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Extended - Thursday, July 2, 2015 - Uncensored

  • 07/02/2015
  • views: 7,406

Hannibal Buress, Bridget Everett and Pete Holmes imagine what's #NothingMoreAmericanThan, hype up beatboxers and name male strippers in this uncensored, extended episode. (34:51)

Ripped from today's Internetheadlines, it's Rapid Refresh.

(cheering, whooping, applause)Well, with the next presidential

election on the horizon-- sortof-- we want to take some time

each week to look at how thecandidates are using social

media to appeal to... no one, Iguess, I don't know, in a

segment called Panderdome.

(explosion)Yes!

This week we're highlighting aBuzzFeed vid... We just, uh,

went in the old Colbert files,uh...

(laughter)Weren't there anymore.

(applause)Now we can just take shit.

>> They're there.

>> HARDWICK: No one's gonna use'em!

This week we're highlighting aBuzzFeed video starring

Republican hopeful Ted Cruz, whohas been known to do an

impression or two, like this--mwah!-- spot-on JFK.

>> As JFK said, "Some men seethings as they are...

and ask, why?

I see things that never were...

and ask, why not?">> HARDWICK: No, no, no, do the

JFK.

(laughter)Do the JFK.

What new imitation did Cruz bustout in his Pander-tastic new

BuzzFeed video?

(laughter)Pete Holmes.

>> I'm gonna say C, 'cause I'mreally hoping it's C.

(laughter)>> HARDWICK (like President

Reagan): Well, it's not.

(laughter)>> (like President Reagan):

Well, let it go, let it go...

>> HARDWICK: Uh... uh...

(laughter, applause, whooping)Let's find out, and before we

watch together, set your phasersto "cringe."

>> Dad... I'm a vegetarian.

I don't eat animals.

But, Lisa, animals are sodelicious.

Smithers... release the hounds.

>> HARDWICK: I never thought Iwould long for a time when Ted

Cruz did his JFK impression.

(laughter)>> Uh...

Like any good Republican, hisMr. Burns isn't bad.

(laughter)It's not bad.

It's passable.

I knew what he was trying for.

(applause)>> HARDWICK: I don't... he's...

he's just saying lines from TheSimpsons in barely affected

tones.

>> And then he did Cosby for 45minutes and it was brilliant,

and they were like, "Sir, haveyou read the news?"

(laughter)>> HARDWICK (like Cosby): What

are you talking about?!

Oh, ix-nay on the Cosby thing.

(laughter)(applause)

(whooping)(Hardwick whistling a tune)

>> HARDWICK: We're back.

Comedians...

(laughter)Comedians, in your best bad

impression, tell Ted Cruz whatyou thought of this video.

Hannibal Buress.

>> Uh...

that was very good.

You have a future inimpressions, and your

impressions are very detailedand vivid.

That's my impersonation of acompulsive liar.

(laughter)>> HARDWICK: Okay, points.

Points.

Spot on, spot on.

>> Uh, do I have to buzz in?

May...

>> HARDWICK: Yes, hit thebuzzer.

>> Well, now I refuse.

(laughter)Uh, I'm gonna... this is, uh,

Batman.

I just want to let you know.

>> HARDWICK: This is Batman?

>> This is Batman.

(laughter)>> Commitment.

>> That's commitment.

That's the worst thing I've everseen...

and when I was a child myparents were murdered in front

of me.

(laughter)>> HARDWICK: Points. Points.

(whooping, applause)Oh, you're Pete again!

For a second...

(laughter)I was like, you know, Batman was

just in here, like, a secondago, and then...

>> He's, uh, he's nimbly.

>> HARDWICK: All right, movingon.

Good news, everybody!

Male birth control is coming...

(whooping)...to sterilize your coming!

(laughter)This dude's only contraception

is not a pill, but it is a gelthat must be injected into the

vas deferens.

(audience groans)Which is Latin for "please don't

put a needle in my dick."

Doctors... You know what, it'sfine-- dudes could... dudes

could take a little bit of painonce in a while for sex, okay?

It's not that bad.

Doctors say one injection willlast... be effective for up to

ten years, making it the bestform of contraception since

turtlenecks.

(laughter)(applause)

Oh, yeah.

>> Wow, that looks like my AuntJoanne.

>> That explains this boner.

>> HARDWICK: As if it wasn'thard enough to sell genital

injection glue to an entiregender who thinks changing their

underwear is a hassle, thisthing is called Vasalgel.

Ugh!

Ugh.

(gags)Comedians, please give me a

better name for this product.

Pete.

>> Don't Come Around Here NoMore.

>> HARDWICK: Points.

Bridget Everett.

>> Why don't they just, youknow, try anal or whatever?

>> HARDWICK: Points.

>> Is that bad?

Mom?

Is that bad?

>> HARDWICK: First of all...

>> Right before they put theneedle in they go, "You know

there's anal, right?">> HARDWICK: There's, like, two

other places you can put thisthing.

>> There's such a lot of springback there, you know?

>> HARDWICK: I like that youdidn't do the challenge at all,

you're just like, "Why don'tthey just put it in..."

You can't just...

You're still just working outthe mechanics of it.

Hannibal.

>> That Is A Needle In My PenisAnd I... And I Am Happy To See

You.

>> HARDWICK: Yes, points.

Points.

We're coming up fast on thebiggest animated movie of the

summer, Minions, theDespicable Me spin-off about

the, uh, little yellow nuggetswho speak gibberish French and

gorge on bananas.

It stars Sandra Bullock as thevoice of Scarlett Overkill.

And she rocked these heels atthe film's L.A. premiere.

Now, kids love minions, butwould you believe that the

depraved adults also use them inbizarre fan art?

You would?

Good, um, that was a very easysell for you.

Which of the following is real--A: Minion versions of Avril

Lavigne and Chad Kroeger.

Why...

Someone snorted at that.

'Cause they're the ones thatwrote, ♪ Movin' my butthole to

my bowels. ♪B: A Big Bang Theory-inspired

minion tattoo.

Or C: A minion vape pen.

Hannibal.

>> Before I give my answer,who's Chad Kroeger?

You guys...

>> HARDWICK: Well...

>> No bit?

Thank you, I-I don't know,either.

>> HARDWICK: P-Perhaps, uh,at... when I tell you, you're

gonna be like, "Oh, that CD Ilisten to all the time."

It's Nickelback.

He's from...

>> Oh.

>> Oh.

Just say, "The dude fromNickelback."

>> Yeah, okay.

>> HARDWICK: I'm-I'm, sorry...

>> C: Minion vape pen.

>> HARDWICK: Well...

the correct answer is all ofthem-- they're all real!

There's a...

>> Oh.

Chad Kroeger.

>> HARDWICK: This guy, yeah,yeah, now you got it.

See, here's the next one.

There's that Big Bang Theory,uh...

>> No!

That's permanent.

>> HARDWICK: And it's permanent.

>> That's male birth control.

>> HARDWICK: Yes, 100 points forthat.

And then this, which somehowmakes vaping less cool.

That's so creepy.

>> Uh, I'd still put it in mymouth.

>> It looks... It looks likeyou're squeezing his soul out

and he's like, "Good-bye!"I had a good run.

>> HARDWICK: I need that.

I'm Ted Cruz, and I'm a minionnow.

Bonus question-- the film isactually a prequel where we see

the minions assist famousvillains throughout history, so

please give us a spoiler.

Uh, Pete.

>> They go back and convinceSarah Palin to go into politics.

>> HARDWICK: Okay, points.

>> Political, political.

Political, political.

>> HARDWICK: Where are you...

Where are you going?

Why are you drifting?

Why are you drifting?

>> Political, play to youraudience.

Political.

It's on TV, they're everywhere.

>> HARDWICK: Yeah, I know,but, you just...

>> Political.

>> HARDWICK: No, I get it, yeah.

>> Politics.

>> HARDWICK: All right, it'spolitics, yeah.

>> USA.

>> HARDWICK: Yeah.

(audience whooping)No, stop it!

Don't let him do that to you!

Don't!

Uh, Hannibal.

>> Uh, the, uh, minions convinceTed Cruz that he's good at

impressions.

>> HARDWICK: Yeah, points.

Points.

As we launch into tonight's#HashtagWars.

It is July 4 weekend, so heat upthe grill, stock the cooler with

ice and enjoy this briefhot dog-scented respite from

your meaningless office jobs.

And in honor of our greatnation's independence, tonight's

hashtag is #NothingMoreAmericanThan.

All right?

So examples...

Yeah, oh, all that... Oh, yeah!

Uncle Sam's ready to go!

Examples of this might beputting ketchup on a taco or

yelling for no reason.

Or winning two goddamn worldwars, am I right?

(audience whoops)I'm gonna put...

We didn't do it alone.

I'm gonna put 60 seconds on theclock starting now.

Yes, Pete.

>> Kraft Singles as napkins.

>> HARDWICK: Poi...

Points.

Bridget.

>> Martha Stewart shooting abottle rocket out her pussy on

the hood of my brother's '67Camaro.

>> HARDWICK: Yup.

>> Why is that...

>> HARDWICK: Yeah.

That is very American.

>> What?

>> HARDWICK: Oh, no, I'mpicturing it!

Make it go away.

Hannibal.

>> Gastric bypass surgery.

>> HARDWICK: Points.

Yup.

Peter Holmes.

>> A frozen yogurt flavor thattastes like getting an HJ at the

county fair.

>> HARDWICK: Yes, points.

Bridget.

>> Gay guys getting married inthe gun section of an Alabama

Walmart.

>> HARDWICK: Yeah, points.

Yeah.

Pete Holmes.

>> Eagles fucking and comingfireworks.

>> HARDWICK: Yes, points.

Hannibal.

>> Lack of knowledge about othercountries.

>> HARDWICK: Points.

But now it's time to

play Mouthfarters With Attitude.

Beatboxing is a tough skill tomaster.

(beatboxing)You don't just wake up one

day...

See, I tried to weave it in.

>> It was good though.

>> HARDWICK: No, it was notgood.

>> I liked it a lot. No.

>> HARDWICK: Uh, you don't justwake up one day sounding exactly

like turntables; you have tospend thousands of hours blowing

butt sounds out of your mouthand into your spitty hand-- as

was just demonstrated by me--which takes patience, which

YouTubers don't have.

So I'm gonna show you a video ofan amateur beatboxer.

For 250 points, I would like youto introduce them as their hype

man, all right?

First one, this beat-droppingwizard.

(wheezy, sputtering beatboxing)I'm just concerned that you

can't see his hands.

They may not be...

It's beating something but notboxes.

(bell dings)Pete Holmes.

>> Emcee Getting a Bad Blowjob.

>> HARDWICK: Yeah, points.

Uh, Hannibal.

>> Hey, ladies and gentlemen,are you ready to see what

happens when a man with a nutallergy gets peanut butter on

his inhaler?

>> HARDWICK: Points.

Yep.

>> This guy.

>> HARDWICK: There he is.

Then, uh, jumping to theopposite side of the spectrum,

we have this monotone music man.

(monotonous beatboxing)(descending notes)

>> (hoarsely): Do somethingelse.

(blowing, sputtering)(bell dings)

>> HARDWICK: Pete.

>> Live from the third circle ofhell...

(laughs)it's Mr. Emcee Should Follow His

Own Advice and Do SomethingElse.

>> HARDWICK: Okay, points.

Hannibal.

>> Are you ready to feel sad andquestion what you did tonight?

Well...

that's gonna happen, and you'rewelcome.

>> HARDWICK: Points.

Now, this next one comes to usfrom the Beatbox Battle World

Championship, somehow.

(chirping sounds)(quacking)

(bell dings)Hannibal.

>> Welcome to a new game show.

It's called Seizure or SoundEffects?

>> HARDWICK: Yeah, points.

"Oh, uh, seizure! Seizure!

I think it's seizure!">> Maybe that's, like,

alternative beatboxing.

We don't do it like everybodyelse.

>> HARDWICK: Maybe it's theWorld Series of beatboxing for

ducks.

It's just, like...

it's just all these ducks whoare like...

(quacking)>> I mean, she identifies as a

duck, so...

I want to do that.

>> HARDWICK: Bridget.

>> Put your hands together forQueef Latifah!

>> HARDWICK: Yeah, points.

Next one, what about this dukeof dubstep?

(beatboxing dubstep rhythms)(bell dings)

Hannibal.

>> This man just... completed a12-dubstep program.

>> HARDWICK: Points.

Pete.

>> Ladies and gentlemen, it'sthe guy that gave the bad

blowjob to the first guy.

>> HARDWICK: Okay, points.

Perfect. What a way to...

>> Callback!

Political.

>> HARDWICK: That's notpolitical in any way.

Pete, that was not remotely...

>> Think about it.

>> HARDWICK: No, you just...

>> People have the right!

>> HARDWICK: To what, hear youmake jokes?

>> People have the right inAmerica!

>> HARDWICK: For what?

>> Politics!

Democrat! Republican!

I can touch this!

I can touch this!

This one, this one, and th...

>> HARDWICK: Uh-oh.

(cheering and applause)>> I'm political, too!

And I have the right to have mydomain here!

>> HARDWICK: All right, nextone, how 'bout this

gesticulating fellow?

(beatboxing)(rapid beatboxing)

(bell dings)Ted Cruz, the teenage years.

Pete-Pete Holmes.

>> Ladies and gentlemen, if youthought white guys beatboxing

was terrible, wait till you seewhite guys beatboxing with the

Macarena, air drumming, and, forno reason, a sad chef.

>> HARDWICK: Yeah, points.

Mm-hmm.

>> Impossibly worse.

>> HARDWICK: Hannibal.

>> Give it up for one of myfavorite acts on the circuit,

Spit Van Winkle and HostageChef.

>> HARDWICK: Yeah, points.

Points to Hannibal.

Yeah, that guy's poor hands arecuffed underneath the table.

"I just want to see my family."

Last one, how 'bout thisshrieking soloist?

>> (high-pitched): ♪ Oh, my, oh,my, oh, my, oh, my fucking God

Oh, my, oh, my, oh, my, oh, my♪ fucking God

Oh, my, oh, my, oh, my, oh, myfucking God ♪

(bell dings)>> HARDWICK: Hannibal.

>> Ladies and gentlemen, youmight have heard this man's

music on a loop at GuantanamoBay, uh...

...give it up for DjKewl,everybody!

>> HARDWICK: Yeah. Points.

>> Political.

>> HARDWICK: Points to Hannibal.

Before the break I told youabout BJ's Restaurant's new

contest where parents can win$10,000 in BJ's, uh, food for

naming their baby Quinoa.

I asked you to come up with theparents' explanation to little

Quinoa.

Let's hear what you got.

Hannibal, let's start with you.

>> Your mom and I have done wayworse things for $10,000 in

jalapeño poppers.

>> HARDWICK: All right.

(cheering and applause)>> Yeah!

(laughter)>> HARDWICK: Bridget.

>> The bottom line is, you'rejust not that important to us.

>> HARDWICK: All right.

Pete Holmes.

>> Okay, before I do my answer,can we just pause to consider

all the hippies that named theirchild Quinoa for free?

>> HARDWICK: Yeah.

Let's have a moment for them,Pete.

>> It happened, like, a monthbefore the promotion.

They're like, "Aw, man!">> HARDWICK: "No, man, you don't

want to give in to the corporatebureaucracy, man.

That $10,000 gift card's like ashackle around your hands.

BJ's is not our master.

We're free-range, Quinoa."

Uh...

>> Wow.

>> HARDWICK: Let's...

Thank you.

Thank you.

>> And I thought the Del CloseMarathon was over.

>> HARDWICK: Stop it.

>> That was some good "yes,and," my friend.

Off the dome, Chris Hardwick.

>> HARDWICK: All right, go.

Go!

Goddamn it, stop trying to breakmy show!

(Holmes laughs)>> Uh, your dad made a lot of

bad decisions, like giving you aname after a high-protein grain.

And not pulling out.

>> HARDWICK: All right.

As we jump to our next game--Male Man.

Male Man.

(cheering and applause)Magic Mike XXL hits theater this

week with a meaty thwap, whichis great... it's great news for

fans and hunks and their relatedbuns.

A quick perusal of the film'sIMDb page reveals the

aforementioned hunks have sometruly amazing stripper names

like Tarzan, Slick Willy, andBig Dick Richie.

(laughter)Or Chris Hardwick.

As great as... as great as theseare, I think we can do better,

so I want you to come up with asmany male stripper names as you

can in 60 seconds.

And begin.

Pete Holmes.

>> Hannibal.

>> HARDWICK: Points.

Pete again.

>> Hannibal Buress.

>> HARDWICK (laughing): Points.

Points.

Bridget.

>> Huge Grant.

>> HARDWICK: Yes, points.

Pete.

>> Channing Taint-Yum.

>> HARDWICK (laughing): Points.

Points.

You said that so academically.

Bridget.

>> Dad?

>> HARDWICK: Points.

Hannibal.

>> Martin Luther KingDing-a-ling.

>> HARDWICK: Yes, points.

Hannibal.

>> Magic Mike Huckabee.

>> HARDWICK: Points.

Pete.

Lou Bmeup.

(audience groans)>> HARDWICK: Yeah, Lou Bmeup.

Lube me... okay, got you.

>> Don't groan, that's great.

>> HARDWICK: Yeah.

Hannibal.

Five-Dollar Footlong.

>> HARDWICK: Points.

Points.

Points.

They did, they did need it.

That's what the people needed.

And you need points for that.

>> I do it for you.

And we do it, really...

Thank you.

I do it for you.

>> HARDWICK: Well...

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