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Joe Wengert

Joe Wengert describes his terrible public interactions, the trouble with catchy songs and a new game that he invented to make life easier. (20:40)

I'm very comfortable...

...uh, in earth tones.

What do you guys needto know about me?

Well, I'm a work in progress.

And one thing I'm tryingto work on right now is

I'm trying to havenormal interactions

with people that I know

when I see them in public

and I did not expectto see them.

That's a trouble area for me.

So, I was telling my friend,Jake, earlier today.

I knew I was gonnasee Jake today.

I don't knowif I'll see Jake tomorrow!

But hopefully if I do,I'll just be like,

"Hey, man, what's up?"

'Cause that's appropriate.

It would be inappropriateif I see him and I go,

"I'm just gonna go getsome mac and cheese real quick

before therapy."

No. He doesn't needto know all that.

"I'm just gonna getsome mac and cheese

"from this place calledKoo Koo Roo real quick

before therapy."

I don't need to put the burdenof that information

onto him.

But the sad factof the matter is,

ladies and gentlemen,this is something

that I have recently said

to a real human being.

And to make matters worse,it was not my friend Jake.

It was a girl.

She was in a yoga outfit

'cause she knowshow to take care of herself.

She's like, "Hey, Joe.How's it going?"

I was like, "Ah, I'm just gonnago get some mac and cheese

"real quick... before therapy!

Because I'm a (bleep) monster."

(applause)

in my set, I'm a single person.

I'm feeling ready to jumpback into the dating scene.

But I havea couple of questions

that I needto have answered first.

And I was hopingone of the women here tonight

might be able to help me.

Ma'am, would you help me

with one of the questionsthat I have?

It... Don't be afraid.I'm a jelly bean.

You'll be fine, okay?

This is not even comedy now.

I just need a friend.I just need an honest answer.

You got it? Okay.

So, here's the thing.

How long should a guy wait

before he shows a girl

all of his Princess Diana stuff?

A while.

A while?

All right, I've beendoing it wrong, then.

I need to cool my jets.

'Cause I usually lead

with my Princess Dianacollection.

'Cause it's good.

I like to do that joke early,

where you guys are still like,

"That might be real."So...

I live alonewith a cat.

(cheering)

That's never gottenan applause break, right there.

(laughs)

This guy lives alonewith a cat!

(laughs)

I live alone with a cat.

His name's Kevin Hines.He's a great guy.

We get along very wellwith each other.

If I go away for a day or two,

I have a pet sitterwho comes to my house

and hangs out withmy friend Kevin Hines.

But if I go away for,like, a week

or more,

I bring him to a luxury

cat hotel,

because I like to justwaste my money.

I like to throw my money away.

Um... the placeI take him to is called

"The Best Little Cat Housein Pasadena."

And that's real.

And it's for people who are

too intense about their cats.

Now, when you book your cat

into the Best Little Cat Housein Pasadena,

you have the optionof booking them

into a private room,

or you can do what I do,

and put 'em in the group room.

Which is just one giant room

where there's, like,40 cats running around.

It's insane.

And the reason whyI put him in there is...

(sighs)

...in the group room,they have a webcam.

And I have separation issues.

And you can move the webcamaround from their Web site.

So when I go on vacation,

I do not have a good time.

I get out my laptop,

I go on that Web site,

I move the webcam around

until I find Kevin Hines,

so that I can watch himdo absolutely nothing.

Have you ever gotten a songstuck in your head before?

"Sure, Joe.We've all been there."

Those are called "ear worms"

when that happens.

And, uh,

there's a remedy for ear worms.

It sounds a littlecounterintuitive,

but what you're supposedto do is

you're supposedto listen to that song

that you got stuck in your head,

a bunch of timesin a row on purpose,

and that'll kick the songout of your head.

And that works.

Unless the song

that you have stuck in your head

is a song

that you made up...

(laughter)

...while you were doing laundry.

And now, welcome to my world.

This is where I've been living

for the past fiveor six months now.

Every private moment

of my life,

especially at nighttime,

when I lay me down to sleep,

I hear myself

sing the following song.

♪ Some

♪ People liketo see me do my thing ♪

♪ Some people liketo see me move around. ♪

Every night!

Every night.

And that's just how my life

is gonna go from here on out.

Unless if I can getthe money together

to go into a recording studio

to record myself going,

♪ Some people like to see me

♪ Do my thing,some people like ♪

♪ To see me move around.

Not true!

It's also not true!

Alright, you guys are in fora real treat right now

because I'm gonna teach youhow to play a game

that I have invented.

Um, it's called You're Wrapped.

And this is the way it works.

You guys are familiarwith the concept

of background actors, right?

You know, when you're watchinga movie or a TV show,

all the peoplein the background?

Well, there'sone person in charge

of background actors on set,

and that person's calledthe second A.D.

And they tellall the background actors

where to go and what to do.

And then when they're donewith a background actor,

they will dismiss them forthe day by walking up to them

and going,"You're wrapped for the day."

Okay?

When you play the gameYou're Wrapped,

you pretendthat your entire life

is a movie or a TV show,

and nowyou are the second A.D.

And all those people

on the periphery of your life,

all those people that you see

and you notice them,

but if it's within your power,

you are not goingto interact with them,

I want you to startjust silently

dismissing those peoplefrom your life.

You will have a balldoing this.

(audience cheering)

And what I want to do

right now is

I want to sharewith you guys a list

of some of the people

that I have recently wrapped

from the productionof my own life.

These are real people

that I have really seen, okay?

So, construction crew,you guys are wrapped!

Uh...

big group of middle schoolersrunning cross-country,

you guys are wrapped.

Dog walker with too many dogs,

and you're getting overwhelmed

by the dogs, you're wrapped.

Old man with leathery skin

sitting at the outside partof a coffee shop,

and you're making a posterfor something

using colored pencils,

you're wrapped.

Black Hulk Hogan,

you're wrapped.

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