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Show Me on the Doll

Nick shares an unfortunate pants-pooping incident, a trial lawyer uses unorthodox methods, and Beep Beep Sweep takes care of stubborn stains. (21:15)

Man: CLARENCE.

WE GOT 22-YEAR-OLDBANEEQUWA.

( applause )

AND LITTLE14-MONTH-OLD DEANDRE.

Audience:AW!

WHAT A CUTE LITTLE KID.

NOW, BANEEQUWA, DO YOUKNOW WHO DEANDRE'S FATHER IS?

YEAH.

HE SAID THATHE "LOVEDED" ME.

HE SAID THAT HE WASGONNA TAKE CARE OF ME.

BUT SOON AS I GOTPREGNANT WHAT HE DO?

- HE DISAPPEARED.- Audience: BOO!

HE IS A LYING PIECEOF -- PLAYA.

HARSH WORDS.HE SAID HE "LOVEDED" YOUAND LEFT.

PLEASE WELCOMEZARGON SQUIZLOZWEEZELZWEEBS.

( booing )

HUH-UH-UH.IT AIN'T EVEN LIKE THAT.

ALIEN BASTARD.

THAT IS YOUR BABY.THAT IS YOUR BABY.

NO IT AIN'T, BITCH.

OOOH!

SO YOU'RE SAYINGTHAT IS NOT YOUR CHILD?

NO WAY.I WOULD NOT

SHOVE A LOADOF SPACE NUT IN BANEEQUWA.

SHE'S DONE HALFTHE SOLAR SYSTEM.

THAT COULD BE SQUEEZO'SKID OR GLEEZOID'S.

- WOW.- GHETTO-ASS EARTH HO.

OOH!

YOU AND ALLTHOSE SPACE --.

OOH!

ALL EARTH WOMENARE HOS.

( clamoring )

I LOVED YOUIN "THE HELP."

EASY.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S GOTO THE CROWD AND GETSOME REACTIONS HERE.

SIRE, WHAT ARE YOUTHINKING ABOUT ALL THIS?

YO, I KNOW HOW WOMEN BE.THAT'S WHY I SIDE WITH THISGREEN -- RIGHT HERE.

GO GREEN FOR LIFE.YO, SQUIZLOZWEEZELZWEEBS'SMY BOY.

- OKAY, MA'AM.- ZARGON, YOU GOT TO TAKE YOUR MOON MONEY

- AND SUPPORT YOUR BABY.- ( cheering )

MM-HMM.

THAT'S A GOOD POINT.VERY GOOD POINT.

YO, TAKE A HOMIETO SPACE, --.

I TAKE CARE OF MINES.BUT THAT IS NOT MINES.

THAT KID DOESN'TEVEN LOOK LIKE ME.

- ARE THOSE MY EARS?- MM-HMM.

ARE THOSE MY ANTENNAE?

THAT'S YOUR BABY RIGHT THERE.YOU THE FATHER.

YOU KNOW,AND I LOVEDED YOU.

OH, I LOVEDED YOU.

DRINK FROM MYSPACE --, SKEEZER.

OOOH!

I'M GONNA KNOCK THE GREEN OFFOF YOU ONE MORE TIME HERE.

WHAT DO YOU SAY WE GOTHE PATERNITY TEST

AND FIND OUTWHO THE FATHER IS?

( cheering )

IS IT ZARGON?IS IT QUAZOID?

IS IT SQUEEZOID?IT IS SQUAZAPS?

OR IS IT SQUIZLOSWEEPS?

OKAY OKAY,JUST GET TO IT.

HERE WE GO.ZARGON,

YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER.

( clamoring )

THAT'S WHATI'M TALKING ABOUT!

TASTE MY -- LASER.

- ( screaming )- TAKE THAT!

OH, GENITAL LASERS.

TAKE THAT.

LOOK OUT FORTHE GENITAL LASERS.

SEE, CLARENCE?THAT'S WHAT HE DID TO ME.

THAT'S WHAT HE DID.HE LAYS IT ALL UP IN MY VAGEE.

I'M SORRY, BANEEQUWA.

SO TUNE IN NEXT WEEK.

WE'VE GOTAN ALIEN WITH 17 --.

THREE OF THEM ARE GAY.DOES THAT MAKE HIM GAY?

TUNE IN.THANKS FOR WATCHING.

I DON'T WEAR COLOGNE.ALL RIGHT? I DON'T.

THE BALCONY.

I WOULD THOUGH,IF CINNABON MADE A COLOGNE.

YEAH, RIGHT?

WHY HAVE THEYNOT DONE THAT YET?

IT'S THE BEST SMELL EVER.

YOU EVER JUST WALK THROUGHAN AIRPORT AND YOU'RE LIKE...

( inhales )OH, I WANT TO -- THAT.

( inhales )OH MY GOD.

I MEAN I BONE CINNABONSJUST AS THEMSELVES.

JUST THE BUN ITSELF.I'LL -- GO OFF.

IMAGINE IF--

I LIKE TO DRINK.IT'S NOT A SECRET.

I LIKE DAY DRINKING.IT'S FUN.

I LIKE JUST ONE DAY--

JUST TAKE LIKE A TUESDAY OFFAND JUST GET HAMMERED.

BUT LIKE AT NOON--

LIKE JUST GET BLACKED OUTAT LIKE NOON ON A TUESDAY.

BUT THEN JUSTGO ABOUT YOUR DAY.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

JUST GET BLACKED OUTAND LIKE GO TO THE BANK.

AND LIKE EVERYONE ELSEIS IN LIKE WORK MODE

AND YOU'RE JUST STANDINGIN LINE LIKE...

BUT IN YOUR HEADYOU'RE LIKE,

"NOBODY KNOWSI'M HAMMERED."

SUCH A COOL FEELING.

I LOVE IT.

THE WORD WHISKEY IN GAELIC,

THAT LANGUAGE,

IT MEANS WATER OF LIFE.

IT'S TRUE, BEARDO.

AND I THINK THAT'S REALLY NICEBECAUSE IT SOUNDS SO MUCH BETTER

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