN'T MY FAULT--I ASKEDJESUS TO TAKE THE WHEEL.

POINTS.

>> I GOT MYSELF INTO A REALMETH.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR THEHASHTAG WARS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> OH YEAH!

OH YEAH!

>> I'M SO NERVOUS.

OH MY GOD.

>> IT IS BEGINNING TO LOOK ALOT LIKE SUMMER BY WHICH I

MEAN A FLOOD OF JORTS ANDSUNBURNED SCALPS EVEN IF

THIS FESTIVE CAT WITH AFLOWER ON HIS HEAD IS

GETTING IN THE SUMMER SPIRIT.

>> THAT'S THE FACE I MAKEWHEN SOMEONE'S LIKE "ARE YOU

TICKLISH?"

NO, IT'S A CUTE LITTLE SONGABOUT FLOWERS WHICH IS A

CHANGE FROM MOST RUSSIANTUNES LIKE 'DEAR GOD TAKE ME

FROM THIS HELL' AND 'LIFE'SBEARABLE WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK.'

SO LET US CONTINUESPREADING THE

SUMMERY SPIRIT WITHTONIGHT'S HASHTAG,

#SUMMERACELEB.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE BEACHYONCE,OR BEE STING, OR TANNING TATUM.

I WILL PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK.

YOU KNOW, THERE NEEDS TO BEA WORD FOR WHEN YOU ANNOY

YOURSELF BUT YOU'RE ALSODELIGHTED BY YOURSELF AT THE

SAME TIME.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND BEGIN.

DOUG.

>> MUGGY AZALEA.

>> YES, POINTS.

>> DANIEL DAY-DRUNK LEWIS.

>> DOUG.

>> TONY BLAIR CONDITIONING.

>> SARAH.

>> MELANOMA GRIFFITH.

>> COLDSTONE STEVE AUSTIN.

>> YES, POINTS.

>> IGGY POPSICLE.

>> POINTS.

>> ZACK.

>> SNOOP HOT DOGG.

>> SARAH.

>> WAX YOUR BIKINI BECAUSEHARRY IS NOT IN STYLES.

>> (LAUGHTER)

>> TOOK A LONG WAY TO GETTHERE.

>> UNFORTUNATELY IT ONLYGROWS IN ONE DIRECTION.

(APPLAUSE)ZACK.

>> PAUL GEE-I'M HOTTIE.

IT IS TIME TO PLAY FASHIONPOLICE.

FASHION POLICE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> NOW A LOT OF YOU GUYS

WON'T REMEMBER THIS BUT IN THE1970s

THERE WERE BASICALLY ALOT OF TWO THINGS:

TERRIBLE FASHION AND COPSHOWS.

SO EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK SOMEGREASE BALL WITH

BELL-BOTTOMS WAS SLIDINGOVER THE HOOD OF A BUICK

DICKWAGON FIRING A SNUB NOSE .38INTO A CROWD OF REJECTED

"WELCOME BACK KOTTER" EXTRAS.

IT LOOKED LIKE THIS.

(APPLAUSE)>> THAT WAS-- THAT WAS

"STARSKY AND HUTCH" IN CASEYOU GUYS--

>> OH, OKAY.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT IT WAS.

OUR GOOD FRIENDS OVER ATWORLDWIDE INTERWEB COMPILED

AN AMAZING GALLERY FROM '70sMEN FASHIONS AND WE THOUGHT

IT WOULD BE COOL TO GIVE ALLTHOSE TURKEYS THEIR OWN COP

SHOW.

I WILL SHOW YOU AN IMAGEFROM A 70s FASHION CATALOG

AND I WANT YOU TO TELL MEWHAT THE COP SHOW WOULD BE

CALLED.

FIRST UP, THESE ROGUE ROGUES.

>> YES, DOUG BENSON.

>> "LACEY AND LACEY."

(APPLAUSE)>> POINTS.

>> SARAH.

>> "CSI: RUB AND TUG."

>> YES, POINTS.

>> THESE UNDERCOVERUNDERGARMENTS.

>> THOSE JUST LOOK LIKEECHO PARK HIPSTERS.

>> IF YOU JUST SAW THESE GUYSNOW WOULD YOU BE LIKE "YEAH

[BLEEP] HIPSTERS."

>> ZACK?

>> DIVORCE COPS.

>> POINTS.

(APPLAUSE)SARAH.

>> HILL STREET BLUE BALLS.

>> YES, POINTS.

>> THIS GUY'S NIPPLES MAKEME SAD.

>> OH MY GOD.

>> HE HAS WHAT I LIKE TOCALL TODDLER BODY.

>> HE DOES LOOK LIKE A GIANTTODDLER.

>> HE'S TAKING DADBOD TO THENEXT LEVEL.

>> IF YOU PHOTOSHOPPED SIDEBURNSONTO A BABY IT WOULD

LOOK LIKE THAT.

>> NEXT ONE.

>> THIS DEBONAIR PAIR. WHATWOULD YOU CALL THEIR COP

SHOW?

>> YES, ZACK.

>> OUR WIVES MADE THESE.

>> YEAH, OKAY.

POINTS.

>> DOUG.

>> BJ AND THE HUGGY BEAR.

>> POINTS.

WELL DONE.

>> THAT'S LIKE A ROMANCE,DOUG.

>> WHY IS EVERYONE STARINGAT US AT THIS PARTY?

WE ARE NOT FROM OUTERSPACE IF THAT'S WHAT YOU

WERE WORRIED ABOUT.

>> GET MY ZIPPER GLENN,I'VE GOT TO GO TO THE

BATHROOM.

>> OH, YEAH, THERE'S NO WAY.

>> YOU DEFINITELY JUST GO INTHE SUIT.

>> NOT GETTING OUT OF THERE.

>> WHAT ABOUT THESE COCKSURENUDISTS?

>> OH.

>> I MEAN YOU KNOW-- EVERYTHING'S FINE UNTIL

YOU GET TO THE GARGOYLE ONTHE TOP OF THE BUILDING.

>> HEPATITIS A, B, C, D ANDE.

>> OKAY, POINTS.

>> ALL THE LETTERS.

>> I WOULD CALL THAT LEMONPARTY OF FIVE.

>> YES.

YES, YES.

POINTS.

>> FINALLY, THIS GOLF OUTING.

>> FOR [BLEEP] AND THREESHEEP.

>> YES, POINTS.

>> I THINK WE CAN CLEAR THATWITH THE NETWORK.

DOUG.

>> THE BAGGER VANCE GANG.

(APPLAUSE)>> THEY'RE LEGENDARY.

>> I WANT TO THANK YOU.

I HAVE NOT HEARD A GOOD"BAGGER VANCE" REFERENCE

IN -->> YOU KNOW ME, CHRIS, I'M

GETTING BAGGY WITH IT.

BEFORE THE BREAK I SHOWEDYOU VIDEO OF SPACEX'S FALCON 9

ROCKET EXPLODING AND ASKED TOYOU TELL US WHAT THE FLIGHT

DIRECTOR PROBABLY TOLDMISSION CONTROL RIGHT AFTER

IT HAPPENED.

OTHER THAN GODDAMMIT!

MOTHER [BLEEP] DOG [BLEEP]YOU [BLEEP]!

[BLEEP], YOU-- SANDWICH[BLEEP] ABORTION SANDWICH.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> DIDN'T YOU SAY YOUR

MOTHER WAS BACKSTAGE?

>> MY MOM IS HERE TODAY,.

>> AFTER ALL THE BLEEPS, IT'SIS GOING TO BE "DOG SACK

PIECE ABORTION."

LET'S HEAR WHAT YOU WROTE.

LET'S START WITH YOU, ZACK.

>> EVERYBODY LET'S GET OURSTORY STRAIGHT.

WE'LL JUST TELL THE WORLDTHE FLIGHT WAS UNMANNED.

>> ALL RIGHT.

YEAH.

>> I DON'T THINK ANYONE WILLNOTICE. THAT'S LIKE THE 8th

EXPLOSION IN FLORIDA THISMORNING.

>> (APPLAUSE)

>> DOUG BENSON.

>> AH, SPEAKING OF DISASTERS,DID YOU GUYS SEE THE

BACHELORETTE LAST WEEK?

WHAT A TRAIN WRECK.

WE GO TO OUR NEXT GAME,PINTS!

>> HERE'S A LITTLE NEWSSCOOP FOR YOU. BEN AND JERRY,

THE ERNIE AND BERT OFLACTOSE, ARE CHANGING THE

NAME OF THEIR CHOCOLATE CHIPCOOKIE DOUGH FLAVOR TO I

DOUGH, I DOUGH TO COMMEMORATELAST WEEK'S HISTORIC SUPREME

COURT RULING ON GAYMARRIAGE.

LEAVE IT TO THESE VERMONTTRILLIONAIRES TO POKE FUN AT

AMERICA'S FESTERING CULTURALWOUNDS. COMEDIANS, WHAT ARE

OTHER FLAVORS BEN & JERRY COULDRENAME TO REFLECT CURRENT

EVENTS?

I WILL PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK, AND BEGIN.

>> BILL COSBY'S GRAPEALLEGATIONS.

(APPLAUSE)>> WHITE PRIVILEGE VANILLA.

>> YES, POINTS.

>> DONALD TRUMP'S RUMRACIST.

>> POINTS.

>> RACHEL DOLEZAL'S VANILLABEAN.

(APPLAUSE)>> SURPRISINGLY TASTES LIKE

CHOCOLATE, POINTS.

>> DOUG.

>> P. DIDDY'S KETTLEBELLCRUNCH.

(APPLAUSE)>> ZACK.

>> SCALIA'S EMPTY HEARTLESSCORE.

>> IT'S ADAM & EVE NOT BEN &JERRY.

>> POINTS.

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