I'm very comfortable...
...uh, in earth tones.
What do you guys needto know about me?
Well, I'm a work in progress.
And one thing I'm tryingto work on right now is
I'm trying to havenormal interactions
with people that I know
when I see them in public
and I did not expectto see them.
That's a trouble area for me.
So, I was telling my friend,Jake, earlier today.
I knew I was gonnasee Jake today.
I don't knowif I'll see Jake tomorrow!
But hopefully if I do,I'll just be like,
"Hey, man, what's up?"
'Cause that's appropriate.
It would be inappropriateif I see him and I go,
"I'm just gonna go getsome mac and cheese real quick
No. He doesn't needto know all that.
"I'm just gonna getsome mac and cheese
"from this place calledKoo Koo Roo real quick
I don't need to put the burdenof that information
But the sad factof the matter is,
ladies and gentlemen,this is something
that I have recently said
to a real human being.
And to make matters worse,it was not my friend Jake.
It was a girl.
She was in a yoga outfit
'cause she knowshow to take care of herself.
She's like, "Hey, Joe.How's it going?"
I was like, "Ah, I'm just gonnago get some mac and cheese
"real quick... before therapy!
Because I'm a (bleep) monster."
in my set, I'm a single person.
I'm feeling ready to jumpback into the dating scene.
But I havea couple of questions
that I needto have answered first.
And I was hopingone of the women here tonight
might be able to help me.
Ma'am, would you help me
with one of the questionsthat I have?
It... Don't be afraid.I'm a jelly bean.
You'll be fine, okay?
This is not even comedy now.
I just need a friend.I just need an honest answer.
You got it? Okay.
So, here's the thing.
How long should a guy wait
before he shows a girl
all of his Princess Diana stuff?
All right, I've beendoing it wrong, then.
I need to cool my jets.
'Cause I usually lead
with my Princess Dianacollection.
'Cause it's good.
I like to do that joke early,
where you guys are still like,
"That might be real."So...
I live alonewith a cat.
That's never gottenan applause break, right there.
This guy lives alonewith a cat!
I live alone with a cat.
His name's Kevin Hines.He's a great guy.
We get along very wellwith each other.
If I go away for a day or two,
I have a pet sitterwho comes to my house
and hangs out withmy friend Kevin Hines.
But if I go away for,like, a week
I bring him to a luxury
because I like to justwaste my money.
I like to throw my money away.
Um... the placeI take him to is called
"The Best Little Cat Housein Pasadena."
And that's real.
And it's for people who are
too intense about their cats.
Now, when you book your cat
into the Best Little Cat Housein Pasadena,
you have the optionof booking them
into a private room,
or you can do what I do,
and put 'em in the group room.
Which is just one giant room
where there's, like,40 cats running around.
And the reason whyI put him in there is...
...in the group room,they have a webcam.
And I have separation issues.
And you can move the webcamaround from their Web site.
So when I go on vacation,
I do not have a good time.
I get out my laptop,
I go on that Web site,
I move the webcam around
until I find Kevin Hines,
so that I can watch himdo absolutely nothing.
Have you ever gotten a songstuck in your head before?
"Sure, Joe.We've all been there."
Those are called "ear worms"
when that happens.
there's a remedy for ear worms.
It sounds a littlecounterintuitive,
but what you're supposedto do is
you're supposedto listen to that song
that you got stuck in your head,
a bunch of timesin a row on purpose,
and that'll kick the songout of your head.
And that works.
Unless the song
that you have stuck in your head
is a song
that you made up...
...while you were doing laundry.
And now, welcome to my world.
This is where I've been living
for the past fiveor six months now.
Every private moment
of my life,
especially at nighttime,
when I lay me down to sleep,
I hear myself
sing the following song.
♪ People liketo see me do my thing ♪
♪ Some people liketo see me move around. ♪
And that's just how my life
is gonna go from here on out.
Unless if I can getthe money together
to go into a recording studio
to record myself going,
♪ Some people like to see me
♪ Do my thing,some people like ♪
♪ To see me move around.
It's also not true!
Alright, you guys are in fora real treat right now
because I'm gonna teach youhow to play a game
that I have invented.
Um, it's called You're Wrapped.
And this is the way it works.
You guys are familiarwith the concept
of background actors, right?
You know, when you're watchinga movie or a TV show,
all the peoplein the background?
Well, there'sone person in charge
of background actors on set,
and that person's calledthe second A.D.
And they tellall the background actors
where to go and what to do.
And then when they're donewith a background actor,
they will dismiss them forthe day by walking up to them
and going,"You're wrapped for the day."
When you play the gameYou're Wrapped,
you pretendthat your entire life
is a movie or a TV show,
and nowyou are the second A.D.
And all those people
on the periphery of your life,
all those people that you see
and you notice them,
but if it's within your power,
you are not goingto interact with them,
I want you to startjust silently
dismissing those peoplefrom your life.
You will have a balldoing this.
And what I want to do
right now is
I want to sharewith you guys a list
of some of the people
that I have recently wrapped
from the productionof my own life.
These are real people
that I have really seen, okay?
So, construction crew,you guys are wrapped!
big group of middle schoolersrunning cross-country,
you guys are wrapped.
Dog walker with too many dogs,
and you're getting overwhelmed
by the dogs, you're wrapped.
Old man with leathery skin
sitting at the outside partof a coffee shop,
and you're making a posterfor something
using colored pencils,
Black Hulk Hogan,