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Tuesday, July 28, 2015

  • 07/28/2015
  • views: 7,400

Whitney Cummings, Nick Thune and Brendon Walsh get down in the muck of #DirtyPolitics, read the vows of couples at themed weddings and star in their own scuzzy law firm ads. (21:15)

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S "RAPID REFRESH."

ALL RIGHT, WE REPORTED YESTERDAYAMAZON PASSED WALMART AS THE

MOST VALUABLE RETAILER IN THEWORLD.

WELL, TODAY WALMART UNVEILED ASTATE-OF-THE-ART FLEET OF

AIRCRAFT TO ACCOMMODATEOVERNIGHT SHIPPING.

TAKE A LOOK.

TAKE A LOOK.

( APPLAUSE )BRRRR.

THAT IS ACTUALLY AN INSANELYDANGEROUS STUNT THAT BROKE THE

WORLD RECORD FOR LONGESTSEMI-TRUCK JUMP AND THE WORLD

RECORD FOR MOST PEOPLE WITH ARECKLESS DISREGARD FOR PERSONAL

SAFETY.

THEM BOYS FIGURED OUTTHEM PHYSICS REAL GOOD.

THIS IS THE DRIVER, GREGGGODFREY, WHO HAS GOD IN HIS

NAME.

OBVIOUSLY HE DIDN'T REALIZE THAT

HIS OUTFIT IS BASICALLY A GIANTCUBAN FLAG. DOING IT FOR CUBA!

HE JUMPED THAT THING 166 FEET ATTHE EVEL KNIEVEL DAYS

CELEBRATION IN BUTTE, MONTANA--THOUGH WE ASSUMED IT WAS THE

CORONATION OF LARRY THE CABLEGUY AS THE DUKE OF HAZZARD.

SO COMEDIANS, WE'RE GOING TOPLAY THAT VIDEO AGAIN WITH BANJO

MUSIC AND WHEN THE TRUCK FREEZESIN MIDAIR I WANT YOU TO GIVE US

A "DUKES OF HAZZARD"-STYLE

EXPLANATION OF WHAT OL' GREGGGODFREY IS DOING HERE.

NICK, YOU'RE UP FIRST.

>> IN A SOUTHERN ACCENT--( LAUGHTER )

THIS IS WHAT I HAD TO DO TO( BLEEP ).

( APPLAUSE )>> CHRIS: POINTS FOR THE THUNE

BOY.

WHITNEY CUMMINGS.

>> GODDAMN GOOGLE MAPS!

( APPLAUSE )>> CHRIS: BRENDON WALSH.

>> WATCH OLD GREGG DEMONSTRATETHAT GETTING ROAD HEAD DURING A

TRUCK JUMP IS A GOOD WAY TO GETYOUR DICK BIT OFF.

YEE-HAW!

♪ ♪( APPLAUSE )

>> BY THE WAY, THAT GIRLGOT HURT TOO. I MEAN, SHE CHOKED

ON THAT PIECE OF DICK.

>> CHRIS: BUT LOOK AT HOW BIGTHAT TRUCK IS.

HOW MUCH DO YOU THINK SHE CHOKEDON IT, REALLY?

JUST ROLLED DOWN THE WINDOW ANDBLEGH.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'S"HASHTAG WARS."

( APPLAUSE )ELECTION FEVER IS HEATING UP,

AND THE LATEST CANDIDATE TOTHROW HIS HAT IN THE RING IS

DEEZ NUTS.

FOR REAL, THAT'S HIS NAME.

AN IOWA MAN FILED HIS OFFICIALPAPERWORK UNDER THE NAME "DEEZ

NUTS."

THE FIELD IS ALREADY CROWDEDENOUGH WITHOUT HAVING TO JUGGLE

DEEZ NUTS.

IN FAIRNESS, THERE'S AVAS DEFERENS BETWEEN HIM AND THE

OTHER CANDIDATES.

AND HIS RUNNING MATE IS A REALASSHOLE.

DEEZ NUTS DEFINITELY HAS THEBEST CHANCE OF WINNING THE SWING

VOTE.

REMEMBER, IF YOUR ELECTION LASTSLONGER THAN FOUR HOURS, PLEASE

CONTACT YOUR SPIN DOCTOR.

SO IN HONOR OF THIS NEWCANDIDATE WHO WILL

SURELY CHANGE THE POLITICALMANSCAPE, TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS

#DIRTYPOLITICS.EXAMPLES MIGHT BE

JUST THE TIPPER GORE.

POOT FINGRICH.

I'M PUTTING 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND BEGIN.

WHITNEY.

>> SUCK MY CAUCUS.

>> ABRAHAM BLUMPKIN

>> ULYSSES S. GRANT ME THEPERMISSION TO (BLEEP) ON

A GLASS TABLE WHILE YOU'RE UNDERIT.

>> POINTS. BRENDON.

>> THE JOINT QUEEFS OF STAFF

>> POINTS. WHITNEY.

>> NOT IN MY EYE-SENHOWER.

>> KIM JUNG UN BLOW JOB,POR FAVOR.

>> POINTS. VERY CROSS-CULTURAL.

>> SHOWER NOT A GROVERCLEVELAND.

>> ANAL GORE.

>> ONE IN THE LINCOLN, TWO INTHE STINKIN.

>> LYNDON BLOW-JOB-SON.( LAUGHTER )

>> NICK.

>> BILL CLINTON.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY, "WEDDINGHELLS."

AH, MARRIAGE, THE BEAUTIFULINSTITUTION THAT CELEBRATES

ETERNAL LOVE BY BANKRUPTINGCOUPLES WITH $200 PLATES OF

DRY CHICKEN.

MOST WEDDINGS ARE ASWHITEWASHED AS THE BARNS THEY'RE

HELD IN, BUT WITH THE RISE OFPINTEREST AND A BILLION WEDDING

SITES PRESUMABLY RUN BY9-YEAR-OLD GIRLS, MORE AND MORE

COUPLES ARE EXPRESSING THEIRLOVE WITH WEIRD THEMES.

COMEDIANS, I'M GOING TO SHOW YOUA PICTURE OF A COUPLE TYING THE

KNOT, AND FOR 250 BIG ONES, IWANT YOU TO GIVE US A LINE FROM

THEIR CUSTOM VOWS.

FIRST ONE. WHAT ABOUT...?>> WE ARE SO BLESSED TO BE

SURROUNDED BY ALL MY CO-WORKERSFROM RADIO SHACK.

( APPLAUSE )>> LOOKING BACK ON THESE PHOTOS

IN 30 YEARS WON'T BE WEIRD ATALL.

IT WILL BE LIKE GOING THROUGH MYPARENTS' "NIGHT COURT"-THEMED

WEDDING PHOTO ALBUM.

>> CHRIS: THAT'S A GREAT IDEA!

>> WHO MARRIED WHO IN THISSITUATION?

DID SHE MARRY THAT HORSE?

>> CHRIS: THESE TWO GOT MARRIED.

>> NOTHING LIKE A DOG WEDDING.

>> CHRIS: IT WAS A WOLF WEDDING.

THE WOLVES WANTED A "GAME OFTHRONES"-THEMED WEDDING.

>> THAT'S HOW PROGRESSIVE WEARE.

THEY ARE GAY WOLVES.

>> LOVE WINS.

>> NEXT ONE.

NICK.

>> MITTENS, I VOW TO MAKE SURETHAT FOREVER YOU CAN HAZ

CHEESEBURGER.

>> CHRIS: GODDAMN IT, HOW DAREYOU BRING THAT (BLEEP) ONTO MY

SHOW. POINTS.

WHITNEY.

>> I PROMISE TO KEEP ALL MYCHILD PORN OFF THE iCLOUD FOR

ALL OF OUR NINE LIVES TOGETHER.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

>> KITTY PORN!

>> KITTY PORN!

>> CHRIS: HOPEFULLY IT'S THEFIRST TIME YOU'VE HEARD, "I'M

GOING TO GIVE BRENDON POINTS FORKIDDIE PORN."

NEXT ONE.

BRENDON.

>> IF YOU THINK THIS IS WEIRDAND PERVERSE, WAIT UNTIL YOU SEE

WHAT I MAKE DO YOU ON OURWEDDING NIGHT.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

( APPLAUSE ).

>> WEDDING NIGHT.

>> CHRIS: THIS MINION'S GOING INYA.

>> I DON'T WANT TO FOLLOW THAT.

I AM SO GLAD TO BE OUT OFRUSSIA.

( APPLAUSE )>> CHRIS: POINTS.

NICK.

>> BABY, WHAT THE ( BLEEP ) AREWE DOING?

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

NEXT ONE.

>> OH, WHAT IS HAPPENING!

NICK.

>> WHAT THE ( BLEEP ) ARE WEDOING WITH OUR LIVES?

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

( APPLAUSE )BRENDON.

>> YOUR FATHER SEEMED PRETTYEXCITED TO WALK YOU DOWN THE

AISLE.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE ).

>> CHRIS: WONDERFUL!

POINT.

BONER JOKE. DAD'S GOT A BONER.

ALL RIGHT, LAST ONE.

BRENDON.

>> BOY, AM I GLAD MYGRANDMOTHER GOT TO SEE THIS

BEFORE SHE DIED.

( APPLAUSE )>> CHRIS: POINTS.

A BROWN BEAR MARRYING A WHITEBEAR?

NOT IN MY AMERICA.

NICK.

>> SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE ( BLEEP )ARE WE DOING WITH OUR LIVES?

BEFORE THE BREAK, I TOLD YOUABOUT THE WORST LAWYER EVER AND

ASKED YOU TO RECORD A COMMERCIALFROM A ( BLEEP ) LAW FIRM.

LET'S SEE WHAT YOU MADE.

NICK.

>> HEY, I'M A ( BLEEP ) LAWYER.

I DON'T WASTE TIME PUTTINGSHIRTS ON AND I DON'T WASTE

MONEY BUYING CLOTHES.

GO ( BLEEP ) YOURSELF AND I'LLMURDER FOR YOU TO GET YOU OUT OF

MURDER IN COURT.

I'M ALSO A NOTARY PUBLIC.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

( CHEERS )>> CHRIS: BRENDON WALSH.

>> I'M DICK FELCHMAN, ATTORNEYAT LAW.

A LOT OF PEOPLE ASK ME, "HOW DIDYOU GET STARTED IN LAW, DICK?

LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT A WOMAN INA VERY ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP,

DIDN'T KNOW WHERE TOTURN. SHE WAS ASKING EVERYBODY

FOR HELP. THAT WOMAN WAS MYCLIENT'S WIFE.

SHE WAS BLABBING TO EVERYBODY,SO I SHUT HER UP AND I SHUT HER

UP FOR GOOD.

IF YOU MESS WITH DICK FELCHMAN,YOU GET F'D IN THE "A," BUDDY.

( APPLAUSE ).

>> CHRIS: WHITNEY CUMMINGS.

>> HAVE YOU COMMITTED A D.U.I.?

EMBEZZLEMENT?

CHILD SEX CRIMES?

MURDER?

YOU'VE GOT A LOT ON YOUR MIND.

AND THE LAST THING YOU NEED TODEAL WITH IS CRAZY COURTROOM

STUFF.

YOU DON'T DESERVE THAT.

SO I SAY, LET ME HANDLE IT.

HIT ME UP ATLAWYER4UCHEAP@AOL.COM

OR FOLLOW ME ON SNAPCHAT.

I KNOW HOW TO GET YOU OFF.

I JUST WANT TO BE CLEAR ABOUTTHIS.

WE DISCUSSED THIS EARLIER.

PEOPLE SEEM TO THINK THAT I HAVEPUBIC HAIRS COMING OUT.

THAT IS A SHADOW.

THAT IS NOT GIANT AFRO-PUFFS OFPUBES.

>> CHRIS: I WASN'T EVEN LOOKINGAT IT BEFORE.

>> I JUST WANT PEOPLE ON TINDERTO KNOW THAT THAT'S

CLEAN SHAVEN, YES, SIR.

>> DID YOU DONATE THEM TO LOCKSFOR LOVE?

>> WAIT, WHEN DID THISHAPPEN?

DID THIS HAPPEN WHILE WE WERE UPHERE?

>> CHRIS: YEAH.

>> THIS IS NEW.

THIS IS NOT WHAT MY VAGINA LOOKSLIKE.

I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW.

>> CHRIS: SHOW ME ON NICK'SCHEST WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.

>> IT LOOKS-- LIKE-- IT LOOKS--HOLD ON.

>> PRETTY SHALLOW.

>> IT'S LIKE THAT, WITH NO HAIR.

AS WE GO TO OUR NEXT GAME,"TERMS OF ENSEARCHMENT."

WHEN YOU SEARCH FOR SOMETHING ONTHE INTERNET, YOU NEVER KNOW

WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO FIND.

SOMETIMES YOU GET A COOL FACT,LIKE HOW PLUTO IS THE SIZE OF

AUSTRALIA.

SOMETIMES YOU GET A VIDEO OF ACORGI LIP SYNCING THE "SAVED BY

THE BELL" THEME, AND THEN YOU'REIN A BAD MOOD FOR THE REST OF

YOUR LIFE.

COMEDIANS, GET YOUR BUZZERFINGERS READY.

I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU A PICTUREOF SOMETHING WE FOUND ON THE

SKYNET, AND I WANT YOU TO TELLME THE SEARCH TERM WE USED TO

FIND IT.

BUT ONLY THE FIRST PERSON TOBUZZ IN GETS TO ANSWER, AND THE

OTHER TWO CAN GO SUCK IT.

I'M PUTTING 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND BEGIN. THIS FIRST ONE.

>> ANDY. DICK'S HARD DRIVE.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

THIS ONE?

NICK.

>> WHITNEY'S PUSSY BEFORE SHESHAVED.

( APPLAUSE )>> CHRIS: POINTS FOR NICK.

NEXT ONE.

>> ( BLEEP ).

WHITNEY.

>> FARMERSONLY.COM.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

NEXT ONE.

BRENDON.

>> WHAT'S SCOTT WEILAND BEEN UPTO?

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> CHRIS: NEXT ONE.

WHAT ABOUT THIS LLAMA? BRENDON.

>> TOM PETTY TICKETS.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> CHRIS: OH, ( BLEEP ).

POINTS TO BRENDON.

NICK.

>> FETISH STARTER KIT?

>> THAT'S IT.

THAT'S THE END OF "TERMS OFENSEARCHMENT."

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