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Speedo Racer

Ders is forced to revisit a traumatic event from his youth when Adam and Blake convince him to attend a reunion of his high school swim team. (21:13)

YOU'VE GOT MAILFROM CRANK YANKERS.

- I WONDER IF I'M STILL BANNEDIN ALL AOL CHATROOMS.

- CHUCK IT, MAN.I DON'T NEED IT.

- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?YOU DIDN'T EVEN OPEN IT, MAN.

COULD BE A SIGNED SET PHOTOFROM BOOTY CALL.

JAMIE FOXX?DIDN'T YOU ASK HIM FOR ONE?

- YES, I DID,BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT IT IS.

HEY, MAN, COME ON!DON'T OPEN THAT!

- OOH, IRVINE CENTRALHIGH SCHOOL ALUMNI SWIM MEET.

SEE, I KNEWIT'D BE SOMETHING YOU LIKE.

- I'M NOT GOING,AND I NEVER WILL.

- WHOA, ATTITUDE.

- DUDE!WHY AREN'T WE GOING TO A PLACE?

- I'M NOT GOING BECAUSE THE GUYWHO RUNS THE EVENT, TROY TORPEY,

GOT ME VOTED OFF THE STATERELAY TEAM IN HIGH SCHOOL.

- OKAY, THAT DOESN'T SEEM RIGHT.HOW COULD HE DO THAT?

- HE TOLD EVERYONE ON THE TEAMTHAT I GOT A BONER

IN THE SHOWERS IN THE LOCKERROOM, WHICH ISN'T TRUE.

- SO WHAT?YOU GOT A BONER IN THE SHOWER.

- NO, I DIDN'T!- I GET BONERS ALL THE TIME.

I ACTUALLY HAVE ONERIGHT NOW.

PEEPING THIS HOG.

THIS MONSTER.

PEEP THIS HOG.

YOU ACTUALLY CAN'T SEE ITRIGHT NOW BECAUSE IT'S SO SMALL.

- ANYWAYS, DUDE,IT'S ALL GOOD.

THIS IS YOUR CHANCETO GO BACK

AND SHOW ALL THOSE PRICKSFROM HIGH SCHOOL

WHAT AN AWESOME DUDEYOU'VE BECOME, MAN.

JOCKS, THEY PEAKIN HIGH SCHOOL, ALL RIGHT?

BUT NERDS,THEY BECOME SKRILLEX.

- HEY, GUYS, I WAS KIDDING,I'VE GOT A HUGE ONE.

- LIKE, I WASN'T IN EITHEROF THOSE GROUPS IN HIGH SCHOOL.

I--- ME EITHER.

I, LIKE, DID MY OWN THING.- RIGHT, EXACTLY.

YOU JUST SIT IN THE CORNER.YOU WATCH THEM.

YOU STUDY THEM.YOU LEARN HOW TO LAUGH ON CUE.

[forced laughter]

- YES!

- WE WOULD HAVE BEENBEST FRIENDS IN HIGH SCHOOL.

- BEST FRIENDS!BELIEVE IT!

[laughter]

- WE WOULD HAVE BEENBEST FRIENDS IN HIGH SCHOOL.

SORRY, BLAKE.- I DON'T CARE.

- YEAH, YOU DO.- NO. NO, NO.

NO, IT'S NOT A PROBLEM.

I MEAN, I HUNG OUTWITH A BEVY OF LADIES AT LUNCH.

- THE LUNCH LADIES, RIGHT?- OH, WELL, YOU KNOW.

WE WOULD JUST KINDOF HANG OUT IN THE CAFETERIA--

- 'CAUSE THEY WERELUNCH LADIES.

- WE WOULD JUST SLINGTACO BOATS--

- NO, WE KNOW THE STORYOF THE LUNCH LADIES.

- NO, BUT THEYHAD THE STORIES, OKAY?

THESE GIRLS HAD JOKES!- THE LUNCH LADIES.

- YES, I WORKEDIN THE CAFETERIA.

THEY WERE LUNCH FRIENDS TO ME.

- DERS, WE ARE GOINGTO THAT DUMB, STUPID,

HORRIBLE-SOUNDINGSWIM THING,

AND YOU ARE GONNA GO UPTO TORPEY,

AND YOU'RE GONNA SAY, "WE'RE NOTIN HIGH SCHOOL ANYMORE,"

AND YOU'RE GONNA PROVE TO HIM

THAT YOU ARE THE FREAKINGTOP DOG OF THEM ALL, BESIDES ME.

- ALL RIGHT, OKAY.LET'S DO IT.

I'M GONNA GO PACK MY SPEEDOS.- ALL RIGHT!

HIYAH!

THIS TORPEY DUDEOR WHAT?

- YOU KNOW IT, MAN.- SICK, MAN.

OH, WAIT UP,BEFORE WE GO IN THERE-

JUST KEEP AN EYEON ME AND ADAM,

'CAUSE WE'RE NOTTHE STRONGEST SWIMMERS.

- I'M VERY DROWN-ABLE.- OKAY.

AND, YOU KNOW, THE DEEP END,

IT JUST WILL SCARETHE CHUM OUT OF ME,

IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.- SEMEN.

- NO, 'RHEA.

- OH, WHEN I GET REALLY SCARED,I SECRETE SEMEN.

- IT'S TRUE.- YOU'LL BE FINE, OKAY?

IF YOU FALL IN,JUST DON'T PANIC,

AND REMEMBER--HERE, I'LL JUST--QUICK LESSON:

"HOV," RIGHT,TO "HANGING WITH MR. COOPER,"

AND THEN UPFOR AN "ASIAN GIRL LAUGHING."

- OH, YEAH,I KNOW ABOUT THAT.

- HOV!- HOV!

- HANGING WITH MR. COOPER.ASIAN GIRL LAUGHING.

HOV.HANGING WITH MR. COOPER.

ASIAN GIRL LAUGHING.

- OH, AY, CHIHUAHUA.SHE-HULK'S GOT A RIDE.

- OH, MY GOD, YOU GUYS,

IT'S MY DREAM GIRLFROM HIGH SCHOOL.

- WHAT?- MAGDA MARZUSKI!

NICE ESCALADE.- OH, THANKS.

ACTUALLY,IT'S MAGDA TORPEY NOW.

- WHAT?

- ANDERS BONER-VIK.

LOOK AT YOU.- OH.

- TROY TORPEY-NIS.

- TOR-PENIS?- YEAH.

- THAT'S FUNNY, DUDE.

- I'M JUST MESSING AROUND.YOU LOOK GOOD.

OBVIOUSLYYOU REMEMBER MAGDA.

SAY HELLO TO THE LITTLE MONSTERSSHE BORE FOR ME,

DECLAN AND CALEB.

YOU BETTER BELIEVE I GOT THEMIN THE POOL TOO.

DECLAN JUST TOOK DOWNTHE LAST CHAS MORTON TEN

AND UNDER N.A.G. RECORDIN ORLANDO.

- NO KIDDING.ORLANDO, FAST POOL.

- WE SHOULD RACEIF YOU'RE UP FOR IT.

ALL RIGHT, CALEB, DECLAN,HOLD YOUR BREATH.

START NOW, EXERCISES.

- TWO, THREE, FOUR.

- OH, MY GOD, YOU GUYS,HE'S STILL THE MAN.

I CAN'T DO THIS.

- DERS, IT'S FINE.

HE'S JUST HANDSOMEAND RICH

AND BANGING MAGDA,THE "LADY ROCK" JOHNSON,

AND YOU HAVE--

BLAKE, WHAT DOES DERS HAVE?

- DERS,YOU HAVE LIPS.

- OH, THERE'S MY GIRL.

EXCUSE ME.MISS CRUZ?

- YEAH?- SORRY FOR BEING SO FORMAL.

IT'S JUST AN HONORTO MEET YOU.

I'M FRIENDS WITH ONEOF THE ALUMNI SWIMMERS HERE,

AND I'VE BEEN ADMIRINGYOUR PHOTO IN THE YEARBOOK

FOR QUITE SOME TIME NOW.

- YOU MEAN, LIKE,PICTURES OF ME AS A KID?

- YEAH, AND MAY I SAYYOU STILL LOOK VERY YOUNG.

IN A GOOD WAY.YOU STILL LOOK VERY YOUNG,

BUT CUTTING TO THE CHASE,LIKE A GINSU,

I WAS JUST WONDERING IF MAYBEYOU WOULD LIKE TO ACCOMPANY ME

TO A SUSHI DINNER.

I LOVE EATING SASHIMI,

BUT I WOULD RATHER EATSASHI-YOU.

- OOH, NOT REALLYINTO SUSHI.

THANKS, THOUGH,AND I'M NOT JAPANESE,

IF THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

- YEAH.NO, IT WAS.

SORRY, I BLEW THAT.

OH, HEY!SO, ADAM, WHAT'S UP?

THIS IS MY GIRL, SHERRY.

THIS IS MY NINJA, ADAM.- YOUR GIRL?

BUT THIS IS--

[R&B music]

- ♪ YOU'RE MESSINGWITH THE SAME GIRL ♪

♪ SAME GIRL - ♪ SAME GIRL

- ♪ HOW COULD THE LOVEOF MY LIFE ♪

♪ AND MY POTENTIAL WIFEBE THE ♪

- ♪ THE SAME GIRL - ♪ SAME GIRL

- ♪ SAME GIRL - ♪ JUST I CAN'T BELIEVE

- BREAK THE GRIP!BREAK THE GRIP!

[shouts]

- OKAY.

- OW!ADAM, YOU'RE HURTING ME!

OKAY?NOT IN FRONT OF MY GIRL.

- YOUR GIRL?MORE LIKE MY GIRL.

I'M THE MACAULAY CULKINOF THIS SITUATION.

- WHAT ARE YOUTALKING ABOUT?

- I'M TALKINGABOUT THE MOVIE MY GIRL!

WITH THE LITTLE GIRL,LOVES MACAULAY CULKIN

SO MUCH SHE GETS STINGEDBY A TON OF BEES AND DIES.

- I THOUGHT HE DIED.- I DON'T KNOW!

I HAVEN'T SEEN THE MOVIEIN A LONG TIME!

- IT'S BESIDES THE POINT, MAN.

I THOUGHT YOU TOLD ME THAT YOURCHICK WAS A BLACK GIRL, DUDE.

- YEAH, AND THAT GIRLIS SUPER BLACK.

SHE'S A SUPER BLACK BEAUTY.

AND YOU SAID YOUR GIRLWAS ASIAN,

AND THAT IS NOWWHAT SHE LOOKS LIKE.

- SHE IS--HEY, SHERRY?- SHERRY?

- WHAT ARE YOU?

- EXCUSE ME?- YOUR ETHNICITY.

- YEAH, YOUR BACKGROUND.LIKE, YOUR GENETIC BUILDUP.

- JESUS, FILIPINO.- HA, THAT'S ASIAN!

- LOOK AT ALL THESESHOTGUN SHELLS, MAN.

HE'S BEEN SLAMMING THEM LIKENO OTHER HUMAN I'VE EVER SEEN.

- EXCEPT FOR ME,

BUT TO YOUR POINT,I'M NOT FULLY HUMAN.

MY UNCLE,HE WAS A ZOOKEEPER.

- [shouting]

- THE DERS!

- [burping]

IT SHOULD BE MY NAMEON THAT BANNER!

- WHOA, HEY.SPIDERS, MAN.

WHY DON'T YOU SWOOP ONDOWN HERE, BUDDY?

VERY SAFELY, THOUGH, PLEASE.

- YEAH, WHY DO YOU WORRY SO MUCHABOUT BANNERS, DUDE?

DRAKE'S NOT RAPPINGABOUT BANNERS.

- YOU'RE REALLY INTO DRAKE, HUH?- HE'S, LIKE, A REAL TALENT.

I JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT HIM,AND HE RAPS ABOUT TROPHIES.

- [burping]

I COULD JUST PUT MY NAMEON IT, RIGHT?

I'LL JUST PULL IT DOWN

AND CROSS OFF TORPEY'S NAMEAND MAKE EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT.

- IF YOU DO THAT,YOU'RE GONNA DESTROY YOURSELF,

AND ACTUALLY, THAT'D BEAWESOME TO WATCH, SO I VOTE YES.

- NO, ANDERS,OKAY, IF YOU CAN HEAR ME,

IF YOU'RE EVEN IN THERE ANYMORE,JUST COME DOWN, DUDE.

WE CAN FIX THIS.

- I AM FIXING THIS.

[shouting]

[all shouting indistinctly]

- I GOT IT!

[laughs]

OH, MY GOD!- YES, THE DERS!

YEAH.

YES!

- THAT COULD HAVE GONEWAY WORSE.

- DON'T LOOK DOWN.

- 'CAUSE YOU HAVEAN ENTIRE TROPHY

STICKING OUTOF YOUR FLUBBER.

- OH, MY GOD!

WHAT DO I DO?- JUST RELAX, DUDE.

MY UNCLE BOBBYACTUALLY IMPALED HIMSELF

WITH A FIRE POKERONE CHRISTMAS.

HE HAD IT IN THEREUNTIL NEW YEAR'S.

- OKAY, SO LEAVE IT IN.

- YEAH, HE'S FINE NOW.- NO, NO, HE'S DEAD.

THEY FOUND HIM DEADNEW YEAR'S DAY,

'CAUSE OF THE FIRE POKER.

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