not every rescue dog
you can bragabout rescuing some...
I have a friend who just gota three-month-old puppy.
The most beautiful thingI've ever seen.
Looks like it was sculptedby Michelangelo.
I would throw my doginto the river to get this dog.
And he's like,"I rescued a dog."
You didn't rescue.You-you won a dog.
You rescued him.
You rescued himfrom the Westminster Dog Show,
where he was aboutto be murdered by gold medals.
I rescued a dog! He's four!
He has a collapsing trachea,
and he spends most of the day
trying to lick the insideof my mouth off.
I don't let him.He's a good dog.
We got him from a shelterthat we chose
because it wasthe only shelter we found
that didn't want to come doa home check,
which is very popularand very insulting to me,
as a guy trying to doa good thing for an old dog.
They want to come overto your house and look around
and make sure your house,where you live,
uh, is good enoughfor what is currently
a homeless dog.
(cheering and applause)
It's never... I'm never hangingout with a friend of mine
and then his girlfriend shows upand it's better.
Never. It's never once happened.
You know, you're justhaving fun with your friend,
and his girlfriend shows up,you'll be like, "Oh! Great!
Cool! You got invited."
You turn to your friend.I was like,
"I was wonderingwhat it would be like
"if suddenly all of youropinions changed just like this.
Yeah, fun new dynamic."
You ever hang out with a couple,
and it's justthe two of them and you,
and then they start fightingin front of you
like you're not there,
but you are there?
And you're in a car?
It sucks.There's nothing you can do.
Except open the doorand roll out.