The Meltdown with Jonah and Kumail
Season 1

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The One with the Childhood Crushes

  • Season 1, Ep 1
  • 07/23/2014
  • Views: 0

Steve Agee, David Koechner, Neal Brennan and Moshe Kasher join hosts Jonah Ray and Kumail Nanjiani for a night of stand-up in the back of a comic book store. (20:43)

♪♪

♪ Gonna have some kind Of dreams ♪

♪ Gonna be a slow poke

♪ I know Living so far away ♪

♪ I'm leaving the sky today

♪ Ay ay ay ay

♪ Day ay ay ay wah

Ladies and gentlemen, yourhosts, Jonah Ray and KumailNanjiani!

Yay!

This is for you guys.

Grabbing your boobs.Grabbing your boobs.

Is that the wrong direction?

There's only One Direction.

How many One Directionfans are here?

And just be honest,this is a safe place.

Oh, you're an idiot.

I'm joking.Yeah, yeah.

Are you a One Direction fan?

You are. No, it's okay.

So, how old are you?

20.20.

That's slightly too old.Yeah, yeah.

What's your name?Frankie.

Frankie...that's a great name.

Um, it's too weird,it's like--20, 20, Kumail, 20.

D'uh-- I'm--

KUMAIL (O.S.):Um, what's their big song?

Oh, You Don't KnowYou're Beautiful?

That's Why You're Beautiful.

Do you know you're beautiful?

You don't know?

20. 20.

Yeah, bro, could you justgive me like 30 seconds?

Do you know you're beautiful?

That's what makes you beautiful?You're like-- you've like boughtinto this.

JONAH (O.S.):Yeah.

Well, you're beautiful, Frankie.20!

Are you--

Did any--

Th-- who likes the Shins?

I just want her to knowshe's beautiful.Oh, god.

Tell her in your van, Kumail.

Have you ever had vodka?

Eeew!

It's really good.It makes you feel beautiful.

This is-- this showhas two speeds.

Racism and statutory.

And baby, this ain't racism.

Steven Agee, you're so great!.

KUMAIL (O.S.):Are you guys readyfor more show?

JONAH (O.S.):Ladies and gentlemen,Steve Agee!

Wow, that was awesome.This is a very exciting night.

It's actually been a great day.

I found out earlier, I can infact, fuck my way out of a paperbag.

Take that, Linda, my estrangedwife. It wasn't that difficult.

It's even easier if it's wet.

I, uh, when I was in college,me and my best friend Sam,were sitting there...

high, and I mean likecollege high.

We were sitting aroundin my apartment,and we were desperately...

45 minutes, trying to rememberthe name of the actress...

who played the receptionistin Ghostbusters.

45 minutes, it's two of usjust sitting there going...

Agh! Don't talk, it's on thetip of my tongue, dude!

After 45 minutes, out of nowheremy friend just gives upand goes...

"Screw it, I'm gonna make soup."

That was weird, because no oneever cooked in my apartment.

So he gets up and he goes intothe kitchen, and I hear himdigging around...

and all of a sudden,out of nowhere, he goes...

"Hey, man, do youhave any pots?"

I go, "Yeah, dude, nice one,nice save, you got it."

And he's like-- he doesn'trealize it, he's like, "What?"

I go, "Annie Potts, the actress,her name was Annie Potts."

He realized what happened,and he comes out of the kitchentrembling.

Like convulsing.

He's like, "Dude, what justhappened?"

And then, I realize it,and I start shaking.

I'm like, "Dude, I don't know.That's crazy, right?"

Try telling me there'sno God after hearing that.

I picture him up in heavenwatching us, going, "You idiots!It's Annie Potts!

"People are starving and theyneed my help, but I'm investedin this now.

"Uh, okay, think, oh, okay, um--

"All right, I'll makethe little one crave soup...

"and then I'll hidethe fat guy's pots.

"And then I'm gonna inventthe internet...

"because I don't have timefor this incidental bullshit."

is first crushes.

Do you want to know mine?

Yeah, what's yours, baby?All right.

First off, I want to statethat I am married, to a woman.

But my first huge crushwas Robin Hood.

The cartoon!

The cartoon Robin Hood fox,that was like my first crush...

where I was watching the Disneyversion of Robin Hood.

He's a fox.He's a fox.

In more ways than one.

He, like, it's like I saw itand I was just like...

"Oh, he's so charmingand he is so--"

And then, like, I startedbecoming a big fanof George Clooney...

and I never knew whyI was so into him right away.

And then whenFantastic Mr. Fox came out...

I saw him in fox formand I was like, "Oh!"

Because he's thinking,if Robin Hood the foxwas a human...

Yes!That's George Clooney'sentire life.

That's his life, he's justa charming, kind of whatever...

wants to do, gives thingsto the poor, it's great.

My first crush wa-- okay,did you guys ever see, uh...

Sleeping Beauty?That cartoon?

Oh, wait, that's like,kinda rape-y.

Okay, but that's not my crush.

My crush was the bad lady from,you remember, Maleficent?

Yeah, oh my god, so hot.

The one that turnsinto a dragon?

Yeah! What's hotter than that?

You just like have sex with herand then you get a dragon ride!

She's got two horns, I knowwhere one of them is going,right?

I don't know whereone of them is going.

And then, I found out thatthere's gonna be a movie...

coming out called Maleficent,starring Angelina Jolie!

So, it's like I went backthrough time and space...

and met a 12-year-old me and wejust high-fived our boners.

We just rubbedour boners together.

And it's not pedophilia,at worst, it's statutorymasturbation.

I feel like I could seducea younger version of me.

Let me guess, you likeDonatello? Here's a Twix.

Twix, that makes a lot of sense.Two little brown sticksnext to each other.

And your husband's out theretalking about his first crush.

So I don't want to createacrimony here...

I'm very comfortable.Because they workvery closely together.

I'm very comfortable.But he's talking about stuff.

He cheats on me constantly.

Wow, but onlywith cartoon characters.

I have a wife and five kidsand sometimes I get sentto the store.

If I get sent to the store,it's for one item and usuallya convenience store.

In this case,it was a carton of milk.

Outside the convenience store,I noticed a man standingover to the left.

He has one leg... but he alsohas a t-shirt on that says,"Leg story, $10."

What do I know? I have twopieces of information.

There's a man with one leg,and a story to tell.

Who am I to judge?

This guy could inspire me...with his story.

Hand him a ten dollar bill, say,"All right, sir, I'd liketo hear your story.

"What is it, are you a vet?"

He said, "No, sir,here's my story.

"The wife and I went to asecond-hand thrift store.

"We came upon a recliner.

"I said 'We're buying it.'

"My wife said it smells likemold. I said, 'Shut yours,woman.'

"We loaded itinto the pick-up truck.

"As we got home, I put therecliner in front of thetelevision and I sat down.

"And then I exclaimed, 'Argh!'

"A spring had sprung loosefrom the back of the recliner...

"and impaled the back of my leg.

"I didn't let on to the wife.

"A little later that evening,she exclaimed it was timefor dinner.

"I said, 'I'll be eatingin the new recliner.'

"I realized I could notextricate myself from saidspring at that point.

"Even later that night,she said she's going to bed.

"I said, 'I'll be sleepingin the new recliner,'...

"which was a mistake,because as I slept...

"that spring dug deeperslinky-like into the backof my leg.

"In the morning, my wife awokeand announced she'd be stayingat her sister's...

for a couple days. 'Good foryou,' I said, 'bad for me.'

"As I realized soon thereafter,that spring must have hadsome rust on it.

"Because I got tetanus,which causes lockjaw.

"She returned two days later,and as you can imagineat this point...

"I could not speak and I haddefecated all over myself.

"She called the emergencymedical technicians.

"They removed me from therecliner, took me to thehospital and removed my leg.

"End of story."

Well, okay, less inspiringthan I'd hoped.

More of a cautionary tale...about hubris and arrogance.

But thank you for your story.I have some milk to procure.

He said, "Would you like to hearhow I lost my left nut foranother ten dollars?"

I said, "No, I think I'm good."

He said, "I'll show youfor five."

Let me tell you something,folks.

That's the best five dollarsI ever spent.

Yeah.

What were your first crushes?First crush.

Let's--just raise your hand.

Yes, sir.

Ooh! Wait!Christina Ricci in theAddams Family.

Addams Family Values was whenshe tears shit up at the camp.

And then you want to--like, yeah, that stirred upa lot of stuff for me.

And then, like, the boy shelikes is like this nebbishyglasses kid... yeah.

Let's do a couple more.A couple more.

Joey McIntyrefrom New Kids on the Block.

You know what, it's hard whenwomen had crushes on people whowere so different from me.

That's what's hard, like--Oh, Jesus--

There was nobody here that had acrush on anyone who was--

Aladdin?

I was wrong. That doesn'tfeel good, either.

Well, tonight I'm doingsomething where I'mactually gonna do--

I'm setting three-- somethingI've always wanted to do.

Three mics... one is gonnabe for regular bits.

One mic is gonna be for bitsthat don't have very much--just like orphans.

Just like one-liners.

In the middle is gonnabe for true emotional things.

We're gonna start with orphans.

Must be nice to be old, becauseyou can wear like a Band-Aidon your face for no reason.

And also you can make noisesand people just accept it.

Where you can just be like--

( CLEARS THROAT )

Um, I've had two girls break upwith me in the last year...

and I like, fuck, I cried reallyhard.

And usually I cry, 'causewhen I break up with girls,because I feel guilty.

But this time I cried,because I felt like, loss.

Look, these computers are toopowerful, am I right?

Just these phones and computersare great, but they'retoo powerful.

We're turn-- we're all likeRoman Emperors now...

just on our computers all day...

on Facebook and YouTube.

Don't like, that I like.

Incoming call... ignore.

We gotta figure this out,because we have people givingthese, that are not qualified.

Because I was on YouTube,Beethoven's 5th Symphony.

Dih-dih-dih-deh.Dih-dih--

Like the most famous songof all-time.

10,000 dislikes on YouTube.

I'm not kidding, that manypeople were like...

"Your music stinks, bro, andI know music, I'm from Tampa.Thumbs down."

That ASPCA commercial,with Sarah McLachlan?

And they had to-- they had to--they finally stopped doing it.

Because they were-- they weresaving a lot of dogs...

but a lot of human beingswere taking their own lives.

Oh, um, so I have depressionand I take anti-depressants.

And people-- like people go--

It's like it's stigmatized,people were like, "You're weak."

And it's like, I'm not weak,I just, like, I don't wake upand go, "I'm weak."

I just go like,"Oh, this is fair."

I got no hobbies.

I actually, I watchdocumentaries, that's myonly hobby.

I watched this really goodLance Armstrong documentary.

It's called The Armstrong Lie,anybody see it?

All right, it's fantastic,one guy.

Um, fantastic.

Going to the movie,I thought-- we all thoughtabout Lance Armstrong...

which was he's a pieceof garbage.

But now that I've seen themovie, it's a little morecomplicated than that...

because, all right, he won theTour de France seven times...

on drugs every time,but here's the thing.

He also raised $100 millionfor cancer research.

Say what you want about the guy,but he figured out a wayto do drugs for charity.

That's something.

And it must have been hard toresist, too, because if someonecame to me and was like...

"Neal, you can cure pediatricAIDS, but you're gonna haveto do a ton of cocaine."

I'd be like, "Let's helpsome kids, huh?"

Over right there.

Adam Scott, that's a new--that's your first crush?

That's kind of new.

You waited a long time.Yeah.

Late bloomer, that's nota good--That's-- I don't--

Uh...

Uh, I think someonejust said my name.

Wait, do you just show up whenyour name's called.

Well, when it involvesa crush, I do.

Uh...That's her.

Who? I'm sorry,who is it, you?

Yeah.Hi.

Uh, I'm Adam.What's your name?

Danielle.

Danielle, hi.

I feel like we shouldleave the room.Yeah.

No, no, no, no, no, I don't wantto make this weird for anybody.

I just wanted to say hello,and say thank you...

and, uh--

Do you want to like,come up here and--

KUMAIL (O.S.):What's gonna happen?JONAH (O.S.): I-- I don't--

KUMAIL (O.S.): Oh, no.ADAM (O.S.): Hi.

DANIELLE (O.S.):Hi.

I'm Adam, sorry, I already saidthat. I already said that.You already introduced yourself.

Like, where are you from?

I live here in LA.

LA, did you--Oh, that's convenient.

Sorry, Kumail, do you-- do youhave something you need to say?

Can I...I'm sorry, bro.

speak with Danielle?No, no, I don't want to--

Mow another guy's lawn,I don't know.Thank you.

It's not his lawn yet.

I-- I-- I hopeI'm not jumping the gun...

or any other, this is weird,or whatever, but, um, like...

Will you marry me?

Uh, you're married.Yeah, you're married.

You have a kid.

I am no longer married.

I more mean like--Where do yousecretly want to go?

When I see a person that'susing-- like a Maria Bamford.

Well, that's so out of--in the ether, it's hard to--

When I go, "Oh, man,I wish I could do that."

It's like, well, I'm sureeverybody wishes they coulddo everything...

that they're lookingand aren't doing.Yeah, and yeah.

Yeah, I wish I could beRory Scovel and likedo a bong rip and kill...

harder than anyone in the world,and do a different setevery night.

Well, I don't knowif Rory Scovel kills harderthan anyone in the world.

I do pretty well.

That's amazing,I'm the best looking comic.

I think I'm the best lookingcomic, not of all, buttonight or whatever.

How do you think I look?Do you think I look--

What do you think?What do you think?

You like the look?I feel like I look good.

MAN (O.S.):Clown.

What?

MAN (O.S.):You look like a clown.

All right.

No, I think you're pretty good,but I just-- you look likea French clown.

Doesn't he look likea French clown? Look,take off your glasses.

Take off those glasses.

Dude, I don't want to do--I'm trying to do a TV set.

Look, you should be doing mimeor something, not comedy.

Take off the glasses.Your glasses.

French clown, you looklike a French clown.

Doesn't he look--French clown.

Do some mime for us.Do some mime.

Please, do some mime.I'm not-- I don't--

Imagine there's a bananain front of you.You're holding a banana.

All right, hol--

Hold up a banana in frontof you, in front of yourface, a banana.

Actually I don't-- I don't--I don't know how to do--

I don't thinkI want to do this.Hold the banana in front of you.

No, I really, like,don't want to do--

There's a bananain front of you.I don't want to-- no.

Okay, imagine there'sa penis in front of you.

Okay, yeah. Okay.

All right, like, okay, what areyou gonna do with this bananapenis situation?

All right, okay, you'restroking the banana penis.

All right, I get it.He's stroking the banana.

All right, you're peeling thebanana foreskin off the banana.

Okay, what are you gonna do--okay, you've got a bana--

And he eats it, he ate it,everybody. He ate the banana.

He ate the banana.

That's perfect, that's thatFrench clown magic right there.

Do another one.

Okay, he steps up to the plate,he's-- okay, no--

He's gettin' the signalfrom the-- the something.

Oh, he's pitching the ball.He's pitching it.

All right, it's coming.

All right, he hits the ball,it's a home run.

It's coming back, he catchesthe ball, he eats it.

He ate it.He ate the ball.

He ate the baseball.

This is the best. All right,another one. Here we go.

Now you want to do it.All right, good.

All right, he's going fishing.He's fishing.

He's sitting there,he's waiting for that big one.

Oh, he's caught something.You got that great white!

You gotta pull it in.You got-- okay, pull it in.

Pull it in, all right,those are reins.

They're reins to a horse.He's pulling.

All right,the horse is sinking.

Artax, Artax, you're sinking.

You have to fight the sadness!Artax, please!

These hands--

They look like big,strong hands, don't they?

Wait a second.Better save some for later.

We've got a long way to go...

but it was the only waywe can get in touchwith an earthling child.

But what if he doesn'tknow what he has to do?

What do I have to do?He has to give me a new name.

He's already chosen it.He just has to call it out.

It's not real,it's only a story.

It's not real.Bastian, say my name!

I can't! I can't! I haveto keep my feet on the ground!

Bastian, please! Save us!

Okay, I will!I will do what I dream!

( YELLING GIBBERISH )

Moon Child.

And this...is all that remains.

A Fantasia... and he eats it!

He ate it, everybody!He ate it!

Thank you, everybody.

That was everything I hopedit would be... and more.That was amazing!

Thank you so muchfor coming, guys!

Thank you so muchfor coming to the Meltdown!Get home safe!

Thanks for hanging out!

KUMAIL (O.S.):Thanks for watching!

Yeah.If the crowd,like doesn't get it, then...

We did it in New York,they start screaming at him.

Sit the fuck down!Really?

This isn't that kind of place!We don't heckle here!

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