I'm 35, I justgot my own place.
Took a while.
Some people my ageare astronauts.
I don't know if I gotmy own place because it's like,
I'm thir--like, that's what--like, it was the pressures
of, like,societal pressures.
Like,That's what you do.
You're 35.You're a grown man.
You live by yourself,and you're an independent man.
You live by yourself,and you start drinking scotch
instead of crappy beer,and you switch back to briefs.
That's what you do,'cause you're a grown man,
and that'swhat grown men do.
Or if I got my own place'cause I realize
I'm about to getthe type of weird
that I can't even have peoplewitness on accident anymore.
Things are aboutto get strange,
and I'm gonna needsome solitude for that.
And I thinkit's much more that.
It's not so much like,"I'm gonna pay my bills on time
and read more books."
It's much more like,"Twizzlers look like
"they fit in buttholes,
"and I cannot have somebodywalking into the laboratory
when Dr. Kyle's conductinghis experiments."
It's this corkscrew shape.
Lick 'emand stick 'em, fellas.
Find out about your bodies.
It's 2012. It's not gay.It's about loving yourself.
"Loneliness"is a subjective term.
You know, it's--it's different for everybody.
I mean, you're a castawayon an island.
There's nobody around.That's lonely, you know?
But it could also meanyou lack the simple courage
to be able to say"hello" to somebody
sitting next to youon a bus.
That's lonely too,you know?
For me,I can define loneliness.
I can just hone it inas the very moment
that I realizedthat I had forgotten
I was masturbating
at a motelin Green Bay, Wisconsin.
That's it.That's the point.
That what I remember.
Just--it's not even sexual anymore.
It's just, like,an aggressive shooing away
of a nuisanceat this point.
So like I--"Come on, get out of here."
It's like I'm taking a broomto get raccoons off the porch.
Like, "Come on.Just--yah!
I understand nowwhy a dog can hump something
but stilllook right at you.
Like, I understand that.
You see a dog,it's like, "What?
"This feels goodand you're my buddy.
You're the one making it weird.What? What?"
- Everything you believe injust unravels.
Everything you hold true.
To some people, it soundslike a simple mistake.
Not me.I took it personally.
I was like,that's somebody down at Dominos
making a judgment callon my life.
That's somebody seeing my namecome up on one too many tickets
and finally just being like,
we know that you're probablygonna eat this by yourself."
"More than likely,all in one sitting too, so..."
"You know what to do, man.Just fold it in half and...
Just 'cause they were right,
I didn't appreciatethe assumption.
"You don't know me,Dominos!"
"This giant tacotastes like Italy!"
I think a lot of comedy comesfrom sharing experiences
things that we can relate to.
Keeping that in mind,
anybody else in hereget so drunk last month,
you had to call a cabjust to take you to Wendy's?
A real successful Saturday nighthome alone.
"I want those spicy nuggets!
"You're too drunk to drive.
"Well, call a cab,'cause you deserve 'em."
That's what I did.
I called a cab,and another grown man
drove to my house...for money,
because that was his job.
And he got to my house,and I jumped in his cab,
and I said this.
Don't do what I didwhen you get a cab.
I just jumped in,and I just said,
"We're goingon an adventure!"
That's just $80on the meter right away.
"You smell like you'reprobably gonna barf in here,
"so we're starting at 80.
Doesn't matterwhere you're going."
And so we drove to the Wendy's,
and I made him take methrough the drive-thru
because I did not trust himnot to leave me there.
But this is whereI got in trouble, see,
is 'cause he was drivinga van cab,
which means I had to openthe whole side door
to place my order.
I was like,"Well, there's no way in hell
I'm not gonna fallon my ass doing this."
So I had one handwrapped up in the seatbelt.
I was just kind ofhanging out the side
like a helicoptermachine gunner.
I was just kind ofhanging out.
I realized like,"Oh, this is how they do
"the high-speedransom exchanges
"in the action moviesI love so much.
I'm gonna Bruce Willisthe [bleep] out of this."
So I wasn't even at the window,I was just hanging out.
I was like,"You throw me the nuggets,
I'll throw you the cash!"
So I got the stuff,
I'm yellingat the getaway driver--
At this point,it's the "getaway driver."
It's like,"I got the package, step on it!
But he's not in it.
He's like, "I cannot goif the door is open.
"I cannot driveif the door is open.
"It is ille--it's an illegal thing
for me to dowith the door open."
But somebody clearlyhad not taken improv classes
in collegelike some other of us have.
"You are not 'Yes And'-ing.
"Yeah, you happy? Yeah.
"This other Frosty was gonna be for you,
and you blew it."
There's too many--everybody's got
their own thing going on.It's a waste of time
to not be open-mindedat a lot of these things.
I'm trying to be tolerant,but it's difficult.
The tolerance,it's tested, routinely.
I was on a flightgoing from Denver to Chicago,
and halfway through my flight--midair, 35,000 feet--
the guy sitting next to me
starts eating pancakesout of a bag.
Not, like, a Ziploc bagwith, like, a little seal
and, like, a,"Hey, I meant to do this" vibe.
Like a bag from the store.
Not a storethat sold pancakes.
See, I'm saying likea Foot Locker bag.
You get me?
They're just loose.
They're just loose in there.
They're like bingo balls--just loose.
And there's nothing wrongwith what he was doing,
But you gotta realize thatif you do some wackadoo [bleep],
like eat pancakes out ofa shoe store bag on an airplane,
you're forcing strangersaround you
into a world of questionsthey never anticipated
they would ever have to ask.
"How did you getto this point in your life?
Where are you going?"
How do you wind up--If you're on an airplane,
you're on therewith purpose.
You are fighting gravityto travel through the sky
to land on another partof the Earth's crust.
Nobody's, like,waking up casually
like Amelia Earhart, like,
"I think I'll taketo the skies today."
You have purpose.
You have reason to fight natureto go somewhere else.
How do you have that purposein your life,
but still do itwith hastily packed hobo snacks
in your midst?
[cheers and applause]
That's not howyou catch a plane.
You're not like,
"Is this onegoing southbound?
Usually,getting to an airport,
that's your number-one priorityin the day.
"I don't care what happens,I'm gonna get to that airport.
"You can cut--I'll lose a hand.
"I'll fix itwhen I get there.
Just get me to the airport."
This guy, it was numberfour or five on his list.
This guy was like, "I know I gota flight, but it is Tuesday,
"and you knowwhat happens on Tuesday.
"Silver-dollar flappies,that's what happens.
His stuff went through...pancakes got x-rayed that day.
A TSA agent,
somebody with a badgeand responsibility.
And if they were fulfilling
even a fiberof their requirements
of keeping the skies safe,somebody had to at least
just, like,mumble something like,
"Um, sir, I'm s--um..."
"Is this a bag of pancakes?"
"Well, I've never dealt with itbefore either.
"I'm gonna say go ahead.
"I don't know.I don't know.
"We might get an earfulfor this,
but right now, bon voyage, that's what I'm gonna say."
And when you eat pancakesout of a bag
in a semi-public place,
there are rules.
First off, let people knowwhat you're getting into.
Make a little announcement.
"Hey, everybody, I gota bag of pancakes over here.
Don't get freaked out."
Offer 'em around.
Don't--you don't have to gofront and back, just same row.
Don't worry,nobody's taking any.
It's just a gesture.
"See, they are,in fact, pancakes.
"Would you care for some?
No? I understand."
Then, when you go to eat them--with your hands,
'cause my man did not havefork and knife on his person--
you eat themone at a time.
Driver's ed style,10:00 and 2:00.
You take a little nibbleout of 12:00,
and you hold it in your lap
until you're readyfor another bite.
You follow those rules,go crazy.
Hell, I like your style.
Way to usurpinflated airport pricing.
"No, I got my own."
This [bleep] guy...
he starts off--
he's just rustling aroundunder there.
He's just rustling.
You can't rustleon an airplane in this day--
He's rustling,he's kicking up odors.
Now we got people--[sniffs]
"Is that breakfast?I smell breakfast."
You're not supposedto smell food
on a domestic flight.
All it takes is oneparanoid weirdo to be like,
"I think hydraulic fluidsmells like breakfast!
We're going down!"
Now we're all in a panic,
'cause you don't know whathydraulic fluid smells like.
rips it open
with a confidence like, "Yeah,I'm eating all these bitches."
Rips it open,
starts rooting aroundin there,
doing this cotton-candy thing.
Rooting around,but he's not looking in the bag.
He's looking up and offinto the distance
with this look of glazeddetermination on his face.
The kind of look you only seeon the faces of people
that are neck-deepin swamp water
'cause they're gonna catcha catfish with their bare hands.
You know, just like--
"We gonna get 'em!"
Pulls his hand out,
he's got two or threejust in a grip, in a fist.
He's not going discreet,under the chin.
He's not going like,"Hey, I'm sorry for this,"
under the chin.
He's going over the top,
just, like,'93 Jordan layup style,
Dropping 'em in,
then looking aroundwith an attitude
after each bite,like,
Boom! Jealous much?"
Are you [bleep] me?
I'm a Delta Gold member.I gotta sit next to this?
No syrup?You go straight to hell!
'Cause I don't knowwhere you'd get syrup
in a situation like this.
Probably another bag, seeingas how this dude operates.
But even then, unwritten rulesof decent society state
you open upthat bag of syrup,
you pour it intoyour original bag of pancakes,
and you tie it offnice and tight
and shake it aroundfor even coverage.
'Cause you might be makinga bit of mess,
but at least peopleare like, "Well,
he's not gonna eat them dry,like a psychopath."
I'm lucky I'm a comedian,
'cause otherwise my lifewould just be a series
of undocumented low points.
Like, I had a very--I hada very particular low point.
It was a few months back,
and I was at a 7-Elevenbuying dinner.
And that's notwhere you get a staple.
Nevertheless, I was there.
I think even sadder yet
is I knew exactlywhat I wanted too,
'cause I made a beeline
right forthat little hot dog aquarium
that's on the counterin there.
Which is its own metaphorfor sadness,
'cause all those meats,they're all rolling towards you,
but they're notgaining any ground.
And amongst allthe tumbling, sweaty meats,
there was one loneCheeseburger Bite left in there.
Which, if you don't knowwhat a Cheeseburger Bite is,
I'ma tell you.
It's a cheeseburger, sure,
but it's shapedlike a hot dog.
Because 7-Eleven's wholead campaign right now, I think,
is just "[bleep] it."
"You're gonna eat it.
"You're gonna eat it.
"Oh, you're not gonna eat it?
Told you you'd eat it."
But I'm in there,and I'm just pointing it out.
I'm excited about it.
And the midnight clerkat 7-Eleven comes over,
a man who should not have hopeleft for society.
Even this guytried to give me an out.
Even he tried to, like, stopwhat he was about to see.
See, like, the same--like,when a blackjack dealer
sees somebodythat's just wasted,
they're hitting on 20,
and even theycan't take it anymore.
They're just like--just like--
[laughter and applause]
[laughter and applause]
He gave me one of those.He came over,
but he put the question on me,let it be my choice.
He just came over and he's like,"What are you doing?
"Look at what you're doing.
What are you doing?"
He didn't even use tongs,
just grabbed itwith his hands.
Bun, here you go.
I didn't eat it as muchas I made it disappear
like a David Blaine illusion.
Not out of any kind of,like, repent or anything.
I'm not sc--I'm just bored.
It's just a more fun placeif you're agnostic.
Like, just leave the "maybe"there, you know?
It just more fun.Like, why do trees grow so tall?
Maybe it's God.
Is that a guy following uswith a knife?
Maybe it's a chupacabra.
You know?It just--
The world'sa more whimsical place
if you get into that.
I believe in Bigfoot.I think Bigfoot's real,
but I think his whole thingis that he--
he [bleeps] youwhile you're camping.
You're just camping, your tentopens up and you're like,
"Oh, man, it's Bigfoot."And he's just like,
"Nobody's gonnabelieve you, bro."
[whispers]"Take off your pants."
That's why Bigfootwalks like that.
All laid-back.Just got done [bleep].
"[bleep], there goes Bigfoot!
"Looks like he justgot his dick wet, yeah!
That's the dumbest jokeI've ever written.
There's a stereotypethat black people
like to talkin movie theaters.
There's a stereotypethat white people are uptight.
Kind of proved that onewhen I said that thing
about black people, and nobodyknew if they could laugh or not.
If you're black and you're here,please do this.
Sit next to the most uptightwhite person
you can findin the movie theater.
Not tough to do.
Like, single guys at the movies.Oh, the worst.
See those guys who are like,
"No, you sit two down,you sit three down.
No. Gay buffer.Gay buffer."
"Oh, yeah. "Good thingyou did that,
"'cause I was totallywaiting for Transformers 3
"to, uh, [bleep] you.
"Now I can't...'cause of the seats.
"Now I can't blow youduring Transformers 3
because ofyour elaborate scheme."
Sit right next to that dude,
and watch him already, like,
"Well, there's plenty--
I put those seats herefor a reason."
And then say somethingduring the movie,
but say something that's gonnablow the white dude's mind.
That's how you twist it.You like, you wait until,
like, the action gets rightat the--at the pinnacle,
then you justblurt something out like,
"This reminds meof Woody Allen's earlier work!"
And he's just like--
"That's exactly whatI was thinking," you know?
Really let him have it.
"This lighting is reminiscentof Kurosawa's."
"Can we go to the moviesall the time?"
I think between that
and a qualityspicy mayonnaise...
we're not gonna solve racism,
but we're gonna shave someof the sharp edges off of it.
[cheers and applause]
I was in Louisville, Kentucky.I hadn't been there before.
Just walking around,trying to get some lunch.
Looking for lunchin all the wrong places.
Walking around, I saw--
it was, uh,it was two black guys,
and one of themwas holding a white baby.
I was like,"They stole that baby."
[laughter and groans]
I didn't want--it's not like I put it together.
It was like--bink!"That's what you thought.
You son of a bitch!"
And the irony was,I was on my phone
trying to find outif a particular sandwich chain
had donatedto anti-gay charities,
'cause I'm like,"I cannot support that.
"That is hatred,and I will not eat there.
"I'll make my own sandwich.
"I'll go buy bread and meatif I have to,
"but I will not supportthat kind of hatred--
"Those guys stole that baby.
But I will not go eatat this place."
Oh, I'm disgustedwith myself.
I went to Seoul, South Korea,last year.
I'd never been to Asia.
I was just taking inthis amazing, amazing city.
And I'm just walking around--
bright, sunny day,walking around the market,
and just out in the sunshine,
and I'm the only onewearing sunglasses.
I'm like, "How come I'm the onlyone wearing sunglasses?"
I'm like,"Oh, they don't need them
"'cause their eyesare already--
"Oh, don't even finish it.
"Don't even finish it.
Oh, why is thatwhat's in here?"
But that's what--like,you see people like,
"Stereotypes existfor a reason."
"Yeah, 'cause you're a dickhead.That's why they exist."
That's great."Asians are bad drivers."
Go to Asia.Asians are amazing drivers.
They're just punk rockabout it.
They just don't give a [bleep]about the rules
when they come over here.
I saw a traffic circlewith 9,000 people
in Seoul, South Korea.
No lines, no lights,just whirring.
I saw a guy on a scooter
with 19 chickens on the backcut off a bus.
He didn't lose the ashoff his cigarette.
That guy comes over here,
you're like,"You're not using your signal."
He's like, "Screw you.
"I've driven overbombed-out bridges,
I can handle a merge."
I shouldn't evenbe alive.
I'll eat, like,a big bowl of pho
and follow it upwith sugar-free Red Bull
'cause I don't careabout myself.
For those of you--
if you don't knowwhat pho is,
it's a Vietnamese soupthat answers the question,
"What happenswhen a former child soldier
pours hot rainwaterover fish nightmares?"
It's delicious,and I can't stop eating it.
That's what happens.That's what happens.
And for those of youthat know what it is,
you thinkI'm saying it wrong.
It's spelled P-H-Oand people are like,
"It's pronounced 'fuh,'"and they get all upset.
"It's pronounced 'fuh.'"
I don't care.
I'm already eating it.What more do you want from me?
I'm guaranteeingthere's nobody
in Saigon right now going,
"It's pronounced'meatball sandwich,'
don't be culturallyinsensitive."
So I'm going to continue tosupport the Vietnamese community
by eating pho all the time
instead of just correctingpeople's pronunciation of it.
[cheers and applause]
You think about thatwhen you crash
your fixed-gear bicycleon the way home.
[cheers and applause]
I rally against hipsters.I shouldn't.
If--If you're a hip--that's fine.
Be a hipster.It's okay. You're 22.
You're supposed to bean ass[bleep].
Just don't getso embedded in it
that you become, like,hipster Serpico.
That you don't know--
Then all of a sudden,you're 26,
you got, like,a Golden Girls neck tattoo,
and you're on a unicycle.
And somebody's like,"What do you really like?"
You're like,"I don't even know anymore!"
You know, don't--Don't become so entrenched
that you forgot thatyou're a human being in 2012.
[cheers and applause]
Your gravestone doesn't haveto be factual.
You know that, right?
Your grave--that's yours.
Make sureyou take advantage of that.
Don't letsome uncreative relative
just put some schm--"Loving father."
You--that guycould have been a dick.
You don't even know.
I do want--that's--
If I get that,I wanna have just the little--
the tastefullittle rectangular,
flush with the groundheadstones.
Nothing fancy.Tasteful font.
It'll just say,
"Kyle Christian Kinane.
"Born December 23rd, 1976.
Died in your arms tonight."
[laughter and applause]
Quotes, "Must have beensomething you said."
Because listen, that's nota great joke, all right?
But it's the best oneyou're gonna read in a cemetery.
And where more do you needa laugh in this world?
Kyle Kinane's got you,even after death.
Kyle Kinane, A.D.'shere for you.
You're walking in there,it's a sad day,
maybe you just see that,
like, right there,peripheral vision,
walking in and you just--[laughs]
"Look at this.
"You see this?
"It's '80s lyrics.
"It's that song--
"♪ Died in your arms tonight
"Come here and look--She's not going anywhere.
"Come here and look at this.
"Oh, my God.That's funny.
"That is all right.I like that.
"No flowers,that's a sh--
"I'm sorry, I'm st--
"You don't get these today.
"You earned those today,buddy.
That is a funny joke."
been to jail before,
but when you go there,it's--
you get to sit on a littlebunk bed without your shoelaces,
and you get to contemplateyour life.
You get to ask--say thingsto yourself like, "Hey, Kyle,
"remember when you thoughteating that Cheeseburger Bite
"was a real low point?
"It's time to recalibrateyour definition of [bleep] up.
They took your beltso you don't hurt yourself."
And I'm not trying to make lightof drinking and driving.
I made a mistake,I screwed up,
but understandthat there are grades
to that crime.
There are degreesto drinking and driving.
I got my DUI in Los Angeles.
I'm from Chicago,where to get a DUI in Chicago--
[cheering]We got some people.
You, clearly,will understand this.
You would have to drive througha playground at recess
and still faila field sobriety test.
I pulled overon the highway once
'cause even I knew I wastoo drunk to drive in Chicago.
Pulled over, shirt open.Gonna take a nap.
Keys in the ignition,'cause I like to listen to tunes
while I slumber.
Woke up with police flashlightsshining in my face,
and them just saying,"Let me see your hands!"
And my first thingI just blurt out is like,
"How'd you guysget in my room?"
They let me drive home.
I got my DUI in Los Angeles,where to get a DUI there,
you just have to look like thisand be singing classic rock
a little too enthusiasticallyat 1:30 in the morning
while going five miles an hourover the speed limit.
- I want thisto be an art form.
I want comedy to be takenas an art form.
I feel I putjust as much heart
and blood, sweat,and tears into this
as any musician
or any sculptor.
And I want itto be appreciated as such.
[cheers and applause]
But then I was in a van withmy friends not too long ago,
and I unsolicitedly justannounced--
I said, "Hey, guys, these fartsare like contractions
for the turd babyI'm gonna have later."
And that's whyI'm not an artist.
I can't believe I made itanywhere creatively, though,
because I was raised
by two lovingand supportive parents,
and nothing squashes creativitymore than unconditional love
and supportfrom a functional household.
If you have kids, [bleep] ontheir dreams a little bit.
Not all the way, but enough.
Give 'em some friction.
You need to give 'emsomething to fight against.
I was supposed to be a musician,but I didn't get that friction.
I wanted to be a musician.
16 years old, just,
"I'm starting a punk rock band!Screw you guys!"
My mom's like, "Oh, youcan practice in the basement.
I'll make chili dipfor your friends."
I think there'ssome credit due to anybody
that made itout of the suburbs
because that'sa creeping oppression
that you don't realize.
It's not a glaring,clear oppression.
I mean, you grow upin the inner city
and that's bulletswhizzing over your head.
You're like, "I'm just gonnajoin a gang and deal drugs,
"and I'm gonna get shot rightin front of my mama's house.
And that's how lifeis in the streets."
But there's the one guy like,"No, I'm gonna be a playwright,
"and I'm gonna take this storyto Broadway.
And I'm gonna make it.I'm gonna get out of here."
But you grow up in the suburbs,and it's just like,
"Well, we can drive aroundsmoking pot,
"talking aboutthat philosophy class
"that we tookat community college.
"And, you know, if you keepordering stuff at Denny's,
"they can't kick you out.
"So, as long as we--as longas we get, like, coffee--
"If we get, like,coffees or French fries,
"we can just hang out thereuntil, like--
Holy [bleep], I'm 35!"You know, you don't--
You don't realizethat it's right there.
I had one flight --
I was going cross-country,L.A. to New York,
And I bought a ticketon Orbitz
and I got a direct flighton Orbitz,
and that's not supposedto happen.
No. Orbitz--it's a good website,
but we'd be like,"Hey, Orbitz,
I wanna go from hereto that stool,"
and Orbitz would be like,"No problem, man.
You just gotta go to Denverfive times first."
And I like saving $37,so I'm like, "All right.
"Go, Broncos, or whatever.
"Let's see what--let's seewhat's going on in Denver.
I don't know,'cause I'm gonna save $37."
So I get it and--I get it and I'm excited,
but I'm suspiciousat the same time
'cause that's not howit's supposed to work.
And I can't justhave nice things
'cause I was raised Catholic,
so everything hassome kind of guilt price tag
attached to it.
Like, "Oh,something's working out.
Something bad has to happen.What's it gonna be?"
Like, you just can't have that,you're Catholic.
"Two sunny days in a row?"
"Yeah, but your friend'sgonna die."
"Why? Why can't thingsjust be nice?
Why can't I just like somethingbecause it's nice?"
So I get to the airport.I get to board first.
It's like, "All right.Well, how about this?"
I get, you know,I get an aisle seat--
"Are you kidding me?
I get to stretch the ponies outthe whole time?
Maybe thingsare just looking up."
The plane's boarding.I'm sitting there.
Everybody else is coming on.
Along come the peoplethat'll be sitting
next to me in my row.
They're two chubby Spaniards--a couple.
Spaniards. They were white,but speaking Spanish.
They weren't, like,conquistadors.
They weren't looking for gold,wearing armor.
They were just whiteand speaking Spanish.
You don't knowhow to comprehend that,
"Spaniard" is a fun word to say,the hell with it.
We're calling them Spaniards.
And they take their seats.
All right.And away we go.
Plane taxiing, takes off.
In the ascentof the airplane,
the Spaniards,wasting no time,
that armrest goes up and theystart trying to [bleep].
Just right there.
Seats A and B.
Seat C, Kyle Kinane.
A and B, [bleep].
One-third, Kyle Kinane,not invited to the party.
And I'm upset about that.
And in their defense,they weren't, like--
there wasn't just naked buttsin the air.
They had pulled a big coatup over them,
but you know what's happeningunder there.
They're not playing cardsunder there, all right?
It's not likeI'm just gonna hear "Uno!"
You know,that's not how it works.
I guess I would probablyhear "One."
I don't know how it workswith the translation.
because I got flatteredfor a second,
because that'spremeditated behavior.
That's--you knowthat you're gonna do that.
You don't just, like,start on a plane,
like, taking off, like,
"You feel like having a screw?
"Yeah?All right. Good.
Good, good.Here we go."
You know,you're at least at the gate
making the eyes,like, "You know.
"You know.You know.
We go up, and thenwe get down."
So that means they walked on
the planewith that knowledge already,
meaning they had to go by me
and put a judgment on me.
They had to walk byand silently be like,
"I bet he's cool with it."
So that got me.That flattered me.
I'm like, "I'm a cool guy.I am a cool guy.
I don't want you to thinkI'm not a cool guy."
But I just realizedthat I'm not on this Earth
to be a goalie.
I'm not hereto stop somebody
from accomplishingtheir goals.
If you're not hurting anybody,
I'm here to either assistor get out of the way.
That's really all it is.
That's reallyhow it should be.
[cheers and applause]
They're not hurting anybody.They're doing the opposite.
Very aggressively,but they're doing the opposite.
So I've realized, like,listen--like, listen,
I'm gonna put my own theoriesto the test.
I'm gonna let them dowhat they need to do.
I'm gonna be a cool guyabout this.
But because I'm gonna let themdo what they have to do,
I'm gonna dowhat I have to do,
which, in this situation,is get wildly drunk
and watch the [bleep]out of this.
Not like an old-time spy,you know,
like, newspaperand fedora.
No. Tray table down,elbow posted up,
like I'm watchinga chess match.
So I was like, "Ooh,you're gonna move the rook?
What--ooh, Bobby Fischer'sback in town!"
I decide I'm going to procuremy own beverages.
This process startswith a blanket statement
I make to the entire cabinof, "I'm gonna go to the bar."
if you wanna knowhow you can tell
if you've been over-servedon an airplane,
start with a blanket statementto everyone.
And in that statement,
include a part of the aircraftthat doesn't exist.
"The bar." I may as wellhave been like,
"I'm gonna take a dipin the hot tub."
and I askfor two more drinks.
And she--she obliges initially.
And she goes in there,and she's tinkering around.
But for some reason, she cameback out with the drink,
but she had this change of heartfrom that moment to here,
because she came like--like just then she realized
I pulled an A-ha videodown the whole aisle,
just slamming into stuff.
'Cause she bringsthe drinks out,
but she's notpresenting them to me.
She's got them lockedback here.
And she looks at mewith this look of concern,
and she leans in and,like, does that whisper,
like she doesn't wantto embarrass me
by what she's about to say.
And she just says,"Are you driving?"
And I know she meanteventually...
but when the world gives youa little gift like that,
you don't let itgo to waste.
So I put my handsaround her hands on the drinks,
and then I leaned ineven closer and I was like,
"I hope not."
"I think we might beon an airplane."
And it was a little oneof these, like,
who's joking around with who?Huh, huh, eh, eh?
And I get back to my seatwith my little trophies there,
and the Spaniards,they're just--
they're sitting there.
Like, I don't knowif they got busted
or if they finished or what,
but they think they were,like, smooth about it.
They had no ideathat the "trois"
in the menage a troiswe were having's coming back.
Third spoke's rolling by.
So they just see thiscoming up
with two drinks sloshing aroundgoing, "What?
You don't dismountwhen the coach isn't around."
And then sitting--slam the drinks down
like, "Goddamn Orbitz!"
And they don't knowwhat I mean by that.
They think I'm just cursingthe movement
you guys probablyknow it up here--
called The Bridge.
Yeah, nobody ever cheersif they saw it.
For those of youthat don't know,
it's a documentaryabout all people
that jump offthe Golden Gate Bridge
trying to kill themselves.
And it was just--I thoughtit was a fascinating film
'cause they set up cameras
and they caught these people.
Well, they didn't catch 'em,but on film.
And they--[laughter and groans]
Yeah, yeah.I did that in San Francisco.
Like, I understand the why.
I understand if you wantto take an early exit.
Like, if you get to that pointin your life where you're like,
"I'm just gonna go to workfor the next 40 years.
I don't like this today.40 years of this?"
And right when you kind ofget your mind around like,
"Maybe it'll be okay,"
a coworker pops by like,"Don't forget,
there's karaokeevery Tuesday!"
You're like,"I'm taking off.
So I understand--I just never understood the how.
'Cause they show these people.
It's always the same kind ofperson, just kind of
disheveled, dirty sweatpants,shuffling up the edge.
A little bitof hemming and hawing,
and then just--pfft--over the side.
Just, like, not even one of themwore a cape or anything.
It's the last thingyou're gonna do.
Go out with a question markinstead of a period.
Let your loved ones--
It's a selfish thingyou're doing.
Give your loved onesjust, like, a moment of like,
"Huh, wha--hmm, really?"
I don't know, you know?
Go nice suit,umbrella at the last minute.
Mary Poppins theme.Confuse people.
Have one last trickup your sleeve,
If I get to that pointwhere I'm gonna get out of here,
I'm not gonna losemy commitment
to the art of performanceor personal flair.
I will do it.I'm gonna jump off a building.
But I'm gonna do it
wearing a snorkel maskand flippers.
And then right nextto where I'm gonna land,
I wanna havea little glass of water set up.
Because that way,people can wonder,
"Did he wanna kill himself,or is this
just the worst daredevilwe've ever seen?"
It wouldn't evenbe a suicide,
there'd just be a Post-iton the ledge like,
"I think I can make it."
People are like,"Make what?
"What was he gonna make?
"Logistically,this is impo--
Maybe he didn't calculatefor wind, I don't know."
Just allow that much.